Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Who knew?

Who knew the litter bag and the kibble bag sound similar!?! The cats ensure Momma's sorry to find out. And an uninvited visitor shows up ... who knew Momma hated mosquitoes so much?  

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 

BC: FOOD!!!!
EM: Huh?
{Pause as Ellie listens to the rustling bag}
EM: FOOD!!!
BC: FOOD FOOD FOOD! Food glorious food! Feed my mouth!
EM: OH! It's food time! It's food time! I hear the bag!
BC: Hey. I heard it first, that means I have dibs ...
MK: It's not a bag of kibble!
BC: Well, butt-monkey, if you don't want to give us any, you can at least say that and not lie!
EM: YEAH!
MK: NO! It's REALLY litter!
BC: Hand over the fresh kibble and no one will be hurt.
MK: It's really NOT kibble!
BC: I really DON'T CARE! GIMME!
MK: Oh, for the love ...
BC: I'm not talking to you. Feel the burn.
EM: Awww! Why this time?

BC: I'm not talking to Momma, you ninny!
EM: So you are talking to me?
BC:  Hmm ... then again ...
EM: Too late! Too late! You already admitted you're talking to me. HA!
BC: Meet the back of disrespect.
EM: The back of disrespect! Cold! Momma, you're in big trouble!

BC: I'm not talking to Momma until she feeds us from the kibble bag she so unceremoniously rustled.
MK: Promise? Because I could really use some peace and ...
BC: WHAT?!?! I've never been so insulted ...
EM: Well, technically ... you have been so insulted. Like when ...
BC: Perhaps Momma will reconsider her miserly ways ...
MK: Your food bowls are full!
BC: Well, I don't know about FULL ... toe-may-toe to-mah-to.
EM: {BURP!}
BC: And Smellie just ate half a bowl! Like I want to eat the rest covered in Smellie slobber. 
EM: Smelly slobber? Who would slobber in our food bowl? That's rude! Well, unless a cat was claiming the content for them-self. 
BC: AHA!
EM: What? I heard it from a friend!
BC: You don't have any friends.
EM: I DO TOO!
BC: Oh?
EM: {mumbling} Pinkie mousie, my sparkle balls, the catnip banana ...
BC: The catnip banana is mine!

EM: Err ... The Boy, Momma ...
BC: Oh? Momma and The Boy slobber in their bowls of food?
EM: SHUT UP!
{Pause}
EM: Momma, can we have some of that kibble?
MK: IT'S. NOT. KIBBLE. It's litter to add to the litter box.
EM: Huh. It DOES smell like litter! Momma told us the truth.
BC: Yeah, whatever. That's what she wants us to think! Momma's are infamous for being tricky! Remember? Tuna-Gate of 2018?

EM: Tasty-whole-chicken-Gate of 2017, 2018 AND 2019 ...
BC: Deprived of my own tasty whole chickens!
EM: OUR.
BC: Huh?
EM: OUR tasty whole chickens.
BC: Don't be ridiculous! One doesn't SHARE chickens. A tasty whole chicken in every pot! Not HALF a tasty whole chicken in every pot.
MK: Umm ... those chickens don't exist either!
EM: Half of lots of tasty whole chickens ...
BC: Phht. HALF. Try five percent.
MK: IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THE CHICKENS DON'T EXIST! ERGO, NO CHICKENS!
BC: Don't worry. We WILL get our revenge.
MK: For what? No chickens?
BC: You just want us to think there aren't any chickens! Like you want us to believe a kibble bag is really litter.
EM: I don't think she's ly ...
BC: ZIP IT! You know what would make me feel better? Treats.
EM: YEAH!
{Pause for dramatic effect}
BC: {AHEM!} I regret that I have but one life to give for treats.

{Pause for dramatic effect}
BC: Give me treats ... or give me death!
MK: You don't need treats.
BC: You don't need cookies. Or brownies. Or chips. Or pizza.
MK: I see your point.
BC: So you'll give us treats?
MK: No.
BC: Besides, you owe us for the cruel trick of the rustling bag of ... "litter."
EM: That's not going to ...
MK: Ooooooo-kay.
EM: Whoa! Cool! Teach me how to do that!
BC: Phht. THIS ... kind of awesome ... isn't taught in any school.

EM: Is that what they're calling it these days?
BC: Shut up.
{Pause}
BC: Where are those treats, woman!?!?! My stomach has eaten up my patience.
MK: I'm sorry for inadvertently making you think I was opening the kibble bag. Here are your treats.
BC: {thinking to himself} Whatever.
Both cats: Num num nom nom. Num num nom nom. Num num nom nom ...

BC: I'm tired! Nap time.
EM: What about showing Momma we mean business?
BC: Revenge is a bowl best served cold.
EM: Revenge? Can I try that? Is it like geese?
BC: Go away.
EM: But ...
BC: GO. AWAY. OR. I'LL. MUCK. YOU. UP!
EM: You could just ask nicely!
BC: WHAT ABOUT GO AWAY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
EM: Is the going away temporary or permanent?
BC: Temporary, so I can get a nap ... but keep talking and it will be permanent.

EM: Okay. No more talking.
{Pause}
EM: But ... {seeing Bear's face} ... never mind.
{The house is quiet for a good forty-five minutes ... until the cats wake up and get their juices flowing ... }
MK: {working at her desk} Huh. I wonder if I could make that work ...
{Pause}
MK: Well, at the very least ...
BC: Don't look now, but ...
MK: Wha ...
BC: It's right by your ear!
MK: My ear? What?
BC: A HUGE Smellie-sized mosquito!
MK: Oh, HEELLLLLL NO!
BC: It's dive-bombing you!
EM: I'm not going to be part of this.

MK: Where?
BC: Your six o'clock!
MK: Huh?
BC: Your OTHER six o'clock!
MK: That would mean my 12 o'clock.
BC: WHATEVER! Pay attention! My Momma's going to squash you, you blood sucking nuisance.
EM: Huh. Blood sucking nuisance. Kind of describes Bear.
BC: UP!
{Pause}
BC: DOWN!
{Pause}
BC: BEHIND YOU!
{Pause}
BC: FARTHER!
EM: Watch out Momma, you're about to tip back ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: OOP!
{Crash}
MK: Ow.
BC: That was a 7.693 out of ten.
EM: More like an 8.471. Not that I'm participating.

BC: People talk about a tumble from grace ... Momma falls like a brick.
{Pause as Ellie thinks about what an injury to Momma might mean to her}
EM: Momma! Momma! Are you okay? Do you need to see PR? Can you feed us? And pet us and stuff? Is my lap broken? Put me in for a reservation!
BC: CPR!
EM: That's what I said!
BC: Oh, forget it.
MK: Well, besides this wild goose chase your brother has me on ...
BC: Shows what you know! It's not a goose! It's a MOSQUITO!
MK: You didn't really even see one to begin with!
BC: Err ... a goose ... NO.
MK: You know what I meant.
BC: In my defense, it was pretty funny to watch you flailing around after something that's not there.
MK: Bear, that's not funny. You know how I get with mosquitoes!
BC: Itchy and homicidal? Psychotic, possessed, demented, and twitchy?
EM: Is it homicide if the victim is a bug? Isn't it insecticide?
BC: Deep thoughts by Smellie Neigh.
MK: I can't let it go. EVER. Because I always get bitten. And I always itch endlessly.
BC: Once, Momma stalked a mosquito around our house for five hours!
EM: What happened?
BC: As if you have to ...

EM: Did she end up in the hospital?
BC: No. Surprisingly, humans are more durable than they look.
MK: AHA!
{Splat}
BC: How rude! I was in the middle of my soliloquy!
MK: All this time I've been chasing a fake mosquito, and one was already feasting on my blood.
EM: Ummm ... Momma?
MK: Not now, Ellie.
EM: No ... see ...
MK: Bear, that wasn't funny.
BC: Says you.
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: Err ... I hear Smellie calling.
EM: I'm right here, doofus and I'm DEFINITELY not calling you. I'm too busy watching the mosquito on Momma's forehead.
MK: WHAT?!?!?! No no no no no! 
{Momma slaps her forehead repeatedly}
BC: Would it kill you to play along?
EM: Umm ... Momma?

MK: WHAT?!?! 
EM: There's still a mosquito on your face.
MK: And you didn't tell me one was there before? 
BC: In her defense, you told her not to ...
{Seeing Momma's face}
BC: I know, I know. I'm not helping. Bye.
{Pause}
BC: {from down the hall} Now who's adding to the litter box? Hahahahahaha.
EM: No one! Momma already took care of it.
BC: NO! I was referring to the bull-poop about the mosquito.
EM: But there is a mosquito!
BC: Lucky coincidence ...
EM: Wait ... A mosquito is using our litter box? Are they messy?
BC: Only when squashed.
EM: But ...
BC: Forget it. I need a nap.
EM: But ... but ... if there's a mosquito in our litter box, will it eat me?
BC: {mumbling to himself} If only we were so lucky.
MK: I'll going to find you and kill you, you stupid mosquito! I've had just about enough ... and you've gotten enough of my blood! Prepare to ...
{Pause}
MK: OOP!
{Pause as Momma crashes to the floor}
MK: Oww.
BC: Momma, zero. Elusive mosquito, 5,982,662.
{Pause}
BC: Then again, if Momma keeps it up, one of these times she's going to land on Smellie. Can you say CAT CAKE?
MK: I'm going to get that mother-meower if it's the last thing I do!
BC: It very well might be the last thing you do.

MK: HUH? OOP!
{Crash}
MK: Oww.
BC: Mosquito, 5,982,663.
{Pause}
MK: COME BACK HERE, stupid mosquito!
EM: I can't watch.
BC: Eh. I've seen this time after time ... not nearly as entertaining as it used to be. She never learns!
EM: Phht. HUMANS!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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Friday, April 26, 2019

The indignities of the Momma Kat Household

If you missed the last two posts about our plumbing calamity, you may read about them here: Crazy 'R Us! and The secret in Momma's closet. Our bathtub faucet is finally fixed - though that fact is overlooked when Bear tells The Boy that Momma had another boy over! And the cats are appreciating their long awaited peace - by complaining about Momma and disturbing the peace as only cats do.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: So, anyway ... You would not believe the indignity of what Momma did to me last week! So there I was enjoying the peace and quiet with a good nap while Momma went grocery shopping and you picked your nose.
EM: I don't pick my nose! Well, not in front of people or cats. How did you know?
BC: GROSS! I didn't actually think you did! I was just trying to be funny.
EM: What's funny about picking your nose?

BC: Never mind. Anyway. All of a sudden, I hear shrieking and see Momma jumping up and down all excited about something. 
EM: {GASP} Momma saw me picking my nose?!?
BC: NO! I was going back to my story about my nap. As far as I could tell, the house wasn't on fire.
EM: It's like a Momma thing to squeal because we're cute. I don't know why she thinks YOU'RE cute ... 
BC: Oh, shut up! I know this insanity of acting like a five year old because I'm so adorable ... and knew the camera couldn't be far behind. 
EM: Someone was taking a picture of Momma's behind?
BC: Don't be ridiculous! To fit Momma's behind all in one shot, we'd have to take a picture from the moon.
EM: That's not very nice. But if the pants fit ...
BC: Then ... THEN!!!! Momma cut my ear off in the picture. Thank goodness she doesn't have any weapons ... her aim SUCKS! I at least had the presence of mind to stick my tongue out at her in the pictures! 

EM: That's not very nice.
BC: Or wait ... maybe my tongue was already sticking out and that's what she was making the big deal about ... I shouldn't speculate because I don't understand that woman at all! You know my Momma ... that woman makes a big deal out of nothing. 
EM: She's MY Momma too!
BC: Only on days that end with "x."
EM: "X?" Is that like at the end of the day when she takes her pants off to go to bed?
BC: STOP interrupting! NO! She's your Momma on days whose name ends in "x."
EM: Well, that seems fair.
BC: Thursday doesn't end in "x" so she's not your Momma today.
EM: Awww. What's tomorrow?
BC: Friday.
EM: Does that end in "x?"
BC: No.
EM: Awww ... I really need a lap! And some ear rubs. And some adoring squeals about how adorable and beautiful I am. I guess there's always Daddy ...
{Pause}
EM: How soon is a day whose name ends in "x?"

BC: I thought I told you to stop interrupting! I'm not going to tell you the rest of the story if you keep interrupting.
EM: Okay. I don't really want to listen anyway. It's time for my 4:43 snack and 4:46 nap.
BC: It's 4:34!
EM: I know. I don't like to be late. It throws my whole schedule off.
BC: Sit down and listen to the rest of the story!
EM: But you said ...
BC: I KNOW WHAT I SAID. Now sit down and shut up!

EM: Well, that's not very ... {seeing Bear's grumpy face} ... Go on.
BC: So Momma took a ton of pictures - but when she checked out her shoddy photography skills, she came back and disturbed me A SECOND TIME, begging me to stick my tongue out again like I'm some dolt of a dog.  I swear. That woman would miss the broad side of a barn with a camera. Wait. She would miss YOUR butt too! Hahaha.
EM: Like you have any room to talk about aim. You barf on my scratchers!
BC: Exactly.
EM: You hit them ON PURPOSE?
BC: We really should find someone to take Momma! I mean, she's housebroken [mostly] and chews slippers ... But I'd give her - for free - to a good ... err ... any home! Oh, and take Momma and you get a bonus black cat with low mileage and a double-bonus boy! No refunds.

EM: What black cat are you talking about?
BC: You wouldn't know her.
EM: The boy in your offer ... that's not Daddy is it? Because I like Daddy.
BC: Don't worry. I'd never separate you two.
EM: Yay. And they say you're not nice!
BC: THEY? They WHO?
EM: Like everyone! Can you believe what happened last night? Since the water was running in the bathtub and there was no way to turn it off or adjust the temperature, Momma used the kitchen sink to clean. Water was flying EVERYWHERE!
BC: Good thing I stayed away!
EM: I know, she was dumping water on herself! What's wrong with her? Talk about undignified.
MK: {walking into the room} You two have been in here chatting for hours!
{Silence}
BC: We're comparing notes.
EM: And Bear's complaining ...

MK: At least you're getting along.
BC: If Smellie would shut up ...
EM: If you weren't a jerk ...
MK: I'll just leave you to it ...
BC: FINALLY!
EM: Did you see what happened yesterday? I kept jumping up on Momma's desk for her to pet me and she kept setting me on the floor! Why do humans play hard to get? She was screeching about work but why would she want to work when I'm around?

BC: I guess I have you to thank for deleting Momma's post.
EM: I didn't actually delete it! There's an undo button in Blogger so Momma could get it back. You'd think a keyboard would have a big red key that says, "DANGER! Delete!" How was I supposed to know? I just stood on her keyboard so she couldn't ignore me!

BC: You should step on her "delete" button more often.
EM: But then she'll have even less time to love on me!
The Boy: I'm home!
EM: Huh. He wasn't kidding. He IS gone all day! I had a busy day of cuddling with my Momma ...
BC: {AHEM}.
EM: Err ... Bear's Momma. But I made sure to check a few times that you weren't here! You ARE gone during the day!
The Boy: Thank you for noticing!
EM: Guess what! I found another box. I'm an artiste! There's a box under the sink in the bathroom and I taught it a lesson like my other box! It isn't nearly as fun as chewing the other box though. 

BC: That's because you just ripped the tape off and didn't do anything to the box.
EM: YEAH, I did! Err ... wait ... that explains why it wasn't nearly as satisfying ...
BC: Smellie picks her nose!
EM: SHHHHHHHH! I wasn't done telling Daddy about my day!
BC: She picked her nose.
EM: You don't want me to spill your secrets, do you?
BC: Momma had another boy here!

The Boy: What?
EM: BEAR!
BC: Oh, shut it. You just liked him because he threw your sparkle balls for you to chase. Like a dog!
MK: I seem to remember a certain boy-cat playing fetch awhile ago.
EM: REALLY? Who?
The Boy: What's been going on around here today?
BC: Is it my imagination or is she getting stupider?

EM: Is it my imagination or are you getting jerkier?
BC: That's not even a word!
EM: MORE JERKY equals jerkier!
The Boy: What's been going on around here today?
EM: Well, if you didn't abandon us all day ...
The Boy: I HAVE A JOB! What boy?!?
BC: He and Momma took a shower together.
The Boy: Excuse me?
MK: That's not what happened! He's talking about the plumber who fixed the bathtub faucet so it doesn't run constantly.
BC: Throw some water around ... VOILA! A shower!
EM: So undignified!
The Boy: I kind of thought it seemed quiet around here!
EM: Like Bear's EVER quiet!
BC: Because you have room to talk, Smellie!
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: You shut up!
The Boy: I spoke too soon.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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Tuesday, April 23, 2019

The secret in Momma's closet

The water is still running from the broken bathtub faucet because the landlord wants it fixed her way ... and nerves are frayed.  If you missed the start of the water calamity, you may read about it in Crazy 'R Us! We expect the resolution to the debacle will be posted Friday. Do the cats ever stop fighting? How about the humans? And will Momma and The Boy ever get a shower again? Plus, what is the secret in Momma's closet?!? Are you sure you want to know?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

