Friday, April 6, 2018

In session: The "Momma totally sucks," support group, part 2

If you missed the first part of this post ... In session: The "Momma totally sucks," support group, part 1.

BC: Before I was RUDELY interrupted ... we were going to recite our creed.
EM: Ummm ... no. YOU are reciting your creed. I'm a nice cat.
BC: Whatever. {AHEM!}

{Pause}
BC: Holy Catnip ...
Grant me the ability to appear nonchalant about the things I cannot change; 
The fortitude to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.
{Pause}
BC: Living one day at a time; Napping one moment at a time; Biting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
NOT taking this unfair world as it is, but demanding how I would have it; 
trusting that I will make all things my way if Momma surrenders to my Will; 
that I may be pleasantly aloof in this life and extraordinarily happy with tasty whole chickens and torties in the next. 
Amen.
{Silence}
EM: Ummm ... that's not the Serenity Prayer.
BC: I've never met Serenity - so why would I use her prayer?!
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... when did you decide to go undercover? 
BC: Shortly after I came out of the closet. 
EM: When was that? Because earlier I ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I get in enough trouble without becoming an accessory.
EM: Hiding under covers can be somewhat hazardous to your health, you know. Especially with two big people walking around in here. You're liable to be cat-caked by accident!
BC: I KNOW!!! For the past five years or so, I've stayed out from under the covers because of a certain traumatic experience ... {shuddering} I still can't talk about it. But that's not the issue. We're in the middle of a meeting! {AHEM}!
{Pause}
BC: Next order of business ... introductions! My name is ...
EM: HEY! Ladies should go first!
BC: I'd let a lady go first if there was one here!
EM: HEY!
BC: My name is Bear Cat Kat and my Momma totally sucks!

EM: My name is Ellie Mae Kat and my Momma sucks.
BC: {AHEM!}
EM: {sigh} FINE! My Momma TOTALLY sucks ...
BC: HMPH. That's better!
EM: ... But my Daddy is the best thing ever!
BC: BARF! Save it for a group I'm not part of! Now ... to the actual complaint portion of the meeting ...
{Pause}
BC: Let's discuss the liar we call Momma!
EM: Phht. No kidding. "I already fed you!" Yeah. Like fifteen minutes ago!!! That doesn't count!
BC: Back when I had Kitty as a sister, Momma swore I'd only get one sister - so I should be nice to her ... I was nice to her ... and now I have ANOTHER sister!
EM: Speaking of food ...
BC: Because what else do you ever think about?
EM: Momma made me walk ALL THE WAY down the hall for kibble. She'd just filled the bowl - and instead of just putting down the bowl for me in the kitchen as I was waiting patiently for - she took the bowl down the hall! I had to walk ALL THE WAY FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE BEDROOM to get my fresh noms!
BC: You're getting a lot of soft around the edges ... she did you a favor because you could use the exerci ...
EM: At least I'm not stupid enough to do what you do!
BC: Wait a ...
EM: When food's involved, you run from your bowl to the kitchen and back - like it might mean you'll get your food faster! Phht. EXERCISE. No, thanks!
BC: Hmm ... SISTERS. NO THANKS!
EM: And then last night, she kept our bowls in the dishwasher for fifteen minutes AFTER it was done! Since our bowls were in there, I had to eat the kibble from the mat, like a pig!
BC: Well, you DO kind of resemble a pi ...
EM: SHUT UP!
BC: Hey! It's the truth. You've exploded like a kernel of popcorn since you came to live here. And I have to share food with you!
EM: Why do you keep heckling me?! What's Momma done that's so horrible to you?!
BC: The other day, Momma only let me have a couple bites of her food.
EM: Wait ... WHAT!?!? Momma doesn't give me any of her food! I don't watch her while she eats because she's very miserly about sharing noms. I guess I'll have to stake her out too.
BC: RATS! So much for no competition!
EM: The other day, I went to see Momma in the bathroom and she wouldn't let me jump in her lap! Can you believe that?!?! She said she was "busy" - but was just sitting there staring at the wall.
BC: Ewww.
EM: And then ... and then ... I jumped on her lap later that day and she acted like I didn't belong there ... if I didn't know better, I'd think she felt I was interrupting something!
BC: You DON'T belong there! Her lap is mine!
EM: HMPH. I don't see YOUR name on her lap!
BC: That can be arranged, you know.
EM: What? You'll claw and bite your name in blood on her lap?
BC: I'm just misunderstood.

