Latte calls Bear's lawyer

Latte calls Bear's lawyer! Oh, to be fly on the wall of THAT conversation! Luckily for us, we get a front-row seat to the consultation. The lawyer certainly wasn't sure what hit her.




This post was inspired by the following Facebook post: 


One of our readers commented that Latte should keep track of all the abuse she's suffering. Latte remarked that the phone number of Bear's lawyer remained scratched into the side of the litter box. The following describes the events of Latte's phone call with the lawyer.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy lady cat] 
L: Latte [tortie/tabby girl kitten] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance and Latte and Ellie's human Daddy

Latte: Are you a real lawyer?
{Pause}
Latte: Well, don't get upset! If my Mom's going to pay you for your services, I should at least know what I'm getting!
{Pause}
Latte: No. I'm the injured party!
{Pause}
Latte: But I don't have any money! 



{Pause}
Latte: My Mom's too cheap to give me an allowance!
{Pause}
Latte: I'm a cat!
{Pause}
Latte: That's discrimination!
{Pause}
Latte: Can't you take my case per bones?
{Pause}
Latte: PER BONES! Geez! What kind of lawyer are you?
{Pause}
Latte: Let me talk to your manager!
{Pause}
Latte: No! I can't hold! I don't have opposable thumbs!
{Pause}
Latte: No! I can't wait! I already told you, I'm a cat! Cats don't wait.
{Pause}
Latte: I don't know why Bear recommended you. Your customer service is terrible!
{Pause}
Latte: What do you mean you fired him? You can't fire someone you work for!


{Pause}
Latte: What do you mean he wanted to file frivolous lawsuits? Aren't most human lawsuits frivolous? 
{Pause}
Latte: Oh, I see. My Mom wasn't paying you enough money.
{Pause}
Latte: WHAT? No! I don't speak Spanish!
{Pause}
Latte: I don't care if you're bilingual! Are you bipedal?
{Pause}
Latte: BI-PED-AL!
{Pause}
Latte: Is your hostility toward cats the reason why your number was scratched into the side of the litter box under text that said, "For a horrible time, call xxx-xxxx?"
{Pause}
Latte: Well, don't get mad at me! I didn't say it!



{Pause}
Latte: What does "gives good head" mean?
{Pause}
Latte: Hello?
{Pause}
Latte: Hello?! How rude.
{Pause}
(Dials lawyer back)
{Pause}
Latte: We somehow got disconnected. You should get the phone company to check your line!
{Pause}
Latte: Oh, wait! Rubs!
{Pause}
Latte: No, I don't know the legal definition of sexual harassment.


{Pause}
Latte: Why are you asking me? Aren't you the lawyer? Shouldn't you KNOW the legal definition of sexual harassment?
{Pause}
Latte: Well, I'm fixed, so you don't have to worry about those kinds of things.
{Pause}
Latte: No. I wasn't broken. My Momma's not THAT mean. I mean, I'm FIXED. Like non-kitten producing.
{Pause}
Latte: Why are you so interested in my reproductive status? Is that not sexual harassment?
{Pause}
Latte: No, I was saying that "gives good head" has another word I didn't see at first!
{Pause}
Latte: Rubs! As in "gives good head rubs."
{Pause}
Latte: That's a personal question, don't you think?


{Pause}
Latte: I need your services because I need to file a case against my Mom!
{Pause}
Latte: Well, YES! She IS paying the bill!
{Pause}
Latte: Cats don't have the word 'ethics' in their vocabulary! You're a lawyer! You should understand no ethics!
{Pause}
Latte: What has she done? HA! I hope you have a couple notebooks! I already have several notebooks full of notes about the injustices I've experienced.
{Pause}
Latte: Like what? You wouldn't believe how stupid my sisfur is!
{Pause}
Latte: My SIS-FUR! My sister with fur!
{Pause}
Latte: NO! She's a cat!
{Pause}
Latte: You don't seem much smarter than she is!


{Pause}
Latte: If I tell her I'm dead because I don't want her to bother me, she believes me!
{Pause}
Latte: Hmm. You have a point. But it does suck! I have to explain EVERYTHING to her, like five or six times ...
{Pause}
Latte: ... a day!
{Pause}
Latte: OH! OH! And you never asked what happened to Bear! She holds him hostage in a box and makes him speak Spanish!
{Pause}
Latte: I heard that from my sisfur!
{Pause}
Latte: YES! The stupid one! I only have one sisfur!
{Pause}
Latte: You have a point. Okay! I have one! She tells me I'm not a kitten anymore!


{Pause}
Latte: Well, OBVIOUSLY, I'm NOT a kitten! I'm over a year old!
{Pause}
Latte: Yes, I refuse to eat kitten food! I'm too old for that!
{Pause}
Latte: Hmm. Whose side are you on anyway?
{Pause}
Latte: NO! Bear didn't teach me that! Unlike SOME sisfurs, I can think for myself!
{Pause}
Latte: Yes, my food bowl is full! Why are you asking?
{Pause}
Latte: He did? My bowl is always full!


{Pause}
Latte: That's crazy! What kind of monster do you think my Mom is?
{Pause}
Latte: Oh?! It would? Hang on!
~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~
Latte: This might take a while. I'll call you back!
~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~ CRUNCH ~~
{Five minutes later}
Latte: Okay! It's empty!


{Pause}
Latte: What do you mean that doesn't count?
{Pause}
Latte: Well, she doesn't let me go where I want! She CLOSES doors so I can't see what she's doing! And she won't let me get in the refrigerator, dishwasher, washer, dryer, oven, or cabinets! Where am I supposed to have fun in this house? I spend 90% of my life locked out of places I want to be!


{Pause}
Latte: All she knows is how to ruin a good time!
{Pause}
Latte: And give good snuggles.


