Friday, January 18, 2019

The big bad wolf, alien buffalos, and lots more nonsense

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: {walking into the room} Come on, Bear! Play with me!
BC: {on Momma's bed} I'm taking a nap.
EM: You wouldn't be talking to me if you were asleep.
BC: You've reached Bear Cat, I DON'T CARE! GO. AWAY.
{Silence}
EM: HA! If it was really a machine, there would be a beep!
BC: RATS! .... BEEEEP!
EM: I'm not falling for that again! 
BC: Because the twenty times you fell for it wasn't enough? Most living beings learn from their mistakes. Well, those with brains anyway. Then again, you seem to have exchanged your brain for fat ... the longer you're here, the bigger and stupider you get.
EM: You're awake .... it's not an answering machine!
BC: Go. Away. Brainy McBrain-A-lot!
EM: Aww ... come on, Bear. PLEASE?
BC: NO!

EM: What fun is having a sibling if they don't play with you?
BC: Phht. What fun is having a sibling. Period.
EM: It seems to work for you. You tell on me for what you do ... you lie to me ...
BC: Are you still mad about the dolphin thing? I swear, I didn't know that you'd actually jump in the toilet and try to swim.
EM: And telling me Momma sleeps upside down in the closet ... and that she and The Boy just want to suck our blood. OH! And who can forget the big bad wolf that's waiting to eat me on the front porch.
BC: HEY! He's real! Just wait until he rings the doorbell.
{The doorbell rings}
EM: Oh, NO! I was sure it was another ... but he's here! FOR ME! Bear was right!
BC: What? I didn't hear that.
EM: He's here!
BC: No. The last part.
EM: He's here for me!
BC: No. The part about me!
EM: YOU WERE ... RIGHT! 
BC: Duh.
EM: I thought you were lying to me! Nothing you tell me is ever true!
BC: See?!
MK: I'm coming! Wait just a ...
EM: NO! MOMMA! Don't open that door!!!
MK: Hi! Oh, thank you.
EM: BYE!
{Ellie runs under the bed}
EM: I'm not coming out ever again!

BC: Because he couldn't find you with your hind end sticking out from under the bed.
EM: I don't fit under the bed anymore.
BC: I wonder why that is.
{Ellie reshuffles}
EM: Is that better?
BC: Hahahahahahahahaha. No.
MK: It was just the mailman.
EM: Did the mailman have big, scary teeth and look hungry?
MK: BEAR!
BC: What? I didn't do anything!
MK: You see how creeped out your sister is?
BC: I know, right? She finally figured out how strange The Boy is.
EM: Daddy?!
MK: No, I meant she's creeped out about the big bad wolf.
BC: Hahaha. I didn't even have to do ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! You're mad because I told her about the wolf.
MK: Who doesn't exist.
BC: Who's to say if he exists or not? Maybe he's invisible.
EM: OH NO! He'll get me for sure.
MK: For not wanting to play with your sister, you certainly are still playing with her - just in a different way.
BC: That's what siblings are for!
EM: I'm not coming out EVER again!
BC: Promise? Because if peace and quiet is as simple as going to another room ...
MK: It's okay, Ellie. You can come out. There's no big bad wolf.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Are you trying to ruin all my hard work? She's safe where she is.
EM: No big bad wolf ... does that mean there's a little bad wolf? Or a big good wolf? Or something else that will eat me?
MK: SEE, Bear?!?! This is all your ...
{WHAP!}
BC: OW! Smellie smacked me! Momma? Did you see that!? Smellie whapped me! WOMEN! They get all temperamental at the very least provocation! One minute she wants to play with me ... and the next ....

{SMACK!!!}
BC: QUIT THAT!
EM: That's what you get for trying to scare me!
BC: Phht. You don't even have to try to scare me. You just look in my direction and I'm scared.
{Silence}
EM: Wanna play with me?
BC: You're mad at me.
EM: Yeah. But I still wanna play.
BC: So you're mad ... but not mad enough ...
MK: NO! DO NOT admit that you're not mad enough! He'll take that as a challenge!
EM: Err ... 
BC: What would make you mad enough to not want to play with me?
MK: Don't do it ... you'll just encourage him to be meaner to you so you won't want to play with him and you'll leave him alone.
EM: Err ... there's nothing you can do to make me mad enough to not want to play with you.
BC: RATS!
MK: You two can handle this. I'm going back to work.
BC: Smellie, you go too.
EM: But I want to play! And no one will play with me!!! I got a new sparkle ball and I can't wait to ...
BC: {sigh} FINE. 
EM: But ...
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... WHAT?!
BC: You go out to the family room and wait for me.
EM: To play?

