Words to live by ... from a cat

Cats are unique and glorious creatures - yet they have quirks that make even the most understanding of humans scratch their heads. A cat is the only pet that will destroy your couch and then blame you for its demise. Cats are easy to love but these aberrations can be hard to understand. It is with that appreciation, admiration, and love that I share Bear's words to live by.

* It doesn't matter how much I love the wet food variety you fed me 1,983,044 times ... but if you stock up in confidence, I won't eat that variety anymore.


* "Toy" is in the eye of the beholder. If I can bat it, I'll scat it.

* If my favorite toy is under the couch, I demand that Momma rescue it for me. Yes, I know the second one is almost indistinguishable from the first ... but I CAN TELL. Don't try to fool me because you're too lazy to dig my favorite mousie out from under the furniture.

* Laughing is not an appropriate response to me hissing at or biting you. I'm ferocious and you insult my savagery by just laughing. "Look at the cute kitty," is equally insulting.


* Don't come to me. I'll come to you.


* Food. Food. And more food.

* No matter how adorable I am, don't touch me after I bathe! You contaminate my fur that I finally got JUST the way I like it!




* "Because I said so" is not a defensible position unless I say it. Ditto for, "It's for your own good!"

* Food is in the eye of the beholder.

* I'm invisible when I want to be. Even if you THINK you see me ... you don't until I tell you you do.


* I'm totally flexible as long as everything's my way.

* I don't have an anger management problem - I have personality.


* When I'm in your lap, you can get up when I say so.



* I see you staring wistfully and with admiration at the expensive beds, toys, and accessories you buy me. You frequently tell me how wonderful they are. I'd be selfish to use them when they clearly mean so much to you.

* Humans = inferior. OBVIOUSLY.

* As much as I enjoy letting it all hang out without worrying about getting caught - I miss you when you're not here.

* If I had thumbs, I'd rule the world.


* Human = necessary evil.

* I don't know what you do in the room with a huge tub. That chair doesn't look very comfortable and the business must be very serious or you'd let me jump in your lap.

* SHARE? I think not. Sharing is for sissies not able to kick some behind to get what they want. You can have whatever I don't want ... until I want it again (probably shortly after you begin to enjoy it).


* If it involves water, I won't like it. No baths or petting me with wet hands. I choose when I accept getting wet. Like when I escape outside in the pouring rain and dare you to come get me. Or I want to play in my water bowl.


* That look of horror on your face when I misbehave is payment enough every time. Notably, your look when I roll in the mud is the ultimate example of this reaction.

* Telling me to stop misbehaving is useless. I do what I want and I'll suck up all the attention and enjoy performing for you - until you ignore me.

* I love to practice my math skills ... ONE treat ... TWO treats ... THREE treats ... OOPS! I lost count. Let's try that again!

* Does the person who let the dogs out live around here?

* Do the humans intentionally act stupid or are they stupid for real?

* If humans are just over-sized cats, they are the ugliest cats I've ever seen.


* When a person offers you a forever home - make sure to demand they fill out YOUR adoption application ... and get the details and promises in writing!!! Unless you ENJOY being screwed.





* Why don't the humans go to the doctor as often as they make us go to the vet?

* If the vet's office is hell ... why isn't it that warm there?

* You are here at my discretion, not the other way around.

* I REALLY want you to rub my belly ... no I don't ... yeah, I kind of do ... never mind ... I'll kill you if you touch my belly ... why did you stop?

* If I can't see you, you can't see me.





* Play time is over when I say so.

* It's only fair that you get as much exercise as I do when we "play." I'll exercise my eyes watching you run all over like a nut ... and you can be the nut.

* I've billed you for all the times you woke me up because I was adorable, all the petting sessions, and all the times you took my picture. Hand over the deed to my condo calmly.

* Whether I cover my business in the litter box might seem like random whims ... but there's a careful decision process as to whether I cover or not.


* I've killed every toy I own at least 100 times. Just so you know what I'm capable of.

* If my bowl is anymore than 3.97521% empty ... I consider my bowl to be empty and starvation-prevention procedures will occur.


* Don't come to me ... I'll come to you. When you're sleeping ... or working ... or going to the bathroom.

* When I'm in the litter box, you are to ignore me. When you're using your messy water litter box, I don't sit there and stare at you [for very long].

* When I sleep during the day please respect that I need my beauty sleep since I was up all night bugging you.


* My adorableness is not a defense when I get annoyed because you disturbed my nap. AGAIN. I'm adorable 24/7/365. Get used to it.



* Most of the time, I can't decide between wanting to kill you and wanting to snuggle.

* Ad hoc nicknames aren't permitted and aren't cute. You named me, you're stuck with it.

* If I'm hiding, there's a good reason.


* I didn't do it. ANY TIME. EVER.

* The counter, kitchen table and your desk are my domain. You get what you ask for when you leave anything breakable or edible out.








* My secret stashes of collectibles are so secret, I don't even know where they are. So don't ask. If you left your toothbrush where I can reach it ... it's on you.

* Visitors are the perfect opportunity to enhance my secret stashes.

* SHINY = MINE. On second thought ... NOT SHINY still equals MINE.

* When I had to share a home with Kitty, you told me I only get one sister. Liar.


* Don't touch unless invited to touch.

* When I'm in my window, or on the cat tree ... actually, ANY TIME ... I want to be left alone UNLESS I make a move toward you.



* You will stop whatever you're doing and admire me when I so desire. You may touch me only if invited to. Otherwise, it's hands off.


* I reserve the right to go outside. And the right to be let back in IMMEDIATELY if necessary. And then go back out again IMMEDIATELY. The human must recognize the urgency and emergency of being on the wrong side of the door.


