Friday, November 29, 2019

Momma's birthday

Momma's birthday was this past Monday, and the cats were on their best behav ... Hahaha. I couldn't get that out with a straight face! We'll be celebrating Thanksgiving next week, so stay tuned for the turkey-related shenanigans.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

EM: Momma? When are you giving birth?
{Momma spits out her drink}
MK: Excuse me?
EM: Bear said ...
MK: Oh, here we go.
EM: Bear said it's your birth day and you're giving birth today. The baby won't eat me, right?
MK: No, Ellie.
EM: PHEW!
MK: No, I mean I'm not giving birth, it was the day I was born.
{Silence}
EM: Bear told me that for you to give birth, I have to be asleep and quiet - like with kids for Santa Claus.
MK: Oh, for Pete's ...
EM: I thought Santa's name was Nick.
MK: It's my birthday.
EM: How can you be born today if you were here yesterday!?
MK: Ellie, I've had over 40 birthdays.
EM: Is it true? Do you feed the babies to the dinosaurs?
MK: Ellie, haven't you learned by now that Bear is a bit ... untrustworthy?
EM: You say that but whenever he says, "Whap me again and you'll be sorry," I whap him again and I AM sorry!
MK: Did he tell you the truth when he told you you were a dolphin and could swim in the toilet?
EM: Well, no.
MK: And did we get you from the circus geek show?
EM: No.
{Pause}
EM: So it's not true that you got Daddy from the flea market?

MK: WHAT?!
EM: I told Bear it didn't make sense that you'd go to a market for fleas. And how can the fleas sell a person that could just step on them?
MK: Ugh.
EM: Is it true that Daddy performed in the flea circus?
MK: Where is Mr. Smarty Pants?
EM: Who?
MK: BEAR!
EM: Oh. Last time I saw him ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... I don't know where he is.
MK: What was he doing?
EM: You'll be mad.
MK: But not at you.
EM: Well, see, he was phoning the local bakery to find out if they do crab cakes big enough for a tortie to jump out of. He said it was for your birth day.
MK: BIRTHDAY! 
EM: That's what I said!
MK: Never mind. Where's he going to get a tortie?
BC: {sauntering into the room} What up?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Good. Whatever. If the doorbell rings, it's for me.
MK: Bear, did you tell Ellie I was giving birth today and giving the baby to the dinosaurs?
BC: No speako Englaish!
MK: You no speako truthio!
EM: I hate it when you all talk in different languages! I can't understand what you're saying!
BC: Do you really understand what we're saying when we speak English?
EM: Well, not always ...
BC: So where are the presents?

MK: What presents?
BC: For your birthday!
MK: There aren't any.
BC: WHAT?!? I have to wait until Christmas for my bow fix?
EM: If he gets the bows, I get the wrapping paper!
MK: One special day at a time ...
BC: But seriously? No presents? HOW RUDE! I deserve pre ...
{Pause}
BC: Err ... Momma deserves presents?
MK: Good catch.
BC: Tasty whole chickens, a bazooka, maybe a tank ...
MK: How nice of you to think of exactly the things I want for my birthday.
EM: Wait ... I thought those were the things Bear wants?
BC: SHE WAS BEING SARCASTIC!
EM: So she's not Momma?
BC: NO! She's Momma! And because she's Momma ... she's sarcastic!
EM: So sarcattic is her middle name?
BC: SAR-CAS-TIC!
EM: That's what I said!
MK: The party has started.
EM: REALLY?! Where is everyone?
BC: She's being ... oh, never mind!
{Pause}
BC: OH! Momma! Since taking care of me is your gift, you can stick a bow on me!
EM: Err ... I saw the last time something got stuck on you and it wasn't pretty. 
BC: Well, I didn't mean LITERALLY.
{Pause}
BC: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Momma! You get to share your life with me for another year!
EM: OH! What about me? Do I get to share my life with you?
MK: Of course!
EM: I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to Bear!
BC: It's not your birthday.
EM: Awww.

