Friday, June 14, 2019

Order in the court!

Momma makes a big deal about both cats sharing the same window. Bear plans his revenge but he's foiled at every turn by a certain black cat sister.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

MK: Oh, hi, Ellie! I didn't realize you were in Bear's window.
EM: Meow mew m'row!
BC: It's a travesty! I have to SHARE with HER.
MK: Wait a minute ... BEAR?!?!?! {Loud squeal} You two are SHARING the window?
BC: Phht. We're on the same window sill four feet apart. We're not sharing any thing. And it's insulting that you think I would lower myself to sharing my window with my sister.
EM: Mew me'ow!
BC: SHUT UP! 

{Pause}
BC: Isn't it bad enough that I have to see you? But hear you too?
The Boy: {running into the bedroom} WHAT?!?! What's wrong? I heard you squeal. Is everything okay?
BC: NO! Nothing will ever be okay again! I have a stupid sister that ruins everything!
The Boy: You mean a sisfur?
BC: I mean a fat and obnoxious girl cat who thinks she lives here.
EM: I DO live here!
BC: I know! That's why nothing will ever be okay again!
EM: I'm not so bad!
BC: Said every dictator and tyrant EVER!
EM: You're the one that acts like a dictator and tyrant! I'm sweet and a good cat!
BC: Yeah. Sweet to beat up. And a cat only in name.
EM: You can't beat me up. You always try and you always fail.
BC: Because a certain Momma protects you.
EM: Phht! I'm her favorite!
BC: Take that back!
EM: Phht!
BC: Momma likes a challenge. And she needs me.
MK: You two are so cute! I'm going to run outside and take pictures of you two in the window together.
BC: I thought we were over this.
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! MOMMA! You're wearing your pajamas!

MK: But if I stop to change ...
BC: RATS! My attempts to stall her are foiled! At least she lost the bunny slippers.
{Momma leaves the room to run outside - grabbing her camera on the way}
BC: Get out of my window, Smellie!
EM: I have every right to be here!
BC: Stop being difficult and just MOVE, Smellie!
EM: You can't make me!
BC: Oh, really?
EM: STOP LICKING ME!!!
BC: You're blocking the exit to my window.
EM: It's my window too!
BC: Whatever! Just move before Momma gets a picture of us in the same window!
EM: I don't understand what the big deal ...
BC: I have street cred to think about!

EM: So do I!
BC: Being annoying isn't street cred. If you had street cred, it wouldn't hurt mine to be seen with you.
EM: You don't want to be seen with me?
{The front door opens}
BC: SMELLIE!
EM: Huh?
BC: MOVE! If Momma gets pictures of this I'll never hear the end of it! My bros will call me a Smellie-lover and - even worse - a SHARER. Yuck!
EM: So? Maybe your bros are just stupid!
BC: So what?
EM: Ask nicely.
BC: For what?
EM: Me to move! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
BC: I DON'T CARE HOW YOU CATCH YOUR FLIES ... JUST MOVE!
EM: It's a saying!
BC: OH! There she is! PLEASE move!

EM: Okay!
BC: {running out the window behind Ellie} Phew. That was close.
MK: {walking back inside} Where did you two go? Hello?!?! Where did everyone go?
The Boy: The cats took off down the hall.
MK: Together?
The Boy: I think so.
MK: I don't hear anything.
{Silence}
The Boy: So?
MK: When these two are quiet .... either one - they are up to something, or two - they're eating. The food bowls are in the other direction so ...
The Boy: How much trouble can two cats get in?
MK: You clearly never met Bear in his prime.
The Boy: It couldn't have been THAT bad.
MK: When he wanted attention things got messy. He got his paw stuck in the toaster ... more than once! He got his back paw stuck in a jar of peanut butter. Then there's the plastic bag handle he got stuck around his body. He cleaned off the shelf behind the toilet into the toilet more times than I can count. Carpet, furniture ... that boy was a force of nature!
EM: Momma!
MK: Hi, Ellie.
EM: Bear says I have to give this to you.

