Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Insane-izing and gross-osity

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: {walking into the room to find Momma asleep and Ellie laying on Momma's back} Oh, nononononononono! That's my spot! I'm the only monkey allowed on Momma's back!
{Pause}
BC: You're not even doing it right! You're not kneading her back!
EM: Why would I need her back? I mean, her back is nice and all ... but NEED it?!? We're cats! We don't need anything but food!
BC: MOVE from MY spot! I don't look kindly on usurpers and thieves.

EM: We can share! There's plenty of ...
BC: I'm not going to SHARE MY spot! BEAR DOES NOT SHARE. Besides, you never snuggle WITH Momma when she's napping ... you just sleep in the same room - usually on the floor - WHERE YOU BELONG.
EM: Come on, Bear. She's MY Momma too! My Daddy's working so I can't get snuggles from him for another hundred hours!!! I don't take up much room.
BC: I wouldn't fit anyway!
EM: Then maybe it's time for a diet. Hahahahaha. Lucky for you, I'm tiny and delicate.
BC: If by tiny and delicate you mean a bus! When you swing that butt around, you can take out whole cities!
EM: Like you have room to talk! You weigh more than I do. So if I'm a bus, that would make you a BLIMP! Hahahahahahaha.
BC: That's IT! {unsheathing his claws} Meet my little friends! ARRRGGGGGGG!
{Bear attacks Ellie and the cats roll around the bed waking Momma up}
MK: Huh ... wh ... STOP IT!
BC: Smelly was in my spot!

EM: I'm not smelly! YOU'RE smelly!

BC: Smelly Ellie ... hahahahahaha.
EM: Momma! Bear's looking at me funny! Tell him to stop!
BC: Tell SMELLY that it's just my face!
EM: Tell BEAR that I accept his apology. And by the way, I'm the better cat by not resorting to name calling.
BC: Why ... I oughtta ... better cat?!?! I'll OUT-CAT you any day! And every day! And ... and ... YOU'RE NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION!
{Ellie ignores Bear by grooming herself}
BC: HEY! I'm trying to nap over here! Momma! Tell Ellie that she's licking too loudly! Tell her she's slurping like she slurps from our water bowl!
MK: Bear ...
BC: HEY! MOMMA! Ellie just hit me in the face with her tail! AGAIN! Tell her to stop!
MK: Bear ...
EM: Tell Bear that he's just jealous his tail isn't as long and voluptuous as mine!
MK: Ellie ...
BC: Tell Ellie that it's not the size of the tail ... but how you use it. 
EM: Tell Bear that the only thing his tail is good for is hunting practice.

BC: Tell Ellie that I'm about to show her where to stick that tail!
EM: Tell Bear that he's on my side! The line is right here!
BC: Tell Ellie that I don't see a line.
EM: Tell Bear that it's an invisible line.
BC: Tell Ellie that I don't see an invisible line either.
EM: Tell Bear that if he saw an invisible line, he might have finally gone 'round the bend.
BC: Tell Ellie that she could insane-ize even the most sane of beings.
EM: Tell Bear that it's too late for him. He's one tasty whole chicken short of a funny farm.
BC: Tell Ellie to keep her butt out of my face!
EM: Tell Bear that he doesn't mind when he wants to lick it.
BC: Tell Ellie to bite me!
EM: Tell Bear ...
BC: OWWWWWWWWWWW! Tell Ellie to stop biting me! Momma?!?! MOMMA?!?! Where'd she go?
EM: {taking a break from biting Bear} She was here just a minute ...
BC: Look what you did! You annoyed her so much she went away! 
EM: I wasn't annoying her! You were annoying her! 
BC: This never happened before YOU got here!

EM: You told me she used to close herself in the closet when you annoyed her.
BC: This is all your fault! I needed Momma lovings! And she disappeared!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... THE CLOSET!
{Bear runs to the closet}
BC: It's open!!! Where did she go?!?
The Boy: Your Momma went grocery shopping!
BC: WHAT?!?!? I need lovings!
The Boy: Come here, Buddy Bear.
BC: From YOU?!?!
{Silence as Bear and The Boy stare at each other}
BC: {sigh} I guess beggars can't be choosers. FINE! But don't get all uppity and think this means anything!

