Tuesday, May 14, 2019

The most wonderful time of the year

The Boy is forced to go outside to take care of his business and the cats are right there in the window watching! Tasty whole chickens slip through Bear's claws more than once ... and Bear celebrates the most wonderful time of the year. We're taking off Friday as Momma will be at the Cat Writer's Association Conference. We'll get around to as many of you as possible before then. We'll be back to normal next week. 

 The Boy: Momma's fiance 
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat

 The Boy: {through the closed door to the bathroom} I really gotta pee! Kat, are you in the bathroom?
MK: Yes. 
The Boy: Are you using the facilities?
EM: Momma's in the bathroom? BEAR! Momma's in the bathroom!
BC: Smellie, I give you ONE job!
EM: Well, I told you like you told me to.
BC: Only after I heard for myself!

EM: I fell asleep!
BC: You weren't eating?
EM: Err ... NO? Not while I was sleeping!
MK: No. I'm peeing all over the walls like a ticked off cat.
The Boy: Very funny.
BC: COOL! We miss all the good stuff!
The Boy: That explains why the cats ran to right outside the door. I really have to go!
BC: She's keeping us from the show!
EM: Yeah! She closed us out!
The Boy: Sometimes Mommas like privacy.
EM: Phht. Mommas don't need PRIVACY, they need cats to look after them!
BC: The nerve!
EM: Besides, why would she want privacy when she has us? Without us watching, she might fall in or get lost!
BC: Then again, falling in might make a good show.
The Boy: You two don't like us watching you in the litter box!
BC: Phht. You two aren't as fabulous as me and .... RATS! ... me.
EM: HEY!
MK: I'll be done in a minute!
BC: Wait a ... THERE ARE TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS IN THERE!
EM: And tunas!
BC: There aren't any tunas!
EM: Then there aren't tasty whole chickens!
BC: We bet Momma wouldn't be mad if you opened the door for us ... and we wouldn't tell her you did it.
EM: Yeah, right! Don't believe him! He always tells me he won't tell on me and then he does!
The Boy: I COULD open the door.
MK: I heard that!
BC: How dare you suggest we bust in on Momma's privacy!

The Boy: WHAT?!?! You just said ...
{Pause}
The Boy: I can't wait! I'm going outside!
BC: What is this? Deprive cats of entertainment day? First Momma closes us out of the bathroom, then The Boy uses the garden as a litter box ...
EM: The Boy uses the garden as a litter box? EWW!
{THUNK}
BC: LET.
{THUNK}
BC: ME.
{THUNK!!!!}
BC: IN!
{THUNK!!!!}
BC: I KNOW you have tasty whole chickens in there!
EM: And tuna!
BC: Wait a ...
{Bear jumps in his window where he sees The Boy doing his business}
BC: Front row! Sweet! Can you move a little to the left? NO! MY left!
EM: Let me see! Let me see!
BC: HEY! I was here first!
EM: Come on, Bear! Let me see!
BC: Did you know male humans stand while peeing like we do?
EM: Duh.
{Pause}
EM: Wait ... WHAT? LET ME SEE THAT!
The Boy: {seeing the cats in the window} AHH!
BC: Yeah, well, you're pretty scary yourself! Look at the size of that ...

EM: Jealous?
BC: Of the HUGE bug on The Boy's shirt?
EM: Oh, NO!
The Boy: {seeing the bug} AHHHHH! {Dancing around} AH! AH! 
BC: Pull your pants up! 

EM: I'm not wearing pants!
BC: I'm not talking to you!
EM: Hmph. I'm not talking to you either!
MK: What are you two watching?
BC: The Boy!
MK: Give him some ...
{Pause}
MK: Why's he dancing around like that? I thought he went outside to go! And he's dancing like he has to go.
{Pause}
MK: Oh, crap! Is that a huge bug on his shirt?
BC: Ask and ye shall receive ...
MK: He's NOT bringing that bug in for you!
BC: But ... but ... I'm feeling ... shark-y and if you don't let me at that bug, I'll just have to take it out on your short-sleeved arms!
MK: As much as I hate the cold, wearing sweatshirts prevents a certain ill-tempered cat from causing me much pain.
BC: HA! It's that time of year!
{Pause}
BC: OH! BYE!
EM: Where's he going?
MK: No idea. Wait a ....
{Pause}
MK: @&*^%!
EM: What? What's going on?

