Tuesday, November 20, 2018

The rights of The People ... err ... and cats

Bear Cat and The Boy discuss the Second Amendment ... and Bear goes a bit berserk searching for things on the internet [a $90,000 tank?!].

The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

The Boy: I don't know what about the right to bear arms confuses people.
BC: Umm ... I'm okay with bare arms ... as long as pants are worn. Pants are DEFINITELY required. But bare arms are actually better for me. My bite goes further than when Momma wears sweatshirts. I HATE WINTER! 
The Boy: What?
BC: Yes, I know. My arms and legs are always bared - but I have handsome stripe-y pants. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
The Boy: I don't even know where to start. I'm referring to the Bill of Rights.
BC: A bill?!? Momma's going to be really ticked off! Last time I used her credit card, I got in big trouble! She doesn't know about ...
MK: Bear?!
BC: Nothing! You don't know about anything! No. Wait. Not you don't know about anything. You're smart - for a human anyway. You know a lot of things ... but I mean there's nothing I'm hiding. 
EM: What about ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHH! Then again, Momma, you don't know nearly as much stuff as I do ... being the fine specimen of intelligence that I am ... 
EM: And you never SHUT UP!
BC: Look who's talking! Isn't there a hot dog stand somewhere near here that you can knock over?
EM: You're usually the one that knocks stuff over. That doesn't sound nice. And I'm a nice cat. I don't want any part of your evil plans.
BC: No. See ... it means you rob the stand of all their hot dogs.
EM: That's still not ...
BC: They're not ACTUAL hot dogs! No. The hot dogs aren't real.
{Pause}
BC: I mean they are real - but they're not hot ...
{Pause}
BC: Now wait a minute ... they aren't dogs like in the animal. I mean, they're made of animals, just not dogs. And they are hot.
{Pause}
EM: COOL! Where's the nearest hot dog stand?

BC: If only it were that easy to get rid of her.
MK: Bear! Your sister will never be a little thief.
BC: Umm ... OBVIOUSLY. She'd be a HUGE one!
MK: I walked into that.
The Boy: He asked about the right to bear arms.
MK: You're going to regret this. By now, you should know better than entering into an intellectual conversation with Bear ... 
BC: Phht. If you call what he possesses intellect.
MK: I hear Ellie meowing. Bye!
EM: No, Momma! I'm right here!
MK: Err ... I have to go find something ...
EM: AWWWWW. I was really hoping for a lap.
MK: Come on. We'll cuddle on the bed.
BC: You humans have the right to bare your arms? Only a human would come up with that. What about the right to bare feet? Or bare knees? Leave it to humans to make arbitrary laws about arcane and inane things. It's like, "I'm a human. I like the sound of my own voice. Therefore I'm going to make up a bunch of nonsense laws to make myself feel powerful."
The Boy: That's not exactly what it means. Bear as in B-E-A-R ... not bare.
BC: Ooooooooooooh! Cool. So all Americans have the right to my arms? Somehow that makes even less sense. I don't really like being petted on my arms - but it's just like a human to think one has a right to them!
The Boy: What?
BC: The right to Bear's arms.
The Boy: NO! The right to bare ... I mean bear ... oh, never mind. It's called the Bill of Rights.
BC: Sheesh! Bill of Rights? I'm going to have to check those out. I'm going to have to look this up.
{Pause as Bear looks at Momma's computer and The Boy makes a hasty exit}
EM: {coming back out} I thought Momma said you're not allowed to use her computer.
BC: HEY! Those kitties were of legal age! Err ... well, maybe not the torties ... but every man has at least one weakness.
EM: Oh, brother.
BC: Me, what?
EM: You're my brother. And you're stupid.
{Pause}
EM: Bless your heart. I suppose you can't help it.
BC: Can't you see I'm busy? I'm learning important stuffs. 
EM: How to get your paws on a tank?
BC: Well, now that you say it ... I'll look that up next.
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. I'll do that first ... search ... buy a tank ...
{Pause}
BC: WHAAAAAAAT?!?!? The cheapest tank is over ninety thousand dollars! QUICK! Check Momma's purse. Surely she wouldn't miss so little money ...

