Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Bear's cat rapping show hits the road

Bear's not feeling well and Momma makes the decision to take him to the vet. After the drama of Momma's decision plays out, Bear puts on a class AAA show for the veterinarian and vet tech. They aren't sure about an encore from the crapper (cat rapper) - but Bear won't be denied.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
Vet tech/Veterinarian

BC: {seeing Momma walking toward him} Wait a ... I know that look!
{Pause}
BC: So help me ... if you brought another boy or another cat into this house, I'll quit! I mean, there's a lot of you to love and give love - but that's wearing a bit thin - even for YOUR doughnut butt.
MK: Come on, Bear.
BC: Wait a ... RATS! Wrong interpretation! BYE!
{Pause}
BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! You'll never catch me alive!
EM: What's going on?
BC: We're going to the vet!
EM Oh, no!
MK: BEAR'S going to the vet. Ellie is not.
BC: DISCRIMINATION! You'll hear from my lawyer.
EM: Ummm ... Bear?
BC: WHAT?
EM: You don't have a lawyer. Remember? You fired her. 

BC: RATS! She was stupid anyway. She told me I couldn't sue ...
MK: Got you.
BC: Hi, Momma.
MK: Time to get you in the carrier.
BC: Do you enjoy this? Being locked up improves my street cred though. Can you maybe take a few pictures of my incarceration? And tell people that I resisted arrest? Give me freedom or give me ... 
EM: A lawyer?
MK: Come on, Bear.
BC: I'm being locked up for my bad-@$$ ways! Tabby cat lives matter.
EM: ALL cat lives matter.
BC: For once in your life ... SHUT UP! It's discrimination! You just can't handle my awesome ...
EM: Is that what they're calling it these days?
BC: ... So I'm being locked up!
EM: Maybe Momma will throw away the key.
BC: Stop heckling me, tweedle dumb! I'm standing up for my rights against ... against ... wrongful imprisonment!
MK: Okay. Let's tone down the drama.
BC: I have rights! Freedom of speech! Freedom of religion! The right to bear arms!
EM: I don't think Momma's denying you arms. You still have them.

BC: I have the right against unreasonable searches and seizures, against double jeopardy and self-incrimination, against cruel and unusual punishment, and a right to a speedy and fair trial.
EM: You want a speedy trial? GUILTY!
BC: You impinge upon my right against cruel and unusual punishment! You're  ... you're ...
MK: Ellie, that's enough.
BC: HA!
MK: Bear, you know you haven't been feeling like yourself recently.
EM: Phht. Who's he feeling like then?
BC: SEE?!?! Cruel and unusual punishment!
EM: Freedom of speech!
BC: Get within arm's length of me, and I'll take care of ...
EM: Arm's length ... does that include the right to bear arms?
MK: Bear, you haven't been eating your wet food treat - which used to be your favorite. I remember a time where you'd throw such a fit when I didn't give you a treat right on time. You're not eating your favorites. I'm worried about you. ESPECIALLY since you're vomiting five out of seven days.
BC: Have you met my sister?
EM: YEAH! And you've barfed on my scratchers too!
BC: I'm not sorry.
MK: It's time to get you checked out and see if we can find why you've been having these problems.
BC: Phht.

MK: You know, back when Kitty started feeling bad, I talked myself out of taking her in. I found a way to rationalize that she was fine and in the end I think it cost her life. I'm erring on the side of caution and not rationalizing this away. Something good has to come of the mistakes I made with Kitty.
BC: Ummm ... having you to myself? Me and you against the world? And now you're BETRAYING me?! What's wrong with you!? Have you ever thought that I might be vomiting so much as a form of feedback?
MK: I worry about you all the time now. I just want you to eat and not vomit.
BC: Phht. Worry about my sister. Or The Boy. Bad things tend to happen to idiots.
EM: Says the cat trapped in a carrier.
BC: I have rights you know! I'm not going willingly! I ...
{Ellie snickers}
BC: Momma! I knocked the carrier over! HELP!
MK: If you didn't rock the carrier from side to side by bunny kicking all over the carrier, you wouldn't have this problem.
BC: Po po brutality! Cruel and unusual ...
{Momma sets the carrier upright}
BC: Thanks, Momma. I still feel like a piece of popcorn bouncing off everything.
EM: Then stop bouncing off everything!
BC: @&*% this stupid ^@#!
EM: Hahahahahaha. Momma! He knocked the carrier over again!
MK: Okay. Time to go.
BC: GO? Go where?! I thought I was being unjustly imprisoned!
EM: The vet. Remember? Momma's worried about you?
BC: Over my dead body! I protest! I have rights! HELP! I'm being kitty ...
{The front door closes}
EM: {looking around} Peace and quiet. FINALLY. Now I can hear myself think. Now what do I think about?
{Pause}
EM: Thinking is harder than I thought.

