Tuesday, January 30, 2018

For France

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {walking into the room} What are you two doing?
BC: Nothing.
MK: Ellie? What are you two doing?
EM: I don't know.

MK: You don't know what you're doing?
EM: I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I want to tell the truth ... but ...
BC: SUCK UP!
EM: Well, I'm supposed to say ...
BC: PHHT!
EM: If I don't say we're doing nothing, Bear will beat me up. 
MK: Okay. If you WERE doing something, what would you be doing?
EM: I ...
BC: SHHH! That's a trick question! I'm telling you ... Momma's tricky! She always manages to get me to confess to stuff! Even when I didn't do it!
MK: Oh, really? 
BC: YES! 
MK: Because I think I have pictures of most of your misdeeds.
BC: Err ... NUTS! Lots and lots of NUTS! That camera needs to die.

{Pause}
BC: SEE?!?!?! She tricked me!
MK: So what are you two doing?
EM: Ummm ... we're not doing anything?
BC: You're not ASKING her! You're TELLING her!
EM: We're ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: ... talking.
BC: PHEW! You almost told her we were ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! See what I mean?!?! Momma's always trying to trick me!
EM: Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem like she'd be able to trick you over and over again unless you're stupid.
BC: HEY! I'm not stupid! YOU'RE stupid!
EM: Momma doesn't trick me!
BC: You're just a big brown noser!
EM: My nose is black!
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie!

MK: So what were you two talking about?
BC: Nothing.
MK: Ellie?
BC: Exactly.
EM: HEY! I'm not nothing!
MK: {sigh} Ellie, what were you two talking about?
EM: Nothing.
MK: If you WERE talking about something, what would it be?
BC: Cat stuff.
EM: HEY! You said not to answer her because she was trying to trick us!
BC: IF we were talking about something, it'd be cat stuff. You know, stinky poop litter box etiquette ... which came first, the chicken or the pot pie ... who let the dogs out where ... napping within blowing reach of the heating vents ... and revenge.
MK: Revenge for what?
BC: The real question should be what we DON'T want revenge for.
MK: Start somewhere ...
EM: For France!
MK: France? What'd I do to France?
BC: And I quote: "I see Paris, I see France ... I see my own underpants."

EM: Hahahaha. That was kind of funny!
BC: Shut up, Ellie! Stupid suck-up! Don't encourage her! It was funny the first time. But over and over and over and OVER and OVER ... not so much. It gets stuck in your head ... and spews out in verbal diarrhea.
MK: You did sing it the other night.
BC: EXACTLY! Who do you think I learned it from?
MK: The gift that keeps on giving.
BC: "Gift" may be a bit inaccurate. It's even worse than the pooping song!
MK: HEY! The pooping song was your creation!
BC: Well, I wasn't expecting some idiot to sing it over and over again until ...
MK: {to the tune of "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"}
Oh! Pooping, pooping, pooping,
I make it out of $#!+,
And when it's nice and juicy,
In the litter I will sit.
{The Boy groans from the other room}
BC: Great. Here we go, AGAIN!
MK: Well, I ...
BC: And the worst part?!?! I thought that nonsense was NORMAL for adults! "I see Paris, I see France ... I see your stripey underpants." Hardy har har. Dancing around like a constipated caterpillar meanwhile singing like a dying cricket high on something ... meowing to popular tunes ... I went for eleven years thinking humans were completely inane and foolish. Then The Boy moves in and confirms it.

MK: BEAR!
BC: No. Kidding on that last part. Him rolling his eyes at you tells me he and I aren't the problem ... if you know what I mean. All this time, I thought all humans were like YOU ... but no. You're special.
MK: When I was a kid, I would've been spanked if I did the underpants ditty.
BC: There's probably a reason for that. IT'S ANNOYING!!! I mean, you're annoying enough on a good day ... You don't exactly need help.
MK: I don't know about ...
BC: Oh, so what isn't wise for a child is a must for you?
MK: Well, it's not like I'm HURTING anyone.
The Boy: You're hurting my ears!
BC: Not all hurts can be seen, Momma.
MK: Okay, okay. What else are you seeking revenge for?
BC: You mean hypothetically? Or is that a trick question?
MK: {sigh} Yes, hypothetically.
BC: You parading around the pictures of me and The Boy. I'll NEVER live that $#!+ down. NEVER. I have street cred to uphold! "Oh, that Bear is a bad-a$$ mother-meower ...  Except when it comes to snuggling with The Boy." Hahahaha. I'm the laughing stock of the blogosphere! You posted my private business all over the place! I bet people call me the dweeble-hugger behind my back!
EM: Well, technically, that should be dweeble-dumber-hugger. Because you know better than trying to hug me!
BC: Do you mind? SERIOUSLY?!?! You always take the other side!

EM: Well, just to be fair, you kind of dig your own hole. "Shovel" should be your middle name! Shoveling poop is your game. Hahahahaha.
BC: SEE?!?! It's rubbing off!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm. THERE'S an idea. Maybe if I dig far enough I'll end up in China. No more Smellie ... inane Momma ... or the grabby Boy! 
The Boy: Don't they eat cats there?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! It's worth it ... I'll chance it. 
The Boy: Tasty whole cat.
BC: YOU tried to eat me!
The Boy: Bear, you dreamed that. It didn't really happen. You can't blame me for something YOU dreamed about!
BC: Phht. Shows what you know. I can do whatever I want. We all know who rules the roost around here.
EM and The Boy all at the same time: ME!
BC: NO! ME! I wear the pants around here.
EM: Hahahaha. Yeah, your stripe-y pants make your butt look big. You probably should try to avoid prison ... stripes don't do you any favors.
BC: HEY! I'm proud of my stripes!  I EARNED these stripes!

EM: Earning them doesn't make them good! 
The Boy: You told me there was a mandatory pants rule. I guess I wear the pants too.
BC: Some things can't be unseen.
The Boy: Like your barf on my pillow?
BC: HEY! I didn't ACTUALLY barf on your pillow. I mean, YEAH, I was AIMING for your pillow ... but it didn't actually land there.
The Boy: You act like you determine ownership of the bed.
BC: Hahahahahaha. Who ELSE would determine ownership of the bed?
MK: True. Here's a hint ... the people others call "owners" AREN'T the authority.
EM: WAIT! If we're talking about revenge ...
BC: HYPOTHETICALLY talking about revenge.
EM: You forgot her "armed and dangerous" routine.
The Boy: That was kind of funny ... she came out of the bedroom with each of you under an arm ... and said she was armed with claws and fangs and dangerous. I wish we had a picture.
BC: There's one tinge of grace  ... that was just undignified. AGAIN.

The Boy: Spoken by the cat that not only licks his own butt ... but Ellie's too!
BC: It's not undignified when it's MY CHOICE. Besides, real moms lick their kitties butts for them ... I don't see either of you waiting in line to lick our butts!
EM: EWW! NO. THANK. YOU. I lick my butt just fine myself, thank you.
BC: It was funny the first time she picked us both up under an arm ...
EM: That wasn't funny AT ALL! I got your claw up my butt!
BC: Maybe if you weren't such a big butt-hole ... you were the one that bunny kicked my head because you couldn't stop squirming!
MK: It ended up like a pile of cats, with Ellie on top. 
BC: I see Paris ... I see France ... I see your butt's huge expanse!
EM: I see Paris ... I see France ... I see your stupid girly prance. Talk about things not being able to be unseen.
BC: What part of "male princess" do you not understand?
The Boy: I see Paris ... I see France ... I see you all askance!
{Silence}
The Boy: WHAT?!?!
BC: I see Paris ... I see France ... I'm the shark with just a glance.
The Boy: Ummm ... I see Paris ... I see France ... I bet your shark won't stand a chance.
{The Boy runs into the bedroom and closes the door}
BC: Wait a ... are there tasty whole chickens in there?!?!

EM: Not again. I see Paris ... I see France ... I see Bear's got the "I'll knock that door down" stance!
MK: I see Paris ... I see France ... the ditty none of you enhanced.
The Boy: Monkey see, monkey do.
BC: {GASP} There are MONKEYS in there?!?! Where's a bazooka when a cat requires one?!?!
MK: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.
EM: When you walked in earlier ... we were doing all three!
BC: ELLIE!
EM: WHAT?!
{Pause}
EM: Oops.
BC: I KNEW you would squeal!
EM: Says the cat that squeals like a little girl when his claws are clipped.
BC: Unless you know how we can break this door down to get at the chickens or monkeys on the other side ... SHUT UP, Smellie!

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47 comments:

  1. Oops, Ellie spilled the beans... But that's 'cause she was concentrating hard on adding her bits to the music jingles, isn't that right, Ellie? I've heard the humans say vertical stripes make one look slimmer, so just stretch up Bear and show off your true slimness Bear. Purrs!

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  2. Oh yea Bear, those cameras catch a lot, we even have video cameras here. **SIGH**

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    Replies
    1. NO!!!! That's HORRIBLE! Thank goodness my Momma is too intimidated to try video! ~Bear Cat

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  3. guyz...even if ya hafta take a class ta lurn a new kinda speech
    never let yur mom ore dad noe what yur talkin bout; use de ole tactic
    of silent treetmint stare down til they walk a way furst... N dood
    tell yur sisturr..... camera addz ten poundz.... ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. I HAVE told her that! She doesn't believe me! She looks like a barn in pictures but she insists she has a delicate figure! Yeah! For a TANK! ~Bear Cat

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  4. If in doubt, take the fifth. Know your rights, Bear (and your lefts) and you will never be caught with your underpants, stripy or otherwise, down. Sometimes a sacrifice works too, a plump and juicy one will be hard for the individual to pass up... and by that I don't mean regurgitate. MOL
    Toodle pips
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. The fifth what?! I take whatever I want around here ... so it's not really a stretch! Thank goodness I don't WEAR underpants! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Cameras and thumbs are my worst nightmare
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  6. Opps, Ellie let the cat out of the bag. Kind of???? You all have a terrific Tuesday.

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  7. Thanks, now I have got that ditty stuck firmly in my head! I think you look very smart in your stripey pants, Bear.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Sorry about the ditty. Momma enjoys spreading around the misery ;) ~Bear Cat

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  8. Replies
    1. Momma was the one singing it after it got stuck in her head! I only sang it a time or two! ~Bear Cat

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  9. You're absolutely right, Bear. That crazy ditty does set up shop in your brain, doesn't it? Love the kicker toy you're both on in the first photo :)

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    Replies
    1. It's the first big kicker we had ... they both love it ... and usually aren't sharing it!

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  10. Yeah, BC, we know how you feel.. Moms post photos of EVERYTHING! We've all been there.

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  11. You two are so cute posing together with that toy! I hope I didn't ruin more of your street cred, Bear. Unfortunately, moms take pictures of everything. Everything!

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    Replies
    1. It's the first big kicker we had ... they both love it ... and usually aren't sharing it!

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  12. Aw, don’t blame Ellie, Bear. Moms are really sneaking....getting us to confess all sorts of stuff...

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  13. Gosh1 Is that all pawrents do? take pictures of us doing inane and embarrassing things and then post them on line. Bear...I'm with you on this one...especially if there are whole chickens in your bedroom!
    Purrs
    Marv

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  14. Dude, I think you need a mouthpiece before you talk to your human.

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    Replies
    1. Like a claw mouthpiece?!?! Maybe then she'd listen to me. ~Bear Cat

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  15. I think Momma is getting really good with that new camera. You two cats might end up famous!Hugs to all, especially Momma.

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    Replies
    1. I am having such a hard time commenting. It will not recognize me.
      I am told that it is in Blogger settings, to recognize Open ID and WordPress blogs.
      Last try. My old Blogger ID.

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    2. We SHOULD be famous ... then I could send Ellie off to manage one of our tasty whole chicken farms and life would be perfect! ~Bear Cat
      I'm sorry you had problems commenting ... I allow comments from both of those means, so I'm not sure what the problem is.

      Delete
  16. Those are fine stripes Bear Cat. Are you a member of the Tabby Cat Club?

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  17. Your mum must constantly be out of breath trying to keep up with you running her in circles. 😇 So clever and entertaining.

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  18. Pawparazzi are a pain, right ? We know how you feel. Purrs

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  19. That was funny! I see Paris I see France I BC has little at chicken chance Har Har Har
    Thanks so much for the support when Mr Buttons had to go over the Bridge. It was very sudden and he was a big part of our family. We miss him terribly as do so many as he was our official greeter. He never met a stranger only new friends.
    Purrs dear friends
    Timmy, Dad Pete and Family

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    Replies
    1. We can't even imagine your loss. No need to thank us ... we might not get around as much as we'd like, but you're our friends and we care.

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  20. Bear, I think those stripes look goooood on you. Wear them proudly!

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  21. Wow, you guys have conversations more confusing than ours. Cats after our own hearts!

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  22. Well Bear, we can agree, that the cats are fur sure in charge. 'Specially of the sleepin' bed and the food plates. Well, and just everythin' else really. So, that's your door the boy closed, what are ya' gonna do 'bout it? MOL big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Don't tell him ... but it's not so bad ... if he's closed in the room, I have my Momma to myself ;) ~Bear Cat

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  23. We lost track of who won that round! But we think the one who closed himself in the other room must have lost...or just said "uncle" :)

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