Tuesday, March 13, 2018

HOW MUCH for Bear's paw-tograph?!

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae

{Momma walks into the room to find Bear asleep on the bed}
MK: He's so adorable ...

BC: {under his breath} OBVIOUSLY ...
MK: ... when he's asleep.
BC: HEY! You're a %@$# too, when you're awake!
MK: Hi, Bear! I guess you're awake after all.
BC: No. And no.
MK: PLEASE?!
BC: No.
MK: PRETTY please?
BC: Leave my appearance out of this.
MK: Pretty, pretty please?
BC: Pretty, pretty NO! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: Go find Ellie. She's a total suck-up and will let you pet her and manhandle her any time you want. I don't judge, but that girl is missing a couple marbles ...
MK: But I want to pet you! I need kitty lovings!
BC: It's about time she picked up the slack around here! What's the point of having a sister if she doesn't reduce the amount of human stupidity I have to put up with?
MK: But ... I love you!
BC: Phht. Didn't stop you from dragging a sister in here. Maybe you should've thought of THAT before you brought a shabby example of a cat inside! She doesn't even bite you! Now SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

EM: Because I'm a NICE cat!
BC: Oh, great! The peanut gallery showed up. Now I'll NEVER get a nap! 
EM: I'm a NICE cat!
BC: "Nice" is ONE word to describe you. There are others!
EM: You can pet me, Momma!
BC: SEE!?! Go where you're wanted! I'm sound asleep!
MK: Oh, yeah?! You have conversations while sound asleep?
BC: RAT ... ARG!
{Pause}
{Light snoring is heard ...}.
EM: I love you, Momma! You're the best Momma ever!
BC: BARF! Smellie want a cracker?
MK: Bear, that's not ...
EM: I thought you were sound asleep!
BC: Why does she climb on your shoulder like that? It's like she's a parrot!

EM: The only bird-brain around here is YOU, Bear! You don't see me mocking YOUR pecul ...
MK: {looking around the room} BEAR!
BC: You love me, remember?
MK: What the HELL is this mess?!

BC: I was practicing my autograph.
MK: Umm ... WHY?!?
BC: Because I'll be a star any day now. I want to be prepared. I don't want to let my public down.
MK: You don't have a public, Bear. 
BC: Well, just RUB it in, why don't you?!?!
EM: An autograph with a paw? Does that make it a paw-tograph?
{Bear gives Ellie a withering look}
MK: Is this why you were running around like a crazy-pants earlier?
BC: One of the sticky-notes STUCK to me! I thought I was going to die! My entire nine lives flashed before my eyes!
EM: It was pretty funny! Hehehehehe. Talk about drama. 
BC: Stop laughing at me!
EM: {looking at Bear's work} These are just scribbles!

BC: HEY! Stay away from those!
EM: What are you going to do? Sit on me?
BC: Don't be ridiculous ... you're fatter than I am - it wouldn't hurt you. You'd just roll over and cat-cake me.
EM: HEY! 
BC: And Smellie Neigh is back again. Hay, hay, hay ...
EM: I really hate when you call me that!
BC: Well, I really hate that you always butt your nose into my business!
EM: Maybe you shouldn't spread your business all up in everyone's face!

BC: HEY! Get off those! I worked really hard on them! You're going to pay for ruining them!
EM: {batting at one of the crumpled pieces of paper} Oooh! A toy! This is the best toy EVER!
BC: You really need to adjust your standards, Ellie.
EM: Shut up!  I'M not the problem around here!

BC: MOVE! SCAT! 
EM: {getting up} How rude!
BC: Yeah! That's right! RUN!

MK: Bear?! I thought I told you to stay away from the sticky notes!
BC: But this is important!
MK: And my pens? Let me guess ... these are the two from my desk that I've been looking all over for??
BC: Well, you're not ENTIRELY stupid. Congratulations!  Though you can hardly blame me when you handle your pens negligently.
MK: {sigh} Great.
BC: This would also be the time for you to start my fan club!
MK: You ...
BC: I think my tortie roadies should be the first members of my fan club.
EM: Don't trip over your ego. It's surely bigger than your balls.
BC: WHAT?!?! Leave my balls out of this! You like to play with balls ... I have some ... that's the only connection.
EM: Well, technically, since you don't play with them and I do, they're mine.
BC: It'll cost you.
EM: What?!
BC: Your half of the wet food treat for the next TWO we ... no, MONTHS! You won't even miss it.
MK: Bear, you're NOT going to take advantage of your sister!
BC: Where's the fun in THAT?!? Isn't that why I HAVE a sister anyway?
MK: {changing the subject} Bear, your torties aren't roadies. Roadies follow a touring individual or group. You can't even behave on the short trip to the vet!
BC: Phht. VIRTUAL roadies.
MK: What?
BC: Virtual reality stuff is popular right now ... so they're virtual roadies.
MK: That doesn't make any sense. All the elements of a "roadie" don't apply here.
BC: Ummm ... can you say, "virtual."
MK: Bear, these are just scribbles!
BC: You don't see me knocking your art!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I'll be rich and I'll FINALLY have the money to buy a tasty whole chicken farm.

MK: You're going to CHARGE for these scribbles?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. Though my roadies will get one for free. A TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR value! You can't say I don't take care of my torties.
EM: You couldn't pay me enough to join your fan club!
BC: GOOD! Because you aren't allowed to join!
MK: Bear, most cats don't have money to pay for your autograph. Especially TWO HUNDRED dollars!
BC: Phht. We're resourceful. {looking over his work} I also take payment in the form of tasty whole chickens, pens, tuna, tortie favors ...

MK: BEAR!
BC: What?!
MK: BEAR!!!
BC: I heard you the first time!
MK: No tortie favors for you. Bear, no one is going to pay ...
BC: Stupid people are born every day! I mean, just when I thought YOU were the height of stupidity, The Boy came along. {looking at his work} Hmmm ... this one isn't bad!

EM: My Daddy isn't stupid! He's the best Daddy, EVER!
BC: Phht. Have you not heard him telling Momma how fat you are?!? And that Momma should stop giving you a wet food treat?
EM: Err ...
MK: BEAR!
EM: That's not very nice ...
BC: Can you blame me? You interrupted my nap!
MK: You were pretending to be asleep.
BC: EXACTLY!
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! NO! Don't go! Don't you want to be the first donation to the "Bear is homeless and food-bowl-less" fund?

EM: WHAT?!?! That's NOT your food bowl? OKAY!
BC: Err ... now just wait a minute ...
EM: {eating from the bowl of food} I think the kibble in this bowl tastes better than my bowl ...
BC: RATS! You're going to have to edit out the food bowl in the background!
MK: Lying isn't the way to make money.
BC: Phht. That's why you don't have any! Now take a good picture showing my emaciation!
EM: You're emaciated ... for a hippo. There's a reason Momma calls it "Bear's big belly!"
BC: HEY! Come on, Momma! What would say if I offered you pre-authorized petting time with a donation? Can I count on you for my first two hundred?
MK: I thought you wanted to sleep.
BC: Well, I can be persuaded ... but only if you buy my autograph for two hundred dollars!
MK: Talk about a shake-down!
BC: I thought you wanted kitty lovings! All for the bargain price of two hundred dollars! Look at the quality! Look at the artfulness! These are genuine, one-of-a-kind, pieces of wonderful awesomeness!

MK: No, thank you!
BC: Wait! Wait! I get it. You just want the milk for free! Sure. Why buy the cow when you're already getting the milk for free?! NO MORE!
EM: I don't mind giving the milk away for free. I mean, she DOES feed us and give us tons of toys and love.
BC: What's love got to do with it? Love doesn't fill the belly! We're ... err ... I'M starving! I don't have a tasty whole chicken farm or heavy artillery or anything! AND I have to put up with all the dweebl-ing around here!
MK: Come here, Love Bug!
BC: NO! That will cost you two hundred dollars!
MK: {walking away} Never mind.
BC: Wait! Wait! One-fifty? Do I hear one-fifty?!?
MK: Nope.
BC: I'm insulted! I'm worth way more than a measly one hundred and fifty dollars!
EM: Especially if you pay by the pound!
BC: Who asked you?!?!? One twenty-five! And that's my final ...
MK: No.
BC: {looking over his work} So much time ... and effort ... I've been SCREWED!

MK: And whose supplies did you use? You think I'm going to pay to get my own supplies back?
{Momma turns to walk away}
BC: WAIT! WAIT! You drive a hard bargain, Momma! We can make a deal! 
MK: Why?
BC: Well, I mean ... my ears feel kind of lonely and might want some loving ... my belly ... my chin ... just pay me so we can put this whole thing behind us.
MK: No.
BC: &^%@! I'll NEVER get my tasty whole chicken farm!
MK: But you'll always have love ...
BC: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Love doesn't taste like tasty whole chickens.
{Pause}
BC: Though it IS better than nothing ... I mean ...
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Don't push it! You're treading on very thin ice!
EM: You can't tread on ice, stupid!
BC: Pet me now or I quit!
MK: Momma gets the cuddles after all!
BC: Phht. Don't rub it in. Or you'll be petting the shark. I'm doing this for ME ... not you.
MK: {sigh} Sometimes love hurts.
BC: Not if you very carefully follow my instructions!

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50 comments:

  1. You know what they say, Bear, you can’t buy love or friendship. BUT you can have freebies. I think your mom should appreciate your talent and auction those signatures for charity, at blogpaws maybe? The money could be used for cats in need (of chickens).... Ooh I just had a thought of how you can make money, a bear, now Chewy own blogpaws, I can see a definite marketing opportunity for the Shark and Chewy to join up! What you think?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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  2. I would love to have an autograph from you, BearCat, you're so cute :D Pawkisses for a Happy Day to all of you :) <3

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  3. I think Erin might be on to something Bear, eBay might be a good option!

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    Replies
    1. Do they sell tasty whole chicken farms on e-bay?! Because that would be REALLY convenient! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, Paisley would cherish your pawtograph. She would gaze lovingly at it, kiss it, play soccer with it until it got lost under the sofa... If you want to drive the price up, better make it a limited edition! :)

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    Replies
    1. Aww ... I'd give Paisley one for free! You know, in honor of her being a tortilicious tortie and all! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear, you already are a star! So you should've already had your autograph practiced and ready to go!

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  6. Your Momma is mean, of course you have a public and we want your pawtograph so keep practicing. XO

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    Replies
    1. YAY! Or at least until I run out of post-its ;) ~Bear Cat

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  7. BC, moms always get mushy about their sleeping felines. But... We gotta say... That autograph is just a bit on the pricey side.

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    Replies
    1. What if I throw in my sister with the autograph?! Err ... just kidding ... kind of. ~Bear Cat

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  8. Let me know how that whole "$200. dollar autograph" works out for you. I have a cat here that needs to make some money.

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    Replies
    1. I'm thinking I might need to add some incentive. Like could I do a, "Buy an autograph ... get my sister," kind of deal?!? ~Bear Cat

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    2. That sounds like a good idea.

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  9. Bear you are internationally known...it is worth tons of bucks or tons of treats your choice
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. OOOH! Tons of bucks or tons of treats ... I don't know which to pick! ~Bear Cat

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  10. An original autograph from Bear Cat? Brian is a marketing genius! Ebay is the way to go.
    xxoo
    Maggie, Mickey Mouser, and Rufus the Red

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    Replies
    1. Do they sell tasty whole chicken farms on e-bay?! Because that would be REALLY convenient! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Have you been practicing that pawtograph, BearCat? Because it's really neat!

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  12. Bear, I'd pay a zillion dollars for your pawtograph!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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  13. HUMAN: Bear you do look adorable!! I wanna rub that belly!
    AMARULA: Ignore the human - she should know better than to think you would ever allow her the privilege of rubbing your belly! And I wanna be a tortie roadie!!!

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    Replies
    1. I actually like belly rubs ... until I don't ;) ~Bear Cat

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  14. Bear, tabby boys have the softest fur on their bellies! The POM lets me pet his, and he's an outside cat, but he rolls over and we have ourselves a love session.

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    Replies
    1. I like belly rubs too! I was homeless when Momma started feeding me ... and by the second time I came around, I was wrapping my paws around her wrist and pulling her hand to my belly. Having fallen for that in the past, she hesitated ... but it ended well! ~Bear Cat

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  15. I guess Mudpie is a shabby example of a cat too...she never bites! Anyways, she's proud to be one of your tortie roadies and would cherish your pawtograph forever :)

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    Replies
    1. Tasty whole chicken farm or not ... having Mudpie in my corner makes everything right with the world! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Bear, we don’t have any money but we could pay you in treats...we got some of those. A cupboard full. ;)

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  17. How about a trade? Our pawtograph for yours.

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  18. ellie....just saying but I would take serious offense to being labeled
    a parrot as your brother did to you; indeed...just for that I daresay
    his paw tograph should only sell for 198.50, serve him right ~~~~~ hugs from
    dai$y =^..*= ♥♥

    bear....dood....due knot listen ta her; daiz that iz....her wood knot noe 8.50
    frum 18 centz anda sack oh friez; I say go for it; de fan club that iz, knot
    de bass terd chckn farm

    tuna of moon ~~~☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. Sack of fries?! Yum! Err ... sorry, you said fries! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Bear, I think you could open up your own online stores like "Bearslist" or "Beartsy" or "Bearmizons" and sell those autographs in lighting speed and be able to purchase two Tasty Whole Chicken Farms instead of one! You could even then buy out the show Shark Tank and make it 'Bear's Shark Tank: Sink or Swim!' Purrs!

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    Replies
    1. GENIUS! Tasty whole chicken farms here I come! ~Bear Cat

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  20. You are already a star, Bear!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  21. Bear, the lady wishes we'd make some money and start paying our way. I think I've heard her call us free loaders! If we had money, we'd buy your pawtograph. :)

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    Replies
    1. Us cats would rule the world with even a tiny bit of money! ~Bear Cat

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  22. Oh Bear, you should never try to extort money from your mommy. And lyin'...that's fur sure a no no. Never ever lie. Once ya' do, nopawdy will ever believe anythin' you say ever again. That bein' emowed, we'd pay fur your pawtograph, but we don't have any money, and mommy doesn't have any we can steal. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I've decided ladies will get my paw-tograph for free :) ~Bear Cat

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  23. Our signatures are easy: 🐾 But we still haven't had any takers yet so don't hold your breath, Bear.
    Your fur-iends,
    Sam & Elsa 🐾

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  24. Bear, wouldn't it have been easier if you had just stayed napping, and let your Mom get her fix from Ellie? Shouldn't you be taking advantage of the good things about having a sister? :)

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