Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Things that make you go hmph ...

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: The Boy


{The Boy's sitting on the couch ... Momma's napping in the other room ... Bear walks up to The Boy}
BC: AHEM.
{Silence}
BC: AHEM!!!!!!!!

The Boy: Hi, Bear.
BC: So how 'bout that weather?
The Boy: {looking around} What weather?
BC: Ummm ... the one OUTSIDE?
The Boy: What about it?
BC: Your lap.
The Boy: I'm not following.
BC: {sigh} I can't say I'm surprised.
The Boy: What do you want?
BC: Your lap. Is it available?
The Boy: For you?
BC: No. For Momma. Phht. Her doughnut butt would boy-cake you. OF COURSE, FOR ME!
The Boy: Hop up, Bear.
BC: Nope. I changed my mind.
The Boy: Okay.
BC: Well, if you INSIST.
{The Boy lets out an "OOF" as Bear jumps in his lap}
BC: Don't make too much of this. This doesn't mean that I like you or anything. Your lap looked lonely and I needed a place to sit.
The Boy: Is this so bad?

BC: YES!
The Boy: You can get down.
BC: Give me a minute.
{Bear kneads at The Boy's legs}
The Boy: Getting comfortable?
BC: No. I was going to snuggle with Momma but Ellie beat me to it. When I jumped on the bed and stuck my wet nose in Momma's ear, not only did Momma NOT pet me, but Ellie whacky-pawed me. Now I'm stuck with you.
The Boy: WHAT?!? I'm just better than nothing?
BC: I wouldn't go THAT far. You and nothing kind of run neck and neck. But if Momma wakes up and sees me in your lap, she'll have a coronary. Hahahahaha.
The Boy: HMPH. And here I thought our relationship had turned a corner.
BC: We don't have a relationship. Momma's taken.
The Boy: You can get down any time, you know.
{Silence as Bear continues to knead The Boy's legs}
The Boy: {sniff} {SNIFF} {SNIFF!!!} Oh, MAN! You farted!
BC: You're welcome. Don't say I never give you anything.
The Boy: HMPH.
{Bear jumps down}

BC: {AHEM} {to the tune of "Things that make you go hmm" ... by C+C Music Factory}
Things that make go hmph ...
Momma's in bed, napping like a fat cat,
Ellie's close, like Momma belongs to that brat.
I whacky-pawed her to next week,
But that pain in my butt ain't meek.
She sat there like she'd always been there,
I had to pretend I didn't care.
So I left the room and found The Boy,
Acted all friendly, played him like a toy.
I told him he shouldn't make too much of this,
If he told anyone I'd claw, bite, and hiss.
He was suspicious of me at first,
But his lap turned out to not be the worst.
A few moments was more than enough,
I went back to "I'm the shark" and being tough.
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph, hmph, hmph,
Things that make you go hmph.


{Momma notices something hanging out of Ellie's mouth}
MK: Ellie! Come here! OH, CRAP!
The Boy: What? What's wrong?
MK: Ellie has blood dripping out of her mouth! Help me catch her!
{Pause}
MK: Come here, sweetie! Let Momma look at your ...
EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! She's trying to kill me! She's trying to kill me! Or worse! She's trying to wipe my butt! Whatever it is, it must be bad because she's chasing me like a maniac!
MK: Stay still!
EM: NO!
MK: ELLIE!
{Ellie runs around the family room with Momma in pursuit}
{Bear watches them run one way, then another way, then back again}
The Boy: Leave her alone.
MK: I'm telling you! There's BLOOD dripping out of her mouth! Something's wrong! We have to take her to the ...

