It's all fun and games until somecat loses teeth

Bear's home from a visit to the veterinarian and things go a bit ... pear-shaped. At the veterinarian, Bear lost several teeth and had a growth removed from his mouth. Needless to say, he's on the good stuff [and hungry] and all Momma and Ellie can do is enjoy his flights of ... fancy.


Characters
BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 




It's all fun and games until someone loses teeth
MK: Bear? You hanging in there?
{Silence}
MK: We'll be home soon.
{Silence}
MK: What?! No bunny hops around the carrier?
{Silence} 
MK: Are you ... umm ... okay? Where'd my favorite carrier-tipper go?
{Silence}
{Momma pulls the car over and opens the carrier}
MK: BEAR?!?!
BC: {weakly} Huh?
MK: You awake?
BC: FOOD!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: FOOD!
MK: Glad to know you're feeling like yourself.
BC: Why are we stopped?! I need FOOD! I haven't eaten in sixteen days!
MK: Right. Okay. Not entirely accurate ... but I don't feel the need to argue.
{Momma closes the carrier and gets back on the road}
BC: {To the tune of the Blue Danube Waltz} 🎜🎝🎢 FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD ... πŸŽΆπŸŽœπŸŽ
{Pause}
BC: πŸŽΆ FOOD! πŸŽΆ FOOD! πŸŽΆ
BC: πŸŽΆFOOD! πŸŽΆ FOOD! πŸŽΆ
BC: πŸŽœπŸŽπŸŽΆ FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOOOOOOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD! πŸŽΆπŸŽœπŸŽ
MK: Did your stomach wake you? Because you were barely even moving around in there until just a second ago.
BC: FOOD!
MK: Yes, okay. We're pulling into our parking spot now - the veterinarian said you can eat half an hour after we get home.
BC: WHAT? I won't survive that long! I'm living on fumes!
MK: No. That's just your gas.
BC: Haha.
{Momma and Bear walk in the front door}
EM: BEAR! Where were you?
BC: Digging a pool.
EM: Really?! That's cool! I wanna dig a pool!
{Ellie sniffs Bear}
EM: I'm so glad you're home!
BC: {walking past Ellie} FOOD!
EM: What's his problem? I was trying to be a good sister and tell him how much I missed him ...
{Pause}
EM: Huh. On second thought ... I didn't miss him. I got to sleep on your bed and eat all the wet food and lie on my paper ... it was great!
BC: FOOD!
MK: Twenty-eight minutes.
BC: Oh! My veterinarian! Hi, Fake-Doctor!
EM: {whispering to Momma} Why's he talking to the ottoman?
BC: I'm feeling GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!
{Pause}
BC: Whoa. Good and Food are spelled similarly - but they don't rhyme.
EM: They don'tFood and good don't rhyme?
BC: Gud. Foooooood. Hahahaha. I didn't rhyme.
EM: {whispering to Momma} What's wrong with him? 
MK: I've been asking myself that question for years.
BC: AHHHHH! I'm nekked!!! Why didn't anyone tell me?!?
EM: {whispering to Momma} What's he talking about?
MK: I have no idea!
BC: My handsome stripe-y pants! They're gone! Someone not only got in my pants ... they stole them! I hope it was a tortie! But how unfortunate that I don't remember!
EM: {whispering to Momma} He doesn't look any different than before.
MK: Erm ... Bear's a little ...
EM: Crazy?
MK: No. Umm ... drugged? On the good stuff?
EM: And I didn't get any catnip?!?
MK: Not exactly the "good stuff" I'm referring to.
BC: Oooh! TORTIES!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!! Over here! Hey, Ladies! I'm pant-less and waiting! 

