Tuesday, September 10, 2019

You catch more fleas with honey ...

Ellie interrupts Bear and Momma's snuggle time and Bear's ready to teach her a lesson she'll never forget. The conversation is all over the place, including spam folders, Bear's outside exploits, fleas, orgies, vegetables and names. Momma's not sure she can keep up.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma's sound asleep}
EM: {from the other room} Meeeeeowww.
{Pause}
EM: Meeeeooww. Meow.
BC: {in bed with Momma} Keep it down out there! Momma and I are snuggling! And Momma's sleeping!
MK: Not anymore.
BC: Oops.
{Pause}
BC: Now look what you did! You woke Momma up!
MK: Which you have no problem doing yourself.
EM: Meow.
BC: That's different! Your MY Momma!
EM: Meow.
MK: Your people haven't left you, Ellie! Come see for yourself!
BC: You just HAD to invite her HERE to OUR private time, didn't you? Now I'll have to chase her off the bed.
EM: {from the other room} Meow meow meow!
BC: Oh, shut up!

MK: Something's wrong.
BC: WHAT?!?! Don't tell me you wish The Boy was here.
MK: Of course I wish he was here!
BC: There's no accounting for taste.
MK: Says the cat that always bites him. When I said something's wrong, I wasn't talking about The Boy not being here.
BC: Phht. Where do I even start with what's wrong with Smellie Neigh? Everything's wrong! The better question is what's right about that sorry excuse for a cat? 
EM: Meow.
MK: She's meowing so sweetly. Maybe she got hurt. You know she falls off the cat tree every so often. I better check on her.
BC: And I'M punished because I'm not a clumsy oaf! I didn't know it was so easy to get your attention! Act hurt!
MK: Oh? You didn't know to act hurt?
BC: Oh, shut up. I don't do it THAT often.
MK: Overly dramatic barfage?
BC: Err ... yeah. But she just meows "sweetly" and you go running? What kind of @&^% up $#!+ is that?
MK: I'll be right back.
BC: But I was comfortable! Oh, this is just GREAT! Smellie calls and Momma runs. What about me? Stupid sister.

MK: {walking into the room Ellie is meowing from} Ellie, are you okay?
EM: Mee - meow meow.
BC: Oh, that's it! I'm going to make her cry for real.
{Pause}
BC: {walking into the room with Momma and Ellie} It's so unfair that Smellie can meow sweetly and Momma goes running. I have to sound like I'm dying! And I saved Momma from her life before me!
EM: You catch more fleas with honey than with vinegar.
BC: Why would anyone want fleas?
{Pause}
BC: Well, besides you. You'd probably try to befriend them.
EM: Do fleas have fur? Can they braid hair?
BC: Smellie and her BFFs ... fleas and buttworms.
EM: How many times do I have to tell you that the buttworms are really sensitive and get their feelings hurt when you call them buttworms.
BC: You just called them buttworms twice.
EM: Err ... {looking around} SHHHH! Keep it down!
BC: And who cares about your buttworms' feelings?!?! If they don't like it, they can go find another host.
EM: But ... but ... they're my FRIENDS!
MK: Now, Ellie ... we talked about this. The buttworms aren't your friends. They hurt you.
EM: You mean like Bear? Bear hurts me all the time! Can we get rid of Bear?
BC: Then again, I guess you're friends with whoever will be your friend. Buttworms, fleas, maggots ...