EM: Are you happy now?
MK: #$%@ A hot pink FEATHER?!?!
EM: I killed my toy duck!
MK: Phew.
EM: REALLY? I mean, REALLY?!?! Now I believe Bear. He told me there was a time you walked up to him on a regular basis just to make sure he was still breathing. Don't you have anything better to do?
BC: Hahahahahahahahahaha. What do YOU think?
MK: Don't you two have anything better to do than give me a heart attack?
EM: Says the woman that chased me around like a crazy for fifteen minutes!
BC: Hahahahaha. You're lucky she didn't step on you. Last time she nicked the edge of one of my paws - she chased me all over for forty-five minutes crying and apologizing. When she finally caught me, she cuddled me like a baby until I managed to get away!
MK: I was worried about you!
EM: I'm not impressed.
BC: You have to admit it was at least a little amusing.
EM: Just about as amusing as when she chases you around trying to brush your teeth.
BC: HEY! That's not funny at all!
EM: HMPH! Exactly.
BC: {AHEM} {to the tune of "Things that make you go hmm" ... by C+C Music Factory}
Things that make go hmph ...
Ellie kills her catnip feathery duck,
Momma runs after her like a headless cluck.
Momma sees blood drip from Ellie's mouth,
And that's when the whole mess goes south.
Momma's so sure Ellie is dying,
And that she'll be left crying.
Ellie freaks out and goes running,
That girl's got evasive cunning.
When Momma finally catches her,
She finds a hot pink feather caught in her fur.
Ellie certainly wasn't bleeding,
That stupid pink feather was misleading.
Now Ellie's really annoyed and pretty peeved,
But Momma's just totally relieved.
Momma's crazy, that's for sure,
For all our kitty wishes, there's no cure.
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph, hmph, hmph,
Things that make you go hmph.


{Ellie walks up to the couch where Momma and The Boy are sitting}
EM: La de da ... hmmm ...
MK: Come on, sweetness! Hop up here for some loves!
EM: HMPH.
The Boy: She's a cat! She doesn't do what you ask her to.
MK: Whatever you do ... don't jump up here!
EM: HMPH.
BC: {streaking into the room} TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS! TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS! That's why we're not allowed to jump up there!
EM: HMPH.
BC: {jumping on the couch} HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
The Boy: I can't decide ... is he just stupid ... or is he a lousy cat?
BC: EXCUSE ME?!?!?
MK: He just loves his Momma.
BC: I do not!
The Boy: Who feeds you, Bear?
BC: Err ... I love her a little. If she bought me tasty whole chickens and a cat hammock, I'd love her a lot!
The Boy: Before Ellie got here, you used to come to your Momma when she called you.
EM: {GASP!} You didn't!
BC: Erm ... I don't know what he's talking about.
The Boy: When she was laying on the couch or in bed, all she'd have to do is say your name and you'd jump up with her after a short, "Meow meow."
EM: And you call ME a suck up!
BC: I never did that!
EM: {snickers}.
BC: I didn't! If I came when I was called ... it was a coincidence! I didn't hear Momma call me ... I just wanted cuddles!
The Boy: You came running when she called you!
BC: HEY! I always pretended to show up like I didn't know she was there! Then I'd groom myself a little, look around, maybe sneak a peek out the window ... and only then would I jump up.
EM: So you admit it?
BC: NO! Err ... RATS! Every one picks on me! Every one makes fun of me! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! 
{Pause}
BC: {to Momma} And YOU! That's the LAST time I come when you call me!
EM: So you DO admit it!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP, ELLIE!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM} {to the tune of "Things that make you go hmm" ... by C+C Music Factory}
Things that make go hmph ...
Annoying sister, all up in my grill,
She's everywhere and doesn't chill.
She steals my catnip banana, my toys,
All I've worked so hard for, she destroys.
She hogs my Momma and mocks me,
It'd be easier to get rid of a flea.
She's a total suck up - with no excuse,
And I must put up with her abuse.
She attacks my tail without remorse,
I get in trouble for stopping her by force.
She's such a pain and never shuts her trap,
Even when I'm trying to take a nap.
I can't stand it but what can I do,
Please feel sorry for YOU KNOW WHO!
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph,
Things that make you go hmph, hmph, hmph,
Things that make you go hmph.
{Silence}
BC: WHAT?!?! No clapping? No applause?!? Momma?!? The Boy?!?! ELLIE!?!?! WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?!?!?! 

 {Bear hears snickering from the other room}
BC: I HATE YOU ALL! HOW RUDE!!!

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40 comments:

  1. Hmmmmm fur sure! Sometimes there's a lot of that going on around here!

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  2. Oh Bear, you are having a hard time living in the same world as people and cats!

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  3. MOLMOLMOL poor slack assistants who count your treats and make typos in your post make me crazy
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. TYPOS?!?! Momma made typos AGAIN!?!? She's TOTALLY grounded! Like FOREVER! ~Bear Cat

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  4. AMARULA: I'm clapping and giving you a standing ovation Bear!! Can you hear me?? And what's this about you sitting in the boy's lap!!??

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    Replies
    1. I had no choice! I was cold! I wasn't going to cuddle up with ELLIE! Give that girl a little warmth and she'll take it all! I'm so glad you like my performance, Miss Amarula. Most people don't appreciate me. HMPH! ~Bear Cat

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    2. I sure liked this post. jumping up to just stay warm. Always knew cats were smart.Hope you more warmth.

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    3. Some of us are smarter than others. My sister isn't nearly as smart as I am ;) ~Bear Cat

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  5. dood...ewe noe what they say bout pay bax; just due knot forgetz thiz

    ellie....see we toll ya BURD SKIN toyz sucked like de vacuum masheen;
    sure ewe N joyed.... but MK & de boy ......knot sew much sew ~~~~~~~

    ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. My Momma is way too overprotective. Like I didn't get to six years old on my own! ~Ellie Mae

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  6. Well, it just is never dull around your house. Good job Bear sitting in the boy's lap. You all have a good day.

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  7. Ya' know Bear, we always hear 'bout how your mommy brushes your teethies every day. But, how does Ellie like havin' her teethies brushed. Mommy's done it to us furever, but we still don't purrticularly like it. We were just wonderin' ifin Elle is dat purrfect. Big hugs fur all

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. No. Ellie doesn't let Momma brush her teeth. Ellie ends up with toothpaste all over her face. Thankfully, Ellie doesn't have the dental problems I do. Momma keeps trying at least once a week. Since she's six, it might take a little longer for her to get used to it. ~Bear Cat

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  8. Oh, EM, for a minute we got worried! So glad you just deaded a toy, that's all.

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    Replies
    1. My Momma was losing her mind she was so worried. ~Ellie Mae

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  9. Just a couple weeks ago Mudpie and I were in the basement. She was laying on top of a box watching me and I looked over to see something white coming from her mouth. My first thought was she'd gotten into something poisonous and was foaming at the mouth. It was a cobweb.

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    Replies
    1. I know the feeling. Panic is my middle name when it comes to my babies.

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  10. I'm clapping, Bear! I should write a song about Pierrot. I'm shocked about you sitting the boy's lap.

    Ellie looks gorgeous in that last photo!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you ... I don't get nearly enough appreciation for my performances around here. Ellie knows she's gorgeous too!!! Ugh. ~Bear Cat

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  11. There is always something going on over there. Hugs to all of you! Yes, all.

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    Replies
    1. We ***ALMOST*** feel sorry for Momma ;) ~Bear Cat and Ellie Mae

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  12. I, Marvelous, am most happy Kozmo and Jo Jo are gone.
    Kozmo is a suck and always wanted to cuddle with Mommy and I wanted to cuddle with Mommy too so we had cat wars...that made Mommy angry and Daddy would get out the mister and one of us would get damp when we were ripping out each others throats and Mommy would not cuddle with us because we were so excited from the wrestling and chasing that we would bite (but not hard)!
    So, I, Marvelous, may miss the running and fighting and chasing, but I am happy that I do not have to share the Mommy cuddles and pets!
    Purrs
    Marvelous

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    Replies
    1. Sharing Moms is tough! I'm not sure I'll ever like it ... except maybe when I misbehave and I can blame it on Ellie ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. Fear not, Bear, they just don't know a good thing when they see it. At least you have two peeps to work with, I have just the one and no siblings so have to make do with bringing home tasty whole birds if I want some fun in an evening.... OK that sounds way worse than it was meant to and I do eat them after so definitely NO kissing and telling MOL
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. But you don't have to SHARE your tasty whole birds ... or mice! We think your Peep is pretty awesome too ... better than my two put together anyway! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Oh wow, Bear! What a blast from the past! I used to love C+C Music Factory. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Whew. At first there, I thought my farting was the blast from the past ;) ~Bear Cat

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  15. Bear we're feeling your pain dude, we need a new P.A. as ours is just rubbish right now, how about we swap fur a bit? MOL

    Bestest purrs

    Basil & Co xox

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    Replies
    1. I bet we could put them together and STILL be dissatisfied!! We'll switch though .... especially if yours doesn't sing! ~Bear Cat

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  16. There's nothing worse than performing to no audience, right, Bear? (especially when you're so talented and it's unappreciated!)

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    Replies
    1. Ah. A cat's curse ... to forever be unappreciated. FOR NINE LIVES. The ignominy! The injustice! Hello? HELLO?!?!? RATS! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Thank you for the chuckle, I needed it. Good job deading your toy :) XO

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  18. Oh my goodness, how did we miss this post? Remember Me Thursday is one of our favorite days to post about! Together all of our voices can make a difference!

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