Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Liberally defined

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae 
The Boy: Momma's fiance
MK: Momma Kat

BC: OH! Someone's at the front door! I hope it's some-tasty-whole-chicken. I'm ready! Watch this. I'm going to tackle it on the way in!

EM: You realize it will fight back, right? I mean it's ALIVE ... not like a roll of paper towels.
BC: Haha. NOT. I'm going to beat you up after I've opened a can of furry whoop-ass on this chicken.
The Boy: That's a lot of talk for a cat who sticks to beating up things that can't fight back.
EM: I'll be under the bed. Just in case. As entertaining as it'd be to watch you get your ass handed to you on a platter by a chicken ...
{The door opens}
BC: Great. It's YOU.


MK: It's nice to see you too! Aren't you glad I'm home?
BC: You were gone?!?
MK: I was at the BlogPaws Conference!!!
BC: So what did you do to embarrass me this time?
MK: Hello to you too!
BC: I have my priorities. Unfortunately, you speak for our brand.
MK: You can come with me to the next one. You'll have to walk on a leash, travel in your carrier, and not panic around dogs.
BC: You ... the spokesperson for our brand, it is! So what did you do that embarrasses me that we can blame on alcohol or do we have to own up to your ... err ... awkwardness?

MK: I didn't drink ... AT ALL.
BC: Great. You don't have an excuse. Can you at least TELL people you do?
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} Momma can talk for my brand! Err ... whatever that means.
BC: Great. 
You WOULD say that! Let her put YOUR name in the blog title ... "Momma Kat and Her Smellie Cat." Or she can re-name the blog, "Stupid Momma and Her Smellie Cat." I'll make my OWN blog and speak for my own blog. I'll start my OWN blog ... the, "I hate girls" blog. No. "I hate Momma and my sister."
MK: People don't understand hisses, Bear.
EM: 
{from under the bed in the other room} And you sleep WAY too much to ever blog yourself.
BC: There's always a couple haters. That's what I have staff for. As incompetent as it is. Just remember, if I need a leash, it's to protect YOU and not me. 


MK: Ellie?! Why aren't you here to greet me?!?
BC: She's hiding under the bed.
MK: Why?! What'd you do to her?
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} Bear said he'd beat me up after the takes care of the chicken!
MK: What chicken? So help me ... if The Boy got you a chicken while I was gone ...
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} No. He thought YOU were a chicken breaking down the door.
BC: And let me just say ... DISAPPOINTED!
The Boy: Ummmm ... HELLO!!!!!!!! You haven't said a word to me yet! You come in and say "hi" to the cats and then ignore me?!?
BC: Proper priorities. And you're at the bottom of the list.
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} I'm never coming out. Though I am hungry. Can you bring a bowl in here?
MK: Are you a box of facial tissue?
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} Well, no.
MK: Are you a roll of paper towels?
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} Well, no.
MK: You're fine.

BC: Why does everyone keep saying I only beat up boxes of facial tissue and rolls of paper towels?! I can beat up things that are alive!

{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... well ... I'm SURE I COULD. I just haven't wanted to. HMPH.
MK: Your sister doesn't count.
BC: The only reason I don't beat HER up is because you take her side and make me stop.
EM: {from under the bed in the other room} I'm STILL not coming out.
BC: This place is already overflowing with Dweebles. We've exceeded the Dweeble quota. Like we need one more. {turning to Momma} You didn't happen to bring me a tank, a tasty whole chicken, or a tiara from the Conference, did you?

The Boy: HELLO! Remember me?!?! I'm the one that cared for the cats while you were gone?!?!
BC: Oh, shut up. We're busy here. And "care" is liberally defined.
MK: {to The Boy} Hey. I'm glad to be home. I missed you.
BC: HEY! Let's keep on topics that are paramount to my existence ... tanks, tasty whole chickens, tiaras?!? 
MK: Speaking of tanks. tiaras and tasty whole chickens ... people liked my t-shirts this year. I finally splurged on a few. The front had our logo and the back said, "Tiaras, tanks, and tasty whole chickens ... What could POSSIBLY go wrong?!"

BC: What couldn't go right? But you still haven't answered my question ... Did you get any of them for me from the Conference?
MK: No. But I did get a lot of food and catnip.
EM: {running out from under the bed} Did someone say FOOOOOOOOOD?!?!
BC: I thought you were hiding.
EM: Momma said FOOD! AND catnip!
BC: My little nipheaded piggy sister.
EM: You ... you ... called me your sister?!?! We could braid each others' fur and sing songs and have sleep-overs and ...
BC: Very liberally defined.
EM: Awww. You LOVE me.
BC: Not liberally defined at all ... because I don't.
EM: AWW.

MK: The Meowijuana people loved the story about Ellie after last year's Conference; Ellie dug their catnip out from the bottom of my bag several times. {Thinking back to the year before when Ellie dug the product sample bag out from under a bunch of heavy swag ... and did unspeakable things to it}

BC: Great. Now everyone knows my sister's a total niphead! Then again, she's stupid even when sober so maybe no one notices the difference.
{Pause}
BC: So speaking of brand image management ... did you trip over yourself again at the Nose-to-Nose Awards ceremony?
MK: Err ... a little. My dress was too tight and my heels too tall.
BC: A little? A LITTLE?!? How do you trip over yourself a little? Was it too much to drink or too much stupid and too little grace?
MK: Umm ...
BC: That's what I thought. Did you at least PRETEND to drink too much?
MK: {changing the topic} The Boy said you were on his lap.
BC: Phht. As if. You should know I have better taste than that. I was on a blanket.
MK: On his lap?
BC: How should I know?! I couldn't see what's under the blanket.
MK: But you purred when he pet you?
BC: No. I just had gas. I was on his lap VERY LIBERALLY defined.

MK: That's sweet.
BC: Shut up. I was desperate. Because SOME-MOMMA left me behind enemy lines in Dweeble-ville! It was either HIM or {pointing as he says it} HER. Slim pickings is an understatement. So what'd you get me?! Let me help you un-pack!!!
EM: OH! OH! I want to help un-pack too! ESPECIALLY if catnip and food are involved!

MK: Tada!
BC: What the kitty barf is THAT?!?!
MK: This year, we won a cat bed from Kate Benjamin's Cat Lounge.
The Boy: Oh, FOR PETE'S SAKE! Pretty soon we'll have so many cat beds, we'll run out of room for ours! And they STILL steal ours anyway!
MK: This one's pretty cute though ... it's a shark bed!
BC: Ummm ... we don't have a shark. So why would we get a bed for a shark? You really WILL take anything if it's free!
MK: I ...
BC: Though, it's a DEFINITE improvement from last year! Last year, you won a shirt that says, "World's Best Cat Mom." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! As if! {Bear thinks back to the year before ...}



MK: Don't you like the bed?! I thought you're the shark!? I thought it was appropriate.
BC: FINALLY! My efforts in shark-dom finally acknowledged! I'll scent it but I won't use it.
MK: So you don't want it but you don't want Ellie to have it either, right?
BC: You say that like it's a bad thing! Besides, she's too fat to fit! What other good stuff do you have?!? I smell ...
{Bear roots around in Momma's stuff}
BC: Hmmm ... 

{Pause as Bear continues to root through Momma's stuff ...}
BC: What does THIS do?!?

EM: Hmmm ... this is nice!

{Bear turns around to see Ellie investigating "his" bed}
BC: Hey! That's MY bed! I'M the shark!
EM: HEY! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: It's not a party until you draw blood!
EM: I don't want to come to any more of your parties!
BC: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to ...
MK: Knock it off you two!
The Boy: They did this the entire time you were gone! I don't know how you put ...
BC: I'm the SHARK!
EM: OWW!
MK: {trying to distract Bear from beating up his sister} Bear, since you talked about me representing our brand ... I was so shocked that so many people recognized me! They even knew my name! Like IMPORTANT people! It was a nice feeling to have.
BC: Phht. "There's Bear Cat's idiot?" NO! "There's Bear's incompetent help." "Bless his heart. I couldn't put up with her!"

MK: NO! They called me by my REAL NAME.
BC: Those ARE your real names! Well, in my head anyway. And what I say goes!
MK: Then, on the drive home, I self-evaluated. I'm not perfect.
BC: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
{Pause}
BC: Wait ... you REALLY thought I didn't already know that?! I thought you were being ironic.
MK: Great. Thanks. I meant that I feel bad.
BC: You finally realized that you're mean? That you starve me? You SHOULD feel bad!
MK: Some cat bloggers thought I was ignoring them.
BC: Did they at least thank you for ignoring them?
MK: Well. that's not very nice! I just have a lot of issues and if I even sense that my presence isn't wanted, I just try to disappear. Even though 90% of the time my sense is wrong. Growing up, my parents didn't exactly want to be bothered by me unless they needed something, so I just learned to do my own thing. It's safer that way. Not to mention that I find it hard to be close to people. Sharing myself is scary ... and I'm probably harder on myself than anyone else could be.

{Snoring is heard coming from the shark cat bed}

MK: Okay then. Bear's sound asleep in his shark bed!
EM: I thought he wasn't interested in it!
MK: Until YOU showed interest in it. 
EM: That's messed ... ooooh! CATNIP!!!
{Ellie goes after the new sample bag of Meowijuana}
EM: Hello, my precious ... I'm going to do unspeakable things to you ...

MK: ELLIE! You're chewing through the bag! Give me that!
The Boy: I just vacuumed the WHOLE house!
EM: I DARE YOU to try to take it from me! When it comes to catnip, I'm with Bear ... it's not a party until you draw blood!

MK: Sheesh. Both cats took what they wanted and I'm left cleaning up the mess.  I'm glad I'm home too. Err ... at least liberally defined.

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60 comments:

  1. Oh Bear, that shark is just purrfect for you pal!

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    1. It is! Momma wasn't sure I'd use it because I don't like boxes or anything confining ... but I proved her wrong. It was just a coincidence that I loved it after Ellie showed interest! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Love the shark bed and Em, looks like you found some great stuff. Glad Mom brought you home a lot of goodies. You all have a fine day.

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  3. That's a pretty cool bed, you guys! Sounds like Ellie Mae might need to rehab from the nip soon. :)

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    1. I see an intervention in her future ... no, wait ... that's just another smackdown for being annoying. ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, she really is the world's greatest Mom… because she's your mom!
    Think about that!

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  5. BC, be nice!! We know it's hard, but possible. EM, you remain the sweetest little girl. The Boy, haven't you learned the ranking yet??? Felines always come first, in every house. MK, pawhugs to you. Hoomins can be very complex, which is why it's good to try and assume there may be stuff going on that's not obvious when people act in odd ways.

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    1. I’m slowly learning the ranking in the household. Although, the ranking system changes depending on who is asked.

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    2. It wouldn't be so slow if you weren't too busy Dweebling all over the place! ~Bear Cat
      But yes, Ellie is all sweetness.

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  6. Welcome home to your Mom...
    Bear....I cannot believe you questioned your precious Mom deserving and earning "World's Best Cat Mom"!!!!
    Oh good buddy you might be eating cold, old Fancy feast and stale kibble after that comment
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    1. Phht. I'm already starving! Can't you tell?!?! ~Bear Cat

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  7. guyz....we iz glad mom getted home safe lee.... N her did getz sum kewl swag... N we noe thiz
    iz "your" blog......but.... dadz commintz in thiz post CRACKED UZ UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ☺☺☺☺
    ♥♥♥♥

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    1. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... he's SOOOO funny ... LOOKING! ~Bear Cat

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  8. That shark little hideout bed is the best thing I seen all day. I am going to pick one of those up for my little ones. Have a purfect rest of the day you precious kitties. Thanks for the share.
    World of Animals

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  9. Your mom is definitely too hard on herself. Our mom likes her bunches. She does, however, feel sorry for her having to always put up with your lip, Bear. Bet she enjoyed those few days away from you. Can you believe that our humans have been home almost 48 hours and our swag is still being stored in the living room. We haven't even got to whiff it. Our humans are the meanest on the whole earth. Hey, Bear, that's a pretty sweet bed you got. Just watch that Ellie doesn't attack from the back. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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    1. "Just watch that Ellie doesn't attack from the back."
      TOO LATE! And Momma has VIDEO of it too! ~Bear Cat

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  10. That is a very cool bed, you are lucky kitties. Time flies, I didn't realize Ellie had been with you back at last year's conference.

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    1. We got her last July - and we didn't have her in May for the Conference - but she sure found the bag of left over swag and helped herself!

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  11. Welcome home. Looks like you scored big time at BlogPaws. Bravo!

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  12. Oh Ellie Mae! You are a real nip head aren’t you????

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  13. You guys DO know that I was in your new bed before you, when it was on display at the Cat Lounge, right? Did you smell me?

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    1. Don't tell my Momma that! She'll never let me use it again because it might have {GASP} your fur in it! Or maybe that's why I like it already ... it smells like hot girl kitty! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Oh Guys,
    We’re with you on the “she’s representing our brand” thing. We await any reports about The Female Human (we shudder to think what she might have gotten up to). And then she allowed the Male Human to come along . We heard he was putting cat food on crackers. Meowza what we cats have to put up with!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto & The Tribe of Five

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    1. They're lucky we let them live! Err ... then again, we need them to open cans ... ~Bear Cat

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  15. I love that shark bed. They should make a chicken bed, I'm sure lots of cats would like that. I'm with Momma Kat, people are confusing, at least with cats they let you know what they think of you.

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    1. I love your blog shirt too, it's awesome.

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    2. We love the shark bed too! I wasn't sure if Bear would like it ... but he does! Thank you!

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  16. Great stuff! Love your bed :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  17. Awe, you kitties took home the shark bed! My assistant had her eye on that bed. Just as well that you took it home - had she brought it home my silly canine sister might have tried to squeeze her big self into it and gotten stuck (it has happened with other cat beds). XOXO

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    1. Hey ... when you have a sister, who needs entertainment, right? ~Bear Cat

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  18. AMARULA: BEAR! I miss you. I can't believe your human would not bring you back a tiara - you would look great--and I LOVE that shark bed!

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  19. You lucky duck, er, shark, Bear! That is a very cool bed that your momma won for you. I hope she had a great time at the conference. She's a great brand representative, even if you don't think so.

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    1. Hmph. When I'm a star ... then I'll give her some credit. Because I can't be the problem. Just saying. ~Bear Cat

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  20. You won the shark bed! How pawesome. Mommy said that bed was spectacular. She loved your shirts, but doesn't think she had the chance to tell you.

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    1. That counts. Thank you!
      Yes ... the shark got the shark bed! ~Bear Cat

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  21. A shark bed! How purr-fect is that that your momma won it for you, Bear?! Hmm... I wonder what bumper sticker you'll put on it. Maybe Bear Shark Shark or Bear's Shark Tank or Bear's JAWS (with movie sound effects)? Tee hee hee! I bet the shirts your momma had at the conference were a big hit! Hugs!

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    1. OOOH! I hadn't even THOUGHT of bumper stickers yet ... but you're right! ~Bear Cat

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  22. Can't think of a better home for that adorable shark bed!!!! It is just too cute! Glad all went super well! What a difference a year makes, right? catchatwithcarenandcody

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    1. Oh, I'm just as much of a mess as last year :)

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    2. Oh, you meant the addition of Ellie and The Boy. Oops. ;)

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  23. That shark bed is really cool, Bear! And Ellie, we're kinda nipheads here, too. :)

    Momma Kat, it sounds like you had a nice time at BP. We're so glad! We hope we get to meet you in person one of these years.

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  24. I LOVE those pet beds!! I really wanted to win the plant one but I saw it went to a good home. I will have to splurge sometime and get a few of those. Also, lol you tore into that nip the same way my Tibet did! You two have similar personalities and would get along great!

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  25. Well, Sounds like ya'll got some great stuffs from the confurrence. We've heard a lot 'bout this meowijuana, but we've never see it fur ourselves. Is it really that good? And, awnty Kat, don't worry, mommy's always been a bit aloof too. Ya'll are cat mommies after all. Mommy's family didn't want her either, so she learned to find another family, ya' know the kind that purrs. We luv bein' with our mommy and that's all that really counts. Sure we luv all our furiends, but at the end of the day, who's sleepin' in the bed beside ya'? MOL We're sure nopawdy is angry with ya'. We find most of the cat bloggers are very nice and mostly unnerstandin'. We're sendin' big hugs fur all of ya' and a few extra fur you.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. We hope you're enjoying the goodies from the Conference. I never even thought to include a packet of the good catnip ... I'm sorry.

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  26. I you tire of the Shark Bed, Silver says he is happy to give it a go!

    Marjorie and Harvey

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    1. Not a chance! Ellie would KILL me since she likes it too ;) ~Bear Cat

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  27. Our Mama has been to the conference twice and she knows how impossible it is to connect with everyone! She says that she is certain the people your Momma was able to meet were happy to meet her and those that she was unable to meet with, understand and hope to meet her next time!

    Do you know that our Mama has rarely won anything in her life? That is really great that your Momma won a fun bed for the Shark . .um . . for the BEAR cat! Enjoy all your goodies :)

    the critters in the cottage xo

    P.S. You can't choose family but you can choose friends and that helps enormously :D

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    1. Your p.s. is so true! Our Momma has a rotten history about winning stuff too (example ... at the senior party put on by the parents, they had a drawing ... and she was the only person NOT to win something - and her class was close to 400 people. You'd think someone would feel bad and toss five bucks her way or something so everyone could be a winner ... but no.) With Kate's Cat Lounge, we've won something every year - even just a t-shirt is a huge deal to us!

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  28. You got the shark ball, awesome! those are so cool

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  29. So happy I got to see your mom at BlogPaws! Thanks for sharing her for a few days so she could visit Kansas City! It was so nice to see her again! Doodle kisses and tail wags!

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