Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Kitty trauma drama

It's that time of year again! Momma's taking Bear someplace and he catches on to her trick too late! Will he survive? Will she?

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
Vet tech
Vet tech #2

BC: I HATE YOU! I REALLY REALLY hate you! You're going to pay for this! I mean it!
MK: Bear, we have to go see someone.
BC: Are we going to a tasty whole chicken farm?
MK: No.
BC: Then where are we going?
MK: It's a surprise.
BC: Considering how much you dislike my "surprises," that doesn't make me feel any better.
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: Is the car still moving?
BC: Yes.
MK: THEN WE'RE NOT THERE YET!
BC: Put the pedal to the metal, woman.
MK: I'm already going twenty miles per hour OVER the speed limit.
BC: This is going to take forever.
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: Err ... oh, crap!
BC: WHAT?
MK: A cop!
BC: A WHAT?
MK: A man that enforces the speed limit.
BC: So he's the law?
MK: Yes.
BC: OH! Get pulled over! I'll talk to him and convince him to give us a ride to the vet.
MK: In a cop car?
BC: Lights and sirens ... no speed limit ... no traffic lights ... anything to get there faster.
MK: Bear, I don't think ...
BC: If he doesn't listen, I'll bite him!
MK: I really hope we don't get pulled over because this would end badly.
BC: For HIM!
MK: Bear, you can't go around biting people who don't do what you want.
BC: Have you met me?
MK: Good point.
BC: I'll show you all my twenty-two points.
MK: Put those away.
BC: RUIN ALL MY FUN!

{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No.
BC: Are we moving? It doesn't feel like we're moving!
MK: Red light.
BC: SO? Cats have the right of way. 
MK: I don't remember that being in the driver's manual.
BC: Phht. They're written by PEOPLE. Hit the horn and drive!
MK: I'm not going to be arrested.
BC: Phht. You're scared of a little incarceration?
MK: Isn't that why you were cursing at me earlier? Because of your incarceration?
BC: I'm bad to the bone, Momma.
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No.
BC: Are WE THERE yet?
MK: NO!
BC: We're there now, right?
MK: NO!
BC: Are ...
MK: STOP ASKING, "Are we there yet!?" or I'm going to park in that parking lot and wait until you stop asking.
BC: Will we be there soon?
MK: ARG! From now on, drugs are going to be involved in this kind of thing.
BC: You would drug me?
MK: NO! They're for me!
BC: Just say no, Momma!
MK: NO! NONONONONONONONONONO!!!
BC: Not to me! Though I guess I didn't specify ...
{Pause}
BC: Momma?
MK: Yes?
BC: Are we there yet?!
MK: SO HELP ME, IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU AT THE ...
BC: The WHAT? Where are we going?
MK: WE'RE HERE!
BC: Where? Why are you putting a towel over my carrier?! I know where all your dead bodies are! I've become loose ends!

MK: SHHH!
BC: OH! Are you sneaking me into someplace? Cool! Don't worry, I won't say anything.
{Pause}
BC: On second thought, what kind of place wouldn't allow cats?! I'm loud and proud, Momma! Where are we going?
{The door to a room closes and Momma opens Bear's carrier}
BC: Is this a meeting with the President?
MK: No.
BC: My lawyer?
MK: I thought she fired you.
BC: I thought it was a ...
{Pause}
BC: Nope. The guy lawyer was the one before the last one. Speaking of ... I need to find a new lawyer.
MK: You could just not sue everyone for everything.
BC: Phht. You think I'm going to WORK to make enough money for a tasty whole chicken farm? It's sue or win the lottery - and considering how unlucky I was in running into you on the street ... I figure that's not going to happen.
MK: Has your life really been that bad with me?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: Am I really that bad of a Momma?
BC: Err ... are you really THAT GOOD of a Momma?
MK: My favorite day of the year.
BC: What day? Are we here to see Santa? This person must be VERY important that we're waiting so long to see him. 
MK: It's been ninety seconds.
BC: You and your useless human details.

{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... I know this smell ...
{Pause}
BC: AWWWWW. HEEEEEELLLLL NO! We're at the vet!
{The vet tech walks in}
Vet tech: Let's get his weight.
BC: I have a name, you know! MY NAME IS BEAR.
MK: SHH!
BC: She didn't even know my name!
MK: But she knew you were male.
BC: Well ... OBVIOUSLY. I give off that vibe you know. My virile testosterone essence causes girls to swoon.
Vet tech: It says here that's he's fixed?
BC: EXCUSE ME?
Vet tech: Neutered?
MK: Yes. He's just very protective of what's left of his manhood.
Vet tech: Okay.
BC: MANHOOD?!?! MAN - HOOD?!?!?! My balls were cruelly ripped from my lifeless member!
Vet tech: Err ...
MK: He's a little ... dramatic.
BC: And by lifeless, I mean exhausted. Man, I painted the town tortie before my Momma ripped me from that oat pasture.

Vet tech: Oat what?
MK: He was sowing his wild oats?
Vet tech: Ah.
BC: Can we have another vet tech? This one's stupid.
MK: BEAR!
Vet tech: Let's weigh this handsome big guy.
BC: BIG?! How much do YOU weigh?
MK: She meant big as in masculine.
BC: You can weigh me ... but only if Momma steps on the scale first.
Vet tech: Well, see, this scale is for cats only ...
BC: I saw that huge cow scale out in the waiting room. You first. Then her. We'll take an average of your two weights.
Vet tech: We really need to get your weight.
BC: And I REALLY NEED to go home!
Vet tech: Okay.
BC: I CAN GO HOME?
Vet tech: No. We'll just have to do this the hard way.
BC: Hard ...
Vet tech: Come on, handsome!
BC: Don't butter me up! Unless you want to tell me what I already know. I am the handsomest boy cat EVER!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! PUT ME DOWN! CALL MY LAWYER! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU AND STICK A THERMOMETER UP YOUR BACK END SO FAR IT WILL BE UNDER YOUR TONGUE!
MK: Bear ...
BC: My Momma's going to kick your rather large back end to next week if you hurt me!
MK: {groan}.
BC: MOMMA!!!! Are you just going to stand there? DO SOMETHING! Oh, I see. I save your life, but you aren't there when I need you!
MK: Bear ...
BC: HELP! HELP! I'm being murdered! Raped! I'm being MAN-HAN ... err ... WOMAN handled! HELP! HEEEEEELLLPP! CALL THE POLICE! Call my lawyer!
Vet tech 2: {opening the door) Is everything okay in here?
Vet tech: Yes.
BC: It's Giggles McGiggly!

Vet tech 2: Hahahaha. Hi, Bear.
BC: SEE?! Giggles knows my name.
Vet tech 2: Who could forget you?
BC: I bet you say that to all the handsome cats. HA! SEE?!?! I'm famous! I'm so awesome, everyone knows me!
Vet tech: Awesome is ONE word for it.
BC: Giggles, I never thought I'd be happy to see you! HELP! This vet tech is mean!
Vet tech: WHAT?! I didn't do ...
BC: HUSH!
Vet tech 2: Do you want me to weigh you?
BC: Will you respect me in the morning?
Vet tech 2: Woe be the vet tech that doesn't respect you. Here we go ...
{Pause}
Vet tech 2: XX pounds and XX ounces.
BC: My weight in solid gold, baby!
Vet tech 2: Did you see the note in his chart?
Vet tech: Note?
BC: WHAT NOTE?
Vet tech 2: Telling staff that you are ... interesting.
BC: HEY! Last time I was here, I charmed the pants off the male vet tech. Usually, I don't like men. 
Vet tech 2: And he craps!
MK: Oh, no.
BC: Fire this vet tech and come handle me, Giggles! I'll give you a private show.
Vet tech: That sounds cool! I want a private show!
BC: Phht. Only Giggles gets a private show.
Vet tech 2: Err ... you might want to limit your expectations of his show.
BC: WHAT?!?!
Vet tech 2: I mean ... err ... not everyone likes crap.
BC: Phht. Those people with bad taste. You know, the people who get dogs?
Vet tech: He craps and calls that a show?
Vet tech 2: Ask him! He drops more than beats!
Vet tech: Alright, Big Guy. Time to take you to the back for a blood draw.
BC: AHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm in the arms of a vampire who wants to suck my blood! HELP!
{Pause}
BC: NO! You're NOT allowed to touch me!

Vet tech: But ...
BC: Only Giggles is allowed to touch me.
Vet tech 2: Hahaha. You flirt.
BC: Only with you, Giggles! So help me, if this OTHER vet tech picks me up one more time, you'll find her liver in California and her kidneys in Wisconsin and Seattle.
Vet tech 2: Come on, handsome!
BC: You wouldn't believe what Smellie did!
Vet tech 2: The pretty black cat?
BC: You disappoint me, Giggles. And here I thought you had taste. See, I paid Smellie to steal the postcard reminding my Momma I was due for my annual visit ... but she must've missed it! Then again, I guess if you want something done right, you should do it yourself.
{Pause}
BC: {as they walk down the hall} Now, I don't want to be rude ... but that other vet tech? She should be fired! Where's Dr. Dolittle?
Vet tech 2: Dolittle! Hahahahahahahaha.
{Pause}
Vet tech 2: Let's get this done quickly so I can take you back to your Momma.
BC: I'm in no rush ... By the way, I see all these closed doors. You don't have any tasty whole chickens here, do you?
Vet tech 2: I don't think so. Let's get this over with!
BC: No. Make my Momma wait! That'll show her!
Vet tech 2: You'll show her how mean she is by letting her spend more time in peace and quiet?
BC: You always get me, Giggles. Do you think you could adopt me?! Because my Momma leaves a lot to be desired.
Vet tech 2: She's not that bad.
BC: You're right! She's worse! You wouldn't believe what she did the other day! Talk about stupid!
{Pause}
BC: OWW! What's wrong with you?
Vet tech 2: Let's go back to the room. I'm sure your Momma will be glad to have you back.
BC: Phht. I'm not glad to have her back!

STAY TUNED! The story will conclude later this week (we think).


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

Featured posts:
Bear's adventures in a carrier and at the vet are legendary ...
Giggles McGiggly.
Coordinated holding cells.
Bear's [beyond, then NOT] bad day, Part 2.
Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time.
Let's talk about ... WORMS?!?
Bear's cat rapping show hits the road.
Bear's cat rapping show hits the road, part 2.
Idioms for idiots.

36 comments:

  1. I'm glad you got to have an out n' about and some fun Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bear it is most impawant to have fun things to do when the weather gets dreary.
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. The vet's office?! FUN?! Yeah. A dental would be less painful! ~Bear Cat

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  3. dood....we hope all wented well with your a point mint at de palce oh eeeeevil N we hope
    yur mom doez knot haz "pay bax" for yur cow scale ree mark ....just sayin !! ;) ♥♥

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  4. Here's hoping your grades at the vet's office are good, Bear!

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  5. Sounds like you and Giggles get on well, Bear. I hope you pass those tests with flying colours.

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    Replies
    1. Tests? Who said anything about tests? I didn't study! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Oh my whiskers Bear!
    Why the humans have to take us to those stabby places is beyond me! Our place has a whole section for felines, plays "cat music" and fills the air with Feliway but none of that matters when they stick that thermometer in your backside! At the end of the day, no matter how shishi the humans try to make it, it's still the stabby place. You have the condolences of The Tribe of Five and we will sit outside the Female Human's bedroom and sing the song of our people at 2:00am to show our solidarity with you.
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto and The Tribe of Five

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    Replies
    1. Perfect! We'll be in stereo sound at 2am! Err ... after adjusting for time zone. ~Bear Cat

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  7. Hope all is well, Bear! When Mudpie got her asthma diagnosis just a few months after I adopted her and the vet tech took her out back to do the x-ray she looked at me like she was never going to see me again :(

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  8. It's nice that Bear has such a good friend at the vet's office! It's not a happy place to be, so having a friend has to help!

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    Replies
    1. Phht. FRIENDS. More like I have USEFUL people there ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. Poor Bear. I am sorry they stole your blood- I hope you took some of theirs :)

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    Replies
    1. Never fear. I took plenty from Momma when we got home. ~Bear Cat

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  10. bear, seems as if you hav vet tech #2 wrapped around your paw. Good for you. We look forward to par 2 of the story. We are happy your momma did get arrested. Bet Elie enjoyed her time at home without you. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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  11. We're sorry you had to go to the vet, Bear, but we're glad to see you have some friend there ! Purrs

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    Replies
    1. Phht. FRIENDS. More like I have USEFUL people there ;) ~Bear Cat

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  12. Hey, sounds like you have a thing going on there. Flirting with the staff is a sure sign you know ;)
    Maybe your mom could drive you to be with Gigggles every day? You could then investigate every one of those rooms, and have a semi-captive and changing audience to entertain with your rapping. Plus you could charge for admission too.
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. CHARGE?!? Like a tasty whole chicken for each rap? I'd have a farm in no time! Err ... except that I'd have no place to keep the chickens ... ~Bear Cat

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  13. Snort...vet visits are always interesting with you Bear, aren't they?

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  14. You sure know how to win friends and influence people, Bear. We're impressed at how you were working those humans at the vet's!

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    Replies
    1. I don't work. But I do influence people ... very strongly. ~Bear Cat

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  15. Our Frank will be happy to hear that you have a note in your chart that you crap at the vet. Frank craps in the car cuz he has serious motion sickness. He also pukes. And drools. And yowls. It's a concert for the senses, as mom puts it. You go, Bear. Charm the dickens out of them vet humans.

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... and I thought I was the only Crapper ... maybe Frank and I can do a duet? ~Bear Cat

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  16. Trips to the vet with Bear sounds like so much fun. Those poor vet techs. Hope the blood draw went well. I guess we'll find out!

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    Replies
    1. Bear has a habit of extracting far more blood from the taker than he gives ...

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  17. There is NOT a single family member I haven't shared this blog with that you wrote Bear. Are Bear and Katie related? When it comes to the v-e-t...she told me a few months ago on the way there that she's onto my jive and she will make any and all pay who dare to touch her or take her temperature. Even pare her nails. Bear, I now pronounce you mancat and wifecat.

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  18. Ah the Stabby Place. Beloved of cats and cat parents everywhere. Bear, I'm going to share a secret with you... Once I behaved almost as badly as you at my own Stabby Place. They needed to swab my throat and I did not handle it well. I couldn't help it, it freaking hurt! I had to sit on my hands so the nurse could do it.

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    Replies
    1. You should hear my Momma complain about the dentist's office. But they don't stick somethin' where the sun don't shine! Amateurs. ~Bear Cat

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