BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat]
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat]
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat]
The Boy: Momma's fiance
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat]
The Boy: Momma's fiance
MK: We need to have a family meeting.
{Bear and Ellie look around}
BC: What's SHE doing here?
EM: What's HE doing here?
MK: {🎵 🎵 to the tune of We Are Family by Sister Sledge 🎵 🎵}
We are family,
I got all my felines with me.
We are family,
Get up everybody hug.
We are family,
I got all my felines with me.
We are family,
Get up everybody hug.
{Silence}
The Boy: Oh, for Pete's sake! You were just waiting to burst into song, weren't you?
BC: You call that song? Phht.
EM: Umm ... I have a question.
MK: Yes, Ellie?
EM: Erm ... so The Boy isn't part of our family? Because you sang about felines and you ...
BC: Phht. OBVIOUSLY.
The Boy: HEY! Now wait a minute! I'm part of this family!
BC: Uh huh. SURE you are.
The Boy: Kat?
EM: No. Bear's right! The song CLEARLY states my felines with me. Nothing about you.
The Boy: But that's not accurate, right? I mean, I'm part of this family!
EM: Well ...
The Boy: BOTH of you jump in my lap for pets when Momma's not available!
EM: That'd make you more of a substitute.
BC: As if!
EM: Well, I mean, he's better than nothing! He's more like a substitute teacher. You know, having no idea what's going on - thrust in the middle - and an easy target for the kids to take advantage of ...
The Boy: So you two hate each other and you're family but I'm just a ...
EM: Not-the-Momma?
BC: Yep. DEFINITELY a Not-the-Momma.
BC: What's SHE doing here?
EM: What's HE doing here?
MK: {🎵 🎵 to the tune of We Are Family by Sister Sledge 🎵 🎵}
We are family,
I got all my felines with me.
We are family,
Get up everybody hug.
We are family,
I got all my felines with me.
We are family,
Get up everybody hug.
{Silence}
The Boy: Oh, for Pete's sake! You were just waiting to burst into song, weren't you?
BC: You call that song? Phht.
EM: Umm ... I have a question.
MK: Yes, Ellie?
EM: Erm ... so The Boy isn't part of our family? Because you sang about felines and you ...
BC: Phht. OBVIOUSLY.
The Boy: HEY! Now wait a minute! I'm part of this family!
BC: Uh huh. SURE you are.
The Boy: Kat?
EM: No. Bear's right! The song CLEARLY states my felines with me. Nothing about you.
The Boy: But that's not accurate, right? I mean, I'm part of this family!
EM: Well ...
The Boy: BOTH of you jump in my lap for pets when Momma's not available!
EM: That'd make you more of a substitute.
BC: As if!
EM: Well, I mean, he's better than nothing! He's more like a substitute teacher. You know, having no idea what's going on - thrust in the middle - and an easy target for the kids to take advantage of ...
The Boy: So you two hate each other and you're family but I'm just a ...
EM: Not-the-Momma?
BC: Yep. DEFINITELY a Not-the-Momma.
The Boy: That's so unfair!
MK: FOCUS!
The Boy: WHAT?
EM: Momma told you to focus.
BC: HA! Good luck! He's a Not-the-Momma!
MK: The Boy and I are going on a mini-vacation.
EM: Where are we going?
The Boy: Erm ... just your Momma and I are going!
BC: Spoken like a true Not-the-Momma!
MK: No. You two are staying here.
BC: The Boy and Smellie are staying here?!? FINALLY! Momma and I are going on vacation!
MK: Err ... NO. THE BOY and I are going on vacation.
BC: For how long?
MK: A couple days.
BC: Wait ... does this mean I won't have to get my insulin shots and blood sugar tested?
MK: No. We're vacationing at a hotel here so I'll be back twice a day to give you your medicine.
BC: RATS!
EM: Wait ... you're taking a vacation from us?
BC: Do they have chickens at your hotel?
MK: No. We're taking a vacation to lay in the sun and relax. And no. No chickens.
BC: Like you'd tell us if there were!
MK: Laying by a pool with a load of chickens doesn't sound relaxing!
BC: HEY! Don't knock it until you try it!
The Boy: We have to go!
BC: Tell the chickens I'm coming for them.
The Boy: Bear, I'm giving you a smartphone so you can text us if there are any emergencies.
EM: WHAT IF I HAVE AN EMERGENCY?
MK: FOCUS!
The Boy: WHAT?
EM: Momma told you to focus.
BC: HA! Good luck! He's a Not-the-Momma!
MK: The Boy and I are going on a mini-vacation.
EM: Where are we going?
The Boy: Erm ... just your Momma and I are going!
BC: Spoken like a true Not-the-Momma!
MK: No. You two are staying here.
BC: The Boy and Smellie are staying here?!? FINALLY! Momma and I are going on vacation!
MK: Err ... NO. THE BOY and I are going on vacation.
BC: For how long?
MK: A couple days.
BC: Wait ... does this mean I won't have to get my insulin shots and blood sugar tested?
MK: No. We're vacationing at a hotel here so I'll be back twice a day to give you your medicine.
BC: RATS!
EM: Wait ... you're taking a vacation from us?
BC: Do they have chickens at your hotel?
MK: No. We're taking a vacation to lay in the sun and relax. And no. No chickens.
BC: Like you'd tell us if there were!
MK: Laying by a pool with a load of chickens doesn't sound relaxing!
BC: HEY! Don't knock it until you try it!
The Boy: We have to go!
BC: Tell the chickens I'm coming for them.
The Boy: Bear, I'm giving you a smartphone so you can text us if there are any emergencies.
EM: WHAT IF I HAVE AN EMERGENCY?
BC: Like what? You fall off the cat tree?
EM: That only happened once!
BC: Once ... last week!
EM: I didn't trip out of the litter box.
MK: I think this is a really bad idea. There's a reason we can't call 911 anymore.
BC: What's 911 for if not to report an empty food bowl or someone stealing poop from our litter box!?
The Boy: Bear will be on his best behavior.
