Friday, May 3, 2019

Driving each other buggy

The cats are home alone when Ellie finds a bug. Ellie's desperate for a friend, and Bear's frustrated that his sister isn't a more ruthless and brutal hunter. And Momma and The Boy come home smelling like wet dog!

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: I've got you! 
BC: {looking around} I'm all the way over here!
EM: I wasn't talking about you.
BC: Well, I wasn't talking about you either!
EM: Mr. Bug, we're going to be best friends! My name in Ellie Mae! Do you like sparkle balls? Because I have tons of sparkle balls. We can braid each other's fur ... wait ... do you have fur?
BC: WHAT?!? FRIENDS? With a bug? Do you have no self-respect?
EM: Do you mind? I'm a little busy here.
BC: Talking to your sparkle balls again?
EM: NO! I have a bug! We're going to be best friends!
{Pause as Ellie lifts her paw to look if she caught the bug}
EM: Well, I HAD a bug.
BC: Where?
EM: Under my paw!
BC: Sheesh. WHERE'S THE BUG?
EM: It was under my paw.
BC: I KNOW THAT! WHERE IS IT NOW?
EM: Don't you think if I knew where it was, I'd be socializing with it?
BC: Which way did it go?
EM: THAT way!

{Pause}
EM: Err ... 
{Pause}
EM: That way?
BC: You don't know, do you?
EM: I know! I'm just ... it's my sparkle ball's fault! They get jealous of my friends.
BC: Oh, really? There's not a sparkle ball within ten feet of you.
EM: You should know ... they're tricky! Don't underestimate a sparkle ball.
BC: I think you OVER-estimate them.
EM: You haven't met my sparkle balls.
BC: THEY'RE NOT REAL!
EM: Don't be ridiculous! There's one sitting on the other side of the room. That's pretty real to me.
BC: No ... I meant sparkle balls don't have thoughts and feelings.
EM: HOW RUDE! Just because you don't understand them doesn't mean they don't.
BC: Classic women's logic.
EM: Oh, shut up! I've heard you fight with your toys too! Like the other day when your mousie was mocking you.
BC: Yeah. But that's a mousie! Not a stupid sparkle ball.

EM: THEY CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW! And they outnumber us!
BC: If one wants something done right, one must do it himself.
EM: Or herself.
BC: Yeah. Right. Women doing something right ...
{WHAP!}
BC: OWW! What was that for?
EM: I did something right.
BC: Phht. THAT'S a first.
{WHAP!!!! WHAP!!!}
BC: HEY! Stop whapping me!
EM: Only if you stop being ... you.

BC: If I'm not being me, I'm not really me.
EM: My head hurts.
BC: Move. I'll take care of the bug. 
EM: But I saw it first! And I want a friend!
BC: But I'm the senior member of the household. I get first dibs!
EM: That's not fair!
BC: You know what they call me?
EM: An a-hole?
BC: WHAT?!?! Who said that? A three-legged spider?
EM: Well, you're a jerk to everyone ... but you haven't pulled any of my legs out ... so I guess I can't complain.
BC: Just call me ... The Terminator.
EM: No. I'll just call you jerk face, like always.

BC: Bear Cat Kat ... protecting Momma from the caped crusaders who want to suck her blood.
EM: Wait ... what?!? You can't hurt my friend!
BC: No bug is a friend of Bear Cat Kat!
EM: That's not a mosquito!
BC: Are YOU the expert?
EM: Well, no. I guess not. It just doesn't look like the mosquito Momma was chasing the other night.
BC: Don't worry. I will take of this before Momma gets home.
EM: You're so nice ... to Momma. Not so much to my new friend, Mr. McBuggy.
BC: You named him?
EM: Friends should have names.
BC: Now move out of my way, so I can give this bug a come to Bear experience he can't forget.
EM: Come to Bear?
BC: Like come to Jesus ... only with me.
EM: But he's my FRIEND! You can't hurt my FRIEND!
BC: {AHEM!}
EM: Wait a ... that bug isn't a mosquito! You just told me that so I'd let you have it!
BC: I'd be careful ... it might eat you!

EM: Oh, NO! 
BC: Here, buggy buggy ...

