Friday, July 26, 2019

A-bear-cat-abra?

What happens when one has a show to put on and the audience is less than cooperative? You give them a show they'll NEVER forget (and hope they forgive you before your wet food treat time)!

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: Hear ye! Hear ye! Gather round! I have something special for you today.
EM: I'm not falling for that again. Fart somewhere else.
BC: NO! I have a show!
EM: I'm not falling for that one again either. Your "shows" always mean I get hurt!
BC: What's a guy gotta do to get an audience for his magic show?
EM: MAGIC? Oh! Cool! I'll watch!
BC: Welcome to Eight Ball's magic show!
EM: Wait. I thought you said it was YOUR magic show?!
BC: I AM Eight Ball!
EM: But you don't have any balls. Much less EIGHT. Truth in advertising and all. Maybe you could use "Ball-less."
BC: NO! You've heard of a magic eight ball?
EM: No.
BC: It's impossible to explain things to an idiot!
EM: Yeah! You should see when I try to get Daddy to ...
BC: I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU VILLAGE IDIOT!
EM: Well, that's not very nice. Especially since I'm the only member of our household that was willing to watch your stupid show.
BC: It's not a stupid show! Fine. You don't like Eight Ball. How about A-bear-cat-abra?
EM: I don't know French!
BC: It's not French! It's abracadabra with Bear Cat embedded in it.
EM: It's all Greek to me. Forget about me watching your stupid show, Ball-less.
BC: But ... but ... I need an audience!
MK: If you know magic, why not make an audience appear?
BC: THAT'S IT! Whoever isn't here gets top priority on my barf list.
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: What's going on out ... why's Bear dressed like that?
BC: Why aren't YOU dressed ... like a normal person?

MK: To answer both of your questions ... I figured it was better not to ask - either of you!
The Boy: I'm going to ...
MK: Bear said whoever isn't here gets top priority on his barf list.
The Boy: Great. I'd love to be dislodged from my spot at the top of the list.
BC: Abra-ca-dabra! I have completed my first trick!
EM: What?
MK: Nothing happened!
BC: I made an audience appear.
MK: By force.
BC: HEY! That counts.
EM: Oh! Cool!
MK: That's not cool! He didn't make anything appear, he just threatened ...
EM: Well, I thought it was cool. Bear's right. You pick on him.
MK: WHAT?!??!
EM: Stop being mean to Bear! He's a good musician!
BC: MAGICIAN!
MK: Though he is a musician too ...
The Boy: Who I'd recommend to people who are stuffed up and can't smell.
BC: Hey, now. Smellie's way better at butt-music than I am.
The Boy: Ellie's farts don't smell.
BC: If they don't smell, how do you know they're there?
{Crickets ...}
BC: For my next trick ...
The Boy: Err ... can you take off that get-up? It's kind of hard to take you seriously when you look like a ...
EM: YEAH! Take it off! Take it ALL off!

BC: SHHH! It's not that kind of show!
EM: Don't SHHH! me!
BC: If you SHHH!, I'll give you a private show later.
EM: COOL!
MK: That got out of hand quickly.
BC: {with his magician's clothing removed} For my next trick ...  I'm going to make Smellie disappear!
EM: Erm ...
MK: You better not.
BC: For my third trick, I'll ...
MK: That's only your second!
BC: Just wait. For my next trick, I'll pull tuna out of my hat!
EM: COOL!
MK: You don't have a hat.
BC: SILENCE! Or no tuna!
MK: Bear ...
EM: SHHHHHHHHHHH! I want my tuna! 
BC: How does a catillion pound tuna sound?
EM: YAY!!! This isn't so bad ...
BC: Now, to make it happen, Smellie, you need to go outside.
MK: Oh, no she's not.
EM: But ... tuna. I don't mind!
MK: Ellie ...
EM: I want to go outside!