EM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
MK: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
The Boy: ONLY AN EMERGENCY, okay, Bear?
EM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
MK: You deserve everything you get.
The Boy: WHAT? I know you worry about Bear when you're not here ...
EM: HEY! What about ME?!? Momma should worry about ME! What if I don't have laps when I need them? Or what if Bear beats me up?! {GASP!} Or what if I run out of sparkle balls?!?!?! {GASP!!!! GASP!!!!} Or I run out of food!?!?!?!
BC: Phht. For once, Smellie's right.
EM: I am?!
BC: YES! Momma should worry about you. I'm fine!
EM: Err ... thanks?!
{Pause}
EM: Erm ... was that a threat - like Momma SHOULD worry about me because you're going to beat me up?
The Boy: I thought giving Bear the ability to check-in with us would let you relax a little more!
MK: That's sweet.
BC: BARF.
MK: Kisses all around! Bear!
BC: I love you, Momma!
EM: That only happened once!
BC: Once ... last week!
EM: I didn't trip out of the litter box.
MK: I think this is a really bad idea. There's a reason we can't call 911 anymore.
BC: What's 911 for if not to report an empty food bowl or someone stealing poop from our litter box!?
The Boy: Bear will be on his best behavior.
EM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
MK: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
The Boy: ONLY AN EMERGENCY, okay, Bear?
EM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
MK: You deserve everything you get.
The Boy: WHAT? I know you worry about Bear when you're not here ...
EM: HEY! What about ME?!? Momma should worry about ME! What if I don't have laps when I need them? Or what if Bear beats me up?! {GASP!} Or what if I run out of sparkle balls?!?!?! {GASP!!!! GASP!!!!} Or I run out of food!?!?!?!
BC: Phht. For once, Smellie's right.
EM: I am?!
BC: YES! Momma should worry about you. I'm fine!
EM: Err ... thanks?!
{Pause}
EM: Erm ... was that a threat - like Momma SHOULD worry about me because you're going to beat me up?
The Boy: I thought giving Bear the ability to check-in with us would let you relax a little more!
MK: That's sweet.
BC: BARF.
MK: Kisses all around! Bear!
BC: I love you, Momma!
MK: I love you, Ellie!
EM: Have a good time, Momma! Make sure your lap doesn't get sunburned!
The Boy: I love you, BuddyBear!
{Pause}
The Boy: WAIT?! Where did the cats go? They didn't wait to get a kiss from me? I love them too! I'm going to find them!
MK: Come on, let's go!
The Boy: BUT ...
{The front door closes}
BC: Phew!
EM: That was close. Daddy kisses. Ick.
EM: Have a good time, Momma! Make sure your lap doesn't get sunburned!
The Boy: I love you, BuddyBear!
{Pause}
The Boy: WAIT?! Where did the cats go? They didn't wait to get a kiss from me? I love them too! I'm going to find them!
MK: Come on, let's go!
The Boy: BUT ...
{The front door closes}
BC: Phew!
EM: That was close. Daddy kisses. Ick.
Texts from His Royal Bearness [Bear Cat's] phone -
as seen on The Boy's smartphone [over the next ten hours]
{Text of screenshots typed out for ease of reading}
😾 3:01 pm: Testing ... testing ... 😾
Bear Cat texts: One!
Bear Cat texts: Two!
Bear Cat texts: Three!
The Boy texts: Bear, we haven’t even made it to the car to leave yet!
The Boy texts: What’s wrong?
Bear Cat texts: Nothing’s wrong!
The Boy texts: Great. Bye.
Bear Cat texts: I’m just testing to make sure this texting thing works when something IS wrong.
The Boy texts: What do you mean, “when something IS wrong?”
The Boy texts: Don’t you mean, IF?
The Boy texts: What will go wrong?!
The Boy texts: BEAR?!?!?
The Boy texts: Hello?!?!?
The Boy texts: WHAT!
The Boy texts: DO!
The Boy texts: YOU!
The Boy texts: HAVE!
The Boy texts: PLANNED?!
The Boy texts: BEAR?!?!
The Boy texts: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
The Boy texts: Don’t you mean, IF?
The Boy texts: What will go wrong?!
The Boy texts: BEAR?!?!?
The Boy texts: Hello?!?!?
The Boy texts: WHAT!
The Boy texts: DO!
The Boy texts: YOU!
The Boy texts: HAVE!
The Boy texts: PLANNED?!
The Boy texts: BEAR?!?!
The Boy texts: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
Bear Cat texts: It’s an emergency!
The Boy texts: What?
Bear Cat texts: Are you asking what’s an emergency?
The Boy texts: No. What’s YOUR emergency.
Bear Cat texts: Wow. You said that line JUST LIKE the 911 dispatchers!
The Boy texts: I wonder why you know that.
Bear Cat texts: I don’t wonder why I know that. Our phone number is banned from calling 911 after too many of my calls to 911.
The Boy texts: I was being sarcastic!
The Boy texts: What?
Bear Cat texts: Are you asking what’s an emergency?
The Boy texts: No. What’s YOUR emergency.
Bear Cat texts: Wow. You said that line JUST LIKE the 911 dispatchers!
The Boy texts: I wonder why you know that.
Bear Cat texts: I don’t wonder why I know that. Our phone number is banned from calling 911 after too many of my calls to 911.
The Boy texts: I was being sarcastic!
The Boy texts: We’ve only been gone for five minutes!
Bear Cat texts: NINE minutes.
The Boy texts: Excuse me.
Bear Cat texts: There’s no excuse for you.
The Boy texts: Fine. Whatever.
The Boy texts: What could POSSIBLY have gone wrong already?!
Bear Cat texts: Oh, ye of little faith.
The Boy texts: Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.
Bear Cat texts: You’re forgiven.
Bear Cat texts: NINE minutes.
The Boy texts: Excuse me.
Bear Cat texts: There’s no excuse for you.
The Boy texts: Fine. Whatever.
The Boy texts: What could POSSIBLY have gone wrong already?!
