Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Bear Cat: The Boob

Momma's trying to sleep, but Bear has other plans. Bear's organizing a show of our household's greatest talents. Unfortunately, the show he and Ellie are waiting for ends before it even begins because Bear gets in a fight with his manager.

 BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

 BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: Momma!
{tap}
MK: STOP TAPPING MY EYELID WHEN IT'S CLOSED! Your claws are too long - but I'll take care of that later. I'm trying to sleep.
BC: You should try harder.
MK: You mean by locking you out of the room?
BC: {GASP!} That's not something you should EVER joke about! You know I need to be in here with you to protect you from ...
MK: Tasty whole chickens?
BC: Exactly! Then again, if there were tasty whole chickens in here, they'd need protection from me!
MK: From under the bed?
BC: What?!?!

MK: Because the last time you thought you heard a tasty whole chicken ...
BC: SHHHHH! We agreed we'd never speak of that again!
MK: Were you SCARED? Of a CHICKEN?
BC: NO!
MK: Were YOU a chicken?
BC: Oh, shut up.
MK: Says the cat that's annoying me.
BC: It's time for the show.
MK: What show? I don't care to see your butt at the moment.
BC: THE show.
MK: Please tell me Ellie isn't pole dancing again.
BC: No. Her pole dancing shows are the consummate example of what one sees that one will never forget. 
{Pause}
BC: Though it WAS funny that one time she fell off the cat tree while attending to her pole. I gave her a tip for that one!
MK: A tip?
BC: To make her stop.
MK: But you don't have any money.
BC: It wasn't THAT kind of tip. It was the kind of tip that says knock it off or you'll regret it.
MK: Poor Ellie.
BC: Poor ELLIE?!?! I have images in my brain that I will never get rid of! 
The Boy: {walking into the room} That's not pole dancing!
BC: You would know.

The Boy: She's a lady ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait ... WHAT?!
{Pause}
The Boy: How ... {talking to Kat} How does he know about that?
BC: Momma tells me everything.
The Boy: {face turning white} Err ... EVERYTHING?
{Pause}
The Boy: Like what?
BC: You go first and tell me something Momma might have told me and then I'll tell you whether she did.
The Boy: Wait a ...
MK: TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!!!! Can you two take this somewhere else?
The Boy: Why would you tell him about ...
BC: Phht. She tells me everything. Like all of the sixteen hundred and eighty-four times you broke up with her.
The Boy: I didn't break up with her that many times!
{Pause}
The Boy: SO WHAT?! What else did she tell you?
MK: Can you two do this somewhere else? I need to sleep!
The Boy: You've been in bed for ten hours already!
MK: And Bear's been tapping me on the eyelid for four.
BC: It's time for the show!
The Boy: What show?
BC: THE show. Like you don't know!

{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... while we're on the topic of dirt, is it true you ...
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: You told him about that?
MK: LARRY! Trying to sleep!
The Boy: What did she tell you? It was an accident!
BC: I'm sure.
The Boy: I couldn't have known I'd be ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait a minute! She DIDN'T tell you and you're trying to trick me into telling you.
BC: You're so smart! My tricks never work on such a smart guy like you!
MK: Take his temperature.
The Boy: HA! You thought you'd trick me into admitting ... {mumbling}.
BC: AHA!
The Boy: Aha what?
BC: {mumbling}.
The Boy: How did you know?
BC: A ginormous birdy told me.

The Boy: Wait a ... I told you! You didn't know!
EM: {walking into the room} Bear, do I have time for a snack before the show?
MK: Oh, for PETE'S SAKE!
EM: No. Technically the show is for my sake. I even found some coins in the couch to stuff in Bear's handsome stripe-y pants.
BC: I also take checks and credit.
EM: Momma? Could I borrow your credit card?
MK: Oh, for the LOVE! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!
EM: Why would you want to sleep through Bear-a-palooza?
MK: Excuse me?
{Pause}
MK: Never mind. I don't want to know! I want to sleep!
EM: Bear said that if we don't like the show, we can get our money back.
MK: Wait ... wait ... MONEY??! You PAID to see Bear's show?
BC: BEAR-A-PALOOZA!
EM: No. I made a deal with him that my admission charge would equal the commission on your and Daddy's tickets.
MK: This has gone on long enough!
EM: I agree! I need a snack before the show.
BC: Don't worry. I'll hook you up during the show. They'll be concessions.