The Boy: {sarcastically} How could I resist THAT?
BC: You can't! It's my curse. No one can say no to me! Well, except Ellie. But she doesn't count.
EM: {from the other room} HEY!
BC: {walking away} KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!
The Boy: Didn't you want some ear rubs?
BC: Nah. You're only allowed to touch me when Momma's here. It really ticks her off. HAHAHAHAHA.
{An hour passes ... Momma opens the front door and carries in groceries}
EM: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Do you have any ... FOOOOOOOOOD?!?!? 
MK: Nothing for you, Ellie.
EM: Bear's right! You're MEAN! How can you resist this face?!?!

MK: You don't need treats, Ellie.
EM: Well, I guess I don't NEED them ... but I want them.
MK: Still no. The Boy's giving me a hard time because he thinks you two are a bit ...
EM: Fluffy?!?
MK: That's one way of putting it.
EM: I'm sure my Daddy wasn't referring to me! I'm perfect!!!
MK: Go ask him! He said you're almost as fat as Bear!
EM: WHAT?!?!?! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
The Boy: I'm working!
EM: You told Momma not to give us treats?!?! No more Daddy's girl for YOU!

The Boy: Uh oh.
EM: I NEED REINFORCEMENTS!!! BEAR!!! Come here!!!
BC: {walking into the room} This better be good! I was in the middle of dreaming about a tortie orgy.

EM: For you, I'm sure an "orgy" means licking their butts like you do mine.
BC: What else would it mean?!?!
EM: Your gross-osity knows no bounds.
BC: So what does that make Momma?! She got curious - and instead of searching the internet for how many teats a cat has - she chased us around the house - and then counted our teats when she caught us! I felt violated! Dirty! USED! 

EM: If your teats feel used, something might be wrong with you and you might need to go to the vet.
{Silence}
BC: I'm just saying ... we're not guinea pigs!

EM: You're not a guinea pig, but a straight up pig?!? "Bear's Big Belly" is a thing! You even like to roll in dirt!
BC: The humans call you Ellie Belly! And Momma calls you a garbage disposal.
EM: And you lick my butt all the time ... so what does that make you?
BC: I didn't come out here AT YOUR REQUEST to be insulted.
EM: Momma's putting away groceries. She's ignoring my begging. I thought you might add some fat ... err ... I meant MUSCLE.
BC: What's in it for me?
EM: Are you really that stupid?!?! TREATS!

BC: You should've said that first.
EM: What else would we beg for?!?
BC: {seeing Momma} I'm so glad you're home! You were gone FOREVER, Momma! I counted!
EM: Phht! Like you could count that high!
BC: Do you MIND?!?! I'm working it!
EM: YOU?!?! WORK?!?!? Hahahahahahaha. You can even be bothered to cover your business in the litter box! And you call ME smelly!
BC: I help Momma ALL. THE. TIME.
EM: Help her stay awake?!?
BC: Phht. No. I help with messes ...
EM: You MAKE the messes!
BC: I help clean them up too!
MK: If by "help" you mean rolling in the mess.
BC: You're both picking on me!!! I thought we were supposed to be convincing Momma to give us ... {GASP}! 

{Pause}
BC: SHAME ON YOU, MOMMA! {not noticing Ellie's walking away} You won't give us a couple measly treats, but you bought a dozen doughnuts and two dozen cookies! If you keep eating like that, you ...

The Boy: {walking into the kitchen} Ooooh! FOUR boxes of Cheez-its! SCORE! Oh! And Snickers! 
BC: This is SOOOO unfair! What are we?!? Chopped liver?!? You BOTH should be ashamed! Oh, SURE. Give us a couple flakes of bacon a week and eat like kings the rest of the time!

The Boy: Your Momma gives you both a wet food treat each night ... and a couple extra treats every couple days. Neither of you are starving.
BC: ELLIE!!! {looking around} Where did she go?!?! Sure! Make ME fight all your battles for you ... but when I need a bit of backup ...
EM: {walking into the room} What's going on?
MK: Wait a ... what's that on your nose, Ellie?
EM: My nose?! Err ... nothing!
MK: Green dust?!? What did you get into?!?
EM: Nothing! I have some stuff to do. Bye.
{Ellie walks away}
MK: That was weir ...
{THUNK!}
MK: Now what?!?!
{Momma chases after Ellie}
MK: ELLIE MAE KAT!
EM: Uh oh.
MK: What is that?!?!
EM: Nothing?!

