Friday, February 22, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 7

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 

{Momma hears a commotion in the family room}
MK: What's going on?
BC: Nothing to see here. Move along.
EM: Bear's trying to make me move because he wants my spot!
BC: I want to nap there!
EM: But you made me move from another spot an hour ago!

BC: Phht. Beds are at my discretion.
MK: TECHNICALLY, those are The Boy's seat cushions.
BC: Phht. After Smellie and I were ROBBED! And we were left bed-less!
MK: That's not exactly ...
BC: CLOSE ENOUGH!
EM: Yeah. Because ten beds is the same as bedless.
{Pause}
BC: Come to think of it ... SISTERS should be at my discretion too. Heck. That airplane hanger sailed a long time ago.
MK: Bear ...
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... steal my bed and I'll leave you a message. BEEEEEEEEP! 
EM: Aww ... MAN! Bear's not home! I'm confused ...
BC: Because THAT'S a first!
EM: How is it stealing Bear's bed when I'm in the bed?
BC: I am being deprived use of the bed.
MK: Bear, we have so many beds, couches, and other sleeping spots. If your favorite is taken, they'll be at least one just as good spot elsewhere.
BC: Just as good? Is that all I am to you? What Bear wants, Bear gets.
MK: For weeks I've wondered how you two negotiate the cat beds seemingly so peacefully. I walk out here and you two have switched places and I don't hear a thing.
EM: Nothing peaceful about it! Bear just sits next to me and annoys me until I move.
BC: You're welcome.
MK: I'm well aware of Bear's tactics to end a discussion.
BC: Hahahahahaha. Bless your heart. You think we're having a discussion.
MK: Like this morning when I was buried in the blankets and you sat on my head because I wouldn't pet you and you had no other way to make me.
BC: I don't know why this is so complicated. Do what I want. Peace ensues.
EM: But what if we don't want to do what you're demanding?
BC: Phht. You give me no choice but to exert my dominance.
EM: Is that like peeing on something?

BC: Is that like ... NO big surprise you don't understand the concept of dominance.
MK: Why did I start sleeping with the covers over my head? Because SOME cat kept sticking his wet nose in my ear while I slept!
EM: Oh! That's a good one! I wonder who did that.
BC: Me, you IDIOT!
MK: Oh, wait! Or the time my drinking glass was at your favorite spot on the table and you said, "@*%^ this glass," and knocked it the floor.
BC: Which time?
MK: EXACTLY!
EM: That wasn't very nice!
BC: Phht. There is no NICE in DOMINANCE.
EM: Actually, there's an "N" and an "I" ...
BC: SHUT UP! Figures! My sister isn't dumb when it suits her.
EM: I'm not dumb!
BC: Shouldn't you be moving from MY spot?
EM: It looks like my spot.
{WHACK!}
EM: OWW! You have an attitude problem!
BC: No. I have a SISTER problem. MOVE!
EM: No.
{WHACK!}
EM: STOP IT!!!!!!
BC: Phht. I'm cuter in any bed than you are. They CHOOSE me.
EM: Phht. Hardly.
BC: Not the least of all because your butt is so big. You stretch out my beds.
EM: You're just mean.
BC: The truth hurts.
MK: Maybe we should get pictures of you two in all your favorite spots and let the readers decide who's cuter.
BC: Phht. Me. OBVIOUSLY. Like you have to even ask!
EM: I'm going to BURY you!
BC: Only if you sit on me!
MK: And here we go ... Readers? Who rocks the spot ... and who does not?







































BC: {AHEM!} You're still in my spot!
EM: I'm not moving.
{WHACK!}
EM: You better stop doing that or I'll open my can of brother whoop-ass on you.
BC: I'd like to see you try. Oh, wait. I have.
EM: You ain't seen nothing yet!
{WHACK!}
EM: THAT'S IT!!!!
MK: HEY! Cats!
EM: This doesn't concern you, Momma.
BC: Well, not until Smellie's in pieces.
EM: Phht. Like ...
MK: I have an idea! Bear, you don't like boxes right?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. I have taste. I expect more from my surroundings.
EM: HEY!
MK: I have a new box for you.
EM: Oh! Let me see it!
MK: Here you go, Ellie.
EM: Ooooh! This is nice! Very roomy. And comfortable.
MK: And the best part? Bear won't try to steal it.
BC: Just as long as you realize I COULD steal it if I wanted it ... which I do not.
EM: Yeah, right!
MK: Knock it off, you two! Ellie, how do you like the box?
EM: These flaps are in the way!