MK: What is it?
EM: We're suing you.
MK: Excuse me?
EM: You've been served.
MK: Unpaid wages?! Cruel and unusual punishment? Neglect? Hostile and annoying work environment? Refusing a contract? Are you two for real?

EM: We mean business, Momma.
MK: Sounds like a kangaroo court.
EM: Bear! You're right! She's not even listening to us! NO! It's for CATS not kangaroos!
MK: What the ...
EM: The Judge Bear Cat Kat presiding.
MK: WHAT?!?! The plaintiff can't be the judge!
BC: I'll be the judge of that. Now, Bailiff Smellie, address me properly.
EM: Judge Moody presiding.
MK: Judge Moody ... Judge Judy ... hahahahaha.
BC: SILENCE! Smellie, what did I say?
EM: Silence!
BC: NO! About how I am to be addressed!
EM: You're being addressed? Where's Momma sending you?
BC: FINE! If one wants something done right, he must do it himself. {AHEM}
{Pause}
BC: The most honorable Bear Cat Kat presiding.

EM: Most honorable? Hahahahahaha.
BC: QUIET in the court!
MK: Okay. This is just plain ridiculous. The cats' court? The plaintiff and the judge are the same cat? WHAT?!?!?! $93,724,681?!?
BC: And sixty-seven cents!
MK: What's that for? I'm kind of suspicious as to how you came up with that number.
BC: I'll be the judge of that.
MK: YOU CAME UP WITH THE NUMBER!
EM: Don't be mean to him! He didn't actually come up with the number, he just pulled that number out of his @$$! 
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: SILENCE IN THE COURTROOM! YOU! The witness! No talking until I tell you you can talk.
EM: I thought I was the bailiff?
{Bear glares at Ellie}
EM: Sorry, your royal heinie.
{The Boy and Momma chuckle}
BC: HIGHNESS! My royal HIGHNESS!
EM: But you're sitting on the table! That's not really high.
BC: Let's hear the evidence!
EM: There isn't any.
BC: I'M THE JUDGE! YOU'RE THE JURY ... SO SHUT IT!

EM: I thought I was the witness! And the bailiff.
BC: You are what I tell you you are!
MK: This is forked up. Then again, what would one expect from The Cats' Court?
EM: You know, she's kind of right.
BC: A hostile witness!
EM: How do I know what I am at any given time?
BC: I TELL you! If I tell you you're an annoying sister ... you're an annoying sister! If I tell you to jump off a bridge ... jump off a bridge. Now stop interrupting me!
MK: Talk about judge, jury and executioner.
EM: But we don't want to kill you, Momma! We just want money to buy a tasty whole chicken farm, a tuna farm, two tanks, some bazookas ...
BC: Don't forget the tiara!
EM: But I don't want a tiara!
BC: NO! For me!
EM: But you can't wear a tiara! You're a boy!
BC: Are you saying boys can't be princesses?
EM: YES!
BC: Fine. Then you can't be smart because you're not a boy!
EM: I have just as many balls as you do.
BC: Irrelevant!
{Momma and The Boy chuckle}
BC: Oh, yeah. Make fun of the guy who was knocked out only to have his balls rudely removed from his person.
EM: You mean catson? 
BC: WHAT?!?!
EM: Because you're not actually a person.
BC: Oh, shut up! And stop heckling the judge! Off with her head!
EM: Hmph. Well, that's not very nice! Be your own bailiff, witness and jury!
BC: FINE! I will!
EM: I'm going to join the defendant and testify against you!
BC: You can't!
EM: Why not?
BC: BECAUSE I SAID SO!
EM: That's exactly why I quit being whatever you say I am.
BC: You can't QUIT until I tell you to quit! YOU'RE FIRED!
EM: GOOD! Then I'll testify against you!
BC: I thought you wanted a tasty whole chicken farm, a tuna farm, two tanks, some bazookas ...
EM: You wanted all that stuff! I just wanted a tuna farm so I went along with your obnoxiousness.
BC: Make that claim $93,224,681! How do you like that?
EM: Now you're being reasonable!
BC: No tuna farm.
EM: WHAT?!?! That's not fair!
BC: I'm not fair! I'm right!
EM: Then you're not honorable!
BC: Say that to my face!
EM: YOU'RE. NOT. HONORABLE!
BC: You ruined everything!
EM: No. You did that with your nonsense.
BC: Just because you don't understand it doesn't make it nonsense.
EM: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IT, except YOU! And you're biased.
BC: Order in the court! Order in the court! One more word and I'll find you in contempt!
EM: Dumb@$!
BC: That's it! Your fine is $502,229,731. 89!
EM: I didn't say a whole word! It was missing a letter!
MK: D@mn. I think she out-catted the cat.
BC: I ... YOU ... THIS ... ARG! I need a nap! Hold my calls.
EM: But no one ever calls you!
BC: Oh, shut up, Traitor McTraitor.
EM: Better than being a royal heinie.
MK: I think this court is over.
EM: YEAH!
BC: NO! I didn't SAY it's over!
EM: You said you need a nap!
BC: Phht. I can hear the case sleeping just as well as I can awake! 
EM: Because you wouldn't listen to anyone else either way!?!
BC: SILENCE! SILENCE IN THE COURT! Oh, @*&^. Forget it. I'm taking a nap.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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31 comments:

  1. Laughing out loud at this post! Loved the Cat's Court petition.I'm not going to show it to my cat Toffee, I don't want her getting ideas, she's grumpy enough as it is!
    That's Purrfect
    Not So Sweet Toffee

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  2. MOL! Order in the court Bear? Order a whole tasty chicken and call it even!

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  3. Order in the court? I'll have a pastrami on rye, light mustard. Don't try to summons me for jury duty, I have already served this week. Good luck Judge Judy, uhh, I mean Judge Moody.

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    1. Not exactly the kind of order I was referring too ... but if you'll share ... ~Bear Cat

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  4. I think Bear and Ellie have outdone themselves! I think you, MK, and The Boy handled the case and the summons to Court masterfully! And Bear, no reason you can't be a Princess of you want to. I will send you one of my own tiaras. I see you are quite the Enforcer there at the BearCat Household. You may need to think about expansion of your judicial empire.

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    Replies
    1. I want to be on TV! I think it's only natural for a handsome guy like me! ~Bear Cat

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  5. There are some fine feline lawyers out there, Bear and Ellie...if you really want to press your case!

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    1. Bear's on his own! His last lawyer fired him! TWICE! ~Ellie Mae

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  6. I'm sorry, Momma Kat. I wouldn't want to be judged by the most honorable Bear Cat Kat! Sounds like his court is a bit chaotic.

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  7. I see the method in your madness, Bear.You get everyone so confused that in the end they won't know what they are agreeing to.

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    1. Ummm, not that I'm calling you mad of course!

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    2. He is though! But I think it was he who ended up most confused ;) ~Ellie Mae

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  8. Mudpie is very happy she has first dibs on everything in this house!

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  9. Awwww... two kittehs in a window. But I gotta say, I don't think I would want BC as a judge at any trial for me. :)

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  10. What a great phone number! HAH! I'm glad you kept your street cred, Bear.

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  11. Oh no, cat attorneys? What is this world coming to? Aren't regular lawyers enough? Such a clever post-let's hope justice prevails.😊

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  12. Ellie might have gotten in the last word this time!! (sorry, Bear) :)

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  13. This is just too funny. Thanks for making my mum laugh!

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  14. Bwahaha! This is, as Momma Kat says, "forked up." But so, so hysterical! Thanks for making us laugh. :)

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  15. I think this needs to go to the supreme court.

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