EM: Like my favorite tuna snacks?
BC: Of course!
EM: COOL! This show gets better and better.
{Pause}
EM: Awww. But I don't have any money!
BC: Don't worry. I'll put it on The Boy's credit card like the admission price for him and Momma.
The Boy: What?!?
MK: Hahahaha. I will attend the show after all, if The Boy's buying!
The Boy: WHAT?!? No wait! Where did you get my credit card?
BC: Phht. It doesn't matter WHERE one gets a credit card, only how you use it.
{Momma snickers}
The Boy: {looking at Momma} YOU! He's only taking MY credit card because you have yours locked up!
MK: I learn quickly.
EM: Hurry up! Hurry up! I can't wait until the "I'm too sexy" song! That one's my favorite! Take it off!!! Take it ALL off!
BC: Patience!
EM: Sorry. I was just practicing.
The Boy: Have you noticed that Bear's mean to her all the time and yet she adores him? It's like he's her idol or something.
EM: He's so dreamy! Especially up on stage.
BC: The chicks dig me!
EM: Well, that doesn't make sense.

BC: WHAT?!?! Are you saying I'm not HANDSOME?
EM: Of course not! I'm just not sure why chicks would wield a shovel. And shoveling a cat?! That just sounds dangerous!
{Silence}
MK: So Bear's show ...
EM: BEAR-A-PALOOZA!
MK: Right. Who are the acts in Bear-a-palooza?
The Boy: Well, THAT'S a stupid ...
EM: Featuring B-Cube, The Great Bear Cat, and Naughty by Legislature!
BC: NO! That's Haughty by Nature!
The Boy: I preferred Naughty by Legislature!
BC: Right. Like your opinion matters.
The Boy: All the palooza, without the lol.
BC: You may also call it a Holla-palooza. Holla!
The Boy: That's not exactly what I'd call it.
BC: I excuse you. But I must use the little boy's box before I go on.
EM: You haven't been a little boy since ... since ... err ... whenever you weren't.
The Boy: We get to see the cat rapper B-Cube and Bear's using the litter box? We're getting quite the crap show!
{Pause}
The Boy: On second thought, we could shorten B-Cube to Boob.
BC: That's brilliant! I like that! I'm a Boob!
EM: As your manager, I agree.
The Boy: Bear pays you to be his manager?
EM: Of course not! I pay HIM to be his manager.
The Boy: That's not how it works!
EM: Maybe for lesser stars ... but I'm a manager of the famous B-Cube.

BC: Just call me Boob.
The Boy: Famous B-Cube? Famous or infamous?
BC: It's time.
The Boy: Time? Time for what? Time to give my credit card back? Time to quit this boob show? Time to be grounded?
EM: That'd be bad! If you read the flyer, you'd know there's an aerial component to the show. If he's grounded ...
The Boy: Now I've heard it all.
EM: Besides, you already paid extra for that part. No refunds.
The Boy: EXTRA?! I shouldn't have paid at all! 
MK: Wait ... flyer? I never saw any flyer!
BC: I TOLD you she doesn't pay attention! Haven't you noticed the Momma-sized dent in the hall?
EM: Which one?
BC: EXACTLY! Put up an announcement you said ...
MK: Bear, you put up so many signs, I don't see them anymore. It's just better that way.
BC: You would see a "No boys allowed" sign! Or a "No Mommas allowed" sign.
The Boy: That's ironic. The flyers for the crap show can be used at filler for the litter box.
EM: Boob branded toilet paper! I like it!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!}
The Boy: What?
BC: {AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!} SMELLIE! The lights!
The Boy: The Boob in concert!
EM: SHHHHHH! I'm also security. Don't make me make you leave.
The Boy: What are you going to do? Kick me out?
EM: If you disturb the talent ...