MK: Fine. But only until the end of the tuna trick.
{The front door closes}
BC: TA-DA! My second trick is complete.
MK: I don't see any tuna.
The Boy: Or a hat.
BC: I made Smellie disappear!
MK: Bear, now she's going to be upset that you promised her tuna! You know how she gets!
BC: I'm not the one that has to deal with her.
MK: Fine. This ONE time, I'll open a can of tuna so we don't have to hear her meowing and howling for hours about her non-existent tuna. But that's the end of your magic show!
{Momma goes to the kitchen, opens a can of tuna and puts it on a plate}
MK: Let her in ...
The Boy: Maybe you don't realize ...
{Momma opens the front door}
EM: WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOA! It worked! There's tuna! Bear, you're my hero! Do it again! Do it again!
BC: Okay.
MK: NO WAY!
EM: But I want more tuna! Though that doesn't look like a catillion pounds ... not that I know how much a catillion is.
The Boy: This "magic show" is just a total rip off!
MK: YEAH! Your magic is getting us to do stuff to your ends!
BC: You have no appreciation for the arts.

MK: At least we didn't pay to see the show.
EM: Err ...
MK: Ellie, please tell me you didn't let Bear raid your piggy bank.
EM: I have a bank of pigs? I don't really like pig.
{Pause}
EM: But I like tuna! And Bear DID make some appear for me. Aren't you being a bit unfair to Bear?
BC: YEAH!
MK: Ellie, the tuna on your plate is from a can I opened.
BC: LIES! Momma is threatened by my magic! Don't believe her! I made tuna appear.
EM: Speaking of my tuna ... the plate is empty! My tuna that appeared disappeared again!
BC: Err ... TADA!
MK: Uh oh. I think I know what happened to the tuna.
EM: Let me see you make more tuna appear.
BC: Err ... give me a few minutes ...
EM: Any time, Bear!
BC: HWK! HWK! HARWK!
The Boy: That's really gross!
BC: TADA!
EM: Hmmm ... it smells the same. Good enough.
MK: Don't eat that!
BC: If one is what he eats, Smellie is barf.
MK: Bear! Your MAGIC show is over.
BC: But I didn't do my finale! I'm going to saw Smellie in half!
EM: That sounds painful.
BC: Just think of it as a diet.
MK: NO!
EM: I don't need a diet! You need a diet! And a brain! And magic!
BC: OH! I have a new idea! I'll make a bag of treats disappear!

MK: Yeah. Right before you barf them all up again.
EM: And on my scratcher!
BC: Tough crowd. You give an audience what they want and they get all mad.
MK: Sounds like you're behind the Eight Ball.
EM: I am not!
MK: NO! I was referring to Bear. Bear's magician name is Eight Ball ... and he's behind the Eight Ball because he's in a difficult sit ... {seeing Ellie's blank face} ... oh, never mind!
The Boy: Oh, I get it! Hahahahahahahahaha. BEHIND the Eight Ball.
BC: Too bad I couldn't make Momma's sense of humor appear.
The Boy: Some things are impossible.
MK: HEY! I'm funny!
BC: Yeah! Momma's funny!
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} ... looking.
MK: Fine. Bear, your wet treat just disappeared. And The Boy, the lunch I made for you tomorrow disappeared!
EM: WHOA! Momma's good at magic! Though she doesn't have Bear's stage presence and showmanship.
MK: Your wet food treat is gone too, Ellie.
EM: But ... but ... where'd it go? Should I look for it? Where was the last place you saw it?
BC: Dumb-@$$.
EM: Oh! I have an idea. You should make yourself disappear!
MK: Hahaha.
The Boy: That's a good one!
BC: Phht. I know when I'm not wanted!

The Boy: Then how is it that you haven't figured that out before?
MK: HEY! Bear, you're wanted. The Boy, be nice to him!
The Boy: After all that nonsense, why are you defending him? You encourage him.
BC: Encourage me! Encourage me!
MK: He doesn't need my encouragement. He can do that all by himself.
BC: YEAH!
The Boy: Fine. YOU deal with him.
BC: Just watch. My finale is now making The Boy disappear: An Eight-Ball specialty.
EM: But I don't want my Daddy to disappear!
BC: Then it would just be us and her.
EM: No distractions?
BC: Nope.
EM: Can I help?
The Boy: HEY!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

Featured posts:
This isn't the first show Bear's graced our household with ...

