Friday, March 16, 2018

Forking Bear

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: {attacking Ellie} ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG! 
EM: Whatever.
BC: This isn't the worst pain you've felt in your life?

EM: Not really.
BC: Am I losing my bite?
EM: Imagine if Momma NEVER brushed you teeth! You wouldn't have any left!
BC: Don't remind me. GENETICS! You win some, you lose some. I might be a handsome stripe-y pants thanks to genetics ... but being this awesome can be a curse.
EM: Oh, brother.
BC: At least she brushes your teeth too ... spread the pain around a little bit.
EM: Hey! If it weren't for you, Momma would've never thought to brush my teeth! I have to put up with it only because you do! Maybe your shark is broken.
BC: {trying a new angle} How about now?! 
EM: Ooh! Hehehehehe. That kind of tickles!
BC: TICKLES?!?! WOMEN! Tough nuts to crack ... I'm going to show you my signature move ...
{Pause as Bear performs his signature move}
BC: Do you want to cry for a monkey's uncle?
EM: Leave my Daddy out of this!
BC: Are you feeling PAIN?!

EM: Nah. I'm not like you ... I don't stub my toe and cry for my Momma, meanwhile threatening and cursing out the wall.
BC: That only happened once!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... this week.
EM: Face it, you're a sissy. 
BC: Oh, yeah? Would a sissy do this ...
{Bear lunges at Ellie again}

EM: Yeah, a sissy kinda would do that. If one's a sissy, he tries to compensate for the size of his ... err ... litter box.
BC: If you're Miss Know-it-all, why would I compensate when I have an extra-jumbo-sized litter box?
EM: {sigh} Talk about obtuse.
BC: Thank you.
EM: What?! That wasn't a ...
BC: I've worked hard over the years to become abstruse to a degree befitting a cat.
EM: OB ... oh, never mind! {under her breath} Now I understand why Momma ends up in the closet after conversing with Bear!
BC: {back to threatening Ellie} Take this! And that!!! 
{Pause}
BC: {huffing and puffing} I'm out of breath!
EM: Whatever. Wouldn't it be funny if you had a heart attack?
BC: Let me tell you ... hearts are no match for Bear Cat Kat. I don't care. No heart is ever going to attack me and get away with it.
EM: That doesn't hurt.
BC: {changing spots quickly} How about this?
EM: Whatever. 
BC: What the mother-fanger is going on!?!?
EM: Maybe you're just not scary anymore.
{Pause}
EM: Or should I say, "not scary, except in appearance."
BC: My Momma says I'm adorable!
EM: Adorable ... for a shark. 
{Pause}
EM: You believe her?! {snickering} Bless your heart! I have a bridge to sell you!
BC: What would I need a bridge for?
EM: I'll even give it to you for free!
BC: As I was saying ... I don't really NEED a bridge ... but if it's free ... 
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! How did YOU get a bridge? {narrowing his eyes and whispering} You STOLE it!
EM: You can't steal a BRIDGE! E-bay.
BC: WHAT?!? Momma lets you use her account? I've been watching her really carefully for years in the hope that one day she slips and writes down her password!
EM: I suppose you could sell your autographs on there.
BC: Do they have tasty whole chicken farms on there?
EM: Sure, I was bidding on one last week.
BC: Wait, wait, WAIT!!! Were you buying the tasty whole chicken farm for me?
EM: No.
BC: This is just WRONG! You steal my ideas and my tasty whole chicken farm! As if stealing my Momma wasn't bad enough! Then you get a sparkly pink princess bazooka and a bridge!

EM: I'm Momma's precious princess!
BC: HEY! I'm MALE Princess Buttercup ...
EM: But Momma doesn't call you HER princess.
{Silence}
BC: RATS! This is a HORRIBLE day! Now where was I?
EM: Trying to hurt me.
BC: Not trying anymore, peaches. HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{Pause as Bear tries again}
BC: Nothing?
EM: Nope. Like I said, maybe your shark is broken.
BC: That can't be it ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... Momma showed you her trick!
EM: Trick?
BC: I'm not stupid! Momma told you to pretend it didn't hurt so I'd be de-moralized and leave you alone. She tries to pull that one ALL. THE. TIME. Most of the time she's pretty good at it too.
EM: Would that really work? That's actually really smart. Hahaha. How do you make a cat stop what he shouldn't be doing? PRETEND IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
BC: That's not what you're doing?
EM: No.
BC: &@^%! This isn't my #$&@! day! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!!!
{Bear attacks Ellie again}
BC: How about now!?
EM: GET OFF OF ME! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!!! HELP! Bear's being mean!
BC: I'm just giving you a hug!

EM: If you're giving me a hug, I'm a monkey's uncle!
BC: UNCLE! UNCLE!
EM: What?!
BC: You should be screaming in defeat! I'm calling your uncle for you.
EM: No, see ...
BC: I KNEW IT! Your Smellie-ness comes from your monkey-ness! You're not a Smellie Neigh ... you're a Smellie Cliche!
EM: GET. OFF. ME. or I'll fort you!
BC: Oh, yeah? Well, FORK YOU too!
EM: Not fork ... for ...
{Pause}
EM: OWWWW!
BC: HA!
MK: BEAR! ELLIE!!!
BC: I didn't do it! It's all Smellie's fault!
EM: Un uh! I don't even know what's wrong!
MK: Bear, you didn't attack the couch? Because there are two more holes in it now!
BC: Err ... NO ...

MK: So who did?
BC: Well, see, YOU said that you didn't want to hear about me attacking the couch again, so I was just trying to keep you from hearing about it when I attacked the couch this time.
MK: How kind of you.
BC: Don't say I don't give you anything! 
MK: {mumbling under her breath} Yeah. A headache!
BC: You're welcome. But while we're on the topic ... you keep track of how many holes are in the couch?! You have nothing better to do than count every tiny hole?!? On a REGULAR basis?
EM: She has better things to do! She could pet me! I love when she holds me and I get to bunt her face!
BC: BARF!
EM: Or she can feed me ...
BC: You need to be fed more like Momma needs more doughnuts!
MK: {changing the subject} What were you two doing? It seems like I interrupted something.
BC: Nothing!
MK: Why do I doubt that?
EM: Bear was being mean!
BC: You started it!
EM: Did not!
BC: Did SO!
EM: That's IT! I'm going to FORT you! HAHA!

BC: I fork YOU!
EM: I fork you too!
BC: I fork you more!
EM: I fork you most!

BC: You know, I'm not one to take a forking sitting down. Prepare to die.
EM: Not FORKING ... FORTING!
BC: I want to be a mother-forker! Hahahahaha. My fangs are kind of like forks, right? Some forks have four tines ... like I have four fangs.
{Bear goes up to Momma and bites her}

MK: OWW! That hurts like a mother-fu ...
BC: HA! I've still got the fork. May the fork be with me.
MK: What was THAT for?
BC: Ellie and I are forking!

MK: Not with real forks, you're NOT! Put that ...
EM: FORK YOU!

BC: That's IT! I've had enough of this disrespect!
EM: BRING it, mother-forker!
BC: Prepare for me to put a fork in you ... you're done!
EM: Oh, yeah?!?
{Ellie whacks Bear in the head with the fork}

MK: Ellie!
BC: Let me show you where to stick that fork!
MK: BEAR! Knock it off, you forkers!
BC: Ellie started it! She said she was forking me!
EM: Not FORKING ... FORTING!
BC: Well, why didn't you say that BEFORE?!? You have gas? I knew I smelled something a little off. You can take something for that you know!
EM: Not FARTING ... FORTING!
BC: {whispering} Isn't that {looking around} illegal?
EM: I don't think so ...
BC: {whispering} What are you forging? Please tell me it's a deed on a tasty whole chicken farm!
EM: Does EVERYTHING have to be about you or tasty whole chicken farms?
BC: Phht. And you claim to be SMART. Took you long enough to figure it out. WOMEN!
EM: Oh, yeah?!? You keep mis-hearing me because you're not really listening! MEN! You tune us out and then get mad when you miss stuff.
BC: You DO have gas, don't you?
EM: {sigh} NO! That's FARTING. I built a fort to keep you out.
BC: You built a fort on my spaceship?
EM: Aggravated that you didn't think of it first?

BC: Phht. No.
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} Maybe a little bit. {GASP} You even have a princess flag on your fort! This is the most painful forting EVER!
The Boy: What the FORK is going on out there?! I'm trying to work!

BC: What does he care that we fork?
EM: {whispering} I don't think he used the word fork ...
BC: Yeah. Probably not. Do you smell that?
EM: You're hopeless.
BC: You would be too if your Momma brought in a boy and a sister! I'm SCREWED!
EM: {under her breath} NOT what I meant ... 

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54 comments:

  1. Not sure we unnerstand the forkin', but we 'purreciate the lack of another such word that has an f. But, Bear, Ellie, us kitties are far smarter than any human, so we fur sure don't need to stoop to their level and use inapporpriate language and curse words. 'Member, we're far superior and can command any language we want. And, gettin' along gets you further with the humans. Mommy's always give more and better treats to good kitties. Mommy says so. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  2. Oooh a castle! Bear, what you need to do is forget the cutlery and get thee your own castle fit for a princess.... And bigger than Ellie’s THEN you can play ‘Keeping up with the MAE-bears Mol
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    Replies
    1. OOOH! You're RIGHT! My castle will be bigger than HER castle! ~Bear Cat

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  3. MOL! But really, you two shouldn't hit each other with forks. It's all fun and games till someone gets their eye poked out!

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    1. That's what my Momma said! How did you know?!? ~Bear Cat

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  4. Every kitty should have a castle! Hey Bear, at least you weren't forking bare!

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  5. MOL you two are so funny!!

    The Florida Furkids

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    Replies
    1. We LOVE to hear that! We're better with an audience! ~Bear Cat

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  6. We are glad mom hasn't let us have forks. . . with four of us!

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    Replies
    1. "Let" is a bit of a misnomer ... we kind of do what we want ;) ~Bear Cat

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  7. That's a very nice fort, Ellie! Stop fork fighting, you two - very dangerous. And probably best not to fart either. Too many F words going on here, especially for the hard of hearing, like Bear appears to be.

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  8. Okay, forking might be better than being called, "Hole Punch" which is what our Mom calls anyone who bites her. "Hey! You forked me!" Yeah, that definitely sounds better.

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  9. Ellie, your fort is magnificent, and we have to say that flag was a great touch!

    Tell MK she'll much happier if she doesn't count those holes. The lady has personal experience with things like cat scratches and worse.

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    Replies
    1. I love my fort too! And NO BOYS ARE ALLOWED! ~Ellie Mae

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  10. Ellie, so glad you have such a nice fort to get in with Bear on the attack. You sure know how to handle him. You all have a fantastic week end. Bear, no more biting.

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    Replies
    1. But ... but ... how do I have fun without biting?! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Your fort is pawsome, Ellie ! Purrs

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  12. cute post.like pictures too. Followed you on Google+.

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  13. AMARULA: I am armed with a fork and ready to help you take down EM's fort anytime!!!

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you're on my side, Amarula! Ellie has no idea what she's in for! ~Bear Cat

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  14. "Wouldn't it be funny if you had a heart attack?!" You two crack us up! Your sibling rivalry is hilarious! ;p
    Ellie Mae, enjoy your fort!! Malou will help you protect it any time you ask her! :D

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. There's plenty of room for her! We love Duffy vs. the girls - that always cracks us up!

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  15. Ellie Mae, you are SO right about men not listening! Or they're only half listening and then get it all wrong. Be careful with those forks...no one wants an emergency vet visit!

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    Replies
    1. My Momma said it's all fun and games until some-kitty gets hurt. ~Ellie Mae

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  16. Bear, we think you are rubbing off on Ellie, because she was starting to lose us with her logic and wordplay too! MOL

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  17. I'm with Roby above...and....ok Bear, you said you were "hugging" Ellie but.....for a second I thought this was kitty porn! MOL! xoxo
    catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. It does kind of resemble kitty porn, doesn't it? Or so I heard from a friend ;) ~Bear Cat

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  18. Somebuddy needs to take those eating utensils away from you two. ;)

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    1. My Momma said it's all fun and games until some-kitty gets hurt. ~Bear Cat

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  19. We suspect your mom is not pleased with the forking escalation.

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    Replies
    1. She just said no knives! ~Bear Cat
      She didn't say that! ~Ellie Mae
      SHUT UP! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Whoa! She's got a mouth on her for an interloper. Is she a good fork at least?

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    Replies
    1. Momma spit her water out all over the computer after reading your comment. That's one of the reasons we love you, CK. Keeping it real!

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  21. Mother forker ....bahwhahahahahhahaha. That made me laugh.

    Psst: you know what forks are also good for - cutting up whole tasty chickens. You are welcome. XOXOX, Rosie

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    Replies
    1. I wouldn't know ... because SOMEONE is misappropriating my tasty whole chickens! ~Bear Cat

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  22. Forkin', Fartin', Fortin'... Boy-oh-boy, Bear. You sure do have to put up with a lot. MOUSES!

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  23. Very nice castle. It is nice to see you two playing. I know you love each other. XO

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  24. MOL. You two are forking hysterical! Careful, though ... it's always fun until somebuddy loses an eye!

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    Replies
    1. Why does everyone keep saying that?!? It's like everyone wants to ruin my fun! ~Bear Cat

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  25. Bear, I have my doubts about what you were doing when you said you were hugging EM!!!

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  26. Bear! You two make me laugh! All that forking around made my Mom laugh so hard...coffee came out her nose! Way too much fun!
    Purrs
    Marv

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  27. "Mother forker"... tee hee hee. I'll have to write that down in my notebook of "Bear phrases." Its like when Mom says boys come with their own book of phrases that they all seem to know. Well Bears I guess do, too. Paw high fives!

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