Tuesday, September 18, 2018

The silver-vine incident

The cats are acting up. Why? And what does this mean for Momma and The Boy?

EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat 
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{SMACK!}
EM: Take THAT!
MK: Huh?
BC: Prepare to ...
{SMACK!}
MK: OWW!
EM: Good shot, fool. You hit Momma!

BC: You moved! I'll get you this ... 
{SMACK!}
BC: Boo-yah. Got you that time!
MK: Maybe you two can take this elsewhere?
BC: She started it!
EM: Nah uh. HE started it. I was in the bed and he got mad that I was in the same bed as you so he started whacky-pawing me over your body.
BC: Yeah. She's MY Momma! You have The Boy. Not that he's anything to write home about. But it's my job to keep the riff-raff out of Momma's bedroom and protect her.
EM: She doesn't want you to protect her from me! She LOVES me! She pets me when I jump on the bed!
BC: Show off.
{Silence}
BC: I COULD have made a slam on The Boy ... and keeping riff-raff out of Momma's boudoir ...
EM: HEY! I'll tell you my Daddy is the best thing ever!
BC: You really need to adjust your standards.
EM: No. No. You're right. My Momma is the bestest thing over. My Daddy is just sufficient.
{SMACK!}
BC: She's MY Momma!
{SMACK!}
EM: She's my Momma too!
BC: My Momma will beat up your Momma!
EM: Our Mommas are the same FOOL!
{SMACK!}
BC: Take that back! Don't insult my Momma by calling her your Momma!
{SMACK!!}
EM: NO!
{SMACK!}
BC: Shut up!
{SMACK!!}
EM: NO. YOU shut up!
MK: {AHEM!!} Do you two mind?
BC: YEAH! Get out of the way!

MK: Excuse me?
BC: Smellie and I are having a smackdown and you're lying between us! Phht. Humans. Always in the way. If you'd be so smart as to move, I'll have Smellie-burgers for lunch!
EM: Leave her alone! She's the line in the sand. If she moves, we won't have a line! And you'll cheat!
MK: I was sound asleep! And I was here first!
BC: But you're not asleep anymore. You can move.
MK: You've GOT to be ... THIS IS MY BED.
EM: Don't move, Momma. I'm going to take care of this.
MK: Thank you. Err ... 
{SMACK!}
EM: You're it!
{SMACK!!}
BC: Nope. You're it.
EM: HEY! No tag backs!
BC: You're it!
EM: I am not! You cheated! NO TAG BACKS! SEE?!? This ALWAYS happens! You cheat and ...
BC: MOMMA! Tell Smellie that there ARE tag backs!
MK: I DON'T CARE! I just want to sleep!
BC: Well, EXCUSE US for waking you. You have no problem waking us.
MK: To take pictures.
BC: Oh! Great idea! I want to take your picture, Momma! You've got a bee's nest hairdo going on! It's cool! You could hide a bazooka in that thing! If you start licking your butt and I get a picture, we'll be even.
EM: Or a tasty whole chicken.
BC: Why would she lick a tasty whole chicken?
EM: NO! She could have a tasty whole chicken in her bee nest hairdo.

BC: A bazooka and a tasty whole chicken? That sounds like one of my famous messes. Momma do you have a bazooka in there?
EM: Stupid question. If she had a bazooka, she would've shot you already for being obnoxious.
BC: Who asked you?
EM: Oh, shut up and be it.
BC: But I'm NOT it. You're it.
EM: Momma! Tell Bear THERE AREN'T ANY TAG BACKS!
MK: I'm about sixty seconds away for chasing you both off the bed and closing the bedroom door. Maybe even permanently.
EM: That sounds fun! Chase me, Momma! Chase me!
BC: Never underestimate the stupidity of one's sister.
EM: I'm not stupid. YOU'RE stupid! You think there are tag backs!
BC: And you called time out too!
EM: I needed a snack!
BC: Every five minutes?
EM: Well, you never know when our bowl of food might disappear so it's kind of like kibble-cost averaging.
BC: You're the only reason the kibble disappears!
EM: Well ... hmm ... so you're saying that I eat all the food. I saw you eating last night!
BC: I didn't mean that you eat everything LITERALLY.
EM: I'm confused. 
BC: Why am I not surprised?
EM: Do I eat everything or not?
BC: Not everything is black or white.
EM: I KNOW that. I'm black! But you have black and white - but you have other colors too. And you've got prison stripes.
BC: Yes. Yes. And they make my butt look big.
EM: Well, I didn't want to say anything.
BC: REALLY? Because you usually can't keep your big mouth shut!
EM: I'm the one that's a finalist in the cute pet photo contest.
BC: Only because you're a suck up. Besides, since when is a hippo a pet?
EM: HA! I hate water. I can't be a hippo.
BC: The Boy voted for me!
EM: WHAT?!?! My Daddy voted for YOU?! I thought he loved me!