* Finder's keepers. If I find a bug - it's mine. I don't hunt them down just for you to swoop in and rescue them. And don't think that means you get to confiscate my mousie when you find it in the toilet.


* If my claws were meant to not be sharp, they'd be that way naturally. Maybe if you stopped ticking me off, I could keep my claws to myself.

* Don't mess with me and then act all wounded that I bit you. If I'm not in the mood, you aren't going to change my mind, no matter how transcendental your ear rubs are.


* When it comes to treats ... 1 + 1 ≠ 2. It comes to TOO LITTLE.

* I see all the bags of treats you have in the pantry. I suspect you are either eating them yourself or feeding the cats within a hundred mile radius.

* I love to stalk ... it's not personal. I'm just a savage and ferocious hunter. Ditto with swiping, batting, and biting.


* I don't play in my litter box [much].

* Humans are a work in progress. Maybe "work" is a bit of a misnomer ... mess in progress is a better phrase ... with the progress meaning less of a mess.

* Treats are a food group.

* You might be able to kill toys, paper bags, facial tissue boxes, etc ... but you can't kill your sister without really upsetting your people.

* When I come to you for attention ... it's an emergency! I can't wait until you "just finish this."


* Just because you snore doesn't mean I'll leave you alone. No one could possibly make that much racket naturally and not on purpose.

* Doughnut butt. Giving me some of your food is good for you [to keep your ogre-ish figure]. You're welcome. Enough said.


* If you want to talk about your feelings ... please leave me out of it.

* If cats were meant to wear clothes or walk on a leash, we'd be born with them.


* A cat's neighborhood rep is a big deal - don't embarrass me ... you ... me ... you ...

* I hate the tooth brush and the claw clippers. HATE is not strong enough of a word. Let me show you where to stick them.

* I have preferences and whims just like you. Don't overanalyze and try to psycho-babble me. I'm a cat. What's YOUR excuse?

* Kibble isn't really food - until it's taken away and I refuse to eat anything else.

* If it says, "seafood feast," forget it. I like crab and salmon and tuna and tuna and more tuna ... I even like shrimp. But "seafood feast" tastes like ... err ... nothing good.

* Closed doors are not allowed. I know you keep the tasty whole chickens around here somewhere.


* I can sit and stare at you for hours, but you are not allowed to stare at me.


* If I turn my back to you, I want to be left alone.



* The life of a blogging cat almost makes up for the human factor. Food, accessories, toys ... we get to try it all! Plus, we get a built in audience for our beefs against our humans!

* I require payment IN ADVANCE for any services rendered. Petting, posing for pictures, etc ... I don't work for free.

* As soon as I hear, "I," all I hear is BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.


* No one else likes to listen to you ramble - why would I?

* What's mine is mine. What's yours is mine.


* Having a sister is like having a kid constantly pulling your shirt asking inane questions and getting all up in your grill ... and calling that "bonding." The only bonding I want to do with my sister is over her dead body.




* Sisters are NOT forever. HOPEFULLY. I'm still working on it.



* There is no such thing as too much catnip ... too much food ... or too many toys. But any sister count more than zero is way too many sisters.

* I don't HAVE to accept anything.

* The carrier, the vacuum, and your camera are at the very top of my kill list.

* If I find a way to break it, you buy it.

* Sometimes I can't help but ponder the big questions and the meaning of my lives. Examples ... if I owned a chicken farm, how many free samples would I get? Are torties really their own dynamic hottie species? Do tasty whole chickens leap over the moon and bring back cheese?! And what came first ... the chicken or the tuna?


* Pants are mandatory. There's not enough bleach in the world to wash away the memory of you without clothes.

* "Singing" and "dancing" is forbidden. When you sing you sound like a constipated dying cricket and when you dance, you look like a constipated caterpillar with back spasms.





* You could at least THANK me for all the help I give you.




* It's a sign of your intelligence (or lack thereof) that any time you see a kitty you become a blubbering, incoherent, mess.


* If I want it, it's mine. Even if I don't want it, if I should change my mind in the future, it's mine.


* The sticky notes are mine. You are not allowed to move or deface my signs. But should the horrible happen, I am to be rescued from the sticky immediately.

* I break for food.


* I fix everything.


* When I'm in my window, you aren't allowed to touch me or disturb me. Leering at me from outside or crying because you're so happy to see me are strictly prohibited. This is important for my street cred. If I MUST interact with you in a place seen by the outside, I'll bite you.


* Food always tastes better when it's on the other cat's plate.

* My redecoration skills are second to none. I offer consultations in exchange for tasty whole chickens.





* I have a [really annoying] shadow. Everyone else calls her Ellie Mae; but I have a special name for her. "Smellie" is the PG version of that name.




* I'm a Momma's boy. When I want to take my rightful place by her side you should find another place to sleep.


* I come first, last, and every spot in between. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME. You are expected to drop what you're doing when I require assistance.

* If you see me on The Boy's lap, it doesn't mean I like him. And no, it's not cute.


* Ditto for me and HER. If you think you see Smellie and I touching, you should get your eyes checked. Your whole squealing thing isn't cute. We ARE NOTfriends.


* A male princess requires a tiara, a tank, tasty whole chickens and a bazooka.

* I'M THE SHARK!!!


* I hiss for a reason. It's not my fault if you're too dull-witted around the sharp-fanged.

* In any room, corner, door way or hall, the cat - and more specifically - ME, has the right of way. The rest of you must get out of the mother-meowing way.

* These rules and words to live by are subject to change at any time - without notice - at the cat's discretion.

How many of these do your cat[s] agree with? Did we miss any?

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