Tuesday, June 18, 2019

The secret

If your cat could take pictures, what do you think he would take pictures of? Would the pictures be of things he loves, his masterpieces, his human's most embarrassing moments, or of himself?

 BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

 MK: I only need one more picture for this post. OH! I know which folder to look in!
{Silence}
MK: WHAT?!?!?!?! Where did these pictures in this folder come from?

{Pause}
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Do what?
BC: Err ... don't try to trick me into admitting something else I did because I think that's the one you know about.
MK: HOW MANY SECRETS ARE THERE?!
BC: Hard to tell. But even if I could, it'd be a secret.
MK: Bear!
BC: Did you find the pile of barf under the couch?
MK: WHAT?!?! How did you manage to barf UNDER the couch!?
BC: Ask Smellie.
EM: Well, see, my sparkle ball went under the couch and then I saw food on the floor so I tried to eat it, but I just pushed most of it under the couch.
BC: She's like a ... well, you know! Her wet food always manages to be pushed off the plate.
MK: Okay. So there's one secret ... how many more are there?
BC: Err ... did you find the bug and bug leg graveyard?
MK: WHAT??!?!
EM: Why do you keep saying that, Momma?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Let's see ... one ... two ... eight ... fourteen ...
MK: THERE ARE FOURTEEN SURPRISES AROUND HERE?!?
BC: NO!

MK: Oh. Phew.
BC: I wasn't done counting.
EM: Don't forget about the {hushed mumbling as Ellie whispers in Bear's ear}.
BC: Hahahaha! Yeah! That one was classic!
MK: WHAT?!?! Ellie, if you don't tell me what you know, that makes you an accomplice.
EM: Okay. Bear and I will finally be friends if I'm his accomplice!
MK: That means you get in trouble too!
EM: Well, to be honest, Bear's been grounded since I moved here and he still does what he wants.
MK: BEAR?!?! Are you happy with yourself now that you've corrupted your sister?
BC: I just pointed out ...
MK: And you could figure out how to use the camera?
BC: Phht. How hard can it be? YOU can use it!
MK: So you DID take these pictures? Because the folder is named "Bear pic."
BC: I was framed!
MK: By who?
BC: EVERYONE! It's an EVERYONE conspiracy! Because I won't give my brain for science!
EM: Why would science want YOUR brain?
BC: You're just jealous they don't want yours. Oh, wait. You don't have one.
EM: I'm not the cat stupid enough to get tricked into telling Momma what he did.
BC: HA! She didn't trick me! I caught her!
EM: So how did she know about the barf under the couch? And the bug graveyard?
BC: $%(*&. This SUCKS big tulip testicles! Mommas are tricky!
MK: Did you forget to take the lens cover off?

BC: NO! Doesn't that sound like something Smellie would do?
MK: Well, considering this picture of Ellie's behind and the other picture of her behind with an elephant face drawn in ...


EM: WHAT?!?!? How rude!
BC: She's a Smellie-phant! Hahahahaha.
EM: So THAT'S what you were doing on Momma's computer last night!

MK: WHAT?!?! Bear, you're not supposed to touch my computer!
BC: There's one less secret ...
MK: Ellie, why didn't you tell me? Did Bear threaten you?
EM: No. I had finally fallen asleep after a long time of Bear chasing me for pictures.
BC: LIES!
MK: Bear, Ellie couldn't have taken a picture of her own butt!

EM: What's wrong with you?!? I thought you were just being annoying! You took pictures of my butt!?! Though, I must admit ... it is very pretty. See that?!? My floofy behind is the best behind ever!
BC: Why did you think I had a camera?
MK: ELLIE?!?! You SAW Bear using my camera?
EM: Ummm ...
BC: She can't help it, she's not very smart.
EM: HEY! I'm not the one that got tricked into admitting ...
BC: And how does Momma know you saw me using her camera?
EM: *@&! And I thought I was smarter than the average bear.
BC: Phht. Nothing about me is average. I'm spectacular.
MK: Hmmm ... a selfie gone wrong or did you not know which way to point the camera?

BC: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: {walking in the front door} Hey! What are you all up to?
EM: Bear used Momma's camera to take a bunch of dumb pictures!
BC: They're not DUMB! Well, at least the ones that aren't you aren't dumb.
MK: Oh! Look! He caught you picking your nose!
The Boy: I don't pick my nose!
MK: Ummm ...