MK: Can we do this later? Like in a few hours? I want to sleep.
BC: It's all about you. You you you you you.
MK: No, I JUST WANT TO GET A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP! Be as obnoxious as you want in two hours!
BC: REALLY?!
MK: NO!
EM: Did Daddy really vote for Bear?
MK: He voted twice for Bear and once for you since we could vote every day.
BC: Wait wait wait ... the contest lasted two weeks and he only voted three times for us?! What other cats did he vote for?
EM: I'm going to give my Daddy a piece of my mind!
BC: Be careful. You don't want to have nothing left. It's not like you have an abundance of mind pieces.
EM: Who did YOU vote for, Momma?
MK: Oh! Look at that! Daddy's home!
EM: OOH! Daddy! Daddy! I love you, Daddy!
The Boy: Hi, Baby Girl. Come here!
EM: HMPH! But I'm really mad at you too.
The Boy: What!?!?
EM: You voted for BEAR and not me!
The Boy: Come here and let me ...
EM: NOPE!
The Boy: I can't even chase you?
EM: NO! I'm really really MAD at you!
The Boy: Did Bear tell you I voted for him? Because he lied!
EM: NOPE! MOMMA told me.
MK: Wait wait wait ... Bear told you ... I confirmed the betrayal.
The Boy: You could've told me that she already knew when I said he lied!
MK: Oh, for the ...
BC: The cat's out of the bag!
{Pause}
BC: Smellie, go back in the bag so we don't have to see you! I'll cut eye holes in the bag so you can see.
The Boy: Hey! Wait a minute ... What are you doing up? I thought you'd still be sleeping.
MK: That's a really good question. Ask the cats.
EM: Bear's it.
BC: No way! You're it!
EM: No tag backs!
BC: Stop looking at me!
EM: Stop touching me!
BC: When you stop looking at me!
EM: MOMMA! Tell Bear to keep his paws to himself!

BC: You vastly over-estimate her power. I don't listen to anything else she says.
EM: Momma! Tell Bear he's a bad boy!
BC: Tell SMELLIE that I make bad look GOOOOOOOOOD.
EM: Tell Bear that the best cat became a finalist.
BC: Tell Smellie that people must've felt sorry for her that she got the sympathy vote ... "She's so fat and ugly ... bless her heart!" Phht. Winners don't BECOME finalists ... they ARE finalists all the time.
EM: My picture was cute. Yours was ordinary. SEE?!


BC: Hmph. Not much of a sidekick.
EM: I'm the boss!
BC: Yeah. Whatever.
EM: I'm not anyone's sidekick! But ESPECIALLY not YOURS! 
BC: So are you saying that you being named a finalist and not me is Momma's fault because of the pictures she chose?
EM: Err ... I guess.
BC: MOMMA! You PURPOSELY set me up to fail by entering an inferior picture of me. I'm sexy! I'm adorable! What's not to love?
EM: Err ... if I were you, I wouldn't ask ... but since you did ...
MK: ELLIE!
EM: WHAT?!?!
MK: That wasn't a real question.
EM: How should I know that? I can't read his mind! His mind makes no sense to me!
BC: Yeah, well at least I have one!
EM: Take that back!
{SMACK!}
EM: Take that back before I teach you a lesson you won't forget.
{SMACK!}
BC: So help me, if you don't stop smacking me ...
MK: EXCUSE ME!
BC: You're not excused. Now don't interrupt this. It doesn't concern you.
MK: Is this because of the silver-vine? You both are mean drunks. I put some silver-vine on your new scratcher and all of a sudden you two can't keep your paws to your ...

