Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Lost and found #ChewyInfluencer

EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

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Disclosure: We received Frisco All Natural Pine & Corn Soft Clumping Cat Litter, 28-lb bag - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Frisco nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post.


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MK: And the second product we're reviewing from Chewy this month ... TADA!!!

BC: {looking one way} HMPH. Not over here ...

{Pause}
BC: {looking the other way} I don't see anything but litter.

MK: Exactly!
BC: You want to know what I think about that?
{Pause}
BC: HMPH!

{Pause}
BC: I'm not talking to you unless you drop this whole thing.
EM: But she isn't holding it!
{Silence}
EM: The back of disrespect! That's cold! It can't be THAT bad! You didn't even try it!

MK: It certainly smells good.
BC: What is WRONG with you?!?! Do you go around sniffing people's toilet paper?!?!
MK: Here. I'll pour some out for you to smell! Look at this!
EM: Momma's right! It smells good! {LOUD SNIFF} Niiiice ....
BC: Not you too! OH, GET A ROOM!

{Pause}
BC: Suck up!
{Momma pours some of the new litter in litter box and then goes to bed}
{The next morning ... Momma's in bed asleep}
EM: MEOW MEOW MEOW M'OW M'OW M'OW!!!
MK: Huh?!? Ellie! You're sitting a few inches from my face! You don't have to meow so loudly. I hear you!
EM: MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!
MK: You're talking too fast for me to interpret what you're saying!
EM: MEOW MEOW DADDY MEOW M'OW M'OW GONE!!!
BC: She wants to know where The Boy is. She said that she's standing at his spot in the bed and he's not there.
MK: He went to work! And besides, you never cuddle with him in bed like you do me!
EM: M'OW M'OW MROW! MROOOOOOW! M'OW!
BC: Uh oh. So much for being a nice cat. I'm out of here. BYE!
MK: What?!?! What'd she say?! BEAR!?!? HELP!
EM: MROOOOOOW! M'OW! M'OW M'OW MROW!
MK: I'm trying to sleep!
EM: HMPH!
{Smack!}
EM: Isn't my tail pretty, Momma?
BC: {from the other room} Pretty annoying!!!
MK: ELLIE! Get your tail OUT of my face!
BC: {from the other room} That thing's a menace!
EM: My Daddy likes to see my tail.

BC: {from the other room} Your Daddy isn't here!!!
MK: No. When you're on his lap, you whap ME with your tail.
EM: Then you're used to it!
BC: {from the other room} Cut it off, Momma!
EM: You're just jealous because I actually have a tail ... vs. the string you have!
BC: {from the other room} HEY! Momma always says it's not the size that matters - but how you use it! And you use yours to annoy everyone else!
EM: HEY!
MK: {desperate to change the subject} So what's wrong?
EM: My Daddy! He's NOT here! He SHOULD be here ... this is his half of the bed!
MK: Half?!?!?!? Hahahahaha.
BC: {from the other room} HAHAHAHAHAHA.
MK: You're not helping, Bear.
BC: {from the other room} More like his three-fourths.
{Ellie just stares at Momma}
MK: We're SO unfunny.
EM: It didn't come from me.
BC: {from the other room} But you still thought it!
EM: Why are you in bed, Momma?
MK: The Boy went to work and I'm sleeping a little longer.
EM: But ... but ... this is HIS spot. He should be here!
MK: Maybe. But you never have anything to do with him when he's in bed.
EM: I just like knowing he's there.
MK: So you're telling me off because he's not here?
EM: You made him leave ... or killed him!
BC: {from the other room} We can only hope. One less Dweeble in the world.
EM: HEY! That's my DADDY you're talking about!
BC: {from the other room} You mean the guy who chased you around for fifteen minutes because you lost that lovin' feelin'?
EM: I was playing hard to get!
BC: {from the other room} Kind of hard when you're the size of a barn! You make a huge target. You can't even fit under the bed anymore.
EM: Hmph. I made sure my Daddy appreciates me. I don't give my milk away for free.
BC: {from the other room} MIND BLEACH! LOTS of mind bleach! And steel wool. I don't want to know anything about your milk or whether you give it away for free!
EM: I didn't mean lit ...
BC: {from the other room} What the @#$%!?!?

