Bear’s Adventures in Catting

Cats are inimitable and magnificent creatures - yet they possess quirks that cause even the most knowledgeable humans to scratch their heads. While cats are easy to love, these peculiarities can be challenging to comprehend. Do you ever get the sense your cat lives by a set of rules that you can’t even begin to identify? Do you use the term “cat stuff” to describe the things your cat does that you don’t understand?

In this post, Bear shares his adventures, rules and lessons learned – while catting. What is “catting” exactly? “Catting” includes all the delightful and less-than-agreeable iterations and quirks of being a cat. Bear’s catting adventures highlight the humorous and entertaining aspects of sharing one’s life with a cat. What’s humor if not the absurd, the puzzling and the irrepressible nature of our beloved felines? 

I write this post with appreciation, admiration and love for Bear’s larger-than-life presence. If you’d seen the frightened and vulnerable kitten I met while he hid under a deck in the rain, you’d be as amazed and awed by the force of nature that I named Bear. He’s an unapologetic Momma’s boy – despite possessing enough cat to shore up his street cred. He saved my life and taught me not to be frightened and insecure – even though that’s the exact circumstance in which I met him. How many of these more strongly worded observations do you suspect come from Bear’s competing need to shore up his street cred?


Today, Bear shares his food-related adventures and his guide to human/feline relations. Our next post tackles inter-cat concerns, killing activities, recreation, the Bear facts and the complex questions Bear ponders while grooming or in the litter box.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Bear's disclaimer ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
These rules and observations from my catting journey are subject to change at any time - without notice - at the cat’s discretion. You might call me fickle, but I prefer to describe myself as “emotionally whimsical.”
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐




πŸŸπŸ¦πŸ¦ƒπŸ“πŸŸ Food-related adventures πŸŸπŸ“πŸ¦ƒπŸ¦πŸŸ


🐟 Food. Food. And more food. My world goes ’round because of food. If you don’t have food, I’m not listening. Even if you do have food, whether I’m listening or not depends upon what food you have and whether I want that particular victual.

πŸ“ No, I CANNOT wait a few minutes for my wet food. Food time is when I’m hungry [which is pretty much always].

πŸ¦ƒ I might love the wet food variety you fed me 8,927,044 times; if you stock up by buying a case of that one flavor of wet food, I won’t eat that variety anymore.



🦐 I do not perform for treats. Give me treats, and I’ll pretend to consider whatever it is that you want me to do.

🐟 What constitutes food is in the eye of the beholder. You eat salads; I eat grass. You eat junk food; I eat treats. I also lick cookies, lick your plate and must put my nose in everything you have. I require samples.

πŸ“ I love to practice my math skills ... ONE treat ... TWO treats ... THREE treats ... OOPS! I lost count. Let’s try that again!



πŸ¦ƒ Treats are a food group unto themselves.

🦐 I’ll go on a diet right after you do.



🐟 When discussing treats, one plus one DOES NOT equal two. The sum equals TOO LITTLE.

πŸ“ If my bowl is any more than 3.97521% empty, I consider my food bowl to be barren, and starvation-prevention sequences will begin.



πŸ¦ƒ Kibble isn’t truly food - until you take it away, and then I refuse to eat anything else.

🦐 If the wet food label says, “seafood feast,” don’t buy it. I like crab, tuna, salmon, tuna, shrimp, tuna and more tuna. But “seafood feast” tastes like what I bury in my litter box.

🐟 I break for food. I’m NOT sorry. If you feed me, nothing breaks [unless the item mocks me by just sitting there, and then all bets are off].


πŸ“ I’m a [chicken] breast man [notice no comma between breast and man].

πŸ¦ƒ Giving me some of your food is helpful to you [to keep your butt to a minimum]. Not to mention that if the cat isn’t happy, no one’s happy. Sharing your food with me drastically reduces the chance of me not being satisfied [and dramatically reduces the size of the junk you carry around in your trunk]. Remember what happened LAST time I was unhappy? Yep. I photographed and posted many embarrassing pictures of Momma Kat, Smellie and The Boy [seeThe secret].



🦐 You have a catillion bags of cat treats in the pantry. I’m not getting any treats. Therefore, either you feed all the cats within a hundred-mile radius [meanwhile starving your cute kitty cat], OR you eat the treats yourself.

🐟 I require grass samples from around the front yard [no, not to smoke. I eat it].

πŸ“ I reserve the right to sample whatever you're eating - and the right of refusal is solely mine.