{Twenty minutes pass and Momma walks into the vet with Bear in his carrier}
BC: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! THIS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS! HELP! HELP! THIS WOMAN TOOK ME!
MK: And people wonder why I dread taking my cats to the vet. The twenty minute drive is nearly unbearable.
{Pause}
MK: No pun intended. Hahahaha. Un-BEAR-able.
BC: Ha. Ha. Ha. How nice to have fun at my expense!
MK: Bear Cat Kat for ...
Vet tech: He kind of announces himself. Hahaha.
BC: Very funny. I DARE you to be the one who takes me out of my carrier!
MK: BEAR!
Vet tech: So what's wrong with him?
BC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? What's wrong with YOU!? I'm perfect! And I have handsome stripe-y pants!
Vet tech: You're wearing pants?
BC: You and my sister were separated at birth.
Vet tech: Seriously. We need to take your pants off.
BC: Keep your hands out of my pants!
MK: He's not eating his wet food treat when that used to be his favorite part of the day. And he's vomiting more often than not.
Vet tech: {picking Bear up to weigh him} Oh! He's a big boy!
BC: Just remember that next time you get the designs on sticking that thermometer anywhere.

Vet tech: Okay, XX pounds and XX ounces. The vet will be in in a moment.
MK: Here we are. How about I hide you?
BC: WHAT?! You bring me here and then offer to HIDE me? What kind of messed up nonsense is this? You think I'll go Stockholm on your behind?
MK: I love you too.
BC: Oh, no. Don't start that.
MK: I'll wrap my arms around the carrier and put my body over the opening.
BC: I'm at the vet! And the carrier won't protect him!
MK: No, I mean, I thought you'd feel more secure ...
BC: If I were more secure, I'd be in prison!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Oh, NO! NONONONONONONONONO. NO CRYING! How embarrassing! My Momma gets all weepy and protective and I look like ... like ...
MK: A loved boy?
BC: HEY! I'm a loved MAN! No BOY here.
The vet: {walking into the room} Who do we have here?
BC: The quack daddy!
The vet: Wait a minute ... this says Bear Cat.
BC: Would you like me to crap for you?
The vet: Ummm ...
MK: He means perform a cat rap ... or crap.
The vet: Creative.
BC: I'm armed. So don't get up in my grill, yo ... and you won't be harmed.

The vet: Interesting.
BC: When my Momma says that, she's usually amused by me.
The vet: How very ... creative.
BC: I HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, yo!
The vet: {looking at the chart} He's DEFINITELY not missing any meals.
BC: You're DEFINITELY an idiot! Momma brought me here to get insulted? I'd be careful about what you say or you won't have any patients left!
{The vet tech giggles}
BC: What's so funny? Have you seen my Momma? I don't hear HER doctor saying she doesn't miss any meals! I'll go on a diet when she does.
Vet tech: He's a character all right.
BC: And you're dumber than my sister - which is saying a lot - believe me. 
{Pause}
BC: Wait a minute ... if I have multiple personalities, each would have it's own weight, right? So my XX pounds and XX ounces is actually the combination of like six cats!
The vet: That's not quite how it works.
Vet tech: What a handsome ...
BC: HEY! You'd better respect me in the morning!
The vet: Temperature's good. Let's listen ...
BC: THIS IS JUST LIKE PRISON where things find their ways up where they don't belong!
The vet: Can you leave him with us for an hour?
BC: HUH?
MK: Ummm ...
BC: What are you going to do to me? MOMMA! Don't leave me!
The vet: We're just going to run some tests. 
BC: TESTS?!? No one said anything about tests! I didn't study!

