Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Bear's pay-back

This post is the continuation of the story of Bear's last vet visit. If you missed part 1, you may find it here: Kitty trauma drama. While Bear felt traumatized in part 1, he musters the strength for pay-back this time around. Is anyone spared?

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
Vet tech 2: Giggles McGiggly (We meet Giggles in: Giggles McGiggly)

BC: HEY! If you're going to grab me there, you better respect me in the morning!
Vet tech 2: Hahahaha. Let's get you back to your Momma.
BC: Giggles, do I really HAVE to go back to my Momma? 
Vet tech 2: Yes, Bear.
BC: Do you have treats?
Vet tech 2: Here?
BC: NO! At home!
Vet tech 2: Hahahaha. Of course!
BC: Are your cats' food bowls overflowing at all times?
Vet tech 2: Yes.
BC: You're sure, right?
Vet tech 2: Yep. Why?
BC: When I met my Momma, she bamboozled me by making me think she'd give me tons of treats and a full kibble bowl ... and then when I was in her evil clutches, she stopped giving me treats every day and she let my food bowl hover around 98.427% full! I can ALMOST see the bottom of the bowl! I've tried to escape countless times, but she always grabs me! It's HORRIBLE, Giggles! HORRIBLE! 
Vet tech 2: Poor Bear.
BC: When she adopted me, she said I had to be nice to my sister because she was my only sister. She died and now I have ANOTHER sister! And don't even get me started on the litter box! Smellie might seem sweet - and a lot stupid - but her poop smells BAD. She smells bad! That's why I call her Smellie.
Vet tech 2: Haha. I'm sure it's not THAT bad ...
BC: And she won't let me buy a tank! She hides her tasty whole chickens from me! And her bazooka!
Vet tech 2: Ellie does this?
BC: NO! My Momma! Pay attention! Can you believe she BRUSHES my TEETH?!?
Vet tech 2: Sounds like she loves you.
{Silence}
BC: Whose side are you on?

{Pause}
BC: TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU! We could slip out the back and no one would know! We'll make a run for it! I'll be quiet! I promise!
Vet tech 2: YOU?!?! Quiet?
BC: Okay. Okay. I see what you mean.
Vet tech 2: I think your Momma would be upset if you disappeared.
BC: HMPH.
Vet tech 2: I think you love her so much that it messes with your need to be independent and your own cat - and you react - by complaining and showing her she's not the boss of you. You don't really mean it ... you're really a Momma's boy at heart.
BC: LIES!
Vet tech 2: Where's your favorite place to be?
BC: Err ... the pantry?
Vet tech 2: Try again.
BC: {mumbling} In my Momma's arms.
Vet tech 2: When you're scared or not sure where do you go?
BC: MY MOMMA! That woman would send the world to hell before she let something happen to me.
Vet tech 2: Uh huh. Every time she brings you in, she pulls you out of the carrier and sits down with you in her lap, wraps her arms and coat around you and holds you until we come in. And even more, you prefer to be there - while many cats prefer to explore the room.
{Pause}
BC: Holy smelly goose farts! I AM a Momma's boy! Don't tell my Momma! She'll get all uppity.

