Friday, December 1, 2017

The funny farm

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

{Every morning, Momma gets up with The Boy and then lies down in the second bedroom to grab a bit more sleep while The Boy starts work}
BC: {thinking} OH! OH! I heard Momma get in bed! Where's The Boy?!? Stupid Dweeble Dee Dumbnuts always gets between me and Momma. OH! OH! He's working!!! Snuggle time for me! Snuggle time for me!!! Where's Smellie?!?! I don't smell her ... and the ground isn't shaking like there's an elephant grand prix around here ... so she must not be TOO close. OH! Bear Cat Kat gets to snuggle with his favorite Momma! WITHOUT Dweeble interference! Bear Cat Kat gets to snuggle with his favorite Momma! 

{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: {thinking} Then again, I guess she's my ONLY Momma ... so there's no real standard there. I mean, she's a little grabby sometimes ... my food bowl is always at least 6.90% empty and she doesn't understand that that means she's starving me ... she brushes my teeth and washes my chin! This used to be a good neighborhood before Dweeble Dee Dumbnuts and Smellie Neigh moved in. Though I guess there's no accounting for taste, right? I love my Momma! I love her SO MUCH. And I hate SHARING her. Phht. ESPECIALLY with doughnuts. Last night was HORRIBLE! She didn't wash her hands after eating doughnuts ... and when I required ear rubs, she got doughnut excrement in my beautiful fur! I still love her though. Well, except for when she "sings" and "dances," but I guess I really can't blame her for that. She was just born with her singing sounding like a smashed cricket. And who knew "constipated caterpillar" was a dance move. I suppose her talents lay elsewhere. Where, I have no idea. Probably somewhere south of Bumble-fart and east of Idiot-ville. Hahahahahaha. I crack myself up. Why isn't anyone laughing at any of this?!? I deserve an audience! A stage! A PUBLIC with devoted fans and idol worship. At the very least, a few roadies and a fan club.

{Pause}
BC: {thinking} Huh. Thank goodness no one can read my mind ... they'd all know what doofuses they are and what I really think of them! Doofusi?! Doofusae? Hmm ... not that I'm very good at keeping what I'm thinking a secret. It's just all kind of out there ... for better or worse. Not that I always get a word in ... Momma can talk and talk ... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. She just goes on and on and on and on! I'm more the silent type.
{Pause}
BC: {thinking} Or not.
{Bear jumps on the bed where Momma's about to nap}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Bear Cat reporting for snuggling duty! Satisfaction guaranteed! But NO refunds. Today ONLY! All this handsomeness for the bargain basement price of a tasty whole chicken farm. Takers? Takers? Do I hear TWO tasty whole chicken farms?!?

MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh, FINE! ONE tasty whole chicken.
MK: You've been eating turkey from Thanksgiving for a week.
BC: Did I say, "one, nasty because you cooked it, NOT whole turkey?" Because if I did, that would cover it.
MK: Ellie loves it.
BC: As if we don't already know her taste is questionable. I mean ... she prefers THE BOY to you! And WHY do you call her a garbage disposal?

MK: Okay, okay. You have a point.
BC: Enough small talk. Now cuddle with me! 
{Momma wraps her arms around Bear}
BC: Let me rephrase that ... cuddle with me! Phht. We all know you haven't made small talk since a good 14,692,509 doughnuts ago.
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: Yeah, yeah ... I love you too, Momma. PUUUUURRRRRRRR ... ooooooh ... ear rubs! OH! Just a little further back! A little to the right ... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's the spot ... ummm ... sleeeeeeeppy. PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURR ... Sleeeeeeeeeeeeee ... pur ... rrrr ... {light snoring}.
{Momma falls asleep quickly too ... all snuggled up with her favorite boy kitty}
{An hour passes ... and Momma starts to wake up}
MK: Snuggly ... warrrrm ... kitty ...
{Pause}
MK: {opening her eyes} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: Hi.

MK: What the ... where's Bear?!?
EM: How should I know? He's a stupid head.  I came in to snuggle too and he got all put out and left! Like there's not enough of you to share!
MK: It's like musical beds around here. I go from one bed to the next each morning ... Bear's here when I fall asleep - but gone when I wake up ...
EM: Personally, I think you should be grateful that I'm the cat that's here when you wake up ...
MK: Why?
EM: Because Bear's BEAR!
MK: He's not that bad ...
EM: How many times has he woken you up by sticking his wet nose in your ear? Or biting your ear?
MK: He just likes attention when he wants it.
EM: If I didn't know better, if he wasn't built like an over-sized tank, I'd say he's starving and relies on your body parts for sustenance.
BC: {from the other room} I HEARD THAT!
EM: So?
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie!
MK: I have to use the bathroom.
BC: Don't fall in!
MK: Great ... thanks.
{Momma does her business then comes back to find BEAR in the bed and Ellie gone}
MK: What are you doing here?
BC: WHAT?!? You can't at least PRETEND to be happy to see me? I thought I was the master of that game! "Oh, Momma! I'm so glad you're home!!!" Phht. 

MK: {sigh} Where's Ellie?
BC: Do I look like my sister's creeper?!
MK: What are you ...
BC: I don't follow her around and document everything she does! That'd just be creepy. 
EM: {from the other room} But your licking my butt ISN'T creepy?!?! I mean REALLY! If you licked any other part of me ... it wouldn't be so creepy ... but you only lick my butt!
BC: HEY! I have to make sure Momma's not sneaking you any food she's not giving me!
EM: EWWWWWWW! You're not just creepy ... you're crazy too!
BC: You live with Momma for ten years and tell me how you cope.

{Pause}
EM: {from the other room} @#$! the &^#%! Where are all my sparkle balls?!? I have nothing to play with! I'm screwed! I'm ...
MK: {from the bedroom} You have a TON of toys.
EM: But I don't WANT to play with any other toys. I want my sparkle balls! I'm sparkle-ball-less!
BC: Phht. Now you know what it feels like!
EM: What?!?
BC: Being ball-less. Waking up to find that one has no balls!
EM: I really don't really think we're talking about the same ...
BC: You should've seen my balls! 
EM: No, thank you.
BC: They SPARKLED! They even glowed in the dark. But ... NOOOOOOO ... no kittens for Bear Cat! 

EM: You can't share with me - but you'd be okay with kittens?
BC: Phht. Only if they lived with their mother! I have a bad-boy lifestyle and street cred to consider.
EM: You sleep eighteen hours a day!
BC: Phht. I accomplish more in six hours than most people do in a lifetime. 
EM: Besides, destroying things and doing things you shouldn't doesn't count.
BC: What kind of cat ARE you?!?
The Boy: {from the other room} THE GOOD KIND!
BC: Cat-kind couldn't ponder more than one of me. I broke the mold.
EM: Thank goodness for that!!! You broke the mold because you're fat. Not because you're one-of-a-kind.
{Pause}
EM: Let me rephrase that ... you broke the mold because you're fat. You ARE one-of-a-kind ... but that's not really a good thing.
BC: Then again, I'd probably be broke paying all that kitten support.
EM: You're ALREADY broke. You don't have two chickens to rub together to get a FEATHER ... much less a drumstick.
MK: {from the other room} Meow meow meow meow m'ow m'ow m'ow, m'ow m'ow m'ow. Meow m'ow m'ow m'ow m'ow m'ow m'ow.
The Boy: What are you meowing? Please tell me you're not trying to talk to the cats in their own language again.
MK: A song from The Nutcracker.
The Boy: More like the cat-cracker. Hahahaha. Get it? Meowing ...
BC: HEY! I'M not a cracker! YOU'RE a cracker! I'm 100% tabby gorgeousness!
The Boy: You have handsome pants.
BC: WHAT did you just say?
The Boy: I said your stripes are handsome pants.
EM: Phht. If you think prison stripes are handsome! They mainly just make his butt look bigger than it is.

BC: Only my Momma's allowed to call me handsome pants! What's wrong with you!?! 
{Pause}
BC: No, never mind. I probably don't want to know what's wrong with you. You DID ask my Momma to marry you - and you think Ellie is a good cat ... 
The Boy: Nothing's wrong with me! You're the one that looks like a furry meatloaf! Or a blob of something gelatinous.
BC: You could lay off the fat jokes. You know it's not polite to comment on a princess' weight, right? Even a MALE princess.

The Boy: You've GOT to be kidding me. I'm sorry for not being up on male princess etiquette.
BC: You SHOULD be sorry!
The Boy: Do male princesses get food stuck on their noses?
EM: Hehehehe. TRUE STORY!
BC: Momma thought it was adorable!
The Boy: She also thought the goslings were adorable. And Ellie.
EM: HEY! I AM adorable! Have you ever noticed that whenever I squawk at Momma she picks me up and loves on me?!? CUTE! Or when I bunt my face against her face. CUTE. Not to mention how I stretch out on Momma or Daddy's lap so they can pet me from head to tail in one stroke. Paws on their shoulder?! CUTE!!!

BC: Oh, yeah? You BIT Momma's nose the other night. You were bunting and you bit Momma's nose.
MK: That hurt.
The Boy: It was just a love bite.
MK: But it hurt!
BC: {sigh} Speaking of adorable, I guess there's no accounting for taste ... especially when we're talking about Momma. Then again, the image of her trying to guide the goslings away from the road makes up for just about anything. Making a honking noise? Flapping her arms like wings? She's lucky she didn't get picked up by animal control as rabid.

The Boy: Make fun of her all you want, but you walked around for a good half hour with a small bit of chicken stuck to your nose. And your Momma was laughing even harder than I was!
MK: But it WAS adorable. I wish I'd gotten a picture of it.
BC: You were chasing me around trying to get a picture?!?! I thought you were trying to kill me!
The Boy: That made it even funnier!
BC: How rude! You all were LAUGHING at me?!?! 
The Boy: If it makes you feel better, it wasn't the first time.
BC: What?!? I'M the laughingstock of this funny farm?!?! I've got so many embarrassing incidents on all of you!
{Silence as Bear looks toward The Boy ... and then Momma}

BC: I hate you all!!!
MK: Oh, come on, Bear. We love you. Ear rubs?!?
BC: HMPH.
MK: PLEASE?!?
BC: No!
MK: Pretty please?
BC: Pretty NO!
MK: Come here, Bug ...
BC: BUG OFF! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: Momma ...
MK: I love you, Mr. Handsome Pants.
BC: I love you too, Ms. Doughnut Huge Pants.
{Momma reaches for Bear}
BC: NO! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I'm not going to ... PURRRR ... one step ... PURR ... closer and I'll PURRRRRRRRR ...  HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSS!
{Pause}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
{Pause}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
{Pause}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
{Pause}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
EM: What's wrong with him? Why's he vibrating like that?

BC: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
{Pause}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
The Boy: Smoke is coming out of his ears!
MK: I don't know whether to grab him or take cover.
EM: Is this what they call a love/hate relationship?
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
{Pause}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
The Boy: He's going to blow! He's going to blow!
{THUNK!}
EM: He just toppled over! Is he broken?

MK: I think he just overheated.
EM: OOH! Can I dump a bunch of water on him?!? PLEASE?!?!
BC: {opening one eye} I wouldn't recommend it. I'm ready for my award ... that was a Cat-emy Award-winning performance!

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32 comments:

  1. oHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOUR MOM GOES BACK TO BED AND YOU LET HER? MOL MOL Once I'm up the world SHOULD be up
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the only time I get to cuddle with her, ALONE! Otherwise, I have to contend with The Boy or Smellie! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Yep, tag team kitteh snugglers... we do that too. And Ellie, we luff that close up. Your nose is so satiny and pretty.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amarula:Oh Bear! If you snuggles with me I would never let any other interlopers interfere! And I would certainly never get donut goop in your fur

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SOLD! No tasty whole chickens required. Just love ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. Poor Bear, life is challenging sometimes. Hey, the Funny Farm? Isn't that where they raise funky chickens?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funky chickens?! I'm not sure I like the sound of that! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. Oh, the Mom here wishes she could go back to bed. The cats here would have an attack of hunger if she did that. You all just need to work things out. Have a good weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma's lucky! Then again, we free feed - but get a wet food treat at the end of the day.

      Delete
  6. Bear, we bet you were saving that little piece of chicken for later when you wanted a snack, right??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EXACTLY! Can you think of a safer place to store it?!?! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. "Donut excrement." HAH! That was a good one, Bear. If TW went to sleep with her arm around me, she'd wake up bleeding and chewed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've got street cred to uphold ... but I like Momma snuggles when it's on my own terms! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Mom here never goes back to bed. BTW...Allie bit Mom on the lip the other day. Not quite the same as biting on the ear but it gets a response!

    The Florida Furkids

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ellie has no room to talk! She bit Momma on the NOSE last week! ~Bear Car

      Delete
  9. Cuddling in the morning is my Favorite...Mommy says that might not happen when our company comes..I'm thinking maybe I don't want company for Christmas...
    Purrs
    Marv

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bravo, a simmering smouldering performance, Bear! I do believe, if you get nominated, you should get the Golden Tasty Chicken Award.... not sure what they're called, is it a Saunders?
    Toodle pip
    Erin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Golden Tasty Chicken Award?!?! How do I get nominated?! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. How nice. MK is never without a snugly kitty. If you film her doing the "constipated caterpillar," it would probably go viral!

    ReplyDelete
  12. That was an outstanding performance, Bear. Eric used to bite his dad right in the middle of his nose to wake him up. It always worked well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The more we learn about your handsome boys ... the more we love them!

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  13. Your house sounds like ours, I am always relocating to the spare room bed when I can't sleep or when the hubby is snoring. Bear, I wish you would call Ellie , Smellie.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Bear, sounds like you have it so bad there. Guess ya' could pack your bags and head out into da big bad world? MOL Sometimes havin' a sisfur can mean ya' don't have to sleep da whole time mommy wants. Ya' know, you can take a break and go play while da sisfur takes a cuddlin' turn. Works fur me. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... you should provide sibling consulting services! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. That sure was a Cat-emy Award performance, Bear! I ap-plaw-d you! My Mom sometimes play musical beds, too. I'll sleep wherever it is the warmest! I wonder if the balls I used to have were sparkly or glowed in the dark like yours did. MOL. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMC, I'd like to see what happens if you dumped water on him! I don't think that would be very pretty...

    ReplyDelete