Tuesday, July 2, 2019

The mess

The Boy comes home from his trip to a ... less than eager reception. Momma has some big news and we find out why Momma was a bit negligent with our blog last week. And this house seems a bit small for the four of us (and Jasmyn, the six-legged spider, and her babies).

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

MK: {walking in the front door} Hi, Bear!
BC: I'm so glad you're home! You wouldn't believe what Smellie did this time! She should be in BIG trouble!
{Pause}
BC: Oh, Momma! You brought another boy home after we finally got rid of the other loser?
The Boy: Hi. BuddyBear.
BC: How does he ... it's the same loser! He's back!
The Boy: It's nice to see you too, Bear.
EM: But Bear said ... he's not happy to see you ...
BC: There goes the neighborhood.
MK: BEAR!
BC: This is going to destroy my street cred. I was the bad boy around here when everyone thought I'd driven The Boy away. 

MK: Bear, you're too adorable when you lay like that for anyone to believe you're a bad boy.
EM: Except for those of us who know him!
BC: The Boy's back? I'll be the laughing stock among my friends!
EM: You have friends?
BC: YEAH!
EM: Why is it that you never mention them or invite them over?
BC: Because they live here!
The Boy: WHAT?!?! I'm your friend?
EM: Me too?!?
BC: No. I was talking about the big spider in the closet.
MK: WHAT?!? MY closet? There's a big spider in there?
BC: Jasmyn.
MK: You're on a first name basis?
BC: You remove a few legs ... hard not to be.
MK: If I find another three-legged spider ...
BC: So four-legged would be okay?
MK: How many legs does she have?
BC: SIX! But I'm still working on it. Just wanted to find out where the limit is.
EM: Friends don't rip out each others' legs!
BC: The friend part is a little liberally defined.
EM: She runs from you?
BC: Doesn't everyone when they sense my raw masculinity?
EM: So you weren't talking about Daddy or me when you talked about your friends?

BC: I talk about you all the time! Well, at least behind your back.
EM: That's not very nice!
BC: My friends say ...
EM: The spider?
BC: And the rest of them!
EM: Phht. Your toys?
BC: Hey! I have plenty of friends!
EM: Who?
BC: Momma!
EM: And?
BC: The spider!
EM: And?
BC: My catnip tasty whole chicken. My chicken shark ...
EM: It's MY chicken shark.
BC: Well, she likes me better.
EM: Awwww!
{Pause}
EM: You like the silent type.
BC: Phht. You should hear them talk up a storm. 
EM: Toys?
BC: Everyone talks too much! I can't get a word in edgewise!
EM: Because you keep interrupting yourself?
The Boy: {bending over to pick her up} At least Ellie's glad that I'm home!
EM: There's another Ellie here?

BC: D@mn!
EM: Err ... bye!
The Boy: Baby girl! I'm not going to hurt you!
EM: Then you shouldn't have left me with THEM. I've been lapless since ... since ...
BC: Momma left to pick up The Boy half an hour ago.
EM: Momma can pick up Daddy?!? WHOA!
BC: Sheesh. Natural selection and the survival of the fittest is a bit behind in our house.
EM: Yeah. With YOUR big butt ...
BC: Please talk about yourself that way.
EM: What?
BC: Smellie "Big Butt" Mae.
EM: Hmmm ... that has a nice ring to it!
MK: Ellie!
BC: I'll cut a deal, You can keep The Boy if Smellie goes.
EM: HEY!
The Boy: REALLY?
EM: HEY!
BC: Sure.
The Boy: Okay.
EM: WHAT?!?! You're not even a Not-the-Momma anymore! I don't even know you anymore!
The Boy: When the baseline is running away from me all the time ...
BC: But surely you recognize that smell!
EM: Daddy always smells like ...
The Boy: HEY! I just got home from a trip. Can't you two at least pretend you're glad I'm home?
{Silence}
EM: Well, I usually do pretend I'm glad you're here.
The Boy: WHAT?!
BC: Momma peed all over the floor of the closet.

The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Momma! That goofy looking weirdo behind you!
The Boy: Hahaha. He's right!
MK: I guess I'm not happy you're home anymore.
BC: Kick him out, Momma!
EM: Kick Bear out!
The Boy: So if I get rid of Ellie, I can stay?
EM: How rude! After all I've done for you!
The Boy: Ignoring me? Choosing your Momma all the time?
EM: I don't choose her ALL the time ... I just strongly prefer ...
MK: ENOUGH! No one's going anywhere.
EM, BC, The Boy: {at the same time} Awwww!
EM: Hmph. Trading on me for your own means!
The Boy: I wouldn't have really done ...
EM: I'm not stupid!
The Boy: You fall for Bear's nonsense all the time!
BC: Ummm ... pee? Closet floor?
The Boy: I told her not to do that again.
MK: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Remember when the hallway flooded? I guess it found it's way into the walk-in closet and anything on the floor is completely ruined.
The Boy: But that was six months ago!
MK: Exactly. The boxes of paper and clothes on the floor absorbed all the water so it didn't get the far carpet wet where we step.
BC: I still think it smells like pee. If Momma didn't do it, Smellie did!

EM: I did not ...
BC: Isn't it bad enough that you PHUNK up our litter box?
EM: Where am I supposed to go?
BC: Err ... OUTSIDE!
EM: Awww.
MK: I moved the boxes and their contents - and the clothes - out of the area. It was really moldy and gross. Oh, and I found a ton of baby spiders.
BC: HUH?!
MK: I tried to wash the clothes - but the fabric was too weak on most of them.
The Boy: Why didn't you tell me while I was gone?
MK: I didn't want to spoil your trip. I'm really bummed that we lost so much stuff.
BC: Ummm ... the baby spiders? Were they in the far back right corner of the closet?
MK: Yeah.
BC: JASMYN!!!!
MK: I thought Jasmyn was a big spider.
BC: She is! But she her babies just hatched!
EM: OH, NO! Are you the father? Spidey support must be steep with all those mouths to feed.
BC: What's wrong with you?
MK: You knew about all this and didn't say anything? The water, the spider's nest ...
BC: I'm a cat! I know everything that happens around here. Like I know you went back to the park while The Boy was gone.
The Boy: WHAT?!?! Without me?!
MK: How did you know that?
BC: The pictures were on your camer ...



MK: YOU TOUCHED MY CAMERA AGAIN?
BC: Err ... oops?
EM: There better not be more pictures of my butt on there!
MK: Is that how the pictures of you sleeping with your tongue out disappeared?!?! And the ones of you in The Boy's lap?
BC: THAT NEVER HAPPENED!
MK: Yeah. Because I don't have proof. Because some cat erased them.
EM: What cat would do that?
BC: ME! You twit!
MK: Oh?
BC: RATS!
The Boy: No wonder you didn't have two posts last week.
MK: I only visited around the blogosphere once too. The whole mess was a pain. The boxes couldn't even hold the contents anymore.
BC: WHAT?! You neglected my blog?
EM: I thought you knew everything.
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! You try having a claw in every pot.
EM: You definitely manage to have a claw in every arm.
BC: You mean a claw and two fangs in every arm?
The Boy: Sounds about right.
MK: My biter boy.
EM: Daddy?
The Boy: Huh?
EM: Momma just called you her biter boy.
BC: She was talking about me, you addled-brained twit! No wait. To be addled-brained, you need a brain in the first place.
EM: Huh?
BC: I bet that's what the duck was thinking.
The Boy: Duck?
BC: Momma has a picture I'm pretty sure she took after quacking at the ducks. The duck's head is bent to the side in confusion just like I do when Momma tries to speak meow.

The Boy: You quacked at the ducks?
MK: Err ... no. Maybe?
{Pause}
MK: I was stressed out with all the mess! I just wanted a few minutes not having to worry about it!
BC: SEE?! This is the kind of stuff she does when you're not here!
The Boy: You cheated on me with a duck?
MK: NO! I did not f*ck that d*ck.
BC: You should've heard Momma cursing when she found the water damage. I got a few new words for my bad word journal.
MK: I'm glad you're home.
The Boy: Me too.
BC: Oh, get a room! Those bad words could come in handy yet.
The Boy: I'm not leaving again for awhile.
EM: WAIT?! You were gone?!
BC: Can't get one by her.


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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36 comments:

  1. Yeah, I get home from a trip and nobody is glad to see me. I'm starting to think I'm unwanted. I know, Bear never wanted me in the first place.

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    Replies
    1. The spiders might be glad to see you. :)

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    2. I want you, Daddy! I just don't want you to touch me! ~Ellie Mae

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  2. Now Bear, we know you secretly enjoyed the homecoming!

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    Replies
    1. He did crawl onto my legs in bed the next morning. But he would never admit it.

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  3. EEEK on the spiders!

    The Florida Furkids

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    Replies
    1. No kidding! I felt things crawling on me for days afterwards!

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  4. Spiders! You should be charging them rent. Momma Kat quacking at the ducks. What the duck is that about? ;)

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... that's a valid point! The pests should pay rent!

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  5. I try to be kind to spiders, but I really don't like them at all.

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    Replies
    1. I REALLY hate mosquitoes, so I've always had a fragile peace with spiders. If they left me alone, I left them alone. Then a friend of mine was bit by a brown recluse and for the life of me, I can't tell the difference. If it's between my cats and a spider ... well, you get the idea.

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  6. GUYZ....sorree bout de waterz izzue....pee ore knot we noe itz knot fun....N sorree that therz
    a ta ran choola in de houz....and sorree yur mom hada face ta face with a rood azz bass terd....got
    sum kinda mouth on ewe ther quacker ~~~~~~

    ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. If it's an animal, my Momma will try to make friends with it! Sheesh! ~Bear Cat

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  7. I'm standing on my chair even the word spider gives my skin the crawlies. I don't like bugs.
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. Understandable! After seeing the baby spiders, I felt like I had bugs crawling on me. No thank you!

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  8. Ugh. There’s nothing worse than finding a mess about 6 months after it happens. And spiders too?? Yikes!!!

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    Replies
    1. And other critters that Momma can't identify for the life of her.

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  9. I have to sympathize with the Momma Kat...cleaning up a flooded area is no picnic in the nip patch, Bear. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon. That exact thing happened to me a few years ago (maybe our spiders share some DNA)-I switched to plastic containers and have never looked back. 🕷

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    Replies
    1. That's a fantastic idea! I actually have some too! I can't believe I didn't consider that already!

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  10. Bear, maybe you can recruit all those baby spiders when you put together another protest campaign or when you run for office. Think of all the votes that would be? Tee hee hee. Luvs.

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  11. I'm sorry...water damage is the worst. Actually, spiders are worse still. If I was The Boy I would back right out the door! LOL

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  12. Floods, tears, spiders and rears. Poetry prose and a life of woes. Life at home for you guys is never dull.
    Mrs H was asking if you have called in the disaster relief team yet? What disaster though she didn't specify, so you may each wish to fill that one in yourselves ;) MOL
    Purrs
    ERin

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  13. Mom said she may have to wait until she sees what you have done Bear, or what you've said before she eats her breakfast in front of your blog again. She got to snorting and laughing and about horked up her eggs. And I am witness that she ain't kidding around. Sheesh. Ellie, we really DO need to talk about strategy. Oh, and I meant that in a good way. I'll be over this evening...point your tunnel toward the East if you will...the coordinates are a bit faint. Hope it don't get caught in the pee flood.

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    Replies
    1. You should see Momma proof-reading our blog. She's learned to never, NEVER take a drink while proof-reading. And she often has fits of giggles that The Boy doesn't get! Tunnel in position ...

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  14. To the boy: That not being happy to see you when you get home? That's why people get dogs. Just sayin'. Tell Bear...maybe he'll change his attitude! LOL

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    Replies
    1. Don't get him started! Bear OR The Boy! The Boy accosts dogs when we go to the park. He has a set of lines for the people and everything. My landlord says no dogs though. And I'm pretty sure Bear appreciates that.

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  15. Yikes. Water damage and spiders? We might just do a 180, and go on another trip.

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  16. Congrats on the baby spiders! I love spiders :)

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  17. Bear, my cats pull legs off of crickets, not spiders. I don’t think that’s very nice. Then they circle round to watch their work. Poor crickets. Poor spiders.

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    Replies
    1. WOW! I've never gotten close enough to a cricket to get hold of one of it's legs! Your cats must be super ninjas! ~Bear Cat

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