Vet tech 2: It sounds like the feeling is mutual and she loves you too.
BC: Do you know that she'll walk into a room where I am JUST to make sure I'm breathing? Like what's she going to do if I'm not? 911 doesn't answer our calls anymore.
Vet tech 2: WHAT?
BC: SOMEONE in our house, who shall remain nameless, got in BIG trouble for repeatedly calling 911.
Vet tech 2: For what?
BC: Let's see ... there was the empty food bowl ... actually, that call happened more than once. Then a call or ten reported missing tasty whole chickens. OH! And assault.
Vet tech 2: Someone was assaulted at your house?!
BC: ME! Momma clipped my claws!
Vet tech 2: So YOU made these calls?
BC: No?
{Pause}
BC: The last straw was when I caught Momma digging around in the litter box and I called 911 to report that someone had been murdered and my Momma was burying the body in my litter box!
Vet tech 2: Wow.
BC: I admit it was amusing to watch the police sift through my litter box.
Vet tech 2: Oh, NO! They didn't!
BC: How was I supposed to know that Smellie had out-done herself with a stinky poop that Momma wanted to cover? I thought she was burying The Boy!
{Pause}
BC: Or maybe that was wishful thinking.
{Pause}
BC: So, tell me the truth, Giggles. Is the vet a real vet?
Vet tech 2: Of course! Do you want to see all his fancy certificates on his office wall?
BC: His OFFICE? Is there stuff on his desk?
Vet tech 2: Yes.
BC: And papers?
Vet tech 2: Ummm ... I think.
BC: I want to see his office!
Vet tech 2: Can you behave?
BC: Is that a trick question? I just want to see if he's a real vet.

Vet tech 2: See? These are all his ...
{THUNK!}
Vet tech 2: BEAR! Did you just knock something off his desk?
BC: Err ... my foot slipped.
Vet tech 2: This was a bad idea. 
BC: Those papers look fake! Let me get a closer look ...
Vet tech 2: Okay ...
{THWACK!}
{THUNK!}
Vet tech 2: BEAR! You just knocked his vet school diploma on the floor!
BC: NO! WAIT! Let me paper surf! My Momma never keeps this many papers scattered all over!
Vet tech 2: I don't know ...
BC: You be the lookout!
Vet tech 2: Okay.
BC: {sliding one way across the desk} WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
{Pause}
BC: Surf's up!
{Pause}
BC: {sliding back across the desk} WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Vet: What's going on in here?
BC: Uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: *@&!#!
{THUNK!}
Vet: Was that a cat sliding across my desk? Interesting.
BC: MEOW!
Vet: AHHHH! Wait a ...
{Pause}
Vet: Why is there a cat in my trash can?
BC: Err ... no speako Englaish?

Vet: {leaning back out into the hall} Why is there a non-English speaking cat in my trash can?
BC: I think the better question is why your trash can is around me?
{Pause}
BC: {SNIFF SNIFF} Did you have a chicken sandwich for lunch?
Vet: I don't remember ...
BC: SCORE! Chicken AND cheese! Don't mind if I do ...
Vet: Did you knock my stuff off the desk?
BC: {while chewing some chicken} Erf ... noff?
Vet: There's an empty spot on the wall!
BC: {while chewing some chicken} Oofs? 
{Pause as Bear finishes chewing}
BC: HEY! This is a good sandwich! MUCH better than anything my Momma can make. And no vegetables! Why didn't you want the rest of it?
Vet: I DID want the rest of it. I left it out on my desk while I made a phone call.
BC: Oops. I guess I knocked it in the trash can with me. 
{Pause}
BC: {holding out the rest of the sandwich} Sorry? It still tastes good!

{Bear drops the sandwich on the floor}
BC: Oops.

Vet: How did you get in here?
BC: Well, see ... I saw all the papers on your desk and my Momma doesn't have papers laying around like that so I went paper surfing. I might've misjudged the stopping distance and I ended up in the trash can.
Vet: Not how did you get in the trash can ... how did you get in my office?
BC: I don't remember. One minute, I was safe inside my carrier, and the next, a band of wild aliens came running through and cat-napped me.
Vet: Aliens?
BC: Yeah!
Vet: Did you hit your head when you fell into the trash can?
BC: No ... 
Vet: Where are you supposed to be?
BC: The mother ship?
Vet: Wait a minute ... {shuffling charts} ... you're Bear?
BC: Err ... I don't remember?
Vet: Your Mom's in Exam Room 3?
BC: Holy cat crap on a cracker! I knew my Momma was a moose, but I didn't realize she was checked out by a vet too!
Vet: So you are Bear?
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, I'm Pooh Bear Cat Kat, First of His Name, King of the Momma Kat household, Lord of Tasty Whole Chickens, and Keeper of the Handsome Stripe-y Pants. But you may also call me Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. My fans call me B-Cube.
Vet: Interesting.
{Silence}
BC: AHEM!
{Pause}
BC: AHEM!!!!
Vet: What?
BC: You may bow before me.
Vet: Let's get you back to the exam room.
BC: Only after you bow.