BC: What did you get Momma, Smellie?
EM: Err ... I didn't get you anything. Well, except for that stinky poop in the litter box.
BC: Oh! That reminds me! I have a well-formulated hairball to bestow upon ...
MK: It's okay. I'll take birthday cuddles.
EM: REALLY?!
MK: Of course!
EM: Cuddling with me is a gift to you? I thought you cuddled with me because I liked it.
BC: Barf.
MK: I like to cuddle with both my cats.
BC: But not at the same time. I have standards.
EM: That's one word for it.
BC: So how old are you, Momma?
EM: Eighty?
BC: One hundred and forty?
MK: You sure know how to make a girl feel special.
BC: You noticed? We underestimated you age to make you feel better.
MK: Great.
BC: Did you know Momma was alive when the dinosaurs ruled the earth?
EM: REALLY?!? Were they scary?
MK: No. Though the fire-breathing dragon was a bit spooky.
EM: WHOA!
MK: My first birthday cake was baked in a dragon's breath.
EM: REALLY?! It didn't have dragon slobber on it?

MK: No.
EM: That's cool!
BC: Maybe the dragons can teach Smellie how to eat kibble without slobbering on it. Thank goodness Smellie's breath isn't used to cook anything. NASTY!
EM: Do you EVER shut up?
BC: Look who's talking!
EM: HA! I can't because there aren't any mirrors out here!
BC: {mumbling} Lucky you.
EM: Momma, did you live in a cave?
MK: No. Caves weren't discovered yet.
EM: WHOOOOOA.
BC: Was it before the sun was born?
EM: Momma's older than the sun?
MK: Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me.
EM: Is the baby coming?
{THUNK!}
EM: Momma! Momma! Are you okay? When you hit your head against the wall like that it looked like it hurt!
MK: Not half as much as the preceding conversation.
BC: Whoa! There's a flat mark on your forehead now! Cool! Do it again! Maybe this time around the area of that huge nose of yours?
EM: I like Momma's nose! If it was any smaller, I couldn't bite it. But I guess I could always bite her ear. 
MK: You could always just NOT bite me.
BC: What fun is that?
EM: I bite Momma because I love her!

BC: So do I!
MK: Lucky me!
BC: Is anything older than you?
MK: Hmmm ... you know who IS older than me?
BC: Jesus?
EM: The Loch Ness Monster?
MK: I should know better than to ask a question.
EM: Who?
MK: The Boy! He's FIVE years older than me.
EM: WHOA!
MK: You know what else?
EM: WHAT?!
MK: And HIS birthday is Friday!
EM: He has a birth day and babies too?
MK: I quit. I quit! I quit!
{The doorbell rings}
BC: OH! It's for me! It's for me!
MK: So help me ... if there is a gigantic crab cake on our front porch ...
BC: FREAKY! It's like she can see the future ...
MK: Oh! A package!
BC: WHAT?!?! Where's my crab cake?!
EM: Maybe the tortie ate it.
BC: HOW RUDE!

Momma's presents:
Momma Kat can be a bit ... frustrating. Over the years, she's honed the ability to make up stories and sell them well to even the most discriminating of people. You might remember earlier this year when The Boy got up in the morning and asked where Bear was and Momma put on a first-class show of pretending she'd forgotten him outside. When she gets really lucky, the cats play along - as Bear did in this case by sneaking up behind The Boy. This year, The Boy's birthday presents for Momma were delivered while he was at work. He insisted she open them and she gave him a bit of a hard time. The dialogue picks up after Momma opened her first present (a cat sweatshirt) and was approaching the second one. I spent quite a bit of time trying to make the screenshots easier to read, but I will include the text and pictures below each screenshot just in case it's not readable for you.


The Boy: I figure you can wear your cat shirt while you pet your cat and write about cats and dream of being a cat.
MK: Oh! A blender!
The Boy: What???
MK: I missed the second package that didn't fit in between the doors. It's an [brand name] blender!
The Boy: No, really?
MK: The packing slip says so. Big box?
The Boy: Nope. It's not supposed to be.
MK: I don't know! You didn't get me a blender?
The Boy: NO! I got you something a lot smaller!
MK: A mini-blender?
The Boy: NO! You're messing with me.

MK: No. I'm not. Model number BLSTFG-C00-000.
The Boy: Then why do we have blender?
MK: Because clearly you ordered one!
The Boy: No, I didn't! I ordered you something much smaller!
MK: It's right here!
The Boy: They actually delivered a BLENDER??
MK: Isn't that what I said?
The Boy: Yeah. I'm p!$$ed!
MK: IT'S A BLENDER!
The Boy: We got someone else's blender!
MK: Wait ... so I can't use it to make the cat's smoothies?