Bear Cat texts: Oh, ye of little faith.
The Boy texts: Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.
Bear Cat texts: You’re forgiven.
The Boy texts: So what’s wrong?
Bear Cat texts: I’m waiting in line for my food bowl!
The Boy texts: You don’t have a food bowl.
Bear Cat texts: So you admit you’re starving me.
The Boy texts: No. You don’t have your own food bowl.
The Boy texts: You and Ellie share two food bowls.
The Boy texts: So if Ellie’s eating from one bowl, eat from the other bowl.
The Boy texts: Hello? Bear?
Bear Cat texts: I’m waiting in line for my food bowl!
The Boy texts: You don’t have a food bowl.
Bear Cat texts: So you admit you’re starving me.
The Boy texts: No. You don’t have your own food bowl.
The Boy texts: You and Ellie share two food bowls.
The Boy texts: So if Ellie’s eating from one bowl, eat from the other bowl.
The Boy texts: Hello? Bear?
Bear Cat texts: I wasn’t going to dignify your heinous suggestion with an answer since I knew you couldn’t be serious.
The Boy texts: Why?
Bear Cat texts: Because the OTHER food bowl has the OLD food! I want the FRESH food. And Smellie is in my way! His Royal Bearness doesn’t wait in line for his food bowl.
Bear Cat texts: HELLO?!?!
Bear Cat texts: I’m still waiting!!!
Bear Cat texts: My stomach acid is eating at my patience!
Bear Cat texts: HELLO!
The Boy texts: Why?
Bear Cat texts: Because the OTHER food bowl has the OLD food! I want the FRESH food. And Smellie is in my way! His Royal Bearness doesn’t wait in line for his food bowl.
Bear Cat texts: HELLO?!?!
Bear Cat texts: I’m still waiting!!!
Bear Cat texts: My stomach acid is eating at my patience!
Bear Cat texts: HELLO!
Bear Cat texts: Are there tasty whole chickens at your hotel?
Bear Cat texts: I bet you’re swimming with my tasty whole chickens right now!
The Boy texts: Bear, we just got to our room.
Bear Cat texts: Are there tasty whole chickens in your room?
The Boy texts: No.
Bear Cat texts: Did you look under the bed?
The Boy texts: Yes.
Bear Cat texts: Are you sure?
The Boy texts: BEAR!
Bear Cat texts: I bet you’re swimming with my tasty whole chickens right now!
The Boy texts: Bear, we just got to our room.
Bear Cat texts: Are there tasty whole chickens in your room?
The Boy texts: No.
Bear Cat texts: Did you look under the bed?
The Boy texts: Yes.
Bear Cat texts: Are you sure?
The Boy texts: BEAR!
Bear Cat texts: Did you find the chickens?
The Boy texts: NO!!!!
The Boy texts: Is this you on your best behavior?
Bear Cat texts: If you have to ask …
The Boy texts: We’re going to look around the hotel.
Bear Cat texts: Don’t forget to look for tasty whole chickens!
The Boy texts: You’ll be the first to know if we find any.
Bear Cat texts: Thank you.
The Boy texts: NO!!!!
The Boy texts: Is this you on your best behavior?
Bear Cat texts: If you have to ask …
The Boy texts: We’re going to look around the hotel.
Bear Cat texts: Don’t forget to look for tasty whole chickens!
The Boy texts: You’ll be the first to know if we find any.
Bear Cat texts: Thank you.
😾 4:06 pm: Did you find any [tasty whole chickens]? 😾
Bear Cat texts: Did you find any?
The Boy texts: Any what?
Bear Cat texts: Any TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!
The Boy texts: No.
Bear Cat texts: You forgot to look!
The Boy texts: Bear, chickens are hard to miss.
Bear Cat texts: If you have good aim.
Bear Cat texts: So you’re sure there aren’t any chickens at your hotel?
The Boy texts: Goodbye, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: This isn’t over.
The Boy texts: Any what?
Bear Cat texts: Any TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!
The Boy texts: No.
Bear Cat texts: You forgot to look!
The Boy texts: Bear, chickens are hard to miss.
Bear Cat texts: If you have good aim.
Bear Cat texts: So you’re sure there aren’t any chickens at your hotel?
The Boy texts: Goodbye, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: This isn’t over.
😾 4:23 pm: THERE'S A GUY POOPING IN MY GARDEN! 😾
Bear Cat texts: THERE'S A GUY POOPING IN MY GARDEN!
Bear Cat texts: POOPING!!!
Bear Cat texts: IN. MY. GARDEN.
The Boy texts: So?
Bear Cat texts: Put my Momma on the phone!
Momma Kat texts [using The Boy’s phone]: Hi, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: THERE'S A GUY POOPING IN MY GARDEN!
Bear Cat texts: POOPING!
Bear Cat texts: IN.
Bear Cat texts: MY.
Bear Cat texts: GARDEN.
Bear Cat texts: POOPING!!!
Bear Cat texts: IN. MY. GARDEN.
The Boy texts: So?
Bear Cat texts: Put my Momma on the phone!
Momma Kat texts [using The Boy’s phone]: Hi, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: THERE'S A GUY POOPING IN MY GARDEN!
Bear Cat texts: POOPING!
Bear Cat texts: IN.
Bear Cat texts: MY.
Bear Cat texts: GARDEN.
Momma Kat texts: Okay.
Bear Cat texts: Okay? No, it’s NOT okay! One of the guys who mows the grass is POOPING in my garden!
Momma Kat texts: Gross!
Momma Kat texts: Wait. One of the grounds guys?
Bear Cat texts: YES!
Momma Kat texts: Oh! He’s putting down mulch.
Bear Cat texts: The why is he squatting?
Momma Kat texts: Bear, the grounds guys take care of our garden! In the fall, they cut back the bushes. In the spring, they spread mulch.
Bear Cat texts: THEY are the ones who steal my rose bush? Last winter, I had no thorned bush to hide behind so you couldn’t pick me up and take me inside!
Bear Cat texts: Mark my words:
Bear Cat texts: THEY.