Vet: To a cat in a trash can eating the rest of my lunch? 
BC: TECHNICALLY, I'm no longer eating your lunch because I tried to give it back to you and it fell on the floor.
Vet: Come on, big boy!
{The door to the exam room opens}
MK: WHERE WERE YOU!?! Giggles took off with you half an hour ago!
Vet: Giggles?
BC: Aliens.
Vet: One of the alien's names was Giggles?
BC: NO! Giggles, the vet tech! But I was abducted by aliens!
MK: Gary and Larry?
BC: YES!
Vet: Wait ... you see them too?
MK: Well, no ... but Gary and Larry only make an appearance when some cat has been misbehaving.
BC: There's another cat here?! I didn't see him.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Err ...
Vet: I found him in the trash can in my office.
MK: BEAR!
Vet: My office is a mess.
MK: BEAR! What did you do?
BC: I'm an outlaw. Throw me in the slammer and throw away the key. Tell all the torties I'm bad to the bone.
Vet: He also ate my lunch.
MK: BEAR!
BC: It was an accident!

MK: BEAR!
BC: Err ... MOSTLY an accident.
MK: BEAR!
BC: You really need to work on your vocabulary! All you keep saying is BEAR! No wonder our blog sucks!
Vet: I guess I don't have to ask about his appetite.
BC: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRP.
MK: BEAR!
Vet: {leaning out the exam room door} Can we get a tech in here?
{Pause}
Vet: Where is everyone?
BC: Maybe next time you'll believe me about those aliens.
Vet: Or they're cleaning up my office.
BC: Oh, by the way ... I think your vet techs might be scared of me.
Vet: Interesting.
BC: So are you going to ban me from coming back here?
MK: BEAR!
Vet: IN-TTERRRRRESTING.
BC: SHEESH! What is this, the twilight zone? SHE keeps saying my name and you keep saying "interesting!" "Bear! Interesting. BEAR! Interesting. Bear! Interesting!" And you think I have a head injury?
MK: BEAR!
Vet: Interesting.
BC: ARG! FINE! I knocked the diploma off the wall! I knocked the coffee cup off the desk! I paper surfed into the trash can and knocked papers off the desk! And I ate a chicken and cheese sandwich. Just stop saying ...
MK: BEAR!
Vet: Hmmm ... interesting.
BC: {sigh} Humans. I clearly expect too much.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Watch where you stick that! You seem to be enjoying doing that a little too much!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

Featured posts:

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Kitty trauma drama

It's that time of year again! Momma's taking Bear someplace and he catches on to her trick too late! Will he survive? Will she?

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
Vet tech
Vet tech #2

BC: I HATE YOU! I REALLY REALLY hate you! You're going to pay for this! I mean it!
MK: Bear, we have to go see someone.
BC: Are we going to a tasty whole chicken farm?
MK: No.
BC: Then where are we going?
MK: It's a surprise.
BC: Considering how much you dislike my "surprises," that doesn't make me feel any better.
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: Is the car still moving?
BC: Yes.
MK: THEN WE'RE NOT THERE YET!
BC: Put the pedal to the metal, woman.
MK: I'm already going twenty miles per hour OVER the speed limit.
BC: This is going to take forever.
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: Err ... oh, crap!
BC: WHAT?
MK: A cop!
BC: A WHAT?
MK: A man that enforces the speed limit.
BC: So he's the law?
MK: Yes.
BC: OH! Get pulled over! I'll talk to him and convince him to give us a ride to the vet.
MK: In a cop car?
BC: Lights and sirens ... no speed limit ... no traffic lights ... anything to get there faster.
MK: Bear, I don't think ...
BC: If he doesn't listen, I'll bite him!
MK: I really hope we don't get pulled over because this would end badly.
BC: For HIM!
MK: Bear, you can't go around biting people who don't do what you want.
BC: Have you met me?
MK: Good point.
BC: I'll show you all my twenty-two points.
MK: Put those away.
BC: RUIN ALL MY FUN!

{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No.
BC: Are we moving? It doesn't feel like we're moving!
MK: Red light.
BC: SO? Cats have the right of way. 
MK: I don't remember that being in the driver's manual.
BC: Phht. They're written by PEOPLE. Hit the horn and drive!
MK: I'm not going to be arrested.
BC: Phht. You're scared of a little incarceration?
MK: Isn't that why you were cursing at me earlier? Because of your incarceration?
BC: I'm bad to the bone, Momma.
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No.
BC: Are WE THERE yet?
MK: NO!
BC: We're there now, right?
MK: NO!
BC: Are ...
MK: STOP ASKING, "Are we there yet!?" or I'm going to park in that parking lot and wait until you stop asking.
BC: Will we be there soon?
MK: ARG! From now on, drugs are going to be involved in this kind of thing.
BC: You would drug me?
MK: NO! They're for me!
BC: Just say no, Momma!
MK: NO! NONONONONONONONONONO!!!
BC: Not to me! Though I guess I didn't specify ...
{Pause}
BC: Momma?
MK: Yes?
BC: Are we there yet?!
MK: SO HELP ME, IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU AT THE ...
BC: The WHAT? Where are we going?
MK: WE'RE HERE!
BC: Where? Why are you putting a towel over my carrier?! I know where all your dead bodies are! I've become loose ends!

MK: SHHH!
BC: OH! Are you sneaking me into someplace? Cool! Don't worry, I won't say anything.
{Pause}
BC: On second thought, what kind of place wouldn't allow cats?! I'm loud and proud, Momma! Where are we going?
{The door to a room closes and Momma opens Bear's carrier}
BC: Is this a meeting with the President?
MK: No.
BC: My lawyer?
MK: I thought she fired you.
BC: I thought it was a ...
{Pause}
BC: Nope. The guy lawyer was the one before the last one. Speaking of ... I need to find a new lawyer.
MK: You could just not sue everyone for everything.
BC: Phht. You think I'm going to WORK to make enough money for a tasty whole chicken farm? It's sue or win the lottery - and considering how unlucky I was in running into you on the street ... I figure that's not going to happen.
MK: Has your life really been that bad with me?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: Am I really that bad of a Momma?
BC: Err ... are you really THAT GOOD of a Momma?
MK: My favorite day of the year.
BC: What day? Are we here to see Santa? This person must be VERY important that we're waiting so long to see him. 
MK: It's been ninety seconds.
BC: You and your useless human details.

{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... I know this smell ...
{Pause}
BC: AWWWWW. HEEEEEELLLLL NO! We're at the vet!
{The vet tech walks in}
Vet tech: Let's get his weight.
BC: I have a name, you know! MY NAME IS BEAR.
MK: SHH!
BC: She didn't even know my name!
MK: But she knew you were male.
BC: Well ... OBVIOUSLY. I give off that vibe you know. My virile testosterone essence causes girls to swoon.
Vet tech: It says here that's he's fixed?
BC: EXCUSE ME?
Vet tech: Neutered?
MK: Yes. He's just very protective of what's left of his manhood.
Vet tech: Okay.
BC: MANHOOD?!?! MAN - HOOD?!?!?! My balls were cruelly ripped from my lifeless member!
Vet tech: Err ...
MK: He's a little ... dramatic.
BC: And by lifeless, I mean exhausted. Man, I painted the town tortie before my Momma ripped me from that oat pasture.

Vet tech: Oat what?
MK: He was sowing his wild oats?
Vet tech: Ah.
BC: Can we have another vet tech? This one's stupid.
MK: BEAR!
Vet tech: Let's weigh this handsome big guy.
BC: BIG?! How much do YOU weigh?
MK: She meant big as in masculine.
BC: You can weigh me ... but only if Momma steps on the scale first.
Vet tech: Well, see, this scale is for cats only ...
BC: I saw that huge cow scale out in the waiting room. You first. Then her. We'll take an average of your two weights.
Vet tech: We really need to get your weight.
BC: And I REALLY NEED to go home!
Vet tech: Okay.
BC: I CAN GO HOME?
Vet tech: No. We'll just have to do this the hard way.
BC: Hard ...
Vet tech: Come on, handsome!
BC: Don't butter me up! Unless you want to tell me what I already know. I am the handsomest boy cat EVER!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! PUT ME DOWN! CALL MY LAWYER! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU AND STICK A THERMOMETER UP YOUR BACK END SO FAR IT WILL BE UNDER YOUR TONGUE!
MK: Bear ...
BC: My Momma's going to kick your rather large back end to next week if you hurt me!
MK: {groan}.
BC: MOMMA!!!! Are you just going to stand there? DO SOMETHING! Oh, I see. I save your life, but you aren't there when I need you!
MK: Bear ...
BC: HELP! HELP! I'm being murdered! Raped! I'm being MAN-HAN ... err ... WOMAN handled! HELP! HEEEEEELLLPP! CALL THE POLICE! Call my lawyer!
Vet tech 2: {opening the door) Is everything okay in here?
Vet tech: Yes.
BC: It's Giggles McGiggly!

Vet tech 2: Hahahaha. Hi, Bear.
BC: SEE?! Giggles knows my name.
Vet tech 2: Who could forget you?
BC: I bet you say that to all the handsome cats. HA! SEE?!?! I'm famous! I'm so awesome, everyone knows me!
Vet tech: Awesome is ONE word for it.
BC: Giggles, I never thought I'd be happy to see you! HELP! This vet tech is mean!
Vet tech: WHAT?! I didn't do ...
BC: HUSH!
Vet tech 2: Do you want me to weigh you?
BC: Will you respect me in the morning?
Vet tech 2: Woe be the vet tech that doesn't respect you. Here we go ...
{Pause}
Vet tech 2: XX pounds and XX ounces.
BC: My weight in solid gold, baby!
Vet tech 2: Did you see the note in his chart?
Vet tech: Note?
BC: WHAT NOTE?
Vet tech 2: Telling staff that you are ... interesting.
BC: HEY! Last time I was here, I charmed the pants off the male vet tech. Usually, I don't like men. 
Vet tech 2: And he craps!
MK: Oh, no.
BC: Fire this vet tech and come handle me, Giggles! I'll give you a private show.
Vet tech: That sounds cool! I want a private show!
BC: Phht. Only Giggles gets a private show.
Vet tech 2: Err ... you might want to limit your expectations of his show.
BC: WHAT?!?!
Vet tech 2: I mean ... err ... not everyone likes crap.
BC: Phht. Those people with bad taste. You know, the people who get dogs?
Vet tech: He craps and calls that a show?
Vet tech 2: Ask him! He drops more than beats!
Vet tech: Alright, Big Guy. Time to take you to the back for a blood draw.
BC: AHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm in the arms of a vampire who wants to suck my blood! HELP!
{Pause}
BC: NO! You're NOT allowed to touch me!

Vet tech: But ...
BC: Only Giggles is allowed to touch me.
Vet tech 2: Hahaha. You flirt.
BC: Only with you, Giggles! So help me, if this OTHER vet tech picks me up one more time, you'll find her liver in California and her kidneys in Wisconsin and Seattle.
Vet tech 2: Come on, handsome!
BC: You wouldn't believe what Smellie did!
Vet tech 2: The pretty black cat?
BC: You disappoint me, Giggles. And here I thought you had taste. See, I paid Smellie to steal the postcard reminding my Momma I was due for my annual visit ... but she must've missed it! Then again, I guess if you want something done right, you should do it yourself.
{Pause}
BC: {as they walk down the hall} Now, I don't want to be rude ... but that other vet tech? She should be fired! Where's Dr. Dolittle?
Vet tech 2: Dolittle! Hahahahahahahaha.
{Pause}
Vet tech 2: Let's get this done quickly so I can take you back to your Momma.
BC: I'm in no rush ... By the way, I see all these closed doors. You don't have any tasty whole chickens here, do you?
Vet tech 2: I don't think so. Let's get this over with!
BC: No. Make my Momma wait! That'll show her!
Vet tech 2: You'll show her how mean she is by letting her spend more time in peace and quiet?
BC: You always get me, Giggles. Do you think you could adopt me?! Because my Momma leaves a lot to be desired.
Vet tech 2: She's not that bad.
BC: You're right! She's worse! You wouldn't believe what she did the other day! Talk about stupid!
{Pause}
BC: OWW! What's wrong with you?
Vet tech 2: Let's go back to the room. I'm sure your Momma will be glad to have you back.
BC: Phht. I'm not glad to have her back!

STAY TUNED! The story will conclude later this week (we think).


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

Featured posts:
Bear's adventures in a carrier and at the vet are legendary ...
Giggles McGiggly.
Coordinated holding cells.
Bear's [beyond, then NOT] bad day, Part 2.
Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time.
Let's talk about ... WORMS?!?
Bear's cat rapping show hits the road.
Bear's cat rapping show hits the road, part 2.
Idioms for idiots.

Friday, November 8, 2019

There's an app for that

The cats are upset that they won't be getting smartphones as they've already chosen their apps and ringtones. If you missed the posts detailing why our cats will NOT be getting smartphones of their own: Texting with cats and More texting with cats. As it turns out, the cats have been messing around with The Boy's smartphone and he isn't very happy about that. Plus, Momma's new computer antagonizes the cats and scars them for life.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

EM: So when do we get our new cell phones?
MK: We're not.
EM: WHAT?! I was really excited about getting my own cell phone!
MK: You and Bear would be ridiculous.
EM: Bear and I are ALREADY ridiculous!
MK: That is true.
EM: But ... but ... I found the PERFECT app!
MK: Err ... what?
EM: An APP! 
MK: I don't know what that is!
EM: It's software for mobile devices!
MK: Wait a ... how do YOU know about apps?
EM: Doesn't everyone?
{Pause}
EM: I guess not. The perfect app for me is the LAP APP.
MK: Ugh.
EM: It tells me if any laps are available within a certain radius.
MK: You could just walk in another room and check.
EM: This way, I don't have to get up to check! If no laps are available, why get up?
MK: Because you're lazy.
EM: It's TECHNOLOGY, Momma! Everybody does it!
MK: Or DOESN'T do it as the case might be when one doesn't have to get up to check something.
EM: Can we PLEASE get cell phones?
MK: NO!
EM: I already picked out my ringtone!

MK: How? The Boy is the only one with a smart cell phone.
The Boy: {walking in the front door} WHO CHANGED MY RINGTONE TO CLUCKING CHICKENS?!
MK: Ellie? Chickens?!
EM: But ...
BC: {walking into the room} Those are my chickens. Smellie put some lame, stupid ringtone on his phone so I put a better one on there! You're WELCOME!
The Boy: When your Momma called me at work, I got in trouble! Apparently, some people are scared of chickens!
BC: Phht. It's chickens who should be afraid. Chickens are chicken!
The Boy: That's not the point!
BC: Be glad I didn't leave Smellie's ringtone on there! Or made a really juicy fart ringtone. 
EM: He's right! I heard the really juicy fart one! He listened to it over and over and rolled all over the floor laughing.
BC: You would've been the laughingstock of the office!
EM: HEY! My ringtone wasn't so bad though!
BC: When we get our new phones, she should be banned from having ringtones!
EM: That's not fair! Momma! Tell Bear that's not fair!
MK: We're not getting cell phones.
BC: WHAT?!? Ms. Cheap-y McCheap doesn't want to pay for them?
EM: Momma said we'd be ridiculous!
BC: We're ALREADY ridiculous!
MK: You changing The Boy's ringtone just proves I made the right decision!
BC: If I had my OWN cell phone, I wouldn't need to use The Boy's.

The Boy: Wait a minute ... YOU are the reason I was charged for that tortie playmate site, Viva le Tortie!
BC: Phht. Let me tell you. You're not missing anything. 
The Boy: What?
BC: DISAPPOINTING!
The Boy: How?
BC: Maybe it's just because Amarula and Mudpie are so hot - but none of those playmate torties could hold a candle to either!
EM: Holding a candle to something is dangerous. Momma said we're not allowed to use the candles.
BC: Oh, yeah? How about I hold a candle to your scratcher?
EM: {GASP!!!!} You WOULDN'T! That's not something anyone should even JOKE about! Momma! Tell him he can't burn my scratcher!
MK: He wouldn't really.
BC: Oh?
EM: SEE!!! Tell him he's not allowed to burn my scratcher or anything else I own!
MK: Bear ...
The Boy: I don't care how Viva le Tortie was disappointing - how did you bypass my user control?
BC: I don't remember.
EM: TELL HIM HE CAN'T BURN MY SCRATCHER or I'll burn ALL his catnip!
BC: Huh. That might actually work. Burning the catnip might intensify the effect! I could find out about this "inhaling" thing.
EM: MOMMA!!! TELL BEAR HE'S GROUNDED AND IN BIG TROUBLE!

MK: Ellie, he's not going to hurt anything of yours.
EM: You should've seen what he did with my favorite pom-pom ball! I can't even look at it without blushing anymore! If he messes with my scratcher, I'm going to ... err ... DO SOMETHING REALLY BAD TO HIM!
BC: There's not much you could do that's worse than sharing a litter box with you.
EM: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of you being mean to me! I'm going to rearrange your face until it's indistinguishable from your back end!
The Boy: Back to something that's important ... the Viva le Tortie subscription was one hundred and forty-nine dollars and ninety-seven cents!
BC: REALLY?! That's a good deal! I might need to reconsider canceling my subscription. The site said the monthly price was two hundred and thirty-nine dollars ... {seeing The Boy's face} ... err ... free?!
The Boy: And Chickens Gone Wild?
BC: Phht. Even more disappointing. I thought the site would be videos of chickens running around with their heads cut off! But it was some sicko site!
The Boy: Sicko as opposed to headless chickens?
EM: Headless chickens?! That's not very nice! Though it's not as bad as some brother burning a girl's scratcher!
BC: I never knew people could get it on with chickens.
EM: Get on what?
The Boy: EWW! You watched that on my phone?
EM: OH! Is there a tunas gone wild site?
MK: NO!
EM: Well, that's not fair! That's discrimination against tunas! Tunas can be wild too!

MK: NONONONONONO. Nothing going wild - including imaginations.
The Boy: I can't get the image of person doing it with a tuna out of my head!
BC: Is it as good for you as it is for me?
EM: Doing what with a tuna? Because I can think of like eighty-four things I'd like to do to a tuna.
MK: Neither of you are allowed to touch The Boy's cell phone!
BC: But I need the Nap App!
EM: SEE?!? Everyone does it, Momma!
MK: The Nap App?
BC: Never miss a nap again! You enter a napping schedule and it reminds you when it's your nap time.
MK: How about taking a nap when you're tired?
EM: You'd understand if you were a cat.
BC: Speaking of ... I want to develop a crap app.
MK: This just gets worse!
EM: That's BRILLIANT! It would tell people when the litter box needs scooping!
BC: WHAT?! NO! The crap app would help a cat rapper create the perfect rap.
MK: How many crappers exist?
BC: I don't care. I'm the best crapper. That's all that matters. My app could help budding crappers reach their full potential.
MK: Why do I even ask?
BC: I also had an idea for a gap app. It tells you how much room a cat has to lay when a human insists on sharing space with the cat. It would also mathematically calculate the perfect spot to lay on the plane so that a human wouldn't fit.

EM: I don't want to lay on a plane!
BC: "Momma got a doughnut butt? Use the gap app to find the perfect laying position so she can't share your space with you."
EM: I'd get that app!
MK: Neither of you are allowed to touch The Boy's cell phone!
BC: But your cell phone is no fun because it's a dumb phone! Besides taking pictures of Smellie's butt, it's not good for very much.
EM: Tock-tober is over!
MK: What?
EM: Don't feel left out, Momma. We got plenty of pictures of our butts for you!
MK: As if I don't already spend most of my day staring at your butts?
EM: Now you have the pictures on your phone!
MK: Is that why the memory on my phone is so low?
EM: Your phone forgets things? How old is it?
BC: Phht. It's a dumb phone.
MK: Remember what happened yesterday?
EM: Hahahahahaha. That was great!
BC: Nothing happened yesterday.
EM: Yeah, it did!
BC: Where are the pictures? If there aren't pictures, it never happened.
The Boy: What happened?
BC: NOTHING!
EM: See, Momma was setting up her new computer and Bear ...



WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY ...
MK: Ellie, can you watch my new computer while I do some stuff?
EM: What's it supposed to do? What happens if I miss what I'm looking for?
MK: Just make sure your brother doesn't antagonize the computer.
BC: And WHO is THIS fine specimen?
EM: Uh oh.
BC: Helllllllo.
EM: It's Momma's new computer! She's finally setting it up!
BC: What's its name?
EM: Err ... I don't know.
BC: Her computer's name is "I don't know?"
EM: I DON'T KNOW!
BC: What?! She gets herself a fancy computer but we can't have cell phones?
EM: Momma DOES have our blog.
BC: OUR blog? I don't think so!
{The computer beeps}
BC: IT BEEPED AT ME!
EM: I don't think it actually beeped AT you ... but maybe you're in the way. You know how cars honk and other cars to get out of the way?
BC: I won't take this disrespect! Not from a tooth-less, claw-less dimwit.
EM: What disrespect?
BC: YOu don't scare me, computer. I have my eye on you. I can take you apart piece by piece!
EM: Uh oh.
BC: DID YOU SEE THAT?! It BLINKED at me! Mercy is for the weak. And this computer has blinked its last.
EM: I think I should go get Momma.
BC: Phht. I don't need Momma to protect me from this dimwitted machine!

{WHAP!}
{WHAP!}
{The DVD tray opens}
EM: OH NO! I think you made it mad!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It took a swing at me! It's after me! Wait until my Momma comes back! She won't let anyone disrespect me.
EM: Momma DID take you to the vet ...
BC: On second thought, yeah she would. This computer will be in pieces when I get done with it.
{Another beep}
BC: {taking off down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: Bear under the bed might just be the safest for all involved!
{The computer beeps}
EM: Err ... Bear?!?! MOMMA?!?!? 
{Pause}
{The computer beeps}
EM: *&%@ THAT! I'm getting out of here!
{Pause}
EM: {while running own the hall} It's going to eat me! BEAR! Move over! I'm coming under the bed!
BC: Oh, great! Tell it where we are! Now I need to find a new spot!
EM: OH NO! There are only a few hiding spots I fit!
BC: You can thank me later for not turning your comment into an insult ... I'm too busy finding a new hiding spot!
{Pause}
BC: And I'm sized out of hiding spots too.
EM: We'll start a diet!
BC: Tomorrow!
EM: Agreed!


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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