Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Ellie learns to snuggle [kind of]

Ellie's new to snuggling and Bear and Momma try to catch her up. Of course, things don't go exactly as planned; it is our house after all!

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

MK: Ahhh. Feels good to finally put my feet up and ...
BC: Wha?
EM: {on the side of the loveseat} [AHEM].
MK: Hi, Ellie.
EM: Ummm ... what are you doing?
MK: I'm about to take a nap.
BC: {running in to the room} Nap? Snuggle time?! I'm here, Momma! Your handsome stripe-y pants is here and ready to snuggle!
EM: Mmm ... hmmm. Humans take naps? Are they still called cat naps if a person is the one napping?
MK: Ummm ...
BC: Deep thoughts by Smellie Neigh.
EM: No thoughts ... by Bear Cat.
BC: Hey, now!
EM: Is my lap broken?
MK: What?
EM: Well, I need a lap and with the way you're laying ... there's no lap! Is my lap broken?
MK: I have something even better!
EM: Better than LAPS?!?!

BC: You blew her mind. Well, what there is of one.
MK: You know how you like to lay on my side while I'm in bed?
EM: Yeah.
MK: Well, instead of leaving after a couple minutes, you could SNUGGLE.
EM: HUH? Why would I want to do that?
MK: It's a bonding thing.
EM: If that's true, do you think I could snuggle with Bear until he likes me?
BC: Not even if you snuggle with me until I'm dead.
EM: So umm ... this snuggling thing ... how do we do it? Is there something I need to know? Some etiquette? Do I need to study? Does snuggling hurt?
MK: You don't need to worry about how. And it won't hurt. There's no wrong way to snuggle. 
BC: Especially with a Momma involved! 
EM: And are you sure nothing will eat me? You won't like roll over on me or something? I won't fall off? Is there a certain position?
BC: I've been snuggling with Momma every day for thirteen years and she's never let me fall off. And she's never rolled onto me either. OUCH! You just have to trust her.
EM: Trust? Ummm ... 
BC: The worst thing that happens is that Momma might drool on you. She drools in her sleep.
EM: Ummm ... I don't like to get wet.
BC: After the last week where you sneezed in Momma's face every single day, I think it's all good.

EM: I don't know ...
{Pause}
EM: Will Momma lick me? Because I don't like being licked unless I'm doing the licking.
BC: Wait ... you don't like being licked?
EM: Erm ...
{Pause}
EM: STOP LICKING ME!
BC: You're overthinking this. Now THAT'S something I never thought I'd say about you.
EM: Do I have to?
MK: NO! Of course not.
BC: Whew! More snuggle for me!
{Pause}
BC: {jumping onto the loveseat} Let me show you how it's done. First, you jump on the loveseat and jump on Momma.
{Pause as Momma pets Bear}
BC: SEE?! She's petting me! I like ear ... oooooh ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
EM: But ... but ... I want ear rubs!
BC: Purr ... See, you walk around on Momma in circles until you find just the right ... purr ... spot.
{Bear settles into the small hole between the back of the loveseat and Momma}
BC: Did you notice how I made a point to stick my butt in her face and show her my tail?
EM: Phht. YOUR tail. You haven't seen a tail until you've seen MY tail!

BC: Just because you said that, I'm not moving!
EM: Now what do you do?
BC: What do you mean?
EM: Aren't you supposed to be snuggling?
BC: We are!
EM: I don't see it! What are you doing? 
BC: Spending time together!
MK: Touching!
EM: Are you sticking your back claw in Momma's side like you did the other night? Is that what you mean by "snuggling?" Because I'm pretty sure Momma used another word ...
BC: SEE?!?! It's easy! Momma and I are bonding! We keep each other warm. She pets me and I purr. She tells me I'm a handsome kitty ...
{Ellie busts out laughing}
BC: WHAT?!?! What's your problem?
EM: She tells you ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... you're a handsome ... HAHAHAHAHAHA ...
BC: Well, that's just rude! I have handsome stripe-y pants you know! And my Momma loves me. So THERE!
EM: She also loves The Boy.
BC: You just had to rub my nose in that, didn't you?
{Ellie continues to laugh}
BC: MOMMA LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER AND WE LIKE TO SNUGGLE! CAN YOU WRAP YOUR SHORT-WITTED MIND AROUND THAT?
EM: {jumping down from the love seat} Sheesh.