EM: OH! SCORE!!!
BC: I knew this would be good! How much money is in there?
EM: A tuna treat! In the bottom of Momma's purse!
BC: I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
EM: Why not?
BC: {chewing} Because I am. What do you have in your piggy bank?
EM: Our wet food treat.
BC: NO! MONEY!
EM: Why would I eat money?
BC: {sigh} How much money do you have?
EM: I don't have any money.
BC: Then how am I going to buy a tank?
EM: What would you do with a tank?
BC: Run over stuff.
EM: You don't think that'll get old?
BC: Do you know me at all?
EM: I see. You using your claws and fangs never gets old. I think maintenance would cost more than the tank itself.
BC: Maintenance?
EM: It takes a lot of work to maintain a tank.
BC: WHAT?!? So now you are the resident expert on tanks? Let me tell you how to maintain a tank - whack it if it even looks at you funny. RESPECT.
EM: Yes, my brother ... the only cat stupid enough to fight his own ninety-thousand dollar tank.
BC: Phht. Tanks don't have fangs and claws. BOO-YAH.
EM: Umm ... you do realize tanks are heavy metal that you can't just bite through?
BC: Look at you, genius tank expert. 
{Pause}
BC: NOT. Besides, The Boy said we have the right to bear arms. Then again, I might just not understand the human nonsense. But a right to bear arms? Like a tank. Or a bazooka! I wonder if bazookas are more economical. New search ... buy a bazooka ...
EM: You're going to get in BIG trouble if Momma catches you! You'll be grounded FOREVER if the FBI knocks on our door tomorrow morning because of your searches.
BC: It's not like I'm looking into how to blow up a building ... hmmm ... 

{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: Yet. That's another good one. Too bad I didn't think of that before my yearly vet visit. I should write this list down so I don't forget. Also include, "how to get rid of pests."
EM: Don't you think a tank or bazooka is a bit too far?
BC: Every self-respecting cat should have a bazooka for self-defense. Bazookas are WAY cheaper than tanks! I'd say every self-respecting cat should have a tank too - but it's not really attainable by the masses. 
EM: Thank goodness for that.
BC: As I said ... every SELF-RESPECTING cat. You're not exactly included in that category.
EM: I thought your first goal was to buy a tasty whole chicken farm.
BC: Priorities, Smellie. Priorities.
EM: I have priorities! 
BC: What? Laps? Food?
EM: And other stuff.
BC: Like what?
EM: I don't have to tell you.
BC: CHICKEN CANNON!
EM: Excuse me?
BC: How to buy a chicken cannon ...
EM: I really think running these searches is a bad idea.
{Pause as Bear notices a wand toy moving in front of his face}
BC: OOH! I've got it! I've got it! Wait ...
{Pause}
BC: Phht! NICE TRY. Distract me from my important business. Can't you see I'm busy! Get that thing out of my face or your face will look like that wand toy.

EM: I'm just trying to keep you out of trouble!
BC: I'm BAD TO THE BONE. No one keeps Bear Cat Kat out of trouble.
MK: {walking back into the room} Bear?
BC: Err ... except for her. No. Wait. She's the source of all my troubles. Err ... I mean she's the source of all my troubles about my trouble. And she's got eyes in the back of her head. I hope she doesn't see ...