BC: Yes.
EM: REALLY?!?! That's great! I can't wait! Before you know it, we'll be braiding each others' fur and have private jokes and I'll finally have a best friend.
BC: {AHEM}.
EM: What?
BC: You're supposed to go out to the family room and wait for me.
EM: Wait a ... last time you told me that you never came! You just wanted to get rid of me and thought I wouldn't notice!
BC: That wasn't my fault ... I got ... err ... abducted by an alien buffalo.
EM: An alien-buffalo?!?! How did you get away?
BC: Phht. My can of alien-buffalo-whoop-ass.
EM: Wow. I had no idea I meant so much to you that you'd fell an alien buffalo just to get back to me!
BC: Are we playing or not?
EM: Oh, yeah! Don't make me wait too long! Oh, this is the best day of my life! Bear and I will finally be friends! Bye!
{Ellie walks into the family room}
EM: La de da ... do de do ...
MK: What's up?
EM: Bear's going to play with me!
MK: Ummm ... when?
EM: He told me to come out here and wait for him!
MK: But he never specified WHEN he might come out?
{Loud snoring comes from the bedroom}
EM: What was that?
MK: Err ...
EM: THE ALIEN BUFFALO IS BACK!

MK: Excuse me?
EM: SHHHH!! He might hear us!
MK: Who?
EM: The alien buffalo that cat-napped Bear last time we were supposed to play! He gave it what for just to come back and play with me.
MK: And ...
EM: Wait a ... we never ended up playing!
MK: And ...
EM: I better hide so the alien buffalo doesn't try to eat me!
MK: I thought you knew better than to believe Bear.
EM: But why would he lie about ...
{Pause}
EM: WAIT! A! MINUTE!
MK: Uh huh? Bear and lying?
EM: BEAR BARFED ON MY SCRATCHER!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? THIS IS MY SCRATCHER! YOU DON'T SEE ME BARFING ON THE COUCH WHERE HE LIKES TO SCRATCH! MY SCRATCHER IS THE BESTEST THING EVER AND HE'S TRYING TO RUIN IT!!!

MK: We were ALMOST there to figure out ...
EM: Well, I mean, second to you, Momma. This really chaps my shorts! I let him be mean to me and make fun of me ... but this just CROSSES THE LINE!
MK: Don't worry, Ellie. I know what you meant.
EM: He's such a .... a .... stupid head! No! Jerk face! Son of a ...
BC: You rang?
EM: You barfed on my scratcher!
BC: Eh. It was in the way.
EM: Wait a minute ... you CAME!
BC: You just get smarter and smarter. Before you know it, you'll have the intellect of a brick!
MK: Now, Ellie ...
EM: And I thought he told me to come out here so I'd leave him alone! He CAME! He wants to play with me! How can I be mad at him when he clearly wants to play with me so much!
BC: #$%^! the *&^@^ *^@!
MK: I think he bet that you were too mad at him to play. And he was worried he'd be in trouble with me again, so he came out and pretended to want to play when he knew you'd be too mad at him ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: You're the best big brother ever!
MK: WHAT?!?
BC: Ummm .... you're too stupid to be sarcastic ...
MK: {walking out of the room} I quit!
EM: What's wrong with her?
BC: Phht. WOMEN. Who knows what they're thinking!
EM: Wanna play?
BC: {sigh}. I need to use the litter box.
EM: OKAY! I'll be waiting right here on my scratcher!
BC: {mumbling} Great.
EM: This is my scratcher. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My scratcher is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my scratcher is useless. Without my scratcher, I am useless.

BC: {mumbling} You're telling me.
{Bear walks from the litter box to the couch ... SCRATCH! SCRATCH! SCRATCH! SCRATCH!!!}

EM: I must scratch my scratcher true. I must scratch more than my brother who is scratching the couch.
{Silence}
BC: Suck up!

EM: I thought we were playing!
{Fake snoring is heard coming from the cat tree condo}
EM: Awww ... man! I now have to wait for him to wake up to play with me!

