Friday, March 2, 2018

TANKS-giving

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: PSST!?!
MK: Bear?
BC: PSST!
MK: Bear?!
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MK: Bear ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Momma?!
{Momma looks around}
MK: Where are you?
BC: Back here! Behind the cat tree!

MK: Why are you back there?
BC: Remember the other night when I ran under here and Ellie'd taken my hiding spot?
MK: Yes.
BC: Well, I'm spending all day here so she doesn't get a chance to steal my hiding spot again.
MK: Is it really worth your entire day to avoid having your teeth brushed? 
The Boy: It never works for him ... you always drag him out one way or another - even if you have to do it with your legs flailing around, upside down, and unnaturally contorted.
BC: Whatever. I wasn't talking to you. ANYWAY, I need help.
MK: Excuse me?! MY help?
BC: Well, I mean, you're not COMPLETELY useless.
MK: Great. Let me guess ... you want me to help you own a tasty whole chicken farm, a bazooka, and a tank.
BC: No.
{Pause}
BC: Well, I mean YES. But those things aren't on my mind at the moment.

MK: That's encouraging.
BC: Yeah. Whatever. Turning my spaceship into a tank made me think of all the ways I can limp out my spaceship.
MK: Limp?
BC: {sigh} I guess I should've known.
MK: What?!
BC: You aren't the kind of cool kid who has the 911 on limping out one's ride!
MK: 411?
BC: Who's one-one?
MK: WHAT?!?
BC: You said "for one-one!" What's for one-one? My limped out ride?
MK: PIMPED out ride, Bear.
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME if I'm not up on what the uncool kids call it.
MK: Cool kids ... non-cool kids ... it's still PIMPING out one's ride.
BC: Then, I want to be a pimp.
MK: Pimp is just slang ... a person who pimps out their ride isn't a pimp.
BC: One's pimping, but they're not a pimp? You humans make no sense!
MK: I should know better.
BC: You say that a lot while I'm around.
The Boy: You can't get a single euphemism, sarcasm, or slang word right. "Limping" out your ride?! "911?" You pretend to know everything but only nonsense comes out of your mouth.
BC: Better to pretend I know everything than to actually know nothing - like you!
The Boy: You're lucky your Momma loves you. 
BC: That's not luck. That's my  ... BIRD!

The Boy: What?
BC: I saw a bird outside! This corner is the best bird watching in the entire house!
The Boy: You were saying something's not luck ... it's your????
BC: Due!
The Boy: I wouldn't put up with your Bear-ness.
BC: You can't bear my bear-ness?
MK: ANYWAY! What kind of pimping have you considered?
BC: A tortie, some gingers ... and I get to sample the merchandise ... 
{Bear stops talking when he sees the look on Momma's face}
BC: Umm ... you meant pimping in terms of my ride.
MK: Isn't that what we were talking about?
BC: I don't know ... beats me. I don't exactly listen to you. But back to business, I mean, it's hard to beat that tank ... 

{Pause}
BC: {laying out the plans} But I have some pretty fascinating ideas. For one ... I was thinking a cluck-mobile.
MK: A WHAT?!
BC: A chicken chasing car.
MK: "CHIX CHASR?"

BC: Vanity license plate. It's worth the extra couple dollars.
MK: Which you got from where exactly?
BC: Err ... that's what a friend said. You know, one of those rascally cats who's always misbehaving, not following directions, and being downright obnoxious. Lucky for you, I have proper respect for authority.
MK: Proper authority?
BC: Phht. Me.
The Boy: Why am I NOT surprised?!
BC: Okay. So I guess you DO know something ... and since it's about me, that will look upon you favorably when the quarterly reviews are written.
The Boy: Quarterly reviews?
BC: {sigh} I guess I should know it couldn't last.
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEY!
BC: It wasn't me! My fangs are over here.
The Boy: Your Momma grabbed my butt!
BC: EWW! The image ... EWWWWW!
The Boy: She man-handled me!
BC: Hmph. Now you know what it was like for me every time Momma cried over you and she got all grabby! Her middle-name is "manhandler!"

EM: {walking into the room} Meow m'ow.
BC: Oh GREAT! Trouble's here!
EM: Bear?! Where are you?
BC: It's classified! Don't attempt to look for ...
EM: Are you in the cat tree corner?
BC: RATS!

EM: You don't usually hang out under there ... what are you up to?
BC: It's classified.
EM: Spending all day under there so you're there first when it comes to torture time?
BC: How did you ... you couldn't know ... that's just freaky!
EM: You're predictable.
BC: {GASP} Take it back!
EM: No.
BC: I'm telling you ... if you don't take back calling me predictable, you'll be sorry. I'm a CAT! I keep everyone on their toes. 
EM: You wouldn't know how to cat if your life depended on it. You only know how to shark!
BC: It's funny you say that ... {laying out the plans} ... I have a plan for a shark-barque too!

EM: Of all the ridiculous ... you couldn't get any MORE ridiculous if you tried!
BC: I also know how to Male Princess! So I made plans for a princess carriage too!

EM: I spoke too soon!
BC: Who's predictable now?!?
EM: Might as well predict some pain in your future.
BC: Yeah. A pain-in-the-butt!
EM: SHUT UP!
BC: YOU shut up! Or I'll MAKE you sorry!
EM: How are you going to make me sorry when you won't move out of the corner?
{Silence}
BC: RATS!!!
EM: So you're not leaving the corner for any reason?
BC: No.
EM: Good. Because the kibble tastes especially good today and I want to eat the whole bowl myself. And the second bowl too.
BC: Wait ... you can't ... MY bowl ... HUH?! What's that smell?
EM: I pooped a stinky poop in the non-stinky poop side of the litter box!
BC: YOU DID WHAT?!?
EM: I pooped a stinky poop in the non-stinky poop side.
BC: Why would you do that?
EM: I felt like it.
BC: Go back and move it to the stinky poop side!
EM: Make me.
BC: Oh, this REALLY just chaps my stripe-y pants! I can't beat you up because I can't leave this corner and now the litter box is ruined until Momma cleans the box and replaces all the litter in the box.
EM: Phht. You couldn't beat me up even if you COULD come out of the corner!
BC: That's it! I'm going to totally teach you a lesson! No one messes with Bear Cat Kat and gets away with it!
{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die. Because a whole world of furry fury is coming your way ... later.  
EM: Says the cat hiding in the corner because he doesn't want Momma to brush his teeth.
BC: I'm back here for FIFTEEN minutes and the neighborhood's already destroyed! Have I ever told you JUST how much I hate you?
EM: I hate you more!
MK: {looking through Bear's plans} I like this one! That bumper sticker is awesome!

BC: I love torties! And  ...
MK: You have exquisite taste, Bear.
EM: HIM?!? Taste?!? In butts maybe! Totally unappreciated taste in butts too!
BC: I only lick your butt to make sure you're not getting any food I'm not getting. Can you say SMELLIE butt?!
{Pause}
BC: But really ... I love ginger girls ... and black girls ... well, except for Smellie ... just call me a ladies' man!
EM: Note to lady cats ... RUN!
BC: Be careful, Smellie. My tank is only in storage ... if somecat - or person for that matter - needs some sense knocked into them ...
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... on second thought ... the cluck-mobile, my shark-barque, the princess carriage will have to wait because I need to keep the tank. Too much irreverence and witchiness around here. A stupid sister who ruins everything ... a grabby Momma ... an annoying Boy who always puts his nose where it doesn't belong ... yep. The tank is the way to go.
EM: A pink gun?! What does it shoot? Cotton candy? Rainbows?

BC: Why would it shoot anything?
EM: Why would you put a gun on your tank if it doesn't fire?!!
BC: For aesthetics. Much more intimidating that way.
EM: Or it makes up for a shortcoming in another department?
BC: Phht. There aren't ANY shortcomings in my departments ... except for the sister department.
EM: So Momma's fine?
BC: She's my Momma! What are you trying to say?
EM: You were talking about shortcomings ... usually you complain about Momma!
BC: HEY! I can complain about Momma, but no one else can! I love my Momma. Give her the proper respect!
{Bear exits the cat tree corner}
EM: You came out!
BC: Some things are worth losing your hiding spot for ... like Mommas! Her lap is lonely. I can tell!
MK: I love you, Bear.
{Bear jumps in Momma's lap}
BC: I love you too, Momma. PUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...

{Pause}
BC: But ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... don't get any ... PURR ... ideas. The tank ... PURR ... isn't tanked ... PURR ... it's just ... PURR ... in storage.
MK: I'll keep that in mind.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... Good! ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
EM: {to The Boy} And they make fun of us!

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50 comments:

  1. Bear, those photos were terrific and I really like the Royal you and your crown!

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  2. Oh my stars, Bear! I don't know who looks better in a crown; you or Lexy!

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  3. Wow, Bear, you could keep your tank and carry chickens in it too. And if you put a chicken bazooka on the tank, then it would be even scarier.

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    Replies
    1. Momma tells me the baby chicks are too adorable to be scary. I think she just wants to ruin my plan! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, you are just a big bunch of goo for your momma!

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  5. Bear....you are rockin' that tiara today...you know real men do wear tiaras!!
    Hugs madi your bfff
    PS tell Momma Kat I thank her for her kind comments on my tail. I do spend extra time grooming it.

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    Replies
    1. They totally do! One much be secure in his masculinity to rock a tiara. #missionaccomplished ~Bear Cat

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  6. Bear, I must say, your ride has a lot of bling. SWEET. Plus, I've heard bling is "in" with the pimps who limp out their rides. PURRS

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    Replies
    1. Now I'm confused again! Pimping limping? You should visit, Seville ... I'd let you try all my blinged up creations! ~Bear Cat

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  7. You look most handsome in your tiara, Bear!

    Is it starting to become a divided house at your home? ie. Bear cat and his Momma vs. Ellie Mae and her Papa? :p

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Yeah ... sometimes we are a bit divided. The Boy eats it up that he's Ellie's favorite and she adores her Daddy!

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  8. AMARULA: Bear I would ride in your cluck-mobile anytime! Honk! Honk!!

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  9. What's with the pimped out ride, Bear?

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    Replies
    1. You understand ... when one is stunning ... one deserves a ride with STYLE :) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Pssst, Bear, true nobility doesn’t do ‘pimp’ what you need is quiet understatement, like a Bentley or a Rolls. Then if you need your teeth doing, your batman or valet can have his teeth done instead of you. Now who do you think would best suit?
    Toodle pips
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. You gave me a lot to think about, Erin! I should know that for expert princess advice ... ask you! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Hey, a male Princess must have a stylish ride !

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  12. You look beautiful with that tiara, Bear ! Purrs

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  13. Whether you limp it or pimp it, your spaceship looks wonderful as a Princess carriage.

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  14. Aw, Bear, your love for your mamma is second to none!

    I can't decide which pimped out tank I like best. I'm leaning toward the carriage or the I Love Torties. :)

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  15. Wonderful rides you have there... I especially like the JawsMobile. Wouldn't all of them be terrific in a parade? You only need to get 3 or 4 more cats.
    xxoo
    Maggie, Mickey Mouser, and Rufus the Red

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    Replies
    1. Parade?!? Like to a tasty whole chicken farm? I'd get on board with that! ~Bear Cat

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  16. I love what you have done with your sleepy pod :) SO many cool ideas.

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  17. Bear, we do like how you pimped (er, um ... limped) your ride. It's a ladycat magnet, for sure (just like you)!

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    Replies
    1. Woo hoo! Torties ... ALL ladies ... here Bear Cat comes! TOOT TOOT! ~Bear Cat

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  18. I vote for the Jaws Mobile. It suits your purrrsonality.

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  19. Bear! Love what you hae done with your pod...but I'm disappointed that it is not a spaceship...
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. I know! Total bummer! At least I had the idea to jazz it up a bit! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Bear, can you teach me how to Male Princess? Please and thank you! Purrs, Evan

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    Replies
    1. Male Princesses are born, not made ... and we think you're downright regal when you're sitting in your sunpuddle by the front door! ~Bear Cat

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  21. Y Some of those plans are purretty neat Bear. Altho', we did think it was Male princess Buttercup...? We can't wait till you actually take that ride fur a spin. Where do you think you'll go? Ya' know, you could always come and visit us. You could even bring Ellie. What a time we'd have. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  22. Awwww...no matter what, we love that you always love on your Momma in the end, Bear!!

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  23. So Bear...could you pimp out my Mazda? 🚗

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  24. Who knew that sleepy pods could be so pimped out? Although the I Love Torties sticker kind of makes you look like a softie, Bear. (Ellie, I don't mean softie like fat. Like emotional softie. Don't try and twist my words around against Bear. Or do.)

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    Replies
    1. I have a weakness for torties. Who can blame me? ~Bear Cat

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  25. Wow Bear! I can't decide which of your "limped" rides I like best! You have so-o many now! But, your Royal Shakiness, if I had to choose I would say the shark. But maybe you could combine it with the tank and then you would have a Shark Tank! Tee hee hee. Paw high fives!

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