The Boy: {walking in the front door} I'm home!
EM: You're just a jerk!
The Boy: WHAT?!? That's got to be some kind of record. I just walk in and people are mad. What'd I do this time?
BC: Well, I don't like you either you jumbo-sized kiss up!
EM: And you're a jumbo-sized jerk face!
BC: I'd rather be a jerk face than have your face!
EM: I've had it! I tried to be nice! But that was the last straw! Especially because you barfed on my scratcher again!
BC: I regret that I have but one hairball to barf on your scratcher. Well, at least for today.
The Boy: {looking around} Ah. Not about me. Where's Kat?
BC: You tried to be nice? You know what would be nice? If you BUZZED OFF!
EM: I'll buzz your ...
BC: I'm Momma's handsome stripe-y pants!
EM: Your stripe-y pants make your butt look big!
BC: You're just jealous!
EM: I'm Momma's precious princess!
BC: Don't you dare! This house already has a princess! Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest to be exact.

EM: But Momma never calls you that, does she?
{Silence}
The Boy: WHERE'S YOUR MOMMA?
EM: Where's YOUR Momma?
The Boy: NO! Where's Kat?
EM: Umm ... duh! We're right here!
The Boy: The MOMMA Kat!
EM: Is that some kind of joke because we're kind of busy!
The Boy: I just got home from work and I'm wondering where your Momma is.
EM: You were gone?!?! 
The Boy: I go to work every weekday at the same time and come home at the same time!
BC: Is "work" a euphemism for something?
EM: Don't you femism my Daddy! Femism yourself!
BC: EU-PHE-MISM.
EM: I'm a femism? I'M. A. FEMISM?!? YOU'RE A FEMISM!
The Boy: NO! It's not a femism ... oh, for pete's sake ... it's not a euphemism! I have a job!
EM: I thought being a not-the-momma was your job!
The Boy: Where do you think I am all day?
BC: Tending to the tasty whole chickens?
EM: Don't be ridiculous. Momma wouldn't trust him with her chickens. She doesn't even trust him to take care of us.

BC: So Momma DOES have chickens?!
The Boy: I ...
EM: "I?" You're a chicken? 
BC: Talk about an ugly bird.
EM: Cluck for us! Please!
BC: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
EM: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
The Boy: Okay. That's enough. You two are both in a mood. I hate when you get like this.
BC: At least we only have moods vs. your personality. Moods can change.
The Boy: Now, where is your Momma?
BC: If you want to know, you have to cluck.
The Boy: {sigh} I'm sure she'll show up eventually. Have you two been fighting like this all day?
EM: Well, I found a potato chip under the couch when my sparkle ball got stuck ... and I played a lot of sparkle ball.
BC: You're going to regret this.

The Boy: I already do.
EM: I started playing with my green sparkle ball because it brings out the green of my eyes. But it got up in my face so I played with the red one because it's my biggest sparkle ball. That's when I found the potato chip ... and some kind of crunchy circle ...
The Boy: Cheer-i ...
EM: Whatever. 
BC: She'll eat anything! And she says MY butt is big!
EM: Anyway! The red sparkle ball fled under the couch and I couldn't reach it! I howled out in agony and the injustice of the situation. So Momma got it out for me, but I was too mad to play with the red sparkle ball again so I played with the blue one because that one listens to me.

BC: No one else does ...
EM: But then it copped an attitude so I got it stuck really far under the couch to cool off. 
The Boy: Okay.
BC: This is the best part ...
EM: But then I felt bad leaving him there with my yellow sparkle ball that was still in time out under the couch ...
The Boy: Sounds like an exciting day. Where's your Momma?
BC: MY Momma is around here somewhere.
EM: Phht. MY Momma!
BC: My Momma loves me best!
EM: Yeah, right. Momma loves ME best!
BC: You're annoying.
EM: You're a jerk!
The Boy: Huh. I think I know where she is.
BC: Tell her it's time to feed us.

EM: Well, technically, it's always time to feed us.
BC: As annoying as that comment is, it's also true.
The Boy: {opening the closet} Kat?
MK: {taking her ear plugs out} SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: What's going on?
MK: The bathtub faucet was on the entire day since the thingee broke and I don't know if it was the noise or the novelty of the situation but neither cat settled down for more than a few minutes today. I had Bear following me around like I'd lead him to tasty whole chickens and I had Ellie all up in my business when I tried to work. I got absolutely nothing done. And then the fighting started ...
BC: {from the other room} UP YOURS!
EM: {from the other room} It's not MY fault something crawled up your butt and died!
BC: That's it!
EM: Bring it!
The Boy: {looking around} Is there room for me?
MK: Want ear plugs?
The Boy: You're always prepared. You don't think the cats will decimate the house, do you?
MK: {holding out a can of soda and a candy bar} Soda? A snack?
The Boy: You brought these in when you knew you were going to be here for a while?
MK: Phht. No. I keep a supply in the closet for these situations.
The Boy: You think of everything.
MK: I've had Bear for twelve years. You get good at it. At least now, Ellie distracts him. It was tricky back when I had to disappear with just him.
The Boy: Whoa! You ARE stocked! We could survive in here for days!
MK: SHHHHHHHH!

BC: Where's Momma? And The Boy?
EM: I'm hungry!
BC: You're always hungry!
EM: And you're always stupid!
BC: Say that again TO MY FACE!
EM: AND. YOU. ARE. ALWAYS. STUPID!!!!!
BC: Those are some balls.
EM: Thank you! 
BC: No, see, I wasn't referring to your sparkle ba ... oh, NEVER MIND! Momma and The Boy have to be here somewhere!
EM: Maybe they're tending to their tasty whole chickens.
BC: {GASP} They ARE! I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! No one treats Bear Cat Kat like this!
EM: I thought you wanted to be called Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest?

BC: NOT NOW! We have bigger chickens to fry!
{Whispering between the cats}
EM: MOMMA! I'm standing on your keyboard! Uh oh! The screen just flashed to blue!

BC: I'm on the kitchen counter and I'm about to knock off The Boy's glass! And his lunch bag! OH! And here's his cell phone! 

The Boy: Bu ...
MK: {whispering} Be strong!
BC: I think the police would like to know we've been abandoned here all alone! And at meal time too! I'm calling 911.
EM: But you don't know the number!
BC: What?!?
EM: To 911!
BC: NINE-ONE-ONE!
EM: Oh!
{Pause}
EM: But remember, last time you called they told you never to call back or they'll fine Momma two hundred dollars and issue a nuisance ordinance ticket! She'll be really mad!
BC: It was your idea.

EM: NO! It wasn't!
BC: HEY! Last time, our food bowl was EMPTY! If that's not an emergency, I don't know what is!
EM: Phht. Children. What about when I need laps? Now THAT'S an emergency!
BC: SMELLIE! Did you just poop? IN. THE. LITTER. BOX?
EM: Unless you dumped toxic waste around here ...
BC: That's the wrong side of the litter box for a stinky poop!
EM: I can poop anywhere I want! In fact, I have a bit left! I'll just leave it in The Boy's shoe! HA!
The Boy: NO!
BC: AHA! They're in the closet!
EM: WHAT?! Behind the WALL?
BC: That's a door.
EM: To outside?
BC: So stupid ... it hurts! MAKE. IT. STOP.
EM: I'll give you something that hurts!
BC: MOMMA! We're HUNGRY!

MK: {to The Boy} This is YOUR fault!
The Boy: Well, how was I supposed to know they were just trying to get a reaction out of us?
MK: Umm ... maybe because your cell phone is in your pocket. 
The Boy: Oh.
MK: Light-weight.
BC: He's as non-light-weight as they come!
MK: Hahaha.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: What are you laughing at, doughnut butt?
The Boy: If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!
MK: Will you just shut up?
BC: {sarcastically} Have you two been fighting like this all day?
EM: Are you paying attention? DADDY WAS AT WORK! They couldn't have been fighting all day!
BC: IT'S CALLED SARCASM!
{Pause as the sound of an outbound call comes from the head-set} 
BC: Yes? I'd like to report an escaped mental patient!
{Pause as the call receiver talks}
BC: NO! I don't know any Bear Cat! But if I did, I bet he's a handsome devil!
{Pause as the call receiver talks}
MK: BEAR! Hang up or I'm going to kill you!!!
BC: Did you hear that?!? She's going to kill me! I miscounted. There are actually THREE deranged, escaped mental patients! HELP! HELP! I'm not going to live much longer! I feel the life springing from my chest!
{Click of hanging up}
BC: HELLO? HELLO? HOW RUDE! And I pay taxes just like every other chump in this ...

{Pause}
BC: Wait. I don't pay taxes. 

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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