Featured posts:

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Bite club

There's an emergency in the Momma Kat household. What's wrong? How does Bear react? And what happens to Ellie?

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma and The Boy are sound asleep in bed ... The Boy sleeps soundly and Momma is wearing ear plugs since she sleeps much lighter}
EM: Meo'w mew m'ow meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow!
{Pause}
EM: MEW m'w mip mew mew meow!
{Pause}
EM: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOW!
{Silence}
EM: MeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOWWWW! M'ow mew meow!!
BC: {seemingly from up high - but really in bed next to Momma} What's all the racket?
EM: Meow mew mip mew!
BC: Even I can't understand you when you talk that fast! Did you find a tasty whole chicken? A tank? {gasp} A bazooka? WHAT?!?!? TELL ME! I can't stand the suspense!
EM: WHERE IS EVERYONE? I'm ALONE!
BC: Oh. So there's no tasty whole chickens?
EM: No!
BC: No tanks?
EM: Someone stole our tanks?
BC: I knew I was going to regret asking. GO BACK TO SLEEP!
EM: If someone stole our tanks, we should call the police!
BC: Just shut up, already!
EM: I can't find Momma or The Boy anywhere and you are gone too!
BC: Sheesh. 
EM: MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMA!
BC: {sigh}.
EM: DADDY! Come out from where you're hiding! Heeeeeeeellllllo?

BC: Will you just zip it? I need my beauty sleep!
EM: I need my Momma and my Daddy!
BC: How many times have I told you ...
EM: I already checked the closet - they aren't hanging upside down in there.
BC: That's not what I was referring ....
EM: And I didn't believe you before, but maybe they DO turn into furniture. I mean, have you ever looked at the couch? It kind of even looks like Momma.
{Pause}
EM: Though she sits on the couch ... so she can't really be both, right?
BC: Your brilliance stuns me.
EM: Thank you! You usually call me stupid! But I've been trying really hard ...
BC: It hurts. It hurts!
EM: WHERE IS EVERYONE? I need a lap! This is a lap emergency! If I don't get a lap in the next few minutes, I'll shrivel up and die!
BC: Promise?
EM: Why aren't they answering me?!? 
BC: Probably because they can't hear you!
EM: But I'm yelling as loud as I can!
BC: Note to self ... steal Momma's ear plugs. They clearly work well.
EM: I need love! I need ... need ... MY PEOPLE! They're MISSING!!!
BC: The only thing missing is your brain.
EM: But you just said I'm brilliant!
BC: Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ...
EM: Why are you COUNTING where there's an EMERGENCY!?
BC: I was holding in what I want to say and if I still want to say it by the time I get to one ...
EM: Aww ... that's so thought ...
BC: YOU'RE AN IDIOT!
{Pause}
BC: Oops.
EM: But you said ...
BC: I also said Momma sleeps upside down in the closet. Haven't you learned not to listen to me?
EM: I KNOW! I remember! I staked out the closet for a MONTH trying to find her hanging upside down in the closet!
BC: {sigh}. A month of peace. It was the best of times ... thanks to the age of foolishness.
EM: MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME ... BUT I'M ... ALONE!!!

BC: In this cold, hard world ... everyone is alone. Well, except for Momma. She has me.
EM: I'm ALONE and all you can talk about is best times and foolishness!
BC: I thought it was relevant! You said you were alone ...
EM: So you DO listen to me.
{Silence}
BC: RATS!
EM: Should we call the police? I mean, were Momma and Daddy stolen or are they missing? They might be in trouble! They might need our help!
BC: They might also be waiting to suck our blood!
EM: Ummm ... WHAT?!?!
BC: Blood.
EM: Well, Momma says YOU'RE the biter around here. I can't say I've ever seen her and Daddy ... this is a horrible disaster of a discovery!
BC: And Momma says I'M dramatic.