MK: Give me a minute ... try that.
EM: OH! This is MUCH better. My box is the bestest thing ever!

MK: Beautiful.
BC: Talk about a lack of standards.
EM: Now I must pimp out my ride.
BC: Phht. I'll pimp you out any time as long as it means I can buy my tasty whole chicken farm. NO! A tank!
EM: Shut up! Can't you tell I'm busy with my new bed? I have to concentrate!
BC: Phht. A BOX. Cat beds all over the world are rolling over in their graves.
{Silence}
BC: Just leave it.
EM: That really didn't ...
BC: THAT'S RIGHT! Don't come back! And stay out of my beds! I'm just going to curl up, bask in my dominance and sleep.


Featured posts:

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 6

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma, The Boy, and Bear are all cuddled up on the couch, napping; Momma, The Boy and part of Bear is covered by the blanket}
EM: Ummm ...
{Ellie walks in a semi-circle around the lump of blanket}
EM: Ummm ... GUYS?
{Pause}
EM: Oh, no! This is horrible! They're DEAD! What am I going to do for food? How am I going to get tuna? {GASP} And whose lap am I going to lay on? I can't be lap-less! That would be the worst! If it were just Daddy ... I could handle that. But no Momma? THAT'S A DISASTER!
{Pause}
EM: I should call for help, but I don't know the number for 911. CPR? I see them. How do I PR them?

{Pause}
EM: THIS ISN'T WORKING! Only Momma's and Daddy's heads are hanging out of the monster's mouth! The rest of them are in the evil monster! THEIR LAPS ARE GONE! GONE!  The very best parts of people ... are GONE! I KNEW Bear was telling the truth! There's a big bad wolf! And he ATE my people! Err ... well, most of them. Who's going to admire my pretty tail? Who's going to call me Baby Girl?
{Pause}
EM: {whispering} And who knows how many other monsters are hiding around here? But ... but ... who's going to protect me and keep me from being eaten? I know there are hungry monsters just waiting to pounce!
{Pause}
EM: What am I going to do? Maybe I'll try to give Bear mouth-to-mouth ...
BC: Don't even THINK about it! Not even if I'm dead.
EM: BEAR? You're ALIVE?
BC: OBVIOUSLY.
EM: You could've come back as an angel ... are you talking to me from the beyond?
BC: ANGEL?!? Hardly.
EM: You mean because you misbehave and could never be virtuous enough to wear a halo?
BC: NO! I'm alive. Because I'm TALKING TO YOU.
{The lump of blanket moves as The Boy growls in his sleep} 
EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's alive! It ate most of my people and Bear and now it's after me too! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
EM: Now that I'm safe under the bed, I'm NEVER coming out! NEVER.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Promise?
EM: {from under the bed in the bedroom} Err ... I AM hungry.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Is your entire back half hanging out from under the bed?
EM: {from under the bed} Err ... NO! {Looking at her bottom half from under the bed} NUTS!

BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I'll take that as a yes. You'd fit under there if you didn't eat so much every time you're hungry.
EM: {from under the bed} Umm ... speaking of being hungry ... I'm hungry.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} So's the monster.
EM: {from under the bed} Can you bring me food?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I can't! I'm half in the monster's mouth!
EM: {from under the bed} That's not very nice! You should tell the monster what for!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} It's too late for me.
EM: {from under the bed} You could just give the monster gas and indigestion. You're good at causing them. Though not from the inside ...
{Pause}
EM: {from under the bed} You're right ...
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} OBVIOUSLY!
EM: {from under the bed} ... I'm not THAT hungry. I'm good. Here. Under the bed. Don't tell the monster where I am.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} You just TOLD the monster where you are!
EM: {from under the bed} WHAT?!? He speaks ENGLISH? You said monsters only speak monster!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I'm being eaten by a bi-lingual monster with big teeth and all you can talk about are his language skills?
EM: {from under the bed} I wish I had an anti-monster remote.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} That's why I'm here ... I'm the monster slayer.
EM: {from under the bed} The only thing I've seen you slay is the facial tissue box.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} {AHEM!} And ...
EM: {from under the bed} THE PHONE BOOK!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I DID NOT ...