MK: BEAR CAT KAT! 
BC: RATS! I didn't do it!
MK: You didn't search for ...
{Pause as Momma reads}
MK: BUYING A TANK?!?!
BC: Err ... that I did. But I didn't buy one!
MK: You know you're not allowed to use my computer.
BC: Sheesh. A cat changes the screen saver ONE time! Err ... and the wallpaper. Oh. And the e-mails. They even let you out of the contract to buy the tasty whole chicken farm! No permanent damage ... err ... yet.
MK: {sigh} Some battles just aren't worth fighting. Leave my settings alone and don't change anything! OH! I have to remember to clip Bear's claws tonight.
BC: I don't think so. The Boy said as an American, I have the right to bear arms. Tell her! Tell her!
The Boy: The Bill of Rights doesn't apply to cats.
BC: WHAT?! Who made up that nonsense? We OWN this country! This is just a ploy to keep good cats down!

The Boy: Sorry. The second amendment protects people.
BC: So which amendment protects cats?
The Boy: Err ... none of them.
BC: Humans require protections only because they are too stupid to keep themselves out of trouble.
{Pause}
BC: Let me tell YOU ... cats get things right the FIRST TIME. We don't need any of this amendment crap. Much less TWO - how many more are there?
The Boy: Eight.
BC: That's a whole lot of ...
The Boy: It's not the same amendment amended ten times. Each amendment is different.
BC: Oh, yeah! FANCY PANTS. FINE! I'll make our OWN bill of rights that will put yours to shame! Who better than a cat to elucidate the truths and rights of our time?
{Pause}
BC: Leave me. My brilliance needs space to blossom and create works of great value.
The Boy: You don't have to ask ME twice! {walking away} Now where did Momma and Ellie go?
BC: Hmmm ... first I should check the original. What did The Boy call them again? Something about bill and rights.
{Pause}
BC: THERE IT IS! Bill of Rights! Hmmm ... this could use some work. I'll just get started ... 
{An hour passes as Bear types feverishly to "correct" the American Bill of Rights}.
BC: {stopping for a minute} Hmmm ... I don't really know how to ... WAIT! I'm a cat! I have to be right! So change that ... and add this ... It's a tough job. But some cat has to do it. Show the humans how to do a bill of rights right!

{Pause}
BC: Hahahahaha. A bill of rights that's right!
{Pause}
BC: TADA! Momma? The Boy? SMELLIE?!? Where did every one go?!?

{Pause}
BC: WHERE ARE THEY?!? My masterpiece is complete! I'm ready to rock and roll ...
{Pause}
BC: Well ... after a well-deserved nap. They'll thank me later.

To be continued ... stay tuned for the presentation and discussion of Bear's Bill of Rights with the tyrants ... err ... humans!

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Friday, November 16, 2018

Giggles McGiggly

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
Vet tech: Vet tech at our veterinarian's
Vet: Veterinarian

BC: {grooming himself} She's ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A TORTIE! And I loooove ...
EM: {thinking to herself} Great. He's singing in the shower. AGAIN. I don't feel bad at all to interrupt ...
{Pause}
EM: Psst!
BC: Who?
EM: YOU!
BC: ME!?!?
EM: Do you see any other YOUS around here?
BC: Now that you mention it ...
EM: Don't look, but there's some kind of monster behind you.
BC: {GASP} {GULP} {whispering} What kind of monster?
EM: The really mean kind!
BC: With lots of sharp teeth and sharp claws?
EM: How'd you know?
BC: I KNEW it! My luscious loins are coveted across the universe. Wait ... Momma clipped my claws last night! I can't defend myself!
EM: I think you should run.