{SMACK!}
MK: STOP THAT! You two were at it ALL NIGHT. 
The Boy: Now you know why I got up. No use to try to sleep. Though they come to sleep with their Momma in the bed after I get up.
BC: YEAH! Take a CLUE!
EM: Leave my Daddy alone!
MK: {to herself} Not so much sleeping ...
{SMACK!}
BC: That's IT! I've had it with ...
MK: If you don't stop it right now I'm going to get out of bed, pick up all the silver-vine and I'll throw it in the trash!
BC: FINALLY! Then you won't be in the way!
EM: She's not in the way! YOU'RE in the way.
BC: I am not! I'm not the size of an airplane hanger.
EM: That's not very nice! Momma's not the size of an airplane hanger ... err ... if you exclude her butt.

MK: HEY!
BC: I was talking about you, Smellie.
EM: Oops.
{Pause}
EM: YEAH! Momma? Move over! If I'm so much bigger than him, then I should get more of the bed!
BC: I don't think so.
{SMACK!}
BC: KNOCK THAT OFF!
MK: That's it.
{Momma gets out of bed and confiscates the silver-vine}
BC: What's HER problem?
EM: I have no idea! She's grumpy!
BC: Momma needs counseling.
EM: She gets grumpy when she's tired.
BC: She slept for two hours! How she can be tired?
EM: Don't ask me.
{The bedroom door slams shut}
The Boy: HEY! Let me out of here!
{SMACK!}
The Boy: OWW! What was that f ...
{SMACK!}
The Boy: Will you two quit it?! KAT! KAT! LET ME OUT!
BC: Wait a second ... we're all in here and she's out there?!? SHE DID HAVE A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN HER HAIR NEST! LET ME OUT! I KNOW YOU HAVE A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN OUT THERE!
The Boy: HELP!
BC: I WANT MY CHICKEN!

{SMACK!}
{SMACK!}
BC: Ow!
The Boy: OW! What was that for?
EM: Not voting for me!
BC: I'm not allowed on the computer anymore, remember?
EM: I wasn't talking about you! You're right. It's Daddy that I'm mad at.
{SMACK!}
BC: Then QUIT smacking me!
{SMACK!}
The Boy: And quit smacking me too!
{SMACK!}
The Boy: STOP THAT!
EM: I'm mad at you.
The Boy: KAT! So help me, if you don't let me out of this room, I'll break this door down!
BC: Not if I do it first!
The Boy: I mean it!
BC: Do it, do it! Then I'll get my tasty whole chicken!
{SMACK!}
BC: OPEN THIS DOOR OR THE HIPPO GETS IT!
The Boy: HEY! Knock that ...
EM: Why didn't you vote for me, Daddy?!
{Momma puts in her noise-canceling ear plugs and sleeps peacefully ... on the couch}

To see all the finalists in the "Cute Pet" contest: Meet our cutest pet contest finalists.

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Friday, September 14, 2018

The thorn

Bear's not having a good day and we bet you can figure out who the thorn in his side is.

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: What if she asks about what we're ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: Are we going to get in trouble?
BC: Not if you keep your trap shut. Just RELAX.
EM: Do I have time to get a snack?
BC: NO! Can't you stop eating for more than a few minutes? Just relax. Chill. Now ...
{Pause as light snoring is heard}
BC: ELLIE?!? ELLIE?!?
{Pause}
BC: I don't believe this! I tell her to relax and she falls asleep!
EM: HUH?!
BC: You fell asleep!
EM: What'd I miss?
BC: If I were you, I wouldn't ever ask that question. Now, do what I ...
EM: I don't know about ...
BC: Get behind me! Do what I do!
EM: Considering how much trouble you get into ... doing what you do might ... WAIT! Wait for me! I'm right behind you!

{The cats casually walk past the bathroom where Momma's sitting}
MK: Wait wait wait wait WAIT! What are you two up to?
EM: {continuing to walk when Bear stops} Bear said ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: But ...
BC: When I stop, you're supposed to stop!
EM: How was I supposed to know?!
BC: Do I have to tell you EVERYTHING?!
MK: Any time I see one of you on the tail of the other just walking along, I know something's afoot.
EM: You mean "apaw?" Because we don't technically have feet.
MK: If you two were playing, you'd run and sound like a galloping herd of elephants.
EM: I don't think elephants gallop ...
MK: Whenever you make Ellie your minion, we're all in trouble.
BC: Phht. Nothing about her is mini. That makes her a maxion and not a minion. That girl's a tank!

