Friday, November 30, 2018

Awkward pauses

With Momma's birthday, The Boy's birthday, and Thanksgiving all within the last week of November, it tends to be especially eventful around our house. Below are snippets of conversation from the last week. 

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


*** THANKSGIVING ***

{Bear's snoring lightly}

EM: WHERE'S ALL THE FOOD?!? It was here a minute ago! We've been robbed!
BC: Huh? FOOD?!? WHERE?!?!
EM: The kitchen table! 
BC: Why didn't you say that before?
EM: But there's no food here! THANKSGIVING DINNER IS GONE!
BC: So there isn't food on the kitchen table?
EM: NO!  I mean yes, there isn't food on the kitchen table. 
{Pause}
EM: No, wait. YES! No! There's no food on the kitchen table.
BC: Which is it?
EM: Aren't you listening? There's no food up here!
BC: Then why did you wake me up from my nap?
EM: They ATE it all!
BC: They?! The aliens are back? Maybe a herd of wild wolves? Zombies? {gasp} OTHER CATS moseying through OUR territory? QUICK! Check our litter box for foreigners!
EM: NO! Momma and Daddy!!! 
BC: Momma and The Boy are in our litter box? Or are Momma and The Boy moseying through our territory? I think they'll claim this is their territory.
EM: They ate all the good smelling food that was on the kitchen table!
BC: Well, technically, not ALL. I mean, Momma did give us a healthy helping of turkey before she even sat down to eat. Have I ever mentioned that she has proper priorities?
EM: Wasn't it you that pooped in the litter box JUST as they sat down last year to Thanksgiving dinner?
BC: Hahahahaha. Classic.
EM: And Daddy scooped it right away.
BC: To be honest, I'd worked on that stinky poop for days. And I didn't cover it ... so bada bing bada boom!
EM: And then you tried to steal Daddy's dinner!

BC: I'm not the only cat around here that's helped myself to The Boy's plate.
EM: I have no idea what you're talking about ...
BC: Let me refresh your memory ...

EM: I was just inhaling! Err ... I mean ... I was inhaling AIR ... but not food! Stinky ham sandwich air.
{Pause}
EM: Yum. The thought is making me hungry all over again.
BC: You are ever NOT hungry?
EM: Now that you mention it ...
BC: That's why you're the size of an airplane ...
EM: I'm not in the mood for ...
{Pause}
EM: TURKEY!
BC: You've called me some pretty messed up things ... but a turkey is the lowest!
EM: NO! There's TURKEY up here!
BC: Well, OBVIOUSLY. I mean, YOU'RE up there!
EM: Very ... funny. Ha ... ha ... ha ... ha.

BC: I thought you said there wasn't any food up ...
EM: Oops. I missed it. 
BC: Momma didn't cook the turkey, right?
EM: No. My Daddy did! If you think that makes it any better ...
BC: How do you miss turkey? I mean, if you're not shooting at it.
EM: {BURP}. 
BC: EXCUSE YOU! Manners these days! No respect from these kids. Your elders should be fed first.

EM: There's something else up here ... it smells weird ...
BC: Clear bottle? Dark liquid?
EM: How did you ...
BC: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SPILL THAT BOTTLE!!!
EM: I found the good stuff?

BC: NO! Momma gets VERY angry when some cat knocks over her Diet Pepsi. You've heard about not crying over spilled milk? Well, Momma cries over spilled Diet Pepsi. Just saying.
EM: You're not saying that just to trick me, are you? You know, to keep the good stuff to yourself?
BC: When it gets spilled, it IS pretty funny to watch Momma scrambling about, arms flailing, and ... GET DOWN! Just GET DOWN! MOMMA! MOMMA! Smellie's messing with your Diet ...
EM: SHEESH! I just want to sniff around! But NOOOO. My brother's Mr. Grumpy Pants and he ruins all my fun!

BC: Hmmm ... the turkey is up there all alone ... I might just have to keep it company. It's a hard job, but some cat has to do it. It's only right that it would be a gentle cat like me.
EM: GENTLE?!?! Hahahahaha. How do you think your tasty whole chicken will feel when you cheat on it?
BC: Chicken and I aren't in a monogamous relationship.
{Silence}
BC: {looking around} WHAT?! What'd I say?


*** MOMMA'S BIRTHDAY ***

{Momma walks into the room where the cats and The Boy are}
EM: Momma! Momma! Guess ...
The Boy: SHHHHHHHHH!
EM: What? She doesn't know the surprise!
BC: She's just too stupid to live!
EM: HAPPY ...
BC: Whatever.
EM: HEY! Say your part!
BC: Birthday.
EM: NO! I say "happy" and you say "birthday!"
{Pause}
EM: HAPPY ...
BC: Pizza!

The Boy: He's doing this on purpose.
EM: Doing wh ...
BC: Birthday!
{Pause}
BC: ANKLE!
{Pause}
BC: GAS!!!
EM: This is NOT how we practiced it. You're RUINING everything, stupid head!
BC: I'm not a stupid head! You're a stupid head!
EM: You can't be nice for just ONE day for Momma's birthday?
BC: Shows what you know. I let her pet me for an HOUR earlier! And I gave her her birthday wake-up wet nose in the ear! That's better than any ...
The Boy: Sheesh. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KAT!
{Pause}
The Boy: And here's your present on the table ...
{Bear notices a stuffed Bear on Momma's table}

BC: {GASP!!!} What is THAT?!?!
The Boy: A new bear.
BC: REALLY?!? You think I'm not enough Bear for her? This is the second impostor you've introduced into our lives. This chump has it coming six ways to his butt hole.
{Silence}
BC: That sounded a lot better in my head.
The Boy: Sometimes I wish you'd leave it there.
BC: I've never been so insulted since ... since ... this morning! Get this chump out of here!
MK: I LOVE IT!!! So pretty! And soft! And warm!
EM: The only chump I see ...
BC: SHUT IT! No one told me about this ... this ... travesty!
EM: Hmm. Daddy, I kind of agree with him. I mean, how would you feel if he gave Momma another boyfriend?
BC: YEAH!
{Silence}

*** THE BOY'S BIRTHDAY ***

BC: You have to!
EM: I don't really see how ...
BC: Do you love your Daddy or not?
EM: Well, of course! But is jumping out of his birthday cake really demonstrating my love for him? It sounds ... messy.
BC: If you really love someone, you have to jump out of a cake for them.
EM: Did you jump out of a cake for Momma's birthday?
BC: Well, NO! Because she didn't have cake. But I would've.
EM: Won't he be mad if I get cat fur in his cake? How do I get in the cake? Does it have to be baked around me? Or do they have a mold to set it over me?
BC: Yep.
EM: Which one?
BC: I don't want to ruin the surprise.
MK: Surprise? What surprise?
EM: I'm jumping out of Daddy's birthday cake.
{Silence}
MK {groan} Wake me up when it's December!

And if that weren't enough, The Boy's cake didn't go as planned ... thus Momma's tips to fail like a boss ...

1) Make surprise birthday cake after boyfriend goes to bed - meanwhile employing all kinds of strategies to hide the noise of the activity.
2) Get everything cleaned up in the kitchen while it bakes.
3) When it's done, have the BRILLIANT idea to hide it outside of the kitchen, loosely covered because it's still cooling.
4) Climb some random object to reach the top shelf of the bookcase.
5) Place cooling rack, cake pan, and loose cover on top of bookshelf.
6) Decide it needs more air so you try to rearrange the top of the bookcase so it has a couple inches room on all sides.
7) Lose balance and fall off random object - knocking the cake off the bookcase.
8) [No longer loosely covered] Cake pan lands upside down on the cats' food bowl, flipping it over and ensuring there's a healthy sprinkling of kibble throughout the crumb pile that was the cake.
9) Realize that this is your life. Try not to cry.
10) Keep cat out of cake while trying to clean up the mess ... and clean up the kibble now showered all over the second bedroom.
11) Notice two very ticked off cats.
12) Recognize that you overachieve even while failing.
13) From now on, hibernate from October 31 to December 02 every year {just in case}.
14) Hope the cats (and the fiance) forgive me.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2018

The rights of The People ... err ... and cats, part 2 #ChewyInfluencer

If you missed Part 1 of this post where Bear Cat and The Boy discuss the Second Amendment ... and Bear goes a bit berserk searching for things on the internet [a $90,000 tank?!]: The rights of The People ... err ... and cats. This post includes a closer look at Bear's masterpiece, some bickering between the cats, and a review!

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: The comments on my post about a cat Bill of Rights suggested I run for president.
MK: No.
BC: What?! You think a cat isn't good enough to be president?
MK: No. But I think putting you in charge of an army of tanks is foolish.
BC: Wait wait wait. As president, I'd be in charge of an army of tanks? What about bazookas?
MK: Ummm ...
BC: Just call me the tank daddy.
MK: And there it is. No.
BC: Is NO the only word you know?
{Silence}
BC: See what I did there? Since NO isn't the only word you know, you'd have to say something else because if you answer NO, you'd have proved my point. But by saying something else, you stop that obnoxious NOing!
MK: The power of no.
BC: Phht. There is no power in no. It's just asinine. I poop on your "no!'
MK: So you want to run for President
?
BC: Do presidents have to wear that funky tiara?
MK: What funky tiara?
BC: The one the current president wears on his head that looks like an albino rabbit gave his life for our country.
MK: That's not a tiara.
BC: So if I become president, I won't have to wear that?
MK: No.
BC: Call me the Commander of Tanks.
MK: No.
BC: Tank daddy? I'm the TANK DADDY! The 'ole daddy of tanks. The tankster, the tankerooni  ...


MK: NO!
BC: Could I raise money to make payments on a tasty whole chicken ... err ... I mean to pay for my campaign?
MK: That's illegal.

BC: WHAT?!? A tasty whole chicken farm is illegal? Or BUYING a tasty whole chicken farm is illegal? What happens if you hatch your own chickens?
MK: It's illegal to use campaign contributions for personal use.
BC: Then what can one spend them on?
MK: The campaign.
BC: Wait wait wait ... you Americans PAY for all that annoying mail and robocalls leading up to an election?
MK: Yeah. Though corporations and PACs offer some of the funding as well.
BC: Packs? Packs of what? Like a case of morons?
MK: You're kidding, but ...
BC: If people pay for that kind of annoyance, surely I can get paid for my obnoxiousness.
MK: You said it. Not me.
BC: If I'm president, I can do what I want.
MK: UGH.
BC: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
MK: A president wouldn't say that!
BC: Oh? Are you going to be the one to tell him? What fun is being president if you can't order beheadings?
MK: You can't be president. You're not an American citizen and you aren't older than thirty-five.
BC: Phht. Take your stupid American citizenship and stuff it! Oh, as a cat I'm not GOOD ENOUGH to be an American citizen? I haven't been so insulted since the vet told you that everything is normal in regard to me. Phht. I'm not NORMAL, I'm EXTRAORDINARY!
MK: It doesn't quite work like ... he didn't mean ...
BC: I don't need the stroke of humanocrity. No. I'm BETTER than a citizen ... I'm a CAT! And I'm older than you in cat years. Have respect for your elders! Just call me the tank daddy.
MK: Oh, my head. 
BC: You should see the rest of my Bill of Rights..

MK: As much as I'm curious, I know that I don't want to open that box.
EM: BOX?! What box? I love boxes! 
BC: Oh, to be simple-minded. 
EM: Well, not as much as food. I mean ... food IN a box would be best ... but food definitely is the best, boxes or not ... but boxes can be fun too ... especially when you use them as cover to pounce on your brother.
BC: True story. More than once. Boxes should be banned.
EM: Just because YOU don't appreciate the value of boxes, you shouldn't ruin it for the rest of us ...
BC: Umm ... technically, YOU ruin it for the rest of us. You're the one that uses them as a launching pad to attack me!
MK: Okay. Okay. That's enough.
EM: What are you guys doing?
BC: Plotting my campaign ...
MK: Looking at Bear's Bill of Rights.
EM: You have my vote ...
BC: THANKS! See?!? She isn't nearly as stupid as ...
EM: ... for jerk of the century.
BC: {sigh} She isn't nearly as stupid as she makes me look.
EM: Let me see this Bill of Rights! Let me see!

{Pause as Ellie reads them}
EM: Mm hmm ... yeah ... good one! Yep! WAIT! Where's my right to not get beat up by my stupid brother?

BC: Ooh! There should be a right against having sisters! No sisters shall be quartered in any house without consent of the alpha cat.
EM: That's discrimination! You don't say anything about BROTHERS!
BC: Even Momma wouldn't be stupid enough to get me a ... huh. No SIBLINGS shall be quartered in any house without consent of the alpha feline.
EM: I'm the alpha feline! 
BC: You're not the alpha feline! I'M the alpha feline!
EM: You're FIRED!
BC: You can't fire me! The president ...
EM: I'm not scared of YOU!
BC: Well, I'm not scared of you! I think I can resolve this ... "No SIBLINGS shall be quartered in any house without consent of the alpha feline. Wheresoever the alpha cat is disputed, the decision is by default that of the oldest member."
EM: You can't just make this all up!
BC: WATCH ME!
EM: These are prejudicial to you!
BC: I regret that I have but one life to give in pursuit of my tyranny. Give me tyranny or give me death!
EM: That's so unfair!
MK: Ignore him. His Bill of Rights isn't binding.
EM: I can't ignore him when he's being stupid!
BC: Oh, yeah? You're STUPIDER!
EM: You're the MOST stupid!
BC: You're the most stupidest!
EM: That's not even a thing!
BC: You live in MY country now. What I say goes.
EM: I'm going to overthrow this nonsense of a country!
BC: And I can ignore you just fine when you're stupid ... which you always are.
EM: HEY! 
BC: And you may call me, "His esteemed catness of Beardom."
EM: Not EXACTLY what I had in mind to call you. But you're right. Bear IS dumb!
BC: SEE?!?! I knew you'd see ... wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: Not DUMB! DOM! Bear-DOM!
EM: Hmph. I think Beardom sounds beary dumb. 

{Momma busts out laughing}
BC: WHAT?!? What's so funny, Chuckles?!
MK: I think she got you.
BC: She DID NOT! I'm my own cat! It even says in here ...
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. It DOESN'T say that! What was I thinking?
EM: Like usual, I'd guess you're n ...
BC: DON'T EVEN SAY IT!
EM: If you ever thought you wouldn't get into these messes.
BC: I think just fine! SEE?!? An ENTIRE Bill of Rights for cats!
EM: Prejudicial to you.
BC: DUH! I wrote it! OF COURSE it's to my benefit. Write your own and we'll talk.
EM: You have too much time on your hands ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... paws.
BC: It's not like I said cats have the right to full food bowls, endless treats, warm places to sleep, laps, and being petted when a cat wants some pets - but leaving him alone when he doesn't. Huh.
EM: THOSE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT POINTS!
BC: No. My most important points are my claws and fangs. 
EM: Who are you?
BC: I thought that was given being part of a cat's own laws and restrictions!
EM: So you trust the humans to read your mind?
BC: No way! Their intellect couldn't process all that goes on in my head!
MK: Wet food treat time!
EM: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MK: If you two start fighting, you'll BOTH lose your treat!
EM: But it's not really my fault! I'm a nice ...
BC: Bus?
EM: TAKE THAT BACK!

BC: Airplane hanger?
EM: Shut up!
BC: When you do!
EM: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! We don't want to lose our wet food treat!
BC: If we did, you might lose a whopping OUNCE. There better not be vegetables in this. I know your tricks, Momma!

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Disclosure: We received Miko Poultry & Tuna Variety Pack Grain-Free Canned Cat Food {3-oz, case of 12} - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Miko nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post. #ChewyInfluencer

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MK: No vegetables in these. This Miko pack is made of flaked chunks of real chicken, turkey or tuna as the first ingredients - and a consomm√© made with real broth provides hydration at meals. Even better, the contents of the cans are a complete and balanced meal with all the nutrition cats require ... and never any of the ingredients you don’t want - like grains, wheat, corn, soy or carrageenan.

BC: I know you're trying to trick me! Where are the vegetables?
MK: The flavors in this pack are Chicken & Turkey Recipe, Chicken Recipe, Chicken & Vegetable Recipe and Tuna & Tilapia Recipe. Only one flavor has vegetables - the chicken and vegetables, but I can't see any vegetables.
BC: You don't have to see them to recognize their nummy food ruining power.
MK: Two of the flavors overlap with the other pack we tried: the Tuna & Tilapia and the Chicken Recipe. You both gobbled those up!

{Pause}
MK: Tonight, let's try the chicken and turkey.

BC: Oh, SURE! Pawn your Thanksgiving turkey leftovers on us!
MK: NO! This is a review for Chewy, remember? 
BC: OH! So we're not GOOD enough for YOUR turkey!
MK: I can't win!
EM: Welcome to our house! Hosted by Grumpy McGrumpsALot.
BC: That's MR. McGrumpsALot to you. Unless you want to call me, "His esteemed catness of Beardom."
EM: Phht. Yeah. That will be the day. I'll just keep the things I call you in my head. I'm a NICE cat.
MK: {putting the plates down} Here you go, you two.
BC: {sniffing the food} No veggies. Just tasty whole chicken goodness!

EM: Don't forget about the turkey! This has turkey in it too!
BC: Don't talk with your mouth full! GROSS!

EM: This is even better than the flavor we had last night!
BC: Num ... num ... num ... num ... 
{Pause}
BC: I regret ... num num num ... that I have but ... num num num ... one belly for ... num num num ... this food.

EM: Now who's talking with his mouth full?!?
BC: Mmm ... bhm hem notw swebet!
EM: EWWW! I felt a piece of chicken from Bear's mouth falling on me!
BC: And you say I don't share!
MK: Enough you two. As I've said before, Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying Miko Poultry & Tuna Variety Pack Grain-Free Canned Cat Food? Go visit Chewy and order a case for your favorite feline!

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Thursday, November 22, 2018

What we're thankful for this Thanksgiving

While most of our posts are meant to be funny accounts {even sometimes parodies} of our lives as a family, I am forever grateful to the fiance, cats, friends, and family who make it all worth it. I've learned that happiness doesn't hinge on possessions or success - but instead on your perspective. Years ago, all I could see was what wasn't in my life. I felt like I'd failed because so many of my friends had more in just about every way {job, house, money, relationships, etc}. My relationship with Bear changed all that. Coming home from the vet one day, I realized that if Bear was all I got, that would be worth living for. For the first time in my life, I was happy with what I had. I'll never forget - my therapist thought this was horrible - that I shouldn't sell myself short. And I haven't. Just because one focuses on what one has doesn't mean that one stays stagnant. It just means that your focus is on the good and not the bad. So much of the bad has been fixed with this simple change in perspective. Bear and I have grown and changed and become better beings - in addition to The Boy and Ellie Mae joining our family. No stagnation in this house! So, dear friends, I wish you the kind of peace and happiness I've found. I wish you love. And I am grateful for all the ways you all make our lives better. Happy Thanksgiving!



Look at these faces! How can one not be happy in the presence of such wonderful kitties with even more wonderful personalities? Being a Momma to these two is truly a gift! {The newest pictures are first}.