{Pause}
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Err ... Huh. I did do that. Why is it that everyone else remembers what I've done more than I do!?! I could write a BOOK!
EM:{from under the bed} You'd probably attack that too.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} No. I'd throw it at you.
EM: {from under the bed} If you're the monster slayer why are you half eaten?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Occupational hazard. I risk my life ... to save mankind. It's not an easy job ... but some tough guy has to do it!
EM: WHOA!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} A paw here ... an ear there ... I bet you could lose a ton of weight.
EM: {from under the bed} Fighting monsters?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} NO! LOSING body parts to monsters.
EM: {from under the bed} Err ... no thanks. Then again, if I had your string of a tail, I guess I wouldn't be upset to lose it. I'll just stay here under the ...
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} My string ... HMPH! Scary monster, SMELLIE'S UNDER THE BED!
EM: {from under the bed} HEY!
MK: That was a nice nap with my boys. Now it's time to go back to work.
EM: MOMMA?!?! How can you work at a time like this?!
{Pause as Ellie sees feet}
EM: {whispering from under the bed} OH NO! It found me! It's going to eat me!
{A face appears ...}
EM: {racing out from under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's got me! It's got me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! It's got big teeth ... and that sarcastic smile ...
BC: We can't help you ... we're eaten too!
EM: Oh, no! Oh ... {THUNK!}
MK: Ow! You ran right into my leg!
{Pause}
EM: My life is OVER! I should say my prayers! Lights out for Ellie Mae! Hmmm ... what if I pray to be delivered from this huge monster?
MK: Ellie?
EM: Momma? You're the huge monster?

MK: What? 
EM: How did you escape?
MK: Escape what? Daddy, Bear and I were cuddling and napping on the couch.
EM: AND I WASN'T INVITED?
MK: Umm ... YEAH, you were. You said you didn't trust the blanket not to eat you.
EM: Oh. That was a dirty trick you played on me! I'm very very mad at you!
MK: It wasn't a trick.
EM: So you really were eaten by a monster? Is Bear gone?
MK: Gone where?
EM: THE MONSTER!!!
MK: Ellie, there is no monster!  
EM: But Bear said ...
{Pause}
EM: So you mean Bear's still here?
MK: Yep.
EM: Ah, man! I was THISCLOSE to being an only ...
BC: I hear you!
EM: HA! You're in the jaws of the monster! You can't hurt ...
MK: Ellie, there is no monster!
EM: Err ...
{Pause as Ellie sees Bear}
EM: Hi, Bear.
BC: I think we have some things to discuss. String of a tail? Wishing to be an only child?
EM: BYE!
{Ellie runs back under the bed}
EM: I'm never coming out! I mean it this time!
BC: Yeah. Whatever. Like you won't come out for food. I'll get my monster friends to keep an eye out for you.
EM: OH, NO! I'm sorry, Bear! I didn't mean to insult you ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... okay, I DID mean to insult you, but I didn't mean the insult.
{Pause}
EM: Err ... I meant the insult ...
BC: Just shut up. You're even worse than The Boy when he digs himself a hole.
EM: So you're not going to sic the monsters on me?
{Pause}
EM: Bear? Bear!?!? BEAR!!!!!!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!?! Are the monsters waiting for me? Are they going to eat me?
MK: {at her desk in the family room} Hi, Bear.
BC: What are you doing?

MK: Err ... WORKING?
BC: One of those poor chumps that has to work ...
MK: Our posts are on a different website word-for-word! And they're being real jerks about taking them  down! First, they had us listed as an author on their website ... then when I complained, they changed the author of our work to someone else.
BC: Eh.
MK: Someone stole our content! And put her name on it!
EM: {out from under the bed} Content? Is that like pork?

BC: The blog is about me anyway! You're not a necessity! I'm the star! Am I still the star of the posts?
MK: Err ... I guess.
BC: See?
MK: Here. Look!
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: What?
BC: You're in my chair!
MK: Good grief. I have to get something to drink anyway. Don't get comfortable!
BC: It's five o'clock somewhere in the world ...
{Pause}
BC: {looking at the computer screen} Who's that handsome cat with the stripe-y pants? Oh. Yeah. It's me.