Bear Cat texts: WILL.
Bear Cat texts: PAY!
Bear Cat texts: I’m hissing at them through the window! Ha! I’ll teach them not to disrespect my garden!
Bear Cat texts: Momma?!
Bear Cat texts: I have to get outside and poop in the garden to show them it’s mine!
Bear Cat texts: THEY.
Bear Cat texts: WILL.
Bear Cat texts: PAY!
Bear Cat texts: I’m hissing at them through the window! Ha! I’ll teach them not to disrespect my garden!
Bear Cat texts: Momma?!
Bear Cat texts: I have to get outside and poop in the garden to show them it’s mine!
Bear Cat texts: MOMMA?!?!?!
Bear Cat texts: I have to get outside and poop in the garden to show them it’s mine!
Bear Cat texts: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
Bear Cat texts: FINE!!!
Bear Cat texts: Don’t blame me if the yard guys start using your garden as a litter box!
Bear Cat texts: All I know is that if one those yard guys comes in and uses my litter box, he’ll be in for a whole world of hurt!
Bear Cat texts: I’m not scared of them!
Bear Cat texts: I’m putting my paw down and my claws out!
Bear Cat texts: I have to get outside and poop in the garden to show them it’s mine!
Bear Cat texts: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
Bear Cat texts: FINE!!!
Bear Cat texts: Don’t blame me if the yard guys start using your garden as a litter box!
Bear Cat texts: All I know is that if one those yard guys comes in and uses my litter box, he’ll be in for a whole world of hurt!
Bear Cat texts: I’m not scared of them!
Bear Cat texts: I’m putting my paw down and my claws out!
😾 5:04 pm: Smellie's staring at me. 😾
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s staring at me with a scary look on her face!
Bear Cat texts: HELLO?!?!
Bear Cat texts: I know you’re there!
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s staring at me!!!
The Boy texts: I was waiting for the punch line.
Bear Cat texts: I’m not stupid. I know punching Smellie will get me in big trouble. Unless you promise not to tell Momma.
Bear Cat texts: So you’re sure there aren’t any chickens at your hotel?
The Boy texts: NO! The punch line to your joke about Smellie’s face.
The Boy texts: ELLIE’S face! Where you say, “No. That’s just Smellie’s regular face!”
Bear Cat texts: HELLO?!?!
Bear Cat texts: I know you’re there!
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s staring at me!!!
The Boy texts: I was waiting for the punch line.
Bear Cat texts: I’m not stupid. I know punching Smellie will get me in big trouble. Unless you promise not to tell Momma.
Bear Cat texts: So you’re sure there aren’t any chickens at your hotel?
The Boy texts: NO! The punch line to your joke about Smellie’s face.
The Boy texts: ELLIE’S face! Where you say, “No. That’s just Smellie’s regular face!”
The Boy texts: ELLIE’S!! regular face.
Bear Cat texts: That’s true. Smellie’s regular face IS scary! But she’s still staring at me!
The Boy texts: I’m handing the phone over to your Momma.
Bear Cat texts: @&*^!
Momma Kat texts [using The Boy’s phone]: Bear?
Bear Cat texts: Momma? Smellie’s staring at me!!!! Make her stop!
Momma Kat texts: Are you staring at her?
Bear Cat texts: YES! I don’t trust her when she looks this suspicious!
Bear Cat texts: That’s true. Smellie’s regular face IS scary! But she’s still staring at me!
The Boy texts: I’m handing the phone over to your Momma.
Bear Cat texts: @&*^!
Momma Kat texts [using The Boy’s phone]: Bear?
Bear Cat texts: Momma? Smellie’s staring at me!!!! Make her stop!
Momma Kat texts: Are you staring at her?
Bear Cat texts: YES! I don’t trust her when she looks this suspicious!
Momma Kat texts: Stop staring at her.
Bear Cat texts: WHAT?!?! That’s crazy! I don’t trust her!
Momma Kat texts: Stop staring at her and she’ll stop staring at you.
Bear Cat texts: That’ll never work!!!
Momma Kat texts: Try it.
Momma Kat texts: AND?!
Bear Cat texts: You know, cats don’t like know-it-alls any more than people do.
Momma Kat texts: Crisis averted?
Bear Cat texts: Shut up.
Bear Cat texts: WHAT?!?! That’s crazy! I don’t trust her!
Momma Kat texts: Stop staring at her and she’ll stop staring at you.
Bear Cat texts: That’ll never work!!!
Momma Kat texts: Try it.
Momma Kat texts: AND?!
Bear Cat texts: You know, cats don’t like know-it-alls any more than people do.
Momma Kat texts: Crisis averted?
Bear Cat texts: Shut up.
😾 5:48 pm: Do you know where my sparkle balls are? 😾
Ellie Mae texts [using Bear’s phone]: Erm … Daddy?
The Boy texts: Bear?
Ellie Mae texts: No. It’s Ellie!
The Boy texts: Hi, Baby Girl.
Ellie Mae texts: Do you know where my sparkle balls are?
The Boy texts: No.
Ellie Mae texts: It’s an emergency!! I can’t find any of my sparkle balls!
The Boy texts: It’s okay.
Ellie Mae texts: NO! It’s NOT okay!
The Boy texts: Bear?
Ellie Mae texts: No. It’s Ellie!
The Boy texts: Hi, Baby Girl.
Ellie Mae texts: Do you know where my sparkle balls are?
The Boy texts: No.
Ellie Mae texts: It’s an emergency!! I can’t find any of my sparkle balls!
The Boy texts: It’s okay.
Ellie Mae texts: NO! It’s NOT okay!
Ellie Mae texts: Tell Momma she has to come back right now and dig all my sparkle balls out from under the furniture! I’m BORED!
The Boy texts: Ellie, don’t you think Momma deserves a break?
Ellie Mae texts: NOT FROM ME!
The Boy texts: Go see if Bear wants to play.
Ellie Mae texts: Erm … I don’t know where he is.
The Boy texts: Look around!
Ellie Mae texts: Hold on.