EM: Did they get us to suck our blood?
BC: You really are stupid! I'm dry. That's why they got you.
EM: WHHOOAA! DRY? That's a lot of blood! Is that legal?
BC: You never noticed Momma behind you kind of lurking?
EM: I thought she was just checking if I was breathing!
BC: She and The Boy belong to 'Bloods Be Us' or BBU.
EM: What are you ...
BC: We hold meetings once a month.
EM: Meeting about what?
BC: I can't tell you because you're not a member.
EM: PLEASE?!?! I'll be your best friend!
BC: That's what I'm worried about!
{Pause}
BC: Fine. If you promise to leave me alone, I'll tell you.
EM: OKAY!
BC: But you can't tell ANYONE!
EM: Don't tell anyone ... CHECK!
BC: We discuss best biting practices.
EM: Cool. Can you teach me?
BC: You have to be a member.
EM: What do I have to do to be a member?
BC: Be quiet for thirty days.
EM: What does that have to do with biting?
BC: If you don't know, I can't explain it to you.
EM: But you're in the club too?
BC: Phht. It's not a CLUB. It's a GROUP.
EM: {looking around} Where are you?
BC:  The bed! Now LEAVE ME ALONE so I can curl up to Momma and ...

EM: Why? It's not night ...
{Pause}
EM: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOh. 
{Pause}
EM: Yeah. It is. That explains a lot.
BC: It happens every night.
EM: I sometimes forget. When I can't find my people I panic and don't really think ...
BC: No kidding.
EM: Oh, shut up! I bet when Momma adopted you you didn't know where she went all the time either!
BC: Ummm ... I just jumped up on the bed! Of course, I don't have the aerodynamics of a brick and I don't have your little stumpy legs ... so maybe jumping's a challenge for you.
EM: That's not nice!
BC: I'm not the one that says, "Waddle waddle waddle," when you walk down the hall.
EM: WHAT?!? WHO?!? WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE? I'm always the last to know.
BC: And Momma's pregnant.
EM: WHAT?!?!
BC: With TWINS!
EM: But ... but ... I already have to share my stuff with you!
BC: Not quite. I share MY stuff with YOU.
EM: Will she still be our Momma? Or will she just be their Momma?
BC: We're adopting you out ...
EM: WHAT? WHY?!?!
BC: ... To a circus.
EM: Wait a minute! Let me think about this.
BC: Don't hurt yourself.
EM: I'm always the last to know!
BC: Your brain just works a little slower than the rest of ours. 
EM: HEY!
BC: Yeah. You're right. It works A LOT slower. Any smarter and you'd be a brick.
EM: Oh, shut up, jerk face!

BC: Come say that to my face.
EM: I don't want to wake Momma up.
BC: Phht. She's wearing her ear plugs. The house could blow away and she wouldn't realize it until the next morning.
EM: Ummm ... the house could blow away?
BC: Yeah! Remember the three little pigs?
EM: WHO?!?
BC: Of course, you're more like one huge pig and not three little ones ... but the big bad wolf ...
EM: Big bad wolf?
BC: He huffs and he puffs and he blows the house down.
EM: That can't be good!
BC: He preys on houses overnight.
EM: So you mean he could be OUTSIDE ... {GASP} .... just WAITING?
BC: YEAH!
EM: Do you think we should tell Momma?
BC: Good idea. You tell her! She doesn't believe what I say anymore when I wake her up. But remember, she's wearing her ear ...
MK: HUH?
BC: Good one!
EM: Thanks.
BC: While you're up - you might as well do something useful and feed us.

MK: But the bed is warm ... and comfy ...
{Pause}
MK: {sigh} And you won't let me sleep until I feed you. Fine.
{Momma trudges through the dark}
MK: Owwww! Son of a ...
EM: Is one of the babies kicking?
MK: What babies?
EM: Bear said you're pregnant with twins.
MK: Bear Cat Kat!
EM: He also told me about your biting club.
BC: {from the other room} For the last time, it's not a club! The first rule of Bite Club is you do not talk about Bite Club.
EM: I thought you said it wasn't a club!
MK: Maybe you shouldn't believe anything Bear says ... certainly don't listen to him ... he has a way of confusing things ...
EM: Hmph. So it IS a club?
MK: THERE IS NO CLUB!
EM: I mean GROUP.
MK: There's no biting organization around here at all! No club, no group ... NOTHING!
EM: The big bad wolf should eat him!
MK: Big bad wolf? 
EM: The one waiting outside to eat me!
MK: I suppose he told you about that too. It's too early for this nonsense. Since we're all up, we might as well do our Chewy review.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclosure: We received Friskies Lil' Soups with Tuna in a Velvety Chicken Broth Lickable Cat Treats, [1.2-oz cup, case of 8] - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Friskies nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post. #ChewyInfluencer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MK: We're trying Friskies Lil' Soups with Tuna in a Velvety Chicken Broth Lickable Cat Treats, [1.2-oz cup, case of 8].
EM: {thinking to herself} Momma said tuna! I LOVE tuna! On second thought ... I love food of any kind. YUM.

{Pause}
EM: Tuna is the bestest thing EVER! It puts me in a good mood ... maybe Bear will finally be my friend.
BC: Don't even think about it or get any ideas! She said tuna ... not catnip. And there's not enough of either in the world for me to be your friend.

MK: Lil' Soups include delicious chunks of real tuna - in a lickable tasty broth. It's intended as an addition to an adult cat's complete and balanced diet - not a meal itself. 

{Pause}
MK: Hmmm ... they sure don't give you very much. Then again, if these are meant as treats versus the meals themselves, it makes sense to have so little in a container. This isn't enough to split between the two of you ... and we have so much food Bear won't eat ... why don't I just give this to Bear and give Ellie something he won't eat.

EM: But ...
MK: Yours will have tuna too.
EM: Promise?
MK: Absolutely. Just a different brand.
EM: Okay.
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... they brand tunas?
BC: See what I have to put up with all night long when you've got your ear plugs shoved inside your ears? It's like a chorus of idiocy. NO! A choir of moronity! An arpeggio of dumb!
MK: Here, Bear. Try this. You've had it before - and you ate all of it last time - when I tested to see if you'd eat it before I ordered a case.
EM: Whoa. That's really weird. You can eat food before you order it? What will they think of next?
MK: No, I meant I bought one cup at the store before I placed our order to be sure Bear would eat it before committing to an entire case. He's very ...
EM: Picky?
{Pause}
EM: Jerky?
{Pause}
EM: A pain?
BC: Hmmm ... that was really tasty! My compliments to the food service girl for not screwing up this month's order. My job here is done.

MK: Thank you. This time, I got one container from the store to be sure you'd eat it before ordering. I can't believe you almost ate it all right away! Usually you graze ...
EM: Like a cow?
BC: You'd know about ...
MK: BEAR! Just let it go.
BC: What fun is that? What's life without proving one's dominance physically and intellectually?
MK: Bear ...
BC: {walking back toward his food plate} Just kidding. Might as well eat the rest. I don't want Smellie to get any ideas.

MK: Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?
The Boy: Why's everyone up and moving around?
MK: Don't ask.
The Boy: From my experiences here, I believe you. I used to keep asking ... but I know better now. Let me guess ... the name of the culprit starts with b?
EM: {gasp} THE BIG BAD WOLF?!?!
The Boy: What in the ...
MK: Don't ask.
BC: Have you ever noticed that "don't ask" sounds like dumb ...
MK: ENOUGH!

Interested in trying Friskies Lil' Soups with Tuna in a Velvety Chicken Broth Lickable Cat Treats, [1.2-oz cup, case of 8]? Go visit Chewy and order a case for your favorite feline!

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.


Featured posts:

Friday, January 11, 2019

It's a Bear thing

MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat

MK: {holding her head in her hands} Hm sdh wsp quag harumph fgh zsa.
EM: What language is she speaking?
BC: What do you think?!? IDIOT!
EM: Hey! There's no reason to call me names! I was just asking!
BC: {sigh} I wasn't calling YOU an idiot - I was answering your question about what language Momma's speaking.
EM: Oh. And the language is idiot because it's human?
BC: SEE?!?! I don't have to explain everything to you.
EM: What have I asked you to explain to me?
BC: {AHEM}.
EM: That's not the same thing! Asking a question isn't the same as expecting an explanation.
BC: You lost me.
EM: See ....
BC: I want to stay lost.
EM: Oh.
BC: She's just mumbling to herself indistinctly.
EM: What'd you do to her this time?!?