BC: Good idea.
{Pause}
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{THUNK!}
BC: It hit me! That's IT! This is war. I dare you to hit me again!
EM: {thinking to herself} Or you ran into the wall ...
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {running back the other way} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {taking a break to catch his breath} Is it {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} still behind me?
EM: I can't look!
BC: Is it that bad?
EM: RUN!!!!!
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! HELP! Is it off ...
{THUNK!} 
BC: Whatever this is, it's got a mean right hook! Shake it off. Shake it off.
EM: {thinking to herself} Or you ran into the wall again genius ... no wonder you're "special."
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! {ricocheting off the couch} {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {taking a break to catch his breath} Is it {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} still behind me?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a MINUTE! Why aren't YOU running from the evil monster? You're not afraid of the monster? It could eat you! Then again, you're not nearly as tasty as I ....
{Momma snatches Bear}
BC: PUT ME DOWN! THE MONSTER'S GOT ME! THE MONSTER'S GOT ME! Get Momma! And my lawyer! And Momma's lawyer! And HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLPP!
MK: Relax, Bear. It's just me.
BC: YOU'RE the monster?
MK: Yep.
BC: Hmph. I buy that. I mean ... LOOK AT YOU!
EM: Hahahahahaha. {To Bear} You should see the look on your face!
{Momma sets Bear down in the carrier and then quickly zips it up}
BC: HEY! You never said anything about prison! LET ME OUT!!!!! I swear! Let me out or I'm going to total this carrier and anyone touching it!

MK: That was a good idea, Ellie. Tire him out from running so I can grab him and put him in the carrier.
BC: WHAT!?!? SMELLIE is behind this? I'm not going to forget this! I'm going to kill you once! And then again ... for effect! LET ME OUT OF HERE!
MK: Sorry, Bear. Time for your yearly check up.
BC: I KNEW IT! Momma was stalking my poop for a week! I should've known she's not making litter castles - but looking for poop to bring with me.
EM: Because you're not enough poop yourself? You don't have enough poopy ideas?
BC: HEY! Now don't act like your poop doesn't ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY?!? Why isn't Smellie coming?
MK: She had her yearly six months ago. Now it's your turn.
BC: That's so un ... wait. That's good!
EM: Huh?
BC: When Smellie goes she complains and talks the whole time. She tries to drown me out and I can't get a word in edgewise! But don't think this lets you off the hook, Smellie! I'm going to rearrange every part of you until your teeth stick out your butt!
MK: All right. Time to go.
BC: Put me down!!! I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU! This is the LAST straw! And Smellie's going to pay!
EM: BITE ME! Oh! Right. You can't. Because you're in a carrier going to the vet! Hahahaha.

{Momma closes the front door}
BC: Is it my imagination or is she getting worse? Taunting me?!?
MK: Alright, buddy. Let's strap you in.
BC: Momma? Why are we going so slow?
MK: Because I haven't started the car yet.
BC: RATS! I was hoping this was almost over. They should have a drive through vet - cats and dogs don't even have to get out of their cars!
MK: Alright. Off we ...
BC: Momma? Why are we going so slow? At this rate, it's going to take fifteen minutes to get there!
MK: It always takes us fifteen minutes.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: We're not even out of the neighborhood.
{Five minutes pass}
BC: Why are we stopping? Are we there yet?
MK: People are crossing the street.
BC: Well, just run them over! Show them not to get in a two thousand pound vehicle's way.
MK: Bear, that's not very nice ...
BC: I'M A CAT! I don't DO nice! Now run them over so we can get this whole thing over with!
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No. We stopped for a red light. 
BC: I thought this was a DRIVE in a CAR not a STOP. More driving and less stopping!
MK: Bear, there are rules of the road that I have to follow.
BC: Says who?
MK: The police!
BC: Let me at 'em. I'll set them straight.
MK: That's kind of what I'm afraid of.
BC: One hasn't really lived until he gets a Bear smack-down. Are we there yet?
MK: A few more minutes.
{Pause}
MK: That will seem like an eternity because ...
BC: HEY! You went around a turn there!
MK: I thought you wanted to get there faster.
BC: You forget you clipped my claws so I have nothing to use to hang on!
MK: Oh, for ... fifteen minutes is TOO LONG! I barely survive!
{Pause}
MK: We're HERE!
BC: REALLY?! Aren't YOU a genius! I couldn't tell ... you know, since the car stopped moving.