{Pause}
BC: {GASP!} 
{Pause}
BC: YOU WANT TO USE ME AS A GUINEA PIG! 
{Pause}
BC: I don't think so. Use my sister! She's actually a pig! And too dumb to know when her intellect ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Never mind. If you try to mine her intellect, you'll be lucky to get a penny's worth. 
{Pause}
BC: This doesn't involve aliens or an alien craft?
{Pause}
BC: NO! You just want a private crapping show! I'm putting down what you're ... err ... I mean I'm picking up what you're putting down. I can give you my greatest hits.
The vet: Maybe come back in forty-five minutes?
BC: Phht. I can't do my greatest hits in forty-five minutes. Make that two hours. I'll give you the highlights.
MK: Ummm ... can't I just wait?
The vet: We're just going to run some tests. Take an x-ray. Blood tests. It'll take a while.
BC: Bye, MOMMA!
MK: What?
BC: {winking at the vet} Blood tests and x-rays.
The vet: Maybe we'll check his eyes too. See if something got in there.
MK: Bear?
BC: Bye! I'm going to give them the crapping show of their lives!
MK: Okay. I'll be back in a little while.

Part 2 of the post will be shared on Friday. Bear's talks about what really happened at the vet's while Momma was gone ... and we get a diagnosis. Stay tuned!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


Friday, March 15, 2019

What's going on around here?

Bear's back to telling his sister lies - but it doesn't exactly go as he planned. And The Boy's in trouble; what did he do this time?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: PSST!
EM: {looking around} Me?
BC: PSST! YOU!
EM: Is this some kind of trick? Are you going to fart on me when I get close to you? Or are you going to whap me?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHH! You make me sound mean! I don't remember ...
{Pause}
BC: Oh. Yeah.
EM: You want to share a secret with me?
BC: YES!
EM: Really? We'll share a secret? Like best friends?
BC: That's going a little far. I have a secret. Well, actually, it's not my secret - but I thought you'd like to know.
EM: Daddy's leaving?
BC: He is?
EM: No. I was just wondering if that was the secret.
BC: RATS!
EM: Momma's pregnant?
BC: SHE IS? And she got us fixed so that wouldn't happen to us!
EM: I was broken?

BC: Will you stop talking? I can't tell you the secret if you keep trying to guess it.
EM: Okay.
{Pause}
EM: They're getting us a sister! OH! This is the best day ever! I'll have a best friend and we'll braid each others' fur and talk about boys and have private jokes and make fun of you and she'll take my side when you want to fight ...
BC: What did I JUST say?
EM: I'M GETTING A SISTER!
BC: That's not the secret!
EM: Not YOUR secret. I AM getting a sister though?
BC: Women. Just like Momma, this one never shuts up. NO! You're NOT getting a sister!
EM: Oh. And I was so excited! 
BC: Do you know where Momma and The Boy saved you from?
EM: I'm not falling for this! You already told me they got me from the circus freak show! That was a mean trick!
BC: No. See ...
EM: And you already told me they stole me from a dolphin show. Did you think I'd forget that I'm not a dolphin after that swim in the toilet? I HATE WATER! I'm not believing another thing you say!
BC: Well, you don't exactly make sense as a cat either ... and you are a woman ... making sense doesn't even occur to you. Or at least that's what The Boy says.

EM: He does not!
BC: Ask him!
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: Really? You don't want to know the secret?
EM: Is it a real secret? Not something you made up?
BC: It's the truth! I've learned the error of my ways.
EM: Okay.
BC: Momma and The Boy rescued you from a Kit Cat factory.
EM: A WHAT?
BC: See, every year, all the reject cats get sent to a factory to make kits of the cats.
EM: It's true! I heard Momma and The Boy talking about Kit Cats! Daddy asked Momma if he could have her Kit Cats! So that's not a you-femism for something else? There really are Kit Cats?
BC: EUPHEMISM. And no. Momma and The Boy saved you at just the last moment! 
EM: That's scary!
BC: The Boy wanted another cat ... one that looked like me ... but you know, Momma's the boss and everything.
EM: Daddy didn't want me? Aww. I wasn't his first choice!
BC: I figured you'd be used to it by now.
EM: WHAT?! That's mean! Just kick a girl while she's down.