{Pause}
BC: {from the other room} Something's fishy!
EM: Fishy?! FOOD?!?! Is there FOOD?!?! Wait for me! Wait for me!
BC: {from the other room} HMMMMM ... {GRUNT} ...hph ... I'm gonna blow!
EM: YOU ATE THE FISHY WITHOUT ME!
MK: Bear? What's going on? Did you eat an entire bowl of kibble again just so Ellie couldn't have it?
EM: {taking off to the room Bear's in} Where's the fishy?
BC: {from the other room} I gotta go ... I gotta go ... {GRUNT} ... Peepee dance! Peepee dance! I really gotta go!
MK: We don't need the sound effects! Why don't you go in the litter box? I just added litter last night.
BC: {from the other room} Smellie RUINED our litter box.

MK: Is she having diarrhea again?
BC: LOOK! NO! She contaminated the litter so severely that it turned an entirely DIFFERENT color!
MK: {jumping out of bed and running to look at the litter box} Wha ... 
EM: I didn't ruin anything!
MK: Except my sleeping in!
BC: You have cats! You should know better!
{Pause}
MK: {seeing the litter box} Phew!
BC: Well, I'm glad YOU'RE relieved ... is it too much to ask to have the same opportunity?
EM: I didn't ruin our litter box! I swear!

MK: Bear, the litter's fine. That's the new stuff we're trying. Remember?
BC: But it's not the right color! I can't pee or poop unless the litter is the right color! If it's not gray, it ain't clay!
MK: You're right! It's not clay. This litter is a 100% corn and pine blend - natural, biodegradable ingredients - without chemicals or added fragrances. They claim it's low dust - but I guess that's a matter of opinion because I did see a bit of dust. Not bad ... and certainly not as bad as our current litter. Formulated to fight the toughest odors, its natural pine scent provides outstanding odor control to keep your home smelling fresh and clean. Chewy says, "This ultra-absorbent formula is up to 3 times more absorbent than traditional clay litter." We'll see. You can see for yourself on the back of the bag.
BC: Blah blah blah blah blah! I gotta pee!
MK: I only used half of the new stuff for the litter box. Dig a little and you'll find the old stuff. I figured half and half would be a good adjustment step.
BC: I don't see you going around trying toilets! Much less NATURAL ones! When's the last time you peed in a bush? Oh, sure ... gets what's on sale for US!
MK: It wasn't on sale!
BC: Did you steal it?
MK: NO!
BC: Then you're even worse than I thought! This better not come out of my treat budget!
MK: Wait! We got it as part of the Chewy Influencer program.
EM: I TOLD you I didn't ruin it!
BC: LITTER?!? AGAIN?!?! What's wrong with you, WOMAN! What's exciting about litter! We get to choose TWO products a month ... and one of your choices was LITTER?!?! You act like new litter is a PRESENT. WOO-HOO! I just won a toilet! In a color that clashes with my tabbiness! Fix it.


EM: To be fair, nothing's really exciting about food either ... until you barf it up. Then the party starts!
BC: If you didn't try to race Momma to it, it wouldn't be nearly as exciting.
EM: HEY! It's food! I LOVE food!
BC: A little too much ... if you know what I mean.
MK: BEAR! Just go!
BC: Not until you fix my litter box.
EM: OUR litter box.
BC: Don't remind me. FIX IT, Momma! Or I'll find The Boy's shoes.
MK: Hang on. There! You can see the old stuff! Just try it!

BC: It smells wrong too!
MK: Come on, Bear. That's not fair. Yeah, there's kind of a strong smell from pine - but it's not unpleasant and I actually think it smells good.
BC: GOOD-SMELLING litter?!?! Did you hit your head on your way out of bed?!
MK: JUST GO!
BC: Fine! I'll go! But I'm doing it under protest!
{Pause as Bear climbs in the box}
BC: DO YOU MIND!?!? You're both watching me!
MK: I really like this litter so far - including how little the dust kicks up and the natural pine smell. We'll see how it does with tracking and clumping - those are the factors that mean the most to me. I know cat litter isn't glamorous - but it is necessary for happy and healthy kitties.
BC: Hmph. I can't tell the difference from the old litter.
MK: So the no-clay stuff is okay?
BC: Don't put a bunch of words in my mouth! It was fine!
MK: I don't think it's tracked either. Let's see about those clumps. Hmmm ... pretty tight clumps! I really like this litter! I had my doubts - especially after we tried the grass litter - but this is a winner. Whether we keep using it really depends on whether I can get it for a similar price as our usual stuff. I wouldn't pay much more than our usual stuff costs - but I admit this is at least as good - if not better.

{Momma turns her back to dispose of the litter box waste}
EM: La de da ... la da de ... hmmm. Not bad!
MK: Ellie, did you just use the litter box?
EM: Oops. I did it again.
MK: You both don't seem to mind this litter. And this litter is good with solid waste too.
{Pause}
MK: I love this new litter.
BC: Then YOU use it!
EM: I like it too!
BC: Just SHUT UP already! Momma's supposed to feel bad and give her poor beleaguered kitties treats ... and you BLEW the plan!
EM: Well, I'm just saying ... the litter is at least comparable to our usual stuff.
BC: DOH!
MK: Anyway.  As I've said before, Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying Frisco All Natural Pine & Corn Soft Clumping Cat Litter, 28-lb bag? Go visit Chewy and order a bag for your favorite feline!

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Another late night #ChewyInfluencer

Due to Momma's incompetence and lack of inspiration, we didn't get a post up on Tuesday. Today's post is a little longer than usual. We hope you can forgive both of Momma's follies.

EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


The Boy: I'm going to bed.
{Pause}
The Boy: Good night, BuddyBear. Want a few scratches?
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS.
The Boy: Okay okay. Good night, Baby Girl. Can Daddy have last minute ...
EM: {running to hide under the cat tree} BYE!
The Boy: What in the ... ELLIE! Come out and say good night to your Daddy.
EM: NO! I'm not coming out ... EVER.

The Boy: I promise I won't hand you over to Momma for the nightly torture.
EM: That's what you said last time!
The Boy: {turning to Momma} This is all YOUR fault! I can't even say good night to my cats!
BC: Not that Momma's travesties should ever be excused ... in her defense ... I just don't like you!

The Boy: Could've fooled me ... you let me pet you in Momma's lap.
BC: That never happened.
The Boy: And when Momma was out of town, you jumped in MY lap.
BC: That never happened. No pictures. It never happened.
The Boy: How am I supposed to take a picture of myself when you're on my lap?
BC: You can't take pictures of what didn't happen.
The Boy: Fine. I'm going to bed.
MK: I love you, honey.
BC: BARF! 
{The Boy goes to bed ... }
BC: WOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ding dong the boy is dead ...
{Pause}
BC: {running one direction} WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
{Pause}
BC: {running the other direction} HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
{THUNK!!}
{CRASH!!!!!!}
BC: Ow.
MK: My lamp!
BC: It's still your lamp ... I just rearranged a few things. Be thankful it wasn't Smellie.
{Ellie jumps on the table next to where Momma's working}
MK: I thought you weren't coming out.
EM: My ears are lonely ... and you know how to rub them right so they aren't lonely.

MK: It was cold to run away from your Daddy. You couldn't just let him give you a pet or two before he went to bed?
EM: {sticking her paw in Momma's water glass} What's this?
{Pause}
EM: Oooh! There's water on my paw! Tasty! Ooh! This is better than the fountain! This is the BEST. THING. EVER.
MK: Ellie! Get your paw out of my water glass!
EM: Don't worry, Momma, I licked my paw really well after walking through your dirt pile. Yeah, I stepped in Bear's poop in the litter box ... because SOME cat can't be bothered to cover his business like a good cat ... but I made sure to lick it all off my paw!
MK: Great.
EM: If I can get a little bit ... 
{WHAP}
EM: HEY!
BC: Oops.

EM: You knocked the glass off the table on purpose!
BC: It mocked me.
EM: You were over THERE, sleeping in your bed! How'd it mock you?
BC: Do I have to explain everything to you? Just be glad you have me to protect you from stuff.
EM: You saw me drinking the water from the droplets inside and knocked it off!
BC: The least you could do is thank me! KIDS these days. No appreciation for their elders!

EM: Everyone's mean to me! Remember? Earlier? Momma threw Daddy's used sock on the ottoman where I was sleeping! I was just laying there, chillaxing like a boss!

BC: Come on ... THAT was funny. Your face screwed up like you smelled something toxic and then you ran for the hills. Or the equivalent of the hills in this house anyway. 
EM: What do you mean, "like?" The smell WAS toxic! And what was Momma doing with Daddy's yucky sock anyway?!?
BC: If there's one thing I've learned around here ... you probably don't want to know. Be thankful Momma didn't almost kill you with a sock like she did me. I was just laying there minding my own business and a sock fell from her laundry basket as she walked past ... ruffling the fur on my back!!! I almost DIED!

EM: I love my Daddy - but his sock was so smelly it almost killed me!
BC: A little dramatic, don't you think? Especially coming from a Smellie Neigh.
EM: Pot. Meet kettle!
BC: Phht. I'm not being dramatic. Try being sock-bombed!
EM: I WAS!
BC: But it didn't TOUCH you!
EM: It didn't need to ... because it was Daddy's sock! Momma's sock was clean!
BC: Speaking of ottomans ... what were you doing on my ottoman anyway? You got what you deserved.
EM: I laid up there before you ever got the idea!
BC: {jumping on the ottoman} Yes. But I'm up here LAST. Hmm ... MY ottoman. Pretty comfy.

EM: HEY! That's MINE! You're just being a jerk because you know I like it up there.
BC: Phht. Looks like it's MY ottoman now. You're just jealous because of how adorable I am up here.
EM: You better move or I'll make you!

BC: Phht. You always say you're a nice cat because you keep your claws and fangs to yourself. What are you doing to do, Smellie Belly? SIT on me?
EM: That's IT!!! 
BC: HEY! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSS!
EM: MROW!
BC: I said HIIISSSSS! MOMMA! Ellie's being mean to me!
EM: That's my ottoman! 
MK: You two can share.
BC: SHARE?!?
EM: Have you met us?

MK: You two look pretty adorable though.
BC: Ugh. We agree. I feel ... DIRTY. I think I need to destroy something.
EM: GOOD! Then it'll be MY ottoman.
BC: Nice try. I'm NOT moving.
EM: MROOOW!!!
BC: Hey! You said you're a nice cat!
EM: Even nice cats have their limits.
BC: FINE! Be a ... what rhymes with ITCH! Momma!!! Ellie pushed me off the ottoman. I was there first.
EM: At least I'm not a SNITCH.
BC: You women all have attitude problems!
EM: {spreading out on the ottoman} That's what I thought! Nap time. Hmph. I'M the most adorable cat in the WHOLE world ... and ESPECIALLY this house! I'm the best thing EVER!
MK: We have this month's Chewy order to review, guys!
BC: But ... I just got comfortable in my hammock!

EM: Chop chop, lazy butt. We have work to do.
BC: If you think you'll get this hammock from me, let me be the first to tell you  ... NO WAY in @#$%! hell! You've tricked me enough for all my nine lives. I'm not moving unless the food comes out.

EM: Hurry up, Momma! What'd we get from Chewy this month?!? Tunas? Toys? What did we get?!?!

BC: Phht. Tuna? Toys? You have no taste! It's probably litter! Litter is the feline equivalent of giving people socks for their birthday. What kind of cat ARE you?
EM: The NICE kind. 
BC: So you keep saying. But I heard you cursing Momma out last night as she clipped your claws.
EM: And where do you think I learned those kinds of words?! And Momma's never bleeding all of the place when I'm done.
BC: Phht. Then what's the point?
EM: Tuna and toys.
BC: A real cat isn't impressed by litter or toys. Nope. Tanks. Tiaras. Tasty whole chickens. Bazookas. That's where it's at.
EM: Are you saying your claws and fangs aren't good enough?
BC: Phht. No. I'm saying every cat could use a little help. There's no such thing as too many claws or fangs. Furry fury all the way, baby!
EM: Like you need an excuse to show furry fury.
BC: Phht. Excuse?!? I drop my furry fury whenever I feel like it.
EM: Except you love Momma.
BC: That's why I have to keep her in line. 
MK: Food?!?!
BC: Did you say ... FOOD?!?! I want some! I want some!
MK: I have to take a few pictures first.
BC: Phht. The only thing that should happen after announcing food ... is FEEDING! You don't need pictures. Just tell them we ate it all! Case closed!
{Bear walks away into the kitchen as Momma takes a few pictures}
BC: {from the kitchen counter} Get with it, woman! My gastric juices just ate up my @#$%! patience. I'm starvatating here!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclosure: We received Taste of the Wild Canyon River Grain-Free Canned Cat Food (3-oz can, case of 24) - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Taste of the Wild nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post.
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MK: Who wants to try Taste of the Wild trout and salmon?
BC: At this point, I'd eat my sister!
EM: Is there ever a time you wouldn't?
BC: When I can't hide the body. I mean, there are not many places I can hide your body around here because you're ... err ... value-sized. And Momma would get really upset if you disappeared. ESPECIALLY if she found you in pieces. Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind though.
EM: Phht. Like YOU could win in a fight with me.
BC: There's a reason The Boy always tells Momma that I'm trying to kill you. I am.
EM: And yet, I'm still alive. AND my Daddy thinks YOU'RE the bad guy! Hahahahaha.
BC: Yeah. Yeah. Just rub it in! At least my Momma realized the truth!
EM: Trout and salmon?
BC: Trout and salmon sounds like a nail polish color. My nails are only painted with your blood.
MK: {opening the can} Huh. The chunks might be too big for you two. And there's not a ton of gravy ... 

BC: Like "too big" and "fishy" should EVER be in the same sentence! Or "gravy" and "too much."
EM: "The fishy was not too big?"
BC: I smell fishy! 
MK: But it does look tasty ... and there are vegetables.
BC: Phht. Like YOU'D know. You LIKE vegetables! And everything I consider the good stuff  makes you want to gag - so if it looks tasty to you, I'm screwed. AGAIN.
EM: I wanna try it, Momma!
BC: I NEVER SAID I DIDN'T!!! Give me da fishy! Give me da fishy!
EM: Me too! Give me da fishy too!
BC: HEY! You're just a copy cat!
MK: {setting the plates down} Here you go.
BC: Oooh. FISHY. Let me love you, beautiful!

EM: OH! I love fishy! Fishy is the best thing EVER!

{The cats chow down}

BC: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...
EM: Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom!!!

BC: What the ...
{Pause}
BC: {jumping back} AHHHH!
MK: Bear?
BC: You think this is funny? Ha. Put a few vegetables in Bear's fishy and he'll be too stupid to notice his fishy is contaminated with ... with ... the V word! I ALMOST died!
EM: V word?
BC: I talk about almost dying and all you care about is the V word!
MK: I didn't add vegetables! It came that way! I warned you but you didn't listen to me!

BC: You do so much blah blah blahing that I just tune all of it out. Sometimes things are ... err ... lost in the fray.
MK: Chewy says, "Carrots, blueberries and raspberries offer natural antioxidant support for overall health and immunity ... and the nutrient-rich highly digestible recipe is made with prebiotic fiber and nutrients from sweet potatoes, blueberries and raspberries."
BC: Phht! That's not real food! That vegetable tried to KILL me! Sure, like Smellie, it acts all innocent ... and then when a cat has his back turned ...
EM: I don't know ... I mean it TASTES like food ...
BC: I didn't ask you, now, did I?
MK: HEY! The first ingredient is trout! And it also contains ocean fish and salmon ... plus it's grain-free and contains no corn, wheat, fillers, artificial flavors, colors or preservatives.

BC: Stupid vegetables probably scared away the corn, wheat, fillers and artificial flavors.

MK: That's a GOOD thing. You don't need to eat junk.
BC: Says the Momma who eats copious amounts of doughnuts and chocolate chip cookies!
EM: So you're saying I shouldn't eat this? It smells so good!

MK: I grant you that the fruits and vegetables part is a bit odd as cats are obligate carnivores that don't require fruits and vegetables for balanced nutrition - but it doesn't really hurt either.
BC: {sniffing the food} It DOES smell good ... it might not hurt to eat ... as long as I don't get one of those vegetables!

EM: Just do what I do and spit them out!

MK: You two just encourage and corrupt each other.

The Boy: My Ellie-girl is sweet and innocent. It's YOUR cat that's corrupted!
{The Boy walks in, unable to sleep}
EM: Daddy! Momma's making us eat vegetables!
The Boy: WHAT?!?! You're making my cats eat vegetables?
MK: I love how they're YOUR cats when the behave and MY cats when the claws and fangs come out.
EM: I don't use my claws and fangs.
BC: SUCK-UP! Shut up and eat your vegetables! Don't make me come out there.
EM: YUM!! I'm already done, jerkwad! Need some help?