{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... she's a tank ...
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: Bear, don't even ...
BC: Can I ride you?
MK: There it is.
EM: Excuse me?
BC: You're like a tank ... I can save myself money and ride you. Of course, there's the whole gun-less problem ...
EM: That sounds like fun!
MK: NO. It. Doesn't. 
BC: I could even pimp out my ride! Err ... sister.
MK: No riding your sister!
BC: Phht. What's the point of having a sister if you can't pimp her out and ride her? Giddy-up, tank-sized horsey!
MK: Ellie, don't let him get on your back.
EM: He's already mastered that when he attacks me. He can be a mean cat.
BC: Oh, just shut up and do your thing.
EM: What thing?
BC: THE thing.
EM: Err ...
BC: CATS! NOT mats! CATS! NOT mats! 

EM: Psst! I can't remember my line!
BC: SEE?!?! This is why we don't usually work together. You mess up everything.
MK: And what are you doing again?
BC: NOTHING! 
MK: Cats and mats, what?
EM: Bear says we're cats, not doormats. You can't walk all over us and take away our rights and not give us anything!
MK: I hate to break it to you, but listening to Bear usually gets you in trouble.
EM: We demand a contact!
BC: Oh, for the ... contRact! CATS! Not mats! CATS! Not mats!
EM: We're CATS! Not mats! CATS! Not mats!
BC: Be wise! Organize! Be wise! Organize! What do we want?
EM: Err ...
BC: Hmph. We've identified the weakest link.
{Pause}
BC: Not to mention the fattest.
{Pause}
BC: What do we want?
EM: FOOD!
BC: Now wait a minute ... that's not what you were supposed to say!
EM: I'm hungry!
BC: Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?
EM: You can explain why you're such a jerk? I thought you couldn't help it.
BC: Only you could insult me without meaning to.
EM: Who said I didn't mean to?
BC: I see your point. NOW! Follow the script! What do we want?
EM: CATNIP!
BC: Are you really that stupid? Or are you trying to wreck my plan?!
EM: I told you I forgot my lines! It's not my fault you don't listen to ...
BC: Why don't you read your own sign?! So much for trusty ...
EM: For sale by owner ...
BC: That's the wrong side! Read the OTHER side! The one facing AWAY from you.
EM: But I can't see the side that's facing away from me!
BC: She's too stupid to li ...
EM: WE SITS UNTIL WE GET BENEFITS!

BC: HEY! You interrupted me!
EM: I remembered my lines! 
BC: How ... convenient. I'm doing all the work here! You're supposed to HELP but you're ruining everything! We demand contracts! We demand rights! Not just food ... but benefits! We sits until we get benefits. We sits until we get benefits. We sits until we get benefits.
MK: Bear ...
BC: We have the right to life, liberty, and sassy-ness!
MK: Happiness?
BC: NO! I'm NOT happy! That's just the point!
MK: Umm ... I'm pretty sure you've got that wrong.
BC: I make wrong right.
MK: You want equal rights with humans?
EM: YES!
BC: No!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: We want SUPERIOR rights.
MK: You know what comes with equal or superior rights?
BC: Being human?
MK: No. Equal responsibility. You two can get a job ... and help clean ... 
EM: That sounds fair.
BC: No, it doesn't! 
MK: If you want equal rights, you have equal responsibilities. 
BC: What kind of nonsense is that!?! Oh, sure. Keep us kitties down! We're being threatened! We're being intimidated! Union! Union! UNION! We need help.
EM: Well, at least you admit it. Nothing to be ashamed of.
BC: What?
EM: That you need help!
BC: That's not what I meant! We need help protesting!
{Pause}
BC: Hmm ... our toys! They have to do what we say, right? They won't expect to be paid. Line them up! Line them up!
EM: Got them.
BC: Now go get the signs!
{Pause}
BC: NO! Don't go that way! You'll cross the picket line and we'll be screwed!
MK: That's not what ...
BC: I know how to protest, Momma!
EM: But the signs are on the other side of the picket line!
BC: Then GO AROUND. Crossing the picket line will ruin everything! Did you ever hear the joke about why the protester crossed the picket line?
EM: Err ... No. I don't think so.
BC: EXACTLY! And get her out of here so I can address the protesters.
EM: But ...
BC: Stop asking questions and do what I say! WOMEN! 
{Pause as Bear waits for Momma to leave the room}
BC: We're depending on every one of you! Don't stop until we get what we want. Rights for cats.