BC: I didn't do anything! I was just watching the show.
EM: The show?
BC: Mumbles McMumbly!
EM: Because last time she got like this ...
BC: Why does everyone blame ME?!?!
EM: Care to answer your own question?
BC: I swear! I didn't do anything to her! And I didn't do anything to her last time either.
EM: Uh huh.
BC: I didn't! Why do I get blamed for everything around here?
EM: Ummm ... because you usually do it! You ALWAYS say you didn't - but then it becomes very obvious that you did!
BC: Maybe I really didn't do it this time!
EM: That's what you said last time.
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! I really don't like having a peanut gallery always piping up in the background.
EM: I guess that's how Momma feels.
BC: That's not the same because you're just being annoying and I point out the truth!
EM: The truth according to Bear. 
BC: Well, who else's truth would I tell? I mean I can't very well make up stuff for other ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Not that I make up my own truth. It's grounded in truth-ality.
EM: That's not a word!
BC: It IS in the dictionary of Bear!
EM: The truth according to Bear? The dictionary of Bear? Is everything about you?
BC: What wouldn't it be? Just call me the sun.
EM: Of a bitch?
BC: NO! SUN as in the star.
EM: My mistake. Or not.
BC: Everyone knows I'm the star of this house and our blog.
EM: You're not a star of anything except the jerk review!

BC: I'm going to tell Momma on you!
MK: Ulp retq igderl dqs! 
EM: She's still at it What is she saying? What happened? What's going on?
BC: The last thing she was considering was our entries for the Cat Writer's Association Communications Contest.
EM: The irony. Her entering a communications contest and then mumbling indistinctly. 
BC: Really? Because I usually don't listen to her so I didn't realize this was different from all her other blabbing.
EM: You first said she was mumbling indistinctly.
BC: I KNOW! That's how I always hear her! WAH-WAH-TWAH-WAH-WAH.
EM: You're ridiculous. 
BC: It's a Bear thing.
EM: Being ridiculous?
BC: NO! Being the grumpy, but lovably endearing ...
EM: *^*@?
BC: A Bear thing! Like Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest.
EM: Who's that?
BC: ME!
EM: You're not a princess!
BC: And the shark. The shark is a Bear thing.
EM: Misspelling and getting euphemisms wrong? 
BC: Phht. Humans lack the logic of our catness.
EM: Being grounded?
BC: Isn't THAT the truth! I think Momma goes a little crazy with grounding. I've been grounded for all of my lives ... and she still grounds me!
EM: And what do you do to her?
BC: Well ... it's a Bear thing to not always ... err ... behave.
EM: Tasty whole chickens?
BC: WHERE?!?!
EM: NO! Tasty whole chickens are a Bear thing.
BC: Yep.
EM: Fighting inanimate objects? That's a Bear thing.

BC: I don't know that I like the direction this conversation is going.
EM: Waking the humans up by dramatic barfing, sticking a claw up Momma's nose or sticking your wet nose in Momma's ear?
BC: Who's side are you on anyway?
EM: It's an Ellie thing.
BC: It's not the same thing! You're not me! It only works for me! Are you obsessed with tanks and bazookas?
EM: Well, no ... but what does that matter?
BC: Do you enjoy just staring at people?
EM: You do that to Momma all the time! It freaks her out! You just sit there and stare. 
BC: See? Those are Bear things.
EM: Like being obnoxious.
BC: Obnoxious but endearing.
EM: Grumpy.
BC: Grumpy but lovable.
EM: I had no idea you had so many buts.
BC: HEY now! OH! My handsome stripe-y pants are a Bear thing too!
EM: Prison stripes. 
BC: Oh, shut up. You don't know everything!
EM: Laps! Laps are an Ellie thing!
BC: Dimwit ... lap cats are an Ellie thing.
EM: What about the way you love Momma?
BC: She's alright.
EM: You're always there for her when she needs love and you always make her life better and you always stick your purrer all up in her face.
BC: Yeah. Loving Momma is a Bear thing.

EM: So maybe you can do your Bear thing?
BC: I don't think Momma would be amused. She told me I had to stop being the shark.
EM: But you can love Momma ... that's a Bear thing and it seems like she might need it.
BC: That's what The Boy's for! Where is he anyway?
EM: Work! You're up!
BC: {mumbling to himself} I should demand a raise! I fix everything around here. But does anyone appreciate me? NO! BEAR! Do this!  Bear! Do that! BEAR BEAR BEAR!!!
EM: Whoa. The mumbling thing is contagious!
BC: It's a hard job ... but I guess somecat has to do it. If she starts crying and trying to give me a hug, I quit! Be prepared to come and rescue me!
{Bear sits on the table next to where Momma works and stares at her]
MK: {looking up} Hi, Bear.
BC: You look horrible! 