The Boy: And they got your diamond ring!
MK: Tuna smoothies?
The Boy: Nope!
MK: I found a recipe!
The Boy: Groan. I'm going to text [retailer] when I get home if the other gift is not in the mail. I'm seriously ticked off!
MK: But I have to give back the blender?
The Boy: Yes.
MK: Ellie wants her tuna smoothie. https://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Tuna-Jelly-Protein-Shake
The Boy: We already have a blender and the [brand name] brand is crap. That looks truly nasty! Please tell me there is no blender and you are messing with me.

MK: [picture]

The Boy: If they delivered a blender rather than what I bought you, I am highly angry. No, Ellie, you may not have a tuna smoothie! Because the [brand name] blenders are crap and not worth making anything with. Wait, what is the black box on the table?
MK: [picture]

The Boy: You caught her mid-lick of her nose. Now what is that black box on the table? Three words. No. Tuna. Smoothie. What is that black box on the table???
MK: [picture]

MK: Yes, I like the cat pendant. Thank you. But Ellie's mad at you now.
The Boy: I like Ellie's look there. That's funny. Is it pretty and is there a blender?
MK: Yes. It's pretty. And there is no blender. But I laughed so hard I cried and Bear came out to see what all the commotion was.

MK: But I laughed so hard I cried and Bear came out to see what all the commotion was. [picture]

MK: Now Ellie's licking the label of the envelope.
The Boy: Laughed at what? Ellie, stop that! I posted that picture to Facebook.
MK: Isn't Bear adorable?
The Boy: No.

The Boy's Facebook post:


Back to the dialogue at home ...
BC: What's going on? Oh! Did you get presents?
MK: I already opened what The Boy gave me.BC: WHAT?! And I wasn't included?

MK: There weren't bows or paper. He's at work. But when my presents came, he demanded I open them right away.
EM: Momma got me all excited about tuna smoothies and then The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy broke the news that he hadn't gotten Momma a blender.
BC: Tuna smoothies? That sounds nasty.
EM: So do your farts, but we put up with them.

Pictures of the presents (Ellie excluded):


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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Friday, November 22, 2019

The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy

The Boy's home from his trip and he doesn't quite get the reception he expects. Bombshells are revealed and The Boy ends up in the doghouse! Welcome home, The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy!

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

EM: DADDY! You're home!
The Boy: Hi, Baby Girl.
BC: Oh, @&^*! He's back!
EM: You wouldn't believe what Momma and Bear did to me!
BC: Yeah. We looked at her.
EM: Shut up!
The Boy: What did they do to the prettiest and sweetest cat ever?
BC: What did I do to myself?
EM: I'M the prettiest and sweetest cat ever ... you're just a ... a ...
The Boy: Jerk?
EM: YEAH!
{Pause}
EM: The other night Momma and Bear took off and went somewhere and I WASN'T INVITED! I thought they'd left me ALL ALONE!
BC: Momma called you several times!
EM: I know ... but I couldn't find you!
BC: Darn.
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: Because you were worried that you wouldn't get your wet food treat?
EM:  I was scared!
BC: Phht. Like I am every time I see your face?
EM: OH, SHUT UP! NO ONE ASKED YOU!
The Boy: It's okay, Ellie. Ignore him!
EM: I do! MOST of the time.
BC: HEY!
EM: And then ... and then ... later that night ... Momma got out the toothbrush and Bear saw her first, so he got the hiding spot under the cat tree and he wouldn't let me hide next to him! He was MEAN!
BC: There wasn't enough room! You need a diet.
EM: We weigh about the same! So if I need a diet, you need a diet!