Ellie Mae texts: I found him!
Ellie Mae texts: I called his name!
The Boy texts: Ellie, don’t you think Momma deserves a break?
Ellie Mae texts: NOT FROM ME!
The Boy texts: Go see if Bear wants to play.
Ellie Mae texts: Erm … I don’t know where he is.
The Boy texts: Look around!
Ellie Mae texts: Hold on.
Ellie Mae texts: I found him!
Ellie Mae texts: I called his name!
Ellie Mae texts: But he isn’t moving!
Ellie Mae texts: Isn’t Bear supposed to be moving?
The Boy texts: What?
Ellie Mae texts: Bear’s not really moving.
The Boy texts: WHAT?!?!?
Ellie Mae texts: BEAR’S NOT MOVING!!!
The Boy texts: At all?
Ellie Mae texts: NO!
The Boy texts: Oh, crap! Is he dead?
Ellie Mae texts: Wait …
The Boy texts: Ellie?
Ellie Mae texts: Yes!
The Boy texts: Is Bear dead?
Ellie Mae texts: I just said YES!
The Boy texts: I thought you were saying yes in reply to me typing your name.
The Boy texts: Ellie?
Ellie Mae texts: WHAT?!
The Boy texts: How am I going to tell your Momma about Bear?
Ellie Mae texts: Tell her Bear’s dead! DUH!
Ellie Mae texts: Yes!
The Boy texts: Is Bear dead?
Ellie Mae texts: I just said YES!
The Boy texts: I thought you were saying yes in reply to me typing your name.
The Boy texts: Ellie?
Ellie Mae texts: WHAT?!
The Boy texts: How am I going to tell your Momma about Bear?
Ellie Mae texts: Tell her Bear’s dead! DUH!
The Boy texts: She’ll be devastated!
Ellie Mae texts: I’ll tell Bear that!
The Boy texts: Wait. How do you know he’s dead?
Ellie Mae texts: DUH! I asked him if he’s dead and he said yes!
The Boy texts: ELLIE!!!!
Ellie Mae texts: What? I thought he was the best source of information on his death!
The Boy texts: How can he talk if he’s dead?
Ellie Mae texts: Is that a trick question?
Ellie Mae texts: Daddy?
Ellie Mae texts: HOW RUDE!
Ellie Mae texts: You’re ignoring me!
The Boy texts: Your Momma and I are going to dinner and I’m leaving my phone here to charge.
Ellie Mae texts: Why is your phone charging you?
The Boy texts: Can you hold down the fort while we’re away from the phone?
Ellie Mae texts: Erm … how big is the fort?
Ellie Mae texts: Do you think the fort has my sparkle balls?
The Boy texts: Never mind.
Ellie Mae texts: You’re ignoring me!
The Boy texts: Your Momma and I are going to dinner and I’m leaving my phone here to charge.
Ellie Mae texts: Why is your phone charging you?
The Boy texts: Can you hold down the fort while we’re away from the phone?
Ellie Mae texts: Erm … how big is the fort?
Ellie Mae texts: Do you think the fort has my sparkle balls?
The Boy texts: Never mind.
😾 6:28 pm: Did you tell Smellie to ask me if I want to play with her 😾
Bear Cat texts: Did you tell Smellie to ask me if I want to play with her?
The Boy texts: She’s bored.
Bear Cat texts: She’s playing with her sparkle balls.
The Boy texts: She said she couldn’t find any of her sparkle balls!
Bear Cat texts: Why would you think I’d want to play with Smellie if I play dead so I don’t have to deal with her?
The Boy texts: You think I could try that with your Momma?
Bear Cat texts: Momma’s too smart to fall for that.
The Boy texts: She’s bored.
Bear Cat texts: She’s playing with her sparkle balls.
The Boy texts: She said she couldn’t find any of her sparkle balls!
Bear Cat texts: Why would you think I’d want to play with Smellie if I play dead so I don’t have to deal with her?
The Boy texts: You think I could try that with your Momma?
Bear Cat texts: Momma’s too smart to fall for that.
Bear Cat texts: Though apparently, you aren’t.
The Boy texts: Aren’t what?
Bear Cat texts: Smart enough to realize when I’m playing dead.
The Boy texts: I’m not there! How should I know?
Bear Cat texts: Exactly.
The Boy texts: Sometimes, I don’t like you very much.
Bear Cat texts: The feeling is mutual.
The Boy texts: Haha.
Bear Cat texts: I’m not laughing.
The Boy texts: Aren’t what?
Bear Cat texts: Smart enough to realize when I’m playing dead.
The Boy texts: I’m not there! How should I know?
Bear Cat texts: Exactly.
The Boy texts: Sometimes, I don’t like you very much.
Bear Cat texts: The feeling is mutual.
The Boy texts: Haha.
Bear Cat texts: I’m not laughing.
😾 7:21 pm: Smellie's on my last nerve. 😾
Bear Cat texts: You have a problem.
The Boy texts: We miss you?
Bear Cat texts: OBVIOUSLY.
Bear Cat texts: But no. You have ANOTHER problem.
The Boy texts: And that would be …
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s on my last nerve.
The Boy texts: Why?
Bear Cat texts: She keeps batting at my tail.
The Boy texts: She’s bored!
Bear Cat texts: She stole my catnip banana.
The Boy texts: We miss you?
Bear Cat texts: OBVIOUSLY.
Bear Cat texts: But no. You have ANOTHER problem.
The Boy texts: And that would be …
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s on my last nerve.
The Boy texts: Why?
Bear Cat texts: She keeps batting at my tail.
The Boy texts: She’s bored!
Bear Cat texts: She stole my catnip banana.
The Boy texts: You have plenty of catnip toys.
Bear Cat texts: I had to wait in line for my food bowl.
The Boy texts: And you survived.
Bear Cat texts: Then she pooped a stinky poop in the non-stinky poop side of the litter box!
Bear Cat texts: Now the whole litter box needs to be cleaned!
The Boy texts: We’ll take care of it when we get back.