EM: You're not trying to be a shark?
BC: SEE?!?! I KNEW it! Misunderstood. I don't try ... I AM THE SHARK! 
{Pause for dramatic effect}
BC: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
EM: You're lucky Momma brushes your teeth ... otherwise you'd be a toothless shark.
BC: Whose side are you on anyway?
EM: I'm just saying ... you don't have to misbehave and be prickly to be a cat!
BC: Says the PARROT! YOU wouldn't know anything about being a proper cat! You just sit on people's shoulders and purr like a dog!
EM: Dogs don't purr ...
BC: AWK! Smellie want a cracker?
EM: Shut up!
BC: You think running from lap to lap ... jumping on anyone who will pet you is being a cat?!?!
EM: And you think biting anyone you can is being a cat?
BC: Phht. No. I'm the shark!
EM: That's one way to describe you ...
BC: And I'm a Male Princess! I even added a new bumper sticker to my spaceship! SEE?!?!
{Ellie sees a pink bumper sticker on Bear's spaceship that says, "Princesses R Us"}
EM: You missed something! I need a red pen ... hold on.
{Ellie paws the red pen on the bumper sticker ...}
EM: TADA!
{Ellie reveals that she crossed out the "ES" of Princesses, added a "NOT" after the R, and crossed out "US" in favor of you}
BC: Hahahahaha. Very funny. I'm going to start a "sisters suck" support group.
EM: Whatever.
BC: But back to discussing how much Momma sucks ... You know what's most galling?!?! She nominated OTHER BLOGS for the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards! Can you imagine that! She bet AGAINST us! And then we didn't become Finalists in the categories we should have! 
EM: Well, we do love Zulu ... that handsome, handsome, smexy black mancat!
BC: WHO?!
EM: Amarula's brofur!
BC: Did I mention that you have no taste in dudes?!
EM: Phht. At least I don't have the hots for FRODO! Amarula would die!
BC: {distractedly} Ooooh. AMARULA. Hey hey hey!
EM: We believe in our friends - even if it means we miss out. Momma's nomination meant Amarula's blog got the recognition it deserves. May the best cat win!
BC: Amarula IS extraordinary. But whose side are you on?!?! Momma nominated another bunch of blogs she believed in - and we were pushed out! Can you imagine?!?! She screwed us over! 
EM: That's not ENTIRELY true. We are finalists in the Best Written Pet Blog Post {sponsored} category. 
BC: But we missed out on "Best Pet Humor Blog" and "Best Cat Blog!"
EM: Hey. If we nominated our friends and they were judged to be better than us, we can't really complain.
BC: Phht. YOU can't complain ... I do what I want! And besides that, she brought in THE BOY! Now HE lives here too! Momma's always dragging in strays!
EM: DADDY?!?
BC: You mean DUMBNUTS?
EM: He's my Daddy and I don't appreciate you being un-nice to him.
BC: Well, he's NOT my Daddy and I don't appreciate you dweebling all over him! What is it with female taste around here?!? I guess there's no accounting for taste. The best taste you've displayed is being my friend.
EM: WE'RE ... FRIENDS?!?! This is going to be so much fun! We'll have a sleepover and braid each others' fur and talk about torties and have so much fun!!!
BC: Why do I get the feeling you set me up?
EM: Because you're not a TOTAL moron. Though I must admit, you make it easy.
BC: Thank you!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ...
{Bear looks around}
BC: Where'd she go?!?
{Pause as Bear looks around again}
BC: Uh oh. This isn't good. Why do I get the feeling something bad is about to happen?
{Pause as Bear looks around again}
BC: That's a problem! We were RIGHT in the middle of a meeting ... I never said the meeting was over! How rude! All of a sudden she ...
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
{Momma grabs Bear}
MK: Time for your nightly beauty routine!
BC: *^&@ the *&@^!!! RATS! YOU COULD'VE WARNED ME, SMELLIE!
MK: SIT STILL!
BC: &*@# the &@^%! I've had just about enough of this #&@% #&@! This was exactly what Ellie and I were talking about. YOU SUCK! And Smellie didn't warn me you were in the pantry getting the *&@ing toothbrush! She set me up!
{Pause}
BC: SMELLIE!!! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!
EM: {hiding in the corner} Hahahahahahahahaha. He gets so wound up in his complaining that he doesn't have any idea what's going on around him! Better him than me!
BC: &*@# the &@^%ing *^&@. Let me go or I'll *&@^ you up, Momma!
MK: Brushing your teeth and brushing you would go so much faster if you just cooperated.
BC: NEVER! Over my dead body!
EM: {from the corner} That can be arranged!
BC: You're the one that's dead! I PROMISE you that!