EM: {looking around} Where are these torties?
BC: MAN! I feel rough! Like I jumped out of a cake and collided with a bus or something!
EM: {whispering to Momma} There aren't any other cats here.
MK: Uh oh.
BC: {To the [very off] tune of Madonna's "I Touch Myself"}  πŸŽΆ I love myself. I want you to love me. When I feel down, I want you above me. I search myself, I want you to find me. I forget myself, I want you to remind me. πŸŽΆ
MK: Oh, crap.
{Momma covers Ellie's ears}
EM: MOMMA! Stop it! I can't hear Bear's singing!
BC: πŸŽΆ I don't want anybody else! When I think about you I touch myself! Ooh, I don't want anybody else. Oh no, oh no, oh no. πŸŽΆ
{THUNK!}
{Light snoring}
EM: Momma! I wanted to hear the entire song!
{Pause}
EM: HEY! What happened to Bear?
MK: I think he fell asleep.
EM: Are you sure he's not dead?
MK: Do you hear snoring?
EM: Yes.
MK: Then he's not dead.
EM: I don't get it! Last time I asked him if he was dead, he was snoring and he still said yes!
BC: AHHH! FOOD! I'm awake! I'm awake! I had a really weird dream! There were a bunch of dancing torties and some music ... Madonna? A tortie named Madonna with a bra of cones covering her teats?
MK: Crap. We've only been home ten minutes. Maybe if I give him some food, he'll calm down.
BC: Is it food time yet?
{Pause}
BC: Are you going into the kitchen to give me FOOOOD?!?
{Pause}
BC: My bowl is EMPTY! EMPTY! Call 911!!!
{Pause}
BC: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! Chicken?! Tuna?!? Turkey?! Salmon?! I want to LOOOOOOOVE you! Come to papa!
MK: Okay. That's it. I'll give you some wet food.
BC: {To the tune of "Whoomp! [There it is]" by Tag Team; with Bear drunkenly shaking his butt} πŸŽΆ FOOOOD! There it is!  πŸŽΆ FOOOOD! There it is! πŸŽΆ FOOOOD! There it is! πŸŽΆ
EM: Ooh! Dinner AND a show!
MK: That's just obscene - unless one's at a frat party.
EM: A what party?
MK: Never mind. Just don't encourage him.
EM: Usually, he WANTS me to encourage him.
MK: Now is not the time. What could he possibly mention next?
BC: Huh. That's weird. I can't masticate my wet food as well as I used to.
{Ellie giggles}
EM: Keep your masturbation to yourself!
MK: ELLIE!
EM: What?
MK: Do you know what ... that ... word means?
EM: DUH! Bear told me!
MK: I'm going to have to talk to him.
BC: {talking while eating} Andfth I'mth noth goingfth toof listenth!
EM: Masturbation: Mass disturbance.
BC: Mas·​ti·​cay-ay-i-eye-i-tion.
{Ellie continues to giggle}
BC: What's so funny? Do I have wet food in my teeth?! Smellie, why do you look like a green fish? Where am I?
{GASP!}
BC: MY TEETH! What happened?!? Wait a minute ...
{Pause}
BC: The last thing I remember, I was at the veterinarian ... then it's all foggy. What's the point of partying so hard one loses his teeth if he can't remember the party afterward!? I bet I was taken advantage of!
EM: Why wasn't I invited to the party at the vet's?
BC: I WAS DRUGGED! And deflowered! My voluptuously seductive loins! My honor is soiled like Smellie's litter box!
MK: Oh, good grief. Bear, you used to always brag about being the tomcat sowing your wild oats before I brought you inside - how can you get more deflowered than that?
EM: Haha. Because it never happened! And besides, Bear, you never had any honor to begin with.
BC: WHAT?!?!? 
MK: Bear, you weren't drugged for the purposes of your voluptuously seductive loins. The veterinarian had to remove the growth from your mouth and also extracted three teeth.
BC: I LOST A POINT! I only have THREE FANGS NOW! Twenty-one points!
EM: The growth removed ... was that his brain? Not like he ever uses it ...
MK: More like his conscience.
BC: Haha. Just go ahead and kick a good cat while he's down.
EM: I would never do that. 
{TWHACK!}
BC: HEY! You just said you wouldn't do that! 
EM: Yes. I wouldn't kick a good cat - you're not a good cat.
BC: THE VET STOLE MY TEETH!!! What does he do with them?
MK: Bear, they had to be removed.
BC: But I was using them! You sold my teeth!
MK: Ummm ... no. I paid to have them removed because they weren't healthy.
BC: You ... PAID the vet to steal my teeth?!?! I haven't bitten you in three days! I was being a nice cat!
EM: You bit me three times just today - before you went to the vet at 6am.
BC: Oh, shut up. Don't think you can do whatever you want now just because I can't defend myself. I might be less-toothed, but I'm still fierce.
EM: Bear's teeth-challenged!
MK: Can't defend yourself? HA! You had your first tooth extracted when you were TWO and you've had no problem mauling me over the remaining THIRTEEN YEARS - even after you lost more teeth.
BC: To be fair ... you had it coming.
EM: Bear LOST his teeth? Bear, maybe if you keep track of your teeth you wouldn't lose them! I'll check under the couch!
BC: As fun as this is, some cat needs his beauty sleep.
EM: That's very considerate of you, Bear! I'll take a nap in just a minute after I look under the couch for your teeth.
BC: What the frisk ...
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: Don't think I won't keep you in line. It's not the number of teeth one has - it's how one uses them.
{Bear settles down and naps for a few hours while Momma works ... Momma is still working when Bear wakes up}
BC: Momma, I need my teeth!
MK: What?! Are you having problems eating without the teeth they extracted today?
BC: NO!
MK: Then why do you need your teeth?
BC: To put under my pillow.
EM: You don't have a pillow.
BC: I'd borrow one!
EM: Putting teeth under your pillow won't make them grow back. Face it: you now have only twenty-ONE points.
BC: I don't remember asking you.
EM: I don't remember caring whether you asked or not.
MK: Oh! You want your teeth to leave for the tooth fairy.
EM: Ummm ... what?
MK: Kids do this thing where when they lose their teeth, they put those teeth under their pillows and the tooth fairy takes the teeth and leaves money.
EM: The tooth fairy buys teeth? What does he do with them?
BC: The tooth fairy is a chick.
EM: You're telling me there's a baby chicken going around named the tooth fairy - that buys teeth. I'm not stupid enough to believe that.
BC: NO! The tooth fairy is a she.
EM: But a fairy is a ...
MK: ANYWAY!
BC: So where are my teeth?
EM: What do you want money for?
BC: Tanks. Bazookas. My own house. A flightless bird ranch. The usual.
MK: Bear, the vet didn't give me your teeth.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: I didn't think to ask for them ... that seems a little ... creepy.
BC: Did the tooth fairy give you money for your teeth growing up?
MK: Yes. But I didn't have a doctor extract them because they had resorptive lesions. Your teeth were ... not in one solid piece.
EM: Re-what-the--leash-ons? Bear broke his teeth? I bet that's because he bites stuff so much.
BC: No one asked you.
EM: I haven't lost any teeth! Why do you think that is? I DON'T BITE ANYONE!
MK: Umm ...
EM: Well, except for Momma's ear and Momma's nose. But that's because I get so excited when she pets me.
MK: Bear didn't break his teeth. Resorptive lesions - they look like pockets under the teeth. And they are fairly common in cats.
EM: Pockets? Teeth have pockets? What do they need pockets for?
MK: Never mind.
BC: Do you think the tooth fairy will give me tasty whole chickens if I ask nicely? A dollar seems a little cheap when I lose one of my points.
MK: Bear, we don't have your teeth. And you only lost one point. You still have twenty-one.
BC: That's more than enough to convince this tooth fairy fool to give me tasty whole chickens. I put the "bite-y" on her and BOOM! Free chickens. If she doesn't give me chickens, I'll expose her discrimination against cats.
EM: And THIS is why you lose so many teeth.
BC: Because I want the tooth fairy to provide the flightless birds for my flightless bird ranch?
EM: No. Because you bite everything.
BC: {stepping closer to Ellie} Speaking of ...
EM: Keep your little friends to yourself!
MK: There's the Bear we know and love.
EM: I'm not sure love is the word I'd use!