MK: {looking closer} That's the free sample bag of Meowijuana we got at the BlogPaws Conference! How did you manage to dig that out?!?! It was at the very bottom of a bag of papers and other information under ANOTHER bag of heavy stuff. 
EM: {sniffling} Ooooh! This is the GOOD stuff!
MK: Ellie! Stop chewing that bag ...
EM: {chewing and molesting the bag holding the green stuff} ARG! SNIFF!! SNIFF!!!!!!!!! SNORGLE ...


BC: {walking into the room} What's going on ... {GASP} MY CATNIP!!!! You ripped the bag open, you druggie degenerate! 
EM: {feeling GOOD} It ... was ... WORTH ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
BC: You distracted with me with Momma's shopping so you could have the bag all to yourself!
EM: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaah. Though now ... muchies ... no, wait ... MUNCHIES ... tweets!! Wait a ... not birds, TREATS!?!?! Did you get any of those treats?!?! 
The Boy: Hide my Cheez-its!
EM: I'm floating on a cloud! Now a disco ball! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm spinning right 'round baby! I'm HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH! Higher than a kite! Higher than the sun! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHH! Hmmmm ... high floor! No, no, "HI, floor!"
{THUNK!}
BC: You all get the good stuff! I'm SCREWED! You're ALL degenerates! It's like Saddam and Gonorrhea around here! 
The Boy: WHAT is he talking ...
MK: {whispering} Just leave it. When he's in a mood like this, there's no explaining anything.
{Ellie snores in the background}
BC: Well, THAT was anti-climactic.
{Bear runs over to Ellie ...}
BC: Of all the rotten luck! She fell asleep on the rest of the green goodness! I hate all of you! I should run away.
The Boy: Want help packing?
BC: Oh, WHO asked YOU?!?! 

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45 comments:

  1. Ellie sure did find the good stuff. Looks like she had such a good time too. You all have a great day.

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  2. Smelly Ellie? She sure smelled out that Meowijuana.

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    1. RATS! I hate when my words come back to bite me! ~Bear Cat

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  3. **GIGGLES**. We are from the South where Insane-izing is a rite of passage!

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    1. Heck ... my Momma passes that rite on a twice-weekly basis! ~Bear Cat

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  4. BC & EM.....next time MK goes two de stor...due knot let her bak in de houz less
    her haz what waz on YUR shoppin list !!! N joy de nip N de muncheez, cheez
    itz rock, sew doez perch pizza pie !! ♥♥☺☺

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    Replies
    1. That's a brilliant idea! Hmmm ... we have a few days to prepare ...

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  5. You two should just snuggle together and nap; we know that you want to!

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    1. Nap? ALWAYS. Snuggle with my sister? EWWW! ~Bear Cat
      The feeling's mutual! ~Ellie Mae

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  6. We're not furmiliar with dat purrticular nip, but we do like a good nip. And we 'specially like da vine of silver. 'Course, we also like a good treat. Mommy's pawfully jealous dat ya'll got donuts and cheezits. she luvs 'em both. MOL Ya'll enjoy all da goodies. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. We feel bad. If we lived closer, we'd definitely bring her some! And some goodies for you girls too!

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  7. Yeah.... dads just don't do the snuggles quite right, do they?

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    1. NO! They just don't get it! I stick my butt all up in The Boy's face and he just turns his head the other way. Ummm ... HELLO!!! PET ME!!! ~Ellie Mae

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  8. Insane-izing and gross-osity....mol mol mol this cracked mom up. Obviously words understood and used by all who are owned by cats at one time or another. Thanks for the fun post.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. My Mom was the master at making up words ... so much of what I write, I owe to her influence :)

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  9. Oh, good grief. What is next with you two? And, Mom...I am enjoying your comments on my posts. Thank you. I hope you join Sparks. I really think you would be an asset. HUGS.

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    1. I've been meaning to check it out ... somehow I am always a good couple weeks behind. Thank you :)

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  10. Oh! Ellie Mae is an opportunist - there's one in every household, right? :)

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    1. If by opportunist, you mean what's buried in the bottom of a bag with another bag on top ... but now I'm remembering Luke and the muffin. Hahahaha.