MK: Your brother's going to try to escape outside when The Boy comes back in!
EM: Why would he do that? Outside sucks and we have a pretty sweet deal ... Momma? Momma?
BC: Move, or I'll run right over you.
The Boy: {coming in the front door} WHAT?!
BC: Good enough!
MK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Boy: *&@! I didn't realize Bear was eyeing the door! Honey! Hon ...
{Collision}
The Boy: Ow.
MK: No kidding.
The Boy: Bear got outside. 
MK: Yeah. I know.
The Boy: Why does he like it out there?
MK: It's all about proving he can.
The Boy: I could prove I can go to a strip-club, but I'm not stupid enough to open that can of worms.
EM: What's a strip-club? Where's Bear?
The Boy: He got out!
EM: QUICK! Lock the door!
MK: {going outside} BEAR! Get your butt inside!
EM: What about the rest of him?
The Boy: He's not just one big butt?
EM: Well, when you put it that way ...
MK: &^*@! Come out from behind the rosebush!
BC: MAKE ME!
MK: You've made your point.
BC: Technically, I have twenty-two points.
MK: All of which I'm on a first name basis with. You win.
BC: OBVIOUSLY.

MK: GET. INSIDE.
BC: I'm actually pretty comfy right here!
MK: Fine. We'll do this the hard way.
BC: HEY! I want to be back here! You can't move me! Ill go back inside when I'm good and ready!
MK: OWW!
BC: And there's more where that came from!
MK: That's the last straw! GET. INSIDE. NOW!
BC: You can't get me!
MK: We'll see about th ...
BC: 'ROW! Hiiiisssssss!
MK: *&$ the *#$&!!! OWWW!
BC: I love short-sleeve weather! Warm enough to run outside without freezing a tail off - and human limbs unprotected by sleeves or pants for a cat's furry fury.
MK: Fine. Have it your way. I'm going back inside.
BC: OH! Grass time! I love grass! Nom nom nom nom nom nom ...
{Momma goes inside and closes the door}
BC: HA! Take that! 
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm. The grass always tastes better when Momma's here to watch me eat it.
{A sound startles Bear}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Momma? Smellie? Anyone? It's lonely out here! HELLO?!?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... HEEEEEEELLLL no! Let me in! I know you have tasty whole chickens in there!!!
{Pause}
BC: Hello?! HELLO?!?! Momma! HELP! I don't want to be outside anymore!
{Pause}
BC: Momma? MOMMA!!!!!!
EM: Are you just going to leave him out there?

MK: Nah. I'm just making him wait a little bit since he made me wait until he decided he wanted to come in.
{THUNK}
BC: LET.
{THUNK}
BC: ME.
{THUNK!!!!}
BC: IN!
{THUNK!!!!}
BC: I KNOW you have tasty whole chickens inside! You're playing with MY chickens! I know it! Don't deny it! Let me in or ...
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's a leaf out here looking at me funny! If you don't let me in ...
MK: {opening the door} Bear?
BC: Never mind. I'm staying out here.
MK: Uh huh.
{Bear meanders around the yard, then nonchalantly walks in to the house}
BC: I was done out there.
MK: Of course you were!
BC: Are you being sarcastic?
MK: NO! Of COURSE not!
EM: {mumbling under her breath} And he says I'M stupid!
BC: Okay. I LOVE this time of the year. LOVE!
MK: I sense what's coming ...
BC: This time of the year is so wonderful, I must break out in song!