BC: I'm just fluffy!
EM: And I'm big-boned!
MK: Holy crap! They sound like us!
EM: When Momma put out our food plates, Bear got first pick and I had to eat whatever was left over!
MK: Now wait a minute ... I need Bear to eat. Seeing as you eat anything even semi-edible off the floor ...
EM: FAVORITISM! I'm going to found a support group for disadvantaged kitties that have to watch their siblings eat all matters of yumminess while they starve!
BC: As you just said, you weigh just as much as me.
EM: That's irrelevant! I don't like being left out!
MK: Holy *&@$, the longer she's here, the more she turns into Bear.
BC: HEY! She's NOTHING like me!
EM: {at the same time} HEY! He's a bad example! He should be in trouble!
The Boy: Ellie, you just have to realize that for a long time it was just Momma and Bear. They do their thing and it doesn't always include us.
BC: Phht. If I had MY way, it would NEVER include either of you!
The Boy: Really? How many times have you slept between me and your Momma?
EM: WHAT?!?! I got left out of that too? I wasn't invited!
BC: Phht. Invitations are for sissies.
MK: He's right. Bear does what he wants and doesn't wait for anyone to ask.
The Boy: Come sit on my lap?
EM: Erm ... well ... see, it's Momma and my snuggle time. Maybe later?

The Boy: I was just gone for TWO days! And you were JUST complaining about her!
EM: Well, yeah ... but she's my Momma!
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY she's MY Momma. I just loan her out for the services I don't provide.
The Boy: And what am I?
EM: Momma said if I can't say anything nice ...
{The Boy walks over and picks Ellie up off Momma's lap}
EM: {SNIFF} YOU SMELL LIKE ANOTHER CAT, DADDY! HOW COULD YOU?
MK: Uh oh. That didn't take long.
EM: You KNEW that he cheated on me?
MK: I saw the picture.
EM: THERE'S PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF HIM CHEATING ON ME?

The Boy: You see me and Bear all the time!
EM: Well, but the look on Bear's face always says he's just putting up with you.
BC: Huh. She's not as dumb as she looks.
EM: WHAT?
BC: Err ... nothing.
The Boy: Her name is Latte.
EM: YOU'RE ON A  FIRST NAME BASIS WITH ANOTHER CAT? YOU ARE NOT THE BESTEST THING EVER! YOU'RE THE WORSTEST THING EVER!
BC: Hey, this Latte chick? Is she a tortie? Because torties ... ARE HOT! And we could trade her for Smellie.
EM: Do you REALLY want to tick me off right now?
BC: Err ... no. I'm with you! How dare he! Have you noticed that your "Daddy" left you? Isn't that worse than not being able to find me and Momma? WE didn't leave you.
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} Not that I didn't try to talk Momma into it ...
EM: Hmmm ... you're right!
The Boy: HEY!
EM: Don't talk to me, The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy!
The Boy: Wait! So you forgive Momma and not me?
EM: She's the Momma! And I like her ear rubs. And she never smells like other cats!
The Boy: When we go to the park, she never pets any of the dogs either! I love petting the dogs. She's too worried about what you two might smell.
EM: YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH RANDOM DOGS?!
BC: Ooooh! Smellie's about to blow!
EM: I'm not allowed to blow! Remember? Last time I tried to give you a blow job?
{Momma spits out her drink}
{The Boy laughs}
The Boy: What goes on around here when I'm away?
BC: Your breath was stinky! Don't EVER blow on me again!

MK: I don't know if I'm relieved or confused. Ellie, why would you blow on Bear?
EM: He asked me to!
MK: You know what? I don't want to know.
EM: Bear said he wanted the wind-swept look for his photo shoot!
MK: Photo shoot?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: For the Banging Hot Torties centerfold!
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: That's not the name of the magazine! It's Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.
MK: WHAT?!?! You don't leave this house! When did this "photo shoot" happen?
{Pause as Bear considers a distraction technique}
BC: The Boy's in the doghouse!
MK: Wait wait ... photo shoot? Kitty Kitty Bang Bang? Is that supposed to be some sick play on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
BC: Shhh! Momma! You're dating yourself!
EM: This is the dog's house? I've never seen the dog. He won't eat me, right? How does he feel about us living here?
MK: WHAT?
EM: Bear said The Boy's in the doghouse! He's here! So this must be the doghouse!
BC: See what brilliance you missed out on?
The Boy: I want kitty cuddles!
BC: Don't look at me!
EM: Nope.
MK: I'm glad you're home.
{Silence}
The Boy: BUT I WANT KITTY SNUGGLES!
BC: Phht. I want a tank.
EM: OH! I like this game! I want a tuna farm!
BC: I want a bazooka!
EM: Err ... I want an endless supply of sparkle balls!
MK: I want a stiff drink, ibuprofen, and to find out why Bear's in Kitty Kitty Bang Bang
BC: I want to be an only child!
EM: I want to be a dog!