EM: I've never met a maggot. Are they nice?
BC: I'm sure you can also get more maggots with honey than with vinegar.
EM: You catch more fleas with honey than with vinegar. It's a saying!
MK: FLIES, Ellie! FLIES!!!
EM: {ducking} Oh, no! Are the flies going to eat me? Where are they?
MK: No. The saying is ... oh, never mind. It doesn't matter.
BC: Who said anything about flies? They taste nasty! Phht. You can have all the flies. I don't want them.
MK: No, I think she means hypothetically.
BC: Hypothetical flies? What's next? Hypocrite walruses? A flea orgy?
EM: What's an orgy?
BC: I don't know. Momma talks about them all the time.
MK: I DO NOT!
BC: Oh, yeah. The e-mails I get in my spam folder talk about them all the time.
MK: WHAT?!
EM: Mmm ... spam! Not as good as tuna ... I've never heard of a folder made out of spam though.
MK: But you're grounded from the internet.
BC: Err ... Smellie told me!
EM: You best believe that if I came across a spam folder, I'd eat it - whether it's online or not.
BC: SEE! It's all HER fault!

MK: {sigh} So you're okay?
BC: NO!
EM: YES!
{Pause}
EM: Wait ... Bear, are you mad at me?
BC: Yes.
EM: Can I change my answer to not okay? Because if that can of whoop-my-sister's-butt comes out ...
BC: You do realize Momma and I were cuddling, right?
EM: Phht. You two are ALWAYS cuddling.
BC: Are you jealous?
EM: Err ... yes?
MK: Want to cuddle?
BC: HEY!
EM: No.
{Pause}
BC: GOOD! We didn't want to cuddle with you any ...
MK: Want to sit on my lap?
BC: WHAT?!?! Just wait a minute, woman. I was cuddling with you first! And Smellie doesn't appreciate cuddling!
EM: Well ... I like laps and being petted.
BC: {imitating her} I like laps and being petted. 

{Pause}
BC: PHHT! Lame! A real cat knows how to love his human.
MK: Oh, really? Because your way of loving me is to escape past me outside and then hide in the rosebush so I can't bring you back in? Or the other night when you hid around the corner? And who can forget last night when you came back in and then promptly turned around and ran back out? OH! And that bad-@$$ hiss you gave me as I herded you back inside?
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about.
MK: Good! Then I don't have to worry about letting you outside anymore.
BC: Phht. You don't LET me outside! I outwit you!
MK: More like you under-size me. 
BC: Look out! Momma's BUTT coming through!!! Hahaha.
MK: At least I've learned to check the garden before I toss the stuff in there to compost. I imagine you'd be incredibly tee'd off if I tossed the bucket and you ended up covered in water, carrot peels, and lettuce.
BC: Phht. VEGETABLES.
MK: You eat grass all the time!
BC: That's different.
MK: How?
BC: It is.
{Pause}
BC: STOP LOOKING ME AT ME LIKE THAT!!! What's your problem? I'm going to cuddle with myself and you're not invited!

MK: Ooookay.
{Momma goes back to bed and then gets up to find Bear laying on floor ...}
EM: Err ... Momma? Is Bear ...
MK: NO! Don't poke the sleeping bear.
EM: So he isn't ... {SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF} ...
BC: If you want to keep that nose I suggest you stick it somewhere away from my business.
EM: It's not fair! Bear has no embarrassing nicknames like Smellie or Yellie or Bellie. And he's cool! He gets all kinds of references to bears ... like don't poke the sleeping bear and don't feed the bear. I want to have a cool name!
BC: You have to be a cool cat to have a cool name.
EM: Aww. How do I be a cool cat?
BC: Phht. You're hopeless. 
MK: BEAR!
BC: Though, you might choose to be in a different room than me all the time.
EM: But I already do that ... because you said ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: And you could stop getting me in trouble.
MK: Only you have the power to do that, Bear. 
BC: You're right. Smackdown time!
EM: Err ... that's not very nice.
MK: NO! STOP DOING STUFF THAT GETS YOU IN TROUBLE!!!!
BC: What fun is that?
EM: What fun is getting in trouble?
BC: Bless your heart.

