Tuesday, May 7, 2019

One of THOSE days

Ellie romances a bag of kibble and finds herself in a predicament she can't find her way out of. Of course, Bear's there for the show, and to heckle her - which backfires when his past exploits come to the fore.  And Momma's barely hanging on to her sanity ... you can probably guess why!

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

EM: {walking into the room} Hmmm ... Well, HELLLLLLO, handsome! Funny seeing a bag like you in a place like this! May I join you?
{Pause as Ellie looks around}
EM: The kibble bag is open ... and Momma isn't here ...
{Pause}
EM: SNIFF SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFF! But it smells so good! 

{Pause}
EM: I'd still be a good girl if I have a little taste, right?
{Pause}
EM: Maybe if I just grab a little ... no one needs to know ...
{Pause}
EM: The bag is standing up! How do I get in there? Hmmm ... 
{Pause}
EM: OH! I know!!! 
{Pause as Ellie looks both ways before leaning into the kibble bag and knocking it over}
{THUNK!}
EM: Oops. I better wait and make sure no one comes before I ...
{Pause as Ellie looks in all directions}
EM: I could just stick my head in the bag ...

{Pause}
EM: No. That would be too much like Bear.
{Pause}
EM: But then again, who would know? I'll be in and out before anyone knows what's going on.

{Pause}
EM: Bear would tell on me ... but I don't know where he is. Maybe I should find him first.
{Pause}
EM: Then again, by then it might be too late to partake of the open bag.
{Pause}
EM: But what happens if my head gets stuck? I should try to paw the kibble out first!
{Pause as Ellie tries to paw some of the kibble out of the bag}
EM: Just a little further ... I can't quite ...

{Pause}
EM: Okay ... try it a different way ...
{Pause as Ellie tries to paw some of the kibble out of the bag in her new position}
EM: NUTSICLES! I can't reach it! The kibble's too far back in the bag to paw out! Sclose to the promised land ...

{Ellie shoves her head in the kibble bag}
EM: HUH?
{Pause}
EM: WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
{Pause}
EM: This isn't funny! I'm scared of the dark!!
{Pause}
EM: Am I dead? Momma killed me? What other explanation is there?
BC: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. You lost your head!
EM: I did? Where did it go? Can you see it?
{WHAP!}
BC: Nice butt ... especially for your size.
EM: It's not very nice to make fun of my butt!
BC: I wasn't. I was making fun of you.
EM: Where am I? And why is it so dark? Am I dead?
BC: If only I were so lucky!
EM: That's not very nice! You'd miss me!
BC: MOMMA! MOMMA! 
EM: SHHHHHH! I'll get in trouble!

BC: You'd better come quick! The dumb-@$$ managed to get her head stuck in the kibble bag!
EM: STUCK? You mean I'll have to live the rest of my life like this? 
{Pause}
EM: Then again ... I have food. But using the litter box will be complicated. And how do I drink water and eat my wet food treat?
BC: {from the other room} MOMMA! Smellie got herself in trouble!
{Pause}
EM: Am I broken? Pregnant? What kind of trouble am I in? Is there a monster behind me? Am I about to be eaten by it?
BC: {mumbling} PSST! Momma! She's too stupid to realize she isn't really STUCK ...
MK: And did you help her get into trouble?
BC: NO! She did this all on her own! Why do I get blamed for everything around here?
{Pause}
BC: Okay. Okay. I know why. But even I didn't come up with this! That would've been brilliant though! How long before she realizes she can just back up? Bets?

EM: Bear? Momma?!? DADDY?! Where is everyone? HELP! HELP! Oh, maybe I'll just wiggle my head out this ...
{Pause}
EM: It's eating me! It's eating me! The bag of food is eating me! HELP! HELP! SOMEONE? ANYONE?!? I feel the warm breath of the monster ... the sharp teeth ... there's a monster that lives in the kibble bag!
BC: Great. One MORE dimwit to share my food with.
{Pause}
EM: HELP! HELP! The harder I try to get out, the more I get stuck!
BC: Hahahahahaha. Dumb-@$$!
EM: I HEAR you laughing, Bear!
BC: You should see yourself!
MK: Bear, you remember what kitty trauma drama is. If I remember correctly, some boy-cat got the handle of a plastic grocery bag caught around his body and across his chest.