{Momma and Bear walk in the front door}
MK: Hi. Bear Cat Kat for the vet.
BC: I'm going to #@$% your *&@% so good, you won't know which end is @(!*% up!
{Pause}
BC: Why does it smell like dog?
{A dog barks twice}
BC: Oh, that's just *#&@ing GREAT! I dare you to come anywhere near my carrier punk! I'll rearrange your ...
Vet tech: Let's go to room two. You have a lot to say, handsome.
BC: Phht. You should hear my sister! She's always talking and I can't get a word in edgewise!
Vet tech: Would you have really fought that dog?
BC: You better believe ...
MK: He has no problem antagonizing a dog from the safety of his carrier - but it's a different story when he's face to face.
BC: HEY! I'm not scared of ANYTHING! Put me in a room with that *^*@ dog and I'll %*!& him up!
{The dog barks from the other room}
BC: GREAT! Just like my sister! The dog never shuts up!
{The vet tech giggles}
BC: GREAT! I have Giggles McGiggly as a vet tech.
Vet tech: Let's get a weight on this handsome boy. {picking Bear up} Oh, my. You're a big boy!
BC: That's what my girlfriends say! I have a lot of those!

Vet tech: I'm sure you do.
BC: My Momma calls me her Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
Vet tech: Okay. Got a weight.
BC: WAIT?!?! Wait what?
MK: W ... E ... I ... G ... H ... T. She got your weight.
Vet tech: And you're a BIG boy!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you're referring to my WEIGHT and not my masculine prowess? Let me tell YOU something Giggles McGiggly ... you have no room to talk about how big I am when you have a bigger doughnut butt than my Momma! And that's saying something!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
Vet tech: Don't worry. I'm used to grumpy cats. They just don't like the vet.
BC: Wait wait wait wait wait ... McGiggles IS the vet?!? I'm SCREWED!
{Pause}
BC: For your information, I'm always like this. But you shove me in a tiny box to go to a place where I'm called a big boy and where you poke and prod me all up in my grill and insult me and disrespect me and I'm supposed to NOT be grumpy?
Vet tech: You say your sister talks a lot? Genetics.
BC: Well, she's not ACTUALLY my sister. Nope. That would be extra annoying. Not to mention I'd have to scrub my DNA with lots of bleach. If you met my sister, you'd understand.
Vet tech: Black cat? Floofy tail? I remember her! She's pretty. I think her name was Ellie?
BC: Actually, it's SMELLIE. But she also goes by Smellie Neigh, Yellie, and Smellie Belly. I bet you said she was a big girl too. Because let me tell you ... she's the size of a rhinoceros. And she never shuts up.
Vet tech: So you've said. The vet will be in in a moment.
BC: I swear. Everyone is so talkative and I can barely get a word in edgewise. And I'm SMART when I talk! I don't drivel on about ...
Vet: {walking into the exam room} Well, aren't you a big handsome boy!
BC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!?! You're not exactly thin yourself!
MK: BEAR!
Vet: He certainly isn't missing any meals.
BC: Say that again to my face and ...

