Friday, November 30, 2018

Awkward pauses

With Momma's birthday, The Boy's birthday, and Thanksgiving all within the last week of November, it tends to be especially eventful around our house. Below are snippets of conversation from the last week. 

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


*** THANKSGIVING ***

{Bear's snoring lightly}

EM: WHERE'S ALL THE FOOD?!? It was here a minute ago! We've been robbed!
BC: Huh? FOOD?!? WHERE?!?!
EM: The kitchen table! 
BC: Why didn't you say that before?
EM: But there's no food here! THANKSGIVING DINNER IS GONE!
BC: So there isn't food on the kitchen table?
EM: NO!  I mean yes, there isn't food on the kitchen table. 
{Pause}
EM: No, wait. YES! No! There's no food on the kitchen table.
BC: Which is it?
EM: Aren't you listening? There's no food up here!
BC: Then why did you wake me up from my nap?
EM: They ATE it all!
BC: They?! The aliens are back? Maybe a herd of wild wolves? Zombies? {gasp} OTHER CATS moseying through OUR territory? QUICK! Check our litter box for foreigners!
EM: NO! Momma and Daddy!!! 
BC: Momma and The Boy are in our litter box? Or are Momma and The Boy moseying through our territory? I think they'll claim this is their territory.
EM: They ate all the good smelling food that was on the kitchen table!
BC: Well, technically, not ALL. I mean, Momma did give us a healthy helping of turkey before she even sat down to eat. Have I ever mentioned that she has proper priorities?
EM: Wasn't it you that pooped in the litter box JUST as they sat down last year to Thanksgiving dinner?
BC: Hahahahaha. Classic.
EM: And Daddy scooped it right away.
BC: To be honest, I'd worked on that stinky poop for days. And I didn't cover it ... so bada bing bada boom!
EM: And then you tried to steal Daddy's dinner!

BC: I'm not the only cat around here that's helped myself to The Boy's plate.
EM: I have no idea what you're talking about ...
BC: Let me refresh your memory ...

EM: I was just inhaling! Err ... I mean ... I was inhaling AIR ... but not food! Stinky ham sandwich air.
{Pause}
EM: Yum. The thought is making me hungry all over again.
BC: You are ever NOT hungry?
EM: Now that you mention it ...
BC: That's why you're the size of an airplane ...
EM: I'm not in the mood for ...
{Pause}
EM: TURKEY!
BC: You've called me some pretty messed up things ... but a turkey is the lowest!
EM: NO! There's TURKEY up here!
BC: Well, OBVIOUSLY. I mean, YOU'RE up there!
EM: Very ... funny. Ha ... ha ... ha ... ha.

BC: I thought you said there wasn't any food up ...
EM: Oops. I missed it. 
BC: Momma didn't cook the turkey, right?
EM: No. My Daddy did! If you think that makes it any better ...
BC: How do you miss turkey? I mean, if you're not shooting at it.
EM: {BURP}. 
BC: EXCUSE YOU! Manners these days! No respect from these kids. Your elders should be fed first.

EM: There's something else up here ... it smells weird ...
BC: Clear bottle? Dark liquid?
EM: How did you ...
BC: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SPILL THAT BOTTLE!!!
EM: I found the good stuff?

BC: NO! Momma gets VERY angry when some cat knocks over her Diet Pepsi. You've heard about not crying over spilled milk? Well, Momma cries over spilled Diet Pepsi. Just saying.
EM: You're not saying that just to trick me, are you? You know, to keep the good stuff to yourself?
BC: When it gets spilled, it IS pretty funny to watch Momma scrambling about, arms flailing, and ... GET DOWN! Just GET DOWN! MOMMA! MOMMA! Smellie's messing with your Diet ...
EM: SHEESH! I just want to sniff around! But NOOOO. My brother's Mr. Grumpy Pants and he ruins all my fun!

BC: Hmmm ... the turkey is up there all alone ... I might just have to keep it company. It's a hard job, but some cat has to do it. It's only right that it would be a gentle cat like me.
EM: GENTLE?!?! Hahahahaha. How do you think your tasty whole chicken will feel when you cheat on it?
BC: Chicken and I aren't in a monogamous relationship.
{Silence}
BC: {looking around} WHAT?! What'd I say?


*** MOMMA'S BIRTHDAY ***

{Momma walks into the room where the cats and The Boy are}
EM: Momma! Momma! Guess ...
The Boy: SHHHHHHHHH!
EM: What? She doesn't know the surprise!
BC: She's just too stupid to live!
EM: HAPPY ...
BC: Whatever.
EM: HEY! Say your part!
BC: Birthday.
EM: NO! I say "happy" and you say "birthday!"
{Pause}
EM: HAPPY ...
BC: Pizza!

