Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Dweeble Mitigation Zone

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {sitting down on the bed} Sheesh. I'm BEAT! All I want to do is collapse in bed and ...
BC: Not there.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: You can't lay there.
MK: Why?
BC: Because that spot belongs to me.

MK: How about over ...
BC: No.
MK: Ummm ... here?
EM: Nope. That's my space.
MK: SO WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?!
BC: That's not really our problem, now is it? We were here first!
MK: What about ...
BC: Nope. That's the DMZ.
MK: Demilitarized zone?
BC: Phht. DUH. Dweeble Mitigation Zone. Heavily armed and guarded because I don't trust a certain smelly cat to stay on her side. A buffer gives me a bit of extra security. And minimizes the smell.

EM: I DON'T SMELL ... YOU smell!
BC: Phht. My name's NOT Smellie!
EM: Hmm. You're right. YOUR name is STUPID HEAD!
BC: I'm NOT a stupid head, but you're a DWEEBLE!
EM: I don't see you complaining about my smell when you lick my butt for no reason!
BC: You act like I inhale!
MK: KNOCK IT OFF! I just want to ...
BC: NOPE. Not there.
MK: But ...
EM: HEY!
MK: That's it ... you two need to figure out how to take up less of the bed so The Boy and I can fit.
EM: Why?
BC: I'm telling you ... when she gets really close, it's too late. She cuddles up to me and I can't in good conscience deny her my wonderfulness ... my virile masculinity. I'm tough ... but denying me to her would be cruel and unusual punishment.
EM: BARF!
BC: I already did. Check between the wall and the bed.

EM: Gross! Your barf is in MY territory!
BC: Well, I couldn't very well barf in MY territory ... could I?
EM: But ...
MK: Okay! Just STOP! Where can I lay down?
BC: Here's the 911. 

MK: 911?
BC: Information. The map of ownership of this bed.
EM: 411, you moron!
BC: Eleven has nothing to do with it! Do you see a spot for eleven?
EM: No, I ...
{Pause as Ellie sees Bear's map of the bed}
EM: HEY! You have a bigger piece of the bed!
BC: Phht. 
EM: The bed should be half and half!
BC: Well, I prefer CREAM myself ...
EM: {holding out her map of the bed} THESE are the real boundaries!

BC: No, they're not!
EM: YES. They are.
BC: I'm bigger ... I deserve more room because I'm fluffier!
EM: You mean FATTER!
BC: Take it back!
EM: No.
BC: That's IT! I've had enough of you not respecting ...
EM: It's kind of hard to respect someone that doesn't command it.
BC: Why, I oughta ...
{Ellie jumps off the bed with Bear in hot pursuit}
MK: FINALLY! I can lay in MY bed!
The Boy: {walking into the room} You're not in bed already? I thought you were exhausted?
MK: Don't ask.
The Boy: They were drawing up maps again?
MK: {sigh}.
{Momma and The Boy hear a loud MROW! from the other room}
MK: {getting up} Oh, for CRYING ... I've had enough of this nonsense! All I want to do is sleep in peace ... on MY bed.
{Pause}
MK: {as she walks into the other room to find Bear attacking Ellie} BEAR! What are you doing?!?!

BC: Nothing.
MK: It doesn't look like nothing!
BC: I'm giving Ellie a hug!
EM: Get OFF of me! My mouth's about to give YOU a hug! And my fangs are sharp.
MK: BEAR! If you can't tell me what you're doing, then you'd better stop!
BC: But you said I'm not allowed to talk about it because it would be bragging.
MK: KNOCK. IT. OFF!!!!!!!
BC: Someone's grumpy! WOMEN! They can't make up their minds! One minute it's "Bear! You talking about what you're doing is bragging." Then the next, you get all upset that I won't discuss what I'm doing! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, WOMAN!
MK: I'm going to bed. If I hear any more nonsense, you'll BOTH be grounded.
BC: Phht. I'm already grounded for my entire nine lives ... so what do I ... {as he sees Momma's face} ...
{The cats stop fighting}

{Momma goes back to the bedroom and she and The Boy fall asleep in [relative] peace and quiet.}
{An hour passes.}
BC: UGH! This climb is dangerous ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... strenuous ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... I just might not ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... make it to the top! {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} ... This mountain ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... is no match ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... for my virile ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... masculinity ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... Just can't ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... breathe. {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} ... The air ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... up here ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... is so  ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... thin.
{Bear huffs and puffs until he catches his breath when he finally reaches the summit}

BC: {to the tune of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye}
Ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough,
Ain't no river wide enough,
To keep me from ...
The Boy: ZZZZZ ... OWWW! Wha ... BEAR! Why are you on my back? I'm SLEEPING! Get off my back! You stuck your claw in my side while you sang!
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. I stuck my claw in your side while DANCING to my singing.
The Boy: And that's any better?
BC: I was singing a love ballad to my two favorite torties. My little butt wiggle is part of the appeal, right?
The Boy: Again, you think that makes it better?
BC: Have you SEEN my favorite torties?
The Boy: {sigh}.
BC: {to the tune of "Go, Tell It On The Mountain"}
Go, tell it on the mountain,
Over the hills and everywhere;
Go, tell it on the mountain,
That ...
The Boy: Bear! It's four am! Can't you go tell it on the mountain some other time?
BC: Phht. I'm starting to think you don't appreciate my four am karaoke! FINE! Five am karaoke ... coming up!
The Boy: That's not any better! And next time, NOT on my back?!
BC: So the claw in your side was okay?
{Silence}
BC: Besides, how can I go tell it on the mountain if I'm not ON a mountain? I can see China from here, you know! Whew! THE. VIEW. There's the South Pole!
The Boy: I've got a place for that pole if you don't knock it off!
BC: I see Paris, I see France ... I see The Boy's underpants!
The Boy: Oh, for ...
BC: {to the tune of She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain}
I'll be coming 'round the mountain, when I come ... {TOOT TOOT!}.
I'll be coming 'round the mountain, when I come ... {TOOT TOOT!}.
I'll be coming 'round the mountain, I'll be coming 'round the mountain, I'll be coming 'round the mountain when I come.
{Pause}
BC: I'll be singing karaoke when I come ... {LA LA!}
I'll be singing karaoke when I come ... {LA LA!}
I'll be singing karaoke, I'll be singing karaoke, I'll be singing karaoke when I come.
The Boy: BEAR!
BC: I'll be singing very loudly when I come ... {at FIVE AM!}
I'll be singing very loudly when I come ... {at FIVE AM!}
I'll be singing very loudly, I'll be singing very loudly, I'll be singing very loudly when I come.
{Silence as Bear looks at The Boy}
BC: Speechless? You know what's really great? After a long day ...
The Boy: You mean, NIGHT?
BC: Whatever. After a long climb ... it's time for a catnap!
The Boy: My butt isn't any better place to lay, Bear.
BC: This isn't your butt! It's your head! And I see your mouth moving and ... and ... WHAT'S THAT SMELL?!?! Holy crap! Did Smellie crawl up your butt and die?
The Boy: Maybe get off my butt?
BC: Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: You weren't that hairy this morning ...
{Pause as Bear looks around}
BC: MY! What huge eyes you have!
The Boy: All the better to see your handsomeness with!
BC: It's about TIME you noticed! I ...
{Pause}
BC: BOY! What huge hands you have!
The Boy: All the better to pet you and give you the ear rubs you love so much.
BC: Well, you ALMOST do them right ... {getting really close to The Boy's mouth} WOW! What big teeth you ...
The Boy: And I'll HUFF and PUFF and I'll blow your house down!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
{CHOMP!}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: I'm the shark! That's what you get for huffing and puffing and trying to blow my house down! And there's more where that came from!
MK: HUH?!? What's he talking about? 
The Boy: Bear was asleep and BIT ME out of no where! It's bad enough he bites me all day long ... but now you're biting me in your sleep too?!?
MK: And I thought it was bad when he fell asleep as his jaw was around my wrist. Ridiculous.
BC: Phht. Being ferocious is exhausting. He was trying to kill me!

The Boy: Bear ... you were sleeping! You must've had a bad dream.
BC: HMPH. Well, you WERE in it ... {eyeing The Boy suspiciously} ... but you were going to eat me ... I think I'll go sleep in my cat bed. Just in case.
The Boy: Figures. We come up with scheme after scheme so we can sleep in our own bed ... but in the end ... his own imagination is more effective than we could ever be.

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36 comments:

  1. Was that a dream, or is this? Only one way to find out but I bet the boy won’t like it! Makes for great press though, Bear. Mol
    Toodle pips
    Erin

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    Replies
    1. Err ... the part where I beat Ellie and The Boy up are for real ... and the parts where they outsmart me are just a bad dream ;) ~Bear Cat

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  2. Wow Bear, when do you sleep? You bite people in the daytime and the nighttime plus you beat up Ellie Mae too. So busy.

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    1. I have a very exacting sleeping schedule. A bite here ... a bite there ... ~Bear Cat

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  3. guyz...ya noe...thiz iz all yur momz fault...if her had knot wanted
    ta sleep in YUR bed frum de get go.... ya woodna kneada DMZ...sure ya
    can still haz one just coz...but... just sayin.....we think mom N dad
    knead to invest in ther OWN bed....ore perhapz cozee sleepin bagz :) ♥♥♥

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    Replies
    1. YEEEEESSSSSS! They can sleep on the FLOOR!! Hehehehehehe. ~Bear Cat

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  4. The humans take up way too much room and then when I try to get comfy (between their legs or on their backs) they get huffy.
    So I sleep in a different place every night all by my lonesome and it is a win win for all
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. I like cuddling with my Momma ... but not what cuddles with her (The Boy mainly). UGH. ~Bear Cat

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  5. AMARULA: DMZ!! Dweeble Mitigation Zone!!!! Why didn't I think of that!?? Bear you are brilliant--I am going to start instituting DMZs all around the house!! Brilliant!!

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  6. That map with the Skinny line down the middle for DMZ, that would be my space with Rocco getting all of one side and Rascal getting all the other!

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  7. And NOW we're wondering how the humans ever get any sleep around there!!

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  8. I like the DMZ too Bear but where is the second sister?

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    Replies
    1. Kitty was my first sister ... she didn't like my youthful exuberance much! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Bear, I wish I could institute a Dweeble Mitigation Zone (DMZ) and that Pierrot would abide by it. He doesn't abide by anything, though.

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    Replies
    1. Siblings are just trouble! So much work to train them properly! ~Bear Cat

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  10. When will the hoomins ever learn?? The best bed always belongs to the cats. And Rule #1 living with kittehs.... Never disturb the sleeping felines.

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  11. Your map was clear, we really cannot understand why it didn't work MOL ! It was clear that humans could only stay in the DMZ, right ? Purrs

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  12. Bear, you're lucky that you only have to share your bed with one cat. Try four cats in a bed! There's definitely not room for the humans!

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    1. I don't share! One ... but FOUR?!?! I'd have to run away! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Oh Bear, you've sure got it tough. Y, Our whole bed could fit on one side of yours. And me has to share it with mommy and Raena. Half the time me can't even stretch out. At least you have a whole side to yourself. MOL Ya' know, ya' might try holdin' your purrfurmance till like 10 minutes befur the alarm goes off. Ya' know, the peeps seem to be in the deepest pawrt of sleep at that time. It's like they know they're gonna have to get up soo, so there's no goin' back to bed. They just have to suck it up. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I don't mind snuggling with my Momma ... but The Boy?! NO THANK YOU!!! ~Bear Cat

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  14. You two sound like you actually like each other but don't want anybody to know. Been there done that...I won't tell anyone.

    Shoko

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  15. Not cool, Bear...now you've planted an ear worm that I'll be singing all day long...🎶she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes...🎶

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    1. Hehehehe. Momma's always in trouble with The Boy for getting one or another song stuck in his head! She had the pooping song stuck in her head for weeks! ~Bear Cat

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  16. I'm really lovin' this DMZ idea, BC. Hmmm... I wonder if somethin' like that would work with those two long-haired freaky marmie brothers of mine. Somethin' to ponder, for sure. PURRS.

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    1. You'd probably want a bigger DMZ just is case - with all that floof and farting! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Bear your musical prowess has no limits! (dancing in the air) Oh and that photo of you "hugging" Ellie is too funny! It reminds Mom of the white kitty and Siamese kitty she had before me that would take that same pose. The white kitty would latch on to the Siamese kitty to try to get him out of the rocking chair!

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    Replies
    1. "hug" hehehehehehehehe. I'm ALWAYS in trouble for no reason! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Sammy tried to hug Prancie like that every day. I suggest Momma and The Boy get a pull out couch to sleep on :)

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    Replies
    1. Perfect! Ellie can sleep on the pull-out couch! ~Bear Cat

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