To check out all the 2018 BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Finalists: 2018 Nose-to-Nose Award Finalists. And while you're at it ... visit and congratulate all out talented friends!

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52 comments:

  1. Great fotos of you two. We can't believe ya'll are havin' a meetin' 'bout your mommy bein' mean. Ya' know, our mommy's would never do anythin' to hurt us. Least not on purrpuss. We are all so very blest to have such pawsum mommy's who luv us so much. Hope ya'll get it worked out. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  2. Okay gang, congrats on being a Finalist, that's super cool and purring proof that your support group isn't needed!

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  3. You're a smart cookie, Ellie Mae! :)

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  4. Finalist is pawsome! Good luck with that. EM, we can't believe your mom is making you WALK for your noms either.

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  5. Brilliant, Ellie! Good luck to all the finalists, in all the categories!

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  6. You two have it made in the shade...hear me now and believe me later!

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  7. The HUMAN: Congrats guys for your nomination! And thanks again for nominating us! I have no doubt you will one day win for humor! You always make us laugh

    ZULU: My fairest Ellie Mae, I've had to risk my life and lock Amarula out of the computer room while I compose this. I was charmed to hear that you are crushing on me. While I can't promise my love to only one lady cat, I want you to know that you have also stolen my heart. Your resplendent black mane and emerald eyes set my heart to leaping. I would go so far as to say I am especially jealous of your onyx fur. I am a Havana brown oriental but sometimes I long for the drama of a black ensemble. And I so sympathize with your battles with Bear (aka the American male version of my sister Amarula). Felines as good looking as us shouldn't have to put up with such shenanigans! Here's looking at you kid.

    AMARULA: Bear, I am thankful as ever that you rightly recognize my extraordinariness! And I am conflicted. Though I am thankful you nominated our blog and we are now finalists, I am chagrined that it makes you feel you may have been pushed out (frankly, between you and me, you are the funnier feline. I think the judges just took pity on me because of having to endure my horrible brothers Zulu and Frodo) But fear not my friend. If we win I shall share the trophy with you! You can have it for 6 months of the year! And if it happens to fall on your sister then you will indeed have the last laugh my friend!!

    FRODO: What's this about a NOMination? I don't see any nom noms anywhere! Don't worry Mr. Bear! I promise to share once I find them!!

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    Replies
    1. You all are so kind! We're very lucky to have such amazing friends :)

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  8. Oh my mouses, you are havin' peep problems, for sure. But you have a support group for your peep issues. How great is that? I wish I had a support group for my problems. Thing is, I'd be the only one in the group. MOUSES!

    But before I forget... CONGRATULATIONS!!! Congratulations are in order for your bein' a Finalist, for sure. PURRS.

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  9. Your momma is a total rock star for her nominations! We're so excited to find out the winners, and were delighted to see Hairballs and Hissyfits included. So deserved. I don't know about Mudpie, but Mudpie's Mommy has a HUGE cat crush on Frodo :)

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  10. You lost me when you said you CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!! Bear, I had no idea! Concats! If'n you had TW, you wouldn't complain about your humans. Your human doesn't use the F-word on you.

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    Replies
    1. Err ... when I'm the shark, I hear similar words! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Congratulations on your nomination. Bear, you really need to pay attention to your surroundings while you're ranting. How did that teeth brushing go. Hahaha. Ellie Mae 1, Bear 0.

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  12. We're very happy for you for your nomination and for everyone else that was nominated too.

    Bear, you crack me up! That popcorn kernel comparison was too funny. Ellie, that is so wrong of your mamma to make you walk for your noms.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Phht. If you saw her, you wouldn't laugh so hard! ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. Bear Cat and Ellie Mae,
    This organization you are forming sounds like it has a lot of purrtential. The Tribe of Five has many valid complaints about the Male and Female Human. We'll let you know how our first meeting goes. And we applaud you (the sound of paws clapping) for your Nose to Nose Award nomination.
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Oliver and The Tribe of Five

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  14. We're reminded of another creed that ends with "Now and at the hour of our death, amen." Let's hope things don't get out of hand. 😺
    Huge 'concatulations' for your Nose to Nose nomination!
    Your fur-iends,
    Sam & Elsa 🐾

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    Replies
    1. Thank you :) I don't even remember what life is like when things are "in hand."

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  15. Ohhhh Bravo on being a finalist at Blog Paws!!! We are very excited for you. I know your Mama is looking forward to meeting her friends at the big event.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  16. Congrats on your well deserved nomination! My cats really want to join this support group, they will bring a tasty whole chicken to the meeting. XO

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  17. Bear, if you didn't have a sister, who would you have these meetings with? Sam is now wishing she had a sibling so she could form a group as well! (we try to serve her meals on time, honest we do)

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    Replies
    1. Well, before ... I just meowed to myself about how horrible Momma is ... I guess it's nice to have someone to complain with. ~Bear Cat

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  18. I was thinking of starting a mouse appreciation society... for cats who like (to eat) mice. On the subject of humans creeping up on you with nefarious plans whilst having meetings, maybe a rear view mirror and motion sensors would help? OR you could put them off their guard/distract them by leaving doughnuts laying around?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ER

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    Replies
    1. OOH! Can we join?!
      We're going to look into those mirrors too!

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  19. Dear Bear...yoo always cwack me up. Concatulations on being a Blogpaws Finalist!
    Purrrs! Dori

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Reserve a spot for us in your cheering section!

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  20. You really need to keep a better eye out for what is going on, Bear. You obviously can't rely on Ellie to tell you when your Momma is sneaking up with the toothbrush.

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    Replies
    1. Siblings! Every time I think about what that means, I think of your boys :)

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  21. We're super happy that you are a finalist. It's so well-deserved! As for your Momma nominating others, that just means she's awesome and cool. At least in our book! :)

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  22. I know some mancats who like the sound of that support group! Congrats on the nomination!

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  23. BearCat and ELLie Mae, you two are quite the bro and sis. Very interesting my friends. Congratulations to you two furries and your wonderful mom for the nomination for the nose to nose award. Great going!

    Shoks and Jean

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  24. Your bloggie truly is full of humor and you do it so-o well each and EVERY post. Your bloggie certainly should've been included in that category too in addition to the one you are in, if you ask me! Say, your momma is a very kind lady with a big heart. I wonder is she's available for adoption? Tummy tickles!

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    Replies
    1. Re: Momma - Ummm ... if you say so, V.
      We can't wait to cheer you on!

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  25. Concatulations on getting the nomination! We have our claws crossed that you win! And I must say...I don't think that your Momma totally sucks...I mean you gotta like something about her...like how she brushes you and your fangs! And that she lets you wear princess crowns...
    I am glad that my Mom went out and got a new computer...now I just wish that never-ending rollout that she has been working on for ever and ever would finally get over and done and I, Marvelous got some attention.
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Awww ... you deserve attention, Marv! I bet my cats agree :)

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  26. guyz......we dunno...ya mite wanna ree can't that ree mark bout "momma sucks" in case her dee sidez
    KNOT ta feed ewe N tellz de dad ta due same ~~~~~~ N CONGA RATZ on yur nominashunz......we bee
    buzzed happee for ewe; tell mom ta haza AWESUM time at de con fur antz !! N safe travelz az well ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. Momma wouldn't really not feed us would she?!? Who are WE kidding! Our bowls are already empty! Err ... ISH.

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