BC: Don't interrupt my moment with my Momma. We're like master snugglers and we take care of each other. This is what we DO. This is how we rescue each other and enjoy life together.
MK: Want to try?
EM: Err ... I don't know ...
BC: You're right. It's really not that great!
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: {whispering} Just go along with it, Momma. Then it can always be me and you. It's bad enough that I have to wait in line for your lap sometimes - but what if I have to wait to snuggle with you?! Once Smellie tries it ... she'll realize how great it is ... and it won't be just you and me. 
MK: But I love Ellie too! I want to snuggle with her too.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Why choose a ... a ... base model when you can have ultimate luxury? You're my Momma! I look out for you and take care of threats and take care of you and fix everything ...
MK: Just because I snuggle with Ellie a time or two doesn't change that. Remember when you didn't want her to be on my lap? We still have our special times even though she's on my lap now sometimes.
BC: But I don't like having to share. First, The Boy ... now THIS!
MK: I know life was great when it was just us ...
BC: YEAH! So why go and blow everything?
MK: I didn't mean for any of it to happen. I wasn't looking for a life partner other than you. I wasn't looking for another cat. But it happened and I tried to be brave enough to not seize the opportunity when it presented itself.
BC: Hmph.

MK: You know, there was once a kitten that I met outside that I fell in love with. Logically, it was a bad idea to adopt him - with Kitty being sick like she was at the time. But my heart couldn't let that kitten go.
EM: Huh? You had another cat?
MK: And outside of a time or two when handling that much cat seemed too much ... I haven't regretted a day - or minute.
BC: Did you hear that, Smellie? TOO MUCH CAT.
EM: Momma was talking about the other cat. Not you.
BC: I am that other cat!
EM: Oh. That makes sense.
BC: What?
EM: I already know you're too much cat! How can I not when you sit on me?
BC: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!! And besides, you're just as big as me!
EM: Not my ego.
BC: Phht. What do you have to warrant an ego?
EM: The love of a good Momma? She could've walked right by my enclosure - but her heart was open to my call.
BC: I think I'm going to barf.
MK: HEY, now! Not on me!
BC: Well, that is a hazard of snuggling.
MK: Just like a claw to the side ... or a sneeze in my face ... or an up-close-and-personal look at a cat's butt.
BC: Oh, yeah? How many times have you drooled on me? OH! And the times you just HAD to get up when I was comfy?
MK: HEY! I've sacrificed my bladder and feeling in limbs ... but when your back paw goes right to the bladder ... and my leg's asleep so I can't run ...
BC: Oh, yeah! It's ALL about you!
MK: Now, look here ...
EM: Is this part of snuggling?

MK: Is what part?
EM: Arguing!
MK: NO!
BC: YES!
{Pause as both Momma and Bear think}
MK: He's right!
BC: She's right!
MK: No. You're right. When you're close to another person ... err ... cat, space can get a little tight.
{Pause}
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! That's your entire back set of claws!
BC: Oops.
MK: Your brother's done. Want to try to snuggle with me, Ellie?
EM: Err ... no, thanks. I'll just wait for a lap.
MK: Are you sure?
BC: Phht! You're going to have to wait for a while! I'm snuggling with my Momma!
MK: Then get your @*&! claws out of my belly.
BC: Huh. Who knew. I thought you had sufficient padding ...
MK: Oh, NO you DIDN'T!
BC: Oh, yes, I did!
MK: This is nice.
BC: I know.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I love you, Momma.
EM: Ummm ... WHAT?!?!?! This snuggling thing is too complicated for me.
BC: YOUR LOSS!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

Featured posts:
For all his attitude, Bear's proudly a Momma's boy. Whether it's making Momma laugh, or snuggling with her, or fixing the ills in her life - he always knows just what she needs. To read more ...

