Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Younger siblings SUCK!

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: You know how Ellie's all up in my business all the time?
MK: Ummm ... that's not exactly how I remember it ... YOU'RE the one that licks her butt.
BC: What's your obsession with butt-licking?!?! Like you've never licked your butt before?!? 
{Pause}
BC: {mockingly} Oh, yeah! I'm a human! I'm TOO GOOD to lick my own butt! Nooo. Instead of trusting the genius of a tongue and a little elbow  ... err ... tongue grease, I buy special paper to wipe my butt with.

MK: Yuck.
BC: Don't knock it until you try it.
MK: No. Thanks.
BC: Before Ellie, you used to parade around talking about how I lick my butt - like it somehow represented some part of my character. And now you do the same thing - only about me licking her butt. Why do you care whose butt I've been licking?
MK: "Whose butt I've been licking?" That sounds like the bad cover of a country song ...
"Whose butt has your tongue been licking? 
Whose butt gets your heart kicking? 
This time did it taste like chicken?"
BC: UGH! I don't know what's worse ... your "singing" or that song!
MK: You don't like my singing so you ask me to stop.
BC: No. I TELL you to stop!



MK: Ellie doesn't like it when you lick her butt.
BC: And that's MY problem?!? She follows me around and copies me!

MK: {sigh} Never mind. So what do you need?
BC: A cat hammock ... a tasty whole chicken farm ... tuna ... a fish aquarium ... being rid of The Boy and Smellie ... a new bed would be nice ... maybe a catio?
MK: {sigh} No. I was asking what you wanted to tell me about Ellie being in your business all the time.
BC: I DON'T LIKE IT! That girl sticks her nose all up in my business!
MK: {sigh} Let me rephrase that ... yes, I know how Ellie's all up in your business all the time.
EM: {from the other room} NO! I'm not!
BC: Whatever, SMELLIE. I'm not accepting feedback from the flea-butt gallery.
EM: {from the other room} It's PEANUT gallery, you MORON!
BC: I think I know what I'm talking about!
EM: {from the other room} You're a big dummy.
BC: You're a BIG TUMMY!
EM: {from the other room} Pest.
BC: Detest.
EM: {from the other room} You're BLESSED!
BC: You're NOT best!
EM: {from the other room} Shut up.
BC: NO! YOU shut up!
MK: That's it! BOTH of you shut up!
BC: Sheesh! What's YOUR problem?!? Someone crawled out of the wrong side of the litter box this morning. 

MK: Bear ...
BC: SEE?!?! Just as I was saying! She's all up in my grill! ANYWAY, I need to come up with a plan to keep her occupied. She's rather ... challenged ... and very simple ... so maybe tell her to watch a wall or something? Then she'd be too busy to follow me around. She's been interrupting my naps! I have a very strict nap schedule and she's been mucking it up! 


{Pause}
BC: Yesterday, I went a whole HALF HOUR without even a wink of shut-eye. I almost didn't survive!!! I fell asleep later in my food bowl!!! And you know what Smellie did then?
MK: Uh oh.
BC: She ate from the kibble bowl ... AROUND me! Like she couldn't be bothered to go to her own bowl! I could've been dead from starvatation and she ate AROUND me!!!
MK: Your starvatation is a bit suspect.
BC: Don't be so sure! I only weigh thirteen and a half pounds now! I'm down-right skeletal.
EM: {from the other room} Skeletal ... for a hippo!
BC: I hear a mosquito. Do you hear the mosquito, Momma?
EM: {from the other room} Then quit talking!
BC: Quit annoying!
EM: {from the other room} Then quit destroying!
BC: HEY! Quit rhyming the words I say! And just so you know ...  my redecoration services are top rate! The couches, the blinds ... and I never hear a "thank you, Bear?" There's no such thing as free kibble. 



EM: {from the other room} More like there's no free morons.
BC: More on what?
EM: {from the other room} Thanks for proving my point!
BC: Hmph. ONE point. I have TWENTY-TWO points ... you don't want to meet my little friends!
EM: {from the other room} Your "little friends" were removed years ago.
BC: At least I HAD them! You're obsessed with balls because you've never had any yourself!
EM: {from the other room} Lot of good it did you.
BC: HEY! I sowed my wild oats for eight months before Momma kitty-napped me from my concubines.

EM: {from the other room} Phht. You couldn't even get porcupines! And they're used to pricks!
BC: Phht. At least I only had to lose my balls once! You lost every single sparkle ball! You should keep track of them.
EM: {from the other room} Yeah. Because you kept such good track of YOUR balls?!
BC: Shut up, SMELLIE.
EM: {from the other room} You started it!
BC: No, YOU started it!
EM: {from the other room} Shut up!
BC: You shut up!
MK: BOTH of you shut up!
BC: Someone had a stinky poop on the non-stinky poop side of the litter box!

MK: What?
BC: It sounded better in my head.
EM: {from the other room} And yet you never learn to just keep it there!
BC: And you never learn to stay out of my business!
EM: {from the other room} I wouldn't want to be in your business even if it was a tasty whole chicken farm!
BC: You have a big mouth!
EM: {from the other room} You have a big belly!
BC: You haven't earned any stripes!
EM: {from the other room} Like I want to look like a convict. Besides, they make your butt look bigger than it already is!
The Boy: THAT'S ENOUGH!!! Both of you! I'm trying to work!
BC: Phht. Because all he can do is TRY to work.
EM: {from the other room} You sleep eighteen hours a day. You have no room to talk.
{Momma closes the bedroom door to stop the cats from arguing}
BC: Back to what we were talking about before I was rudely interrupted. Smellie makes me exercise! She's like a rabid personal trainer - always chasing me - getting in my face. Sometimes a guy just wants to be a couch tomato and lurk in corners!

MK: Potato?
BC: Stop changing the subject!
MK: So what's your plan to occupy Ellie?
BC: Occupy? Is that some kind of boy/girl thing? "They're having occupation!" I want to stay as far away from her as I can. Or occupy in the sense of being possessed by the vet?
MK: Vet?
BC: THE DEVIL! Occupying her evil mind.
MK: So you keep trying to smack it out of her?
BC: No. Phht. Even I know you can't smack some sense into that girl! That's why she and The Boy get along so well. Dumb dumb dumb ... the problem with her is that she's too stupid to have a REAL job.

MK: By occupy, I meant keep her busy. 
BC: How?
MK: I thought you wanted to tell me your ideas! And you don't have a real job either.
BC: Whatever. I've noticed that many of the torties and lady gingers I've got my eye on - also have annoying brothers. If I fix the brother problem, they'll be so grateful to me for distracting the dimwits, they'll feel indebted to me and I'll get a little sumptin' sumptin' growin' in my grill!
MK: So what does that have to do with Ellie?
BC: SMELLIE knows how to wave her tail around like it's as hot as mine. Since the brothers are too stupid to respect their sisters, they'll be dumb enough to chase Smellie. She'll bring all the boys to the yard. AHEM ...

{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "Milkshake" by Kelis} Her earthquake brings all the boys to the yard.
And she's like it's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours.
She can teach you but I'd have to charge.

MK: Okay. Okay. That's enough.
BC: Hahaha. Get it? When she runs around, the floor quakes like it would for an elephant drag race! And she runs around flipping her tail all over the place. I could make money for my tasty whole chicken farm retirement plan and get some tortie and ginger bass in the grass.
MK: You don't see the irony?
BC: In being a tortie and ginger lady boy toy?!
MK: No. In talking about annoying brothers.
BC: I'm not annoying! I'm SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXY.
EM: {sitting outside the closed door} THAT'S debatable!

BC: GO AWAY!  Keep moving left until you're outside!
EM: {sitting outside the closed door} But all my stuff is in here!
BC: Correction ... all MY stuff. I just let you use it.
{Pause}
BC: Oooh! That gives me an idea!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: VERY funny!
MK: What?
BC: I can tell her to guard stuff - like my catnip banana. She's in charge of it not disappearing. She doesn't know that it can't sprout legs and walk away.

MK: The job Kitty gave you all those years ago?
BC: Hmph. No. She told me she'd let me outside to do my man-cat stuff and promised to let me back in when I was ready. That and she convinced me that I'd turn into a black cat if I sat in the corner enough. Or the time she told me to keep the litter box warm for her and never came back.
MK: So now you know how she felt?
BC: About what?
MK: Annoying younger siblings!


BC: I wasn't annoying! I was adorable!
MK: At least Ellie doesn't follow you in the litter box like you did to Kitty.
BC: But she poops on the wrong side of the litter box! She plays with and loses my toys! And she eats my food and drinks from my water ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Younger siblings SUCK! I know! I was one!

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54 comments:

  1. Bear, what you need to do is send Ellie off on a work experience scheme. Or better still you two have an adventure together. I think that would be really smart, like Mr and Mrs Smith?! As the say, the Devil finds adventure for idle paws....
    Toodle pip and purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures in Tasty Whole Chicken Land?!?! Sign me up! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Wow, how long haf you been living in OUR house? We has the SAME fights efurry day. Only our the mom just yells SHUT UP all the time and never pawticipates past that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The very least my Momma could do is take my side! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. You two are very cute. Mother NEVER gets that many pictures of us being almost copy cats. When Lola first came to live here we didn't get along at all and she annoyed me. Now she ignores me, but she will let me lick her head. She can be annoying. Love,Lexy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma didn't even mean to! She went through pictures for a post and kept finding us in similar poses. Don't tell anyone, but I might actually be the copy cat here! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. Aww... she follows you around and copies you because she loves you and wants to learn from you :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yep, Ellie has to learn from someone.... Maybe she didn't have any brofurs before? Mom got me, Toby, when I was 3 weeks old, so she knows everything about me. But Leia came along at 6 months, so we really don't know her history. And she won't talk about it. Maybe Ellie looks up to you more than you know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I got Bear at 8 months and Ellie at 6 years. I missed both kittenhoods! And there's much I don't know - which might be a blessing.

      Delete
  6. I was remined recently that being young isn't easy Bear, there are a whole lot of NO words involved!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't have a younger sibling........but I do have a older human sibling and sometimes she hisses at me...BUT that is because I hiss at her first. MOL How dare she come to my house smelling of her kitties. I can't find them so I think it is her
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
  8. guys....bye anee chanze due ya noe copee N paste !!! we lovez theeze fotoz ! ♥♥

    they bee awesum.....N just sayin.....but we wood eat bass terd chckn bee for
    we had ta listen ta de food servizz gurl.....sing.....if thatz even de werd ta use !! ☺☺

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bear, I'm thinking that Angel is in 100% agreement with you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sorry Bear, as a younger sibling to a sister 8 years older, I must say I feel the opposite :) I love these photos of you two together. XO

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hmmm...what goes around, comes around, is that what we're seeing here, Bear? If only you knew these things when you were younger....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wasn't NEARLY as annoying as Ellie is though! Err ... mostly. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. thank COD I can stink up my litterbox on as many sides as I like! catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey Bear. Has Ellie ever climbed into the litter box when you were doing your business?? Ernie did that to me once. Now that sucks! ~Wally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did that to Kitty a couple times. I was just trying to be helpful and cover her business! How was I supposed to know she wasn't done yet?! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  14. Trust me, BC...I know and share your pain.
    Your fur-iend,
    Sam 🐾 [big brother to an obnoxious little sister who's a freaking Ninja]

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sorry Bear, but you two look super cute together ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
  16. We think you may be a tad over reactive with regards to Ellie's so-called "infractions", Bear. If a picture paints a thousand words...it looks as though you two are getting along really nicely ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

    P.S. Bear, I know all about bratty little sisfurs! Love, Duffy XO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yours are bigger than you, Duffy! At least I have a bit of a size advantage! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  17. Don't hate us for saying this, Bear, but we happen to think you and Ellie look adorable together. You even posted the photographic evidence.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Bear, I never thought I'd say this to a boycat but .... I do feel your pain. ~ Allie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa. I can't even imagine putting up with TWO brothers! You must do a lot of butt kicking over there! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  19. Well, Bear, maybe you could come vacation with me for awhile? I'm a black kitty like Ellie, so would that be a purr-oblem? I would share my toys & I could introduce you to my Tortie neighbors? I think they like striped gents. Mom could take you to the local chicken farm. Tee hee hee. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd love to come visit. Maybe take a turn on the Black Floof?!?! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  20. Bear, this ginger girl has a younger sibling and he is sooooooo annoying! He took over a lot of things that were mine. He likes to pounce and chase me. I’d pay to get him off my paws

    Guess what? In lieu of a tasty whole chicken, I discovered canned chicken from soup. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SEE?!?! I KNEW it! The way to a girl's heart is through neutralizing her brother(s). ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  21. I may need to come over and give you some lessons on bossing siblings around. I run this house like marine Sargent - dog, rabbit, and mice all do what I tell them. Wait why is everyone is laughing ...

    XOXO Rosie THE BOSS Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe you. If the others are laughing, it's probably at some mindless drivel that we're too smart for! I guess we can't choose our family ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  22. Gosh! Mr Bear, am I going to be treated like you treat Ellie when my Big Brother and Sister ger her at Christmas?
    Maybe I don;t want them to come now...
    Purrs
    Marv

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just give them plenty of space. We're sure they'll love you!

      Delete
  23. Oh, Bear. Ellie just wants to learn the ropes from the best (you, dude)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couldn't she learn them just a little farther away?!?! Like maybe ... a couple states away?! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  24. Ah No Bear, younger siblings mean that you have somepawdy to blame fur all the messes you make and broken stuffs you leave in your wake. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if your younger sibling is the one making the messes and breaking stuff? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  25. OMC your song lyrics are cracking me up. You know, Shania Twain is a huge animal lover. I wonder what she'd think of your changes to her song? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oy Vey Bear, I feel your pain!
    As the "middle feline" I suffer from younger sibling harassment syndrome! Tucker is the Alpha and too big for anyone to mess with. Jasmine is still hiding out in her section of the house so I'm left to deal with the two idiots, errrr, younger cats. Just consider yourself lucky. You've only got one younger sibling to deal with. The two idiots that live with me will tag team me and chase me all over the house. Sometimes they sit at the top of the stairs and keep me from getting to the rest of the house. Nobody knows the trouble I see.

    In solidarity with you and all other beleaguered felines with younger siblings,
    Your Stressed Out (and often sleep deprived) Friend,
    Lily

    ReplyDelete
  27. MOL! I think Smellie, I mean, Ellie could definitely get Woodrow to chase her! And Olive would thank her. Er, I mean thank YOU, Bear.

    ReplyDelete