Vet: How's he doing?
BC: HELLO! I'm right HERE! And I talk, Dimwit! Isn't that what we're here to find out? I mean, if my Momma knew I was doing well, she wouldn't need you!
Vet: No, I'm trying to see if your Momma noticed any problems.
BC: Let's see ... problems. I have a stupid sister that never shuts up. A Boy who insists we're friends. And a Momma who crams me into a tiny box to drag me here! It took FOREVER to get here because my Momma drives like a turtle.
MK: I went five over the speed limit the entire way!
BC: As I said, she drives slow. And Giggly McGiggles here insulted me! Oh, and she tried to pass herself off as the vet! You better watch out ... she's after your job. So what can you do about my problems? I'm all ears.
MK: Would you prefer I get pulled over? Then you can hang out in the car for another fifteen minutes.
BC: Phht. I'd tell the police you cat-napped me. Then he'd haul you off to jail and I'd get a tasty whole chicken buffet. Do cops use bazookas? Or tanks? Because that just seems like a match made in ... heck, I'll get arrested if it means I get access to bazookas and tanks.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Watch it! I don't like you like that! That's my unmentionables! You'd better respect me in the morning or I'll stick that up your butt!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Stop poking me or I'll @#(* you up!
MK: It's okay, Bear. You're almost done.
BC: I love my Momma. She's not much to look at ... she can't cook ... she can't sing ... you should see her dance ... and she often won't shut up ... and you'd better stay out of her butt trajectory when she sits down ... but she's mostly a good Momma. She brushes my teeth and clips my claws. Let me tell you ... she's got HIGH. PAIN. TOLERANCE.
Vet: I told her to brush your teeth because you have a genetic proclivity to ...
BC: So you didn't tell her to clip my claws?
Vet: No.
BC: BUSTED!
MK: Oh, for crying ...
BC: Bad Momma! BAD!

MK: If you didn't use them, I wouldn't have to clip them!
BC: I wouldn't use them if you didn't clip them.
Vet: Err ... I'll just give you two a minute of privacy ...
BC: Phht. You can just tell her the truth - that's she's being completely irrational! FEMALES!
Vet: {closing the door behind him} Bye.
BC: Look what you did! You scared the vet away! Now I won't get home any time before Smellie's raid on our food bowls.
MK: Bear ... I swear sometimes ... you're just such a ... a ... CAT!
BC: Ooooooh. That one hurt. You're a person!
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. What I said was actually an insult.
MK: But you're my Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
BC: I do have pretty handsome stripe-y pants, don't I?
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Save it for a few hours from now when I'm no longer mad at you.
MK: Deal.

Featured posts:

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Tabby cat lives matter {and other stories} #ChewyInfluencer

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae

MK: I'm so glad the election is over.
The Boy: Me too.
BC: WHAT?!
MK: What what?
BC: You said the election is over. There was an election? You deprived me of the right to vote! And no one told me? How INSULTING. And immoral! And just plain WRONG! My vote matters you know.
MK: Cats can't vote.
BC: WHAT?!?! I single-handedly voted ... wait ... single-pawedly? Never mind. Anyway, I single-pawedly voted The Boy and Smellie off our island. CLEARLY I CAN vote.
The Boy: And yet we're still here.
BC: Yeah yeah. Don't rub it in. That's just a technicality. Tabby cat lives matter! I'm going to make a sign!

MK: Uh oh. NO SIGNS!
The Boy: At least he'll be busy and not doing something he's not supposed to.
MK: He's not supposed to make signs! I swear! You give him ONE sign and the next thing you know, this house is littered with them.
BC: You thought I wouldn't know you held an election?
MK: Bear, it was a HUMAN election.
BC: Ooooh. No wonder I couldn't vote ... it was an election for morons. Did Smellie vote?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Did you vote for a tasty whole chicken in every pot?
MK: No. The election included ...
BC: BOR-RING! You probably voted on all kinds of human nonsense like roads, emergency services, taxes, and representation. Phht. Like that stupid stuff matters. We cats don't require REPRESENTATION. Nope. We just power through like a boss.
The Boy: You mean TYRANT?
BC: That's what I said! Listen! No girly sissy elections.
The Boy: In favor of your election where you tried to pass, "Rid the Momma Kat household from the claws of The Boy and Smellie."


BC: Phht. I listed Smellie first, dingbat.
The Boy: Can we have an election to decide whether or not you can call me names?
BC: They're terms of endearment. You should hear what Momma calls you behind your back. She clearly has more endearment toward you based on what she calls you.
MK: He's making that up!
The Boy: Ummm ...
MK: He's just trying to cause trouble.
The Boy: Is he capable of anything else?
MK: Good point.
BC: HEY!
{Pause as Bear thinks} 
BC: THANK YOU! That's the nicest thing you've said to me!
{Pause}
BC: Yep. I'm a bad-ass cat. Get in my way at your own peril. Make sure you tell the torties.
EM: Tell the torties what? That you're annoying? An ass? That you hide under the bed when the doorbell rings?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I didn't ask you. 