The Boy: He's doing this on purpose.
EM: Doing wh ...
BC: Birthday!
{Pause}
BC: ANKLE!
{Pause}
BC: GAS!!!
EM: This is NOT how we practiced it. You're RUINING everything, stupid head!
BC: I'm not a stupid head! You're a stupid head!
EM: You can't be nice for just ONE day for Momma's birthday?
BC: Shows what you know. I let her pet me for an HOUR earlier! And I gave her her birthday wake-up wet nose in the ear! That's better than any ...
The Boy: Sheesh. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KAT!
{Pause}
The Boy: And here's your present on the table ...
{Bear notices a stuffed Bear on Momma's table}

BC: {GASP!!!} What is THAT?!?!
The Boy: A new bear.
BC: REALLY?!? You think I'm not enough Bear for her? This is the second impostor you've introduced into our lives. This chump has it coming six ways to his butt hole.
{Silence}
BC: That sounded a lot better in my head.
The Boy: Sometimes I wish you'd leave it there.
BC: I've never been so insulted since ... since ... this morning! Get this chump out of here!
MK: I LOVE IT!!! So pretty! And soft! And warm!
EM: The only chump I see ...
BC: SHUT IT! No one told me about this ... this ... travesty!
EM: Hmm. Daddy, I kind of agree with him. I mean, how would you feel if he gave Momma another boyfriend?
BC: YEAH!
{Silence}

*** THE BOY'S BIRTHDAY ***

BC: You have to!
EM: I don't really see how ...
BC: Do you love your Daddy or not?
EM: Well, of course! But is jumping out of his birthday cake really demonstrating my love for him? It sounds ... messy.
BC: If you really love someone, you have to jump out of a cake for them.
EM: Did you jump out of a cake for Momma's birthday?
BC: Well, NO! Because she didn't have cake. But I would've.
EM: Won't he be mad if I get cat fur in his cake? How do I get in the cake? Does it have to be baked around me? Or do they have a mold to set it over me?
BC: Yep.
EM: Which one?
BC: I don't want to ruin the surprise.
MK: Surprise? What surprise?
EM: I'm jumping out of Daddy's birthday cake.
{Silence}
MK {groan} Wake me up when it's December!

And if that weren't enough, The Boy's cake didn't go as planned ... thus Momma's tips to fail like a boss ...

1) Make surprise birthday cake after boyfriend goes to bed - meanwhile employing all kinds of strategies to hide the noise of the activity.
2) Get everything cleaned up in the kitchen while it bakes.
3) When it's done, have the BRILLIANT idea to hide it outside of the kitchen, loosely covered because it's still cooling.
4) Climb some random object to reach the top shelf of the bookcase.
5) Place cooling rack, cake pan, and loose cover on top of bookshelf.
6) Decide it needs more air so you try to rearrange the top of the bookcase so it has a couple inches room on all sides.
7) Lose balance and fall off random object - knocking the cake off the bookcase.
8) [No longer loosely covered] Cake pan lands upside down on the cats' food bowl, flipping it over and ensuring there's a healthy sprinkling of kibble throughout the crumb pile that was the cake.
9) Realize that this is your life. Try not to cry.
10) Keep cat out of cake while trying to clean up the mess ... and clean up the kibble now showered all over the second bedroom.
11) Notice two very ticked off cats.
12) Recognize that you overachieve even while failing.
13) From now on, hibernate from October 31 to December 02 every year {just in case}.
14) Hope the cats (and the fiance) forgive me.

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49 comments:

  1. Oh that is something that would happen to me. So sorry. Oh well, at least you tried. Have a good day.

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  2. You two really do have excellent table manners!

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  3. Wow, that's a lot of celebrating to do at the end of November. Bear, you better keep your eye on that new bear. And that cake disaster, too funny! I mean now that you can look back at it.

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    Replies
    1. You think the cake debacle was the bear's fault? I have my suspicions ... ~Bear Cat

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  4. It sounds like triple the paw-ty entertainment at your house! Happy Belated Birthday wishes and I hope everypawdy had a nom nom Thanksgiving. There are no birthdays around Thanksgiving at my house, but the doggie was adopted the weekend following Thanksgiving several years ago. I guess that means her Gotcha Day came and went this year, but Mom and Dad furgot to celebrate it! Shh . . . I think I won't mention that to the doggie.

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    Replies
    1. We had wonderful days! My Momma doesn't celebrate my Gotcha Day either! I swear! Insult after insult! ~Bear Cat

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  5. I have to agree with Brian, you two have amazing table manners!