BC: Smellie, hand out the signs!
EM: You said to escort Momma out of the room! I didn't get the signs because I was busy with that.
BC: Take my temperature if I care. Now, HAND OUT THE SIGNS!
EM: But ...
BC: Hold them proud, guys!
{Pause as Ellie hands out the signs}
BC: WHAT?!? All these are blank! Smellie! You were in charge of the signs!

EM: I know ... but I wanted to use the litter box before we started ... and get a snack ... and a quick catnap.
BC: WHAT?!? Why am I not surprised? PROPER priorities!
EM: Shouldn't toys have equal rights too?! It only seems fair ...
BC: I'm the leader here - not you.
EM: I'm tired of you bossing me around.
BC: Then make your own protest against me.
EM: No Fair, Bear!!! No fair!
BC: HEY! That's MY protester! Get in line, Fat Albert!
EM: That's not her name! Her name is Crazy Pinkie!
BC: I'm directing all this! 
EM: How can you expect the toys to protest with you if you can't even get their names right?
BC: I'm the boss. I'm running this action.
EM: Not very well.
BC: I guess I have to do everything myself! Give me those blank signs and a few minutes. Guard the protesters. We don't want anyone to escape.
EM: We're not holding them against their wills are we?
BC: Of course not. I just HIGHLY ENCOURAGED them to participate. Turns out they don't like my shark either.
EM: Talk about furry terrorism.
BC: When you win, they never call you a terrorist. Now SHHHH! So I can finish this business!
{Pause as Bear prepares the signs and Ellie socializes with the protesters}
BC: HEY! No fraternizing with the employees. This whole thing has been a disaster ... because a certain sister can't get her poop together.
EM: That's not true! You saw how well my poop was together earlier today! Remember? Because I pooped against the side of the litter box?
BC: That's not what I ... OH, HELL! I quit!
EM: But you're the leader!
BC: I'm so glad you finally realized that. But I still quit.
EM: What about the protesters?
BC: I QUIT! I need a nap. I don't care what happens to the protesters!
EM: Do you all hear that?! He DOESN'T CARE about all of you!
BC: Oh, shut up! They're TOYS! They're not REAL!
EM: How rude! You marginalized the same people who were going to protest for you.
BC: I find it odd that you've finally figured this protest thing out ... against me.
EM: Toys have rights too!
BC: Do you mind?
EM: Or were you just protesting to protest?
BC: How else does it work?
MK: That's what I thought.
BC: I hate all of you!

Featured posts:

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Bear shows Momma his inbox

Bear gets THE e-mail ... the one that will finance his wildest dreams. What are his plans?

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: Do you have a bank account?
MK: What?!
BC: A bank account ... you know, to hold your money? Because I've followed you around for days trying to see if you have a stash around here and nothing. You've got to have money somewhere. 
MK: A what?!
BC: B ... A ...
MK: Oh, for the love, Bear. I know how to spell it. I'm just not sure why you want to know.
BC: I figure you have like ten million dollars.
MK: Why would you figure that?
BC: As miserly as you are with the treats, you must have a ton saved up. I mean, even with Smellie eating you out of house and home and all ...
MK: I don't have nearly that ...
BC: Oh, FINE! Harp on me having to SHARE with Smellie but then refuse to share your money!