EM: I'm going to hide under the bed so it doesn't eat me!
{Momma and The Boy walk in the front door}
EM: You got home just in time! Bear stole my bug that I was making friends with and then told me it was a mosquito so I'd let him kill it for Momma!
MK: Aww. That's really sweet, Bear.
EM: It's not SWEET! 
BC: Besides, you were scared it would eat you.
EM: Only because you told me it might eat me!
BC: Phht. Eating you would give a bug indigestion for years. Size of bug ... tiny. Size of Smellie ... barn/airplane hanger!
MK: Okay, you two. That's enough!
BC: {SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF} What is that SMELL?

{Pause as Bear sniffs some more}
BC: Awww ... HELL NO! You smell like wet dog! I don't know what you're up to, but I find a dog around here, I'll give him a special welcome party.
EM: That's nice! A welcome party! Count me in!
BC: Of course you'd be happy.
EM: Do we have a puppy? Do we? We could be friends and tell secrets and braid each other's fur and gang up on Bear and cuddle on laps and stuff ...
MK: Wait a ...
BC: Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em! When I'm through with him he's going to be so messed up that he can look both ways at the same time before crossing the street and he'll be breathing out his ears. They'll have to put an APB out to find his brain!
EM: That's no way to treat a lady!
BC: What?
EM: I bet it's a GIRL dog.
BC: Why would Momma and The Boy want a girl dog when they already have one?
The Boy: But there's no ...
MK: Let's just let them handle this. They clearly don't require our input.
The Boy: Maybe get some popcorn?
EM: They do?! Where is she?
BC: Oh, brother. She just keeps getting dumber. That's got to be some kind of record for drop in IQ points. Then again ... YELLIE's always giving everyone a piece of her mind ... so I guess this is to be expected.
EM: You Q? Can I Q too?!?! PLEASE?!?! We can Q together!
BC: {sigh} I'm not in the mood to Q, I have a headache.

EM: FINE! I'll Q with my new friend! Where's the puppy?
{Pause}
EM: Oh. And what exactly is Q'ing?
BC: When you hide under the bed and are quiet so no one knows you're here.
EM: Wait a minute ... that's See PR! Or at least that's what you told me yesterday!
BC: No. CPR is when you're seen, but not heard. 
EM: Oh. That makes sense. Thus SEE PR. What does the PR stand for?
BC: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
EM: Because you know what it means!
BC: I can't keep talking to you! So dumb, it's painful.
EM: FINE! I'll talk to our new puppy.
BC: Perfect.
EM: Puppy? PUPPY?!?! Where are you? See PR! Bear has a headache so you shouldn't bark, but at least let me see you!
BC: Great! You lure the unsuspecting dimwit puppy out ... and I'll teach it a lesson.

EM: But she's my new best friend!
BC: He's a flea bag with legs!
EM: SHE!
BC: HE!
EM: My best friend!
BC: A dim-witted, over-eager to please, smelly flea bag with legs!
EM: JERK!
BC: Dumb-@$$!
EM: You can't touch my new friend!
BC: I'll go through you if I have to!
{A dog barks outside}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Help! It's going to eat me! It's going to eat me! RUN!
{THUNK!}
BC: Ow.
MK: You should watch where you're going!
BC: I was too busy making sure the dog wasn't chasing me!
MK: Mr. Tough Pants strikes again.
EM: Err ... 
MK: You two might like to know that a dog jumped on us at the park after it'd been swimming.
The Boy: And your Momma actually pet it!
EM: WHAT? No sister? I want a puppy!

BC: Phew. No dog inside. Maybe you should go outside and make friends.
EM: Can I,  Momma? PLEASE!!! I want a friend! I want a friend!
BC: I hate to tell you, but it's a boy dog.
EM: Aww ... how do you know?
BC: The sound of the bark.
EM: Whoa. COOL! WAIT!
{Pause}
EM: My bug is back! I'll finally have a ...
{WHAP!}
EM: HEY! That's my friend!
BC: He's flat.
EM: Maybe he can still be my friend.
BC: I wouldn't count on it.
EM: Awww. Poor McBuggy! He was a good friend.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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37 comments:

  1. Ewww! Wet doggy smells are gross! Best send your ma and the boy into the shower to be sterilised, just in case. And if they start singing that puppy love song then it has gone critical and they will need vet help and or cuddles, asap!
    Purrs
    ERin
    PS I do hope you give the moth thing a nice funeral send off?

