Tuesday, January 30, 2018

For France

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {walking into the room} What are you two doing?
BC: Nothing.
MK: Ellie? What are you two doing?
EM: I don't know.

MK: You don't know what you're doing?
EM: I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I want to tell the truth ... but ...
BC: SUCK UP!
EM: Well, I'm supposed to say ...
BC: PHHT!
EM: If I don't say we're doing nothing, Bear will beat me up. 
MK: Okay. If you WERE doing something, what would you be doing?
EM: I ...
BC: SHHH! That's a trick question! I'm telling you ... Momma's tricky! She always manages to get me to confess to stuff! Even when I didn't do it!
MK: Oh, really? 
BC: YES! 
MK: Because I think I have pictures of most of your misdeeds.
BC: Err ... NUTS! Lots and lots of NUTS! That camera needs to die.

{Pause}
BC: SEE?!?!?! She tricked me!
MK: So what are you two doing?
EM: Ummm ... we're not doing anything?
BC: You're not ASKING her! You're TELLING her!
EM: We're ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: ... talking.
BC: PHEW! You almost told her we were ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! See what I mean?!?! Momma's always trying to trick me!
EM: Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem like she'd be able to trick you over and over again unless you're stupid.
BC: HEY! I'm not stupid! YOU'RE stupid!
EM: Momma doesn't trick me!
BC: You're just a big brown noser!
EM: My nose is black!
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie!

MK: So what were you two talking about?
BC: Nothing.
MK: Ellie?
BC: Exactly.
EM: HEY! I'm not nothing!
MK: {sigh} Ellie, what were you two talking about?
EM: Nothing.
MK: If you WERE talking about something, what would it be?
BC: Cat stuff.
EM: HEY! You said not to answer her because she was trying to trick us!
BC: IF we were talking about something, it'd be cat stuff. You know, stinky poop litter box etiquette ... which came first, the chicken or the pot pie ... who let the dogs out where ... napping within blowing reach of the heating vents ... and revenge.
MK: Revenge for what?
BC: The real question should be what we DON'T want revenge for.
MK: Start somewhere ...
EM: For France!
MK: France? What'd I do to France?
BC: And I quote: "I see Paris, I see France ... I see my own underpants."

EM: Hahahaha. That was kind of funny!
BC: Shut up, Ellie! Stupid suck-up! Don't encourage her! It was funny the first time. But over and over and over and OVER and OVER ... not so much. It gets stuck in your head ... and spews out in verbal diarrhea.
MK: You did sing it the other night.
BC: EXACTLY! Who do you think I learned it from?
MK: The gift that keeps on giving.
BC: "Gift" may be a bit inaccurate. It's even worse than the pooping song!
MK: HEY! The pooping song was your creation!
BC: Well, I wasn't expecting some idiot to sing it over and over again until ...
MK: {to the tune of "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"}
Oh! Pooping, pooping, pooping,
I make it out of $#!+,
And when it's nice and juicy,
In the litter I will sit.
{The Boy groans from the other room}
BC: Great. Here we go, AGAIN!
MK: Well, I ...
BC: And the worst part?!?! I thought that nonsense was NORMAL for adults! "I see Paris, I see France ... I see your stripey underpants." Hardy har har. Dancing around like a constipated caterpillar meanwhile singing like a dying cricket high on something ... meowing to popular tunes ... I went for eleven years thinking humans were completely inane and foolish. Then The Boy moves in and confirms it.

MK: BEAR!
BC: No. Kidding on that last part. Him rolling his eyes at you tells me he and I aren't the problem ... if you know what I mean. All this time, I thought all humans were like YOU ... but no. You're special.
MK: When I was a kid, I would've been spanked if I did the underpants ditty.
BC: There's probably a reason for that. IT'S ANNOYING!!! I mean, you're annoying enough on a good day ... You don't exactly need help.
MK: I don't know about ...
BC: Oh, so what isn't wise for a child is a must for you?
MK: Well, it's not like I'm HURTING anyone.
The Boy: You're hurting my ears!
BC: Not all hurts can be seen, Momma.
MK: Okay, okay. What else are you seeking revenge for?
BC: You mean hypothetically? Or is that a trick question?
MK: {sigh} Yes, hypothetically.
BC: You parading around the pictures of me and The Boy. I'll NEVER live that $#!+ down. NEVER. I have street cred to uphold! "Oh, that Bear is a bad-a$$ mother-meower ...  Except when it comes to snuggling with The Boy." Hahahaha. I'm the laughing stock of the blogosphere! You posted my private business all over the place! I bet people call me the dweeble-hugger behind my back!
EM: Well, technically, that should be dweeble-dumber-hugger. Because you know better than trying to hug me!
BC: Do you mind? SERIOUSLY?!?! You always take the other side!