BC: You're lucky I didn't get a picture of you walking around here without pants! Talk about revenge! That would teach you not to walk around without pants!
The Boy: Look at this one! He got a picture of you walking into a wall!
MK: WHAT?!?!? BEAR! I KNEW I heard giggling!

The Boy: OH! Look at this one! Hahahahahaha. He got a picture of you sleeping with your mouth open and your tongue out! Hahahahaha.
MK: WHAT?!?! LET ME SEE THA ...

{Pause}
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: Hey. It's not my fault you all give me such great material! And that picture of you sleeping is fair revenge for the time you took a ton of pictures of me sleeping with my tongue out!

MK: Wait a ... what's in this picture?
BC: Nothing.
MK: That's your paw! You got your paw in front of the lens!
BC: Maybe it was a threat.
MK: Hahahaha. Mr. Big-Time photographer forgot to take the lens cover off, didn't know which way to point the camera, and even better ... got his paw in front of the lens taking a picture.
The Boy: WHOA!!! Look at this one of Momma's butt!

BC: I call that one, "The last thing a fool sees."
The Boy: Hahahahahahahahaha.
MK: Stop encouraging him!
BC: Phht. You should know by now that I don't require any encouragement!
MK: BEAR! You took a picture of your barf?

BC: No. That image just popped in the camera on its own.
MK: I might regret asking this ... but why did you take a picture of your barf?
BC: Because it's a work of art and I am an artiste! I call this one ... "The Vomit Comet."
MK: Wait a minute ... I never saw this pile! 
BC: Smellie might have something to do with that.
MK: EWWWW! You are SO grounded.
BC: I SO don't care! 
EM: Hahahaha. That was a good one!
MK: STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!!! 
EM: Stop being mean to him!
MK: Have you forgotten all the lies he's told you? His barfing on your scratchers? Licking you so that you'll move and he can steal your spot?
EM: He says he did all that because he loves me! I've never had a brother before! And he LOVES me.
MK: So let me get this straight ... he lies to you and yet you believe him when he says he loves you?
BC: Are you saying Smellie's not lovable?
EM: YEAH!
BC: With the money I get for uploading these pictures to the internet ...
MK: Don't you DARE!
EM: But how else am I going to get my tasty whole tuna farm?
MK: Ah. So THAT'S why you're being so nice to him. Your corruption is complete.
EM: I'm corrupted? Isn't that bad?
BC: Phht. She's just EDUCATED.
EM: Well, that doesn't sound so bad ... 
MK: Why'd you take a picture of your food bowl?

BC: PROOF!
MK: Umm ... of what?
BC: It's empty! Those ninnies at 911 didn't think an empty food bowl is an emergency! It's almost like they didn't BELIEVE me! Now I have proof!
MK: The bowl is full!
BC: How dare you say that!
MK: Ellie, is this food bowl full?
EM: I think it's a matter of perspective! You know, is the bowl half empty or half full?
MK: But this isn't a philosophical discussion!
EM: It looks full to me ...
BC: WHAT?!?!
EM: Err ... for the bowl being empty.
BC: HA!
MK: That doesn't even make sense!
BC: Phht. She's a female. She's not supposed to make sense.
EM: HEY!

MK: I swear, it's like she's Bear's mini-me!
BC: Yeah. When the mini-me is actually the size of a house!
EM: You said you weren't going to make fun of my size anymore!
BC: But I WASN'T making fun of your size! I was just telling the truth!
EM: I don't like you very much anymore!
BC: Good! Because I don't like you at all!
EM: {GASP!} I KNOW WHERE THE BODIES ARE!
BC: HEY!
MK: Bodies?!? One of his secrets includes BODIES?
EM: Insect bodies, yes.
MK: Oh. Phew.
The Boy: HEY! Wait! There are two more folders ... one marked "Dumb@$$" and the other marked, "Handsome." Oh! Look at this!
MK: WHAT?!?! BEAR! Where did you get these?
BC: I took them!
MK: Oh?
BC: RATS!
MK: You took pictures of me after I'll fallen backward in my desk chair? I could've been hurt!
BC: Were you?
MK: No.
BC: HA!
MK: And what's this?
BC: Remember when you fell off that chair changing the light bulb? OH! Here's a good one ...
{Pause}
BC: How many Mommas does it take to change a light bulb?
EM: How many?
MK: ELLIE!
EM: I'm just curious!
BC: I don't know! She keeps falling off the chair!
The Boy: WHAT?!?! You didn't tell me about that! You could've been hurt!
BC: BUSTED! Now what do you have to say, Miss Smarty-Pants!?
MK: {trying to change the subject} What's in the handsome folder?
BC: What do YOU think?
{Momma flips through the pictures}




EM: You took a picture of your tail? What's the big deal about it? It's thin and NOT bushy unlike mine!
BC: Stay tuned for part two!
MK: Not from this camera.
BC: Daddy? I love you, Daddy!
{Silence as The Boy looks around}
BC: You! The Boy!
The Boy: Err ...
BC: Thank you for giving me the idea to take pictures and sell them on the internet.
MK: WHAT?!?!?!
The Boy: Err ... oops?
BC: Can I borrow your phone?
The Boy: Asking your DADDY ... sure!
{Click!}
MK: Should've seen that coming.
BC: Oops. I pointed it the wrong way.

The Boy: GIVE ME THAT! All that Daddy stuff and you didn't mean a word!
BC: And Momma said you're stupid!
The Boy: HEY!
MK: WHAT?!?! I NEVER said that!
BC: Oh, yeah. I said that. Don't hate me for my artistic talents!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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Friday, June 14, 2019

Order in the court!

Momma makes a big deal about both cats sharing the same window. Bear plans his revenge but he's foiled at every turn by a certain black cat sister.

 BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

 MK: Oh, hi, Ellie! I didn't realize you were in Bear's window.
EM: Meow mew m'row!
BC: It's a travesty! I have to SHARE with HER.
MK: Wait a minute ... BEAR?!?!?! {Loud squeal} You two are SHARING the window?
BC: Phht. We're on the same window sill four feet apart. We're not sharing any thing. And it's insulting that you think I would lower myself to sharing my window with my sister.
EM: Mew me'ow!
BC: SHUT UP! 

{Pause}
BC: Isn't it bad enough that I have to see you? But hear you too?
The Boy: {running into the bedroom} WHAT?!?! What's wrong? I heard you squeal. Is everything okay?
BC: NO! Nothing will ever be okay again! I have a stupid sister that ruins everything!
The Boy: You mean a sisfur?
BC: I mean a fat and obnoxious girl cat who thinks she lives here.
EM: I DO live here!
BC: I know! That's why nothing will ever be okay again!
EM: I'm not so bad!
BC: Said every dictator and tyrant EVER!
EM: You're the one that acts like a dictator and tyrant! I'm sweet and a good cat!
BC: Yeah. Sweet to beat up. And a cat only in name.
EM: You can't beat me up. You always try and you always fail.
BC: Because a certain Momma protects you.
EM: Phht! I'm her favorite!
BC: Take that back!
EM: Phht!
BC: Momma likes a challenge. And she needs me.
MK: You two are so cute! I'm going to run outside and take pictures of you two in the window together.
BC: I thought we were over this.
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! MOMMA! You're wearing your pajamas!

MK: But if I stop to change ...
BC: RATS! My attempts to stall her are foiled! At least she lost the bunny slippers.
{Momma leaves the room to run outside - grabbing her camera on the way}
BC: Get out of my window, Smellie!
EM: I have every right to be here!
BC: Stop being difficult and just MOVE, Smellie!
EM: You can't make me!
BC: Oh, really?
EM: STOP LICKING ME!!!
BC: You're blocking the exit to my window.
EM: It's my window too!
BC: Whatever! Just move before Momma gets a picture of us in the same window!
EM: I don't understand what the big deal ...
BC: I have street cred to think about!

EM: So do I!
BC: Being annoying isn't street cred. If you had street cred, it wouldn't hurt mine to be seen with you.
EM: You don't want to be seen with me?
{The front door opens}
BC: SMELLIE!
EM: Huh?
BC: MOVE! If Momma gets pictures of this I'll never hear the end of it! My bros will call me a Smellie-lover and - even worse - a SHARER. Yuck!
EM: So? Maybe your bros are just stupid!
BC: So what?
EM: Ask nicely.
BC: For what?
EM: Me to move! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
BC: I DON'T CARE HOW YOU CATCH YOUR FLIES ... JUST MOVE!
EM: It's a saying!
BC: OH! There she is! PLEASE move!

EM: Okay!
BC: {running out the window behind Ellie} Phew. That was close.
MK: {walking back inside} Where did you two go? Hello?!?! Where did everyone go?
The Boy: The cats took off down the hall.
MK: Together?
The Boy: I think so.
MK: I don't hear anything.
{Silence}
The Boy: So?
MK: When these two are quiet .... either one - they are up to something, or two - they're eating. The food bowls are in the other direction so ...
The Boy: How much trouble can two cats get in?
MK: You clearly never met Bear in his prime.
The Boy: It couldn't have been THAT bad.
MK: When he wanted attention things got messy. He got his paw stuck in the toaster ... more than once! He got his back paw stuck in a jar of peanut butter. Then there's the plastic bag handle he got stuck around his body. He cleaned off the shelf behind the toilet into the toilet more times than I can count. Carpet, furniture ... that boy was a force of nature!
EM: Momma!
MK: Hi, Ellie.
EM: Bear says I have to give this to you.

MK: What is it?
EM: We're suing you.
MK: Excuse me?
EM: You've been served.
MK: Unpaid wages?! Cruel and unusual punishment? Neglect? Hostile and annoying work environment? Refusing a contract? Are you two for real?

EM: We mean business, Momma.
MK: Sounds like a kangaroo court.
EM: Bear! You're right! She's not even listening to us! NO! It's for CATS not kangaroos!
MK: What the ...
EM: The Judge Bear Cat Kat presiding.
MK: WHAT?!?! The plaintiff can't be the judge!
BC: I'll be the judge of that. Now, Bailiff Smellie, address me properly.
EM: Judge Moody presiding.
MK: Judge Moody ... Judge Judy ... hahahahaha.
BC: SILENCE! Smellie, what did I say?
EM: Silence!
BC: NO! About how I am to be addressed!
EM: You're being addressed? Where's Momma sending you?
BC: FINE! If one wants something done right, he must do it himself. {AHEM}
{Pause}
BC: The most honorable Bear Cat Kat presiding.

EM: Most honorable? Hahahahahaha.
BC: QUIET in the court!
MK: Okay. This is just plain ridiculous. The cats' court? The plaintiff and the judge are the same cat? WHAT?!?!?! $93,724,681?!?
BC: And sixty-seven cents!
MK: What's that for? I'm kind of suspicious as to how you came up with that number.
BC: I'll be the judge of that.
MK: YOU CAME UP WITH THE NUMBER!
EM: Don't be mean to him! He didn't actually come up with the number, he just pulled that number out of his @$$! 
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: SILENCE IN THE COURTROOM! YOU! The witness! No talking until I tell you you can talk.
EM: I thought I was the bailiff?
{Bear glares at Ellie}
EM: Sorry, your royal heinie.
{The Boy and Momma chuckle}
BC: HIGHNESS! My royal HIGHNESS!
EM: But you're sitting on the table! That's not really high.
BC: Let's hear the evidence!
EM: There isn't any.
BC: I'M THE JUDGE! YOU'RE THE JURY ... SO SHUT IT!

EM: I thought I was the witness! And the bailiff.
BC: You are what I tell you you are!
MK: This is forked up. Then again, what would one expect from The Cats' Court?
EM: You know, she's kind of right.
BC: A hostile witness!
EM: How do I know what I am at any given time?
BC: I TELL you! If I tell you you're an annoying sister ... you're an annoying sister! If I tell you to jump off a bridge ... jump off a bridge. Now stop interrupting me!
MK: Talk about judge, jury and executioner.
EM: But we don't want to kill you, Momma! We just want money to buy a tasty whole chicken farm, a tuna farm, two tanks, some bazookas ...
BC: Don't forget the tiara!
EM: But I don't want a tiara!
BC: NO! For me!
EM: But you can't wear a tiara! You're a boy!
BC: Are you saying boys can't be princesses?
EM: YES!
BC: Fine. Then you can't be smart because you're not a boy!
EM: I have just as many balls as you do.
BC: Irrelevant!
{Momma and The Boy chuckle}
BC: Oh, yeah. Make fun of the guy who was knocked out only to have his balls rudely removed from his person.
EM: You mean catson? 
BC: WHAT?!?!
EM: Because you're not actually a person.
BC: Oh, shut up! And stop heckling the judge! Off with her head!
EM: Hmph. Well, that's not very nice! Be your own bailiff, witness and jury!
BC: FINE! I will!
EM: I'm going to join the defendant and testify against you!
BC: You can't!
EM: Why not?
BC: BECAUSE I SAID SO!
EM: That's exactly why I quit being whatever you say I am.
BC: You can't QUIT until I tell you to quit! YOU'RE FIRED!
EM: GOOD! Then I'll testify against you!
BC: I thought you wanted a tasty whole chicken farm, a tuna farm, two tanks, some bazookas ...
EM: You wanted all that stuff! I just wanted a tuna farm so I went along with your obnoxiousness.
BC: Make that claim $93,224,681! How do you like that?
EM: Now you're being reasonable!
BC: No tuna farm.
EM: WHAT?!?! That's not fair!
BC: I'm not fair! I'm right!
EM: Then you're not honorable!
BC: Say that to my face!
EM: YOU'RE. NOT. HONORABLE!
BC: You ruined everything!
EM: No. You did that with your nonsense.
BC: Just because you don't understand it doesn't make it nonsense.
EM: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IT, except YOU! And you're biased.
BC: Order in the court! Order in the court! One more word and I'll find you in contempt!
EM: Dumb@$!
BC: That's it! Your fine is $502,229,731. 89!
EM: I didn't say a whole word! It was missing a letter!
MK: D@mn. I think she out-catted the cat.
BC: I ... YOU ... THIS ... ARG! I need a nap! Hold my calls.
EM: But no one ever calls you!
BC: Oh, shut up, Traitor McTraitor.
EM: Better than being a royal heinie.
MK: I think this court is over.
EM: YEAH!
BC: NO! I didn't SAY it's over!
EM: You said you need a nap!
BC: Phht. I can hear the case sleeping just as well as I can awake! 
EM: Because you wouldn't listen to anyone else either way!?!
BC: SILENCE! SILENCE IN THE COURT! Oh, @*&^. Forget it. I'm taking a nap.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Ducks and geese? OH MY!

Momma and The Boy went back to the park with the goslings and Bear's fit to be tied! And then his day gets worse when Momma grabs him for his nightly beauty routine/torture (depending on your perspective). Note: No geese were harmed in anticipation of or composition of this post ... we think.

 BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: Where were you two?
MK: Err ... no where?
BC: Were you two doing the horizontal ...
EM: They said they were going to the park.
BC: PARK?!?! You went to the PARK?!?! 
{Pause}
BC: {looking at The Boy} YOU'RE FIRED!
MK: The Boy took a ton of pictures too! He even tried to talk to the adult geese!

BC: Is there no end to the shame you bring upon my head?
EM: Well, to be fair, it isn't just your head ...
BC: Stay out of this!
The Boy: The goslings are pretty cute.
BC: WHAT?!?! So YOU'RE now a goose molester too?!?! I'm starting a registry ... with Momma and The Boy as the first perpetrators!
MK: It wasn't really that ...
BC: And YOU'RE enabling her now?!?! What's wrong with you? Those geese can file a class action lawsuit and I'll be the laughingstock of the neighborhood again!
EM: Do geese have lawyers?
The Boy: Well ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Unless it involves the phrase, "I promise never to go within a hundred feet of a goose ..."
MK: Do you want to see pictures?!
BC: NO! I don't want to see PICTURES! I want you to stay at least a hundred feet from any geese. Actually, never mind! You both are GROUNDED from that park! 
MK: But the goslings are cute ... and there were at least five distinctive broods! That's a lot of goslings!

BC: I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE! No geese chasing, harassing, talking to, mothering, picture-taking ... NO! NO GEESE! I will not eat geese that have been to Greece. I will not eat geese covered in fleece. I will not eat geese that are obese. If you don't stop bothering the geese, I'll call the police!
EM: That would make a good crap!
BC: Thank you! I don't know about the commercial appeal ...
EM: Well, truth in advertising.
BC: Err ... oh! Yeah. If I'm a crapper I need to be an authentic cat rapper.
EM: What you do in the litter box is REAL. Believe me.
BC: Is that a euphemism? OH! I get it. Since I'm a crapper, my stage would be the litter box! BRILLIANT!
The Boy: Should I tell him ...
MK: SHHHHHH!
BC: Tell me what?!
The Boy: Err ...
MK: Nothing!
BC: I'm not stupid! When I say something's nothing, it means it's something I don't want you to find out about!
MK: There also were ducks.


The Boy: You should see the pictures! We both used our cameras!
BC: You two had a goose AND duck orgy and you DOUBLE-TEAMED them!
EM: And I wasn't invited?
BC:  Stay away for those f*cking ducks too! What?! Smellie's not dumb enough for you? Smellie's not cute enough for you? If all else fails, take pictures of me!
EM: HEY!
BC: You're as bad as Momma is! 
The Boy: I am NOT!
MK: I'm bad?
The Boy: Err ... that's not what I meant.
MK: Then what do you mean?
The Boy: I have to go to the bathroom.
BC: You better not close the door! I know you either have tasty whole chickens in there or you snuck some geese home to put in the bathtub.
The Boy: Well, your Momma DID suggest ...
MK: So you're not as bad as me, huh?
BC: No one says that about my Momma and gets away with it!
The Boy: You say similar stuff all the time!
BC: That's different!
The Boy: How?
BC: I know I love and appreciate my Momma. Do you love and appreciate my Momma?
The Boy: Gotta go!
MK: {loudy as The Boy takes off down the hall} We'll continue this when you get back!
{Pause}
MK: No, really! Look! Aren't they cute?





BC: Yeah. In a tasty whole chicken way.
MK: The geese aren't for eating!
BC: And they aren't for molesting!
The Boy: {from the bathroom} Well, I wouldn't really call it molesting ...
BC: You've gone over to the dark side!
The Boy: {from the bathroom} The dark side has goslings!
BC: And my side has claws and fangs!
MK: You don't need to remind us.
BC: By the way ... 
EM: OUR DINNER IS LATE!
MK: Thanks for reminding me!
BC: And she asks if she's bad! Yeah! Feed us, Woman! Making friends with stupid geese instead of feeding her starving kitty cats!
EM: Well to be honest ... we're not exactly starv ...
BC: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
MK: {looking in the pantry} I just need to take care of some stuff first.
BC: What's more important than me?
EM: ME?
BC: She's got them! She's got them! Save yourself while you still can!
EM: HUH? BYE!
{Pause as Ellie hides in the cat tree corner}
EM: I'm never, ever, ever coming out!
BC: When have I heard that before?
EM: I mean it this time! I'm never coming out!
BC: For food? Laps?
EM: Err ...
MK: Gotcha, Bear.
BC: HIIIIIIISSSSS!!!
{Momma chuckles}
BC: What is wrong with you? Learn some proper respect! A cat hisses, you should be SCARED and quaking in your boots ... but your shaking is most certainly LAUGHING. Maybe I've been too easy on you ...
MK: Uh huh. Who sheds the most blood when I clip your claws?
BC: You have a point. But if I don't like it ... you can't expect me NOT to use my special set of skills! Besides, no blood would be spilled if you just let my claws go au naturel.
EM: {from her hiding place} What are your special skills? Jerkiness? Mean-dom?
BC: You wouldn't understand since you're not a real cat.
EM: I'm really tired of you saying that. I have everything you have.

BC: Phht. I'm a boy. I have balls.
EM: Not last time I checked.
BC: SHHHHHHH! You never know which torties are listening! And why are you checking on my man parts?
EM: Because of my sparkle balls, I have more balls than you do.
BC: EXCUSE ME? My balls are so big I have them even when I don't have them!
{Ellie snickers}
BC: WHAT?!?! Do you have to irritate me while I'm already upset?
MK: Bear, be quiet while I check out the acne on your chin.
BC: If you don't get your hand off my unmentionables, you better respect me in the morning!
EM:  Is acne that big wart thing on your chin?
BC: SHUT UP! I don't have warts anywhere on my body! Unless you count you. You're a giant wart on my behind.
EM: Warty-McWarts-A-Lot!
MK: Ellie, you don't like when Bear makes fun of you with lies.
BC: That's it! You better disappear because when Momma lets me go, I'm going to ... err ...
EM: Speechless?
BC: Brainless?

MK: No one has warts.
BC: HA! Come and say otherwise to my face, Smellie Bellie!
EM: I'm not coming out of my hiding spot for anything!
BC: That explains why you're especially spunky right now. You think you're protected. I know where you live. I know where you sleep. And I have access to your kibble bowl!
{Pause}
BC: And let me tell you something else ... {AHEM!}
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "One Way Or Another" by Blondie}
One way, or another, she's gonna find ya.
She's gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha.
{Pause}
BC: One way, or another, she's gonna trick ya.
She's gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha.
{Pause}
BC: One way, or another, she's gonna grab ya.
She's gonna catch ya catch ya catch ya catch ya.
{Pause}
BC: Sooner than later,
She's gonna catch ya, she's gonna catch ya, she'll catch ya.
{Pause}
BC: OW! Don't you have anything better to do than be mean to me?
MK: We need to get your teeth brushed and your fur brushed.
BC: I'll show you BRUSH ...

MK: OWWWWW! Bear, this would go so much faster if you just cooperated!
BC: I bet that's what you told your last cat too ... until one day she didn't survive.
EM: OH, NO! Momma had another cat before me?
BC: Ummm ... HELLO, dumb@$$!
EM: Oh, right.
BC: Get your *!&# off my @*$^# or I'll &^@% you up so badly you won't know your (@^$ from your &(^&@!
MK: STOP SQUIRMING!
BC: Then stop being a @(&#!
MK: Only when you stop being an @$$#*({!
BC: What's wrong with you? Haven't I taught you to respect me?
MK: I could say the same.
EM: Well, earlier he said ...
BC: SHUT UP!
EM: Don't get mad at me because you didn't run and hide before Momma grabbed you!
BC: BETRAYAL! Who knew my Momma was so cold and calculating?
EM: Ummm ... because she does this every night?
BC: Err ... @&*!
{Pause}
BC: Think about this, Woman! I know where you sleep! I know where to barf! And I'm the shark!
EM: How many alter-egos do you have? The sensitive and loving Momma's boy ... the shark ... the crapper, B-Cube ... the jerk ... Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest ... it's a bit hard to keep track of all of them!
BC: You could say I have multiple personalities.
MK: That's truer than you think.
BC: Are you done yet, Woman? I really want to see Smellie go down!
EM: I'm not coming out ... EVER. Not for ANYTHING!

BC: You say that every time!
EM: This time I mean business!
MK: {letting Bear go} There you go.
BC: HMPH! It's about time! And try that again and I'll make you sorry!
EM: You say that every time!
{Momma can be heard in the kitchen opening the food bag}
EM: Err ... out ... safe ... out ... safe ... fresh kibble ... safe ... 
BC: I THINK SMELLIE'S OVERHEATING!
EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
BC: She's going to blow!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... that might be interesting. 
EM: {running out of her hiding spot} FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!
MK: {grabbing Ellie} AHA!
EM: Ah, man! I was screwed by my belly!
BC: You ate five minutes ago.
EM: No! It was more like five hours ... err ... I ate right before Momma grabbed you ...
BC: Huh. It FELT like five hours ago that she started torturing me ...

EM: No! Huh. It HAS been five minutes. NUTS!
BC: It's okay. With how big your belly is, you can't expect it NOT to win sometimes ...
{Pause}
BC: ... Or every time.
EM: Are you calling me fat?
BC: Are you being stupid on purpose?
MK: BEAR! Eat your wet food!
BC: Oooh!
EM: Talk about a big, persuasive belly ...
BC: {while eating} Shuth yourf brig trapth! I'mf goingth forg yourf foodth nexth!
EM: Hahaha. Wait a ... MOMMA! HURRY UP!
MK: Then stop squirming!
EM: But Bear will eat my food!
MK: DONE!
EM: BEAR! You better get away from my food before I ...
{Pause}
EM: {GASP}! Where's my plate? Bear ate my food AND the plate! I'm going to starve!
MK: Relax, Ellie. I haven't put your plate out yet.
EM: WHAT?!?!?! Bear tricked me?
BC: If it wasn't so easy ...
EM: OH, SHUT UP! I have business to attend to!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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