MK: Too late.
BC: {to the tune of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"}
It's the most wonderful time of the year.
With humans wearing short sleeves,
And limbs ripe for biting as all humans fear.
It's the most wonderful time of the year.
{Pause}
BC: It's the hap-happiest season of all.
With the sun streaming through my windows warming my fur, 
Finally free from winter's pall.
It's the hap-happiest season of all.
{Pause}
BC: There'll be chances to escape,
and make the humans gape,
When we roll, roll in yucky stuff.
{Pause}
BC: There'll be big bugs for stalking
And grass, yummy grass galore,
Not a thought of winter's chill.
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHY DON'T I HAVE AN ADORING AUDIENCE!?! You'll all pay for this! I WILL find you and I WILL make you sorry! So help me, if you're hiding with my tasty whole chickens, I'm going to lose my ...
{Pause}
{Light snoring comes from the cat bed near the door}
EM: Is it safe?
MK: Should be.
The Boy: Wonders will never cease. How did you know he'd run out of gas?
EM: Momma's psychic! 
MK: No. Experience.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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Friday, May 10, 2019

Loving Momma

Momma's sick again ... and in need of some peaceful rest. In our house?! REALLY?!

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

 EM: OH! You're still in bed! YAY! See, I usually come in at 7:08 and redeem my 7:10 pets, but I overslept. My 7:10 pets are my favorites because Bear is no where to be found and I get you to myself! Then again, my 1:19 pm pets are pretty awesome too. Actually, I like all the pets - unscheduled and scheduled. I love you, Momma! You're the bestest thing ever! Every cat should have a Momma like you! And your lap ... it's like heaven ... well, without the tuna and sparkle balls.
MK: Ellie, slow down, I'm not feeling so good.
BC: {from the other room} HA! I told you that you'd regret eating that pizza and the snack cakes!
MK: NO! It's not THAT kind of sick!
EM: Pet me, Momma! PET ME! I've been bereft of love since my 6:28 pets! I was getting lonely! I thought I might never get loves again!

BC: {walking into the room} And yet ... you overslept.
EM: No one asked you. But if I had, I'd tell you that some boy-cat kept me up!
BC: You were in my spot!
EM: THREE TIMES!
BC: Well, I didn't exactly count ... I just go with the force field.
EM: I suspect you like licking me and annoying me until I get up and give you the spot. Some dominance type nonsense.
BC: Dominance is no nonsense. Only the non-dominant think it's nonsense.
EM: Is that true, Momma?
BC: Like she would know! The only living thing she's dominant over is The Boy!
EM: No one likes a cat that brags about his power.
BC: Says the cat who has no power.
EM: I get Momma to do what I want MOST of the time!
BC: Oh, yeah? Then why isn't she petting you already?
EM: Err ... 
BC: Yeah. She does what you want most of the time because she feels sorry for you.
EM: Because you're my brother?
BC: Hey! I'm a good brother!
{Pause}
BC: Never mind. I couldn't even get that out with a straight face!
MK: Can you two take this elsewhere?
EM: But I was really looking forward to pets!

MK: Ellie, I'm not feeling good. Can we do it later?
BC: I told you ...
MK: Not that kind of sick, Bear!
BC: Sheesh! You're grumpy. Sounds like that pizza and those snack cakes are giving you some ...
MK: STOP! Just because I don't want to hear your "I told you so," doesn't mean that you're right!
BC: But I am.
MK: NO!
BC: You're in denial.
MK: Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I'm in denial.
EM: The river in Egypt? But you're right here! Bear, how can she be in the Nile if she's right here?
BC: De Nile isn't just a river in Egypt.
EM: REALLY? Where else does the Nile go?
MK: Bear, it's MY stomach and it feels fine.
EM: What's that have to do with the Nile?
MK: IT DOESN'T! 
{Silence}
MK: Seriously? Can you two do this somewhere else?
EM: But I can't get pets if I go someplace else!
BC: I'll pet you.
EM: Ummm ... why does that scare me?
BC: Because you know me.

EM: Right. Sometimes I wish I didn't!
BC: It's not my fault you believe everything I say!
EM: I don't believe EVERYTHING you say. I know I'm not smelly!
{Silence}
EM: Err ... right?
{Pause}
EM: Momma?
MK: Oh, so NOW you're listening to me?
BC: Someone's in a BAD mood!
EM: Who? I'm not in a bad mood!
BC: And another someone is an idiot.
EM: That's not nice to call Momma an idiot!
BC: I wasn't!
EM: Wait a minute ...
BC: Unbelievable! She's too stupid to even know when she's being insulted!
EM: No one insults my Momma and gets away with it!
BC: She's MY Momma too! She was my Momma FIRST!
EM: Well, apparently, you weren't cat enough for her so she needed me!
BC: You take that back! I'm plenty cat! I'm the epitome of cat! I'm ...
EM: Not missing any meals?
BC: That's it! I've had it! The vet said that ONCE!
EM: A visit.
MK: SERIOUSLY!! CAN. YOU. TWO. DO. THIS. SOMEWHERE. ELSE?!?!? When you two fight, it shakes the bed.
BC: You don't seem to mind when The Boy's around!

MK: WHAT?!?!?!
EM: He's right. A couple nights ago you and Daddy were fighting and the bed was definitely shaking. I ran for cover.
BC: Who won, Momma? You both seemed pretty happy afterward.
MK: That's it! OUT!
EM: But ...
BC: Yes, your butt too!
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: After you!
EM: Yeah. I'm not doing THAT again. Last time I went first, you heckled me all the way to the other room.
BC: Well, I mean, your butt is pretty remarkable ...
EM: REALLY? Thanks!
BC: ... For an airplane hanger!
EM: That's it! 
{WHAP!}
BC: Oww! Momma! She whapped me! Hasn't Momma ever told you violence isn't the answer?
{WHAP!}
EM: OWW! Momma! He whapped me!
{Pause}
EM: So the violence thing doesn't include you?
BC: Don't be ridiculous. Violence isn't the answer because I always hit back harder.
EM: Momma didn't say that!
BC: Oh, so you're now not listening to Momma?
EM: Of course I listen to Momma! I'm a good cat!
MK: NEITHER OF YOU ARE LISTENING!
BC: Listening is for chumps ... like Smellie.

{Pause}
BC: WHAT? That's an evil look, Smellie! Momma, Smellie looked at me!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Oh. Never mind. That's just her face.
EM: Yeah. Like I'd want to look at you!
BC: Because you have ...
EM: What? A huge butt? A stupid brain? An ugly face?
BC: Well, when you say it, I don't need to. I was going to say taste ... and then I thought about how much you love The Boy.
EM: Stop being mean to my Daddy!
BC: You know, if you looked at me, you might learn something. 
EM: How to be grounded in over ten languages? How to lick my butt? How to be annoying?
BC: I should write a book! But you already know how to be annoying. You could write that book.
EM: Why am I the butt of all of your jokes?
BC: Is that rhetorical ... like "Why am I a butt when I really want to be an arm?"
The Boy: {walking into the room} How are you?
EM: Bear's being mean to me!
BC: Smellie's annoying me!
MK: HELP!
The Boy: I was talking to your Momma.
EM: Why?
The Boy: She's really sick and I wanted to be sure she's okay!
BC: She's SICK?
EM: Oh, no!
BC: If she dies, can I have her desk chair, her drawstring pants, her bras and her bazooka?
MK: I DON'T HAVE A BAZOOKA!
BC: Just checking.
EM: I love you, Momma. I'm going to lay on you and keep you warm until you feel better.

BC: Yeah! You could've said something before!
MK: I DID!
BC: Oh. Yeah. I don't listen to you.
EM: I listen! I love you, Momma! I love you even more than ...
{Pause as Ellie looks around the room}
EM: ... {whispering} Daddy.
The Boy: I heard that!
BC: Move out of my way, Smellie Neigh.
EM: NO! I'm making sure Momma's okay!
BC: That's MY job! I fix stuff. Well, to be fair, I break stuff too - but mainly I fix stuff.
EM: I'm not moving!
BC: That's what you said the last 928,825,093,836 times. Then you moved.
EM: Because you LICKED ME!
BC: Don't mind if I do!
EM: EWW! Stop licking me! Stop licking me! MOMMA! Bear's licking me!
The Boy: Maybe you two should take this elsewhere.
EM: But I'm watching over Momma until she feels better!
BC: Or until you get hungry ... which should be any time.
EM: OH! FOOD! I love food! And sparkle balls. And tuna. Though tuna is food, so I guess I already kind of said that.
MK: I feel so special.
The Boy: Because the cats are fighting over you?
MK: No. Because I rank among sparkle balls and tuna.
EM: You do!

BC: I think she was being sarcastic!
EM: HEY! Bear! Stop pushing me!
BC: (trying to push Ellie off Momma} I'm .... going ... to ... love ... my .... Momma ... if ... it's ... the ... last ... thing ... I ... do.
MK: Aww! That's so sweet!
EM: WHAT?!?! I was here first! Uh ... uh oh!
{THUNK!}
BC: Hahahahahaha. She fell off the bed!
EM: I had help!
{Pause}
EM: Oh. I see how it is. Bear is sweet and I'm just knocked off as an after thought.
The Boy: I love you, Ellie.
EM: Not now, Daddy. I have to devise a plan to win back my Momma.
The Boy: Don't let me stand in your way!
EM: I'm not!
The Boy: I guess I'm not needed here.
BC: REALLY?!? 

{Pause}
BC: You JUST figured that out?
MK: THAT'S IT! EVERY ONE OUT! 
EM: But ...
The Boy: KAT!
MK: THAT GOES FOR CATS AND PEOPLE!
BC: Phht. I'm clearly not included in that ... because I'm special.
MK: YOU TOO!
BC: Up yours! That's the last time I try to help you!
EM: All you did was knock me to the floor!
BC: {while being picked up and removed from the room by The Boy} MOMMA! LET ME LOVE YOU! I just want to love you! I'm your Bear-ka-Sprinkles! Your love bug! And this is just plain undignified!
{The door closes}
BC: There better not be tasty whole chickens behind that door!
The Boy: OWWW!
BC: Watch where you put your hands! Last time someone touched me there, I demanded ...
{Momma puts in her ear plugs and silence reigns}

 © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
 All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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Tuesday, May 7, 2019

One of THOSE days

Ellie romances a bag of kibble and finds herself in a predicament she can't find her way out of. Of course, Bear's there for the show, and to heckle her - which backfires when his past exploits come to the fore.  And Momma's barely hanging on to her sanity ... you can probably guess why!

 EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

 EM: {walking into the room} Hmmm ... Well, HELLLLLLO, handsome! Funny seeing a bag like you in a place like this! May I join you?
{Pause as Ellie looks around}
EM: The kibble bag is open ... and Momma isn't here ...
{Pause}
EM: SNIFF SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFF! But it smells so good! 

{Pause}
EM: I'd still be a good girl if I have a little taste, right?
{Pause}
EM: Maybe if I just grab a little ... no one needs to know ...
{Pause}
EM: The bag is standing up! How do I get in there? Hmmm ... 
{Pause}
EM: OH! I know!!! 
{Pause as Ellie looks both ways before leaning into the kibble bag and knocking it over}
{THUNK!}
EM: Oops. I better wait and make sure no one comes before I ...
{Pause as Ellie looks in all directions}
EM: I could just stick my head in the bag ...

{Pause}
EM: No. That would be too much like Bear.
{Pause}
EM: But then again, who would know? I'll be in and out before anyone knows what's going on.

{Pause}
EM: Bear would tell on me ... but I don't know where he is. Maybe I should find him first.
{Pause}
EM: Then again, by then it might be too late to partake of the open bag.
{Pause}
EM: But what happens if my head gets stuck? I should try to paw the kibble out first!
{Pause as Ellie tries to paw some of the kibble out of the bag}
EM: Just a little further ... I can't quite ...

{Pause}
EM: Okay ... try it a different way ...
{Pause as Ellie tries to paw some of the kibble out of the bag in her new position}
EM: NUTSICLES! I can't reach it! The kibble's too far back in the bag to paw out! So close to the promised land ...

{Ellie shoves her head in the kibble bag}
EM: HUH?
{Pause}
EM: WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
{Pause}
EM: This isn't funny! I'm scared of the dark!!
{Pause}
EM: Am I dead? Momma killed me? What other explanation is there?
BC: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. You lost your head!
EM: I did? Where did it go? Can you see it?
{WHAP!}
BC: Nice butt ... especially for your size.
EM: It's not very nice to make fun of my butt!
BC: I wasn't. I was making fun of you.
EM: Where am I? And why is it so dark? Am I dead?
BC: If only I were so lucky!
EM: That's not very nice! You'd miss me!
BC: MOMMA! MOMMA! 
EM: SHHHHHH! I'll get in trouble!

BC: You'd better come quick! The dumb-@$$ managed to get her head stuck in the kibble bag!
EM: STUCK? You mean I'll have to live the rest of my life like this? 
{Pause}
EM: Then again ... I have food. But using the litter box will be complicated. And how do I drink water and eat my wet food treat?
BC: {from the other room} MOMMA! Smellie got herself in trouble!
{Pause}
EM: Am I broken? Pregnant? What kind of trouble am I in? Is there a monster behind me? Am I about to be eaten by it?
BC: {mumbling} PSST! Momma! She's too stupid to realize she isn't really STUCK ...
MK: And did you help her get into trouble?
BC: NO! She did this all on her own! Why do I get blamed for everything around here?
{Pause}
BC: Okay. Okay. I know why. But even I didn't come up with this! That would've been brilliant though! How long before she realizes she can just back up? Bets?

EM: Bear? Momma?!? DADDY?! Where is everyone? HELP! HELP! Oh, maybe I'll just wiggle my head out this ...
{Pause}
EM: It's eating me! It's eating me! The bag of food is eating me! HELP! HELP! SOMEONE? ANYONE?!? I feel the warm breath of the monster ... the sharp teeth ... there's a monster that lives in the kibble bag!
BC: Great. One MORE dimwit to share my food with.
{Pause}
EM: HELP! HELP! The harder I try to get out, the more I get stuck!
BC: Hahahahahaha. Dumb-@$$!
EM: I HEAR you laughing, Bear!
BC: You should see yourself!
MK: Bear, you remember what kitty trauma drama is. If I remember correctly, some boy-cat got the handle of a plastic grocery bag caught around his body and across his chest.

EM: REALLY?!? WHO?!?
BC: ME, you wit-less twit!
MK: I have pictures!
BC: HEY! I was traumatized!
EM: Did you call for your Mommy?
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. Men don't call for their Mommies! They call them Moms or Mommas!
EM: How did you get in that mess to begin with?
BC: How cute. You have to ask.
MK: I'd just carried in my groceries that I set on the kitchen floor. I had a bag with a container of milk and some movies from the library. He couldn't keep his nose out of my stuff and he was nosing through a bag when I opened the refrigerator and startled him. He pulled back - but realized the handle was around his body, so he flipped out and took off, sending the gallon of milk one direction, and the other movies the other.
EM: Hahahaha. That sounds like Bear.
BC: I was traumatized! And what does Momma do? 
MK: I couldn't help but crack up - which freaked Bear out when I tried to get close to him to help him.
BC: It took her FIFTEEN minutes to stop laughing for long enough to help me!
EM: Oh! Help! Good idea! Get me out of here! HELP! HELP!
{Pause as Ellie listens to what sounds like giggling}
EM: Who's laughing? Are you two out there LAUGHING at me? My Daddy would never laugh at me! When I get out of here, I'm going to give you a piece of my mind!
BC: Well, that's convenient because that's all you have left.
EM: You're going to regret this!
MK: I hate to break it to you, but there's nothing you could do that Bear hasn't done - so my regret-o-meter is kind of broken.
BC: Yeah! I'm a force of nature! A bad mother-meower! I am Bear ... hear me roar!
EM: Bears don't roar, you moron!

BC: Oh? YOU'RE the expert on bears? I'm a bear!
EM: Oh. Right.
BC: That's what I thought. Your credibility is hamstrung by the fact that you're stuck in a kibble bag.
MK: Bears don't roar.
BC: Shows what you know.
{Pause as Momma raises an eyebrow}
BC: I know that! I was testing you! It's just an expression!
EM: Of your stupidity!
BC: You're mean when your head is stuck in the kibble bag.
EM: I'm mean because you always make fun of me. You barf on my scratchers. Kick me out of my beds ...
BC: Hmm. I give you those.
EM: It's so unfair! Bear did do much Bear-stuff that I can't even make the slightest impression. Barf on things? Oh, Bear did it. Stealing food? Bear did it. Knocking stuff off the counter? Bear did it. Refusing to get off the counter? Bear did that too. Destroying the love seat, playing in his water bowl, running outside just to prove he can and then hiding behind the rosebush, standing outside in the pouring rain and daring Momma to come get him, rolling in the mud on the front porch, getting a paw stuck in the toaster, then a jar of peanut butter, emptying the bathroom shelves into the toilet ... how can anyone compete with that?
BC: I've had quite a distinguished career! I BROKE the mold!
EM: Like you destroy everything else!

BC: That's right! Just call me the Destroyer!
MK: Ellie, I'm going to help you, okay?
BC: Aww ... man! Do you have to? I don't think there's enough help in this world for that girl.
MK: Did I have to remove the handle to the plastic bag when you got it caught around your body?
BC: That's different! I thought the bag was chasing me! {mumbling}.
EM: EXACTLY! The kibble bag is trying to eat me!
MK: Oh, for the love. No one's been chased or eaten by any bag of any kind.
BC: You'll see ... only too late. They're unionized.
EM: Oh, NO! UNIONIZED?!?!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... what does unionized mean?
MK: Just hold still!
EM: I can't see anything! HELP!
BC: Open your eyes, dumb-$#!+!

EM: OH! Cool! I see normally! Am I dead? Because I'm surrounded by scads of kibble! This is heaven!
{Momma grabs Ellie}
EM: NO! Don't take me from my happy place back into a life with .... BEAR! Just one more bite of kibble, okay?
BC: HEY! What's so bad about life with me?
EM: {obviously chewing kibble while talking} Don'f geff mwe tartez.
BC: Oh, great. Now she's slobbering over the entire bag! All the kibble ... RUINED!
EM: Nof who'f lafang?!?!
BC: Take this!
{WHAP!}
EM: HEY! Momma said you aren't allowed to touch my butt! I'M BEING MOLESTED WHILE MY HEAD IS STUCK IN THE KIBBLE BAG! Arrest him! Throw the book at him!
BC: Poor you.
MK: Bear, you're not helping!
EM: Momma! Don't rip me from the bosom of heaven!
BC: More like the butt.
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: {walking in the front door} What's going on?
MK: {pulling Ellie out of the food bag} Do you really want to know?
{Pause as The Boy thinks}
EM: Place me back in the bosom of my noms!! I'm collecting my sparkle balls and going back to live in the food bag!

The Boy: Ah. One of THOSE days. Nope. I'm good.
BC: Do you promise to never come out again and be quiet?
EM: OKAY!
BC: Eh. What's one bag of food in exchange for peace and everything being mine.
MK: NO! No one's going to live in the food bag! Ellie, if you're hungry, I just filled both of your food bowls.
EM: But ... but ... it's not the same! 
BC: You're telling me!
EM: Kibble tastes better in the bag!
BC: Really?! Can I try that? Momma? 
EM: SHUT UP, Bear! If it weren't for you, I'd still be safely swaddled in the bosom of heaven!
BC: You asked for help!
{Pause}
BC: Well, I at least wanted Momma to see you with your head stuck in the bag!
{The Boy walks back into the room}
Both cats at the same time: Thanks for ruining EVERYTHING!
The Boy: Err ... I left my phone in the bedroom.
MK: CHICKEN!
BC: WHERE?!?!?! Where's the chicken? 
{Pause}
BC: Don't yell fire in a crowded theater, Momma!
MK: I think you're talking about crying wolf. I called The Boy a chicken because he can't handle your nonsense.
EM: A wolf? Would that eat me? Because ...

MK: {leaving the room} I need to go see if The Boy is okay.
BC: Maybe he fell in! Hahahahaha.
EM: You're a jerk! You always come to the places I'm sleeping and annoy me until I give up the spot ... over and over ... like six times a night!
BC: It's not my fault you're sleeping where I have to sleep.
EM: Have to?
MK: {in the closet with The Boy - whispering} They're going to realize we're gone any minute!
The Boy: You're the one that closed the food bag! If you'd left it open, they would've entertained themselves for hours! By the way ... you think we could fit a little refrigerator in here beside the microwave?
BC: It's a pretty complex numerical calculation.
EM: So it's not just by whim?
BC: Err ... I didn't say that.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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