The Boy: Talent isn't the word I'd use.
BC: SMELLIE! THE LIGHTS!
EM: I can't reach the switch!
BC: Do I have to do everything myself?
EM: I gave you a massage! I got treats for you! And The Boy's credit card! I'm a good manager!
BC: Good help is so hard to find.
EM: Listen here, you little ...
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: She's gonna blow!!!! RUN!
BC: What about the show?!? I don't give refunds!
EM: Calling you an idiot is an insult to stupid people.
BC: You're a good manager?
EM: And chicks dig you? The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt.
BC: Well, that was a little cold ... {seeing Ellie's face} ... err ... but deserved.
EM: Speaking of little boys, you're so large, you could sell shade!
BC: I ... HWK ... HWWK ... HAWK ... sorry!
MK: {in the other room with The Boy }Wow. He apologized.
The Boy: And hawked up a furball in the process. We did get a show after all! And I don't mind paying for it either!
MK: Miss Ellie is super sweet, beyond patient, and doesn't have a mean bone in her body ...
The Boy: But you tick her off ...
EM: I’m jealous of people who don’t know you!
BC: Err ... I guess you don't want to see the show anymore? I even have new verses of the "I'm too sexy" song for you and The Boy!
EM: Don't hurt yourself trying to think. If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
MK: I think Bear might need some ...
EM: You're so dumb that you got hit by a parked car!
MK: On second thought ... we might be safer back here.
The Boy: She's saved these up for a while! Too bad we don't have popcorn.
MK: You forget the mini-microwave and mini-fridge in my office.
The Boy: I love that walk-in closet. And you are a genius.
MK: As I said before, I learn quickly and Bear's always kept me on my toes.
The Boy: Sounds like Ellie's about to string Bear up by his!
EM: Good help is hard to find?!? Oh, yeah? I'd say so are good employers - but I PAY you to work for you!
BC: And you call me stupid.
EM: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
{Silence}
BC: I hear Momma calling!
EM: That's right! Run away! Don't forget to tuck your tail between your legs!

 © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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Thursday, August 15, 2019

Is your cat meowing up the wrong cat tree? [Yaheetech Cat tree review]

One of the biggest problems for those of us who share our lives with cats is offering adequate outlets for our cats' energy and their instincts. Without those offerings, cats are left to their own devices to fill their time and meet their needs - and are more likely to find unacceptable (to humans) means to expend their energy and fulfill their instincts. We wrote about feline instincts and how they might be misdirected in Feline instincts. Not providing an enriched environment for our cats is one reason their instincts might become misdirected. Adding a cat tree to one's home is one of the easiest ways to offer cats a different (and more acceptable to us) outlet for them to be those wonderful creatures we call cats.
How does a cat tree enrich the environment of your feline[s]?

As I researched this article, my favorite explanation of why cats need a cat tree was explained by Shelley DelRocco of Pet Tree Houses: “We came up with the acronym P.E.T. – a cat is a Predator, Explorer, and Threat assessor. The tree represents and satisfies many basic needs tied to those character traits. As a Predator, the cat uses it to seek prey and survey his domain. As an Explorer, he uses it to look for new vantage points. And as a Threat assessor, he uses it as a place to retreat to and defend himself if needed.” Let's break down into pieces how a cat tree enriches the lives of cats.

Vertical space.
Humans operate based on horizontal space - but our cats use space vertically as well as horizontally. Cats need to utilize vertical territory for comfort, safety, and even fun. By expanding cats' territories vertically, we minimize fights over horizontal territory in homes with multiple cats or limited space. One of the easiest ways of adding vertical space is a cat tree. While two cats might not be able to peacefully share their horizontal spaces, the varied vertical nature of the cat tree allows each cat to have his own space.

An outlet for scratching.
Cats need to scratch instinctually - for a variety of reasons, including stretching their muscles, shedding old cuticle or claw sheaths, sharpening their claws, and marking their territory. They DO NOT scratch to be vindictive or intentionally harmful to our possessions. Scratching is a completely healthy (and necessary) activity for our cats. By providing a cat tree with scratching posts, we offer cats an outlet for their scratching instincts vs. them expressing those instincts on our furniture or carpet. For years, Bear scratched the furniture and I didn't think scratchers would help, but now that we have scratchers for Ellie, I'm noticing Bear is using the scratchers more and more for scratching and the furniture less.