© 2021 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2021. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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45 comments

  1. Sending healing thoughts. I thoroughly enjoyed Bear's
    cat-raoke.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending purrs from our house!

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  3. Sending purrs and pawsitives your way sweetie!

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  4. Bear! WoW! You got the good stuff!!! You even saw Madonna and her dancing cats! I'd LOVE to see that...wait...No I don't want to loose any teeth!!
    Joking aside, we are glad that you got through the whole ordeal and we are sending healing purrs. We hope you have a marvellously Happy Day! And stay strong good buddy! Marv

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    Replies
    1. It was a great show! Thank you for the well wishes - they are much appreciated. ~Bear Cat

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  5. Oh good havens such drama after a vet visit. Poor Bear, starving and woebegone!!

    Get well soon sweet lad, we send our bests love to you.

    Marjorie and Toulouse.

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  6. That's quite the ordeal Bear but we're so very happy you're doing okay. We're sending purrs your way!

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  7. Oh Bear, I'm so sowwy yoo were starvy and had to go to the V.E.T. I am purring healing purrs and keeping yoo in my paw pwayers so yoo get all better. Love, Dori

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    Replies
    1. Dori, you are so sweet. Your kindness makes a guy feel better :) ~Bear Cat

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  8. Ah, my friend Bear. The Tribe and I would send you boxes of tasty whole chickens if we could just get our paws on The Human's Credit Card. If all else fails, we'll try meowing at Alexa for an order.

    Purraying for you!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto, Oliver & Lily

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    Replies
    1. My Momma keeps talking about all she spent on me. And I don't even remember the fun bits! Talk about bad luck! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Sweetie says, "Been there, done that!", Bear!
    But, without the ouchie teefs, she feels much better, and you will too once you've healed and filled your tummy.

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    Replies
    1. How do I keep my Momma in line now? I'm looking into kitty dentures. Of course, Smellie would probably lose them under the couch. ~Bear Cat

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  10. That was quite an adventure at the vet for Bear . . . and everyone else! Purrs for fast recovery!

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    Replies
    1. Haha. It was certainly less painful for the rest of us ... or maybe not?!

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  11. Bear, you have me laughing so hard I'm in tears! I kind of hope Mudpie wasn't in that dream of yours though! Sending you lots of love and purrs, sweetie.

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    Replies
    1. Wow! We love that we made you laugh!

      A gentle-cat doesn't dream and tell ;) ~Bear Cat

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  12. Bear, you sure kn ow how to pick 'e,m. Torties are THE candy bar (colored like a Snickers bar) of girlcats above all others. And they like stripey pants too!

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    Replies
    1. Don't sell Miss Katie Isabella short ... she's the Queen of Feline Fine - no matter the color or pattern! ~Bear Cat

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  13. How nice of Ellie to want to help you find those missing teeth. You poor boy, you looked very drugged in some of those photos. The Tooth Fairy should have delivered by now, she relies on the USPS so your gifts may be late. I hope you are feeling better now. XO

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    Replies
    1. We got the tooth fairy's goodies! Thank you, Miss Ellen! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Sounds like your doctor gave you some very good happy stuff, Bear! I hope your your mouth heals quickly from the extractions, but I am more concerned that your mom said you had a growth removed at the same time! I hope it is nothing serious and send you my best wishes.

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    Replies
    1. We first heard back that the growth was benign - but the growth actually grew back in the two weeks since it was removed - so the pathologist is re-evaluating. The growth almost looks worse this time! Bear doesn't seem to notice though - so I'm hoping it isn't painful. He gets pain meds for arthritis - so maybe that's helping there too.

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    2. I am sorry to hear that. I hope the re-evaluation shows that it is definitely benign. Sending good thoughts for Bear and for you too.

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  15. Oh Bear bless your sweet mancat heart. My first grandcat, a Cornish Rex named Cali, lost lots of teeth one time. So I know your discomfort...BUT the good news is lots of stinky soft goodness!...I just hope you like canned food.
    Ellie sometimes it is best not to be invited to pawties especially when the host is the Vet.
    Bear purrs that the 2nd evaluation of the growth is more conclusive
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. My Momma says I want what I can't have. When I have dry food, I want wet food. When I don't have dry food, I want dry food [and only dry food]. I followed Momma around for days hoping for some dry food. Now that I have it, I follow her around for wet food :) ~Bear Cat

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  16. I'm sure the tooth fairy will stop by even though there's nothing under your borrowed pillow, Bear.

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  17. Aww, poor Bear. Hope the recovery is speedy and His Twenty-one-ness is back in business. 😸

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  18. dood...sorree bout de hole trip ta la la land N de end re sult.. which waz knot la la.. & we hope ta
    cod bye now... ewe haz come ta yur senze izz & reel eyez a flight lezz BURD ranch izza HUGE miz take

    sendin best fishez thoughts N wishes...and noe EM; ewe due knot wanna partee at de vetz...trooth !! ♥♥♥

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    Replies
    1. Oddly enough, Bear's been off chicken recently. Perhaps he's taking your advice?!

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  19. We're glad Bear got back to his old self so quickly, though Ellie may not be! We hope he is still doing well, and that all is going to be OK. ♥

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  20. AMARULA: There better not have been another Tortie stealing your pants!! You poor poor boy! I hope you feel better soon! (and don't worry - the human and I have an understanding-she doesn't put me on a diet and I let her continue breathing!)

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    Replies
    1. You're too generous to your human, Amarula! Her breathing should be strictly regulated according to your mood! ~Bear Cat

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  21. Bear we are sorry you lost those teeth, but we bet you will feel better without them. We are sending lots of purrs and prayers for you. Did you get food, finally? We could send some of that, too!

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    Replies
    1. Why is is that my human only gives me the food I don't want? When I was recovering from the extractions, my Momma said no dry food - though I followed her around hoping to change her mind ... then she gave my dry food back and all I wanted was wet food! I'm just screwed and starved either way! ~Bear Cat

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  22. I'm so glad you are home. I know how much cats hate being food deprived! I remember when Toby had his dental surgery for the same reason. Thankfully, they adjust quickly.

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    Replies
    1. Bear refuses to settle down and follows me around the entire time he's without food. Can you imagine a hungry AND tired (no naps) cat?!? I hate doing it to him - that's for sure.

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