EM: REALLY?!? WHO?!?
BC: ME, you wit-less twit!
MK: I have pictures!
BC: HEY! I was traumatized!
EM: Did you call for your Mommy?
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. Men don't call for their Mommies! They call them Moms or Mommas!
EM: How did you get in that mess to begin with?
BC: How cute. You have to ask.
MK: I'd just carried in my groceries that I set on the kitchen floor. I had a bag with a container of milk and some movies from the library. He couldn't keep his nose out of my stuff and he was nosing through a bag when I opened the refrigerator and startled him. He pulled back - but realized the handle was around his body, so he flipped out and took off, sending the gallon of milk one direction, and the other movies the other.
EM: Hahahaha. That sounds like Bear.
BC: I was traumatized! And what does Momma do? 
MK: I couldn't help but crack up - which freaked Bear out when I tried to get close to him to help him.
BC: It took her FIFTEEN minutes to stop laughing for long enough to help me!
EM: Oh! Help! Good idea! Get me out of here! HELP! HELP!
{Pause as Ellie listens to what sounds like giggling}
EM: Who's laughing? Are you two out there LAUGHING at me? My Daddy would never laugh at me! When I get out of here, I'm going to give you a piece of my mind!
BC: Well, that's convenient because that's all you have left.
EM: You're going to regret this!
MK: I hate to break it to you, but there's nothing you could do that Bear hasn't done - so my regret-o-meter is kind of broken.
BC: Yeah! I'm a force of nature! A bad mother-meower! I am Bear ... hear me roar!
EM: Bears don't roar, you moron!

BC: Oh? YOU'RE the expert on bears? I'm a bear!
EM: Oh. Right.
BC: That's what I thought. Your credibility is hamstrung by the fact that you're stuck in a kibble bag.
MK: Bears don't roar.
BC: Shows what you know.
{Pause as Momma raises an eyebrow}
BC: I know that! I was testing you! It's just an expression!
EM: Of your stupidity!
BC: You're mean when your head is stuck in the kibble bag.
EM: I'm mean because you always make fun of me. You barf on my scratchers. Kick me out of my beds ...
BC: Hmm. I give you those.
EM: It's so unfair! Bear did do much Bear-stuff that I can't even make the slightest impression. Barf on things? Oh, Bear did it. Stealing food? Bear did it. Knocking stuff off the counter? Bear did it. Refusing to get off the counter? Bear did that too. Destroying the love seat, playing in his water bowl, running outside just to prove he can and then hiding behind the rosebush, standing outside in the pouring rain and daring Momma to come get him, rolling in the mud on the front porch, getting a paw stuck in the toaster, then a jar of peanut butter, emptying the bathroom shelves into the toilet ... how can anyone compete with that?
BC: I've had quite a distinguished career! I BROKE the mold!
EM: Like you destroy everything else!

BC: That's right! Just call me the Destroyer!
MK: Ellie, I'm going to help you, okay?
BC: Aww ... man! Do you have to? I don't think there's enough help in this world for that girl.
MK: Did I have to remove the handle to the plastic bag when you got it caught around your body?
BC: That's different! I thought the bag was chasing me! {mumbling}.
EM: EXACTLY! The kibble bag is trying to eat me!
MK: Oh, for the love. No one's been chased or eaten by any bag of any kind.
BC: You'll see ... only too late. They're unionized.
EM: Oh, NO! UNIONIZED?!?!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... what does unionized mean?
MK: Just hold still!
EM: I can't see anything! HELP!
BC: Open your eyes, dumb-$#!+!

EM: OH! Cool! I see normally! Am I dead? Because I'm surrounded by scads of kibble! This is heaven!
{Momma grabs Ellie}
EM: NO! Don't take me from my happy place back into a life with .... BEAR! Just one more bite of kibble, okay?
BC: HEY! What's so bad about life with me?
EM: {obviously chewing kibble while talking} Don'f geff mwe tartez.
BC: Oh, great. Now she's slobbering over the entire bag! All the kibble ... RUINED!
EM: Nof who'f lafang?!?!
BC: Take this!
{WHAP!}
EM: HEY! Momma said you aren't allowed to touch my butt! I'M BEING MOLESTED WHILE MY HEAD IS STUCK IN THE KIBBLE BAG! Arrest him! Throw the book at him!
BC: Poor you.
MK: Bear, you're not helping!
EM: Momma! Don't rip me from the bosom of heaven!
BC: More like the butt.
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: {walking in the front door} What's going on?
MK: {pulling Ellie out of the food bag} Do you really want to know?
{Pause as The Boy thinks}
EM: Place me back in the bosom of my noms!! I'm collecting my sparkle balls and going back to live in the food bag!

The Boy: Ah. One of THOSE days. Nope. I'm good.
BC: Do you promise to never come out again and be quiet?
EM: OKAY!
BC: Eh. What's one bag of food in exchange for peace and everything being mine.
MK: NO! No one's going to live in the food bag! Ellie, if you're hungry, I just filled both of your food bowls.
EM: But ... but ... it's not the same! 
BC: You're telling me!
EM: Kibble tastes better in the bag!
BC: Really?! Can I try that? Momma? 
EM: SHUT UP, Bear! If it weren't for you, I'd still be safely swaddled in the bosom of heaven!
BC: You asked for help!
{Pause}
BC: Well, I at least wanted Momma to see you with your head stuck in the bag!
{The Boy walks back into the room}
Both cats at the same time: Thanks for ruining EVERYTHING!
The Boy: Err ... I left my phone in the bedroom.
MK: CHICKEN!
BC: WHERE?!?!?! Where's the chicken? 
{Pause}
BC: Don't yell fire in a crowded theater, Momma!
MK: I think you're talking about crying wolf. I called The Boy a chicken because he can't handle your nonsense.
EM: A wolf? Would that eat me? Because ...

