Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Surreal greatness

BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

{The Boy is working and Momma is at an appointment ... Bear jumps on The Boy’s desk with a THUD!} 
BC: HIIIIIIIII!

The Boy: Oh. It's just you. It felt like a herd of elephants landed on my desk in the midst of an earthquake.
BC: No. The herd of elephants is in the other room napping.
The Boy: What are you ...
BC: SMELLIE! 
The Boy: That's not very nice!
BC: I'm a CAT. I don't HAVE to be nice! I'm cute. 
The Boy: {sigh}.
BC: That was your cue to tell me I'm handsome. You missed your cue! But your quip is noted and will be dealt with the next time I'm feeling shark-y.
The Boy: What quip?
BC: About me jumping on your desk being similar to a herd of elephants in the midst of an earthquake. You call me fat all the time. But Smellie is even fatter than I am!
The Boy: Maybe you shouldn't call her Smellie ...
BC: A tank? A hippo? An elephantine grand prix? But enough about the herd of elephants ...
The Boy: Good grief. 
BC: I do give it pretty good, don't I? And I'm not even THE SHARK right now! But your joke about me being fat means you'll be visited by THE SHARK soon!
The Boy: Next time your Momma leaves us alone together, I'm going to remember to close the door to my office.
BC: Phht. Go ahead. I know how to use the door knob to open the door. Why do you think Momma doesn't even attempt to close a door on me? But getting down to business ... Am I too SEXY for you?! Come on ... say it!
{Pause as The Boy realizes he's not going to get out of this ... and changing the subject is his best bet}
The Boy: How's my Buddy Bear. Want scratches?
BC: Phht. From you? Nope! I have the NEED ... for esteem.


The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Get it?! The need for speed ... only for esteem?!
The Boy: Great.
BC: Since you're a little ... not dense in the head ... let me explain to you how this works. I walk in front of you and you admire me as I walk in front of you. So HIIIIII!
The Boy: This is what your Momma refers to as "prancing."
BC: Phht. SMELLIE prances. I work it like a completely alone-in-life, type-A workaholic with a looming coronary.
The Boy: Great. 

BC: I know I am! Tell me something I DON'T know!
The Boy: Oh, for ... your Momma will be home soon ... can't you just save this ... this ... act ... for her?
BC: "Save this for her." Nope. I'm this fabulous ALL THE TIME.
The Boy: {to himself} WHY ME?!?!
BC: Why else? I’m HANDSOME! There's a reason Momma calls me Mr. Stripe-y Handsome Pants.
The Boy: Get off my desk. I have work to do. And you're a little too close to my keyboard. After last time ...
BC: No! I like it here! Can’t you work around me?
The Boy: That's not how this works! I can't work AROUND you when your body is blocking my computer monitors. Get. Down. 
Now. 
BC: When I said AROUND me ... I didn't mean ACTUALLY around me. I meant you drop everything to tell me how fantastic and handsome I am. 

The Boy: Thanks for clearing that ...
BC: It's okay. I'm used to it. You're umm ... a little slow.
{Pause}
BC: Or A LOT slow.
The Boy: You interrupt my work and then insult me?!? Get down!
BC: Phht. Momma's learned to ignore me ... so you're my only chance to  ... you know.
The Boy: I know what?
BC: Good point. You can't know with your limited cognitive abilities. You're my only chance to be Bear Cat in full stereo. Momma doesn't put up with it anymore.
The Boy: {through gritted teeth} Please get down?!
BC: No, thank you. I like it here. It’s time for my nap. This looks like a good place. KEYBOARD. NAP. KEYBOARD. NAP.
The Boy: Not AGAI ...
{Bear lies on the keyboard}
The Boy: ARGH!
BC: What's YOUR problem? I SAID you could work around me!
The Boy: I can’t when you're lying in my way!

BC: REMEMBER?!?! When I said AROUND me ... I didn't mean ACTUALLY around me. I meant you drop everything to tell me how fantastic and handsome I am. You should get your ability to learn and remember checked out. I already said this LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES AGO!
The Boy: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!
BC: NOT my problem! I was here first! 
The Boy: That's not true! I've been sitting here since seven this morning - when I started work.
BC: Phht. I must remember to explain EVERYTHING to you. It's not your fault you're slow! Though you don't exactly HELP matters ...
The Boy: BEAR!
BC: WHAT?! I DON’T like you, and I never will! And I was here FIRST!
The Boy: Oh, for crying out loud ... I understand that much. But you seemed to like me a lot last Saturday.
BC: I have NO IDEA WHAT you're talking about!


The Boy: Last Saturday ... when you were lying on me in bed and you let me rub your ears?!? When your Momma woke up, you were still passed out and laying between my legs.
BC: How dare you speak of that?! We agreed to never speak of it again! Umm ... that never happened! I. HATE. YOU!
The Boy: Then hate me elsewhere! I have to work! 
BC: No. And you can’t make me!
{The Boy and Bear hear the front door open}
BC: Uh oh. I'm getting out of here!
{Bear jumps down and runs under the bed}
MK: {walking into the room} And here I thought I was going to walk in and catch you and Bear snuggling again!
The Boy: Don't ask!
MK: Bear?! I know you ran under the bed.
BC: WHAT?!?! You have eyes in the back of your ... EVERYWHERE!!! The Boy and I weren't anywhere near each other!
MK: I never said you were ... though since I didn't say that and you did ... it makes me think you cuddled up to your Daddy again?
BC: Nope. Never happened. He was in my way!
The Boy: Not exactly ...
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! You're always ratting a cat out! 

{Pause}
BC: {to Momma} I HATE HIM! If you don't make him leave, my shark will come out! He doesn't call me Bear "The Jaws" Cat for nothing!
MK: He's not going anywhere.

BC: That's IT! No more Bear Cat for you! NOPE! You don't appreciate what you have. I'm going to take my handsome stripy-ness elsewhere! 
The Boy: FINALLY!
BC: I heard that! You just wait! THE SHARK will visit you soon!
MK: What was that about? What happened while I was gone?
The Boy: Don’t worry about it. He's just being Bear ... I suppose.
MK: LIVE, OUT LOUD, AND AT FULL VOLUME!

The Boy: Lucky me.
BC: YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!

MK: Ugh. I’m glad I don’t know what went on when I was gone. 
The Boy: I wish I didn't know either.
MK: OH! But I'm so excited! We got a package!
BC: Did you say ... PACKAGE?!?!?
{Bear runs out to where Momma's opening the box}
BC: Ooooh! A box! I got something! I got something!!! What's in the package?! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!?!

MK: Give me a second to open it, Bear!
BC: {pacing around the box} Is this my Christmas present?! It's a BIG box! It's probably for me! A new servant?!? A cat hammock?!? And don't expect me to share with Smellie!
MK: Wait ...
BC: Did you get me tasty whole chickens for Christmas? 
MK: No.
BC: A tortie and some crab cakes?! 
MK: NO!
BC: You're sending Ellie back?!? 
MK: BEAR!
BC: You're packing up The Boy's stuff and telling him to take a hike?
MK: It's not for you. And The Boy and Ellie aren't going anywhere.
BC: How selfish! Not for me ... WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! It's always about YOU! What about ME?! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! You get everything ... and I get nothing! Hmmm ... did someone send you a lifetime supply of doughnuts? By chance, would there be any of the chicken or tuna-flavored variety!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Phht. Never mind. A box of doughnuts that big would only last you a week. Did you ask for a scale for Christmas?!? Or are you too embarrassed to admit you broke the last one?
{Momma takes the item out of the box}
BC: What's thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?

MK: Bear, I can't look at the contents if you stick your nose in my way.
BC: What's this ... IT'S A BAZOOKA! FINALLY! I finally got a bazooka! No wait ... it's a bit short ... it's a chicken cannon!!! You know what you need if you have a chicken cannon?
MK: A team of maids to clean up chicken innard spatters?
BC: Hahaha. No. CHICKENS! For chicken innard spatters for your maids, there would have to be chickens! WAIT! Watch where you point that thing!!! 
{Pause}
BC: That's a minimizer! You want to zap me and make me tiny. Or blow me up!!!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} NOO! That's the thing you use to beam me up to the alien ship! Give them Smellie instead! I refuse to be abducted by aliens. I'm not sharing my vast intellectual skills with anyone!
{The item clicks as Momma starts it up}
BC: She's loading the bazooka! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN for your lives!!!
{Pause} 
BC: {running in circles around the house as Momma watches ... back and forth and back and forth} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Momma's going to shoot me! Momma's going to shoot me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: {walking into the room} What's his problem?!
BC: {still running} WE'RE GOING TO DIE! {HUFF HUFF}. Don't say I didn't warn {HUFF HUFF HUFF} you! Shake your tail feathers! {HUFF HUFF} RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNN!
EM: How come I don't get the good catnip? If he thinks you're trying to kill him AND he thinks I have tail feathers ... he's on something good! We might consider an intervention.
MK: He's not on catnip. He thinks this is a bazooka.
EM: MORON! You finally got your new CAMERA! 
MK: Yep. I finally got a new camera. I'm excited but scared too. I have no idea what I'm doing!
EM: Don't worry. I'll be your model and your muse, but ...
BC: {still running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: How long are you going to let him run around here in panicked circles?
MK: The second best thing to an "off" button. Let him exhaust ...
BC: {still running} SHE'S TRYING {HUFF HUFF} TO KILL ME! {HUFF HUFF} SHE'S TRYING TO {HUFF HUFF} KILL ME! {HUFF HUFF} HEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!
The Boy: {from his office} If only I was so lucky ...
BC: {still running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: I don't think he noticed that you're not chasing him.
MK: He doesn't notice a whole heck of a lot - not even if it crawls up his butt and ends up stuck in his throat. He's just a bit ...
EM: SPECIAL? He's running around like a chicken with ...
BC: {stopping} Did I hear the word CHICKEN!?!?! Where? Where's the chicken? Is it in the box? Where's my chicken?!? {turning to Ellie} And how can you be so calm?!?! Oh, sure. You came from the alien ship ... so you're just biding your time until you go back. Women are from ... from ... err ... Pluiper? Merturn? Platypus?

EM: Venus?
BC: So you admit it! Women are aliens!
EM: Momma's a woman.
BC: No. She's a MOMMA! DUH!
EM: She's female.
BC: She's a woe-man! Hahahahahaha. Woe be the man that buys THAT cow! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Boy: {walking into the room} Why is Bear mooing again?
EM: Don't ask.
The Boy: I should know better. Oh, the irony. A CAT named BEAR who likes to MOO.
EM: No wonder he spends so much time in the closet. 
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
{Momma hits the camera button}
BC: HUH!?! It HISSED at me! DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! THAT THING hissed at me!
MK: It didn't hiss ...
BC: Oh, sure. Take ITS side! I understand! Marginalized in my own home! My fears minimized! Misunderstood! Neglected! Left to fend for myself on the mean streets in this ... err ... house! BYE!
MK: Bear, stop! It's my new camera.
BC: WHAT?! Why didn't you say that before? I have to get out of here! No photographic evidence! Follow me, and your new toy will end up in the toilet.

{Bear takes off}
BC: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Momma's got a new camera and she's not afraid to use it! 
EM: NOW WHAT?!?! He thinks everything is out to get ...
BC: OW.
The Boy: You just ran right into me! You should watch where you're going! Especially when you're running around here like a crazy pants!
BC: My pants aren't crazy! YOUR pants are crazy! MY pants are stripe-y and handsome! I wear the pants with pride!
The Boy: I wear pants! 
BC: Maybe. But you don't wear THE pants! And you've been a bit lax about the mandatory pants rule. Some things can't be unseen. 
The Boy: You make it sound like I walk around naked!
BC: Thankfully, you do not. Now, Momma on the other hand ...

MK: BEAR! I do not ...
BC: HEY! Don't point that thing at me! I'm getting out of here!
The Boy: Don't forget to run AROUND me this time!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! I'm getting out of here before Momma figures out how to use the camera! BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED ...

Thank you to The Boy for the inspiration for the first scene of today's post.

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34 comments:

  1. Hmm... Bear, we feel it's our duty to remind you that it's almost time for Sandy Claws to make his run again. And he's watching EVERYONE. So.. maybe chill with the shark for just a few weeks?

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    1. Thanks for the reminder! You're right! I'll try to keep my shark under control for a few weeks. No promises I'll keep my shark from Ellie though. ~Bear Cat

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  2. Good for you Bear, you and The Boy were really enjoying some man time together MOL!

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  3. We're sorry you didn't get any chickens. Maybe they are on backorder? ;-)

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  4. Bear I jumped on my Dad at 4:30 am....he was not happy....boys are like that ...yes they are.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  5. You do realise that when you stop running you will be expected to pose for lots of handsome photos.

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    1. Yes. Unfortunately. I wish I was in shape! {sigh} ~Bear Cat

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  6. Um, we're guessing we shouldn't hold our breath waiting for some awesome new photos of Bear in the near future? We think that new camera might be a learning process for more than just Momma Kat. :)

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  7. AMARULA: A camera? a camera?! Bear you must destroy it by any means necessary - no photographic evidence is key if we want to get rid of EM!! Mail it to me and I will hide it here in Canada!

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    1. It's the photo card! But I can't find it! A toilet should take care of that problem, right? ~Bear Cat

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  8. So Bear, you can't tell the difference between a bazooka and a camera? Can't wait to see what photos your mom can capture!

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  9. Snort! Gurrfle! Giggle! And my Mommy thinks I am crazy....
    What's that! YOU think that I am just like Bear!?!
    I NEVER!!!!
    Purrs
    Marv (and Mom)
    Can't wait to see some shots of Bear WITH the camera!

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  10. Meowza Bear! It looks like you've got your paws full, training the Boy and Ellie. This is the advantage of outnumbering the humans, they realize resistance is futile. Purrhaps you should add one more feline to your tribe to bring the humans into compliance.
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto and The Tribe of Five

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    1. Uuuuhhh. I think I'll stick with just one sister. She's even worse than both people combined! Don't tell The Boy that though ... he'll get all uppity! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, there's no need to run around and exert yourself. When MK aims the camera, turn your head, close your eyes, get up and turn around, etc., etc. I'm a pro at making sure the lady doesn't get a good picture of me. Of course, it helps that she isn't a good photographer. That all being said, we are interested in seeing you! Ellie too (sorry)!

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    1. Hmmm ... there are certain ways I can add a little something special to the shot she wasn't expecting, right?! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Bear, I seriously have no clue how you survive over there MOL!!! I am ALWAYS on YOUR SIDE!! Love from your pal, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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  13. Uh oh. Just think if Momma Kat gets proficient with that camera, Bear. It's going to be like living with the pawparazzi!

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    1. She's already taken over 300 pictures of us!!! She follows me everywhere! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Ooh new camera, nice! Does I take movies too, because if it does, Bear, this will be your big chance to break into the movies and buy a new pad for you and those tortoise babes you know! Anyways running is good for you, maybe you could do a work out video with the peeps new camera?
    Toodle pip and purrs
    ERin

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    1. Workout video?!? You mean EXERCISE?!?! NO THANK YOU! If my Momma can sit around eating doughnuts all the time, I deserve the very same at the very least (except tuna snacks instead of doughnuts!). ~Bear Cat

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  15. Oooh, your mama's going to have a fun with the new camera and a blast learning all its pawsome features.

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    1. She's already taken over 400 pictures with it! I've HAD it! I should go on strike. ~Bear Cat

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  16. Oh, Bear...you make me laugh out loud in every single post! Just some food for thought--I'm not sure torties find mooing "sexy." I'll bet that new camera's going to take some awesome pictures of you. :)

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    1. Err ... then what exactly DO torties find sexy?! Asking for a friend of course ... ~Bear Cat

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  17. Sorry I am so late this week. I can't wait to see photos of you Bear with your mom's new camera.

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    1. She's taken over 400 photos already! I'D be sick of me! ~Bear Cat

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