Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 6

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

• You may find the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
• The second episode may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2. 
• And the third episode in the series may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3.
• The fourth episode may be read here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4.
• You may find the fifth installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma, The Boy, and Bear are all cuddled up on the couch, napping; Momma, The Boy and part of Bear is covered by the blanket}
EM: Ummm ...
{Ellie walks in a semi-circle around the lump of blanket}
EM: Ummm ... GUYS?
{Pause}
EM: Oh, no! This is horrible! They're DEAD! What am I going to do for food? How am I going to get tuna? {GASP} And whose lap am I going to lay on? I can't be lap-less! That would be the worst! If it were just Daddy ... I could handle that. But no Momma? THAT'S A DISASTER!
{Pause}
EM: I should call for help, but I don't know the number for 911. CPR? I see them. How do I PR them?

{Pause}
EM: THIS ISN'T WORKING! Only Momma's and Daddy's heads are hanging out of the monster's mouth! The rest of them are in the evil monster! THEIR LAPS ARE GONE! GONE!  The very best parts of people ... are GONE! I KNEW Bear was telling the truth! There's a big bad wolf! And he ATE my people! Err ... well, most of them. Who's going to admire my pretty tail? Who's going to call me Baby Girl?
{Pause}
EM: {whispering} And who knows how many other monsters are hiding around here? But ... but ... who's going to protect me and keep me from being eaten? I know there are hungry monsters just waiting to pounce!
{Pause}
EM: What am I going to do? Maybe I'll try to give Bear mouth-to-mouth ...
BC: Don't even THINK about it! Not even if I'm dead.
EM: BEAR? You're ALIVE?
BC: OBVIOUSLY.
EM: You could've come back as an angel ... are you talking to me from the beyond?
BC: ANGEL?!? Hardly.
EM: You mean because you misbehave and could never be virtuous enough to wear a halo?
BC: NO! I'm alive. Because I'm TALKING TO YOU.
{The lump of blanket moves as The Boy growls in his sleep} 
EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's alive! It ate most of my people and Bear and now it's after me too! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
EM: Now that I'm safe under the bed, I'm NEVER coming out! NEVER.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Promise?
EM: {from under the bed in the bedroom} Err ... I AM hungry.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Is your entire back half hanging out from under the bed?
EM: {from under the bed} Err ... NO! {Looking at her bottom half from under the bed} NUTS!

BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I'll take that as a yes. You'd fit under there if you didn't eat so much every time you're hungry.
EM: {from under the bed} Umm ... speaking of being hungry ... I'm hungry.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} So's the monster.
EM: {from under the bed} Can you bring me food?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I can't! I'm half in the monster's mouth!
EM: {from under the bed} That's not very nice! You should tell the monster what for!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} It's too late for me.
EM: {from under the bed} You could just give the monster gas and indigestion. You're good at causing them. Though not from the inside ...
{Pause}
EM: {from under the bed} You're right ...
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} OBVIOUSLY!
EM: {from under the bed} ... I'm not THAT hungry. I'm good. Here. Under the bed. Don't tell the monster where I am.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} You just TOLD the monster where you are!
EM: {from under the bed} WHAT?!? He speaks ENGLISH? You said monsters only speak monster!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I'm being eaten by a bi-lingual monster with big teeth and all you can talk about are his language skills?
EM: {from under the bed} I wish I had an anti-monster remote.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} That's why I'm here ... I'm the monster slayer.
EM: {from under the bed} The only thing I've seen you slay is the facial tissue box.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} {AHEM!} And ...
EM: {from under the bed} THE PHONE BOOK!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I DID NOT ...