Recreation/exercise/mental stimulation.
Cats find more ways to play with a cat tree than they would without a cat tree. A cat tree gives cats a place to climb, hide, and pounce against other cats or their imaginations. One of my cats' favorite uses for our cat tree is chasing each other up and down the tree. They also like to sit on the perches and look out the window. My cats also LOVE to hide using the perches and cat condos. Sometimes they play a version of hide and seek on the cat tree - but they also hide there to avoid having their claws clipped or teeth brushed because there are spots on the cat tree where I can't reach them.

Quiet, private place to be (away from kids and dogs).
Cat sleep for sixteen to eighteen hours a day - thus needing a quiet, out-of-the-way sleeping spot. Many cats are overwhelmed by children, dogs, and other cats in their environment. A cat tree with a cat condo provides cats a way to be out in the open and protected from what frightens them. Also, cats using vertical space can see more of their environment to monitor their environment and threats and ensure that they are not attacked from behind. 


Is a cat tree sufficient for a cat's environmental enrichment?

 While a cat tree addresses several outlets for a cat's energy and their instincts (scratching, safety, vertical life) for cats, a cat tree isn't sufficient for enrichment. Yes, having a cat tree is BETTER - but we can easily do better for our cats. To illustrate the issue visually to see the density and status of stimulation in our relative lives:







Is it any wonder cats in homes without enrichment get in trouble finding ways to entertain themselves? The kitchen counter, furniture, the person's stuff all look much more exciting when the cat has no other outlet for his energy. You might be thinking, "But cats sleep sixteen to eighteen hours a day! They have far less leisure time than us humans!" And you'd be wrong. Humans sleep six to eight hours a day - and work for another nine (with lunches and commuting). Add the time we sleep and how long we work; together, the time is almost - if not equal - to the time cats sleep. We have so many commitments that most of us complain about not having the time. But imagine you got home from work and - to fill your remaining hours - had to decide between eating, sleeping, and looking out a window that's dark. Most people would be bored. Don't underestimate what goes on in cats' heads - and what they need. We addressed the myth that cats don't need us here: Do cats need human interaction or are they completely fine on their own?. This goes right along with what we're talking about. You, as the human, are the sum total of a cat's life. Believe it or not, but cats who find ways to entertain themselves end up on our counters, or scratching furniture, or tearing up carpet, or worse. 

Like with relationships between humans, what we put into the relationship with our cats is directly related to what we get out of it. The most important piece of environmental enrichment involves us. At the end of the day, cats WANT a relationship with us more than anything else (see Social interaction, food, scent or toys? A formal assessment of domestic pet and shelter cat (Felis silvestris catus) preferences.) Any way we can find to enhance and strengthen that relationship benefits both cat and human and our efforts to live together with minimal conflict and frustration. I used to play with Bear for a half-hour to an hour a day, admittedly, I never felt so close to him and I actually miss that time even though we still snuggle and connect in other ways.

We did a post years ago on what led me to buy a cat tree for Bear - and the post describes his behavior when bored, and, for a more light-hearted angle, his infamous cat tree rules: Meowing Up The Wrong Tree? (& Lots of Pictures). To read more about solutions for feline boredom - in addition to cat trees, please see Are your cats bored? and So your cats are bored. Now what?


Yaheetech Cat tree review

Disclosure: We received the Yaheetech 79" Multi-Level Cat Tree for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - Yaheetech is not responsible for the contents of this post.

Yaheetech, a global, leading e-commerce site and cat tree brand since 2003, offers many sizes and configurations of cat trees - as well as many other products. To see all their cat trees, please visit Yaheetech cat trees. We tried the 79" Yaheetech Cat Tree found on Amazon; it includes nine scratching posts, two condos, a basket, a scratcher ramp, hanging rope, three perches, and a heavy base for stability. 



I appreciate that Yaheetech says they believe in a quality product, fast delivery, and the best price. Their cat trees are more reasonably priced than most brands - but what about quality?

 I was really excited to try this tree because of how my cats LOVE their other cat tree; sometimes our cats fight over the top perch or the smaller cat condo. I love the darker fabric covering on the Yaheetech cat tree. Especially when Bear struggled with pancreatitis, our other tree acquired obvious stains because of the lighter color covering. My biggest concern was whether my two ... err ... zaftig cats would be too heavy for the cat tree; they both weigh between thirteen and fourteen pounds. In the Amazon description, Yaheetech shares weight load capacity, and my cats are right on the borderline. The basket's weight limit is nine pounds - and I'm not sure my cats would fit in the basket anyway. The weight limit of the perches is fifteen pounds - a little too close to my cats' weight for my comfort. I decided I'd let them determine whether they felt it was sturdy enough for them (with supervision). The condos' limit is twenty-six pounds. 