EM: Well, just to be fair, you kind of dig your own hole. "Shovel" should be your middle name! Shoveling poop is your game. Hahahahaha.
BC: SEE?!?! It's rubbing off!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm. THERE'S an idea. Maybe if I dig far enough I'll end up in China. No more Smellie ... inane Momma ... or the grabby Boy! 
The Boy: Don't they eat cats there?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! It's worth it ... I'll chance it. 
The Boy: Tasty whole cat.
BC: YOU tried to eat me!
The Boy: Bear, you dreamed that. It didn't really happen. You can't blame me for something YOU dreamed about!
BC: Phht. Shows what you know. I can do whatever I want. We all know who rules the roost around here.
EM and The Boy all at the same time: ME!
BC: NO! ME! I wear the pants around here.
EM: Hahahaha. Yeah, your stripe-y pants make your butt look big. You probably should try to avoid prison ... stripes don't do you any favors.
BC: HEY! I'm proud of my stripes!  I EARNED these stripes!

EM: Earning them doesn't make them good! 
The Boy: You told me there was a mandatory pants rule. I guess I wear the pants too.
BC: Some things can't be unseen.
The Boy: Like your barf on my pillow?
BC: HEY! I didn't ACTUALLY barf on your pillow. I mean, YEAH, I was AIMING for your pillow ... but it didn't actually land there.
The Boy: You act like you determine ownership of the bed.
BC: Hahahahahaha. Who ELSE would determine ownership of the bed?
MK: True. Here's a hint ... the people others call "owners" AREN'T the authority.
EM: WAIT! If we're talking about revenge ...
BC: HYPOTHETICALLY talking about revenge.
EM: You forgot her "armed and dangerous" routine.
The Boy: That was kind of funny ... she came out of the bedroom with each of you under an arm ... and said she was armed with claws and fangs and dangerous. I wish we had a picture.
BC: There's one tinge of grace  ... that was just undignified. AGAIN.

The Boy: Spoken by the cat that not only licks his own butt ... but Ellie's too!
BC: It's not undignified when it's MY CHOICE. Besides, real moms lick their kitties butts for them ... I don't see either of you waiting in line to lick our butts!
EM: EWW! NO. THANK. YOU. I lick my butt just fine myself, thank you.
BC: It was funny the first time she picked us both up under an arm ...
EM: That wasn't funny AT ALL! I got your claw up my butt!
BC: Maybe if you weren't such a big butt-hole ... you were the one that bunny kicked my head because you couldn't stop squirming!
MK: It ended up like a pile of cats, with Ellie on top. 
BC: I see Paris ... I see France ... I see your butt's huge expanse!
EM: I see Paris ... I see France ... I see your stupid girly prance. Talk about things not being able to be unseen.
BC: What part of "male princess" do you not understand?
The Boy: I see Paris ... I see France ... I see you all askance!
{Silence}
The Boy: WHAT?!?!
BC: I see Paris ... I see France ... I'm the shark with just a glance.
The Boy: Ummm ... I see Paris ... I see France ... I bet your shark won't stand a chance.
{The Boy runs into the bedroom and closes the door}
BC: Wait a ... are there tasty whole chickens in there?!?!

EM: Not again. I see Paris ... I see France ... I see Bear's got the "I'll knock that door down" stance!
MK: I see Paris ... I see France ... the ditty none of you enhanced.
The Boy: Monkey see, monkey do.
BC: {GASP} There are MONKEYS in there?!?! Where's a bazooka when a cat requires one?!?!
MK: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.
EM: When you walked in earlier ... we were doing all three!
BC: ELLIE!
EM: WHAT?!
{Pause}
EM: Oops.
BC: I KNEW you would squeal!
EM: Says the cat that squeals like a little girl when his claws are clipped.
BC: Unless you know how we can break this door down to get at the chickens or monkeys on the other side ... SHUT UP, Smellie!

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Friday, January 26, 2018

Who's really in charge around here?!?

MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae

MK: Don't forget tomorrow ...
{Pause}
MK: {running toward the bed} NO! WAIT! Don't lay down!
The Boy: What?
MK: Some kitty barfed near your pillow.
BC: {from the other room - under his breath} RATS! Some days are better than others. You'd think with all the practice I've had, my aim would be better and I'd have hit the stupid pillow. Then The Boy doesn't even lay in the barfage ... that just REALLY blows chunks!
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it! 
MK: You just said ...
BC: Sheesh! Are you a cat?! Now you have ears in the back of your head too?!?

MK: Still, you said ...
BC: I didn't say a word. You must've heard Smellie talking.
MK: Smellie ... I mean, ELLIE doesn't barf on our bed.
BC: Phht. She sucks. She probably couldn't even hit the broad side of a barn.
{Pause}
MK: Well, then maybe you can explain how barf ended up near The Boy's pillow.
BC: No.
MK: No, you can't explain?
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. You don't have to be a genius to figure out the barfage is revenge. I mean, I didn't do it ... but if I had ... that's why!
MK: You're so convincing. This is the SECOND time this week you barfed in our bed.
BC: No, I didn't!
MK: Ummm ... YEAH. You did. I saw you barf the first time. If I hadn't nudged you, you'd have thrown up on me.
BC: I didn't do it ...
EM: You admitted as much the other day! Remember this picture? You barfed in MY territory!

BC: You all are just ganging up on me! I didn't say it ... I didn't do anything! 
The Boy: AHA! Kind of a strange way to admit it ... but it's true. You take a sleep break from eating ... and a poop break from sleeping.
BC: Oh, yeah. Hardy har har. Next time I'll be sure NOT to miss your pillow.
The Boy: AHA!
BC: What are you? Some kind of spastic detective with a bit too much time on his hands and no ability to figure things out himself so he's overjoyed when the perpetrator confesses? 
MK: Bear ...
BC: Wait ... wait! Time for an earth-shattering revelation in your world! That black fur all over the place?!? It came from Smellie.
The Boy: Is this about the other night?
BC: {mimicking} Is this about the other ... 
{Pause}
BC: YOU TRIED TO EAT ME! You said you'd huff and puff and blow my house down!
The Boy: YOU BARFED ON MY PILLOW!
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, I barfed NEXT to your pillow ... not ACTUALLY on your pillow. I WAS aiming for your pillow ... but c'est la bee.

The Boy: Vie?
BC: Vee what? Don't change the subject!
The Boy: C'est la vie. You act like you know everything, but you can't even get the term right!
BC: VIE! That's what I said.
The Boy: No. It's not.
BC: "Well, TECHNICALLY, I barfed NEXT to your pillow ... not ACTUALLY on your pillow. I WAS aiming for your pillow ... but c'est la vie."
The Boy: AHA! You admitted it!
BC: NO! I said c'est la vie!
The Boy: NO! You admitted barfing near my pillow.
BC: No, I di ... RATS! Maybe YOU should admit to trying to eat me! There's no shame in admitting the appeal of my luscious loins.
The Boy: Bear, you were dreaming.
BC: Phht. No. A DREAM involves torties and bazookas and skunks and crab cakes and tanks and tasty whole chickens and tuna and more torties ...
The Boy: Bear, what you dreamed about didn't happen.
BC: Phht. That's just an excuse. I don't take that kind of disrespect ... even from my own dreams.
The Boy: But I didn't ...
BC: I don't take that kind of disrespect even when it doesn't happen.
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: I. don't. take. that. kind. of. disrespect ...
The Boy: NO! I heard you ... but that makes no sense!
BC: I don't take disrespect sleeping, awake, for real, or theoretically. I am Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest!