43 comments:

  1. Bear, that has to be one of the best shows yet. Maybe your mom could take your show on the road? She as your manager, Ellie could be a groupie, and the boy maybe roadie. Just think how much you could make giving a one cat laydown comedy act cum music cum magic show!
    Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma is vaguely confused ... roadie or groupie? Did I mention she doesn't have a life and so she knows nothing about how that works? ~Bear Cat

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    2. Momma clearly wasn't brought up in the 80's. :)

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    3. No, her parents were a bit strict and she never had the chance to go anywhere near that life!

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  2. Bear you KILL me!! PS: tell Mama I never received any product from Portrait Flip, nor was I offered any, hence the reason I charged a fee for their guest post that I didn't write.

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  3. Pretty amazing show. Hmmm....how can WE get some tuna????

    The Florida Furkids

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    Replies
    1. Err ... I'm not sure I'm up to magic at a distance ... but maybe you three can look cute like always and your Mom will give in? ~Bear Cat

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  4. I think I'm gonna have to purrfect my skills with the tuna appearance thing, it doesn't seem to work for me!

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  5. Bear, you are just too cute. We know you put on a fantastic show for everyone. Just don't make a bag of treats disappear around here. They love their treats. Thanks for the share. Have a wonderful upcoming weekend.
    World of Animals

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    Replies
    1. I know I'm cute. But I'm also ferocious and virile and handsome. Just saying. ~Bear Cat

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  6. I wonder if The Boy reads your blog posts, Bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, yes I do. Sigh. One day, I'm going to tire of being the butt of jokes and the target of fangs and claws.

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    2. He's just bitter. It was fun to make fun of my Momma, but it's WAY funner to make fun of The Boy (especially because I don't lose my wet food treat for being mean to Momma)! ~Bear Cat

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  7. We could loan you our Magic Eight Ball for Bear's next performance. You could ask it what Bear did to make the Boy disappear...
    xxoo
    Rufus the Red and Mickey Mouser

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  8. As gross as it sounds, we have to watch Eddie (our dog) and Sophie if someone regurgitates something fresh. Eww!

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  9. I think you put on a pretty good show, Bear.

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  10. Bear, Mudpie would drink the tuna juice and let you have the tuna. How romantic would that be?

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  11. Wish we were there, BC. We would be a great audience and applaud at the right times.

    Shoko

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  12. Bear...you'll fit in nicely with corporate America. In fact, I think you'd probably steal/earn a whole chicken farm in no time.

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    Replies
    1. How do I sign up for corporate America? ~Bear Cat

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    2. This was just about what mom and I had to say. That you, Bear, would make a great Corporate purrson and if you get the opportunity, you WILL succeed. I know Ellie Mae will accept when you offer her the executive secretary job. I see you as Business Cat. You'll be so handsome and commanding, I predict that you will rise to the top off the ladder and claw anyone below.

      Delete
    3. Shouldn't my secretary be a hot tortie? I mean, asking for a friend that thinks having an affair with a hot secretary sounds cool ... ~Bear Cat

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  13. Someone clearly has the upper-hand, or maybe - paw here! We're just not sure who...not the Boy, not Ellie Mae, but definitely a toss-up between Momma and Bear! :)

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    Replies
    1. You should see when they get into it! WATCH OUT! ~Ellie Mae

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  14. Wait, let's get back to that tuna appearing trick. That's awesome, Bear! We gotta work on that one here. We think.

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  15. MOL, you're so cute, Bear ! That sounds like a good show ! Purrs

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  16. Who said TUNA?? What we read was ".... some words.... more words....TUNA ... words.... TUNA!" Or maybe that's just us.

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  17. You look so handsome in that suit, Bear! Can you make some tuna appear for us?

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  18. I think you put on a great show Bear :)

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  19. You go awnty Kat. You too Bear and Ellie. The boy, you be walkin' on thin ice. This ice me tells ya'. You better be nice to Bear or else. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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