 Speaking of the cat condos, I was befuddled to find the cat condos on this cat tree don't have solid walls. The structures are stable, but the pillars in each cat condo that hold its shape take up room and are hard to negotiate for a cat trying to take a nap. 



Bear couldn't fit in the smaller cat condo - and actually fell off the tree trying to back out of it because there wasn't room to turn around in the condo. Ellie refused to even try to fit - and made the same assessment about the larger condo.

The tree comes with a safety strap, but because of how sturdy the tree seemed and because its final resting place is against a wall and a sturdy entertainment center, I did not bother to attach the strap to the wall.

 The tree is attractive and I was really impressed in taking it out of the box.  Encouragingly, right away out of the box, Ellie used the scratcher and batted at the toy hanging from one of the perches.







 A note on the dangling toys ... before I screwed in the perches, I removed the toy from both (they are tied on a clip and easy to remove). I've heard of cats accidentally hanging themselves on dangling toys. The instructions on our old cat tree even explicitly said the dangling toys were for decoration - not as toys for the cat. 

 Overall, I thought the tree was much harder to put together than it needed to be. The directions were fairly clear, but in trying to screw the pieces together, they didn't catch right away and I had to spend quite a bit of time trying to get the screws securely in the holes. 





Overall, it took me three hours to put the entire tree together. I can't remember exactly, but I think it took me less than half that time to assemble our old cat tree - and it's similar in size to this one. While the cats started out supervising the assembly of the new cat tree, they quickly got bored and wandered off; Ellie decided one of the platforms was comfortable and fell asleep. 

After putting the cat tree together, I had a few concerns.

The top perch isn't as stable as I'd like. In the end, I dropped that concern as I explain later.

But what concerned me far more was that I couldn't figure for the life of me how a cat gets to the third level and the larger cat condo. The second level platform and the third level platform are the exact same size. I would've expected the lower platform to be slightly larger to allow a cat to jump from the second level to the third. Maybe in Bear's youth, he would've jumped the four feet between the floor and the third level - but I wouldn't have felt good about it because of the stress on his joints. Not long after I finished assembling the cat tree, Bear jumped up to the second level to explore. He seemed confused about getting to that third level and gave up. 

For a couple days, I had the tree next to a couch (as seen above) that he could've used to get up there - but he had no desire. I took several pictures of him on the third level when I set him up there - but he can't or won't get up there on his own. He did find one advantage to the cat tree ...

Ellie is a little strange. She seems afraid of heights. It took her eighteen months to venture up to the top of our old cat tree. I wasn't surprised that she didn't want anything to do with climbing this new tree. I WAS surprised that Ellie didn't even use the scratcher on the assembled cat tree. Like with Bear, I set her on the third platform and she looked terrified and jumped off before I could get a decent picture.



I'm confused that neither cat was interested in the cat tree more than a casual exploration. Because neither cat seemed interested in the higher perches, I didn't worry about their stability. If I had to guess, I'd say the cats don't realize there's anything above the second level and they can't fit in the cat condo on the second level. In other words, they are bored with the facilities and see no reason to use them. 

 HOWEVER, Bear's taken to sleeping on the floor platform behind the scratcher; I'm guessing he sleeps there because it's not in the open and he has a bit of privacy. But that sole use is a bit disappointing for such an outfitted and fancy tree.

You may find the Yaheetech 79" Multi-Level Cat Tree on Amazon.

 For more information on Yaheetech, visit Yaheetech's blog, Yaheetech's youtube channel, or view all of Yaheetech's cat trees at Yaheetech cat trees.

 Yaheetech gives away cat trees on their youtube channel and blog each month. For more details, check out these links:
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSYhpzfgR00
Blog: https://blog.yaheeshop.com/cat-tree-tower/


External Sources of information for this post:

 Sources from Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat:

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 
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Friday, August 9, 2019

The price of tea in China

Bear's up to something, and as usual, The Boy and Momma regret finding out what. Bear's desperate for money and he gets in BIG trouble from Momma AND Ellie when they find out why he needs it so badly!

 BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

 BC: Uh-huh. Uh-huh ...
{Pause}
BC: Yep. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh ...
{Pause}
BC: Oh, YEAH! That's a good one! That's the crown jewels right there!
{Pause}
BC: Hmph. Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest has the crown jewels. Hahahaha. I crack myself up.
{Pause}
BC: BOO-YAH! You know it!
The Boy: What's Mr. Tough Sissy Pants doing?
MK: I have a feeling we'll find out soon enough and then we'll wish we hadn't.
BC: No discounts for you! Hahahaha. The service SUCKS! Now, how much for ...
The Boy: That's a pattern with him ... still, I AM curious.
MK: Curiosity killed the cat.
The Boy: Haha.
MK: Though to be honest, I'm surprised Bear's still here. He was Mr. Stupid Adventurous until a few years ago. Nothing used to be safe.
The Boy: That's because Momma always saved the curious cat from his own devices.
MK: True.
The Boy: I AM curious.
MK: Don't ask! Maybe he'll fall asleep before he finishes and then forget about it.
The Boy: Being that awesome must be tiring.
MK: That's ONE word for it. Earlier today, he told me I had to pay him one dollar for each piece of toilet paper I use. He takes cards - but there's a ten-dollar minimum.
The Boy: Yesterday, he laid in the middle of the floor and told me I had to pay him fifty dollars to walk past him.
MK: You didn't!
The Boy: No. That's why I have a large scratch from my knee to my ankle. That boy needs anger management.
BC: {looking up from his work} I wouldn't be angry if you weren't stupid!

MK: He IS cute.
BC: That's right!
The Boy: {AHEM!}
MK: Well, not right now ...
BC: HEY!
The Boy: Cute is one word for it.
MK: At least when he's sleeping ...
BC: I heard that! Let's see ... go back and change that to that ...
MK: At least he hasn't charged us for opening the refrigerator recently.
The Boy: Oh, yes. One of my favorites. Ten dollars to get a bottle of water out of the refrigerator!
MK: WHAT?!?! I had to pay twenty dollars AND I had to pay for the soda on top of that.
The Boy: He might be a better business cat than we thought.
MK: True. Like isn't life without my soda.
The Boy: Earlier, he tried to charge me ten dollars to sit on our couch.
MK: Wait ... WHAT?!
The Boy: Yep. He wanted me to pay him so I could sit on the couch. He offered me a discount on using the ottoman.
MK: He charged me twenty-five dollars to sit on the couch! And an extra five for putting my feet up on the ottoman!
The Boy: A fool and her money are soon parted.
MK: Ha. Ha. I'm close to going broke.
The Boy: Good thing he takes credit.
MK: Maybe. But I already hit my credit limit on one card! He charged me a two-hundred-and-fifty dollar fee for it because my card was declined.
The Boy: I told you humoring him was a mistake.
MK: That's not even the worst of it! Last night, he charged Ellie to use "his" litter box. And he charged her again to be in the same room as him. Something about an annoyance or stupidity tax.
The Boy: Too bad for Bear, but Ellie doesn't have any money.
MK: She managed to scrounge a couple coins out of the couch before she couldn't hold it anymore.
The Boy: Maybe we need to get her a piggy bank!
MK: NO! Don't even get started with that! Last time I tried to give her one she got all indignant because the pigs wouldn't come out and play with her. 
The Boy: Did you try to explain ... {seeing Momma's face}... bless her heart. She's not quite operating on full power.
BC: Says the guy who pays ten bucks to open the refrigerator.