MK: {walking back into the room} I wasn't asking you to comment on your handsomeness.
BC: Tough crowd tonight.
MK: Move.
BC: No, thanks.
MK: Bear, I have to get back to work. And YOUR blog.
BC: That has a nice ring to it.
{Bear stays put}
BC: You. Work. MY blog. I should probably supervise.
{Pause}
BC: {noticing Momma's staring at him} WHAT?!?
MK: I need my chair so I can issue the takedown request!
BC: Phht. For cats, a swipe of the paw ... the bite ... all the takedown one needs.
MK: Sure. I'll send YOU to the offending website's host.
BC: Err ...

{Pause}
BC: {jumping down from the chair} I'll just let you handle it. Though I still don't understand what the big deal is!
MK: Bear, it's like if you barfed with perfect aim and perfectly formed and Ellie put her name on it.
BC: Phht. No one would believe that. 
MK: But it's not cool for someone else to steal your work, right?
BC: Phht. I don't work.
EM: Momma, are you comparing your work to barf?
{Bear snickers}
MK: Okay! It's like if Ellie scratched her scratcher really well and Bear took credit for the handiwork.
BC: Phht. It's a good thing I don't use the scratcher. It wouldn't even see me coming! Not the least because Smellie's the size of a ticked off hippo on steroids. I'd destroy that mother-meower in under ten seconds. But scratchers are for chumps that are scared of the furniture.
MK: ANYWAY. I'm going to start embedding text in our posts indicating they're our posts. I think if I put it in the post itself, it might get through someone just copying feeds. From now on, I'm going to include this in all our posts:
"© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com."
{Bear fake snores}
MK: I just have to do one more ...
{Pause}
MK: TADA! Now to include a watermark on our pictures ...
{Pause as Momma works}
MK: FINISHED! Bear? Ellie? Where did everyone go?
The Boy: LOOK! Our cat tree is in bloom!

BC: What are you looking at?
EM: WHAT?!?! Is the monster behind me?
MK: {mumbling to herself} Welcome to the Momma Kat household.

Featured posts:

Friday, February 15, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Where's Daddy? I thought he was home!
MK: He's sleeping. He drove for sixteen hours straight - the last couple hours in icy conditions.
BC: {from down the hall - to the tune of Paul Simon's song} Slip slidin’ away.
Slip slidin’ away.
You know the nearer your destination,
The more you’re slip slidin’ away.
MK: Bear, it's NOT funny.
BC: You're right. If something happened to him Smellie and my lives would be miserable like while The Boy was gone on this trip. NOT funny any all. We should demand hazard pay!
EM: But he didn't chase me!
MK: He was tired.
BC: He's home? I didn't see a big growling ogre ... well, besides Momma.
{Bear gets up from his napping and spot and notices the bedroom door is closed}
BC: {from down that hallway} WHY IS THIS DOOR CLOSED?

MK: BEAR! Shhhh! The Boy's sleeping!
BC: With tasty whole chickens?
EM: SCANDAL!
MK: Who said anything about ...
BC: {THUNK!} LET. {THUNK!} ME. {THUNK!} I KNOW YOU HAVE {THUNK!} TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN THERE! {THUNK!}
EM: That one had to hurt.
MK: BEAR! Stop throwing yourself against the door! The Boy is sleeping as he should. He doesn't need to deal with your nonsense.
BC: HEY! If tasty whole chickens are involved, it's never nonsense. But ...
{Pause}
BC: You ARE out here. That means you don't know about the chickens. Can you go in and make sure there aren't tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Sure ...
{Momma opens the door}
BC: {rushing in to the room} Never mind. You'd lie to me! Here, CHICKENS CHICKENS CHICKENS! Let me love you!
EM: DON'T BELIEVE HIM! HIS WAY OF "LOVING" OTHER LIVING THINGS IS TO BITE THEIR NECKS!

BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They don't have to know I want to eat them!
{Pause as Ellie snickers}
BC: RATS!
EM: So where are your chickens, Bear?
BC: I bet I JUST missed them! You know those chickens. VERY slippery and tricky. That's the only reason I haven't caught one yet.
The Boy: Wha? BuddyBear?
BC: Err ...
EM: DADDY! Chase me! Chase me!
The Boy: What's going on?
EM: Bear thought there were tasty whole chickens in here and Momma opened the door so he could see for himself.
MK: Not EXACTLY what happened ... but close enough.
EM: Chase me, Daddy!
The Boy: Daddy's tired, Baby Girl.
EM: PLEASE?!?
The Boy: Maybe later.
{Pause}
EM: Like now?
The Boy: This evening?
EM: You promise?
The Boy: Sure.
EM: Are you going to tell Bear off for being mean to me? And Momma for calling me Ellie Bellie?
The Boy: I ...
EM: NOPE! You have to chase me to touch me! BYE!
MK: She's getting really good at that. I'm sorry for all this. Bear! OUT!
BC: But I'm staking out the room for chickens! Don't tell the chickens, but I'm undercover.