The Boy: Just when I thought you couldn't make any less sense, you tote out the male princess bit. Am I dreaming? Because this can't be real.
BC: As real as a heart attack.
The Boy: Bear, I'm not the big bad wolf!
BC: {GASP} How did you know I dreamed you were the big bad wolf? I never told you! It REALLY HAPPENED!
The Boy: Wait a ... 
BC: IT. REALLY. HAPPENED!
The Boy: NO! You said I said I'd huff and puff and blow your house down ... that's the big bad wolf!
BC: Sheesh. Do you really have to label the poor wolf and mock his weight? Wolves have feelings too, you know!
The Boy: Now you're ...
BC: I bet the poor wolf is just misunderstood. Complex. Multi-dimensional. Heck, I'd want to huff and puff and blow your house down if you called me the big bad wolf! Get some feelings!

The Boy: Just when I thought this conversation couldn't get any weirder ... you sympathize with the wolf.
BC: The whole thing is biased. Three little pigs? Have you ever seen three little pigs? I think not. Why aren't the pigs big? Three big pigs. It even rhymes! It's discrimination.
The Boy: You thought the wolf in your dream would eat you ... but you don't think he's bad?
BC: Phht. YOU'RE bad. The wolf? Not so much. You just im-wolf-ated a wolf. You give wolves a bad name.
The Boy: WHAT?! Im what?
BC: If you were acting like a human ... you impersonate ... for a wolf, it would be im-wolf-ate.
The Boy: Conversations with you are so ... enlightening. You didn't seem to mind me so much earlier last night when you jumped on my lap ...
BC: I don't know what you're talking about. You must've been dreaming.
The Boy: Nope it was real. And I have pictures.

BC: Framed. AGAIN. And that's only ONE picture! You said pictures with an 's.'
The Boy: What about these?


BC: HMPH. Look how annoyed I look in the last one! You catnapped me and then got a picture ...
EM: NO! You jumped up there by yourself and only got irritated when I came out to lay on my Daddy's lap. YOU sat in my Daddy's lap and it wasn't available when I wanted it! I had to wait in line.
 
BC: Shut up, Smellie! You ruin EVERYTHING! I never asked you!
EM: No ... but you did barf in my territory on the bed the other night ... so revenge is sweet.The Boy: {changing the subject} You don't recall these? Admit it ... you  kind of like me!




BC: You tricked me! I thought it was Momma under the blanket.

The Boy: Uh huh.
BC: Oh, what do YOU know?!?!?!
The Boy: You mean you didn't mean to snuggle with me?
BC: Phht. In your dreams.
The Boy: In my dreams you remind me of the big bad wolf.
BC: Phht. I think of myself more as the shark!
{Pause}
BC: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ... I'm the SHARK!
The Boy: Uh oh.
{The Boy runs and closes himself in the bathroom}
BC: That's right! I'll HUFF and PUFF and BLOW this door down!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... do you have tasty whole chickens in there?!? You DO, DON'T you!? LET. ME. IN!!
{Silence}
BC: I know you're in there! With MY chickens! 
EM: Phht. Chickens don't just magically appear behind a closed door, Bear.
BC: So now you're the chicken expert?! I think NOT. 
EM: The Boy ran in there because you were going to bite him!
BC: No, I was ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I can't even say that with a straight face.
The Boy: {from the other side of the closed door} I just want to go to bed!
BC: Hmm ... that might not be a bad idea ... Momma?!? Did you clean up the barf spot?
MK: Don't you dare!
{Bear takes off}
MK: BEAR!
EM: What's he ...
The Boy: {from the other side of the door} Is it safe to come ...
BC: MY bed.
{Ellie hops up on the bed}
BC: Move!
EM: NO!
BC: Well. you'd better no talk, sing or snore there! That's a no singing, no talking and no snoring zone!

MK: Well, where do The Boy and I sleep?
BC: NOT my problem.
MK: But you like to cuddle up to me!
BC: Well, yeah. When I come TO YOU. The zones are amendable when I feel like it.
The Boy: He's getting worse.
MK: He's cute ... when he's asleep.
The Boy: Hahahahahahahaha. I want to go to bed.
{Neither cat moves or says a thing}
The Boy: Great. It's going to be a long night.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Dweeble Mitigation Zone

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {sitting down on the bed} Sheesh. I'm BEAT! All I want to do is collapse in bed and ...
BC: Not there.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: You can't lay there.
MK: Why?
BC: Because that spot belongs to me.

MK: How about over ...
BC: No.
MK: Ummm ... here?
EM: Nope. That's my space.
MK: SO WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?!
BC: That's not really our problem, now is it? We were here first!
MK: What about ...
BC: Nope. That's the DMZ.
MK: Demilitarized zone?
BC: Phht. DUH. Dweeble Mitigation Zone. Heavily armed and guarded because I don't trust a certain smelly cat to stay on her side. A buffer gives me a bit of extra security. And minimizes the smell.

EM: I DON'T SMELL ... YOU smell!
BC: Phht. My name's NOT Smellie!
EM: Hmm. You're right. YOUR name is STUPID HEAD!
BC: I'm NOT a stupid head, but you're a DWEEBLE!
EM: I don't see you complaining about my smell when you lick my butt for no reason!
BC: You act like I inhale!
MK: KNOCK IT OFF! I just want to ...
BC: NOPE. Not there.
MK: But ...
EM: HEY!
MK: That's it ... you two need to figure out how to take up less of the bed so The Boy and I can fit.
EM: Why?
BC: I'm telling you ... when she gets really close, it's too late. She cuddles up to me and I can't in good conscience deny her my wonderfulness ... my virile masculinity. I'm tough ... but denying me to her would be cruel and unusual punishment.
EM: BARF!
BC: I already did. Check between the wall and the bed.

EM: Gross! Your barf is in MY territory!
BC: Well, I couldn't very well barf in MY territory ... could I?
EM: But ...
MK: Okay! Just STOP! Where can I lay down?
BC: Here's the 911. 

MK: 911?
BC: Information. The map of ownership of this bed.
EM: 411, you moron!
BC: Eleven has nothing to do with it! Do you see a spot for eleven?
EM: No, I ...
{Pause as Ellie sees Bear's map of the bed}
EM: HEY! You have a bigger piece of the bed!
BC: Phht. 
EM: The bed should be half and half!
BC: Well, I prefer CREAM myself ...
EM: {holding out her map of the bed} THESE are the real boundaries!

BC: No, they're not!
EM: YES. They are.
BC: I'm bigger ... I deserve more room because I'm fluffier!
EM: You mean FATTER!
BC: Take it back!
EM: No.
BC: That's IT! I've had enough of you not respecting ...
EM: It's kind of hard to respect someone that doesn't command it.
BC: Why, I oughta ...
{Ellie jumps off the bed with Bear in hot pursuit}
MK: FINALLY! I can lay in MY bed!
The Boy: {walking into the room} You're not in bed already? I thought you were exhausted?
MK: Don't ask.
The Boy: They were drawing up maps again?
MK: {sigh}.
{Momma and The Boy hear a loud MROW! from the other room}
MK: {getting up} Oh, for CRYING ... I've had enough of this nonsense! All I want to do is sleep in peace ... on MY bed.
{Pause}
MK: {as she walks into the other room to find Bear attacking Ellie} BEAR! What are you doing?!?!

BC: Nothing.
MK: It doesn't look like nothing!
BC: I'm giving Ellie a hug!
EM: Get OFF of me! My mouth's about to give YOU a hug! And my fangs are sharp.
MK: BEAR! If you can't tell me what you're doing, then you'd better stop!
BC: But you said I'm not allowed to talk about it because it would be bragging.
MK: KNOCK. IT. OFF!!!!!!!
BC: Someone's grumpy! WOMEN! They can't make up their minds! One minute it's "Bear! You talking about what you're doing is bragging." Then the next, you get all upset that I won't discuss what I'm doing! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, WOMAN!
MK: I'm going to bed. If I hear any more nonsense, you'll BOTH be grounded.
BC: Phht. I'm already grounded for my entire nine lives ... so what do I ... {as he sees Momma's face} ...
{The cats stop fighting}

{Momma goes back to the bedroom and she and The Boy fall asleep in [relative] peace and quiet.}
{An hour passes.}
BC: UGH! This climb is dangerous ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... strenuous ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... I just might not ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... make it to the top! {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} ... This mountain ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... is no match ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... for my virile ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... masculinity ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... Just can't ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... breathe. {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} ... The air ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... up here ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... is so  ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... thin.
{Bear huffs and puffs until he catches his breath when he finally reaches the summit}