The Boy: I was led to believe I had no choice!
MK: Maybe she's not on full power, but the next time she needed the litter box Bear accused her of being cheap and said you get what you pay for. Then she told him she'd poop in his shark bed.
The Boy: Hmmm ... we could try that.
MK: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the cat will always win anyway. We might out-smart him on something, but he'll come back with a vengeance and make life miserable.
The Boy: Maybe if you didn't ENABLE him ...
MK: Last week, he put that picture on the internet because I wouldn't pay him two-hundred-and-fifty dollars to keep it to himself.
The Boy: I guess a tasty whole chicken farm doesn't buy itself.
MK: That's just the thing! In my internet browser history, I found a visit to a site called Hussy Pussies. I wonder if he's spending money there.
The Boy: I don't want to know. It sounds like a name a cat would come up with. 
MK: There's a reason I didn't even go there. I don't want to know either.
The Boy: Next thing you know, he's going to charge us to live here.
MK: Ummm ...
The Boy: You did NOT pay him to live here, did you?
MK: NO?
The Boy: We already pay rent!
MK: He called it protection money.
The Boy: Protection from what?
MK: I might've misunderstood ... but I'm pretty sure I paid him to protect us from his claws and fangs.
The Boy: For how long that lasted ...
BC: If you just did everything I asked, there wouldn't be a problem!
MK: If I did everything you ask, I wouldn't have any money for treats.
BC: Phht. You don't need money for treats. That's what the treat fairy is for. Or did you tick her off again?
The Boy: What's he talking ...
MK: To be fair ...
BC: THAT'S a first!

MK: ... he gives me one dollar every time I give him his wet food treat on time.
The Boy: The treat fairy?
BC: NO! The treat fairy is a lady.
The Boy: Well, excuse me!
BC: There's no excuse for you.
The Boy: Oh, for crying ... Maybe he SAYS he'll pay you. But how many dollars have you gotten that way?
MK: Err ... I lost track?
The Boy: So in other words ... you've gotten none. Plus, he charges you five dollars for being late with his wet food treat. And the time he expects his food is completely random and changes every day!
BC: Just because you don't understand the logic doesn't mean there's not any.
EM: {walking into the room} Hi ...
BC: That will be five dollars. You have to pay a cover charge.
EM: WHAT?!?! YOU'RE the one that doesn't cover your business in the litter box! YOU should pay a cover charge!
BC: That's not what a cover ... oh, never mind. It's too annoying to try to fleece my sister.
EM: But you've never even tried! You said you refused to braid my fur!
BC: WHAT?
EM: Isn't that what you mean by fleece?
BC: That's it. I'm charging a dumb tax.
EM: If it's a dumb tax, why charge it?

BC: Because you're dumb!
EM: No. You said the TAX was dumb! If a tax is DUMB, don't charge it!
{Momma and The Boy try not to laugh}
EM: It's a no-brainer!
BC: Says the no-brainer!
{Pause}
BC: While you're all here, I'm presenting a bill for my services.
MK: You sleep sixteen to eighteen hours per day!
BC: It's not the time that matters, but what you do with it.
The Boy: Like annoy the rest of us?
BC: There's no such thing as a free lunch.
The Boy: Says the cat who doesn't pay for anything.
BC: Says The Boy who ...
MK: BEAR! That's enough. Let's weigh your "services" vs. mine.
BC: Whatever. Talk about a bunch of trumped-up charges ...
MK: I pay when you go to the vet.
BC: But I don't want to go to the vet! That's your own problem!
EM: Wait ... you PAY the vet to be mean to us?

MK: That's not quite how it ...
BC: Hmph.
MK: If you only ever did what you wanted to, this house would be much different.
BC: You are not the boss of me! I already do what I want.
The Boy: He's right.
MK: Let me see your list of "services."
BC: That'll be a hundred dollars.
MK: I'm not going to pay a hundred dollars for a bill I have to pay.
BC: Suit yourself. Collections are a *itch.
MK: Okay. Can you at least give me a total?
BC: Five bucks.
MK: No.
BC: How am I supposed to get Hussy Pussies off the ground if I don't have money?
{Silence}
MK: Excuse me? Aren't you grounded from the internet?
BC: Err ...
MK: Is that kitty porn? If so, you are in even bigger trouble!
BC: Well, right now, only Smellie's on there.
EM: WHAT?!?! On where?
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: That's my boy!
MK: HEY!
EM: You better take me off your page or I'll shove the computer so far up your ...
BC: Err ... sorry?
The Boy: WHAT?! Did Bear just apologize?
EM: That's what I thought!
The Boy: Toilet paper, one dollar a sheet. To open the refrigerator, ten dollars. Bear apologizing? PRICELESS!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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