BC: Okay.
EM: OWW! What'd you kick me for?
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... does this mean I'm adopted?
BC: Ummm ... YEAH!
EM: So Momma's not my real Mom and The Boy isn't my real Dad?
BC: You're a smart one.
EM: But I thought I had the family resemblance!
BC: Sorry. But you know what that means, right?
EM: I'M AN ORPHAN!
BC: Oh, yeah. That too.
EM: This is a disaster! I don't know who my real parents are and my entire life has been a lie!
BC: When Momma or The Boy tell you not to do something, you can argue with them and tell them they're not your real parents!
EM: But I don't get in trouble!
BC: It's never too late.
EM: I could never do any of the things you do. 
BC: We could be partners in crime!
EM: Is that like friends?
BC: It means we have fun together. 
EM: Fun? That sounds harmless.
BC: And conspire together ...
EM: Like private jokes?
BC: I dare you! Go whap that glass off the table. I swear! I won't tell on you!

EM: I'm not falling for THAT again! Last time you said that, I knocked the glass over and I got wet! I HATE water! AND you told on me.
BC: I already used that one on you?
EM: I'm a NICE cat.
BC: That would explain how you got in the reject pile on your way to the Kit Cat factory.
EM: I'm going to give Daddy a piece of my mind!
BC: That's all you have left, right? Don't spend it all in one place.
EM: They ... umm ... I'M ADOPTED and they let me think otherwise!
BC: To be honest, you're just too stupid to figure the obvious.
EM: {GASP} SHUT UP! You're not my real brother!
BC: Touche.
EM: What do you mean TOO shay? I'm not too shay! You're too shay!
BC: These conversations are just ... painful.
{Momma and The Boy walk into the room}
MK: I got more Kit Kats.
The Boy: You know I'll eat them!
EM: HUH?
{Pause}
EM: I'll ... I ... YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ... YOU BOTH SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

MK: What'd we do?
EM: As if you don't know!
MK: Do you know what she's talking about?
The Boy: No.
EM: I'm too mad to talk to you! HMPH!
BC: Phht. Women. So emotional.
MK: So you didn't "help" this emotional outburst?
BC: NO! I have no idea what's wrong! Women are cray-cray. Just going off for no reason!
The Boy: Ain't THAT the truth!
MK: EXCUSE ME?
The Boy: Err ... I meant other females.
EM: WHAT?!
The Boy: And not you either, Ellie.
MK: BEAR! I know you had something to do with this! Why's your sister upset?
BC: So much for Momma not being cray-cray and just going off.
{The Boy chuckles}
MK: Do you find this funny?
The Boy: Err ... no. Not really.
MK: You're encouraging him!
BC: Encourage me! Encourage me!
The Boy: BEAR! Go to your shelf!
BC: You're not my real father!
EM: You're adopted too?
BC: SHH! Stay out of this.
EM: PSST! Does it ever work?
MK: Bear, you're in big trouble!
EM: Guess not.
BC: What? I didn't do anything! I'm on my shelf!

MK: Why is Ellie upset?
BC: Like I know. WOMEN.
{The Boy chuckles}
MK: {turning to The Boy} Oh, REALLY?
The Boy: Err ... I'm going to get the mail.
MK: Ellie, what did Bear tell you?
EM: It's too ... too ... traumatic to even speak of!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Why do I get blamed for everything?
{Silence}
BC: Oh, yeah. Right.
MK: Did he tell you we rescued you from a curtain factory again?
EM: I forgot about that one!
MK: Furniture factory? Rug factory?
EM: Wait a minute ... YOU LIED TO ME! AGAIN!

BC: It's not my fault you keep falling for what I'm selling. I've missed my calling. If I were a salesperson, I'd be rich and have a chain of tasty whole chicken farms! Maybe a bazooka ... a tank ... a castle ... you know, the good life.
MK: As if you don't have a good life now?
BC: Ask The Boy! He's the one that used the "back when I had a good life ..."
MK: Yeah. I'm still mad at him for that.
The Boy: HUH?
BC: Steel trap that one.
The Boy: Women are just one big steel trap.
MK: You do realize you're not helping?
BC: Phht. He's a not-the-Momma. He's not supposed to help. He's supposed to sit around and tell you what to do and tell you when to get back in the kitchen.
MK: {toward The Boy} WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING HIM?
BC: He also said women should be seen and not heard.
The Boy: Now, wait a minute ...
MK: NO KIT KATS FOR YOU!
The Boy: I was kidding!  
MK: I'm not.
The Boy: I think I forgot some of the mail in the box.
EM: Don't get any ideas! I'm not going back to the Kit Cat factory!
MK: So that's what he told you.
BC: No ...
{Pause}
BC: Maybe?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Does this mean I'm grounded? Because that could add to my street cred.
MK: Ellie, don't believe ANYTHING Bear says. NOT ONE THING.
BC: I'm going to beat her up.
EM: Err ...
MK: Well, except for that. 
EM: He might try ...
BC: Phht. You're a GIRL! I'm not scared of you!
MK: BEAR!
BC: But I AM scared of you.
MK: That's what I thought.
EM: YEAH! Take THAT!

BC: I'm a Momma's boy! I think you should really be mad at The Boy. You know, he told ME a secret and if you're a nice Momma I'll tell you what it was!
EM: Momma, you told me not to a believe a word Bear says!
MK: Tell me the secret!
{Whispering ... until The Boy walks in and Momma and the two cats are staring at him}
The Boy: Err ... I must have the wrong house. I'll just ...
EM: Bear told Momma your secret!
The Boy: Secret? What secret?
BC: Did you hear that, Momma? WHAT secret! Like he has more than one!
The Boy: Now wait a ...
BC: Don't let the door hit you on the ... GET HIM, MOMMA! Tell him who's boss.
EM: It's pretty evil, Daddy. How could you?
The Boy: I don't even know what's going on!
BC: Because THAT'S new.
{Silence as Momma and the two cats stare at The Boy}
The Boy: WHAT?! What did I do?
BC: Pack your bags, dumbnuts. BYE!
The Boy: Kat? What's he talking about?
MK: Oh, he lied to me and told me some nonsense about what you do while I'm not home.
BC: WHAT?!?! You KNEW I lied?!?! And you pretended otherwise?
EM: It's not my fault you fall for what she's selling.

BC: WHAT?!?! I was being PUNKED?!
The Boy: So ... umm ... you're NOT mad at me?
{Silence}
The Boy: Ellie? Kat?
{More silence}
The Boy: So you don't believe what Bear said, right?
{Even more silence}
The Boy: HELLO?!?!
BC: I guess it's just you and me.
The Boy: Uh oh.
BC: So what exactly are your intentions with my Momma?
The Boy: Err ... well ... 
BC: YOU'RE FIRED!
The Boy: I'm pretty sure it's not up to ...
BC: MOMMA! The Boy's being mean to me! He told me I was fired!
The Boy: Now wait a minute ...
EM: Daddy, go back to the doghouse!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


Featured posts:

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Duck ... duck ... GOOSE!

The Boy's got some good news, Momma's excited by the prospect of petting ducks, and the cats are ... itching for a fight and dragging The Boy and Momma into their own disagreement.

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae Kat  

MK: That's so exciting! Congratulations!
BC: WHAT? What are you congratulating The Boy on? Is he LEAVING? Hopefully? Because he could leave and I'd have my Momma to myself.
EM: HEY!
MK: NO! He's not leaving.
BC: Did he get a clue? Find a brain? Grow a pair? Abduct aliens?
The Boy: I got a new job!
EM: WHAT?!?! Daddy's not going to be my Daddy anymore?
The Boy: What are you talking about?
EM: Your job is to be my Daddy!
BC: Barf.
EM: And being my Daddy means chasing me and scooping my litter box and giving me a lap when I don't want Momma's lap.
BC: You can't be that stupid to not know you just insulted him!
EM: How?
BC: As I said ... you ARE that stupid. You said, "When I don't want Momma's!" That implies Momma's your first choice.
EM: What's so wrong with ...
The Boy: HEY!
EM: You're quitting being my Daddy because I like Momma more?

The Boy: NO! Wait a minute ... you like Momma more than you like me?
BC: DING DING DING, Ding Dong!
EM: So whose Daddy are you now?
BC: The monkey's uncle!
EM: Monkey? What monkey? What uncle? You chose a monkey's uncle over me?
The Boy: I'm still your Daddy!
EM: So you're still going to scoop my litter box and chase me ...
The Boy: And give you a lap when you don't want Momma's lap? You already mentioned that.
EM: But you said you had a new job!
The Boy: Where I go during the day!
EM: You're gone during the day?
{Silence}
BC: D@mn! She really IS that stupid.
EM: Though I guess that makes sense. The litter box jockey is not very prompt during the day.  And I spend a lot of the day sleeping and taking care of Momma. At least Momma's the keeper of the food so we won't starve.
The Boy: Your Momma and I were about to talk about taking a trip before I start my new job.
BC: Well, that half works.
The Boy: What?
BC: Instead of Momma, you should take Smellie!
EM: I'd love to go on vacation! Maybe somewhere that has tuna?
The Boy: No. It would be just me and your Momma.
EM: Awwww! And I get left behind AGAIN! With BEAR no less!

BC: At least I know which side of the litter box is the stinky poop side.
EM: I know which side of the litter box is the stinky poop side. I just don't care.
BC: I'm not staying here with HER. 
EM: GOOD! I'm not staying here with YOU!
The Boy: Neither of you are going anywhere!
MK: So we'll see the ducks?
BC: DUCKS? What ducks?
EM: Are you cheating on us?
The Boy: One of the hotels we're looking at has a team of ducks.
MK: And I want to pet them!
BC: After twelve years of Miss Grabby Hands, I ALMOST feel sorry for those ducks. They have no idea what she's capable of.
EM: The ducks better not sit on my lap!
BC: What? Didn't you listen? They're leaving us here!
EM: My lap is Momma's lap because I own it.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Phht. Momma's lap is MY lap.
The Boy: HEY! What am I? Chopped liver?
BC: That might be tasty!
{Pause}
BC: So you are good for something!

EM: My Daddy's good at scooping our litter box, and chasing me around, and as a backup lap.
The Boy: Backup?
{Pause}
The Boy: But Kat, they won't let you pet the ducks!
MK: Then I'll make friends with the ducks.
BC: Better you with her than me. I still haven't lived down her momma-goose honking and flapping her wings ... err ... arms ...
MK: To keep the goslings away from a busy road!
BC: That's what the mother goose is for!
{Pause}
BC: Then again, if I had eleven babies, I wouldn't mind a few getting run over.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm kidding!
{Pause}
BC: Mostly.
MK: Then I guess it's good you never fathered kittens.
BC: Excuse me? I'm too bad-@$$ to be a father. I'm like a bad penny. I get around. And no one can keep me in their pockets.
MK: I think it takes a special kind of guy to be a good daddy.
BC: That's RIGHT! I'm masculine and virile and I fathered all kinds of kittens ... 

EM: Any of the real kind?
BC: Oh, shut up! And I fathered all kinds of kittens by a lot of chicks!
EM: You got together with a chicken? Isn't that kind of a conflict of interest because of your love for eating tasty whole chickens? Would you eat your own chittens?
BC: I hear an annoying noise ...
EM: Get it? Chittens? A cross of kittens and chicken. Or is that kicken?
BC: The annoying noise is getting louder.
MK: Funny. I remember you running from the other cats when you were homeless. You actually got up close to a female?
BC: Err ... making babies is a powerful motivator.
MK: Uh huh. I saw a female look at you that one time and you took off.
BC: She was sketchy!
The Boy: Phht. Aren't all women?
MK: Oh, REALLY?
The Boy: Err ... except you, honey.
EM: HEY!
The Boy: And you, Ellie.
BC: But there are other ways to father kittens that don't involve getting near ladies. 
MK: Are we talking about the same thing? I don't know of any way to father kittens where you don't get up close and personal.
BC: That's not how babies are made!
MK: Oh?
BC: Babies are usually made by rubbing up against each other ... 
EM: WHAT? YOU MEAN I COULD BE PREGNANT?

BC: Excuse me?
EM: We rub up on each other all the time! And I rub up on Daddy ... and you rub up on Momma ... there's a lot of baby-making going on around here!
MK: Bear doesn't exactly understand the mechanics.
EM: So I'm not pregnant?
MK: No. You and Bear are both fixed.
EM: You mean I was broken?
BC: Somethings can't be fixed.
MK: Your kitten making parts were removed.
EM: But what if I WANT to get pregnant?
BC: Phht. Yeah. Like anyone would touch you with a ten foot pole.
EM: What does a pole have to do with kitten making?
MK: You don't want to be pregnant. BELIEVE ME.
EM: Have you been pregnant, Momma?
MK: No. I just mean there are enough kitties killed every day in shelters across the country because the shelters don't have room for them.
EM: THAT'S HORRIBLE! Why don't they just build more shelters?
MK: And being a Mom is a huge responsibility.
BC: When you're as virile and masculine as I am ... you just look at chicks and they get pregnant. But let me tell you, kitten support is a *itch. 
EM: So I COULD be pregnant? Because Bear gives me dirty looks all the time.
BC: Phht. When I look at you, it's pure disgust at your being a sorry excuse for a cat.

MK: BEAR! That was too far. You crossed a line!
EM: Momma, am I a sorry excuse for a cat?
MK: Not at all. You and Bear just have different ways of being a cat. One isn't any better than any other way. Bear, apologize.
BC: I'm sorry, Momma.
MK: Not to me ...
BC: Do I have to?
EM: So Bear's way of being a cat is being a jerk?
MK: ELLIE!
BC: I'll show you what being a jerk means!
{Pause as Momma thinks up something to say to distract the cats from the brewing cat disagreement}
MK: I really want to make friends with the ducks!
BC: What else is new? Use a fake name and a disguise. I don't want it to get back here that you're fraternizing with ducks. Have you heard what they say about me because of your stint as a momma goose?
MK: They?  They WHO?
BC: EVERYONE! They're laughing at me and mocking me!
EM: Like you're sure a facial tissue box is mocking you?
BC: HEY! If you saw the box, you'd understand. Don't listen to me. FINE! But don't come crying to me when the box gets all up in your grill and calls you fat.
EM: YOU get all up in my grill and call me fat.
BC: But I'm not a coward.
EM: I found your spot under the bed.
MK: WHAT?!?!
EM: If you go to the left corner of the bed, there's a little pile of kibble, a few micey, a few items from his secret stash ...
BC: ANY way. Ducks?

EM: And a poster from Viva La Torties magazine with March's centerfolds.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You don't see me telling Momma about YOUR weaknesses!
EM: Like?
BC: Err ... You don't see me ruining your favorite things!
EM: You've barfed on my scratcher several times!
BC: Err ... you don't see me ruining any of your favorite things - besides the scratcher!
EM: BOTH of my scratchers!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Besides, I get the magazine for the articles! NOT for the centerfolds.
EM: Oh. That makes sense. But you didn't have the articles on a poster. Where are they?
BC: Ummm ...
EM: You barfed on them too, didn't you. If you love it, you must barf on it.
BC: Phht. LOVE has nothing to do with it. More like payback.
MK: Let me see that centerfold poster!
BC: BIG MOUTH!
EM: That's not a nice thing to say about Momma!
BC: I was talking about you!
EM: Oh. In that case, I'll go get the poster for you, Momma.
BC: HEY! Just WAIT until they take their trip!
EM: I'm tired of you lying to me and making me the butt of all your jokes!
BC: Phht. You're ALREADY a huge butt.
EM: I don't like you.
BC: GOOD! Because I don't like you either.
{Ellie leaves and comes back with the poster}
EM: See? Just holding this poster makes me feel dirty!

BC: THAT makes you feel dirty? Not ...
MK: BEAR!
EM: And you might as well know there was a red permanent marker under there. One guess as to who wrote that filth!
MK: Let me see that ... This poster is of Amarula and Mudpie! Do their Moms know about this?

BC: They're both consenting adults! Don't ruin it for me, Momma! Since I can't meet them in person ... err ... catson.
MK: Do you pose for centerfolds?
BC: Phht. OF COURSE NOT. That would make me feel objectified ... and ... exploited!
EM: And who would want to see that? Heck, he lays on his back and lets it all hang out all the time. BELIEVE ME, no one would pay for that.
BC: But you will!
EM: You can't make me!
BC: No. But I can make you pay for the insult.
EM: Oh.
MK: Bear, you can't father kittens and Ellie, you can't be pregnant.
BC: Don't tell me what I can't do!
EM: YEAH!
MK: This might not be the best time for us to take a trip.
BC: Unless you want to be an accessory ...
The Boy: The cats ruin another ...
EM: I didn't ruin anything! It was Bear!
BC: Oh, right. Because you don't want to admit that YOU ruined it!
The Boy: Well, actually ... I know your Momma and I think she'd try to pet the ducks to the extent that she'd end up in jail. I can't take her anywhere!
MK: EXCUSE ME? 
The Boy: You can't be trusted around animals.
MK: I'm sorry for loving animals!
BC: Oh! This is getting good!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

Featured posts: