Friday, April 13, 2018

More Momma Malfeasance

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: I need some aluminum foil.
EM: Not THAT again! 
BC: Do you know where Momma keeps the foil?
EM: Nonono. I'm not going to be an accessory to your misguided stupidity. Or be part of your next traumatic incident.
BC: Can stupidity really be misguided?! You call ME misguided and stupid ... but how else am I going to prevent being abducted by aliens?!
EM: Be yourself! Intelligent life forms wouldn't be stupid enough to abduct you.
BC: HEY! I'll have you know my vast intellect is envied across species. Whole civilizations could be fueled by my brain power.
EM: The only civilizations you could fuel would be limited to farting or burping. Oh. And biting.
BC: You're just jealous.
MK: Can you imagine? The stink you throw in the car on the way to the vet ... the aliens would dump you out before Mars.
EM: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
BC: OH! So now you two are ganging up on me?!? Is it Persecute Bear Day?!? Maybe it's WOMEN SUCK DAY!  Maybe it's THAT TIME OF THE MONTH DAY!
EM: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
BC: STOP LAUGHING AT ME or you'll be sorry!
EM: I can't help it! The madder you get, the funnier you are! You look like you're about to explode or take down a cabinet of inanimate objects. Anything that won't fight back. Hahahahahaha. Wimp.

{The front door opens}
EM: DADDY!
BC: DUMBNUTS! You're home! You're home! Good thing too! Girls are dumb! Momma kept saying, "Wait until your Daddy comes home ..." Well, you're home. Time for you to straighten Momma out. You wouldn't believe what Momma did to us!
The Boy: Hi, Buddy Bear. Hi, Baby Girl! Can I pet you?
EM: NO! Not until I give you a piece of my mind for leaving me! 
BC: That's good because you only HAVE a piece of mind!
EM: You left me here with THEM. There was no lap available. It was HORRIBLE! I had to sleep on the couch! My favorite toy got stuck under the couch! And then Bear was mean to me FOR NO REASON ...
BC: Don't be ridiculous. There was a reason ... you're alive. That's offensive to me.
EM: ... and then Bear ate a few pieces of kibble but there wasn't enough left over for me in the bowl and I was hungry!
BC: Phht. You had the WHOLE bowl! Minus a few pieces. That would be enough for even a pig!
MK: So you finally admit your food bowl was full?
BC: How many times do I have to explain this to you ... anything less than 92.845% full is the same thing as empty. By the time Ellie got to the food bowl, 96% was still there! NOT empty ... or not until she ate the rest of the bowl on her own.
EM: I told Momma I was hungry and Momma wouldn't give me treats!
The Boy: We agreed you'd watch what you eat ... you've become a bit ... VALUE-SIZED since you moved in.
EM: But ... but ... when I watch my food, I just get more hungry!
BC: The dreaded "D" word. Better you than me. 
EM: Dweebles?!?
BC: No. But that works too.
EM: De-fanged?
BC: That would be the worst! Without fangs, how does a cat provide feedback to his humans? What would be the point of living if one doesn't have fangs?
EM: Food?!
BC: You would say that, Miss Piggy. OH! Talking about being healthy and losing weight ... Momma only played with us for thirty minutes! She quit because she claimed she was the only one getting exercise. Phht. Ellie and I were moving our heads back and forth watching her run around like a fruitcake. We should've charged admission. I was huffing and puffing and thought my head might fly off.
The Boy: I'm sorry ... but you haven't said anything that was different today. That's all stuff she did when I worked from home.
{Silence}
EM: You're RIGHT! You condone her mean-inity! And I thought you were my Daddy!
The Boy: Somehow, after listening to you two, I only feel bad for your Momma. Talk about a couple of dump trucks full! Any other person would be at the bottom of a tall, strong drink ... and a bottle of headache medicine.
EM: But we were the ones mistreated!
BC: Headache medicine?! You mean I can take a pill and Ellie will disappear?!? SIGN ME UP!
The Boy: And yet the morning started out with one VERY grumpy cat staring at his Momma from a foot away.

BC: She made me move so she could get up! I wasn't done snuggling with her! Momma snuggles are serious business around here.
The Boy: You sat there for forty-five minutes giving her a super grumpy look.
BC: How else is she going to learn the lesson?
The Boy: We knew it was going to be a bad day since you woke up teed off.
BC: SERIOUSLY?! Is this Persecute Bear Day?!?
The Boy: Isn't that every day!?!
BC: Finally! You admit it!
The Boy: Oh, for the love ...
BC: Why don't you tell him what YOU did, Ellie!
EM: I didn't do anything!
BC: Wrong and right at the same time ... your royal fatness sleeps all day, so technically, you do nothing ... but you also stole my bed, which IS something! 

EM: I couldn't find you ANYWHERE! I kept meowing and looking around for you and I couldn't find you! I just wanted to be close to you.
BC: No. You just wanted my cat bed! Now the bed is RUINED because it smells like you, Smellie!
EM: Where were you?!
{Bear thinks back to his hiding place}

BC: I'm not giving away my secret ...
EM: I thought you might've been abducted by aliens.
BC: Sheesh. Always a conspiracy theory. I was in my ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! You ALMOST tricked me into giving away my secret hiding place.
EM: Come on, Bear! Tell me!
BC: NEVER! That would be just one more thing you make me share.
EM: PLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE?!? I'm asking nicely.
BC: I'm replying nicely ... NO!
{Momma nabs Ellie to distract from the brewing argument}
EM: *&@# the #!@% ^&&!!! She's got the @#$%! clippers! SAVE ME! Bear?!?! BEAR?!?!
BC: Save YOU?! No thanks! Every princess knows she must save herself.
EM: And how did that go the last time you got it in your head to screw with the aluminum foil?
BC: You're VASTLY overestimating the traumatic ramification of the situation.
MK: Why am I clipping your claws? Earlier when Bear clawed me, I realized you two were due for a clipping.
EM: But I never use my claws on you!
BC: SUCK UP! You're just too goody-goody to be THE SHARK.
EM: A shark doesn't have claws, Bear.
BC: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT, SMELLIE!
MK: HOLD STILL!
EM: This is YOUR fault, Bear! All because you can't keep your claws to yourself!

{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the claw}
BC: That little piggy went to market!
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: That little piggy stayed home.
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: That little piggy had roast beef.
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: That little piggy had none.
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: And the little piggies cried "wee wee wee" all the way home.
{SNIP!}
MK: Bear! You're NOT helping!
BC: I was just acquainting Smellie with her relatives! OINK! OINK! Get it?!?
{Silence}
BC: She's a piggy! So her relatives are ...
{Pause}
BC: Tough crowd.
{Momma lets Ellie go}
BC: BYE!!! I'm getting out of here before Momma grabs me.
{We omit the "R-rated" catching and claw clipping of Bear ... let's just say that the list of curse words he heard Momma say - and he wrote down for future use - is quite impressive}
{WET FOOD TREAT TIME!!! The only quiet time in the Momma Kat household as both cats are too busy eating to fight}
{Fifteen minutes pass until Momma stops in her tracks when she sees Ellie's food plate}

MK: Oh, for the LOVE! Did you eat any wet food or did you just push it across the plate and onto the floor?
EM: {BURP}.
BC: You just asked a rhetorical question, Momma.
MK: Ellie's a bulldozer!
BC: Hahahahahaha. She IS a dozing bull! When she ambles by ... WATCH OUT! Or lose your shorts! Hehehehehehehehehe.
MK: Bear ... of all the ...
EM: {BURP}.
{Bear bursts into laughter}
BC: More like a food dozer! She's either eating or sleeping. Those are her two modes.
EM: {BURP}. Shut up, Bear.
BC: Now you know what it's like!
EM: You ALWAYS laugh at me.
BC: Not ALWAYS ... just most of the time.
MK: You're almost as bad as Kitty. She'd spit the chunks out all over the floor. Talk about a mess.
BC: I suppose that was in the eye of the beholder ... or so I should say, the MOUTH of the beholder doing clean up duty. It worked out pretty well for me.
EM: {BURP}.

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40 comments:

  1. Poor Ellie, we're sorry your dad wasn't there when you wanted him. You will get used to it though, and really it's better this way - you get to be left in peace!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But ... but ... I don't WANT to be left alone. I want to be able to jump in my Daddy's lap whenever I want! ~Ellie Mae

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  2. Flynn also used to make a mess like that when he ate, Ellie. If it was something he didn't like though, he would hook it out with his claw and fling it over the fridge door! You will have to watch Bear carefully if you want to find out where he was hiding.

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    Replies
    1. The more we learn about Flynn, the more we love him!!!

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  3. Well, I'm a bit of a messy eater too and that could be why I always have a paper towel as a place mat. We can leave the paper towel down too long though because Sister Seal will chew it up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha. Gotta love it. Cats and their peculiarities!

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  4. Manny and Chili Bruce still need their claws trimmed; the new pair of clippers is still in it's package!

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  5. AMARULA: Bear - you sound just like me - the very existence of Zulu (who is indeed being good by all reports while the human travels) and Frodo is an insult to my very existence! I am expecting the human to bring back some whole tasty SPANISH chickens which i will share will you to make up for abandoning us!!

    ReplyDelete

  6. Ellie Mae, next time The Boy leaves you for an extended period, you should find his favourite shoe and you know . . . leave him a present!

    Bear, deep, deep, deep, deep down, we know you would be lost now without Ellie Mae ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

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  7. I dunno, Bear, you're sister is mean and deserves your wrath and other things. Hope you got MK good when she came for your claws.

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    Replies
    1. Where do you think I got all the words for my list of curse words?!? ~Bear Cat

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  8. What I want to know is, did Bear ever get his aluminum foil? Ellie Mae, you'll have to stalk Bear to find out where his new hiding spot is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But he's SOOOOOOOOO boring! Though if he HAD gotten the aluminum foil things would've been MUCH more interesting! ~Ellie Mae

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  9. Wow, the look on Ellie's face... I would NOT want to mess with her! It sounds like clipping Bear's nails is like when we clip Olive's nails. Must be censored!

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  10. Oh my mouses, Bear. Great minds DO think alike, for sure. I'm workin' on my blog post tomorrow and I'm gonna be blogging 'bout food, too! Let me tell you somethin', that brother Rushton of mine is like a bottomless pit. MOUSES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is there anything better than food?!? Phht. Not likely. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Oh Ellie, did your daddy call you...fat? Value sized indeed!!!! Hmmpht How dare he? We're sure he ain't no svelte panfur either. And what happened to make you wake up in a bad mood Bear? Bad moods don't start 'round here least till after brekky is served. Can't upset the food service ya' know. Now why did ya'll have to remind mommy we needed a claw clippin'? Sometimes, ya' just gotta keep your claws to yourself. Help us out here dude. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What fun is keeping one's claws to himself?!? It's not a party until you draw blood! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. Bear, you gave your momma a grumpy look for 45 minutes? That's persistence!

    Ellie, I, Annie, like you, love food! LOVE food! I'm sorry you miss your daddy. I hope you two have lots time together in the evenings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phht. Now I ignore him. See how he likes it! ~Ellie Mae

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  13. Nail trimming is no fun- for kitties or their folks :)

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  14. Ellie Mae, we are appalled that your daddy just went away like that, and that you were left without a lap. The nerve!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I KNOW! Phht. Now I ignore him. See how he likes it! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  15. Ellie, I love how you decorate your food dish! My momma says I should stop throwing my moist food all over the kitchen cabinets. I disagree. Purrs, Thimble

    P.S. We're sorry we've been so absent lately! Shame on us!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hmm sounds like Ellie needs a surrogate lap, and bear needs to spend more quality male bonding time... As the boy isn’t helping, Bear, have you thought of mail order male siblings or cloning yourself so you can have so reasonable conversation? Or you can demand extra cuddles and put it down to your time of the month, namely any time Ellie is awake?
    Toodle pips
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm an only child ... even if an exact clone would be pretty cool to create mischief with :) ~Bear Cat

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  17. No replacement lap? He went away just like that? I know the feeling and I sympathize... Mommy does that quite too often.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, no no no no HEEEEEEEEEELLLLL no! If my Momma disappeared, I'd have a lot to say about that. First order of business? Getting the Dweebles out of my house! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Hmmm....do we need wonder why the Boy no longer works from home? :)

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    Replies
    1. Because I kicked him out! I told him it was bad enough that he lived here ... so he doesn't have to work here too! HA! ~Bear Cat

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  19. "This little piggy" MOL! Tee hee hee! Bear I think you should start a book of nursery rhymes where you update ones of old in Bear Style and you add new ones of your own. Purrs!

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    Replies
    1. "Little" might not be quite appropriate. It's along the lines of jumbo shrimp ;)

      Delete
  20. dood...due ewe think ya mite vizit de food servizz gurlz place oh employ
    and impart sum oh yur wizdom N knowledgez ta de peepulz who werk ther....

    ☺☺☺♥♥

    ReplyDelete