MK: No. Daddy's sleeping! You can't be undercover in here.
BC: I don't know why I have to leave the ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Sheesh. Grumpy grumpy.
{Momma closes the door behind her}
BC: Wait a ... YOU LET THE CHICKENS OUT!
EM: {from down the hall - to the tune of The Baha Men's song} Who let the chickens out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
BC: Who let The Boy in? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
MK: What is this? Karaoke day at our house? Bear, can't we leave The Boy alone?
BC: NO! The door is closed! That means there are tasty whole chickens in there and you both are trying to hide them from me!
EM: Did someone say chickens?
BC: YEAH! They're in the bedroom!
EM: What are they doing in there?
BC: NOT being eaten!
EM: What can we do? Call the big bad wolf so he can huff and puff and blow the door down?
MK: Bear, you were JUST in there and there were no chickens.
BC: Phht. THEN.
EM: Maybe they're invisible chickens.
MK: You're not helping.
EM: If chickens are invisible, do you still hear them cluck? 
MK: ELLIE!
BC: If we ask the big bad wolf for help, won't he expect a commission of chickens?
EM: If they're invisible he can't count them. Joke's on him.
MK: This is ridiculous. You two are on your own. I'm not waiting around to find out what you two come up with next.
BC: More invisible chickens for us.
{Pause}
BC: {THUNK!} Let. Me. {THUNK!} In. So. I. {THUNK!} Can. Check. {THUNK!} For. Chickens! {THUNK!} I mean it! {THUNK!} I'm going to beat this door down! {THUNK!} Don't try ...

{Pause as the door opens}
BC: WHOA! I knew if I threw my body against it just right ...
The Boy: Bear, I'm sleeping!
BC: {running down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The growling ogre's after me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: We know! With invisible chickens!
The Boy: What?
BC: {running back up the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: Bear! It's just Daddy!
The Boy: Just?
BC: {huffing and puffing} I admit {HUFF} ... big bad wolf {PUFF} ... had {HUFF} skills.
EM: Yeah! But what he did to those little piggies wasn't very nice.
BC: Relatives of yours?
EM: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: If you don't need me, I'm going back to bed.
BC: DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! I know there are chickens in there!
EM: If they're invisible how will we find them?
BC: Hmmm ... a chicken whistle?
EM: Whoa! They make those?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. How else do you catch invisible chickens?
EM: You are so smart, Bear!
BC: I try not to brag.
{The bedroom door closes again}
BC: HEY! Chickens! Let. Me. In. I must do unspeakable things to those invisible chickens!

EM: {GASP} If chickens are invisible, can you still taste them?
BC: RATS! This is going to require some thought and research.
EM: WHOOOOOOOOOA. Maybe we ALREADY caught the invisible chickens!
BC: Hmmm ... have we caught the invisible chickens ... or have we NOT caught the invisible chickens? That's even more fundamental than, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
EM: The chicken!
{Pause}
EM: No! WAIT! The egg!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... that's a tough one. But it brings up a good point. Are invisible chicken hatched from invisible eggs?
BC: Then one could have invisible scrambled eggs!
EM: Invisible omelets! 
BC: Whoa! I wonder if making french toast with invisible eggs makes the toast invisible.
EM: This is good! This is good! All the fundamental questions of our day.
BC: Like WHERE ARE MY *&@^! CHICKENS!?

{Pause}
BC: DEPRIVING A CAT OF HIS CHICKENS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND JUST PLAIN WRONG! MY LAWYER WILL ...
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} What do lawyers do again?
EM: Lawing?
BC: My lawyer will law you! Ha! Take that!
EM: You have a lawyer?
BC: Will you just shut up? It's called bluffing! Let them think I have a lawyer.
EM: But you don't.
BC: {sigh}.
EM: Unless it's an invisible lawyer.
BC: And I worry about them taking me seriously ... in comparison to you, I'm a flipping genius!
EM: You can do flips? COOL! Show me!
BC: {sigh} Maybe later.
EM: Everyone keeps saying LATER!

Featured posts: