Friday, April 26, 2019

The indignities of the Momma Kat Household

If you missed the last two posts about our plumbing calamity, you may read about them here: Crazy 'R Us! and The secret in Momma's closet. Our bathtub faucet is finally fixed - though that fact is overlooked when Bear tells The Boy that Momma had another boy over! And the cats are appreciating their long awaited peace - by complaining about Momma and disturbing the peace as only cats do.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: So, anyway ... You would not believe the indignity of what Momma did to me last week! So there I was enjoying the peace and quiet with a good nap while Momma went grocery shopping and you picked your nose.
EM: I don't pick my nose! Well, not in front of people or cats. How did you know?
BC: GROSS! I didn't actually think you did! I was just trying to be funny.
EM: What's funny about picking your nose?

BC: Never mind. Anyway. All of a sudden, I hear shrieking and see Momma jumping up and down all excited about something. 
EM: {GASP} Momma saw me picking my nose?!?
BC: NO! I was going back to my story about my nap. As far as I could tell, the house wasn't on fire.
EM: It's like a Momma thing to squeal because we're cute. I don't know why she thinks YOU'RE cute ... 
BC: Oh, shut up! I know this insanity of acting like a five year old because I'm so adorable ... and knew the camera couldn't be far behind. 
EM: Someone was taking a picture of Momma's behind?
BC: Don't be ridiculous! To fit Momma's behind all in one shot, we'd have to take a picture from the moon.
EM: That's not very nice. But if the pants fit ...
BC: Then ... THEN!!!! Momma cut my ear off in the picture. Thank goodness she doesn't have any weapons ... her aim SUCKS! I at least had the presence of mind to stick my tongue out at her in the pictures! 

EM: That's not very nice.
BC: Or wait ... maybe my tongue was already sticking out and that's what she was making the big deal about ... I shouldn't speculate because I don't understand that woman at all! You know my Momma ... that woman makes a big deal out of nothing. 
EM: She's MY Momma too!
BC: Only on days that end with "x."
EM: "X?" Is that like at the end of the day when she takes her pants off to go to bed?
BC: STOP interrupting! NO! She's your Momma on days whose name ends in "x."
EM: Well, that seems fair.
BC: Thursday doesn't end in "x" so she's not your Momma today.
EM: Awww. What's tomorrow?
BC: Friday.
EM: Does that end in "x?"
BC: No.
EM: Awww ... I really need a lap! And some ear rubs. And some adoring squeals about how adorable and beautiful I am. I guess there's always Daddy ...
{Pause}
EM: How soon is a day whose name ends in "x?"

BC: I thought I told you to stop interrupting! I'm not going to tell you the rest of the story if you keep interrupting.
EM: Okay. I don't really want to listen anyway. It's time for my 4:43 snack and 4:46 nap.
BC: It's 4:34!
EM: I know. I don't like to be late. It throws my whole schedule off.
BC: Sit down and listen to the rest of the story!
EM: But you said ...
BC: I KNOW WHAT I SAID. Now sit down and shut up!

EM: Well, that's not very ... {seeing Bear's grumpy face} ... Go on.
BC: So Momma took a ton of pictures - but when she checked out her shoddy photography skills, she came back and disturbed me A SECOND TIME, begging me to stick my tongue out again like I'm some dolt of a dog.  I swear. That woman would miss the broad side of a barn with a camera. Wait. She would miss YOUR butt too! Hahaha.
EM: Like you have any room to talk about aim. You barf on my scratchers!
BC: Exactly.
EM: You hit them ON PURPOSE?
BC: We really should find someone to take Momma! I mean, she's housebroken [mostly] and chews slippers ... But I'd give her - for free - to a good ... err ... any home! Oh, and take Momma and you get a bonus black cat with low mileage and a double-bonus boy! No refunds.

EM: What black cat are you talking about?
BC: You wouldn't know her.
EM: The boy in your offer ... that's not Daddy is it? Because I like Daddy.
BC: Don't worry. I'd never separate you two.
EM: Yay. And they say you're not nice!
BC: THEY? They WHO?
EM: Like everyone! Can you believe what happened last night? Since the water was running in the bathtub and there was no way to turn it off or adjust the temperature, Momma used the kitchen sink to clean. Water was flying EVERYWHERE!
BC: Good thing I stayed away!
EM: I know, she was dumping water on herself! What's wrong with her? Talk about undignified.
MK: {walking into the room} You two have been in here chatting for hours!
{Silence}
BC: We're comparing notes.
EM: And Bear's complaining ...

MK: At least you're getting along.
BC: If Smellie would shut up ...
EM: If you weren't a jerk ...
MK: I'll just leave you to it ...
BC: FINALLY!
EM: Did you see what happened yesterday? I kept jumping up on Momma's desk for her to pet me and she kept setting me on the floor! Why do humans play hard to get? She was screeching about work but why would she want to work when I'm around?

BC: I guess I have you to thank for deleting Momma's post.
EM: I didn't actually delete it! There's an undo button in Blogger so Momma could get it back. You'd think a keyboard would have a big red key that says, "DANGER! Delete!" How was I supposed to know? I just stood on her keyboard so she couldn't ignore me!

BC: You should step on her "delete" button more often.
EM: But then she'll have even less time to love on me!
The Boy: I'm home!
EM: Huh. He wasn't kidding. He IS gone all day! I had a busy day of cuddling with my Momma ...
BC: {AHEM}.
EM: Err ... Bear's Momma. But I made sure to check a few times that you weren't here! You ARE gone during the day!
The Boy: Thank you for noticing!
EM: Guess what! I found another box. I'm an artiste! There's a box under the sink in the bathroom and I taught it a lesson like my other box! It isn't nearly as fun as chewing the other box though. 

BC: That's because you just ripped the tape off and didn't do anything to the box.
EM: YEAH, I did! Err ... wait ... that explains why it wasn't nearly as satisfying ...
BC: Smellie picks her nose!
EM: SHHHHHHHH! I wasn't done telling Daddy about my day!
BC: She picked her nose.
EM: You don't want me to spill your secrets, do you?
BC: Momma had another boy here!

The Boy: What?
EM: BEAR!
BC: Oh, shut it. You just liked him because he threw your sparkle balls for you to chase. Like a dog!
MK: I seem to remember a certain boy-cat playing fetch awhile ago.
EM: REALLY? Who?
The Boy: What's been going on around here today?
BC: Is it my imagination or is she getting stupider?

EM: Is it my imagination or are you getting jerkier?
BC: That's not even a word!
EM: MORE JERKY equals jerkier!
The Boy: What's been going on around here today?
EM: Well, if you didn't abandon us all day ...
The Boy: I HAVE A JOB! What boy?!?
BC: He and Momma took a shower together.
The Boy: Excuse me?
MK: That's not what happened! He's talking about the plumber who fixed the bathtub faucet so it doesn't run constantly.
BC: Throw some water around ... VOILA! A shower!
EM: So undignified!
The Boy: I kind of thought it seemed quiet around here!
EM: Like Bear's EVER quiet!
BC: Because you have room to talk, Smellie!
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: You shut up!
The Boy: I spoke too soon.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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Tuesday, April 23, 2019

The secret in Momma's closet

The water is still running from the broken bathtub faucet because the landlord wants it fixed her way ... and nerves are frayed.  If you missed the start of the water calamity, you may read about it in Crazy 'R Us! We expect the resolution to the debacle will be posted Friday. Do the cats ever stop fighting? How about the humans? And will Momma and The Boy ever get a shower again? Plus, what is the secret in Momma's closet?!? Are you sure you want to know?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

The Boy: {walking in the front door} I'm home!
EM: You're just a jerk!
The Boy: WHAT?!? That's got to be some kind of record. I just walk in and people are mad. What'd I do this time?
BC: Well, I don't like you either you jumbo-sized kiss up!
EM: And you're a jumbo-sized jerk face!
BC: I'd rather be a jerk face than have your face!
EM: I've had it! I tried to be nice! But that was the last straw! Especially because you barfed on my scratcher again!
BC: I regret that I have but one hairball to barf on your scratcher. Well, at least for today.
The Boy: {looking around} Ah. Not about me. Where's Kat?
BC: You tried to be nice? You know what would be nice? If you BUZZED OFF!
EM: I'll buzz your ...
BC: I'm Momma's handsome stripe-y pants!
EM: Your stripe-y pants make your butt look big!
BC: You're just jealous!
EM: I'm Momma's precious princess!
BC: Don't you dare! This house already has a princess! Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest to be exact.

EM: But Momma never calls you that, does she?
{Silence}
The Boy: WHERE'S YOUR MOMMA?
EM: Where's YOUR Momma?
The Boy: NO! Where's Kat?
EM: Umm ... duh! We're right here!
The Boy: The MOMMA Kat!
EM: Is that some kind of joke because we're kind of busy!
The Boy: I just got home from work and I'm wondering where your Momma is.
EM: You were gone?!?! 
The Boy: I go to work every weekday at the same time and come home at the same time!
BC: Is "work" a euphemism for something?
EM: Don't you femism my Daddy! Femism yourself!
BC: EU-PHE-MISM.
EM: I'm a femism? I'M. A. FEMISM?!? YOU'RE A FEMISM!
The Boy: NO! It's not a femism ... oh, for pete's sake ... it's not a euphemism! I have a job!
EM: I thought being a not-the-momma was your job!
The Boy: Where do you think I am all day?
BC: Tending to the tasty whole chickens?
EM: Don't be ridiculous. Momma wouldn't trust him with her chickens. She doesn't even trust him to take care of us.

BC: So Momma DOES have chickens?!
The Boy: I ...
EM: "I?" You're a chicken? 
BC: Talk about an ugly bird.
EM: Cluck for us! Please!
BC: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
EM: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
The Boy: Okay. That's enough. You two are both in a mood. I hate when you get like this.
BC: At least we only have moods vs. your personality. Moods can change.
The Boy: Now, where is your Momma?
BC: If you want to know, you have to cluck.
The Boy: {sigh} I'm sure she'll show up eventually. Have you two been fighting like this all day?
EM: Well, I found a potato chip under the couch when my sparkle ball got stuck ... and I played a lot of sparkle ball.
BC: You're going to regret this.

The Boy: I already do.
EM: I started playing with my green sparkle ball because it brings out the green of my eyes. But it got up in my face so I played with the red one because it's my biggest sparkle ball. That's when I found the potato chip ... and some kind of crunchy circle ...
The Boy: Cheer-i ...
EM: Whatever. 
BC: She'll eat anything! And she says MY butt is big!
EM: Anyway! The red sparkle ball fled under the couch and I couldn't reach it! I howled out in agony and the injustice of the situation. So Momma got it out for me, but I was too mad to play with the red sparkle ball again so I played with the blue one because that one listens to me.

BC: No one else does ...
EM: But then it copped an attitude so I got it stuck really far under the couch to cool off. 
The Boy: Okay.
BC: This is the best part ...
EM: But then I felt bad leaving him there with my yellow sparkle ball that was still in time out under the couch ...
The Boy: Sounds like an exciting day. Where's your Momma?
BC: MY Momma is around here somewhere.
EM: Phht. MY Momma!
BC: My Momma loves me best!
EM: Yeah, right. Momma loves ME best!
BC: You're annoying.
EM: You're a jerk!
The Boy: Huh. I think I know where she is.
BC: Tell her it's time to feed us.

EM: Well, technically, it's always time to feed us.
BC: As annoying as that comment is, it's also true.
The Boy: {opening the closet} Kat?
MK: {taking her ear plugs out} SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: What's going on?
MK: The bathtub faucet was on the entire day since the thingee broke and I don't know if it was the noise or the novelty of the situation but neither cat settled down for more than a few minutes today. I had Bear following me around like I'd lead him to tasty whole chickens and I had Ellie all up in my business when I tried to work. I got absolutely nothing done. And then the fighting started ...
BC: {from the other room} UP YOURS!
EM: {from the other room} It's not MY fault something crawled up your butt and died!
BC: That's it!
EM: Bring it!
The Boy: {looking around} Is there room for me?
MK: Want ear plugs?
The Boy: You're always prepared. You don't think the cats will decimate the house, do you?
MK: {holding out a can of soda and a candy bar} Soda? A snack?
The Boy: You brought these in when you knew you were going to be here for a while?
MK: Phht. No. I keep a supply in the closet for these situations.
The Boy: You think of everything.
MK: I've had Bear for twelve years. You get good at it. At least now, Ellie distracts him. It was tricky back when I had to disappear with just him.
The Boy: Whoa! You ARE stocked! We could survive in here for days!
MK: SHHHHHHHH!

BC: Where's Momma? And The Boy?
EM: I'm hungry!
BC: You're always hungry!
EM: And you're always stupid!
BC: Say that again TO MY FACE!
EM: AND. YOU. ARE. ALWAYS. STUPID!!!!!
BC: Those are some balls.
EM: Thank you! 
BC: No, see, I wasn't referring to your sparkle ba ... oh, NEVER MIND! Momma and The Boy have to be here somewhere!
EM: Maybe they're tending to their tasty whole chickens.
BC: {GASP} They ARE! I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! No one treats Bear Cat Kat like this!
EM: I thought you wanted to be called Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest?

BC: NOT NOW! We have bigger chickens to fry!
{Whispering between the cats}
EM: MOMMA! I'm standing on your keyboard! Uh oh! The screen just flashed to blue!

BC: I'm on the kitchen counter and I'm about to knock off The Boy's glass! And his lunch bag! OH! And here's his cell phone! 

The Boy: Bu ...
MK: {whispering} Be strong!
BC: I think the police would like to know we've been abandoned here all alone! And at meal time too! I'm calling 911.
EM: But you don't know the number!
BC: What?!?
EM: To 911!
BC: NINE-ONE-ONE!
EM: Oh!
{Pause}
EM: But remember, last time you called they told you never to call back or they'll fine Momma two hundred dollars and issue a nuisance ordinance ticket! She'll be really mad!
BC: It was your idea.

EM: NO! It wasn't!
BC: HEY! Last time, our food bowl was EMPTY! If that's not an emergency, I don't know what is!
EM: Phht. Children. What about when I need laps? Now THAT'S an emergency!
BC: SMELLIE! Did you just poop? IN. THE. LITTER. BOX?
EM: Unless you dumped toxic waste around here ...
BC: That's the wrong side of the litter box for a stinky poop!
EM: I can poop anywhere I want! In fact, I have a bit left! I'll just leave it in The Boy's shoe! HA!
The Boy: NO!
BC: AHA! They're in the closet!
EM: WHAT?! Behind the WALL?
BC: That's a door.
EM: To outside?
BC: So stupid ... it hurts! MAKE. IT. STOP.
EM: I'll give you something that hurts!
BC: MOMMA! We're HUNGRY!

MK: {to The Boy} This is YOUR fault!
The Boy: Well, how was I supposed to know they were just trying to get a reaction out of us?
MK: Umm ... maybe because your cell phone is in your pocket. 
The Boy: Oh.
MK: Light-weight.
BC: He's as non-light-weight as they come!
MK: Hahaha.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: What are you laughing at, doughnut butt?
The Boy: If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!
MK: Will you just shut up?
BC: {sarcastically} Have you two been fighting like this all day?
EM: Are you paying attention? DADDY WAS AT WORK! They couldn't have been fighting all day!
BC: IT'S CALLED SARCASM!
{Pause as the sound of an outbound call comes from the head-set} 
BC: Yes? I'd like to report an escaped mental patient!
{Pause as the call receiver talks}
BC: NO! I don't know any Bear Cat! But if I did, I bet he's a handsome devil!
{Pause as the call receiver talks}
MK: BEAR! Hang up or I'm going to kill you!!!
BC: Did you hear that?!? She's going to kill me! I miscounted. There are actually THREE deranged, escaped mental patients! HELP! HELP! I'm not going to live much longer! I feel the life springing from my chest!
{Click of hanging up}
BC: HELLO? HELLO? HOW RUDE! And I pay taxes just like every other chump in this ...

{Pause}
BC: Wait. I don't pay taxes. 

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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Friday, April 19, 2019

Crazy 'R Us!

There's a household emergency ... and surprisingly, the emergency is not the broken bathtub faucet that can't be turned off - though that's an emergency of an entirely different nature. Momma's losing her sanity! Where do you think she lost it? And can you guess the cause?! You can be sure the cats don't mind hastening Momma's breakdown! ! Please note: No cats were hurt, scared or got wet to inspire this post; that part is entirely fiction.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat

BC: Momma's in the shower!
EM: Weird. It seems so barbaric to stand under a whoosh of water.
BC: She chose you. And The Boy. So her taste is somewhat questionable. I mean, if I were human, I'd only eat Cheez-its and brownies - but she loves ... PHHT ... VEGETABLES. 
{Pause}
BC: And she gives us a hard time for licking our butts - like that indicates some shortcoming in taste!
EM: She doesn't give me a hard time about licking my ...
BC: Yeah. I guess she just expects it of you.
EM: Now wait a minute ... she gives you a hard time about licking MY butt.
BC: So what game should we play?
EM: Play? {Looking around} With ME?
BC: DUH. Who else do I play with?
EM: I didn't know you played with me.
BC: Dodge sparkle ball? Wrestling? Tag?
EM: Pole dancing?
BC: You and your scratchers.
EM: Daddy says it's not pole dancing to use a scratching post. And he should know ...

BC: Know what? He doesn't even know which end is his butt!
EM: About what qualifies as pole dancing!
BC: And he also said it's not your fault ...
EM: And something about blessing my heart. Does that mean I'm sick? Or am I going to die? Why else would he bless my heart?
BC: Hmm ... Want to play chicken with the blinds? Hide the mousie?
EM: I'm not falling for that one again! Besides, the mousie won't fit up there.
BC: I'd love to try again ...
EM: Dream on.
BC: We better be quick. Momma will be out of the shower soon!
EM: I just want to play with my sparkle balls. I like my sparkle balls. And they are fun to play with - at least until they get stuck under the furniture. But you can't play with my sparkle balls. As Momma said, you couldn't hang on to your own balls, so you shouldn't be trusted with anyone else's.

BC: It's not like I misplaced them! I'd be a totally different boy if I had my balls.
EM: And yet ... you'd still be a jerk.
BC: You be the look out this time!
EM: Look out? Like the window?
BC: NO! Watch for Momma coming!
EM: Why?
BC: SO WE CAN MISBEHAVE!
MK: Oh?
BC: RATS! SMELLIE! You should've told me she was coming up behind me. You're fired!
EM: Awww. And I was just starting to love our relationship. It wasn't my fault! I didn't want to interrupt you! That'd be rude.
BC: Why's the water still on? Did you forget to turn it off? Because you seem to be forgetting a lot lately. Like the other night when you put the clothes in the dryer and then forgot to turn it on? Or last night when you put the pot on the stove and you forgot to turn on the burner?

MK: I guess you should be happy I haven't forgotten to feed you.
EM: {GASP} That's not even funny to joke about!
BC: See? You already forgot the water's on!
MK: The faucet broke. I can't turn it off.
BC: Usually you have no problem turning things off.
MK: Don't worry. I won't forget you said that.
BC: Daddy says ... err ... I mean SMELLIE'S Daddy says that women never forget anything a guy says.
EM: I'm not going to get wet, am I? Because I really hate getting wet.
MK: No. The water should stay in the tub.
EM: I'm not going anywhere near that tub!
BC: Don't you want to see?
EM: Last time you asked me that about watching the toilet flush, you pushed me in!
BC: RATS! I'm running out of tricks.

EM: Maybe I'm just getting smarter-er so I don't fall for them!
{Silence}
{Bear chuckles}
EM: Oh, SHUT YOUR TRAP!
BC: There might be tuna in there.
EM: TUNAS? Really?!?
MK: {sigh} Bear!
BC: What? Smellie could use a bath. 
EM: I hate baths! But one with tunas ... 
BC: SEE?!
MK: But there aren't any tunas!
EM: Oh, fine. I see how it is. You keep the tasty whole chickens away from Bear and you deprive me of your stock of tasty tuna!
BC: It's not really a STOCK ...
EM: YOU'VE MET THE TUNAS?

BC: Well, I don't like to brag ... but Mary, Carrie and I go WAY back.
EM: THAT'S IT! Momma's hiding the tunas in water because she knows I won't go near water ... I'm going to be brave and march into the bathroom and seize my tunas!
BC: Nope. Still got it.
EM: Still got what? Tunas?
BC: Make sure you get on the very edge of the tub!
MK: BEAR!
EM: HMPH! Don't get mad at Bear for telling me about the tunas! He's a GOOD brother!
MK: Oh, brother.
EM: EXACTLY!
MK: The longer you're here, the more Bear rubs off on you!
EM: We're cats! That's what we do! Rub our scent off on stuff!
MK: No. I wasn't referring to scenting ... oh, never mind. You might just want to think about what Bear says.
EM: DUH! I'm going to go get my tunas!
MK: Ellie, how many times does Bear tell you the truth?
EM: Well, he said I make a good idiot the other day ...

{Bear chuckles}
EM: But that's not true!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: Yeah. You make a BAD idiot. Hahahahaha.
MK: BEAR!
EM: Thank you, Bear! That's the nicest ...
{Bear chuckles}
EM: Wait a minute ...
BC: You better run and grab those tunas before they're all gone!
EM: OH! RIGHT! Good idea! I better get on that!
{Momma sighs}
EM: You're so unfair to Bear! He's a good brother!
MK: Uh huh. Where have I heard THAT before?
EM: I'm going in! Past this curtain ... {climbing on the edge of the bathtub} this is kind of slippery!
{Pause}
EM: Well, wait a minute ... all I see is white! I'm dead! Death by tuna! I see the light! I see the light! I knew water was going to be the end of me!

BC: That's the second shower curtain, you idiot! You have to look around it!
EM: So I'm not dead?
BC: Not yet. Hehehehehe.
EM: Oh! Now I see the water! But there aren't any tunas!

BC: Look closer!
EM: Wait a minute ... that's what you said last time when you pushed me ...
{Pause as Bear whaps Ellie on her butt}
BC: {running off the rim of the tub} BYE!
EM: Uh oh! I can't quite hold on .. oop ... {splash}.

{Pause}
EM: I'M WET! I'M WET! BEAR PUSHED ME IN THE WATER!
BC: Again.
EM: HELP! HELP! I need the lifeguard! Call 911! I can't swim! I can't ... 
MK: Put your feet down!
EM: Oh, wait. There's not enough water to sink into.
BC: It's just too easy ...
EM: {looking like a mad wet hen} BEAR! I've had enough of your games!
BC: What are you talking about?
EM: You pushed me in the water!
BC: NO! I was trying to show you where the tuna are!
EM: There WAS tuna in there?
BC: Of course! Have I ever lied to you?

{Momma coughs}
EM: OH! I'll go back and look again!
MK: THAT'S IT! NO CAT IS GOING NEAR THE WATER! NO CAT IS GOING IN THE WATER! NO CAT IS PUSHING OR BEING PUSHED! NO CATS IN THE BATHROOM! 
EM: But ... what if you're sitting in the bathroom and I need pets? You know I like to rub up against you and jump on your lap while I have a captive audience!
MK: You are both grounded from the bathroom!
EM: COOL! I'm finally grounded! I have street cred! Ha! I'm a bad-@$$ just like my brother! That's right ... who wants to be right when you can be so wrong!
{Pause as Ellie thinks}
EM: But what about the tunas?
MK: THERE AREN'T ANY TUNAS!
EM: But ... you mean there aren't any tunas like there aren't tasty whole chickens behind closed doors? I get your drift. Wink. Wink.
MK: NO! THERE REALLY AREN'T ANY TUNAS!
EM: You say that to Bear too!
BC: No. She lied and said there weren't any tasty whole chickens behind the closed door. She didn't say anything about stupid tuna.
EM: Tunas aren't stupid! Tasty whole chickens are stupid! Brothers are stupid! Mommas depriving SWEET LITTLE KITTY CATS of tunas is stupid!
MK: ARG! BECAUSE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE! THERE AREN'T ANY TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS AND THERE AREN'T ANY TUNA! NO ONE'S BEING DEPRIVED OF ANYTHING ... EXCEPT ME! I'm being robbed of my sanity! I need a drink! Or ten! I need a massage. I need some peace and quiet! I ... I ...
EM: Sheesh. What's HER problem?
BC: She's a woman. Like I have any idea. You see The Boy trying to figure her out all the time.
EM: It's useless.
BC: Well, he's a bit ... special as it is.
EM: I'm special!
BC: Yes. Yes, you are.
EM: Wait a ...

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Death by taxes and other stories

This episode occurred the week before last. Momma used her break from blogging to complete her taxes. Bear had just started his new medication - which now seems to be working in terms of what he eats and how he's not vomiting nearly as much as he did before - at least for now. Momma's quickly learned that with pancreatitis there's a big difference between winning a battle and winning the war. Sometimes life involves two spatting cats ... taxes ... and lots of barfing.

PLEASE HELP! We need a favor! As many of you know, Momma's been unhappy with our current format. As is, even Momma wouldn't read our own posts because they are so long. Momma's operated on the assumption that people would prefer the entire story in one place than to have parts scattered throughout the week. Please let us know what you think. Would you be just as likely to read our posts if they were spread over three days instead of all in one? Which format do you prefer? Do you have any other ideas about how to structure our posts? Better organization? More headings? Too many "private" jokes and references that require being a regular reader of our blog to get? Let us know in the comments!

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: I HATE taxes. But I'm ALMOST done ... just need to print out and finish this worksheet ...
BC: {jumping on the table} HI!

MK: Bear ...
BC: Don't worry. I've got this Momma. No one shoots paper at my Momma!
{Pause}
BC: Are you talking to me? ARE. YOU. TALKING. TO. ME?
MK: Ummm ...
BC: I'm not talking to you, Momma!
MK: Then who are you ...
BC: I've had enough of your sass. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? You shoot that paper at me one more time ...
MK: WHAT?! Shooting paper?
BC: THE PRINTER! Well, fidget you too, stupid printer! I'll funk you up, punk! I'll skunk your junk until your spunk is shrunk. 
MK: But ...
BC: Try to throw a piece my way, why don't you? You can't be tougher than Bear Cat Kat! I'm not scared of anything! I'm the quack daddy! Come on! MAKE. MY. DAY! I'm going to shove that paper so far up ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Come back with that! I wasn't done with you!
MK: Bear, it pulls the paper back in to print on the other side.
BC: That's what I thought! It got up on the wrong side of the printer.
MK: No, see it prints two-sided ...
BC: Come back here and let me teach you a lesson!

{Pause}
BC: I see you mocking me, stupid printer! We'll finish this right now!
{The printer makes a noise that startles Bear}
BC: AHHH! It's trying to kill me! It's trying to kill me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!
MK: Bear! It's just a paper!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. It's not JUST a paper ... famous last words! JUST a paper until a cat ends up in a chalk outline!
{Pause as the printer feeds another sheet of paper to print on}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {Jumping down from the table} It's after me! It's after me! HELP! Hold my calls! You haven't seen me! I don't live here! I gotta get out of here!

MK: Mr. Tough Pants strikes again!
EM: Sheesh. When Momma said she was doing her taxes she said that it frustrates her to no end ... but they are downright dangerous! 
BC: {from under the bed} Death by taxes!
MK: One more copy.
EM: I'll take care of this! NO ONE HURTS MY BROTHER!
BC: {from under the bed} NO! Smellie! Don't go near that evil contraption! It will throw paper at you!
{Pause}
BC: HUH? What am I saying? STICK YOUR HEAD IN THERE!
{Pause}
BC: {coming out from under the bed} I gotta see this!
EM: I'm not stupid! I saw what happened when you stuck your head in the printer.
BC: I did that to teach you a lesson.
EM: How to be a moron? Adventures in ...
{Paper feeds into the printer}
BC: {running back under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: Whew! That's done. That goes on the stack ... Now to finish the ...
EM: OH! Paper on the floor! Paper on the floor! I have to lay on it!
MK: NOT MY TAXES!
{Pause}
MK: Bear! I turned the printer off - it's safe to come out.
BC: Phht. Like I'm scared of a piece of paper. The Boy, the printer ... you're really good at turning things off.
EM: Umm ... this is comfy. Surely the tax people wouldn't mind a few samples of my wonderful fur, right? They might even give you an extra credit!
MK: Ellie! OFF MY TAXES!
EM: Awww.
BC: Yeah. Right. I bet every year, they get tons of fur from every Tom, Dick and Harry Cat. 
EM: WHO? Why would Tom, Dick, and Harry send all their fur to the tax people? 

BC: Fur with one's taxes ... SO passe and pedestrian. And fur doesn't pay the bills!
MK: I seem to remember some cat furring up my homework, our business cards, greeting cards ...
BC: Phht. That's different. That's MY fur!
EM: I bet Tom, Dick and Harry Cat wouldn't appreciate you calling them passe and pedestrian. Hmmm ...
{Pause}
EM: Well, my fur might be worth something ... thick bushy tail ... shiny coat ... it only seems fair to share my wealth ...
MK: Come on, Ellie! MOVE!
BC: And your taxes could maybe use a fang mark or two ... you know, for authenticity.
MK: Don't you dare! I need to finish my return!
BC: RETURN? You're taking Smellie back? Or The Boy? Or BOTH? MY. PRAYERS. HAVE. BEEN. ANSWERED!
EM: HEY! I'm sick and tired of you making fun of me!
BC: You make a good idiot.
EM: Thanks!
MK: BEAR!
EM: Wait a minute ...
BC: Gee. Thanks, Momma! If you hadn't said my name she wouldn't have realized ...
EM: I'm not stupid! I'm really smart! I can over-smart you anytime!

BC: Please. You couldn't over-smart me even if you had a brain and a dictionary.
EM: I could over-smart you with my paws tied behind my back and blind-folded.
BC: Don't tempt me. That actually sounds perfect. Well, as long as your mouth is taped shut.
MK: Can you two take this away from my taxes?
BC: Oh, really? YOU can over-smart me? How many times have you run around like a crazy-pants thinking I was chasing you?
EM: Well, you said you'd play with me ...
BC: EXACTLY! You should know better.
EM: Aww. I just want to be your friend!
BC: Okay.
EM: REALLY?!?!
BC: Moron!
EM: That's not a nice thing to call a friend! No wonder you don't have any friends!
BC: Hehehehehehehehehehehe.
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... I have PLENTY of friends. They're just intimidated by my handsome perfection.
EM: Why do I get the idea that I'm the butt of some joke?
BC: You're certainly the butt of ...
MK: BEAR!
EM: You want a piece of me? GO FOR IT! But I'll hand you your fat striped butt on a platter!
BC: HA! You don't have a HAND to hand me anything! And we don't have a platter. HA!
MK: Can you two take this away from my taxes? I'm ALMOST done and I just want to be done with it!
EM: Not only is Bear mean to me, but everything I love gets destroyed thanks to Bear! My old scratcher, my new scratcher ... my box! He ruins everything!

BC: Phht. I can't help it. I'm a force of nature!
EM: A force of nature that's scared of everything!
BC: Besides, I'm sick, remember? I can't help barfing.
EM: And you can't barf on say ... your shark bed or the cat cube?
BC: But then I couldn't use them!
EM: EXACTLY!
BC: I think you should rethink the demise of the old scratcher and your box.
EM: You BARFED on them!
BC: No. I BARFED on the old scratcher and on the new scratcher. I FARTED in your box.
EM: Either way, it's gross!
BC: But the way I remember it, the actual destruction wasn't me.


EM: MOMMA! Bear's confusing me!
BC: Big surprise. HUGE!
{Pause}
BC: Besides, I'm a boy. We do boy stuff and we change for no woman!
EM: Boys are gross.

The Boy: HUH?
EM: Not you, Daddy.
BC: ESPECIALLY him.
{Ellie vomits}
BC: NOT BAD! NOT BAD, SISTER! A little practice aiming, some dramatics - and you'll be on par with me!
EM: I didn't mean to do that! My belly is furry.
BC: Furry? You ate that kibble from behind the couch, didn't you?
EM: Err ... but that's not what I'm talking about. My fur coat is so gloriously bushy and full that I get a stomach full of fur when I groom myself.
MK: Oh, Ellie! Are you okay? I don't remember seeing you vomit before.
BC: Her stomach is "furry."
MK: Ellie Mae Kat, did you eat that moldy kibble from behind the couch?
EM: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT? Like I go around eating stuff off the floor ...
BC: And ...
EM: Hmmm ...
{Pause}
EM: Yeah. I am kind of a kitty garbage disposal. So what?

{Pause}
EM: It's so unfair! Bear gets all this special attention and is forgiven for just about everything because he's sick. He gets all the good food and you don't make him share!
BC: Phht. Like I'm a Share Bear. More accurately ... my name is Bear and I'm a barf-aholic.
EM: Last night, Momma made three plates of food for you! She wouldn't do that for me. And you ate none of them!
BC: Phht. And who got them when I turned my nose up at them?
EM: BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME! I just got your left-overs!
BC: The left-overs taste the same.
EM: But why would I want something you won't eat?
BC: And yet, you did.
EM: I want to be sick too so I get all the special treatment! "Bear! PLEASE eat? PLEASE?" "Bear, I'll give you whatever food you want!" "Bear come cuddle with your Momma!" "Ellie! Leave Bear alone!"
BC: And go to the vet? Because Momma took me. And LEFT ME THERE for over an hour.
EM: Well, that doesn't sound so fun - but I like to flirt with people and have them admire my tail. With that string of yours, you wouldn't understand.
BC: STRING?! STRING?!?!? My STRING?!? Let me tell you, sister ... it's not the size of the tail ...
EM: But how you use it. Right? As repeated by every cat with a thin or short tail.
BC: Of all the ...
{Pause}
BC: I ... ! YOU! ... ERR ...!
EM: Cat got your tongue?
BC: That's it. Your box is toast. I'm barfing in it with an exuberance to end all barfing until the end of time.
EM: Then I might need to use my recently acquired skills to barf where you like to sleep.
BC: With Momma?
EM: Err ... good point.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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