{Pause}
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Err ... Huh. I did do that. Why is it that everyone else remembers what I've done more than I do!?! I could write a BOOK!
EM:{from under the bed} You'd probably attack that too.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} No. I'd throw it at you.
EM: {from under the bed} If you're the monster slayer why are you half eaten?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Occupational hazard. I risk my life ... to save mankind. It's not an easy job ... but some tough guy has to do it!
EM: WHOA!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} A paw here ... an ear there ... I bet you could lose a ton of weight.
EM: {from under the bed} Fighting monsters?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} NO! LOSING body parts to monsters.
EM: {from under the bed} Err ... no thanks. Then again, if I had your string of a tail, I guess I wouldn't be upset to lose it. I'll just stay here under the ...
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} My string ... HMPH! Scary monster, SMELLIE'S UNDER THE BED!
EM: {from under the bed} HEY!
MK: That was a nice nap with my boys. Now it's time to go back to work.
EM: MOMMA?!?! How can you work at a time like this?!
{Pause as Ellie sees feet}
EM: {whispering from under the bed} OH NO! It found me! It's going to eat me!
{A face appears ...}
EM: {racing out from under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's got me! It's got me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! It's got big teeth ... and that sarcastic smile ...
BC: We can't help you ... we're eaten too!
EM: Oh, no! Oh ... {THUNK!}
MK: Ow! You ran right into my leg!
{Pause}
EM: My life is OVER! I should say my prayers! Lights out for Ellie Mae! Hmmm ... what if I pray to be delivered from this huge monster?
MK: Ellie?
EM: Momma? You're the huge monster?

MK: What? 
EM: How did you escape?
MK: Escape what? Daddy, Bear and I were cuddling and napping on the couch.
EM: AND I WASN'T INVITED?
MK: Umm ... YEAH, you were. You said you didn't trust the blanket not to eat you.
EM: Oh. That was a dirty trick you played on me! I'm very very mad at you!
MK: It wasn't a trick.
EM: So you really were eaten by a monster? Is Bear gone?
MK: Gone where?
EM: THE MONSTER!!!
MK: Ellie, there is no monster!  
EM: But Bear said ...
{Pause}
EM: So you mean Bear's still here?
MK: Yep.
EM: Ah, man! I was THISCLOSE to being an only ...
BC: I hear you!
EM: HA! You're in the jaws of the monster! You can't hurt ...
MK: Ellie, there is no monster!
EM: Err ...
{Pause as Ellie sees Bear}
EM: Hi, Bear.
BC: I think we have some things to discuss. String of a tail? Wishing to be an only child?
EM: BYE!
{Ellie runs back under the bed}
EM: I'm never coming out! I mean it this time!
BC: Yeah. Whatever. Like you won't come out for food. I'll get my monster friends to keep an eye out for you.
EM: OH, NO! I'm sorry, Bear! I didn't mean to insult you ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... okay, I DID mean to insult you, but I didn't mean the insult.
{Pause}
EM: Err ... I meant the insult ...
BC: Just shut up. You're even worse than The Boy when he digs himself a hole.
EM: So you're not going to sic the monsters on me?
{Pause}
EM: Bear? Bear!?!? BEAR!!!!!!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!?! Are the monsters waiting for me? Are they going to eat me?
MK: {at her desk in the family room} Hi, Bear.
BC: What are you doing?

MK: Err ... WORKING?
BC: One of those poor chumps that has to work ...
MK: Our posts are on a different website word-for-word! And they're being real jerks about taking them  down! First, they had us listed as an author on their website ... then when I complained, they changed the author of our work to someone else.
BC: Eh.
MK: Someone stole our content! And put her name on it!
EM: {out from under the bed} Content? Is that like pork?

BC: The blog is about me anyway! You're not a necessity! I'm the star! Am I still the star of the posts?
MK: Err ... I guess.
BC: See?
MK: Here. Look!
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: What?
BC: You're in my chair!
MK: Good grief. I have to get something to drink anyway. Don't get comfortable!
BC: It's five o'clock somewhere in the world ...
{Pause}
BC: {looking at the computer screen} Who's that handsome cat with the stripe-y pants? Oh. Yeah. It's me.

MK: {walking back into the room} I wasn't asking you to comment on your handsomeness.
BC: Tough crowd tonight.
MK: Move.
BC: No, thanks.
MK: Bear, I have to get back to work. And YOUR blog.
BC: That has a nice ring to it.
{Bear stays put}
BC: You. Work. MY blog. I should probably supervise.
{Pause}
BC: {noticing Momma's staring at him} WHAT?!?
MK: I need my chair so I can issue the takedown request!
BC: Phht. For cats, a swipe of the paw ... the bite ... all the takedown one needs.
MK: Sure. I'll send YOU to the offending website's host.
BC: Err ...