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  11. Glad to see you two getting along- MOL! Prancie loves cheeze its, you two should try them :)

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    1. My Momma told The Boy that we couldn't have Cheez-its! She ruins all our fun! ~Bear and Ellie

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  12. Ellie Mae...you're such a nip head. We see an intervention in your future.

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  13. Life at your house is always so exciting with lots of conflict. We have so much less drama and there are eight of us. We don't remember seeing a little bag of that meowijuana from the BlogPaws Conf. Our humans have been holding out on us! There may be some conflict around here tomorrow when we question them about this. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    1. There was a booth in the exhibit hall. I guess they decided to come at the last minute because they weren't on the list. They had meowijuana joints and medicinal use cards and everything! Momma's got her eye on the card for Ellie now ;)

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  14. AMARULA: Oh Bear!! What you are forced to endure with EM--I think she may actually be worse than Frodo and Zulu!! Though Frodo did steal my catnip once! But you and are are clearly on the same page-and I definitely share your philosophy When you say "BEAR DOES NOT SHARE!"

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    1. Maybe we can get rid of Frodo and Ellie if we convince them to meet in the middle and elope. I think she and Frodo would have a rollicking good time - not that that matters - but we'd be rid of them ... FOREVER! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Hmm Bear, I been pondering why cats don't have sugar and fat riddled nice products like doughnuts..... and biscuits..... and Snickers™ (other brands are available)? I mean, bar nip, we get all the dull stuff and don't get the pleasure of taking OUR peeps to the vets and watch them get jabbed either or a thermometer stuck. Where is the justice in the world? You ask for treats and cuddles and get a sister and your tail bitten! MOL
    Toodle pip and purrrs
    ERin
    PS Did you get your nip stash back? If not I'll send you some of mine for your peep to grow...

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    1. No, I didn't get it back ... even worse, Ellie found the SECOND bag too! At least Momma saved that bit before Ellie chewed through the bag. Momma swears she doesn't know how we got two sample bags ... but I have my suspicions ... ~Bear Cat

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  16. Ellie Mae, my momma has a hidden stash of catnip, too. It's not hidden anymore, though, because I found it. I made sure to scatter it all over the rug so that she learned her lesson. That taught her to hide nip from me. Purrs, Thimble

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    1. Oh, and of course we want to thank you so much for all of the kind words and support you offered for our pup Astrid! She is recovering and doing well now.

      You mentioned that Bear had a lipoma on his back, and that reminded me of one of my childhood dogs. We once found a pretty big (the size of a baseball) mass on her abdomen. It really alarmed us, and we took her to the vet for it. It was also diagnosed as a benign lipoma, but it sure did give us a scare to find such a large mass on her. We're so glad that Bear's was just a benign lipoma as well!

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    2. Thimble, you and I could rule the world ... and we'd let the boys think they own the kitchen ;) ~Ellie Mae

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  17. Mom has my Meowijuana nip stash hidden somewhere, Bear, but when I find it I'll have my courier send it to you. You might watch the skies for a lil' package toting pigeon. Tee hee hee! Say, maybe you ought to try some of the Boys Cheez-its, 'cause anything with "cheese" in it has got to be nom nom delicious! And you hit the gold mine if there are 4 boxes! Tummy tickles!

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    1. I'll send Ellie over ... she'll find it! And might charge a finder's fee! Just warning you! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Ah, there’s nothing better than helping yourself to the nip! The humans are way too stingy with the stuff!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Lily

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    1. No kidding! Can you believe Momma had the two bags for MONTHS and I didn't even know until Miss Grabby Paws showed up?!?! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Ellie Mae, good on you for finding that 'nip. How sneaky! You always seem to be one up on Bear, even though you don't mean it mol.
    Scout finds the catnip stashes each time, we now keep the bags in a tin, in a cupboard that kitty paws can't open.

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    1. Hmmm ... I'm thinking I need a tin like that ... for my stuff and for me when Ellie's her annoying self! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Thank you for reshaping this on the hop. Ellie Mae's expression is priceless, but oh so beautiful!
    So sorry that this is the last hop too.....
    Purrs
    ERin

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  21. No nip is safe when Ellie Mae is around! Better watch your stash, Bear!

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