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    1. Err ... not really. It was just unceremoniously dumped in the trash! Usually I like to walk around the house with my conquest, but Momma won't let me anymore! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Poor Ellie Mae! That bug friendship was obviously not meant to be. Do you really want a puppy drooling all over your sparkly balls?

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    1. In her defense ... SHE drools all over her sparkle balls ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. At least you all survived the invasion of Mothra!

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  4. Did you give Mr. McBuggy a Viking funeral? (Sound of toilet flushing.)

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  5. Bugs are a big event at our place too! MOL!

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  6. Bear would really give a puppy some hefty whapping lessons!

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  7. Whew Bear I was worried you were get fax yourself somewhere!!
    Ellie Mae Angel Madi was a big spotter of bugs.....but she never wanted to get her paws dirty so she'd yowl her
    "loudest, Mom a Bug come get it"!
    Hugs Cecilia

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    1. I can fax myself somewhere? Like to a beach with hot torties? Asking for a friend ... ~Bear Cat

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  8. RIP, McBuggy. Your friendship will be missed. We keep finding Sophie's friends and putting them outside. But she keeps bringing them back in.

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    1. Hahahaha. I used to find spiders that were missing their legs (and yes, one time I found a three-legged one) - but either there are fewer spiders or Bear just doesn't care anymore!

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  9. Oh, Mudpie LOVES bug watching! Sadly most of her friends meet their demise thanks to her bug-hating mommy. She's actually watching a fairly innocent looking spider on the rug as I type this!

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    Replies
    1. My Momma used to be all goody-goody about killing bugs, spouting stuff about karma. But then between the centipedes, sketchy looking spiders and mosquitoes ... she's loosened that policy quite a bit. She says any bug that might be a danger to her kitties isn't something she wants to have around :)

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  10. Sorry Ellie Mae, you’ll make more friendships along the way!
    Mr. Jack has a penchant for bringing in live earthworms after a storm in the summertime. I already know that he has in his mouth even before he comes back inside becaue he makes a loud happy chirpy siren noise lol. I can’t handle that, so Kevin scoops it up and takes it back outside.

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    1. You should see Bear and his moths! They aren't exactly friends ... ~Ellie Mae

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  11. Poor Ellie Mae! She just wants a friend to play with. Better tell her that while a a puppy would be much cuter than a bug, it might eat her sparkle balls! :)
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  12. After reading this the Tribe of Five had a convo and it was decided that #1-the general consensus here is that mousies are far better than sparkle balls (but we do love leaving them under the furniture so that The Female Human always feels like she's on a treasure hunt when she cleans), and #2-the best way to freak your humans out is to have five cats staring at the ceiling and twitching their tails as the human tries to figure out what we're staring at and where it is.
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto & The Tribe of Five

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    Replies
    1. On the other hand, Momma appreciates that if a cricket gets in, Bear will tell her where it is. They are so hard to find with their intermittent chirping and can drive a person insane! Just because of that ... Momma has to admit that she appreciates Bear's "help."

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  13. Ellie, I think you deserve that puppy.

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  14. We're waiting for the miller moths to arrive. Let the fur-iend chases begin.

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    1. There's no living with Bear when he catches a moth ... he carries it around mewing to make sure everyone knows of his conquest :)

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  15. Ellie..no, you don't want a puppy. I have to impart to you between us girlcats that a puppy would...gasp...take your lap away because MK would be busy snuggling him or her. AND she'd be out walking the puppy. AND the puppy might widdle on your toys...and...well, just come over here again. We'll get together in a pile and get things lined out for your plan of action. I'm a lot older than you...I have experience. Right?

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  16. "Never underestimate the power of a sparkle ball." I like that, it should be on a bumper sticker or something :)

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  17. Ava is a little rough on those kinds of friends here, Ellie Mae. Friends are a good thing. Maybe you'll get one some day!

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  18. Maybe your momma or The Boy brought home a new buggy for you, Ellie Mae. After all they did pet by a wet D-O-G and stinky wet doggies are bug magnets. Tee hee hee. Winks. -Valentine (& Kerry) of Noir Kitty Mews

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    Replies
    1. You'd be the best source of information on doggies, V. We think you're right!

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