{Pause}
BC: Well, unless you're trying to look like a ... umm ... zombie?
EM: {AHEM!}
BC: I mean ... what's wrong, Momma?
{Pause}
BC: Not that I actually want to listen to what's wrong - but Smellie says I have to.
MK: I finished all my entries to the Cat Writer's Association Communications Contest and it just hit me that of my twelve entries - if I don't even get ONE certificate of excellence, I'll be crushed. I'd rather not enter and then be mad at myself for not entering - than to enter and find out I'm not worth anything.
BC: Well, I mean, you're NOT a cat. But for a non-cat you're not so bad.
MK: I don't want people to blow smoke up my butt and tell me how good I am. I want to actually EARN it.
BC: Blowing smoke up your butt? Is that a human thing? It sounds dangerous. Hmmm ... then again, danger is my middle name.
EM: {whispering} DO SOMETHING!
BC: There. There.
EM: You're a complete nitwit!
BC: WHAT?!?! I'm still stuck on smoke up one's butt ... Smellie, would you blow smoke up my butt? I mean ... I'm just curious and all.
EM: The task at hand!!! I swear ... if you want something done right, you might as well do it yourself!

BC: What task? I never said I was tasking anything! Phht. I don't work. That's for the peasants. And I don't have hands!!
MK: I'm terrified and it didn't hit me until after I completed my entries. I'm really putting myself out there - opening up to being rejected - sharing my most important work - and perhaps not winning even so much as one certificate. If I'd thought this through before, I wouldn't have risked it.
EM: You could earn a certificate, Momma. Anyone who scores above a certain amount gets one!
MK: But it's more likely that I won't. You know, the first year I entered us in the BlogPaws awards, I was so sure I wouldn't be chosen that I submitted our blog just to have an excuse to quit because my work wasn't exceptional. Then I did get recognized the first year and so I've never really felt this vulnerable ... what if my stuff isn't any good? I mean, there are a ton of cat writers' with more experience - and better writing skills - and I always feel like my articles lack a certain something. If I'd known writing was my thing, I'd have paid more attention in school!
BC: Don't worry, Momma. If the worst happens, Smellie volunteered to be your personal teddy bear and let you cry in her fur.
EM: Now wait a min ... I don't like my fur getting wet!
BC: For the greater good?
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: And we'll still have each other, right? I mean, you wouldn't give me up just to get some award, would you? 
EM: Yeah! And you wouldn't give me up either.
BC: Don't go too far, Smellie. 
EM: You're not really even helping! 
BC: No matter what, you'll still have me, right? I mean, that counts for something. I can't say as much for Smellie or The Boy - but I'm used to your bad choices.
EM: HEY! Didn't anyone ever teach you how to encourage and comfort people without cutting down others? It's a miracle Momma's lasted this long with your handiwork.
BC: Phht. I only cut down the inadequate. There's been no one to cut down ... you and The Boy are a different story.
MK: Come here, Bear. I love you, Bear.
BC: Wait! Wait! Watch my ... hey! Something's poking in my ... {sigh} I love you too, Momma.

{Pause}
BC: {hissing} Are you happy now, Smellie?
EM: Hey! What about me! What about me!?! I need a lap! I need some love! I love my Momma too!

BC: {hissing} GO AWAY! Can't you tell we're BUSY? WOMEN! They can't decide what they want! Bear! Fix Momma! Bear! Let me fix Momma! The Boy's right! We can't win!
EM: There's a tasty whole chicken in our food bowl!
BC: Food bowl? {jumping down and running} BYE! Oh, this is the best day ever ... a tasty whole ... wait a minute ...

EM: I love you, Momma. You're the bestest thing ever even if you never win a contest.
MK: I love you too, Ellie.
BC: HEY! What about me?!? How rude!
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling} I fix everything around here and get blamed for everything and then I get the shaft!
EM: I think Bear's broken. He's mumbling.
MK: Oh, believe me ... mumbling means he's working just fine. It's a Bear thing. And you both are right. Life goes on, contest or no - and I'm pretty lucky - The Boy, both of you ... I guess I already won where it counts.

Featured posts: