Friday, December 14, 2018

The cats are on the inside. Where's Momma?

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
EM: Do what?
BC: Whatever you think I did. Err ... unless you're referring to ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Nice try. You wanted me to confess. I'm not falling for that again. I'm onto your tricks! After all, my Momma is the trickiest of tricky and I ...
EM: Fall for it all the time?
BC: Oh, shut up! WOMEN! They ...
EM: Hmph. You didn't do it? What DON'T you do? If I were accusing you of something, I wouldn't THINK. I'd know you did it. Duh.
BC: You want to take this outside?
EM: THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU! Momma's standing on the front porch!
BC: But it's cold out there!
EM: I KNOW! She's shivering.
BC: Please tell me she's wearing clothes ... I have to live in this neighborhood and the memory of her and her gaggle of geese is still alive and well.
EM: Momma has geese?
BC: You don't want to know. It was before you came to live here.
EM: Now she's jumping up and down!
BC: Isn't she smart enough to know to come inside?
EM: It even started snowing.
BC: It's finally happened. She's gone nuts. It's The Boy's fault. I knew he was trouble from the very ...
EM: Nuts? Probably thanks to you.
BC: Thank you! That's the nicest thing ...
EM: MOMMA! MOMMA! I'm right here!


BC: What kind of moronic nonsense is this? Tell her to come in! Oh, and tell her to STOP knocking on the window. So help me ...
EM: She keeps waving at me.
BC: Did you wave back?
EM: Do you think that would help?
BC: Screw that. Flailing arms ... crazed look. I got to see this for myself! Sounds like a solid investment opportunity.
EM: Investment?
BC: Admission. No refunds. That'll be ten dollars.
EM: But I saw her first!
BC: You're right.
EM: I am?
BC: Of course! I'll give you a 50% discount on admission. 
EM: But I don't have five dollars for admission!! 
BC: You should've thought about that before you got in the window!
EM: But I'm the only reason you even know about ...
BC: But you have to pay full price for the t-shirt.
EM: What would I need a T-shirt for? My fur's not ugly like yours! And snuggling with Momma keeps me warm.
BC: Yeah. I noticed. LAP HOG. That'll be five dollars!
EM: I'm not paying you to ...
BC: Then get out of the window!
EM: Momma looks REALLY cold!

BC: Then she should REALLY come in!
EM: She keeps waving and signaling ...
{Pause}
EM: I really need a lap! If I don't get a lap in ... in ... a minute, I'll die!
BC: Promise?
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: What's she doing now?
EM: Look for yourself! Eh. Boring. I'm going to go take a nap.
BC: TELL HER TO STOP KNOCKING ON THE FLIPPING WINDOW and to just come inside!!! Or I'm going to go out there and !*&$ her !*%@# #*@&!
EM: What does #*@&! mean?
BC: I can show you but you can't tell on me.
EM: Err ... no thanks. Momma's still mad at me from your last trick.
BC: I figured you'd know better than drinking from the toilet!
EM: NO! You told me I was a dolphin and I could swim!
BC: Oh. That. Hahahahahahahaha.
EM: I HATE getting wet!
BC: I HATE having a sister! Why's she still knocking on the window?! What's wrong with her?
EM: Let me go check.
BC: There's a tuna in the toilet.
EM: REALLY?!?! I thought all the tunas lived far away in the ocean! Next to sparkle balls, tunas are the best things ever.
BC: Oh, yeah. There's a sparkle ball in the toilet too.
EM: Now wait a minute ... I wasn't born yesterday! I lost all my sparkle balls yesterday so unless one fell from the sky, it can't be in the toilet.
BC: I figured the tuna should have a sparkle ball too.
EM: That's actually really ...
{Loud knocking on the window}
BC: That's IT! I've had it with this nonsense. Come in or stop knocking on the flipping ...
{Pause}
BC: WOW. She does look cold.
EM: There's like a half inch of snow accumulated on her head.
BC: Humans can be so stubborn! JUST COME IN ALREADY! When I told her to get out, I wasn't SERIOUS.

EM: What's she saying?
BC: I don't know. I don't speak dumb@$$! It's kind of hard to focus on what she's saying when she's leaping around like a constipated frog.
EM: Oh, THAT had to hurt.
BC: Probably an improvement to her face.
EM: She fell on her butt!
BC: Details details.
EM: Why is she staring at us? It's like she expects us to do something.
BC: It's not like she's locked out or anything, My Momma wouldn't be stupid enough to lock herself out. 
{Pause}
BC: Errr ... 
{Pause}
BC: On second thought ...
{Pause}
BC: Nope. She's not THAT dumb. That's The Boy's territory. My Momma's smarter. 
EM: My Daddy is smart too! Well, except for that one time ... oh, and other other time ... and ... hmmm.
BC: And I've seen her work that door like a catillion times and I can't imagine she'd forget how to use it.
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... SHE FORGOT HOW TO USE THE DOOR! Wait ... 
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I could jump on the counter and she could do nothing about it - but she would have to see me do it and the kitchen isn't anywhere near this window! The furniture? I'm stuck in a rut - I'm ready for a blank slate.
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... she's locked out ... PAR-TAY!
EM: LOOK! A new boy!

BC: Is that GIGGLING I hear?!?! HAS SHE LOST HER MARBLES ENTIRELY?!?! This is a catastrophe! What? Is she collecting boys now? I hope she doesn't think he can have a cat too! Oh, we're in store for more giggling and nonsense and peeing contests and barfing contests and farting contests ...
EM: Err ... I thought those were YOUR idea?
BC: I KNOW! Place a few bets and I'll have enough money for a tasty whole chicken farm in no time.
EM: Do you EVER shut up?
BC: MAKE ME!
EM: Pleasure! I've had just about enough of your ...
BC: M'ROW!!
EM: Take that! And THAT! And ...
MK: {heard from the other side of the window} I KNOW YOU TWO ARE FIGHTING! KNOCK IT OFF!
BC: Whooooooa.
MK: {heard from the other side of the window} SOMEONE? COME BACK! I know you both are in there! HELLO!
{The front door jiggles}
EM: Uh oh.
BC: {Running one way} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear careens off the couch}
BC: {Running the opposite way} HIT THE DECK!! THEY'RE HERE TO CAT-NAP ME! I'M GOING TO BE ABDUCTED AND MOMMA'S TOO BUSY DANCING OUTSIDE TO SAVE ME! 
EM: I'm not sure ... she's laughing ... besides, if one of us were to be cat-napped they wouldn't be stupid enough to take you!
BC: OBVIOUSLY. I'd teach them a lesson or two.
EM: How to hide under the bed? How to fight inanimate objects? How to run into the wall? How to flip your carrier in the car?
BC: ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I get your point! 
EM: What's Momma doing?
BC: SHE'S TOO BUSY GETTING HER MOOSE ON!
EM: Moose? I thought you said she had geese? Not Meese!
BC: WHATEVER SHE CALLS IT! FLIRTING WITH THE NEW BOY! He doesn't look any smarter than the last. Then again, if he's interested in my Momma how smart can he be?
{Pause}
BC: They'll never catch me alive! {Running one direction} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear stops for a minute}
BC: UGH! {HUFF} {PUFF} ... not what I used to ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... I just might not ... {HUFF} {PUFF} ... maybe I'm safer ... {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} ... under the bed ... {HUFF} {PUFF}.
EM: WAIT! WAIT! The front door is opening!
BC: This is it then ... why does Momma seem so happy? She's in the cold and I'm about to be raped and pillaged.
EM: Ummm ...
MK: Hi, guys!
BC: It's YOU!
MK: Yeah. Hi, to you too!
EM: I need a lap, Momma! It's an emergency, I swear! I missed you! And you were gone forever! And I can't even count that high!

MK: I locked my keys in here and I had to call a locksmith to let me in again. I was about to ...
{Momma stops when she hears slight snoring ...}
MK: Well, that certainly didn't take long. 
EM: I'm going to experience spontaneous combustion unless you let me have your lap!
MK: Okay, okay. I love you, Ellie Belly.
EM: I love you too, Momma. I'm glad you came inside.
MK: ME TOO!

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38 comments:

  1. Mums are stubborn like that,xx Speedy

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    Replies
    1. No kidding! I'm glad to know Bunny Mommas aren't any less so!

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  2. OMC we're glad your Momma got back into the house! We think it's funny that she took photos during the whole ordeal!

    The Florida Furkids

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  3. OH mom says she could tell a story about being locked outside too. She may on her bloggie.

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  4. Oh poor Mom, y'all should have at least tossed her a tasty whole chicken, a warm one!

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. Bear wanted to eat one in front of the window but I told him that wasn't very nice. ~Ellie Mae

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  5. Oh no, locked out in the snow is no fun! It must have been very traumatic and confusing for you guys, too. Humans can be so absent minded and silly sometimes. Glad she's back inside now

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    Replies
    1. She might have had "help" forgetting her keys ... no wait ... she doesn't need help.

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  6. I am glad your mom got back in before she turned into a big icicle.

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  7. That must've been no fun for your momma to be locked out. But geez, Ellie, I don't know how you survived that long without a lap!

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  8. Bear was obviously so exhausted from worrying about his Momma being stuck outside.... :)

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  9. This was fun and funny to read, but we do feel for MK being locked out in the cold. The lady is glad in this place you have to lock the door from the outside. In our last place you didn't. She carried a copy of the house key in her purse because she had no doubt she'd do that one day. Bear, I'm sure she's as relieved as you that she was wearing clothes. :)

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    1. You never know with my Momma and her iniquitous existence! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Oh awnty Kat, you really need to teach Bear or Ellie to unlock the door. Meowin' of, we need mommy to teach us the same thing. She says she won't teach us that one, cuz then we'd open the door to everypawdy, even when she was on the pawtty. Oh well. Glad you didn't freeze to death. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I don't know that Bear could be trusted with that information!

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  11. I've missed these stories so much! So happy to be able to be back reading <3

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  12. AMARULA: Well I must admit I was a little worried there Bear--who was going to feed you if the human was locked out?! IT was very insensitive of her to lock herself out! Humans are so selfish--I am glad you were able to struggle through the traumatic event of wondering where you next meal was coming from and able to nap! You are so brave!

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    Replies
    1. Wait ... what?!?! She might not have gotten back in to feed us?!? That's an emergency beyond Frodo and my stupid sister! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Whew! I'm glad your momma found a helper to unlock the door for her or she might have turned into a popsicle. You would've had to try and contact somepawdy to thaw her out so you wouldn't miss a meal! Purr purr purr and wink. -Valentine (& Mom) of Noir Kitty Mews

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    Replies
    1. Wait ... what?!?! She might not have gotten back in to feed us?!? ~Bear Cat

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  14. Hope your mum has thawed out now. You guys really need thumbs, you know? 👍🏻

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  15. Your poor Momma being locked out. Glad she isn't collecting boys :)

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  16. Gosh Ellie and Bear and Momma, I have missed you!
    Keep u the great work!
    Purrs
    Marv

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  17. Scary for your momma to be locked out like that.

    Glad she got back in to supervise you two :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  18. Bear and Ellie, I think you need to get your staff a pouch to keep the keys and treats in so she is never caught out like that again. Or maybe on a piece of elastic tied to the waist. Mrs H has a whole collection of keys, like the best housekeepers do, and one to the pantry too! Now theres a thought, why not get a housekeeper, and a butler?
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Err ... but she should leave the treats here ... ~Bear Cat

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  19. That was such a funny story except for the Mom being stuck outside. Well told. You all have a very Happy New Year.

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