πŸ¦ƒ Many humans wonder why the chicken crossed the road: to get in my belly.




πŸ’•πŸΎπŸ’•πŸΎ Human/feline interactions πŸΎπŸ’•πŸΎπŸ’•πŸΎ


🐾 Human = necessary evil [though I love my Momma and give her special allowances that I won’t give anyone else].

πŸ’• Humans are inferior to cats. OBVIOUSLY. Kindly respect this.

🐾 You are here at my discretion, not the other way around.



πŸ’• Much of the time, I can’t decide between wanting to kill you and wanting to snuggle.

🐾 I appreciate that you respect my space afterward, but laughing isn’t an appropriate response to me biting or hissing at you. I’m fierce; you insult my savagery by laughing when I hiss. Referring to me as a cute kitty is equally insulting.

πŸ’• Likewise, I’m not a cute cat hunting a toy. I’m a psycho, bad-@$$ killer; when you squeal at how “cute” I am in my killing activities, you wreck my mojo.



🐾 Don’t come to me. I’ll come to you. Otherwise, please leave me alone. If I’m on my cat tree, leave me alone. If I’m in my shark bed, leave me alone. If I’m lying in the middle of the floor, leave me alone. Sense a pattern?

πŸ’• I reserve the right to be a total Momma’s boy when and where and for how long I choose. That does not give Momma any right to my celebrated cat-ness the rest of the time.



🐾 It’s not me. It’s you. Every. Single. Time.

πŸ’• I know I’m adorable 24/7/365 – but ESPECIALLY during and after I bathe. When you touch me after I wash, you contaminate my fur and ruin my coat [that I got the way I like it]!



🐾 During discussions, two phrases are never defensible positions unless I say them.
1) “Because I said so.”
2) “It’s for your own good!”

πŸ’• I’m invisible when I want to be. Even if you THINK you see me, you don’t until I show myself to you [occasionally, I’ll present myself by digging my fangs into your ankles].



🐾 When I come to you for love or admiration, it’s an emergency! I won’t wait until you “just finish this.”

πŸ’• A human is a work in progress. Maybe “work” is a bit of a misnomer – a mess in progress is a more accurate phrase - with “progress” meaning less of a mess.

🐾 When I’m in your lap, you may get up when I say so and not a minute before.



πŸ’• You stare wistfully, and with admiration, at the expensive toys, beds and accessories you buy me. Frequently, you tell me how lucky I am to have them and how wonderful they are. I’d be selfish to use these items when they mean so much to you.

🐾 As much as I enjoy letting it all hang out without worrying about getting caught - I miss you when you’re not here.



πŸ’• I do not share the bed with you. You share my bed with me. And I guarantee that under any set of circumstances, I will find a way to lay that takes up the most surface area possible. Do you think you humans mastered math? You have no idea.

🐾 When offered a forever home, a cat must demand the potential adopter fill out the cat’s adoption application – getting all the details and promises in writing!!! Cats who ignore this don’t care if promises made and precedents set are tossed out the window on the human’s whim. To view the application I wish I'd required Momma to fill out before she adopted me: Bear's Adoption Application.



πŸ’• I sleep during the day. Please respect that I need my beauty sleep; I was up all night bugging you.

🐾 My adorableness is not a defense when I get annoyed because you disturbed my nap. AGAIN. I’m adorable 24/7/365. Get used to it.



πŸ’• Ad hoc nicknames aren’t permitted and aren’t cute. You named me; you’re stuck with the name you gave me - just like I am.

🐾 If I’m hiding, there’s a good reason [and I didn’t do it].



πŸ’• Speaking of, I didn’t do it. ANY TIME. EVER.

🐾 I EMPHATICALLY want you to rub my belly. No, I don’t. Yeah, I kind-of do. Never mind, I’ll kill you if you touch my belly. Wait! Why did you stop rubbing my belly?



πŸ’• That look of horror on your face when I misbehave is satisfaction enough every time. Notably, when I roll in the mud, the look on your face is the standard by which I judge the power of my misdeeds.

🐾 Telling me to stop misbehaving is useless. I do what I want - and I’ll suck up all the attention and enjoy performing for you - until you ignore me.



πŸ’• No touching unless I invite you to touch.

🐾 When I’m in my window - or on the cat tree - actually, ANY TIME ... I want to be left alone UNLESS I unmistakably present myself to you.


πŸ’• I require you to wear pants at all times. When I say “required,” I mean pants must be WORN on your legs at all times – wearing them on your head DOES NOT count.

🐾 No singing or dancing. If you must break into song, please do so in your car with the windows up. Should you feel the need to dance, please call 911 in advance because your dancing is not just ridiculous, but it’s a danger to yourself. If you require CPR, ask Smellie.

πŸ’• You will stop whatever you’re doing and admire me when I so desire. Only touch me if invited to do so; otherwise, it’s hands-off.


🐾 Don’t ask why I do something. I’m a cat. I have a FANTASTIC reason – but it wouldn’t be any fun if you knew the reason [and you probably still wouldn't understand anyway].

πŸ’• You can’t see me if I can’t see you. Make that you can't see me if I don't want you to see me. I shouldn't need to expend the extra energy to hide just because I don't want you to see me.


🐾 Right when you think you “get” me, I do something different to put your perception of me in doubt.

πŸ’• My contradictory behavior is life. Don’t overthink the things I do; they’re not nearly as complicated as you suspect.



🐾 In all activities of interest to me, I will have my nose all up in your business.

πŸ’• “Helping” is relative.

🐾 You share your home with a cat; therefore, the concept of “privacy” doesn’t exist [for you anyway].



πŸ’• I know what you’re NOT supposed to do even better than I know what I’m not supposed to do. As a favor to you, I’ll remind you loudly that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.

🐾 Just because I hear you snoring doesn’t mean I’ll leave you alone. No one can make that much racket naturally and not on purpose.



πŸ’• If you’d like to talk about your feelings, please leave me out of it. I fix everything and talking isn't necessary when you've got this ball of furry love.

🐾 I bill you every time you wake me up because I’m adorable. I bill you for petting sessions, all the pictures you take of me and all the times you demand I pose. By my estimation, I own this house and everything in it.

πŸ’• The counter, your desk and the kitchen table are my domain. When you leave anything out that is breakable or edible, you get what you ask for [especially if the item mocks me by just sitting there].



🐾 SHINY = MINE. On second thought, NOT SHINY also equals MINE. If you’re not sure what is whose, assume it’s mine until I tell you differently. When I tell you something is NOT mine, it is only not mine for as long as I don’t want it.

πŸ’• I will sit and stare at you for hours, but you may not stare at me.



🐾 Is it vital to use my full name to get my attention? Oh, right. See the part about human know-it-alls.

πŸ’• You say my name so often, even I don’t like to hear the sound of my name! Then again, I also don’t enjoy getting caught. There’s unquestionably a relationship between hearing my name and being caught in some unfortunate circumstance.

🐾 I want to be left alone if I turn my back to you.



πŸ’• The life of a blogging cat is blessed. We try it all: food, accessories and toys! Plus, we get a built-in audience for our gripes against our humans! Of course, the time my Momma spends on the computer blogging is less time I’m able to spend with her; however, she also has less time to hawk over everything I do.

🐾 God made my claws sharp. You presume to know better than God when you clip them.

πŸ’• Likewise, God made my furry clothes perfect – additional outfits, accessories and costumes aren’t necessary.



🐾 If you stop ticking me off, I won’t show you my “little friends.”

πŸ’• Don’t mess with me and then act wounded when I bite you. If I’m not in the mood for your attention, you will not change my mind, no matter how transcendental your ear rubs are.

🐾 A cat’s neighborhood reputation or “street cred” is a big deal: don’t embarrass me ... by being yourself in public.



πŸ’• Don’t come to me; I’ll come to you [most likely when you prefer I don’t, like when you’re sleeping, working or going to the bathroom].

🐾 When I’m in the litter box, ignore me. When you’re sitting on that weird chair in your bathroom, I don’t sit there and stare at you [for more than fifteen minutes].

πŸ’• I hate the toothbrush and the claw clippers. HATE is not strong enough of a word. I’d be pleased to show you where to stick them.



🐾 I have preferences and whims just like you. Don’t overanalyze and try to psycho-babble me. I’m a cat. What’s YOUR excuse?

πŸ’• Closed doors are not allowed. I know you keep the tasty whole chickens around here somewhere, and closed doors will always be suspicious and subject to destruction.



🐾 I require payment IN ADVANCE for any services rendered; this includes petting, posing for pictures, etc. I don’t work for free.

πŸ’• No one likes to listen to you ramble - why should I?

🐾 If I MUST interact with you in a place seen by the outside, I’ll bite you. It’s not personal, just business. Feigned terrorized yelps are appreciated.



πŸ’• My butt in your face is a huge compliment to you [and by “butt,” I’m referring to my rear end and not my sister]. Your butt in my face is an insult to me. I see your butt just fine from across the room.

🐾 When I demand you admire me by prancing around in front of you – you better loudly tell me how wonderful I am: “You’re such a handsome boy,” “Your tail is so pretty,” “You have fantastic stripey pants!”

πŸ’• I’m a Momma’s boy. When I take my rightful place by her side, you must find another place to sleep.



🐾 I come first, last and every spot in between. Your top priority is MEMEMEMEME. I expect you to drop what you’re doing when I require assistance. Needing ear rubs, back scratches and hugs count as emergencies.

πŸ’• If you see me on The Boy’s lap, it doesn’t mean I like him. And no, it’s not cute. It’s just business.



🐾 Hissing happens. And clawing, biting, fur and fang marks.

πŸ’• I hiss for a reason. It’s not my fault if you’re too dull-witted around the sharp-fanged.

🐾 I’M THE SHARK!!! In fact, "The Shark" is my middle name. It’s just business. If you don’t know what “I’m the shark” means, I’d love to show you [or you may read about His Royal Sharkiness in I'm the shark, The chicken, and His Royal Sharkiness].



πŸ’• In any room, corner, doorway or hall, the cat - and more specifically - ME, has the right of way. The rest of you must get out of the mother-meowing way.

🐾 I fix everything for my Momma (especially the hurts that don't require bandages). To read more about my skills at healing: Bigger Band-aids.




πŸ’• You could at least THANK me for all the help I give you.

🐾 It’s a sign of your intelligence (or lack thereof) that any time you see a kitty, you become a blubbering, incoherent mess.



πŸ’• If I want it, it’s mine. Even if I don’t desire it, if I change my mind in the future, it’s mine.

🐾 The sticky notes are mine. You aren’t allowed to move or deface my signs [sticky notes or not]. But should the worst happen, I am to be rescued from the “sticky situation” immediately. For a few examples of how Bear uses sticky notes and signs around our house: There's a sign for thatEllie finally has enough; How to get to Bear's food bowlPinkie Mouse in the White House and  Momma shaming.



πŸ’• You don’t need a clock because you live on “cat time.” It’s time when the cat says it’s time and not a minute before or later.

🐾 No one likes a know-it-all. A human is right ONE time [an hour], and I never hear the end of it.

πŸ’• You shall not touch or disturb me while I’m in my window. Leering at me from outside or crying because you’re so happy to see me are strictly prohibited.



🐾 If my fur weren’t in everything around here, you’d miss it.

πŸ’• Feel free to thank me for providing such a comprehensive set of services that makes your life better than if I weren’t here.



🐾 Everything I do is the result of a careful and complex decision process. At times, my actions might appear like random whims, but I know what I’m doing.

πŸ’• When you speak more than two words (especially if one of them is “I”), all I hear is “blahblahblahblahblah.”


🐾 I like to follow you around; I’ve got your back. But don’t ask me if your pants make your butt look big.

πŸ’• I'm so adorable that humans forgive me for everything.



🐾 You should [read: MUST] scoop my litter box after each time I use it. . If you shared a potty with my sister, you’d understand; the concept of a stinky poop and a non-stinky poop side of the litter box is beyond her. Of course, if you provide more than one litter box for our use – we’ll only use the box the other cat uses – making added poop boxes superfluous. I believe humans refer to this as “can’t win.”

πŸ’• Do not ever disturb a cat’s performance. The performance isn’t personal; it’s just art.

🐾 Do not ask me what I do in the pantry or why I sit in there for hours. All you must know is that I’m busy. The rest is classified.



πŸ’• If you’re my Momma, don’t climb on chairs or counters. For her [and me], those activities are perilous [who will feed me if she’s in the hospital]?

🐾 I’ve written down every bad word you’ve uttered for my future use.

πŸ’• Sometimes I must go undercover to take care of my business. There's nothing to see here. Please move along. And don't squeal loudly about how adorable I am under the covers - you'll blow my cover.



🐾 I find it infinitely amusing to sit JUST OUTSIDE of your reach and to watch you try to reach me because you can’t resist my feline charms.

πŸ’• My Momma is an even bigger bad-@$$ than I am [and not just because her @$$ is more substantial than mine]. She never backs down when I throw a hissy pissy fit because she's testing my blood sugar and giving me an insulin shot. If something will help me feel better - Momma makes sure I get it - no matter how much I protest. Just HOW bad-@$$ is my Momma? After eighteen years of anorexia that almost killed her (and lots of treatment during those years), she recovered by sheer will, without professional help and with me by her side. You may read more about how we saved each other in Imperfectly perfect ... together: The power of one cat's love. "Imperfectly perfect" won the Good News For Pets Human-Animal Bond Award.



Which of Bear’s lessons learned while catting does your cat[s] agree? With which ones does your cat[s] not agree? Please take a moment to let us know what you think of Bear’s adventures – and whether you think he missed any essential cat experiences (we know there are a few – not the least of which is Bear’s disinterest in boxes)! 

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

34 comments

  1. Bear, you are such a sweet foodie and we love the photos of you with your Momma!

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  2. haha, this post is full of cuteness! Love Bear so much <3

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  3. Replies
    1. Can you add that endorsement to my LinkedIn profile? ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear what a truly fine post full of so much information on you my handsome friend and all your abilities.
    Hugs and Merry Christmas to all in your home
    Cecilia

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  5. Bear, the best "catter" at "catting" that ever there was!

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  6. Well said, Bear. You speak for all cats, I'm sure!

    Mum's on a diet and so am I. Her stress eating was making me stress eat.

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  7. No-one could out cat you, Bear. There is one thing your mom should be grateful about and that is that you only roll in mud. Eric had a thing about pheasant poop. On our walks around the fields he only had to get a whiff of it and he would run to it and rub his face in it before I could get to him. No other poop fascinated him, it had to be black sticky tarry stinky pheasant poop! The times I had to haul him to the horse drinking trough and wash it off!!

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    Replies
    1. You're right! I was lucky! Though one time Bear rolled in a pile of dead ants - but that's nothing compared to poop! ~Kat
      Perhaps you could give me an endorsement on my LinkedIn Profile that "No-one could out cat Bear?" ~Bear Cat

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  8. Such a handsome boy. And the description...“emotionally whimsical” sounds like the pawfect description!

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    Replies
    1. The Boy almost choked on the original "emotionally promiscuous."

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  9. "The life of a blogging cat is blessed. We try it all: food, accessories and toys! Plus, we get a built-in audience for our gripes against our humans!" Bwa! Haa!! Haaa!!! You got why we blog purrfectly (except being Canadian we don't get stuff).
    Bear, we have not told you lately how much we likes you, due to the ineptitude of our human at helping us to blog. Great Post! Thanks for iterating why and how us cats work so well,, now excuse me, I gotta stare out the window.
    Purrs
    Marv (Jo Jo, Kozmo, Cinnamon and Barb)

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    Replies
    1. And it's been a pleasure to see you come into your own, Marv. I guess Momma-loves can fix a lot. ~Bear Cat

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  10. AMARULA: "I own this house and everything in it" my philosophy exactly Bear!!! And man do you look good in a t-shirt!!

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    Replies
    1. Erm ... that was a onesie. THANK GOODNESS Momma didn't think to cut a hole in the bottom for my tail BEFORE she took these pictures. Afterward, it was too late! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, you picked the right human, didn't you?

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  12. Bear, you are the paragon of cat-ness! And we love that you're a Momma's Boy. Nothing wring with that, as far as we are concerned. :)

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    Replies
    1. "Paragon of cat-ness." That is DEFINITELY going on my resume! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Bear, you are THE cat among cats..I knew that and required no proof. BUT I saw all the proof you provided and yes, I will be sure to endorse it on your Linked In profile. IF they let me back in. The put me ut! How dare they?

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    Replies
    1. You are one smart [and gorgeous] ladycat, Katie Isabella. How rude that LinkedIn discriminates against cats! Who let the cat out of the bag? [sorry, that was horrible] ~Bear Cat

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  14. "Emotionally whimsical" is a great expression!

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    Replies
    1. The Boy choked on my first version ... emotionally promiscuous :)

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  15. Bear, this post would make a great book with all your rules. It would be quite helpful to all humans. XO

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    Replies
    1. That's an EXCELLENT idea! Maybe then I can buy my flightless bird ranch! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Umm, where are the clauses in your contract re. mice and other such food sources?
    Me thinks you may just be missing out, Bear. Just think on all the wild mouse hunts you could send Ellie on, and then your staff if you had a mandatory (that doesnt refer to men) mouse access clause?
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. In general, I don't like to work to get my food. I feel a senior mancat in his golden years should be given a bowl of mice to feast on without having to get his paws dirty. ~Bear Cat

      Delete

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