BC: NO! So help me ... if you even get close to my plate, that will be your final meal!
EM: I thought you were refusing to eat it because there are vegetables in it.
BC: Phht. I have discriminating taste! I don't each just anything. You're a garbage disposal.
EM: Discriminating taste? Is that what you call licking my butt?
BC: Like it's my fault I can't tell the difference between your head and your bottom.
EM: Phht. My bottom is attached to that big bushy thing called a tail. Not that you would have any idea what that is.
BC: You are NOT insulting my tail.
EM: You don't have a tail. You have a string.
BC: That's it! I'm going to ...
{The cats chase each other back and forth across the house}
The Boy: I'm starting to get tired. I'm going to get a drink of water and then try to go to bed.
BC: HUH?!? The Boy's going in the kitchen?! HECK NO! He's going to steal the rest of my wet food!
EM: HEY! We were playing!
BC: No one messes with my food.
MK: I guess he likes it ... vegetables or not. The biggest drawback is that we had to get an entire case of the same flavor. With the demand for variation around here, it will take forever to eat the rest of the twenty-four pack - but it's a great alternative.

Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying Taste of the Wild Canyon River Grain-Free Canned Cat Food (3-oz can, case of 24)? Go visit Chewy and order a pack for your favorite feline!

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Momma visits a tasty whole chicken farm

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Do you hear something?
EM: Haha. I'm not falling for that. Again.
BC: No, really! It sounds like someone's on the ...
{Pause}
EM: {FART}.
BC: HEY! You beat me to it!
{A key goes in the front door lock}
BC: THE BOOGIE MAN!
EM: Wrong side of the door, smarty-pants.
BC: Oh, shut up. Since you're the "nice" cat, I'm sure you're the one they'll abduct. If they try to touch ME, I'll give them what for.
EM: But ... but ... I LOVE it here!!
MK: {through the door} KITTENS!
BC and EM at the same time: MOMMA! 

EM: She's home!!! I'm going to tell her all the mean things you did to me.
BC: Phht. She won't believe you because I'm a sweet innocent ...
{Pause}
BC: I can't even say that with a straight face. Regardless, I'm her favorite! I get to greet her first! She'll want to see ME first.
EM: No way. MOVE OVER! I get to go first! I give the better welcome home reception. She likes to admire my tail. And I'm pretty.
BC: HEY! Stop shoving me unless you want something shoved where the sun don't shine. I'm the most senior cat. I go first.
EM: OWW! Stupid tyrant! I'm not going to let you push me aside. I want to say hi to my Momma! You're also the slowest ... so ...
BC: STOP! You can whack me as many times as you want with your stupid menace of a tail, but I'm NOT moving! I'm the cutest! 
EM: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Move out of the way! I'm going first. I'm so glad my Momma's home. I love my Momma!

BC: Yeah. Yeah. She's the best thing ever. BARF! 
EM: SEE?!?! I appreciate her ... I should go first. Move out of the way!
BC: I said she was the best thing ever too!
EM: Only because you broke that thing in the closet. 
BC: That's not why I said that! Besides, Momma said I'm not allowed to tell anyone what I did unless I admit to her that I did it. But moving on ... my Momma IS the best thing ever. I'm a Momma's boy all the way, baby.
EM: What about the attitude?
BC: I'm a Momma's boy with a mind of my own.
EM: Are you saying I don't have a mind of my ...
BC: FINE! I get to be first to greet Momma - and you can be first in her lap.
EM: Momma's lap?!?! YAY!!!
{The door opens}
BC and EM at the same time: MOMMA!
EM: Bear was being mean! He kept farting in the room I was in and then taking off.
BC: She slobbered over an ENTIRE BOWL of food.
EM: HE still ate it. He licked my butt!
BC: Because you kept shoving it in my face.
EM: He tried to flush me down the toilet.
BC: That's where poop goes!
EM: He stole my sparkle ball! AND LOST IT!

BC: Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places. You won't find a sparkle ball in my barf.
EM: I wasn't looking for a sparkle ball in your barf ... I was eating ...
BC: I'm so glad you're home, Momma!
EM: Pet me, Momma! Pet me!!!
BC: NO! I get to go first! Pet me!
EM: Move or I'll make you.
MK: I have two hands ... one for each of you.
EM: But it's not the same!
BC: Yeah! I don't want to share! Two handed rubs are my favorite.
EM: Maybe if you kept your fangs and claws to yourself ...
BC: Maybe if you stopped loving everything and saying how everything's your favorite.
EM: It's not my fault I'm a loving girl.
BC: It's not MY fault I'm not a sissy pansy and I have a mind of my own.
EM: That's another way of describing a jerk!
BC: I'm not a jerk! I'm a Momma's ...
EM: Momma?!? Bear was mean to me all weekend!! It was HORRIBLE!

{Pause as the cats look around}
BC: Where'd she go?
EM: She was here just a second ago.
BC: Great. You chased her off with all your whining.
EM: You're the one that was being a pain!
BC: Clearly she didn't want to see you.
EM: Or you.
BC: I'd shut up before ...
MK: ENOUGH!!! You're without me for a few days and you can't do anything but argue even when I'm here.
BC: She started ...
EM: HE started ...
BC: Wait a ... you locked the door.
MK: Yeah.
BC: No one else is coming?
MK: No.
BC: REALLY?!?! This is the best day ever!
MK: What are you ...
BC: The Boy's not coming back??
EM: WHAT?!?! My Daddy would never abandon me! I love my Daddy and he loves me!

BC: He'd have no choice if Momma shoved him in a carrier like she does to us.
MK: We didn't leave together, remember? He left the day after me.
BC: Phht. I hope you buried the body well. If you go to prison and I have to be left alone with SMELLIE ... I'LL accrue dead bodies.
MK: Okay, okay. The Boy is coming home tomorrow night. Everyone relax.
BC: Phht. You totally killed him. Frankly, I'm surprised it took you so long! He'll go missing ...
EM: {GASP} NOOOOOOO! I love my Daddy! Not quite as much as my Momma ... but you know.
MK: You two want to see pictures?
BC: Of the dead body?! I KNEW IT! One can only live with a Dweebler for a short period of time.
EM: HEY! I'm not going anywhere.
BC: You won't have a choice.
EM: You didn't really hurt Daddy, did you, Momma?
BC: Like she's going to CONFESS. 
{Momma sits at the computer}
MK: Calling all kittens! Calling all kittens! I have a lap ...
BC: {jumping on Momma's lap} Oof. Don't look so surprised, Momma!
MK: Look at ...
BC: What are these? Are all of these pictures of your niece and her birthday cake? Or did you get a shot of you picking your nose or pulling your underwear out of your butt? Because that's gold. Just saying.
EM: HEY! You said that if you greeted her first, I'd get her lap first!

BC: You make it too easy sometimes. 
EM: But that's MY lap! You PROMISED!
BC: {under his breath} It's not MY fault you're a class A sucker ... 

EM: FINE! I've been screwed. I'll just sit over here ALL ALONE. BY MYSELF. FORLORN. SAD. LAPLESS. The cold, hard suitcase will let me lay on it. BY MYSELF. Away from laps and love. At least IT appreciates me. My Daddy would never let me be marginalized like this.
BC: It would be better if the suitcase were in the corner ... far away from the moment my Momma and I are having, Could you be any more dramati ... {Bear looks at Momma's computer screen} {GASP}. What the fuzzy nipple ants ...

{Pause}
BC:  YOU WENT TO A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN FARM WITHOUT ME!
MK: No, see, these are ...
BC: Oh. I see how it is. You get in your tasty whole chicken fix away from me because you don't want to share.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! In this one you're SMILING!!! Like you're PROUD of leaving me at home to fend for myself while you commune with the chickens on a farm! That smile MOCKS me!

{Pause}
BC: A chicken on the side!
EM: I thought chicken usually comes with a couple sides vs. being the side itself. Sides like potatoes or vegetables or something.
BC: I can't believe this! You GO AWAY to get your chicken fix instead of having them here. And after all your lectures on SHARING. You should be ashamed of ...
{Pause}
BC: OH! That one looks tasty! You didn't happen to bring it home with you?
EM: I'm sure she already ate it.
BC: Just rub it ...
MK: NO! I didn't really go to a tasty whole chicken farm. I just thought it would make a funny joke.
BC: Oh SURE. Make a joke about your chicken-less, starving, innocent kitty cat.
EM: Then she wouldn't be making a joke about you. Because, while you might be chicken-less, you are not starving or innocent.
BC: HEY! When I finally nab this chicken ring, you don't get any! 
EM: You couldn't catch a chicken if it were in your shark bed.
BC: Hey. I know how to deal with and respond to disrespect. Phht. I'm disrespected twenty ways to Thursday because Momma went to the tasty whole chicken farm WITHOUT me. FINE! You want to withhold from me? {jumping down} No more lap cat for YOU!
EM: MY TURN!!! WOO-HOO! I love you, Momma! You're the best thing ever. But that facial tissue box will never be the same.

BC: The BOX!?!? What about ME?!?
MK: What exactly ... BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it.
MK: Why are all my facial tissues on the floor out of the box?
BC: Oh. THAT. The box was taunting me so I taught it a lesson.
EM: Really? Because it looked like you got one of your claws stuck in the hole you punctured in the box.
BC: It was attacking me! I almost DIED and all you can do is laugh at me! I hope a facial tissue box attacks you and you see what it's like. You won't be laughing then. This is NOT a good day. Yeah, Momma's home ... but ... First, I find out you went to a tasty whole chicken farm without me ... and then you take the box's side! How can you live with yourself and abuse such a sweet and ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I still can't say that with a straight face!
MK: If it makes you feel any better, I fell off the chair I was standing on to get the chicken-mallows down.
BC: Hmph. That's what you get! Wait ... why is your hand wrapped like that?! Weird! I've heard of fat going to one's behind ... but yours goes to your hand?
MK: It's swollen. I hurt my hand when I fell off the chair.
BC: Hahahahaha. Cosmic smackdown, party of one! Only you could manage to hurt yourself creeping around behind my back! And your evil deeds left you with a little momento. You visit a chicken farm without me ...
EM: And what do you think will happen to you because of the facial tissue box?
BC: That's DIFFERENT. That box had it coming. I'm the karma-nic police of the universe. 
EM: So you're above the law?
BC: Phht. Better than being under it. Do you have the chair dive on video?
MK: No.
BC: RATS! Because that would be hilarious. And I should know. I've seen you take a dive off a chair before. Several times. Well worth charging admission. Thank goodness I've never had to give you mouth to mouth! Eww.
MK: Right. Time to unpack.
{Ellie runs to Momma's suitcase and hops on it}
EM: But ... but ... I wasn't done laying on it yet! This suitcase is the best thing EVER!

BC: BARF. Stupid women. They can't ever make up their minds. You sneeze and everything changes.
MK: Ellie! I need to unpack and get this suitcase out of the way.
BC: Smellie's right where she always is ... IN THE WAY. Did you bring any tasty whole chickens back with you?
MK: No.
BC: Serves you right! Don't move, Smellie!
EM: {flipping her tail around} Well, if there were treats in here ... or catnip ... but if you came back with nothing for us ... Bear's right!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! 
EM: HEY! Get off me! I was here first! This is MY suitcase!
BC: Hmph. Whatever.
EM: HEY! That's my tail!
BC: Then stop flicking it all over the place!
EM: I've had it with you being mean to me! I might be a nice cat, but I have my limits!
BC: Phht. Like it's MY fault you're a ...
EM: I'm a WHAT?!
BC: Err ... umm ... you sure look like you mean business ...
{Ellie chases Bear down the hall}
MK: {sigh} What does it say about me that I missed this?
{The cats chase each other around and wrestle like mad while Momma unpacks and gets ready for bed}
MK: Bed time!
EM: {jumping on the bed} OH! ME! ME! Hi, Momma!
MK: Wow. You've never laid on me on the bed. Usually, you just lay at the foot of the ...
BC: {jumping up on the bed} HUH?! What's SHE doing here?

EM: Look at my tail, Momma! Isn't it pretty?!?!
BC: Oh, great.
MK: Are you dancing for me?
EM: Uh huh! Aren't I pretty?!
BC: Phht. If I have to share this bed with you ... SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
EM: {laying on Momma's chest} HMPH!
BC: HEY! That's MY spot!
EM: Too bad. So sad.
BC: I'm not putting up with this ...
{Ellie whaps Bear}
BC: HEY! MOMMA! Smellie just whapped me in the ...
{Ellie whaps Bear harder this time}
BC: That's IT! I'm not putting up with this!
EM: I DARE YOU!
{They both jump off the bed and chase each other around the house}
MK: Home. Where the claws and fangs are. They always seem thicker than thieves when I get home from a trip.
BC: STOP TOUCHING ME!
EM: THEN STOP LOOKING AT ME!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
EM: NO! YOU shut up!
BC: I'll make you ...
{Momma eventually falls asleep and wakes up an hour later will each cat curled into opposite sides. Bear's snoring lightly and Ellie's bushy tail is wrapped around her.}
MK: {smiling} Perfection. Now only if The Boy were here ...
{Momma falls back asleep with a smile on her face}

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