{Pause}
BC: {jumping down from the chair} I'll just let you handle it. Though I still don't understand what the big deal is!
MK: Bear, it's like if you barfed with perfect aim and perfectly formed and Ellie put her name on it.
BC: Phht. No one would believe that. 
MK: But it's not cool for someone else to steal your work, right?
BC: Phht. I don't work.
EM: Momma, are you comparing your work to barf?
{Bear snickers}
MK: Okay! It's like if Ellie scratched her scratcher really well and Bear took credit for the handiwork.
BC: Phht. It's a good thing I don't use the scratcher. It wouldn't even see me coming! Not the least because Smellie's the size of a ticked off hippo on steroids. I'd destroy that mother-meower in under ten seconds. But scratchers are for chumps that are scared of the furniture.
MK: ANYWAY. I'm going to start embedding text in our posts indicating they're our posts. I think if I put it in the post itself, it might get through someone just copying feeds. From now on, I'm going to include this in all our posts:
"© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com."
{Bear fake snores}
MK: I just have to do one more ...
{Pause}
MK: TADA! Now to include a watermark on our pictures ...
{Pause as Momma works}
MK: FINISHED! Bear? Ellie? Where did everyone go?
The Boy: LOOK! Our cat tree is in bloom!

BC: What are you looking at?
EM: WHAT?!?! Is the monster behind me?
MK: {mumbling to herself} Welcome to the Momma Kat household.

Featured posts:

• You may find the rest of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here:
• Crimes and Misdemeanors.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5.
• Bear's told Ellie quite a few ... fibs. For the most recent, check out:
• The Christmas calamity, part 2.
• Not my circus, but yes, they are my monkeys.
• Bear talks about the old days.
• Bite club.
• Ellie's fear of the Big Bad Wolf is discussed in: The big bad wolf, alien buffalos, and lots more nonsense.
• If you missed Bear's altercation with a tissue box ... Momma visits a tasty whole chicken farm. 

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

• You may find the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
• The second episode may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2. 
• And the third episode in the series may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3.
• The fourth episode may be read here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Where's Daddy? I thought he was home!
MK: He's sleeping. He drove for sixteen hours straight - the last couple hours in icy conditions.
BC: {from down the hall - to the tune of Paul Simon's song} Slip slidin’ away.
Slip slidin’ away.
You know the nearer your destination,
The more you’re slip slidin’ away.
MK: Bear, it's NOT funny.
BC: You're right. If something happened to him Smellie and my lives would be miserable like while The Boy was gone on this trip. NOT funny any all. We should demand hazard pay!
EM: But he didn't chase me!
MK: He was tired.
BC: He's home? I didn't see a big growling ogre ... well, besides Momma.
{Bear gets up from his napping and spot and notices the bedroom door is closed}
BC: {from down that hallway} WHY IS THIS DOOR CLOSED?

MK: BEAR! Shhhh! The Boy's sleeping!
BC: With tasty whole chickens?
EM: SCANDAL!
MK: Who said anything about ...
BC: {THUNK!} LET. {THUNK!} ME. {THUNK!} I KNOW YOU HAVE {THUNK!} TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN THERE! {THUNK!}
EM: That one had to hurt.
MK: BEAR! Stop throwing yourself against the door! The Boy is sleeping as he should. He doesn't need to deal with your nonsense.
BC: HEY! If tasty whole chickens are involved, it's never nonsense. But ...
{Pause}
BC: You ARE out here. That means you don't know about the chickens. Can you go in and make sure there aren't tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Sure ...
{Momma opens the door}
BC: {rushing in to the room} Never mind. You'd lie to me! Here, CHICKENS CHICKENS CHICKENS! Let me love you!
EM: DON'T BELIEVE HIM! HIS WAY OF "LOVING" OTHER LIVING THINGS IS TO BITE THEIR NECKS!

BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They don't have to know I want to eat them!
{Pause as Ellie snickers}
BC: RATS!
EM: So where are your chickens, Bear?
BC: I bet I JUST missed them! You know those chickens. VERY slippery and tricky. That's the only reason I haven't caught one yet.
The Boy: Wha? BuddyBear?
BC: Err ...
EM: DADDY! Chase me! Chase me!
The Boy: What's going on?
EM: Bear thought there were tasty whole chickens in here and Momma opened the door so he could see for himself.
MK: Not EXACTLY what happened ... but close enough.
EM: Chase me, Daddy!
The Boy: Daddy's tired, Baby Girl.
EM: PLEASE?!?
The Boy: Maybe later.
{Pause}
EM: Like now?
The Boy: This evening?
EM: You promise?
The Boy: Sure.
EM: Are you going to tell Bear off for being mean to me? And Momma for calling me Ellie Bellie?
The Boy: I ...
EM: NOPE! You have to chase me to touch me! BYE!
MK: She's getting really good at that. I'm sorry for all this. Bear! OUT!
BC: But I'm staking out the room for chickens! Don't tell the chickens, but I'm undercover.

MK: No. Daddy's sleeping! You can't be undercover in here.
BC: I don't know why I have to leave the ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Sheesh. Grumpy grumpy.
{Momma closes the door behind her}
BC: Wait a ... YOU LET THE CHICKENS OUT!
EM: {from down the hall - to the tune of The Baha Men's song} Who let the chickens out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
BC: Who let The Boy in? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
MK: What is this? Karaoke day at our house? Bear, can't we leave The Boy alone?
BC: NO! The door is closed! That means there are tasty whole chickens in there and you both are trying to hide them from me!
EM: Did someone say chickens?
BC: YEAH! They're in the bedroom!
EM: What are they doing in there?
BC: NOT being eaten!
EM: What can we do? Call the big bad wolf so he can huff and puff and blow the door down?
MK: Bear, you were JUST in there and there were no chickens.
BC: Phht. THEN.
EM: Maybe they're invisible chickens.
MK: You're not helping.
EM: If chickens are invisible, do you still hear them cluck? 
MK: ELLIE!
BC: If we ask the big bad wolf for help, won't he expect a commission of chickens?
EM: If they're invisible he can't count them. Joke's on him.
MK: This is ridiculous. You two are on your own. I'm not waiting around to find out what you two come up with next.
BC: More invisible chickens for us.
{Pause}
BC: {THUNK!} Let. Me. {THUNK!} In. So. I. {THUNK!} Can. Check. {THUNK!} For. Chickens! {THUNK!} I mean it! {THUNK!} I'm going to beat this door down! {THUNK!} Don't try ...

{Pause as the door opens}
BC: WHOA! I knew if I threw my body against it just right ...
The Boy: Bear, I'm sleeping!
BC: {running down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The growling ogre's after me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: We know! With invisible chickens!
The Boy: What?
BC: {running back up the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: Bear! It's just Daddy!
The Boy: Just?
BC: {huffing and puffing} I admit {HUFF} ... big bad wolf {PUFF} ... had {HUFF} skills.
EM: Yeah! But what he did to those little piggies wasn't very nice.
BC: Relatives of yours?
EM: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: If you don't need me, I'm going back to bed.
BC: DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! I know there are chickens in there!
EM: If they're invisible how will we find them?
BC: Hmmm ... a chicken whistle?
EM: Whoa! They make those?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. How else do you catch invisible chickens?
EM: You are so smart, Bear!
BC: I try not to brag.
{The bedroom door closes again}
BC: HEY! Chickens! Let. Me. In. I must do unspeakable things to those invisible chickens!

EM: {GASP} If chickens are invisible, can you still taste them?
BC: RATS! This is going to require some thought and research.
EM: WHOOOOOOOOOA. Maybe we ALREADY caught the invisible chickens!
BC: Hmmm ... have we caught the invisible chickens ... or have we NOT caught the invisible chickens? That's even more fundamental than, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
EM: The chicken!
{Pause}
EM: No! WAIT! The egg!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... that's a tough one. But it brings up a good point. Are invisible chicken hatched from invisible eggs?
BC: Then one could have invisible scrambled eggs!
EM: Invisible omelets! 
BC: Whoa! I wonder if making french toast with invisible eggs makes the toast invisible.
EM: This is good! This is good! All the fundamental questions of our day.
BC: Like WHERE ARE MY *&@^! CHICKENS!?

{Pause}
BC: DEPRIVING A CAT OF HIS CHICKENS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND JUST PLAIN WRONG! MY LAWYER WILL ...
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} What do lawyers do again?
EM: Lawing?
BC: My lawyer will law you! Ha! Take that!
EM: You have a lawyer?
BC: Will you just shut up? It's called bluffing! Let them think I have a lawyer.
EM: But you don't.
BC: {sigh}.
EM: Unless it's an invisible lawyer.
BC: And I worry about them taking me seriously ... in comparison to you, I'm a flipping genius!
EM: You can do flips? COOL! Show me!
BC: {sigh} Maybe later.
EM: Everyone keeps saying LATER!

