BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
{Ellie is laying on Momma and The Boy is sitting next to Momma on the couch}
EM: I love you, Momma! You know JUST the spot I like to be rubbed! And your lap is so comfy and warm! This is the bestest part of the day. I'm so glad you're finally home from the Cat Writer's Association Conference! I missed you ... and your lap.
MK: I love you too, Ellie.
BC: Phht. At the Conference I won awards. How many did YOU win?
EM: Does Momma's lap count?
BC: Kiss up! But I know you mean it and that's even worse!
EM: And anyway, I didn't see YOUR name on the awards!
BC: We cats always get screwed! Cat WRITER'S Association. Writers that are cats! And yet no cats are named winners! It's discrimination!
EM: If the awards are yours, then the failures are your too! But NOOOO. You get mad at her when "you" don't win!
BC: Phht. The blog should be Bear Cat and his Momma Kat. Just saying.
The Boy: Where does a Daddy Cat come in?
BC: He comes out of ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: You don't even know what I was going to say!
MK: Oh, really?
BC: Err ...
The Boy: Hey, Baby Girl.
EM: HUH?!?! NO! Don't touch me! NO! I'm on Momma's lap! Not YOURS!
The Boy: But you laid on my lap when your Momma was gone!
EM: Yeah. She was gone. I needed a lap. Do the math.
The Boy: I {reaching over to pet Ellie} love you too!
EM: {jumping down} Blech. Yuck. Yuck. YUCK! I have to clean off the contamination! I'm dirty! I'm dirty!
The Boy: You rub against me all the time!
EM: Well, YEAH. I scent you because I own you ... you can't scent me because you don't own me.
The Boy: YOU JUST LET MOMMA PET YOU!
EM: Well, she's my Momma. I own her and she owns me.
The Boy: And what am I? Chopped liver?
BC: Well, Smellie and I don't like chopped liver ... so, yeah.
The Boy: HOW IS IT THAT NO ONE LOVES ME?!
MK: I love you!
The Boy: You don't count!
BC: D@mn. I don't think you can get more of your foot in your mouth.
EM: My Momma counts! She's the bestest and I love her!
BC: Yeah. You make it kind of easy to not like you when you say stuff like that.
The Boy: This is ridiculous!
BC: So are you.
The Boy: I love you and Ellie too!
BC: I think that foot just came out your ...
MK: I'll just leave you with the cats.
BC and EM: NO! Take us with you!
EM: We need you, Momma!
BC: Well, I wouldn't go THAT far ...
EM: You know how we like everything!
BC: That much is true ... though just because she knows doesn't mean she DOES it.
The Boy: Why do I get the butt end of everything around here?
BC: Like you have ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: You didn't know what I was going to say!
MK: You were going to insult The Boy.
BC: That's not fair! I ALWAYS insult him so that's not really a surprise!
EM: I don't like how you always get mad when our toys are all over the floor.
BC: YEAH! You tell Momma to get rid of stuff! She should get rid of you! And Smellie! I've procured this toy collection very carefully over the years, and besides Smellie ...
EM: HEY! I'm not a toy!
BC: No, you're a ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: You didn't know what I was going to say!
MK: You were going to insult Ellie.
BC: That's not fair! I ALWAYS insult her so that's not really a surprise!
EM: But you said I did good when I went to the vet!
BC: You learned from the best.
EM: Momma?
BC: NO! ME! I taught you how to cat!
EM: But I was a cat when I came to live here!
BC: You can't really be that ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Holy crapsticks, the censor is in overdrive today.
EM: Someone should put you in your place!
BC: WHAT did you JUST say to me?
EM: Err ... you're a good brother?
BC: That's the most insulting thing you've ever said to me! MOMMA! You censor what I say, but Smellie can make up lies?
MK: Don't you love it when you lie to save yourself trouble and end up making it worse?
EM: My Momma doesn't lie!
{Pause}
EM: Well, besides when she says she won't hurt me and then she brushes my teeth or clips my claws!
{Pause}
EM: And when she insists our food bowls are full ...
{Pause}
EM: And ...
MK: That's enough! I get the point!
BC: What about when she tells us she's going to pet us and then throws us in the carrier?
EM: YEAH!
BC: Or when she says she's sleeping and then we get in trouble because she wasn't really sleeping to begin with!
EM: Err ... you're on your own with that one. I'm always a good cat.
BC: Then what happened last night?
EM: Err ... how should I know? YOU did it!
BC: I get blamed for everything around here! I SAW you spring out of the blinds and knock over a lamp.
EM: There's no lamp there!
BC: Well, not anymore!
EM: Wait a ...
MK: You mean the lamp YOU broke in pieces eight or nine YEARS ago?
BC: Bella was leaving! I had to get to the other window.
EM: Bella?
MK: She ...
BC: Don't you dare!
MK: For several years, there was a black cat that came around every morning between three and five am and Bear would sit and give her googly eyes and howl for a couple hours until she left.
EM: YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A BLACK CAT?!?!? After all the times you told me being all black was boring!?
BC: Oh, great. Now there's no living with her. Besides, I learned the error of my ways. Those were my young and naive days.
EM: Now you're just old and cantankerous?
BC: I'll show you ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: What? I was just going to show Smellie something.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: In my fist.
MK: Exactly.
EM: I saw a black cat last night on the front porch! That's why I tore out of the window and bounced off the loveseat and flew across the room ...
{Pause}
EM: *(@*!
BC: AND?
EM: All that lamp stuff was just to trick me into confessing!
BC: My mistake. I blamed you for what I did.
EM: AGAIN?
BC: Maybe if you weren't so stupid ...
EM: I ...
BC: Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: THERE WAS A BLACK CAT HERE LAST NIGHT AND THIS IS THE FIRST I'M HEARING OF IT?
EM: I thought it was kind of obvious! I live here!
BC: NO! The black cat on the front porch!
EM: She was pretty.
MK: Huh. She's come around consistently for a couple months and then disappear for a year or two ...
BC: BELLA'S BACK! How did she look? What was she doing? Did she ask about me?
EM: I thought you'd learned the error of your ways!
BC: WHAT?!?
EM: She's a black cat ... I'm a black cat. You call me plain ...
BC: Phht. That's because Bella's THE BLACK CAT. You're ... a black cat.
EM: But ...
BC: THANKS, MOMMA! Now I'm never going to hear the end of it!
EM: We're the same color!
MK: To be honest, it's very unlikely the black cat you saw was Bella. We haven't seen her in years.
EM: What did Bear do to her?
BC: {mockingly} What did Bear DO to her? Hmph! I'm a ladies man! You should've seen before you got here ... there was a line of lady cats outside our door.
EM: Are you talking about Momma's stuffed animals?
BC: I suggest you shut your mouth before I shove something up your ...
MK: {trying to change the subject} When Bear was a kitten, he wanted to be a black cat.
EM: Oh, REALLY?!
BC: You just HAD to go there.
MK: Kitty made him sit on the opposite side of the room as she did telling him it would happen if he stayed in the same spot.
EM: Wait a ... YOU GOT ALL YOUR TRICKS FROM KITTY?
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about.
MK: No. Bear does his own things - like counter cruising and putting his nose in everything I do ... sticking his paw in the toaster ... tearing up stuff and stealing things.
BC: WE GET THE IDEA!
EM: The TOASTER?!
BC: I'm never going to live this down.
MK: Ha. You'll never live down getting your body stuck in the handle of a plastic bag ... or getting your BACK paw stuck in a jar of peanut butter.
EM: WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!
MK: But yes, his ideas to make you leave him alone came from Kitty. You'd never believe what she convinced him of this one ...
BC: ENOUGH! What is this? Bear-bashing day?
EM: And how's that different from any other day?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
The Boy: HELLO!?! I'm still here!
EM: Daddy, you're interrupting! I want to hear all the old Bear stories!
BC: Hmmm ... with Miss Chatty Momma here, The Boy should be my favorite.
{The Boy jumps up from the couch to pet Bear}
The Boy: Aww! My BuddyBear!
BC: {HIIIIIIIISSSSSSS}. Don't touch me!
The Boy: But you said ...
BC: I know what I said!
The Boy: Then we're best friends.
BC: I don't think so. I said I SHOULD ... not that I WOULD. Touch me and die.
EM: I'll jump on your lap, Daddy!
The Boy: Okay!
{Ellie jumps on The Boy's lap and looks around ... finally, she focuses on Momma's lap}
EM: Err ... tomorrow.
The Boy: THAT'S IT!
BC: Does that mean you're going to leave? Just asking.
The Boy: NO! But I deserve some respect around here!
BC: That's easier when you have claws and fangs!
The Boy: I don't respect you!
BC: I know! That's why I don't like you!
{Silence}
The Boy: Was I just schooled by a cat?
BC: Phht. When are you not?
EM: What he's saying is true ... no offense.
The Boy: EXCUSE ME if I don't take part in LOVE MOMMA FEST.
BC: He thought I schooled him? Momma's going to tear him a new ...
MK: Oh, REALLY?!?!
The Boy: Err ... I meant ... I mean ... I JUST CAN'T WIN IN THIS HOUSE!
BC: Ding ding ding ding ding!
EM: Dong.
BC: What?
EM: Dong comes after ding!
BC: No, it doesn't!
EM: Because you're the expert on ding dongs?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: Err ...
What are the awards Bear's referring to? Here's what Bear won for contest year 2018 from the Cat Writer's Association (including links to the posts if you missed them or want to read them again). For the list of all award-winners, please see 2018 COMMUNICATIONS CONTEST.
The GoodNewsForPets Human-Animal Bond Special Award - Do cats need human interaction or are they completely fine on their own?
CWA Council of Directors Newcomer Blogger's Home - Enrichment Special Award - Are your cats bored?
Written Article: Feline-Human Bond {regular category award - Muse Medallion and Pendant} - Do cats need human interaction or are they completely fine on their own?
While we're proud of these awards, Momma's most proud of nominating Janiss Garza for the Michael Brim Distinguished Service Award and being there to present it to her! Congratulations to Janiss Garza of SparkleCat - Featuring Summer - and thank you for inspiring me and so many cat-lovers every day!
© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.
- If you missed the conversations between Bear and Kitty: What Your Cats Are Really Saying - To Each Other.
- Bella is a tiny black cat who's visited Bear on and off for years. Prior discussions including her ...
- The introduction of Bella ... Bear Flaunts His Tom(cat).
- Again.
- The Fred Files.
- Bear knocks his luck.
- We announced the posts we won Certificates of Excellence for in: Momma searches for her sense of humor.