Friday, July 12, 2019

Yellie strikes again

The Boy's at work and Momma's busy sorting through the water damaged items. Yellie expresses her feelings about Momma's care. Unfortunately, Momma can't understand her and Bear's not exactly a reliable translator. What's a Momma to do?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

EM: Mew me-eow meow m'ow mrow mow!!!
MK: Stop yelling at me, Yellie!
EM: M'row ew mew mow mrow mew mew m'ow!
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: I know! I just wanted you to tell me what Ellie's complaining about.
BC: I ...
MK: No, wait. You didn't do what?
BC: Can I plead the Fifth?
MK: You want a fifth? Only if you want one-fifth of your wet food treat.
EM: Me-eow meow m'row ew mew mow.
BC: Oh, shut up! Isn't it bad enough that I have to LIVE with you ... but to have to LISTEN to you too?

MK: What did she say?
BC: She wanted you to know she made a mess in your closet.
EM: M'ROW MEW M'OW!
BC: There's no reason to use those kinds of words.
MK: What words? What's going on?
EM: MAH ME'W!
BC: Err ... I have to be somewhere. You might want to be careful ... Smellie's about to explode. BYE!
MK: Ellie, if you talk slower, I'll be able to understand you!
{Pause as Ellie stares at Momma}
MK: You've been following me around for the last half hour, yelling very loudly at me! What?
EM: MAAAAAAAAAAAH mew!
MK: I know you didn't make the mess in the closet. I'll deal with Bear later.
BC: {from the other room} RATS!
EM: Grrrr! Mew me'rg mew mah-mew!

MK: This is ridiculous! BEAR!
BC: {from the other room} I DIDN'T DO IT!!!
MK: I already know you made a mess in the closet. But I need you out here.
BC: {from the other room} Ummm ... only if you guarantee my safety.
MK: What?
BC: {from the other room} Smellie came up with a ... creative way to kill me.and umm ... make me pay for being a jerk.
EM: MEW! MAH!
MK: I thought Smel ... err ... Ellie was a sissy.
BC: {from the other room} I'm not stupid! When a chick gets that look in her eyes ... even being a man is wrong.
MK: Okay. Fine. I'll guarantee your safety.
EM: Mew mah-mew!!!
BC: And the safety of all my toys?
MK: WHAT?! Now she's threatening your toys? What did you do to her?
BC: What do you mean, what did I do to her!? I didn't do anything!
MK: In Bear-ese, that's close to an admission of guilt.
BC: WHAT?!?
{Pause}
BC: {walking into the room} Hmmm ... yeah. You're right.
MK: What's Ellie yelling about?
BC: How should I know!? I don't listen to her!
MK: Then how did you know she talked about the mess in the closet and the threats?
BC: Can I take five Fifths?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I don't feel very safe.
EM: MEW! Mer mew mah-mew!

BC: She says you have an attitude problem and need therapy.
EM: M'ROW MEW M'OW!
MK: WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
BC: You're not going to like it.
MK: Like WHAT?!?
BC: Smellie's soiling the litter box ... so to speak.
MK: WHAT?
BC: She's telling you off!
MK: For what?
BC: How should I know? She's a girl and they never make sense.
EM: MEW! MAH!
BC: WHAT?!?! There's a WHOLE BOOK on women being from Venus!
EM: Me-eow meow m'ow mrow! M'row ew mew mow mrow mew m'ow mew!

BC: WHOA! She's really mad!
MK: WHY?!?! What did I do to her?
EM: Mew mee'row meh!
BC: I don't know! I don't use that kind of language.
MK: She's cursing at me?
BC: No. I don't speak that dialect.
MK: Oh, for the love of ... !!! I wish my closet wasn't a mess with all the water damage. There's little that I want more at this point than to lock myself in the closet and pretend my cats are easy.
EM: Mew mah-mew!!!
BC: Hahahahaha.
MK: What?
BC: She said we're cats!
MK: I thought you couldn't understand that dialect?
BC: Err ... BYE!
MK: BEAR! Bear! Get back here!!!
EM: M'row ew mew mow mrow mew m'ow mew! Me-eow meow m'ow mrow!
MK: {sigh} She can't yell at me forever.
{Ten minutes pass with Yellie ... err ... Ellie giving Momma a piece of her mind}
MK: That's it!
EM: Me'ow ...
MK: All of our agents are busy at this time. Your call is very important to us. We appreciate your business. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received.
EM: Muh?

{Pause as Ellie listens to Momma humming a melody to substitute for hold music}
EM: Me'w meeeow?! MOW! MOW!
BC: {from the other room} She actually thinks you're busy with other callers. Hahahahaha. Classic! You're in the same room!
EM: Mew me'row me! HOLD!
BC: She doesn't like your hold music.
MK: Oh, so NOW you know what she's saying ...
BC: Well, it's kind of hard to follow ... she is a girl after all.
EM: Moewe mah meoow!
BC: She can't decide whether to hang up ... or I mean ... hmmm ... you can't hang up if you're really not on hold, right?
EM: MEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BC: She's on to you.
MK: What's wrong with her?
BC: Well, for one, she's annoying. She's a sissy. And she's fatter than ...
MK: BEAR! NO! What's wrong with her in terms of why she's upset?
BC: Oh. She says she can't find her lap anywhere. She says that you're too busy sorting through the water-logged boxes to give her proper attention.
EM: 'Ew mow mrow mew m'ow.
BC: She says she wants to help.
MK: I don't know how ...
{Pause}
MK: OH! Until I get a chance to go through these comic-a-day-calendars, she can guard them to make sure that they don't walk off.
BC: I don't think she's stupid enough to ...
EM: Me' 'ow mew m'ow.

BC: Never mind. She says she'll guard them with her life. For whatever THAT'S worth ...
MK: Ellie, this is REALLY important! These calendars are known for being surly, evasive, and hard to wrangle.  DO NOT underestimate them.
BC: She's not going to believe ...
EM: Mew me'ow me mah.

BC: Oh, now that's ridiculous! She says she's up to the task.
EM: Me m'ow mew me?

BC: She wants to know if she gets extra treats for guarding them.
MK: Sure.
BC: WHAT?!?! You give her some bull$#!+ job and she gets treats for it?!?
EM: Mew mah-mew!!!
BC: OH, SHUT UP! You are not more reliable or a better cat. And you DEFINITELY aren't cuter. If something happens to the calendars ... now that would be funny.
EM: 🎶 🎶 Me meow m'row mah mew. 🎶 🎶
BC: I really hate you when you get like this! You get all smug like the cat that got the cream.
EM: Mo'w mee m'row m'row mew ma!
BC: Then take a nap! Just quit your b!tching!
EM: MEOW MAAH ME!
BC: Momma won't know the difference.
EM: Mew.
BC: Finally ... peace and quiet.
{Both cats sleep for the next thirty minutes}
EM: Uh ... my'ow mew mo.
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
EM: MYEW MER ME MAH MOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BC: How should I know where the calendars are. YOU were guarding them!
EM: Muh, moh!
BC: Momma's sorting through those to be trashed. I don't think she'll care if they run off.
EM: Mew mee'owl m'ow mew mah.
BC: Can't you look quieter?
MK: {walking into the room} Oh. You two are up!
EM: MYEW MER ME MAH MOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MK: Bear?
BC: She said she lost your calendars. She wants to know if you still love her.
MK: Of course!
BC: Do you have to tell her that you came out twenty minutes ago and took the calendars?
MK: Yes!
BC: Awww.
MK: Ellie, don't worry about the calendars. They are safe.
EM: Mah mew me'ow mo'w!

BC: She's really mad at you.
MK: For what?!?!
BC: Who knows?!? WOMEN! So irrational. So ... so ... annoying.
MK: I'm a woman!
BC: EXACTLY! You get special accommodations since you're a Momma.
EM: Meow m'row me-oh mah.
BC: She says she doesn't want your stupid lap anyway.
MK: I can't win!
EM: Me'ew mow mewl m'ow.
BC: She changed her mind. She's having a lap deficiency breakdown.
MK: That sounds serious.
BC: You can't let her ... you know. Explode or something?
MK: NO! Come here, Ellie! Let's cuddle!
EM: Mu mah mu mah me mah!!!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

Featured posts:

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Bear schools Momma

The Boy's left for work and Momma's sorting through the water-damaged boxes when she's reminded of a blast from the [long ago] past. Add sibling spats and Bear staking out the front door and it's clear that Momma isn't the one in charge around here.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

The Boy: I'm leaving for work. Bye, BuddyBear.
BC: HIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!
The Boy: Okay! okay! Bye BabyGirl!
EM: NO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Daddy's trying to eat me! He's going to eat me!
The Boy: Okay. I'll just go.
BC: Don't let the door hit you in the ...
MK: {AHEM!}
{Pause as The Boy opens the front door}
MK: {AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
The Boy: What's wrong?
{Pause}
MK: Have a good day!
The Boy: Oh. I love you, Kat.
{The front door closes}
BC: Did he just forget to say bye to you after saying goodbye to his cats?

{Fifteen minutes pass}

MK: {walking into the room} Ellie, have you seen Bear?
EM: Define seen.
MK: Do you know where he is?
EM: You told me if I don't have anything nice to say ...
MK: How's that an answer to ... you're not making any sense!
BC: {by the front door} What else is new? Phht. Women. Her problem isn't my fault.
EM: YOU STOLE MY SCRATCHER! WHILE I was on it!
BC: LIES!
EM: I was on it! That's not a lie!
BC: NO! I'd never use such a sissy device.
EM: Who are you calling a sissy?
MK: Bear, what are you doing by the front door?
BC: It's classified. If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Not that I'd mind ...

MK: It looks like you're waiting for The Boy to come back inside.BC: Phht. I'm guarding the front door so he CAN'T get in.
MK: He left for work! He won't be gone just a few minutes.
BC: Are you sure?
MK: AHHHH.
BC: Ah, what?
EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: What?
EM: You both were ah-ing - I thought it was a thing! I don't want to be left out!
MK: You're waiting by the front door because The Boy left and you thought he'd come back in a few minutes. You're waiting for The Boy!
BC: It's not like I'm GLAD he'd come back inside. He's dumb and slow. If I want to get outside, I have to do it while he's at the door.
MK: Bear!
BC: Oh wait! Did I say that out loud?
MK: Have you ever considered that the whole reason you can't get outside with me is that I've spent enough time chasing you in circles on the front porch - and trying to get you out from behind the rose bush?
BC: No. Not that I'm confessing ...

EM: Last time, Momma was bleeding all over the place! Thorns hurt!
BC: So you know what it's like to have you up my butt.
MK: WAIT! No. That time Bear was the one scratching me up.
EM: Yeah! Because you had to drag him out from behind the rose bush!
MK: No. His claws did that.
BC: YEAH! My claws are worse than any thorns. I'm not sorry. 
MK: I'd be disappointed if you were.
EM: SEE?!?! Don't you think that just encourages him?
BC: Like I need something petty like encouragement. That's for sissies.
EM: That you don't get in trouble for going outside and being a jerk to Momma ... that doesn't make you more likely to do it the next time?
BC: Phht. I always get in trouble. If it wasn't for escape, it'd be something else. Some Momma needs therapy for persecuting cute little kitty cats. She's always blaming me for everything.
EM: Isn't that because you DO just about everything?
{Silence as Bear considers this}

MK: I'm going back to sorting through all the water damaged papers and stuff.
{A few minutes pass}
MK: {in a sing song voice} 🎶🎶🎶 Jack-@$$! 🎶 Jack-@$$!!! 🎶 Jack-@$$ 🎶🎶🎶 ...
BC: {looking around} Erm ... you do realize The Boy left.
MK: What?
BC: You keep saying his name!
MK: No, I'm not!
BC: You're right. That's what I call him.
MK: {in a sing song voice} Jack-@$$!
BC: I'm starting to worry. Is that some kind of neurotic tic? Have you finally lost your last marble?

EM: Phht. If Momma lost her last marble, you stole it for your collection.
MK: Haha.
EM: And I mean that literally AND figuratively.
BC: Oh, shut up!
EM: Maybe she's talking about you?
BC: Why would she call me a jack-@$$?
EM: Do you need a map?
BC: Okay. Okay. You have a point.
EM: I call you a jack@$$ all the time!
BC: I GET IT! You don't have to back over the dead horse.
EM: Oh, no! Where's the dead horse? I didn't mean to hurt him! Do you know horse CPQ?
BC: CPR!!! CPR!!! Not Q! R!
EM: Are what?
BC: It's not CPQ! It's CPR!
EM: Well, how was I supposed to know it was different for horses?
BC: What?
EM: The whole reason I asked about horse CPQ is because I don't know anything about it! If it's called CPR in horses, how would I know?

BC: But ...
EM: So horse CPQ is called CPR?
{Silence}
MK: {in a sing song voice as she walks down the hall} Jack-@$$!
BC: Will you knock that off! Only crazy people walk around talking to themselves.
EM: But you ...
BC: OH, SHUT UP!
MK: It still just really burns my biscuit. He was an anthropology professor and he wanted us to have understanding of other cultures, but he couldn't give the same consideration to Christianity. He told lie after lie and I called him on it!
BC: TWENTY YEARS AGO?
MK: Well, I usually don't think about it, but with the closet flooding, I had to pull out all the wet boxes and go through them, tossing the worst stuff. I just got started really tossing stuff. Looking at the papers from his class ...
BC: How did he feel about cats?

MK: I don't know! We just weren't going to get along from the beginning. He told lies about Christianity to the other students. Most of the class fell all over him, claiming they believed, and would reconsider. It just made me so mad! If I'd made untrue comments about any of the cultures we studied, he would've flipped out. I didn't bash his fertility goddess. I respect other people and what they believe. That's up to them. But to use the office of a professor - of authority - in a crusade against Christianity, is just wrong.
BC: I'm sorry I asked.
MK: He and I just had a severe difference of opinion on Christianity, ethics, and teaching practices.
BC: Severe difference ... he's the one that gave you a B?
{Silence}
MK: HEY! I had a ninety-five average on several tests and a paper - but on the subjective parts of the grade he had power over, all of a sudden, I got knocked down to an eighty-three. He got mad at me challenging him and overrode the grade I earned and flunked me on participation and other vague parts of the grade.
BC: Now I'm REALLY sorry I asked.

MK: Over all, I have the equivalent credits of over six years of study and classes. And his class was the ONLY one where I got a B. Even worse, I didn't really even see it coming.
{Snoring ....}
MK: BEAR!
BC: WHAT? I didn't do it! I swear!
MK: You fell asleep while I was talking!
BC: Like THAT never happens. You woke me up for that? GET OVER IT! It was over twenty years ago!
MK: Hmph. Well I ... he ... GRRRRR!
BC: See?! If you had a life, stuff like that wouldn't matter anymore. Oh, and by the way, no one likes a Nerdy McNerdy.
EM: Does Nerdy have a lap? Because I would like him or her.
BC: This from the cat that eats random stuff off the floor. Taste is not your forte.
EM: What does that even mean? Where's Fort Tasty?
BC: Intelligence is not your forte either. FORTE or one's skill.
EM: Oh, yeah? Being decent to others is not your forte!
BC: {sigh}.
EM: Being a jerk is your forte! Being a pain in the butt is your forte! Being mean is your forte! Being ... being ... YOU is your forte.

BC: Profound. Being annoying is your forte. Being stupid is your forte. Being a suck-up ... can you guess?
EM: Being a suck-up? Why do you play all these games. Just tell me what being a suck-up entails instead of making me guess.
BC: I'm surrounded by weirdos! We've got Nerdy McNerdy, Dummy McDumb ... and who can forget Dumbnuts McDumbnuts?
EM: Who?
BC: YO' MOMMA!
EM: HEY! My Momma isn't a dumbnuts!
BC: No, see, that's just a phrase. When someone insults you you say, "Yo' Momma!"
EM: My Daddy on the other hand ... err ... paw ...
{Pause}
EM: Are you nice to anyone?
BC: Well, see, I give Momma a certain number of minutes of pre-authorized petting time. Well, unless she ticks me off. Then it costs her an arm and a leg. Hahahaha.
EM: As long as taking her leg doesn't mean I lose my lap.
BC: Phht. Like I'd be dumb enough to take that away. If you're not occupied, then you'd bug me more than you already do.
EM: But I'm NOT an octopus!

BC: NO! OCCUPIED. When one's attention is focused on something in particular. Occupied. Octopus. Octopi.  Though you are pretty similar to an octopus. You have paws everywhere to block stuff like Momma brushing your teeth and the vet trying to listen to your heart or check your nose. And since you're value-sized ... octopi isn't too far off.
EM: Now listen here you piece of ...
MK: BEAR! Stop irritating your sister and upsetting her!
BC: Your fancy book learning finally paid off.
MK: Wait ... what?
BC: You saw me irritating Smellie on purpose.
MK: It was obvious!
BC: Exactly. So what classes did you take? Litter box management 101? Cat care 103? How to be ruled by your cat 205?
MK: Ummm ... no.
BC: How to be ruled by your cat 106?

MK: Ummm ...
BC: WHAT?!?! You mean I got an uneducated dope with no experience? I never should've let you adopt me!
MK: Not that again! You were HOMELESS. And STARVING.
BC: Oh, I see how it is. I'm homeless and starving so I don't deserve basic rights? What kind of stupid classes do you take at human school? How to be annoying? Dumb@$$ 101? You certainly didn't take math!
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: You can't tell the difference between a full food bowl and an empty one. What are they teaching kids these days? Your education is sorely lacking. Phht. You got A's in people nonsense! How does that help me?

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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Friday, July 5, 2019

Miscellaneous moments

What fun has been going on in the Momma Kat household this past week? Ellie finds a solution to Bear kicking her out of the bed, we play name games,  Momma uncovers Bear's latest scam, and Momma and Bear are caught cuddling.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 


~~~ THE PILLOW ~~~

MK: Ellie! You can lay in the bed with me and Bear!
EM: Umm ... {looking at Bear} I err ... don't want to.
MK: BEAR?!
BC: Don't look at me! I don't know! She's just weird! I sleep with my Momma so I can protect her.
EM: Bear told me I couldn't sleep on the bed. So I chose the next closest comfy spot - the extra pillow.
BC: But you can't protect her from over there!
EM: I like being near my Momma. That's why I keep jumping on the bed!
BC: Not as near as ME.
MK: Bear, you have to knock this nonsense off. Every time Ellie gets on the bed, you're mean to her until she jumps down.
EM: The pillow is okay ... really.

MK: NO! It's not okay! The commotion wakes me up at least once a night - if not three or four times.
BC: Phht. If Smellie knew her place and didn't try to SHARE you, this wouldn't happen.
EM: If you weren't a total jerk face it wouldn't happen either!
BC: I love my Momma.
EM: I love MY Momma!
MK: I love you both! That's why I want us all to get along. I have no idea what to do! I know the experts usually claim it's best to let cats negotiate on their own terms - but I'm tired of Ellie being picked on when she has just as much a right to be on the bed!
EM: With the protection money Jasmyn's paying you, you could buy your own bed.
MK: WHAT!?! The spider in my closet is paying you protection money?
BC: Well, after you raided her nest and killed her babies, I offered to see to it that it doesn't happen again.
MK: Where does a spider get money?
BC: Not my problem.
EM: You said it's not ACTUAL money! 
BC: Sometimes a boy cat takes liberty with favors.

MK: GROSS!
EM: WHAT?!
MK: Err ... Bear ... err ... this is a little older than you can handle.
EM: I'm eight! How much older can a cat get?
BC: Hi. I'm thirteen.
EM: You don't count!
BC: I can make myself count!
MK: Bear, she didn't mean it.
EM: YES! I did!
MK: Bear, what favors or liberties are you referring to?
EM: {to Bear} You said you're paid in spider legs.
BC: I'm never telling you a secret ever again, Ms. Blab McBlabby! It sounded way cooler when I said "liberty with favors."
EM: It's not a protected secret until we braid each others' fur while sharing our secrets!
BC: I don't play by the sissy code.
EM: It's not code! I mean ACTUALLY braiding each others' ...
BC: SEE?!?! You want this nitwit in your bed?
MK: What's Jasmyn going to do when she runs out of legs?
BC: Be lunch.
EM: That's horrible! No wonder you don't have friends! You pull out their legs and eat them!

BC: HEY! Don't knock it until you try it. Friends don't let spider friends live without legs. I'm just being nice.
EM: Remind me to NOT ask you to be nice to me again!
MK: Wait a ... you're not doing anything to protect her or her babies.
BC: I'm counting on her not figuring that out until she's legless.
EM: You're a horrible friend!
BC: Want to be friends?
EM: OH! YES! YES! I do want to be your ...
BC: Never mind.
MK: Only in this house do we start with sharing the bed and end talking about protection money for spiders.


~~~ THE NAME GAME ~~~

MK: Smellie Yellie Bellie!
The Boy: Call her by her regular name.
MK: 'Her regular name!' You're in my way!
The Boy: Ha. Ha. Ha. That's not her name.
BC: Smellie smellie smellie smellie!
EM: I don't mind. At least if you change my name to 'her regular name' Bear can't call me Smellie.

BC: Smellie smellie smellie smellie!
MK: BEAR!
EM: I like 'her regular name.'
BC: Wait ... I'll come up with a way to make fun of that. Err ... hernia? Harem?
The Boy: Call her Ellie!
EM: But I don't want that name anymore! Between Momma and Bear, there are too many things that rhyme with Ellie.
BC: Smellie.
MK: Bellie.
BC: Yellie.
MK: The Ellie-vader or Elevator.
BC: The Ellie-phant or Elephant.
The Boy: You aren't helping! Her name is Ellie Mae!
BC: Ellie may what? Fall off a roof? Get lost?
The Boy: KAT!
BC: Ellie may Kat? She's the sorriest excuse for a cat I've ever met.
EM: Oh, yeah? So I should be a jerk like you? You're an em-BEAR-@$$-ment!

The Boy: Hahaha. Embarrassment. With "Bear" and "@$$!" That's a good one!
BC: Shut up, TUBA!

MK: Hahahaha. The Boy. Initials ... TB. Tuba!
The Boy: Compli-KAT-ed!
EM: Un-BEAR-able!
BC: DIMWIT!
EM: JERK!
BC: Her regular pain in my @$$!
EM: I'm not talking to Bear OR Momma ever again!
BC: GOOD! Then I'll have Momma to myself!
EM: But whose lap will I sit on?
The Boy: I'm here!
EM: Err ... is there anyone else?
MK: That got out of control relatively quickly.


~~~ BEAR'S LATEST SCAM ~~~

BC: OH! Outside! Outside! Outside!
{Bear runs outside}
BC: Hmmm ... now what do I do? Never mind.
{Pause}
BC: {sitting in front of the door like a good boy} Momma! 
MK: Here, Bear. You can come inside.
BC: Do I get treats?
EM: Treats?!?

MK: For what?
BC: For coming back inside on my own!
MK: Is that a scam you're running? You go outside just to turn around and come back in on your own so I'll give you treats?
BC: There's a precedent.
EM: OH! The president? WHERE?!?
BC: Outside!
EM: OH! Momma! Can you let me out so I can see the president?
MK: Ellie, Bear said PRECEDENT not president.
EM: Human words. So confusing.
BC: {AHEM} Treats?
MK: Bear, you're ridiculous! The only reason I started giving you treats after you came in on your own is to reward that behavior so I didn't have to chase you in circles on the front porch or drag you out from the rose bush to get you inside. Going outside just to be able to come back in on your own for treats ... NO!
BC: So I can't have treats?
MK: I swear. It's one scam after another with you.
BC: Just to clarify ... that's a ...
MK: NO TREATS!
BC: Awww. Look! I'm cute!

MK: Give me the strength to resist ...
EM: LOOK! I'm cute too, Momma!

MK: {getting out the treats} This was a lot more fair when it was one-on-one instead of two on one.
BC: You still lost when it was one-on-one.
MK: That's true.


~~~ THE CUDDLE ~~~

BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bear. I love when you let me wrap you in my arms and cuddle. I haven't gotten a decent picture of it because I never know when it will happen.
BC: {seeing The Boy walking into the bedroom} WHAT DO YOU WANT?
The Boy: I live here!

BC: That's no excuse! Don't rub it in!
The Boy: But ...
BC: Can't you see that Momma and I are having a moment?
The Boy: You two are awfully cute. I'm going to get a picture!
BC: Haven't you ever seen a boy cuddling his Momma?
The Boy: Every day! But this is extra special!
BC: Could bite ... shark ... but so tired ... so comfy with my Momma ... my Momma and me. 
{Pause}
BC: Sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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