MK: {leaving the room} I need to go see if The Boy is okay.
BC: Maybe he fell in! Hahahahaha.
EM: You're a jerk! You always come to the places I'm sleeping and annoy me until I give up the spot ... over and over ... like six times a night!
BC: It's not my fault you're sleeping where I have to sleep.
EM: Have to?
MK: {in the closet with The Boy - whispering} They're going to realize we're gone any minute!
The Boy: You're the one that closed the food bag! If you'd left it open, they would've entertained themselves for hours! By the way ... you think we could fit a little refrigerator in here beside the microwave?
BC: It's a pretty complex numerical calculation.
EM: So it's not just by whim?
BC: Err ... I didn't say that.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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42 comments:

  1. Oh, Ellie, I totally understand the desire to close yourself away from the insanity of life. But maybe your sparkly balls would get lonely inside the bag? And you don't really want Bear to think he won, do you???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But ... but ... my sparkle balls wouldn't be alone! They'd have me! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  2. Oh Ellie, you should never climb into a kibble bag. Girl, hold out fur the good stuffs. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's every cat's dream to be stuck in a giant bag of food.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ellie, I despair! You get into the kibble bag then instead of tucking in you think you are stuck! Think of what you missed!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And Momma won't let me go back! No matter how cute I am. Awwww! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  5. Thanks for the tips Ellie, I see we've got a big bag of something here that I'd best check out!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be careful ... you never know what danger lurks in big bags! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  6. Ellie, you've got a good idea there, living inside the kibble bag!

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you find a way to return to the bosom of heaven {new food bag}, Ellie, I'd like to join you, 'cause Mom is feeding me stale kibble -- the kind that lingers at the bottom of a mostly empty bag. Tee hee hee. Winks.

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  8. Ellie you would surely save yourself a lot of work if you could set up your bed inside the bag of kibble
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, RIGHT? ~Ellie Mae
      Yeah. Like she needs a front seat to food! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. dood...we due hafta agreez with yur sisturr that bee in ina kibbles bag iz just like thiz side oh heaven;
    if ya hada way out de other end ya could haza kibble tunnelz ;) ♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And Momma won't let me go back! No matter how cute I am. Awwww! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  10. Mudpie loves her Purina One so she thinks you have a pretty good idea there, Ellie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feeds it! And Mudpie has excellent taste!

      Delete
  11. Ellie, I will email you...don't worry, Bear won't see it so he can't snoop...and I will tell you how to get back into the kibble bag, and eat till your heart is content; but then...then...how to get OUT!~ I will send detailed instructions tonight. We girls have to stick together. Pinky toesie swear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AWESOME! Momma won't let me go back! No matter how cute I am. ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  12. The Boy always seems to miss out on all "the fun". Or does he walk in at just the right time??

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  13. Oh Ellie, we would have climbed right in that bag too. That was a good idea even if it was a little dark. You all have a great rest of the week.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No bag is safe at our house either. Especially those awful plastic bags that jump around our necks and scare the skittles out of us! Also those shopping bags with the rope-like handles. Mom cuts them off right away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cutting off the handles is a good idea! Though Bear refuses to go near a plastic bag period :)

      Delete
  15. Ah, a classic case of the kibble bits back! MOL Mrs H says she has heard of food going straight to the hips, but straight all over is a first!
    Maybe what Ellie needs is portion control, and small bags of kibble, that way she wont need rescuing. Mind you that would not be half as much fun for Bear.....
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Phht. I didn't need rescuing! I finally found my tribe! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  16. Ninja and I have agreed that you are one cute looking grrl cat! And our Mom does not buy kibble bags that big....something about a before cat who distroyed a big bag of kibble!
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. NELLIE?!?!? Momma felt a bit stupid the first time she bought a 16 pound bag for just me (at the time 14 pounds) - but with multiple cats, it makes it easier for her. ~Bear Cat

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  17. Ellie, you might just be onto something there. Living in the food bag. We could trick it out with a bed and a water bowl, some toys, and lots of other stuff! Well, we can dream. Right? XO - Gracie and Ava

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's a food bag that big? That'd be AWESOME! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  18. AMARULA: Frodo tries to get into the food bag all the time! I've started to carry around a stapler so I can staple the bag shut next time he goes in there--but Zulu will likely rat me out!

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    Replies
    1. Figures. Frodo and Smellie were cut from the same dim-witted and annoying cloth! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  19. Living in a kibble bag has its own set of problems you wouldn't want to deal with, guys. Trust me on that one!

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  20. Oh gosh, good thing we don't have kibble bags that big here! I think Sophie and Woodrow would take up residence inside, too.

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    Replies
    1. We'd love to see them both try! We wonder who would win?

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  21. Ellie, you really need to get over the puking on the scratcher incident :)

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