BC: {to the tune of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye}
Ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough,
Ain't no river wide enough,
To keep me from ...
The Boy: ZZZZZ ... OWWW! Wha ... BEAR! Why are you on my back? I'm SLEEPING! Get off my back! You stuck your claw in my side while you sang!
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. I stuck my claw in your side while DANCING to my singing.
The Boy: And that's any better?
BC: I was singing a love ballad to my two favorite torties. My little butt wiggle is part of the appeal, right?
The Boy: Again, you think that makes it better?
BC: Have you SEEN my favorite torties?
The Boy: {sigh}.
BC: {to the tune of "Go, Tell It On The Mountain"}
Go, tell it on the mountain,
Over the hills and everywhere;
Go, tell it on the mountain,
That ...
The Boy: Bear! It's four am! Can't you go tell it on the mountain some other time?
BC: Phht. I'm starting to think you don't appreciate my four am karaoke! FINE! Five am karaoke ... coming up!
The Boy: That's not any better! And next time, NOT on my back?!
BC: So the claw in your side was okay?
{Silence}
BC: Besides, how can I go tell it on the mountain if I'm not ON a mountain? I can see China from here, you know! Whew! THE. VIEW. There's the South Pole!
The Boy: I've got a place for that pole if you don't knock it off!
BC: I see Paris, I see France ... I see The Boy's underpants!
The Boy: Oh, for ...
BC: {to the tune of She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain}
I'll be coming 'round the mountain, when I come ... {TOOT TOOT!}.
I'll be coming 'round the mountain, when I come ... {TOOT TOOT!}.
I'll be coming 'round the mountain, I'll be coming 'round the mountain, I'll be coming 'round the mountain when I come.
{Pause}
BC: I'll be singing karaoke when I come ... {LA LA!}
I'll be singing karaoke when I come ... {LA LA!}
I'll be singing karaoke, I'll be singing karaoke, I'll be singing karaoke when I come.
The Boy: BEAR!
BC: I'll be singing very loudly when I come ... {at FIVE AM!}
I'll be singing very loudly when I come ... {at FIVE AM!}
I'll be singing very loudly, I'll be singing very loudly, I'll be singing very loudly when I come.
{Silence as Bear looks at The Boy}
BC: Speechless? You know what's really great? After a long day ...
The Boy: You mean, NIGHT?
BC: Whatever. After a long climb ... it's time for a catnap!
The Boy: My butt isn't any better place to lay, Bear.
BC: This isn't your butt! It's your head! And I see your mouth moving and ... and ... WHAT'S THAT SMELL?!?! Holy crap! Did Smellie crawl up your butt and die?
The Boy: Maybe get off my butt?
BC: Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: You weren't that hairy this morning ...
{Pause as Bear looks around}
BC: MY! What huge eyes you have!
The Boy: All the better to see your handsomeness with!
BC: It's about TIME you noticed! I ...
{Pause}
BC: BOY! What huge hands you have!
The Boy: All the better to pet you and give you the ear rubs you love so much.
BC: Well, you ALMOST do them right ... {getting really close to The Boy's mouth} WOW! What big teeth you ...
The Boy: And I'll HUFF and PUFF and I'll blow your house down!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
{CHOMP!}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: I'm the shark! That's what you get for huffing and puffing and trying to blow my house down! And there's more where that came from!
MK: HUH?!? What's he talking about? 
The Boy: Bear was asleep and BIT ME out of no where! It's bad enough he bites me all day long ... but now you're biting me in your sleep too?!?
MK: And I thought it was bad when he fell asleep as his jaw was around my wrist. Ridiculous.
BC: Phht. Being ferocious is exhausting. He was trying to kill me!

The Boy: Bear ... you were sleeping! You must've had a bad dream.
BC: HMPH. Well, you WERE in it ... {eyeing The Boy suspiciously} ... but you were going to eat me ... I think I'll go sleep in my cat bed. Just in case.
The Boy: Figures. We come up with scheme after scheme so we can sleep in our own bed ... but in the end ... his own imagination is more effective than we could ever be.

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