{Silence}
MK: I don't know where to go with that.
EM: Does that mean I win?
{Bear walks up to Ellie and WHAP!}
EM: OWWW!
BC: Did I smack some sense into you?
EM: Cents? I have money? I thought you put money in a piggy bank.
BC: Well, you ARE a piggy.
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: She's hopeless. I bet that Latte cat has more sense in her little claw than my stupid ... {seeing Ellie's face} ... err ... never mind.
{Pause}
BC: Put a leash on her, she's done!
EM: OH! I get my own leash? Do I get a collar? Do I? Do I?
BC: It's almost freakish! Put her and a dog up to a blind taste test and I bet no one could tell the difference.
{Pause}
EM: Do I get my own dog house?
BC: What a GREAT idea! OUTSIDE!
EM: Because I don't think I'd like that. I like being with my people all the time.
BC: I can't believe The Boy snuggled up with another cat. It's an OUTRAGE!
EM: YEAH!
BC: We're not talking to you anymore!
EM: YEAH!
The Boy: But ...
EM: YEAH!
The Boy: Should I leave?
BC: YES!
EM: Err ... I AM with my Momma ... sure. Why not?
The Boy: HEY! I'm your Daddy!
EM: No. You're The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy.
The Boy: You know what that means?
EM: What?
The Boy: If Ellie won't give me snuggles, I have to get them elsewhere.
{Bear turns green}
BC: Err ... Don't even think about it. Smellie, maybe he didn't mean to cheat on you ... or he was framed?

EM: I don't know. I don't see a frame.
The Boy: Come here, lover boy!
BC: HWK! HWK! HW ...
{The Boy drops Bear}
BC: {running away to hide} Thank you very much.
The Boy: Baby girl?
EM: NO!
MK: I'm glad you're home! We could cuddle!?
The Boy: But I want a cat!
MK: Fine. Ask a cat to make your lunch for tomorrow.
The Boy: Uh oh. I should quit while I'm ahead.
BC: {from the other room} You call this ahead?! You shot yourself in two feet, both arms, and dug your own grave! Nothing like a woman scorned ... much less TWO women scorned! Even I'M not THAT stupid!
The Boy: Honey?
{Pause}
The Boy: Honey?!
{Pause}
The Boy: Ellie?
{Pause}
The Boy: Ellie?!?


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Bear's pay-back

This post is the continuation of the story of Bear's last vet visit. If you missed part 1, you may find it here: Kitty trauma drama. While Bear felt traumatized in part 1, he musters the strength for pay-back this time around. Is anyone spared?

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
Vet tech 2: Giggles McGiggly (We meet Giggles in: Giggles McGiggly)

BC: HEY! If you're going to grab me there, you better respect me in the morning!
Vet tech 2: Hahahaha. Let's get you back to your Momma.
BC: Giggles, do I really HAVE to go back to my Momma? 
Vet tech 2: Yes, Bear.
BC: Do you have treats?
Vet tech 2: Here?
BC: NO! At home!
Vet tech 2: Hahahaha. Of course!
BC: Are your cats' food bowls overflowing at all times?
Vet tech 2: Yes.
BC: You're sure, right?
Vet tech 2: Yep. Why?
BC: When I met my Momma, she bamboozled me by making me think she'd give me tons of treats and a full kibble bowl ... and then when I was in her evil clutches, she stopped giving me treats every day and she let my food bowl hover around 98.427% full! I can ALMOST see the bottom of the bowl! I've tried to escape countless times, but she always grabs me! It's HORRIBLE, Giggles! HORRIBLE! 
Vet tech 2: Poor Bear.
BC: When she adopted me, she said I had to be nice to my sister because she was my only sister. She died and now I have ANOTHER sister! And don't even get me started on the litter box! Smellie might seem sweet - and a lot stupid - but her poop smells BAD. She smells bad! That's why I call her Smellie.
Vet tech 2: Haha. I'm sure it's not THAT bad ...
BC: And she won't let me buy a tank! She hides her tasty whole chickens from me! And her bazooka!
Vet tech 2: Ellie does this?
BC: NO! My Momma! Pay attention! Can you believe she BRUSHES my TEETH?!?
Vet tech 2: Sounds like she loves you.
{Silence}
BC: Whose side are you on?