Featured posts:

• You may find the rest of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here:
• Crimes and Misdemeanors.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3. 
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4.
• Bear's told Ellie quite a few ... fibs. For the most recent, check out:
• The Christmas calamity, part 2.
• Not my circus, but yes, they are my monkeys.
• Bear talks about the old days.
• Bite club.
• The big bad wolf, alien buffalos, and lots more nonsense.
• Bear has a history of trying to break down doors when he thinks tasty whole chickens are on the other side.
• A charitable mood?
• This never happened.
• Bear vs. the door to Ellie's room: The international chicken incident and Chaos loves company.
• Tasty whole fickens.
• I'm the sea mammal.
• Get me legal!

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

• You may find the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
• The second episode may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2. 
• And the third episode in the series may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3. At the end of the third episode, we discussed The Boy being out of town - and episode 4 also happens while he was out of town.

BC: Bear Cat Kat

MK: Momma Kat

EM: Ellie Mae Kat

BC: I finished my Valentine's Day tribute,"Road To Torties."

MK: ROAD?

BC: An ode ... but suggesting a road to realizing torties are perfection. Want to hear it?

MK: Do I have a choice?

BC: Not really.

MK: Go ahead.

BC: Torties are gorgeous shades of black and white and brown,

With unique personalities of much renown.

{Pause}

BC: To love torties is to know and grasp perfection,

Looking at their faces with endless affection.

{Pause}

BC: Torties are exquisite, unique, and know their minds.

Torties are the very best felines you can find.

{Silence}

BC: Well?

MK: Very ... creative.

BC: Do you think I'll ever get in a tortie's pants?

MK: Did you find one that wears pants?

BC: You're awfully perky with The Boy gone.

MK: I'm treating myself and that makes me happy. Bacon pizza. With whole strips of bacon! Doesn't get any better than ...

BC: {AHEM}. Forgetting something?

MK: WHAT?!? I didn't leave the stove on again, did ...

{Pause as Momma thinks}

MK: NO! You're RIGHT! I left a load of laundry in the dryer!

BC: {AHEM!}

MK: What?

BC: Doesn't get any better?

MK: You're right, Bear. You are better than a pizza. 

BC: Nice try.

MK: Now, doughnuts on the other hand ...

BC: Just keep digging, Momma.

MK: What do you mean?

BC: Try again.

MK: Try what again?

BC: What I want.

MK: I see you staring at my empty plate and then looking at me ... you want my pizza!

BC: Ding ding dong! Only you were selfish enough not to give me any.

MK: It's people food!

BC: Well, let me tell you ... you can't eat our kibble! Or our wet food! That's how you want to play this? FINE!

MK: Ummm ...

BC: OH! So now our food isn't good enough for you.

EM: {walking into the room} Did someone say ... FOOD?

{Bear uses the distraction to lick Momma's plate clean of the crumbs}

MK: {grabbing the plate} Give me that!

BC: Someone has bacon pizza and isn't sharing.

EM: OH! OH! Let me guess who!

BC: Ugh. What do you mean, WHO?

EM: So do I get to guess?

BC: Go ahead - knock yourself out.

EM: The big bad wolf!

BC: I don't know how I've survived this long. This is just ... painful. Stupid sisters AND mean pizza-hogging Mommas!

EM: I want some pizza!

BC: Momma's not sharing. 

EM: Why would Momma have the big bad wolf's pizza?

BC: BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE WOLF'S! IT'S MOMMA'S PIZZA!

EM: That's cold, Momma. You won't share with us?

BC: She ATE IT ALL! Well, except for the crumbs I licked from her plate.

EM: HEY! I want crumbs!

BC: Tell the doughnut butt piggy over here!

EM: Last time I called you a piggy and talked about how huge your butt is, you got mad at me.

BC: Not ME, you idiot! Momma's the piggy!

MK: How about we do wet food treat time now?

BC: Phht. You're not getting out of this THAT easy!

EM: Can we have tuna?

MK: Sure.

EM: I'm okay with wet food treat time being now.

BC: You have to stand up for your rights! Hold out against the injustices of Mommas!

MK: Tuna and whitefish?

BC: OH! It's wet food food time! It's wet food time!

EM: OH! Me first! Me first!

BC: The line starts here.

EM: But you got the pizza crumbs! And you always get your food first.

BC: There's a reason for that.

EM: Because otherwise you'll go ninja cat on one of Momma's favorite things?

BC: Phht. I AM her favorite thing.

EM: You've kicked your own behind more than once.

MK: Alright! All set! Food time!

EM: YAY!!!!!

MK: Here you go, Bear.

BC: Nope.

MK: WHAT?! You didn't even sniff it!

BC: I can just tell. 

MK: What's wrong with it?

BC: Tuna and whitefish. HARDLY.

MK: Fine. I'll just give your portion to Ellie.

{Momma comes back and sets down the empty plate}

BC: {AHEM!!!} Aren't you forgetting something?

MK: No. You wouldn't eat it.

BC: This is where you give me something I will eat!

MK: It's hard to know what that might be these days. ESPECIALLY because I suspect you eat the original food after I give you something else.

BC: LOOK! This empty plate is looking at me funny and mocking me!

{Pause}

BC: I'm being discriminated against for having discerning taste! I'm not going to stand for this in my own home!

MK: I'm going to refill the water dishes.

BC: OH! Now you're IGNORING ME. No one ignores Bear Cat Kat! I'll make you ... I'll ...

MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *&@^ the &*^!

BC: Whoa. I didn't even do anything yet! It's like a voodoo doll without the doll!

MK: You imagined me dumping a bowl of water in your cat cube?

BC: WHAT?! Now where am I going to sleep? Phht. Don't be ridiculous. I imagined you dumping it on Smellie. Two birds with one stone and all. But the water's supposed to stay in the bowl ... although I suppose you now could call the cat cube a water-bed. Hahahahahahaha.

MK: Okay okay. I'll throw all the cat beds in the washer.

BC: Don't you think a certain black fur-ball might benefit from the cold cycle?

MK: Bear, that's not even funny. Sisters don't go in the washer.

BC: You want to know what's not funny? MY PLATE IS STILL EMPTY!!!

MK: Alright. Alright. Let me get the wash started and then I'll give you some Squeeze-Ups.

BC: And they say you're a bad Momma.

MK: Who's THEY? Because you're the only one that's called me a bad Momma. I should talk to the Hartz people about promoting their product. It's the only thing you'll eat EVERY TIME. We aren't sponsored or compensated by them - but we should be! You love these things. Last week, when you turned your nose up at several of your favorite wet foods - you still ate them.

BC: Less talking. More feeding.

MK: Okay. Here you go, Bear.

BC: Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

MK: {Momma accidentally squeezes some of the Squeeze Up on Bear's back} #&*@!

EM: Hahahahahahaha.

MK: SHHHH!

BC: NUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUM ...

EM: Umm ... Bear?

MK: Don't you DARE! 

EM: He looks ridiculous!

MK: Better than when he acts ridiculous. 

BC: {taking a break} What's going on over there? Is my tail stuck in my ...

EM: Nothing!

BC: Good then keep it down so I can enjoy my snack. I love these Squeeze-Ups! It's like a party for my mouth!

EM: And that isn't all!

BC: What?

EM: Nothing.

BC: Why do I get the feeling you're laughing at me for something?

EM: Because I'm always laughing at you for something.

BC: And you wonder why I'm mean to you. How rude. Don't you have a toaster to stick your paw in or something?

EM: Phht. Even I'm not THAT stupid!

BC: Hey, now! I used to stick my paw in the toaster all the time!

EM: That's explains what happened.

BC: What happened to what?

EM: I'm going to take a nap!

BC: We were right in the middle of talking!

EM: I'm tired.

BC: I hear the toilet is comfortable. 

EM: Oh, shut up!

{Pause as Ellie considers where to nap}

EM: {GASP!} Someone stole our cat tree furnishings! Where am I going to sleep?

BC: I already gave you my opinion ...

EM: {LOUDER GASP} SOMEONE STOLE MY LAP BED while I ate my snack! We can't let these degenerates get away with this! Call 911! Call our lawyer! Call the president! Who would do such a thing? This is a disaster! NO! It's even WORSE than a disaster! It's a catastrophe! A cataclysm! The end of the world!

{Pause}

EM: Or maybe it ran away. But still ... who would do something like ...

{Pause}

EM: BEAR!

BC: What?! Now you, too? Why does everyone blame me for everything? I didn't do it!

MK: Ellie, I put all the bedding stuff in the washer.

EM: But WHY? 

MK: Because I dumped water in one of the beds.

EM: Does that make it a water bed?

{Bear snickers in the background}
EM: ALL of our beds are gone! My lap bed! The cat tree furnishings. The cat cube bed. The shark bed! Even the cover to the cat shelf!

BC: The Boy's gone. You know how Momma gets. All productive and buzzing around and acting lost and grabby hands and stuff.

EM: But where am I going to sleep?

BC: {GASP!} My cat cube! It's GONE!

EM: Are you even listening?

BC: What? Did you say something?

EM: I said ...

BC: No. Never mind. I'm not going to listen this time either.

EM: You should stop being mean to me! One day I'm going to be as big as you and you won't find it so funny!

MK: BEAR! Don't even ...

BC: Umm ... I hate to break it to you sister ... but we're within a couple of ounces of each other weight-wise. You're the size of a hippo!

EM: Then so are you!

{Momma snickers}

BC: Well, I ... YOU ... prepare to die! I don't have to take this!

EM: Leave me alone, Bear!

BC: I just want to hug you!

EM: While biting my neck?

BC: You'll be lucky if that's all it is!

{The cats fight for a good half hour - ignoring Momma's attempts to get them to stop}

MK: {coming out of the bathroom} Talk about major kitty trauma. Everykitty's restless and taking it out on each other. Who knew the beds were ...

{Momma stops in her tracks}

MK: OH! MY! GOODNESS! Group hug! Group hug!

BC: What the &*@%!?

EM: Haven't you seen two cats on the same couch before?

MK: Well, yeah. But you two are MINE!

BC: Define, "mine" because ...

{Pause as Bear looks at Momma}

BC: Oh, crap. She's starting to cry. Grabby hands always follow.

EM: What do we do? Ignore her? Run? I swear, I didn't even know you were here! What's the big deal?

BC: This is like the tenth time today she's burst into tears for no apparent reason! I tell you, The Boy goes out of town and we ALL suffer!

MK: OH! I think the beds are done!

BC: Phew. That was a close one. But still, she's going to come back eventually.

MK: {as she distributes the bedding around the room} Fresh bedding! I bet you two are going to love this! 

BC: {rolling his eyes} Right. 

{Momma continues to work} 

MK: There we go! All set! Which bed are you going to ... 

{Momma stops talking when she sees Ellie ...} 

MK: ELLIE! Don't you want one of the clean, warm beds?

EM: No, thanks. I have the bestest bed in the whole world.

BC: Phht. Somekitty doesn't get out much. Makes perfect sense that she loves The Boy ... talk about a lack of standards!

MK: Figures. I wash the cat beds and Ellie chooses a box. 

{Momma goes back to what she was working on when Bear interrupted her work ... until bed time.} 

MK: {seeing her bed} &^@% #$*# @$%! BEAR! 

BC: You're welcome. 

EM: What? What happened?

MK: Bear barfed all over the blanket on my bed! 

BC: That's what you get for misappropriating my cat cube! 

MK: If you love it so much, why aren't you in it? Noooo. You're in another bed. 

BC: Phht. I was in a doughnut bed kind of mood. 

MK: Bear! I just washed that blanket earlier! 

BC: See? Now I gave you something else to do so you don't have time to think about The Boy being out-of-town! You should be thanking me!

MK: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. 

EM: I think something's stuck in Momma's gears!

BC: Yeah. My butt! Hahahahaha.

Featured posts:

• You may find the rest of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here:
• Crimes and Misdemeanors.
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2. 
• Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3. 
• Bear's told Ellie quite a few ... fibs. For the most recent, check out:
• The Christmas calamity, part 2.
• Not my circus, but yes, they are my monkeys.
• Bear talks about the old days.
• Bite club.
• The big bad wolf, alien buffalos, and lots more nonsense.