EM: You never do.
BC: There's a reason for that.
EM: Because you don't want the truth?
BC: Oh, shut up! And you're not allowed anywhere near my torties!
EM: I'm a LADYCAT. They would be a corrupting influence.
BC: TAKE THAT BACK! You could learn a thing or ... or ... six hundred things! My torties are perfect!
EM: Probably hiss-fect too.
BC: You're just jealous because you don't know how to hiss.
EM: I'm a NICE cat. I CAN. I just choose not to.
BC: What fun is that?
EM: What fun comes from being an ass?
BC: Did you know about this election?
EM: Election? There's an election? Where do I vote?
BC: Momma said you can't vote!
MK: Now wait a ...
EM: HEY! If Bear gets to vote, I get to vote.
MK: He didn't vote.
EM: But he said ...
BC: I never said I voted. I just said you can't.

EM: What's the election about?
BC: Sissy stuff.
EM: What? It was about you?
BC: WHAT?!
EM: You said it was about sissy stuff ... I assumed that meant you.
BC: You know what they say about assuming.
EM: It makes an ass of you?
BC: NO! They don't say that at all!
EM: Ass ... u ...
BC: ME!
EM: I know! That's what I'm saying!
BC: NO! I mean they say assuming makes an ass of you and me.
EM: But I'm not an ass! I'm a GOOD cat.
BC: You act so guileless and you pretend twisting the knife is an accident.
EM: Momma said you're not allowed to play with knives. You remember what happened last time?
The Boy: To be honest, he carries around those eighteen claws and four fangs and it turns out to be more painful and more dangerous than if he had a knife.
BC: Thank you!
{Pause}
BC: I think.
{Pause}
BC: No. Wait. That WAS a compliment.
EM: But Momma said ...
BC: Stick a fork in it! It's done.
EM: I thought we were talking about knives? 
BC: No. It's a SAYING. It's not literal. I don't make this stuff up!
EM: What are you doing, Bear?
BC: I'm busy. Mind your own beeswax.
EM: Let me see your sign ... {holding up the sign} "Tabby cat lives matter." Really?!?! I mean ... REALLY?!?


BC: You're just jealous because you don't have stripes!
EM: Why would I be jealous of looking like an escaped prison inmate? 
BC: You're right. Black is perfect for you - it's slimming. If you weren't black, people would realize you're the size of an airplane hanger.
EM: Oh, shut up! Don't all lives matter?
BC: Stop asking questions.
EM: I mean, don't black lives matter?
BC: Do they say black lives matter?
The Boy: Ummm ... actually ...
BC: RATS. Do they say black CAT lives matter?
The Boy: Well, I guess I've never heard that one.
BC: Exactly.
EM: HEY! Black cat lives matter!

The Boy: You're not going to win this one, Bear.
BC: Fortunately, you're not the arbiter around here.
The Boy: You mean Momma?
BC: Huh. You're not quite as stupid as I thought.
The Boy: Thanks. 
{The Boy thinks a minute}
The Boy: I think.
BC: That's what you said last night.
The Boy: "Thanks. I think?"
BC: Are you not sure if you think?
The Boy: No. Of course I think! I was just asking what you were referring to.
BC: "I think ..." Though with you, that's kind of loosely defined.
The Boy: I came out at midnight and found you in your Momma's chair at her computer and her sleeping on the floor!
BC: You mean MY chair.
The Boy: That's just the point! Your Momma spoils you! You want her desk chair? POOF! It's yours!
MK: That's not entirely true. I've just learned some battles aren't worth fighting and losing blood over a chair is kind of pointless.
BC: You're still hung up on it being her chair. And where blood and an angry kitty are concerned ... NOT usually pointless at all.
MK: Yes, yes. That's true.
The Boy: Twenty-two points.
BC: I'm the shark!
The Boy: Very funny. Haha. I'm not falling for THAT ag ...
{Bear takes a step toward The Boy}
The Boy: BYE!
{The Boy runs down the hall and slams the bedroom door shut behind him}.
BC: He's FINALLY properly trained! Any time I want him to disappear ...
EM: That's my Daddy you're talking about!
BC: I thought Momma was the best thing ever.
EM: She is! But I try to make it look fair.
MK: Are you two up for finishing a review?
EM: FOOD?!
BC: With our luck, probably litter again!
EM: That would be crappy. Hahahahahaha.

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Disclosure: We received Miko Seafood & Chicken Variety Pack Grain-Free Canned Cat Food {3-oz, case of 12} - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Miko nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post. #ChewyInfluencer

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MK: We're trying Miko Seafood & Chicken Variety Pack. The four flavors included are Mackerel & Tuna Recipe, Salmon Recipe, Tuna & Tilapia Recipe and Chicken Recipe.

{Pause}
MK: We tried Tuna & Tilapia Recipe last night and we had clean plates. 

{Pause}
MK: The salmon wasn't as popular the night before that - but the chicken was every bit as popular the night before that.
EM: YAY! It was SOOO good. I mean, for not having a thick gravy and all. Actually, I might be a convert to ... to ... what do you call that stuff, Momma?
MK: Consommé.
EM: Whatever you call it ... YUM!
BC: Whatever. There are probably vegetables. There weren't any the last three nights ... but I'm on to your tricks, Momma!
MK: No vegetables in these. This Miko pack is made of flaked chunks of real fish or chicken as the first ingredients - and a consommé made with real broth provides hydration at meals. Even better, the contents of the cans are a complete and balanced meal with all the nutrition cats require ... and never any of the ingredients you don’t want - like grains, wheat, corn, soy or carrageenan.
The Boy: {walking into the room} Isn't food just food? I mean, it's fish or chicken. OF COURSE they'll eat it.
BC: Who said you could come out? 
The Boy: Err ...
BC: And what do you know about it? It's easy to foul up good food with vegetables.
The Boy: You mean, "fowl." Get it? Chicken ... fowl?
{Silence}
BC: "Isn't food just food." You can't possibly be that stupid, can ...
{Pause}
BC: Never mind.
EM: Yeah, that was kind of stupid, Daddy.
The Boy: BuddyBear! Let's be friends! 
BC: I really hope you're not thinking of ...
{The Boy picks Bear up and holds him in his arms}
BC: Of course you were. THIS FOOD BETTER BE GOOD FOR ME TO PUT UP WITH THIS! I'm going ... to ... count ... to ... five ... and ... if ... you ... haven't  ... put ... me ... down ... I'm the shark!

{Pause}
The Boy: {putting Bear down} Err ... I'll just go back in the bedroom ...
BC: And stay there until I tell you you can come out! How undignified! I'm a grown male cat! And he just picks me up like he thinks he owns me!
MK: {plating up the food} Tonight we'll try Mackerel & Tuna Recipe. You two have eaten the other three flavors.

{Pause}
MK: {setting down the plates} Here you two go ...
BC: Num ... num ... num ... num ...

{Pause}
BC: No veggies! Just fishy goodness!!

MK: Ellie?
EM: This is even better than the flavor we had last night!

{Pause}
EM: F is for fishy ... num ... num ... which good ... num ... enough for ... num ... me ... num! Num ...
BC: DON'T SING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!!! GROSS!
MK: These flavors were a total success! We love Chewy. That's not up for debate or election. Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying Miko Seafood & Chicken Variety Pack Grain-Free Canned Cat Food? Go visit Chewy and order a case for your favorite feline!?

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.

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