Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and causing crimes exacerbated by proximity. This new series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat

{Momma's completely under the covers in bed ... The Boy's already up and left for work}
EM: Come on, Bear! It's MY turn!
BC: Buzz off!
EM: But Momma said ...
BC: Phht. You think I LISTEN to what Momma says?
EM: I do!
BC: Goody two shoes.
EM: But I don't wear shoes!
BC: Never mind.
EM: Come on, Bear! I want to side surf!
BC: Get your own person to side surf.
EM: But ... but ... the only other person here is Daddy! And he's at work!
BC: See? You made your bed.
EM: I don't have a bed! And Momma makes the beds!
BC: STOP TAKING EVERYTHING I SAY LITERALLY.
EM: Should I take that literally?
BC: NO!
{Pause}
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: Err ...
EM: Daddy doesn't sleep on his side. And he's ... well, Daddy!
BC: Too bad. So sad.
EM: Momma said we're supposed to share!
MK: No. What Momma said was no side surfing!
EM: Hmmm ... she did say that ... Bear ... you're a BAD example.
BC: When you're so bad you're right.
MK: Bear ...
BC: I KNEW IT! She's awake! Pet me Momma!

MK: Why do I get the feeling all of that was just an effort to find out if I was really asleep or not.
EM: Pet me!
BC: I was here first! Pet me!
EM: But you always go first!
BC: We need to find her breathe-y hole!
MK: Come on, you two! I'm tired! The sheets are over my head for a reason.
EM: Are you scared? Because when I get scared I hide!
MK: No ...
BC: You've been laying here for several hours! Clearly you slept!
EM: There's no reason to be scared Momma! Bear and I ... err ... I will protect you.
MK: I slept? I keep being woken up by two cats.
EM: There are other cats around here? I don't see any! What do they look like? Are they going to steal my laps or my sparkle balls? Because I like laps and sparkle balls and I don't want to share.
BC: Found the breathe-y hole!
MK: OWWWWW! That's my nose. Get your claw out of my nose.
BC: You're welcome. Now pet me.
MK: Then you have to stop side surfing.
BC: But I wasn't side surfing!
EM: It sure looked like it to ...
BC: Will you just SHUT UP? I was playing king of the mountain!
EM: It looks a lot like side ...
BC: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Oh, dear kitty gods ... she is just too stupid to bear!

EM: But I'm not Bear! I'm Ellie! And I don't think there is a such thing as you being too stupid. I mean, you do pretty good ...
BC: SHUT UP!
EM: Don't tell me to shut up! YOU shut up! I'm tired of you always telling me to shut up. You're the stupid one.
BC: Oh, you DID NOT just go there.
EM: What are you talking about? I didn't go anywhere! I'm right here!
BC: I can't work with ... THIS!
EM: But you don't work!
BC: You're beyond help.
EM: HMPH! There's always the chance that I'll wake up tomorrow and be helped ... but you have no chance of being anything but a jerk face!
BC: I'll help you ... right upside the head!
EM: OWWW!
MK: Can you two take this somewhere else?
EM: But we want to be around you!
MK: Can you two manage that QUIETLY?
BC: Hahahahahahaha. Like she doesn't KNOW us.
MK: I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
BC: No one's keeping you awake!
EM: Oh! I get to side surf! I get to side surf!
MK: Remember? I said no side surfing.
EM: Awwww. But Bear ....
MK: If Bear jumped off a bridge, would you follow him?
EM: Phht. Of course not! I'd be there to push him!
BC: Not if I pushed you first!
EM: Bear IS stupid enough to jump off a bridge though.
BC: Phht. How else would one catch a tasty whole chicken?
EM: You're a non-tasty whole @$$!
MK: And I ask this again ... can you two do this somewhere else?
BC: Why?
MK: Never mind. I should've known better. 
{Momma walks into the family room, lays down on the couch and covers up}
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: {turning toward the sound to find Bear staring at her from the edge of the couch} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
BC: You don't look so great yourself! You accidentally stick your paw ... err ... hand in the socket again?
MK: I just want to sleep!
BC: After you pet me.
MK: FINE!
EM: OH! Me too! Me too!
BC: Copy cat.
EM: DUMB cat!
BC: I suggest you take that back.
EM: I suggest you jump off a bridge!
MK: {AHEM} How is it that I'm up all day and you two sleep - and at night when I want to sleep, you're all over me?
BC: Duh. We sleep during the day because we're crawling over you all night.
EM: Well, not ALL night.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I told you that was a ... Hi, Momma!
MK: What's she talking about?
BC: I don't know! It's not like we're doing ...
EM: BEAR!
BC: Nuts! Momma's are tricky.
MK: Is this why I get up in the morning and find your cat beds tossed all over the room and a bunch of other stuff knocked over?
BC: Err ... is that a trick question? 
MK: Bear?
BC: WHAT?! I didn't do it! That's Miss Earthquake here. She gets so into playing with her sparkle balls that she could rearrange the furniture. Feel the earth move ... under her feet.
EM: HA! I don't HAVE feet! I have PAWS!
BC: Paws! Whatever! You know what I meant! Wherever you go, it shakes the ground like a herd of elephants.
EM: Hmph. I'm HUNTING. I've only killed my green sparkle ball 792,902,002 times!
BC: Phht. First rule of violence ... 
EM: Don't talk about violence?

BC: NO! Don't talk about it ... must I explain EVERYTHING? How do you think I keep my micey in line? HELLO. Threats of violence. First rule of violence is get it all out of the way. No point in prolonging it. 
EM: Oh. So THAT'S why you try to beat me up? Getting it out of the way?
BC: That's not entirely fair. You're the size of a hippo and a rhino and and you're just fun to mess with.
EM: I REALLY wish there was a bridge around here.
BC: Phht. If you're hunting tasty whole chickens, my money's on the chickens.
EM: But you don't have any money.
BC: OH, SHUT UP! I can't think with all your yammering!
EM: But I'm not always yammering and you don't think any better then.
BC: You never shut up!
EM: And you never think!
BC: Then shut up!
EM: Then think!
BC: I can't!
MK: What I've been hypothesizing for years!
BC: I didn't ask you!
MK: I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
BC: No one's stopping you!
MK: I can't fall asleep with all this racket and you two vying for attention. 
BC: Hmph. Now you know what's it's like for us when you talk and laugh and do stuff during the day when we're trying to sleep.
MK: I left the bedroom and you both followed me!
BC: Hmph. I don't FOLLOW anyone. I do what I want when I want. Follow? Phht. Like I'm a dog. Or Smellie.
EM: I follow Momma because I love her. 
BC: Dog-like.
EM: I'd rather be dog-like than Bear-like!
BC: That's your problem, not mine. Besides, NOT surprising. You BEGGED Momma and The Boy to be a dog last week!

EM: You promised to never bring that up!
BC: Too bad. So sad. Let's see ... what about the time you thought you were a dolphin and jumped in the toilet?
EM: BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME I WAS A DOLPHIN!
BC: And ...
EM: Do you really want to keep this up? Because I have enough dirt on you to fill the Grand Canyon several times over.
BC: I have no idea what dirt you could have ...
EM: Rolling your shark bed down the hall? No! When you flipped your carrier in the car! Then there's the time you ran into the wall ...
BC: I keep forgetting. Women never shut up. And they have long memories.
MK: Can I sleep now? Or are you two going to keep up this howling? Ellie, lay down. And Bear ... go to your shelf!
BC: What if I don't WANT to ... I want to be ON THE RECORD as saying I OBJECT to this ...{seeing Momma's face} ... err ... my shelf it is.
EM: Hmph. I'm going to sleep in my cat bed.

BC: I think you mean MY cat bed.
EM: Nope. I'm pretty sure it's mine.

BC: I'll come show you ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Err ... after my nap. But right now, I'm going to sleep on my shelf ... quietly.
EM: Like that's going to last long!
BC: Do you ever SHUT UP?
MK: Oh, for the ... I could ask the same question!
BC: Err ... sorry, Momma.
{Light snoring from Ellie in her bed}
BC: Oh, great! Now I have to listen to THAT! As if YOUR snoring is bad enough!
MK: No problem. You two stay out here and I'll sleep in the bedroom.
BC: But I want to be close to you!
MK: I thought I snored too loud.
BC: Err ... never mind.
{Momma walks back to the bedroom, considers closing the door and then decides not to because when she gets to sleep, she likes her kittens with her ... usually}
BC: *&^# this @*&!
EM: HEY! I was sleeping! STOP LICKING ME!
BC: Will you stop squirming? I'm trying to love you!
EM: Oh. Love? You ... LOVE me?
BC: You're in my bed.
EM: STOP. LICKING. ME!
BC: Stop resisting.
EM: Stop trying to steal my bed!
BC: Hmph. YOUR bed has MY butt print.
EM: It does not!
BC: Get out and I'll show you!
EM: I'm not going to fall for ...
{Pause}
EM: HEY! Get your tongue out of my ear!
BC: Move.
EM: You don't love me! You're just licking me so I'll move!
BC: Can't get anything past this one! Well, except the dolphin thing ... being adopted ... Momma sleeping upside down in the closet ... bite club ...
EM: {jumping out of the bed} YOU'RE A JERK!

BC: Yeah. Yeah. Don't mind if I do. Beauty rest time. Although ... my bed now smells like ... like ... SMELLIE! Smellie cooties! Smellie cooties! SMOOTIES! Hahahahahaha.
EM: MOMMA!
BC: Nice try. She has her ear plugs in. So ...

EM: I HATE YOU!
BC: {getting into the bed} That's what I thought. MY bed.

EM: FINE! I'm going to snuggle with Momma! You're not invited!
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: {settling into the bed} Tired. Comfy. Don't want to move. Warm. Nice ... bed ... Sleeeeeeeppy. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.



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Friday, January 25, 2019

You know you're a cat person when ...

Cats are unique and exquisite creatures - yet they have quirks that make even the most understanding of humans scratch their heads. A cat is the only pet that will destroy your couch and then blame you for its demise. Cats are easy to love but these aberrations can be hard to understand. It is with that appreciation, admiration, and love for our feline friends that I share how you know you're a cat person.



YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CAT PERSON WHEN ...

😼 You have entire conversations with your cats and you - at least at one point - say "I know, I know." 

😼 You have a conversation with your cat, and you hear them they talk back to you and ask questions. 



😼 Cats lose their toys ... we lose our keys. Yet you're most excited about finding the cat toys. 

😼 You accidentally step on your cat ... and spend the next half hour chasing it around apologizing and making sure it's not hurt, meanwhile traumatizing the poor cat further. 

😼 You meet someone new, the first question you ask yourself is "Will my cat like them?"



😼  The majority of the exercise you get in any given day is chasing the cats around. 

😼 You don't hesitate to talk about your cat's potty habits and if they're regular - even around non-cat people. 

😼 The first thing that comes to mind after seeing some cool trinket is, "I wonder how long it would take my cats to destroy that?" Skip right over the, "WHOA! That's cool! I have to have that!" When you love something, you should let it go and be enjoyed in houses without furry terrorists. 

😼 You know how skittish cats may be; also "crazies" is a noun, verb and adjective.



😼 You know the cat being adorable isn't justification for waking him up, fawning over her or otherwise disturbing a cat - especially if that disturbance is from a nap.

😼 Butt checks and breathing checks are a thing.

😼 You don't know what to do without fur - on your clothes, in your food ... everywhere. The world just doesn't shine as brightly without cat fur.

😼 You put something on the floor and the cat lays on it - and you don't have the heart to make the cat move until he's good and ready.

😼 You know hissing happens. And clawing. And biting. And fur. And fang marks.

😼 You know the cat didn't do it. Ever.



😼 You know leaving anything lying around is a challenge to the feline of the house to knock it off, or otherwise confiscate it.

😼 You walk into a room and aren't alarmed that a cat is on the table or counter, etc. Likewise, you no longer freak out when little furry things jump out at you and you are used to that dark ball that's almost constantly stalking you through the house.

😼 You see something on the floor, but you don't bend over to see what it is - assuming it's just a cat toy.

😼 You are secure in the knowledge that cats' tastes change - and the wet food variety you fed your cat 5,338,046 times will be tomorrow's nose-up - ESPECIALLY after you buy a case.



😼 You know that any food bowl less than 98.39762% full is actually EMPTY and death by starvation is imminent.

😼 You know with almost certainty that a cat's absolute favorite mousie is the EXACT SAME in appearance as the second favorite mousie - but the cat can and will tell them apart. Trying to substitute one mousie for another will not save you from inevitably dragging favorite mousie from under the couch.

😼 You know cats are ferocious and brutal; therefore laughing when they hiss or bite at you is insulting to their savage nature. This is an act of war.



😼 You recognize "toy" is in the eye of the beholder. If a cat can bat it, it better be bolted down if you want to keep it.

😼 You learn play time is over when the cat says so. And perhaps, even before it starts.

😼 You learn that sometimes "playing" is a relative term that involves a human waving a cat toy around and a cat to ignore it.

😼 You accept that your cat must supervise everything you do and you accept his desire to "help." There is no such thing as "privacy" when you share your home with a cat. Also, the cat knows what you're NOT supposed to do and he'll remind you ... loudly.

😼 You know that when your cat wants attention he'll come to you - and you initiate contact anyway because he's sitting there so adorably.



😼 You know the way to a cat's heart is food, food, and more food. ESPECIALLY if the food is tuna. It doesn't matter WHOSE food it is. If the cat wants it ... the cat gets it.

😼 You know boxes are gold. A cat trap is as simple as putting a box on the floor.

😼 Forty pounds of cat litter and twenty pounds of cat food don't seem like a lot.

😼 You know when the cat wants to be invisible, you better treat him that way or you'll be sorry.

😼 You know that if your cat can't see you - he expects you don't see him.

😼 You recognize you are there at your cat's discretion - not the other way around.



😼 You know boobs and bellies make good shelves for cats.

😼 You check to make sure the cat is on the proper side of the door when you exit and enter the premises, walk into or out of rooms, and open closets or the pantry.

😼 You know the appearance of your reaction is motivation enough for the cat to misbehave.

😼 You don't even bother to tell your cat to stop misbehaving. You know he'll do what he wants and that he'll make you watch. You also know if you ignore him, you are opening a crap storm on yourself.


😼 You know everything your cat does is the result of a careful and complex decision process. At times, his actions might appear like random whims ... but he knows what he's doing.

😼 You know what your cat is capable of - after watching him kill the same mousie 953 times. You watch with awe and a growing fear that you might be next.

😼 You don't even think to warn visitors you have a cat - it's just the way it is - your reality.



😼 You walk around the house in a way an outsider would think was bizarre (a series of odd stops, sideways movements, skips, and leaps): 1) so as not to provoke your cat's hunting instinct, or 2) so as to avoid stepping on a cat lounging in the middle of the room or hallway (especially in the dark), or 3) for the times when your friend is following you everywhere to avoid tripping over (or stepping on) the cat (or his tail). Bonus points if you've had to go to the doctor because of these antics - and you told the truth of how you got hurt (ie exhibiting resignation).

😼 You accept that no home decorating project is complete without the "modifications" and feedback of your cat. Because "cat-safe" spots are at a premium (and don't receive sunlight) many pretty things must be left in their boxes, in the closets, and plants are not allowed (unless you enjoy waking up in the morning to a pot tipped over and a pile of dirt - with no trace of the plant or its roots). Also, the cat is a humbug when it comes to holiday decorations so you no longer even attempt to be festive (preventing the cat's need to be "festive" himself). You give up on holiday decorations even for "safe" real estate because the cat spends so much time staring at them and seemingly plotting ways to "redecorate" them, that you become paranoid and put them away anyway.

😼 You know that no matter how adorable your cat is, you ARE NOT to touch her after she grooms herself lest you contaminate her perfectly manicured fur.



😼 You never close any door. EVER.

😼 You can sleep with your face covered by a sleeping cat.

😼 You sleep better with a cat sleeping on your bladder, with a claw in your side.

😼 A cat on your lap means you don't get up despite having to pee, with half of your body asleep, and really late to go somewhere. Trying to get up will only provoke the nasty look we all know our cats are capable of.

😼 You know that nasty look is also provoked when one gets the cat wet in any capacity - actually, you don't have to be involved at all. If it's water and she get's it in her fur - even if it's not your fault and you have no idea what's going on - you can bet the cat will blame you.

😼 You know that you can buy all the expensive beds, toys, accessories you want - but if the cat refuses to use them, you better get over it.



😼 You're not phased by the alarming noises made when a cat's barfing.

😼 You know the venus-hand trap maneuver - namely the promised land of the cat shown for your benefit - that you just can't resist touching - and the cat can't resist biting you for.

😼 Your vocabulary includes the kind of words uttered when one steps in a pile of barf. But otherwise you don't even flinch.

😼 Your vocabulary includes the kind of words uttered when one steps on a hard cat toy.

😼 Everything smells like fish (90% of the wet food you give the cat is fish - by demand). EVERYTHING. The cat's breath (and sneezes), the cat's creations, etc. are ALL fish. The thought of eating fish yourself causes you to want to make a "creation" of your own.



😼 You know every pull and scratched up spot of carpet in the house and you vacuum as if you're in a field of land mines.

😼 Every time you see a kitty - even one that owns you - your voice goes up two octaves and you say, "It's a kitty!!!"



😼 You say hello and/or good-bye to your cat[s] every time the cat[s] walk in to or out of the room.

😼 You have fifteen ... THOUSAND nicknames for your cat[s] and you regularly come up with new ones. About three-fourths of these are embarrassing to the cat.

😼 You know the term "pussy-footing" ... but you also know that putting more than one cat together, you have a pounding herd ... up and down the hall way.

😼 You know it's impossible to go to the bathroom without an audience. In fact, you only notice when you don't have an audience. Yet you still feel mildly guilty for walking into a room and catching your cat licking his butt.

😼 The sound of purring relaxes you.

😼 You know that with cats, quiet is suspicious.


😼 It doesn't phase you anymore to find your cat staring at the wall. For hours.

😼 You're a master at "cat-proofing" your house so the cat can't hurt himself or burn down the house.

😼 When you walk up to another person's house, you look for cats in the windows.

😼 You know your cats are not amused by any jokes - and if you ask the kittens where their mittens are, be prepared for their complete disdain.

😼 It doesn't phase you to have to wipe a cat's butt.

😼 If you accidentally see the cat in the litter box, you pretend you didn't see anything.

😼 You don't leave important papers out anymore ... as the cat takes that as a challenge to prove he shreds better than any machine shredder.



😼 It doesn't phase you when a cat sneezes in your face.

😼 You know the spots where your cat hangs out (litter box, cat tree, while sleeping, or while he is stalking or hunting you) that you are not to disturb them or acknowledge his existence.  You accept that there are places your cat hangs out that you are not to disturb him or so much as look at him when he is in those spots.



😼 You grudgingly admit that your cat has at least two hiding spots that you will never find; whenever the cat is in those spots, he's lost to you and not coming out until he feels like it. Therefore, if you MUST take him somewhere (i.e. vet) you have to make sure he doesn't get far enough away from you to slide into one of those spots before you get there (or see).

😼 You aren't phased when you find your cat staring at you ... for hours.



😼 You know cats do exactly what they want, when they want, how they want, where they want.

😼 You know sharing isn't in a cat's vocabulary. It's either HIS or OURS. And while that line might be up for debate, the cat usually wins.

😼 You know the cat can hear the treat bag or the can opening before you even shake or open it.



😼 You spend most of your day staring at a cat butt. And it no longer bothers you (much).

😼 You grow a mustache that looks A LOT like a cat tail on your upper lip.

😼 You can't help but admire your cat aloud when he prances in front of you ... "You're such a pretty girl/handsome boy," "Your tail is so pretty," "You have fantastic stripe-y pants!"



😼 You learn that being on the wrong side of a closed door is a disaster.

😼 You know the cat interprets anything he doesn't want to do (vet visit, claw clipping, etc) as life-threatening and a matter of life and death. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that he would fight accordingly.

😼 You know cats don't have anger management problems - just PERSONALITY.

😼 You know that if you rent your home, you will never ever get your deposit back.



😼 You know that your cat is totally flexible as long as everything is her way.

😼 You know humanity is vastly inferior to felines in just about every way - except in humanity's possession of a thumb. You're reminded of your inferio ... err ... humanity at any time ... by THE LOOK that makes you feel stupider than dirt. Being a higher life form than humanity, you don't even bother to make sense of what cats do or don't do.

😼 You realize that despite the bluster, indignant attitude and wild idiosyncrasies of your feline (and how easy it is to laugh at them), you know your cat has a heart that equals, if not exceeds, the size of even the most loving of people and dogs.



😼 You acknowledge that your cat owns everything, gets first dibs on everything and only lets you use your belongings per his discretion.

😼 You don't need a clock because you live on "cat time." It's time when the cat says it's time and not a minute before or later.

😼 You're owned by a cat and not only do you like it that way - but you wouldn't have it any other way.



😼 You know that while a cat likes to let it all hang out and be himself without worrying about getting in trouble, he'll miss you while you're gone.

😼 You recognize you are there at your cat's discretion - not the other way around.

😼 You realize the house is owned by [a] cat[s] and you don't even fight it anymore.

😼 You dread any time spent at home without your cat - it feels lonely and you constantly panic without thinking because you don't see or hear all the noises that tell you that you are home (purring, pitter pat of little feet, licking, etc.). You have no idea what to do with yourself. And even though he's not there, you continue to talk out loud as if he is.

Did we miss any?  

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

His Royal Beariness

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {thinking} I'm so glad we're over Bear's counter cruising. I can't remember the last time I saw him up there! I guess it's probably a sign of his age - which makes me sad ... but it's nice to know I can leave things out now without fear of Bear trying to fight them or knock them off the counter.
{THUNK!}
MK: {busy with her work and thinking at the same time} Huh? Eh. Being the pack rat I am, that could be anything. I'll clean it up in a minute.
{A few minutes pass}
BC: He he he. She has no clue. NO CLUE! I've been up here for ten minutes and she has no idea. She ignored the signs since I made her think I don't get on the counter anymore. Can you say ... GENIUS?

BC: On second thought, I'm technically not on the counter ... I'm on the stove. My brilliant geniusity frightens me sometimes.
{Pause}
BC: Watch this. I'm going to knock this lid to the floor and she still won't figure it out!

{WHACK!}
{CLATTER!}
MK: {thinking} Darn pots! How annoying! They always fall out of the cabinet.
{THUNK!}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BYE! It's after me! It's after me!

{Bear streaks past Momma and takes off down the hall}
MK: Huh. That's interesting. {noticing the aftermath} What the ... BEAR!
BC: {from somewhere deep in the house} I DIDN'T DO IT!
MK: Do what?
BC: I didn't knock the lid to the pot to the floor ... 
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: So it had help. I can't believe I missed the TELL TALE signs of a cat on the counter.
BC: Technically, I wasn't on the counter.
MK: It's been so long since I've heard that "THUNK!" and an item falling to the floor. I didn't realize what it was at first.
BC: I wasn't on the counter and I was ALMOST KILLED by the lid! And all you can talk about is THUNKS!
MK: Maybe you should've kept your paws to yourself.
BC: What fun is that? If I hadn't knocked something off the counter, you wouldn't have ever known I was up there! What's the point of being on the counter ... err ... stove, if you don't know that I was on the counter ... err ... stove?
MK: So you get up there for my benefit.
BC: You're welcome. But I also get up there to check for tasty whole chickens. You snooze, you lose - and no chicken is safe from me.
MK: And how many chickens have you found on that counter?
BC: They hide. They know the unspeakable things I'd do to them.
MK: AND you managed to freak yourself out when the lid hit the floor. The lid YOU knocked off the counter.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
MK: And what's really freaky about this whole thing is that I was JUST thinking about you not getting on the counter anymore.
BC: For the last time ... I WASN'T ON THE COUNTER! I was on the stove! 
MK: Thank you for clarifying that.
BC: Phht. If you have eyes in the back of your head and know what I'm doing before I do it - I get some voodoo who-do magic too! Although ...
{Pause}
BC: You had no idea I was on the counter ... 
MK: {AHEM!}
BC: WHAT? 
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I was on the STOVE. I was on the stove! But you didn't even know it, so maybe your powers are waning or I'm getting smarter about masking my thoughts.
{Bear jumps up on the table next to where Momma's working}

MK: You look ridiculous.
BC: You don't see ME telling you that you look ridiculous when you're dancing ... or with your doughnut butt!
MK: Actually ....
BC: Fine. MUCH. I don't tell you MUCH.
MK: So that's what happened to the tin foil.
BC: You're just jealous you didn't think of it first.
MK: Aluminum foil doesn't do any good at hiding your thoughts.
BC: Hmph. I'm not stupid.
MK: Okay. I'm not wearing tin foil ... What am I thinking?
BC: We really need to get rid of Smellie.
MK: Now?
BC: This is a stupid game to play with your cat.
MK: Those were all your own thoughts.
BC: RATS! Let me take this off. My thoughts must be reflecting back my way.
{Pause}
BC: There. Let's try that again.
MK: What am I thinking?
BC: You don't think.
MK: You set me up.
BC: I thought it was pretty funny.
MK: Say goodbye to your aluminum foil hat.
BC: At least put it to some good use ... like over Smellie's face.
EM: What's going on out here?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
EM: Awww ... come on, Bear.
{Pause}
EM: Are you doing your business?
BC: Do I look like a bus?
EM: Excuse me?
BC: Buses do bus-i-ness. I do Beariness. Beariness is personal dealings or transactions of Bear.
MK: That is the STUPIDEST thing you've ever ...
{Pause}
MK: No. Hmmm. That doesn't even rank in the top ten.
EM: Huh. Makes sense to me. Momma? Did you know buses do business?

MK: Ellie, STOP BELIEVING EVERYTHING BEAR SAYS! 
EM: So buses don't do business?
MK: You know what? You two deserve each other.
BC: HEY! I don't deserve Smellie!
{Pause}
BC: There's a pile of barf around here somewhere with your name on it, Momma.
MK: OH! A chance to try out the new cleaner we're supposed to review!
BC: YAY! Bear barfed all over the bed! Way to go! Bear barfed all over the closet. And I GET TO CLEAN IT UP! PAR-TAY!
MK: Haha. I get it. Excitement about cleaning up barf is a little ... misplaced.
BC: Misplaced? You don't get out much!
{Momma walks off in search of vomit}
EM: Hahahaha. The barf and your attitude? Beariness!
BC: That sounds cute and cuddly when you say it.
EM: You like to cuddle with Momma.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! You never know who's listening! I have NO IDEA WHAT you're talking about! I am NOT a Momma's ...
MK: {from the other room} BEAR CAT KAT!
EM: She found it.
BC: Give me some credit. "It?" "It"s are for cats like you. More like she found the WHOOOOOOOOSH!
MK: {walking into the room} How is it that you managed to barf in THREE ROOMS?!
BC: Err ... my aim was off?
MK: The second Chewy item we ordered this month is a cleaner to clean up all the things that get messy around here.
BC: HEY! Get your nose out of my ...
EM: I found a place to spray it! Actually ... you can spray it all up in that direction.
BC: HEY! You're the one we call Smellie!
EM: Only because it rhymes with my name! You actually ARE smelly. Boys.
MK: Wait wait wait. This cleaner isn't for cats - it's to clean up pet messes on floors.
BC: Let me get this straight ... you chose carpet cleaner as one of the two choices we get from Chewy this month? I don't even know you anymore.

EM: He's right, Momma. Carpet cleaner? How could you?


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Disclosure: We received Nature's Miracle Advanced Dog Stain & Odor Remover - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Nature's Miracle nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post. #ChewyInfluencer

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{Pause}

EM: Wait a minute ... this says it's for DOG messes! We don't have a dog! 
{Pause}
EM: {looking around} Do we?
BC: If you have to ask ...
EM: Because Bear said ... and now this ...
BC: Hahaha. SURPRISE! You're a dog!
EM: I don't believe that! You made me think I'm a dolphin ... a horse ... but even I know I'm not a dog.
BC: Bark!
EM: Arf.
{Pause}
EM: Holy tuna-sticks! I'm good at that!
{Pause}
EM: ARF! ARF ARRRRRRRRF! ARF!
The Boy: {walking in the front door} Err ... excuse me, I must have the wrong house.
EM: NO! Daddy! WAIT! I'm a dog! I can roll over and fetch and ...
BC: Be annoying ...
The Boy: Don't listen to Bear. You're not a dog.
EM: Awwww ... I was starting to like life as a dog. Can I be a dog? PLEASE?
BC: My sister's a fourth wit. Not even a HALF wit. Just a fourth! Then again, very dog-like.

EM: THANKS! That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
BC: Hmmm ... relatively ... yeah, probably.
EM: Can I be a dog?
The Boy: Ask your Momma.
{Momma and The Boy look at each other}
MK: Thanks.
EM: Can I be a dog, Momma? PLEASE?!
The Boy: I don't even know what to say.
BC: Life is better that way.
MK: GREAT! You can help me clean up Bear's barf trail through three rooms!
BC: Yes, yes. I know. I outdid myself. I knew we had this cleaner to test ... aren't I helpful?
MK: The cleaner we're trying is Nature's Miracle Advanced Dog Stain & Odor Remover. It's for use on carpets, hard floors, furniture and fabric. AND it's safe for pets.

{Pause}
MK: Nature's Miracle Advanced Stain and Odor Remover uses enzymes to remove organic material like urine, diarrhea, vomit and blood from floors and surfaces. Nature's Miracle claims it's so effective that the odors are eliminated - which reduces the chance of re-soiling.
BC: Good luck. This cleaner's never met ME before.
MK: Let's test it and see how well it cleans up Bear's messes.
BC: One person's mess is another person's masterpiece.
MK: Okay. First, pick up the solids and blot as much of the stain as possible. Next, spray the spot thoroughly and wait fifteen minutes.
{Twenty minutes pass}
MK: After fifteen minutes, blot the stain out and let the area dry for twenty-four hours. TADA!
{Pause}
MK: Here's spot number one ...
{Momma shows what the stain looks like now}

{Pause}
MK: And here's spot number two ...
{Momma shows what the stain looks like now}

MK: Not bad? Right? And without harsh cleaning chemicals!
BC: WHAT?!?! There's NO sign of my barf extravaganza! No record of my barf-ploits? There HAS to be a record! If there's no record, it's like it never happened! Like, "On this side here is Bear's barf-a-pallooza from 2013. Notice the intricate detail!" "And over here we have Bear's barftastic episode from 2015. Notice the stain is in the shape of ..."
The Boy: Your Momma gets that one.
BC: I must up my barf game. Barf like no one's ever barfed before. I accept the challenge. In fact, I've got one I've been saving for a special occasion. 
MK: Oh, for the love. Carpet cleaner isn't glamorous, but it's important - especially when one has a barf-master like Bear. As I've said before, Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying 
Nature's Miracle Advanced Dog Stain & Odor Remover? Go visit Chewy and order a bottle for your favorite feline (or pup)!

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.


Featured post:
To read more about what Bear's "things" are ... It's a Bear thing.