Bear Cat texts: Our litter box has been declared a disaster area!
Bear Cat texts: This is the WORST day EVER!
The Boy texts: And you survived.
Bear Cat texts: Then she pooped a stinky poop in the non-stinky poop side of the litter box!
Bear Cat texts: Now the whole litter box needs to be cleaned!
The Boy texts: We’ll take care of it when we get back.
Bear Cat texts: Our litter box has been declared a disaster area!
Bear Cat texts: This is the WORST day EVER!
The Boy texts: You said that yesterday.
Bear Cat texts: So?!
Bear Cat texts: Yesterday WAS the worst day … until TODAY.
The Boy texts: You know, the whole reason why we left for a few days is so your Momma can relax!
The Boy texts: She’s so stressed out dealing with all your issues, she needed a break.
The Boy texts: And you can’t stop texting us with “disasters!”
Bear Cat texts: Giving me a phone while you’re gone was YOUR idea.
The Boy texts: I thought you’d be on your best behavior.
Bear Cat texts: So?!
Bear Cat texts: Yesterday WAS the worst day … until TODAY.
The Boy texts: You know, the whole reason why we left for a few days is so your Momma can relax!
The Boy texts: She’s so stressed out dealing with all your issues, she needed a break.
The Boy texts: And you can’t stop texting us with “disasters!”
Bear Cat texts: Giving me a phone while you’re gone was YOUR idea.
The Boy texts: I thought you’d be on your best behavior.
Bear Cat texts: And I am.
The Boy texts: You have a point.
Bear Cat texts: Actually, I have twenty-two points.
The Boy texts: So now you understand why I don’t miss you.
Bear Cat texts: Stick a claw in Smellie, she’s done.
The Boy texts: What?
The Boy texts: Bear?!
The Boy texts: REMEMBER … only emergencies!
Bear Cat texts: Please hold …
The Boy texts: You have a point.
Bear Cat texts: Actually, I have twenty-two points.
The Boy texts: So now you understand why I don’t miss you.
Bear Cat texts: Stick a claw in Smellie, she’s done.
The Boy texts: What?
The Boy texts: Bear?!
The Boy texts: REMEMBER … only emergencies!
Bear Cat texts: Please hold …
😾 8:30 pm: Bear's being mean to me! 😾
Ellie Mae texts [though using Bear’s phone]: Bear’s being mean to me!
The Boy texts: Ellie?
Ellie Mae texts: No. I’m Bear. And I’m being mean to myself.
The Boy texts: I see you’ve been practicing your sarcastic wit.
The Boy texts: Momma and Bear are rubbing off on you.
Ellie Mae texts: EWW!
The Boy texts: Not literally!
Ellie Mae texts: Bear says he’s creating an emergency.
The Boy texts: Ellie?
Ellie Mae texts: No. I’m Bear. And I’m being mean to myself.
The Boy texts: I see you’ve been practicing your sarcastic wit.
The Boy texts: Momma and Bear are rubbing off on you.
Ellie Mae texts: EWW!
The Boy texts: Not literally!
Ellie Mae texts: Bear says he’s creating an emergency.
The Boy texts: Tell him the kind of emergencies he creates don’t count as emergencies.
Ellie Mae texts: They’re emergencies to me!!!
The Boy texts: Tell him to stop being mean to you.
Ellie Mae texts: Why didn’t I think of that?
The Boy texts: You’re being sarcastic again?
Ellie Mae texts: Fine. I’ll take care of him …
Ellie Mae texts: NO THANKS TO YOU!
The Boy texts: Is everything okay?
The Boy texts: Ellie?
Ellie Mae texts: They’re emergencies to me!!!
The Boy texts: Tell him to stop being mean to you.
Ellie Mae texts: Why didn’t I think of that?
The Boy texts: You’re being sarcastic again?
Ellie Mae texts: Fine. I’ll take care of him …
Ellie Mae texts: NO THANKS TO YOU!
The Boy texts: Is everything okay?
The Boy texts: Ellie?
😾 9:36 pm: I need Momma! 😾
Bear Cat texts: I need Momma!
The Boy texts: What’s wrong?
Bear Cat texts: Are you Momma?
The Boy texts: No.
Bear Cat texts: Give Momma the phone!
Momma Kat texts [using The Boy’s phone]: Hi, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: Hi, Momma!
Momma Kat texts: What’s wrong?
Bear Cat texts: It’s time for my nap and you’re not here to snuggle with!
Bear Cat texts: I can’t sleep without your snuggles.
Bear Cat texts: Are you Momma?
The Boy texts: No.
Bear Cat texts: Give Momma the phone!
Momma Kat texts [using The Boy’s phone]: Hi, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: Hi, Momma!
Momma Kat texts: What’s wrong?
Bear Cat texts: It’s time for my nap and you’re not here to snuggle with!
Bear Cat texts: I can’t sleep without your snuggles.
Bear Cat texts: Come home!
Bear Cat texts: My ears need scratches too!
Momma Kat texts: Bear, I’ll be back in the morning and I’ll give you tons of scratches.
Bear Cat texts: Back for good?
Momma Kat texts: No. I’ll be stopping by to give you your medicine, scoop the litter box and feed you two.
Bear Cat texts: Hmph.
Momma Kat texts: What if I personally guarantee some first-class snuggling?
Bear Cat texts: Without Smellie?
Bear Cat texts: My ears need scratches too!
Momma Kat texts: Bear, I’ll be back in the morning and I’ll give you tons of scratches.
Bear Cat texts: Back for good?
Momma Kat texts: No. I’ll be stopping by to give you your medicine, scoop the litter box and feed you two.
Bear Cat texts: Hmph.
Momma Kat texts: What if I personally guarantee some first-class snuggling?
Bear Cat texts: Without Smellie?
Momma Kat texts: Yes.
Bear Cat texts: Okay.
Momma Kat texts: I miss you too, Bug.
Bear Cat texts: I love you, Momma.
Momma Kat texts: I love you too, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: And don’t you forget it!
Momma Kat texts: How could I?
Bear Cat texts: Hmph.
Bear Cat texts: Okay.
Momma Kat texts: I miss you too, Bug.
Bear Cat texts: I love you, Momma.
Momma Kat texts: I love you too, Bear.
Bear Cat texts: And don’t you forget it!
Momma Kat texts: How could I?
Bear Cat texts: Hmph.
😾 10:23 pm: Tell Momma it's time for our wet food treat! 😾
Bear Cat texts: Tell Momma it’s time for our wet food treat!
The Boy texts: She said she gave it to you before we left.
Bear Cat texts: But that was eight hours ago!
Bear Cat texts: All the wet food is gone!
Bear Cat texts: I’m starving!!!
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s wasting away! She’s ALMOST smaller than an airplane hangar!
Bear Cat texts: Starvation is imminent!
The Boy texts: Then eat your dry food!
Bear Cat texts: You can’t be serious.
The Boy texts: She said she gave it to you before we left.
Bear Cat texts: But that was eight hours ago!
Bear Cat texts: All the wet food is gone!
Bear Cat texts: I’m starving!!!
Bear Cat texts: Smellie’s wasting away! She’s ALMOST smaller than an airplane hangar!
Bear Cat texts: Starvation is imminent!
The Boy texts: Then eat your dry food!
Bear Cat texts: You can’t be serious.
The Boy texts: Try me.
Bear Cat texts: Fine! I’ll take matters into my own paws!
The Boy texts: What does that mean?
The Boy texts: Hello?!
The Boy texts: Bear?!
😾 11:21 pm: Bear? Is everything okay? 😾
The Boy texts: Bear? Is everything okay?
The Boy texts: Momma’s worried about what’s going on there!
The Boy texts: Hello?
The Boy texts: Bear?
The Boy texts: Ellie?
The Boy texts: What’s going on there!?
The Boy texts: Momma and I are going to bed. Feel free to contact us!
The Boy texts: We’re still up!
The Boy texts: Momma’s worried!
The Boy texts: Hello?
The Boy texts: We’re coming home.
The Boy texts: Momma’s worried about what’s going on there!
The Boy texts: Hello?
The Boy texts: Bear?
The Boy texts: Ellie?
The Boy texts: What’s going on there!?
The Boy texts: Momma and I are going to bed. Feel free to contact us!
The Boy texts: We’re still up!
The Boy texts: Momma’s worried!
The Boy texts: Hello?
The Boy texts: We’re coming home.
😾 12:57 am: Someone's breaking into our house! 😾
Bear Cat texts: Someone’s breaking into our house!
The Boy texts: WHAT?!
Bear Cat texts: I hear someone messing with the front door!
Bear Cat texts: Oh, no! The grounds guys are back to poop in my litter box!
The Boy texts: Wait! Why would the grounds guys poop in your litter box?
Bear Cat texts: Don’t ask.
The Boy texts: It’s your Momma and me!
Bear Cat texts: You and Momma want to poop in my litter box?
The Boy texts: WHAT?!
Bear Cat texts: I hear someone messing with the front door!
Bear Cat texts: Oh, no! The grounds guys are back to poop in my litter box!
The Boy texts: Wait! Why would the grounds guys poop in your litter box?
Bear Cat texts: Don’t ask.
The Boy texts: It’s your Momma and me!
Bear Cat texts: You and Momma want to poop in my litter box?
The Boy texts: NO! We’re at the front door! We decided to come home early!
The Boy texts: Bear?!?!
Bear Cat texts: Hold on.
The Boy texts: What? What’s going on?
The Boy texts: We haven’t heard from you guys in a couple hours! Your Momma was worried!
The Boy texts: I hear you two whispering behind the door! What’s going on in there?!?
The Boy texts: I hear you talking about hiding something! What are you hiding?
The Boy texts: Why can’t we open the door?
The Boy texts: Bear?!?!
Bear Cat texts: Hold on.
The Boy texts: What? What’s going on?
The Boy texts: We haven’t heard from you guys in a couple hours! Your Momma was worried!
The Boy texts: I hear you two whispering behind the door! What’s going on in there?!?
The Boy texts: I hear you talking about hiding something! What are you hiding?
The Boy texts: Why can’t we open the door?
The Boy texts: IT’S ONE AM!!!
The Boy texts: WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?!?!?
The Boy texts: LET US IN!!!
The Boy texts: You guys texted us non-stop until a couple of hours ago and now you guys can’t be bothered?!?!?!?!
The Boy texts: LET US IN!!!
The Boy texts: My phone is about to go dead!!!
The Boy texts: BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T STOP TEXTING US!
The Boy texts: LET US IN!!!
The Boy texts: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Boy texts: WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?!?!?
The Boy texts: LET US IN!!!
The Boy texts: You guys texted us non-stop until a couple of hours ago and now you guys can’t be bothered?!?!?!?!
The Boy texts: LET US IN!!!
The Boy texts: My phone is about to go dead!!!
The Boy texts: BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T STOP TEXTING US!
The Boy texts: LET US IN!!!
The Boy texts: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.
Featured posts:
- To read our past posts relating to texting with cats:
- To read more about our "Not-the-Momma:"
- To read about Bear's most recent medical issues: Meeting Mona and Mr. Hissy *issy Pants strikes again.
- To read about Bear's rules for litter box etiquette: Poopetiquette.
Oh his Royal Bearness and Lady Ellie Mae in Waiting
ReplyDeleteYou and your Momma have me giggling like a crazy person.
Of course you had to test all the equipment...and of course once tested for proper response time from the Momma it was your Royal decisions to do what cats do...Ignore things unless you chose to pay attention.
My grandsonkitty Frisco is quite the techie..(should you need help) favorite sissy of Angel Madi discovered he was kinda interested in her fingers when she was on her iPad...So a few years ago when she bought a newer model.
She gave him hers and put a few cat games on it. However, not realizing his expertise with his paws she neglected to disable texting etc. Dang if that crazy cat didn't text the last person she sent a text too. She rec'd a message, "your texted not legible send again". She replied 'I didn't send you a text'. She ran to check her old iPad and yep Frisco sent a paw text in lieu of a butt text. She said thank goodness he didn't hit my amazon icon.
Take care everyone stay well...
Hugs cecilia
Hahahahaha. That's one talented cat! I'm thinking Frisco knows more about technology than I do!
DeleteWith all that fun and relaxation Momma and the Boy should go on vacation more often!
ReplyDeleteHome is more relaxing! Not that that's saying much ...
DeleteI hope that Bear doesn't have access to Amazon on that phone, or you're going to have some big boxes of treats coming!
ReplyDeleteDon't give him ideas!
DeleteThank goodness you can't buy artillery tanks on Amazon ... I'm afraid to check if they sell tasty whole chickens ...
DeleteI couldn't read this entire post, but it surely looks like someone now needs a vacation for their vacation!
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! JUST when we were starting to have fun the humans decided to come home!! What's with that?! They RUINED our fun! ~Bear Cat
DeleteI hope that you had a wonderful vacation! I'm glad that there weren't any chickens to bother your lounging. Kitties can be so dramatic sometimes. I hope that Bear was able to settle down and just enjoy a little down time. After all, he got to get away from his human-watching duties while you were gone.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteYeah! Seriously?! Where's MY vacation? ~Bear Cat
Deleteguyz....knot sidin with yur purrsonz on thiz but we due knot think mom N dad getted
ReplyDeletethey rest N relax thiz waz aimin for !!!!!!!!!!!! oh, N bye de way de fone still had
SEVEN purrcent and de batt reez knot even red ~~~ :) ♥♥
We didn't get our vacation either! JUST when we were starting to have fun the humans decided to come home!! What's with that?! They RUINED our fun! ~Bear Cat
DeleteYikes....not much of a vacation!!!
ReplyDeleteThe Florida Furkids
I guess the cats didn't get the memo ...
DeleteI knew it would be trouble giving Bear a smartphone!
ReplyDeleteWe could only imagine what Flynn and Eric would be up to if they'd had smartphones!
DeleteMOL I don't think you guys are going to be getting much rest and relaxation!!! I can see Mudpie's texts now..."MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!!" And I wouldn't have it any other way :)
ReplyDeleteIt's true. Don't tell The Boy, but I was secretly excited to be home with my kitties again. Life is just better with them in it!
DeleteDang. We were hoping to have a wild party at your house, Bear, while the humans are away. Guess that won’t be happening.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! JUST when we were starting to have fun the humans decided to come home!! What's with that?! They RUINED our fun! ~Bear Cat
DeleteAMARULA: How dare they vacation without you!?? When the human thinks of doing something crazy like that I like to leave a little "present" in her suitcase if you know what I mean!!!! And loved your comment about ZULU- when you're only one color you really don't have a lot going for you!!!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha. I don't DO suitcases though. Smellie loves to sit in them. Since Momma's suitcase interior is black and so is Smellie ... it's ALMOST like she's not here at all ... or maybe that's just wishful thinking! ~Bear Cat
DeleteSomehow I think your momma would have been more relaxed just staying home instead of reading all those text messages. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's true. Though the period of silence is where it REALLY gets stressful. You know the cats are up to something ...
DeleteI know realize why the Ninja and Stormin Norman can't have their own smartphones. Hope your 'pawrents' were able to enjoy at least a smidgeon of fun at the hotel. 😊
ReplyDeleteThe best part was that the hotel was across the highway from the airport! I love watching planes take off and land!
DeleteWow, what a relaxing vacation Momma Kat and The Boy had. MOL!
ReplyDeleteHome is more relaxing! Not that that's saying much ...
DeleteBear! That shark HAS to be put in a cage. There he is gnawing on your arm again. How do you put UP with that!? And really, I think you handled your end of the vacation communication like a Boss. Clear, concise, um...well, clear and concise and um...yeah, plentiful! There could be no doubt what was happening and what was needed. I like the way you handled the emergency of those guys doing the unthinkable in the yard! Although a slight, just eency weency, mis-communication. You are large and in charge. Ellie was in safe paws.
ReplyDeleteWell, TECHNICALLY, Smellie is LARGE ... but you are right, I am in charge! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, I don't think that's what she meant by large, jerkface! ~Ellie Mae
Your mom sounds like mine! She hates leaving me even for a little while.
ReplyDeleteDo you think we use it to our advantage? ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteWell I cant help thinking at least one party is missing the idea of a what a holiday is all about.
ReplyDeleteHave you guys thought of variations on a theme? Sun sea and sand aka Sun lamps, ultra big litter box, and a paddling pool all set up in your lounge! Just a thought, plus can have fun ordering from the staff and then sending meals back, not tipping and getting to walk on the beach whilst still socialy distancing ;)
Purrs from my imagination to yours.
ERin TCP
Whoa! The humans could WAIT ON US! Wait ... they already do. Nuts. ~Bear Cat
DeleteSometimes it's just more relaxing to stay home, right?
ReplyDeleteTrue. Somehow arguing cats have a way of sharing their misery with us no matter where we are!
DeleteMOL!! You guys did a good job of keeping your humans on their toes! Our Female Human would never leave us with a smart phone but we've got a tip for you. There is a lady named Alexa that lives on top of one of our cabinets. All you have to do is yell her name and tell her what you want. For instance, the next time Ellie is out of sparkly balls just have her yell, "Alexa! Go to Amazon and order me 30 packages of sparkly balls!" And Bear Cat, I'm sure it would work for you. Just meow at Alexa to bring you tasty chicken. And the next time you have the phone, give the Tribe a call!
ReplyDeletePurrs & Head Bonks,
Alberto & The Tribe
Erm ... thank goodness I found this comment before our cats did! I'd be broke! Our cats think Alexa is like the tooth fairy or the Easter Bunny ... just a little too good to be true :)
DeleteLove your Blog
ReplyDeleteThank you! If you have a blog or site we can visit, we'd love for you to share it with us!
Delete