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  6. Hey Bear, you can use the stuffed bear as a sleeping place. They are soft. Signed--Sadie. Also, do you have more tips for getting extra turkey. I LOVES me some turkey.

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  7. Bummer about the surprise cake but hope effurry-one had terrific birthdays! 🎂

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  8. Oh those table manners would be perfectly acceptable around here. Well, when it's just me at home. Heeee. BUT that should not keep the two of you from visitatin' over here . Pop pn thru the tunnel. I just texted the coordinates. Have a look-see.
    XXXXX

    Happy Birfday to MK and The Boy

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  9. Oh no! Sorry about the cake, but the thought was there.

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  10. My oh my, you must have some whacky dreams, Bear! MOL Mudpie is quite concerned :)

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry. She's the star of them all! ~Bear Cat
      ps - Err ... that doesn't sound right. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

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  11. Never a dull moment - we can relate to that!! Happy Birthday to everyone!!

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  12. AMARULA: ANOTHER BEAR!! That thing has a vacant stare--clearly not at all as intelligent as you! How dare the boy do such a thing! If you need help with a little "bearnapping" job you just let me know! I could probably even rope that dunderhead Frodo into helping out--i could convince him it's his new best friend--God knows they likely have the same IQ!! THe human says to tell your mom and The Boy happy belated bday!

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahahaha. Maybe we could get Frodo to elope with the bear! Can you imagine how inane their conversations would be? ~Bear Cat

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  13. I remember that picture from last Thanksgiving with Bear up on your table with the Thanksgiving meal. I love it! I hope MK and the Boy had happy birthdays and that you all had a happy Thanksgiving! The lady's birthday was this month too. Sorry about MK's cake. The lady has had a lot of bad luck with cakes in the past, maybe not quite this bad.

    Stinky ham sandwich air. Yeah!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! We enjoyed the last week ... and the cake was actually pretty good ... with lots of frosting ;)

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  14. Of course the hoomins eat all the best food! And happy birthday!

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  15. Aww, you guys have really too much to cope with in a week. Maybe you should move the birthdays so they don't coincide? I mean surely it is academic when they fall so you could just arrange them so they fall every three months? You could also move Christmas so it's six months after Thanksgiving– or if that doesn't suit, six months before!
    Toodlepips and purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Why celebrate birthdays at all? No one celebrates mine and I'm just fine! ~Bear Cat

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    2. Maybe, Bear, we should get all radical and celebrate all these things together every day–celebrate the goodness each minute of every day (and night, except during naps!) Just think of all the treats we could get and all the lovin' and cuddles too. Of course the humans might get worn out– but we could just have different ones on rotation?
      Purrs
      ERin

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  16. Yay you two getting on the table. After all all flat surfaces are meant to be tested...high or low.
    Happy Bday to Boy and OMCs I have serious bear ENVY. He looks so soft and plush
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. He is soft and plush ... and no teeth! Unlike a certain Bear around here ...

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  17. Never a boring moment at your house, huh? Glad you all survived.

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  18. Yikes, that cake incident sounds wild! I'm glad you are okay, Kat.

    We hope MommaKat and the Boy had nice birthdays. Hugs to you all!

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  19. Love that stuffed Bear!! (but not more than the REAL Bear!!) Happy Belated birthday to all! Wait, Mom and the "boy" are the same sign? If so, now THAT'S a challenge! xoxo

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  20. I have to tell you...when my Mom read what your Mom did (with the Boy's Cake) at the end of the post...she laughed so hard...COFFEE came out her nose!!!
    I LOVE it when that happens!
    Mom said she was laughing with not AT your Mom. She says she too overachieves even while failing.
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. She's glad to know she's not alone. It wasn't funny for about 24 hours - but she's a tough one ... she sure knows how to keep on keeping on!

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  21. Never a dull moment at your house :) I hope your Momma and Daddy had nice birthdays!

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  22. Happy Birthday to your Momma and the Boy. It's too bad about the cake (😂 😂 😂). You're not the only overachiever at failure on the planet. I'm downsizing my storage bin. I stacked some boxes and went to get more, I come back and all my boxes had tipped over. One box in the middle of the stack imploded and dumped the others. Glassware is now glass shards. 😝 Poop happens, at least no one was hurt. ☺

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    1. Thank you :) Wow. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!

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  23. Too bad about the cake ! We hope your mom and dad had a great birthday anyway ! Purrs

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  24. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaw Sorry 'bout your cake fail awnty Kat. At least you tried. Happy birthday to all. We'd gladly jump outta a cake fur mommy. Good fur you Ellie. MOL big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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