{Pause}
BC: TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU! We could slip out the back and no one would know! We'll make a run for it! I'll be quiet! I promise!
Vet tech 2: YOU?!?! Quiet?
BC: Okay. Okay. I see what you mean.
Vet tech 2: I think your Momma would be upset if you disappeared.
BC: HMPH.
Vet tech 2: I think you love her so much that it messes with your need to be independent and your own cat - and you react - by complaining and showing her she's not the boss of you. You don't really mean it ... you're really a Momma's boy at heart.
BC: LIES!
Vet tech 2: Where's your favorite place to be?
BC: Err ... the pantry?
Vet tech 2: Try again.
BC: {mumbling} In my Momma's arms.
Vet tech 2: When you're scared or not sure where do you go?
BC: MY MOMMA! That woman would send the world to hell before she let something happen to me.
Vet tech 2: Uh huh. Every time she brings you in, she pulls you out of the carrier and sits down with you in her lap, wraps her arms and coat around you and holds you until we come in. And even more, you prefer to be there - while many cats prefer to explore the room.
{Pause}
BC: Holy smelly goose farts! I AM a Momma's boy! Don't tell my Momma! She'll get all uppity.

Vet tech 2: It sounds like the feeling is mutual and she loves you too.
BC: Do you know that she'll walk into a room where I am JUST to make sure I'm breathing? Like what's she going to do if I'm not? 911 doesn't answer our calls anymore.
Vet tech 2: WHAT?
BC: SOMEONE in our house, who shall remain nameless, got in BIG trouble for repeatedly calling 911.
Vet tech 2: For what?
BC: Let's see ... there was the empty food bowl ... actually, that call happened more than once. Then a call or ten reported missing tasty whole chickens. OH! And assault.
Vet tech 2: Someone was assaulted at your house?!
BC: ME! Momma clipped my claws!
Vet tech 2: So YOU made these calls?
BC: No?
{Pause}
BC: The last straw was when I caught Momma digging around in the litter box and I called 911 to report that someone had been murdered and my Momma was burying the body in my litter box!
Vet tech 2: Wow.
BC: I admit it was amusing to watch the police sift through my litter box.
Vet tech 2: Oh, NO! They didn't!
BC: How was I supposed to know that Smellie had out-done herself with a stinky poop that Momma wanted to cover? I thought she was burying The Boy!
{Pause}
BC: Or maybe that was wishful thinking.
{Pause}
BC: So, tell me the truth, Giggles. Is the vet a real vet?
Vet tech 2: Of course! Do you want to see all his fancy certificates on his office wall?
BC: His OFFICE? Is there stuff on his desk?
Vet tech 2: Yes.
BC: And papers?
Vet tech 2: Ummm ... I think.
BC: I want to see his office!
Vet tech 2: Can you behave?
BC: Is that a trick question? I just want to see if he's a real vet.

Vet tech 2: See? These are all his ...
{THUNK!}
Vet tech 2: BEAR! Did you just knock something off his desk?
BC: Err ... my foot slipped.
Vet tech 2: This was a bad idea. 
BC: Those papers look fake! Let me get a closer look ...
Vet tech 2: Okay ...
{THWACK!}
{THUNK!}
Vet tech 2: BEAR! You just knocked his vet school diploma on the floor!
BC: NO! WAIT! Let me paper surf! My Momma never keeps this many papers scattered all over!
Vet tech 2: I don't know ...
BC: You be the lookout!
Vet tech 2: Okay.
BC: {sliding one way across the desk} WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
{Pause}
BC: Surf's up!
{Pause}
BC: {sliding back across the desk} WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Vet: What's going on in here?
BC: Uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: *@&!#!
{THUNK!}
Vet: Was that a cat sliding across my desk? Interesting.
BC: MEOW!
Vet: AHHHH! Wait a ...
{Pause}
Vet: Why is there a cat in my trash can?
BC: Err ... no speako Englaish?

Vet: {leaning back out into the hall} Why is there a non-English speaking cat in my trash can?
BC: I think the better question is why your trash can is around me?
{Pause}
BC: {SNIFF SNIFF} Did you have a chicken sandwich for lunch?
Vet: I don't remember ...
BC: SCORE! Chicken AND cheese! Don't mind if I do ...
Vet: Did you knock my stuff off the desk?
BC: {while chewing some chicken} Erf ... noff?
Vet: There's an empty spot on the wall!
BC: {while chewing some chicken} Oofs? 
{Pause as Bear finishes chewing}
BC: HEY! This is a good sandwich! MUCH better than anything my Momma can make. And no vegetables! Why didn't you want the rest of it?
Vet: I DID want the rest of it. I left it out on my desk while I made a phone call.
BC: Oops. I guess I knocked it in the trash can with me. 
{Pause}
BC: {holding out the rest of the sandwich} Sorry? It still tastes good!

{Bear drops the sandwich on the floor}
BC: Oops.

Vet: How did you get in here?
BC: Well, see ... I saw all the papers on your desk and my Momma doesn't have papers laying around like that so I went paper surfing. I might've misjudged the stopping distance and I ended up in the trash can.
Vet: Not how did you get in the trash can ... how did you get in my office?
BC: I don't remember. One minute, I was safe inside my carrier, and the next, a band of wild aliens came running through and cat-napped me.
Vet: Aliens?
BC: Yeah!
Vet: Did you hit your head when you fell into the trash can?
BC: No ... 
Vet: Where are you supposed to be?
BC: The mother ship?
Vet: Wait a minute ... {shuffling charts} ... you're Bear?
BC: Err ... I don't remember?
Vet: Your Mom's in Exam Room 3?
BC: Holy cat crap on a cracker! I knew my Momma was a moose, but I didn't realize she was checked out by a vet too!
Vet: So you are Bear?
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, I'm Pooh Bear Cat Kat, First of His Name, King of the Momma Kat household, Lord of Tasty Whole Chickens, and Keeper of the Handsome Stripe-y Pants. But you may also call me Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. My fans call me B-Cube.
Vet: Interesting.
{Silence}
BC: AHEM!
{Pause}
BC: AHEM!!!!
Vet: What?
BC: You may bow before me.
Vet: Let's get you back to the exam room.
BC: Only after you bow.

Vet: To a cat in a trash can eating the rest of my lunch? 
BC: TECHNICALLY, I'm no longer eating your lunch because I tried to give it back to you and it fell on the floor.
Vet: Come on, big boy!
{The door to the exam room opens}
MK: WHERE WERE YOU!?! Giggles took off with you half an hour ago!
Vet: Giggles?
BC: Aliens.
Vet: One of the alien's names was Giggles?
BC: NO! Giggles, the vet tech! But I was abducted by aliens!
MK: Gary and Larry?
BC: YES!
Vet: Wait ... you see them too?
MK: Well, no ... but Gary and Larry only make an appearance when some cat has been misbehaving.
BC: There's another cat here?! I didn't see him.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Err ...
Vet: I found him in the trash can in my office.
MK: BEAR!
Vet: My office is a mess.
MK: BEAR! What did you do?
BC: I'm an outlaw. Throw me in the slammer and throw away the key. Tell all the torties I'm bad to the bone.
Vet: He also ate my lunch.
MK: BEAR!
BC: It was an accident!

MK: BEAR!
BC: Err ... MOSTLY an accident.
MK: BEAR!
BC: You really need to work on your vocabulary! All you keep saying is BEAR! No wonder our blog sucks!
Vet: I guess I don't have to ask about his appetite.
BC: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRP.
MK: BEAR!
Vet: {leaning out the exam room door} Can we get a tech in here?
{Pause}
Vet: Where is everyone?
BC: Maybe next time you'll believe me about those aliens.
Vet: Or they're cleaning up my office.
BC: Oh, by the way ... I think your vet techs might be scared of me.
Vet: Interesting.
BC: So are you going to ban me from coming back here?
MK: BEAR!
Vet: IN-TTERRRRRESTING.
BC: SHEESH! What is this, the twilight zone? SHE keeps saying my name and you keep saying "interesting!" "Bear! Interesting. BEAR! Interesting. Bear! Interesting!" And you think I have a head injury?
MK: BEAR!
Vet: Interesting.
BC: ARG! FINE! I knocked the diploma off the wall! I knocked the coffee cup off the desk! I paper surfed into the trash can and knocked papers off the desk! And I ate a chicken and cheese sandwich. Just stop saying ...
MK: BEAR!
Vet: Hmmm ... interesting.
BC: {sigh} Humans. I clearly expect too much.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Watch where you stick that! You seem to be enjoying doing that a little too much!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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