MK: Now wait a minute ... huh. I can't really argue with that.
BC: If you don't have ten million ... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SPENDING MY MONEY ON!?!
MK: YOUR money? You don't make any money!
BC: I thought making money was called counterfeiting! 
MK: Not literally making money, Bear. I mean you don't bring in money. EARN money.
BC: Oh, sure. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!
MK: BEAR!
BC: I let you cuddle me ... I give you pre-authorized belly time ... I sleep with you to keep you warm, I allow you to grab me willy nilly when the world just gets to be too much, and I pose for your stupid pictures.
MK: FOR. THE. BLOG. You're the star, remember?
BC: I demand that we revise my contract.
MK: You don't have a contract.
BC: WHAT?! Why not?
MK: Because you're a HOUSE CAT.
BC: Oh, sure. Revert to calling me names!
MK: That's not what I ...
BC: I'VE BEEN SCREWED! AGAIN! Triple hard this time.
MK: Bear! Keep it down! Do you want the neighbors to hear?
BC: HEEEEEEEEELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLP! Someone! I've been catnapped! I don't know this woman! She's trying to kill me! She's trying to kill me!
EM: {walking into the room} OH! Just in time! I want to watch!
MK: Bear, the neighbors know about you by now. They stopped calling the police years ago. They certainly know about ... err ... your flair for the dramatic.
EM: That's one way to put it.
BC: She's clipping my claws! She's brushing my teeth! She's STARVING me! HEEEELP! Does that sound like someone who loves me? SAVE ME BEFORE ...
{The phone rings}
MK: I'm so sorry. I'll tell him to keep it down.
BC: Down?! Keep WHAT down? The ugly truth?
MK: THE NOISE!
BC: I'm not the one that just shouted.
MK: Bear, the neighbors can hear you and they'd rather not hear your "M'row"ing.
BC: A dead body! There's a dead body in here! No, Momma! You can't bury the body ...
MK: Momma? I thought you didn't know me?
BC: RATS! You tricked me! AGAIN! Women are tricky.

EM: Like it's really that hard to trick boys ...
BC: Oh, shut up!
{Bear walks off and comes back a few minutes later}
BC: If you did have a bank account, would the number start with 927?
MK: Phht. Yeah ...
{Pause}
MK: Wait a second ...
BC: BINGO!
MK: No tanks. No tiaras. No bazookas. No tasty whole chickens. And no dancing torties.
BC: OOH! So I can buy a chicken cannon? You didn't mention a chicken cannon.
MK: NO! What would you do with any of that?
BC: Be a complete bad-ass!
MK: You don't think your shark accomplishes that?
BC: I'm so glad I'm not going to have to put up with your miserly ways. I can buy the stuff myself!
MK: Stick up a bank with claws and fangs?
EM: Or farts! Hahahaha.
BC: I'd take an exploding Smellie. Feed her until she's about to blow ... and then BOO-YAH in their faces.
MK: Then where are you getting the money from? You certainly aren't going to EARN it.
BC: That's what I have Smellie for. She earns the money and I tell her what to do.
EM: That isn't how this ...
BC: You don't appreciate my ... err ...

{Pause}
BC: TALENTS!
EM: That's ONE word for it.
BC: Did I ask you, Smellie Yellie Bellie?
MK: I don't think tearing up the couch and chewing the slats off blinds count as talents.
BC: It's REDECORATING! I do a lot around here! You should THANK ME! Most people pay big bucks to get what I do for you for free! 
MK: Yes, I remember. The cow and the milk for free.
BC: No more! I'm a business cat! And I don't have to depend on my Momma for money anymore.
MK: I'm going to regret asking ... but why?
BC: I inherited eight million dollars! I just need your bank account information so they can wire my money into your account.
MK: Not this again.
BC: NO! This is for REAL! My long lost .. err ... uncle just died and he left me eight million dollars. We just need your help on transferring the money. This is the best day ever!
MK: Bear, are many words spelled wrong? Does the grammar make sense or is it atrocious?
BC: Maybe you didn't hear me ... EIGHT. MILLION. DOLLARS. I don't care if he can't spell. Hell, I don't care if he doesn't speak English!
MK: Bad English is usually indicative of ...
BC: This isn't the time to be a snob about spelling and grammar.
MK: And this long lost relative is from Nigeria?
BC: WHHHHHOOOA! How did you know ...