EM: The worst nickname he has is Pear Bear. I get called Smellie and Yellie and Belly ... and  Bear can be a care bear!
BC: Lies! I oughta ...
EM: But only with Momma. {SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF} ...
BC: HEY! Keep your nose to yourself!
EM: You smell like outside.
BC: Do you want a crash course in outside 101?
MK: Bear, NO. Just no.
EM: I still should have a cool name!
BC: Phht. Bear's taken.
MK: Here's something you don't know ... we call him Bear for short, but ...
BC: Don't you DARE!
MK: ... his full name is Pooh Bear.
BC: I'm never going to live this down.
EM: Because of his stinky poops?
BC: Hey, now!
MK: No, because he's sweet like Winnie The Pooh.
EM: OH! I bet Winnie The Pooh and I could be best friends!
BC: Oh, for the ...
MK: How about we call you Princess Panther Pretty Pants?
BC: Thank you!
EM: NO! I'M Princess Panther Pretty Pants!
BC: You are not! Momma! Tell Smellie she's not a princess and she doesn't have pants!
EM: Oh, no! I don't have pants? Where are my pants?
BC: You outgrew them. You can't fit a moose in a hamster's pants.
MK: Ellie, you're a lady. That's why you don't have pants. 
EM: Oh. So what do I have?
BC: A brain of ...
MK: BEAR! Not helping!
EM: HA! SEE?! I am a princess! That's why I don't have pants.

MK: Oh, no.
BC: Phht. YOU?! A princess? I have more princess in my little claw than you have in your entire body!
EM: You're not a girl!
BC: Neither are you!
EM: Oh, that's it. Bring it, Hissy Pi$$y Pussy Pants.
BC: I'm virile and masculine enough to be secure in my manhood. I have no embarrassment at being a princess.
EM: I'm going to turn you inside out and then rearrange your face!
BC: Err ... Momma? MOMMA?! Smellie's glaring at me!
EM: That's right! Who's the wussy princess now?
BC: ME! 
{Ellie chuckles}
BC: Err ... without the wussy part.
EM: I didn't hear you ... POOH BEAR. What did you say?
BC: What I said is the LEAST of your problems, Pee Pee squared. Get it? Princess Panther Pretty Pants? Pee Pee squared?
MK: No way are you calling your sister ...
EM: I love it! Now I have a cool name. Thank you, Bear!
BC: Phht. Don't let it fool you. You'll never be cool like me.
EM: "Cool." Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
BC: Nope. Momma she's just fine.


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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28 comments:

  1. Maybe it was all just a dream Bear...or a nightmare!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bear....OMCs you have a fantastic story about how your feline mind works up such fine nighttime events.

    I just saw Mom's last post and wanted to commend her for her bravery and facing her fears and overcoming what is often a hard disorder. I know it is a daily process now but huge hugs on your determination
    Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pear Bear seems apt! And you are a princess, Ellie! So cute!

    ReplyDelete
  4. guyz....trust uz when we say we noe R wermz, N buttwermz iz de wesrt oh de lot; troo lee honest ta cod
    noe joke....knot ta menshun ya canna even take em fishin !! ;) ♥♥

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ellie, I think you need to get out more and get new friends. Ones that don't live inside you or on you. Just a suggestion!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bear should be my friend! ~Ellie Mae
      Over my dead body. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. AMARULA: I really think EM and Frodo have to meet (maybe we can at least trade them for awhile for a break) cause Frodo would love to attract fleas too-!! He's always licking the honey jar!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha. Maybe we can send them off to elope in a land of hugs and honey? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Pear Bear! MOL! That’s the best one yet!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Pooh bear? POOH BEAR????? Bwahahaha Princess Pooh Bear! Oh, did I really say that out loud? You didn't hear that did you.....um did you, Bear?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to kill my Momma ... and it's going to be VERY painful! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Who knew cuddling was sooooo complicated with your two?!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You two sure give your Momma a run for her money.

    ReplyDelete
  11. We're not even sure who won that round, but it was sure a good contest!!
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ellie, you are a beautiful princess. Please stay away from the fleas and all that stuff though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just like being nice and hospitable. ~Ellie Mae
      Now you know why I call her Smellie. ~Bear Cat

      Delete