{Pause}
BC: WAIT. A. MINUTE. You've been reading my e-mail!
MK: Bear, the Nigerian thing has been around for years. Remember last time you got one of these?
BC: AND YOU RUINED IT FOR ME LAST TIME TOO! You want me to be poor and destitute. You want me to beg for every little bit of food. 
MK: Don't give me that. You have a full bowl of kibble every day ... you get a wet food treat every evening ... and treats on top of that. Not to mention all the cool stuff we get to try out for our blog. You're spoiled and get more in a month that most cats do in a lifetime!
BC: You could've fooled me! I saw all the food and cat stuff you donated a couple weeks ago!
MK: And since then have you gone hungry?
BC: Err ...
MK: Toyless?
BC: Well ...
MK: Cat bed-less?
BC: Well, there was that one time Smellie was in my bed.
MK: But you have five other beds to sleep in!
BC: I don't know. It's not like I COUNTED them or something. Can I go sister-less?

MK: No.
BC: It's not every day a long lost relation kicks the bucket and leaves you money. Not that you would understand. None of YOUR long lost relations have left you money. I wonder why that is.
MK: Because I ignore those kinds of e-mails!
BC: Then don't poop on my plans! It's your own fault you're poor.
MK: Bear, my father tracked our family back to the time of the Reformation. There aren't any long lost relatives in our family.
BC: So you poop on MY luck that I have one?
MK: Bear, I get those e-mails too and I know with 99.9% certainty that they aren't real.
BC: Miss-Know-It-All!
MK: Besides, you're a cat. You can't legally inherit anything.
BC: Who made up that nonsense?!
MK: Umm ... legally, cats are property.
BC: Of all the ... THAT'S F***ED UP! You humans think you can keep us down ... well, let me tell you, with my new found wealth, I have a plan for world domination.
EM: I can confirm the existence of that plan. But I told him I wouldn't participate.
BC: Maybe the laws in Nigeria are different. You just enjoy ruining my good time!
MK: Let me see the e-mail!
BC: I bet we can find a picture so you can see the family resemblance for yourself! 
EM: What? He wears prison stripes too? And he has a huge butt? I don't know that he's really trust ...
BC: My uncle is DEAD! It's his barrister. What is a barrister?
MK: Lawyer.
BC: Well, why didn't he just SAY that?!
MK: Bear, neither of them are real.
BC: What do you mean, he's not real? I e-mailed him for the past few hours! Who would be replying to my e-mails?
MK: It's a scam.
BC: That stuff in a can?
MK: No. That's SPAM. Either way, it's not real.
BC: I bet Mr. Buf ... fay ... ani ... something something something ... how in the hell do you pronounce ... err ... this barrister gentleman would disagree.
MK: Let me see the e-mail!
BC: Okay. But if I show you my inbox, you can't get mad.
MK: MAD?! Why would I get mad?
BC: I made some ... inquiries ... 
MK: Let me ...

{Pause}
MK: BEAR! Chickens R Us? Tanks, Tanks, and More? What order? What sales quote?
BC: You said you wouldn't get mad. 
MK: HotTortie934? SweetTortie4U? 
BC: Hot tortie is Amarula and Sweet tortie is Mudpie.
MK: You asked Mudpie to run away with you? And you asked Ellie join in your plan for world domination?
BC: You said I'm supposed to share! I was sharing my plan.
EM: So I get some of your money?
MK: ELLIE! There is no money!
EM: You just don't want to let him share with me. I'm telling my Daddy!
MK: Bear, how are you going to pay for the orders you already made?
BC: Theoretically, how much could I get for selling Smellie?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I said theoretically!
MK: There's no point in considering that because you aren't selling your sister.
BC: What about your clothes?
MK: That's it. You're grounded from the internet.
BC: Then how do I get my ten million dollars?
MK: I thought it was eight.
BC: Err ...
The Boy: I'm home!
BC: Do you have a bank account?
The Boy: WHAT?! 
BC: A bank account ... you know, to hold your money?
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Okay. Security. That's smart. If you HAD an account, what would the number be?
The Boy: 123456789.
{Ellie snickers}
BC: Perfect! Oh, this is the best day ever! I just need to reply with the ...

{Pause}
BC: Wait a minute ... VERY FUNNY! I HATE YOU! I'm not sharing any of my money with you.
The Boy: Is that supposed to be a slam? Because you don't have any money.
BC: Just rub it in! I'll NEVER get my tasty whole chicken farm! Or a tank!

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