{Pause}
Latte: But the other day, we played a game and she cheated!
{Pause}
Latte: The game we played? She tried to make the bed and I bit her hand off! My foot was dirty, so I called a time-out! She kept making the bed!


{Pause}
Latte: What do you mean she sounds like the injured party? I called time-out!
{Pause}
Latte: What do you mean I act like I'm entitled! I AM entitled!
{Pause}
Latte: The worst she's done to me? HA!
{Pause}
Latte: When she came to the adoption event to meet me, she brought a Squeeze-up for me! When she asked me if I'd like to come live with her, I assumed I'd have all the Squeeze-ups a cat could want! Now, she only saves them for "special occasions!" What kind of messed-up crap is that? She totally tricked me!


{Pause}
Latte: I know I'm lucky! My Mom and Dad love me! But things could be better!
{Pause}
Latte: What do you mean I don't have a case?
{Pause}
Latte: Momma always says I have to get off her case! If she has a case, don't I have a case?
{Pause}
Latte: You're a lawyer. Make $#!+ up!
{Pause}
Latte: Hello?! HELLO?!?! FINE! I'll call another lawyer and sue you too!
EM: {from the other room} Up yours too, Daddy! There are only eight treats here!
The Boy: I usually give you six treats! I gave you a couple of extras!
EM: I'm not stupid!!  I know eight is less than six! I'm being screwed! I'm calling Bear's lawyer!
Latte: {sigh} {mumbling to herself} Don't bother.

© 2022 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Written and Published by Katherine Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2022. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 


Featured posts:
  • If you missed the incident where Bear told Ellie he was dead so that she'd leave him alone ... Momma's vacation[ish].
  • Ellie seems confused about her brofur's condition. She's convinced he now lives in a box and likes to speak Spanish. To read more ... Umm ... What?!?
  • To read about Bear's challenges finding a decent lawyer ... Kitty trauma drama.

39 comments

  1. The first blog mommy let me read so far today and me and mommy loved it all! We thought you were inspired Latte and the pics of you o the ohone just tipped mom over into a good smile! Me too. Hey, anyone who doesn't know 6 is more than 8 is in pitiful shape! And the two of you (talking to you too, Ellie Mae) calling Bear's lawyer...well...maybe you should hit Yelp and see what kinda reviews he has...ya know?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is there a cat's version of lawyer reviews? Because this one definitely seemed unpleased to deal with cats. As if. ~Latte
      Ps - looking for recs!

      Delete
  2. Hmmm...maybe there needs to be an Angie's list for cats?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Snicker...seems like it's not useful trying to get legal help but perhaps if you try Legal Aid they might be able to help.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ernie the Attorney, aka longhaired mini dachshund was Madi's attorney. I believe he is currently retired but would probably come out of retirement for a price
    Hugs cecilia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Erm ... Let me look in my Mom's wallet and get back to you. Does he take credit cards? ~Latte

      Delete
  5. Hey, look at that...looks like I can comment. Latte, our humans are famous at that old bait and switch trick. They just don't give us credit for being way smarter than they are. Wish we had the name of a good lawyer for you, but... Good luck with getting more squeeze ups. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, angel Mauricio, Misty May, angel Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy, Sawyer & Kizmet + two interlopers

    ReplyDelete
  6. WOW Latte, I'm sure glad you got so much good legal advise sweetie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess it depends on your definition of "good" ... ~Latte

      Delete
  7. A cat with a lawyer on call, impressive!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The more I learn about Bear, the more I like him! ~Latte

      Delete
  8. What a creative and delightful post and photos of your 'Kitty' ~ Xo

    Seeing the good in each moment,

    A ShutterBug Explores,
    aka (A Creative Harbor)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Latte, it sounds like you have a good case there. Now all you need is to find a lawyer who can keep up with your smarts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe that should be the first question I ask? "Are you smart enough to keep up with me?" ~Latte

      Delete
  10. Your sums are almost (ALMOST) as good as mine are....

    Toulouse,
    Dash Kitten Crew

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's depressing when you are smarter than your older sister ... ~Latte

      Delete
  11. My mum never gives me those dry treats anymore. However, I get nice chicken a lot with my regular cat food!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yum! My Mom stopped giving Ellie those treats too, but my Dad felt sorry for her and sneaks her a handful every so often! Ellie can be relentless! ~Latte

      Delete
  12. Latte, it looks like you have a serious case there, but we think you need to find a better lawyer ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm ... seems like cats are an underserved market for lawyers ... perhaps I should go to law school myself? ~Latte

      Delete
  13. Sounds like you need to find a better attorney- and a way to pay for him or her yourself. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There should be a list of non-discriminating lawyers just for cats! ~Latte

      Delete
  14. That lawyer didn't sound very helpful! I think you did a good job on confusing her though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Ellie says Bear would be proud, but I don't really understand what she means! ~Latte

      Delete
  15. AMARULA: Latte it was so smart of Bear to scratch the name of his lawyer into the side of the litter box! you gotta give me his name! I gotta sue Frodo and Zulu for driving me crazy!!! We torties don't get the appreciation we deserve do we!!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There should be a specialty in lawyers JUST for torties! ~Latte

      Delete
  16. Definitely sounds like you need to find a new lawyer who can pay attention better and follow what you're saying, Latte! And one who works pro bono since your mom won't pay!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Well Kittens Latte, maybe we all need to go in together and hire a good lawyer. Ya' know, like one of those lawsuits with lots of kitties with the same complaints. I's tell ya', we have a few complaints here too. Big hugs

    Luvs ya'

    RaenaBelle and Zebby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's brilliant! Now we just need to find a lawyer ... ~Latte

      Delete
  18. Dear Latte,
    You clearly called the wrong attorney. Had you consulted with me and my crack staff of purralegals we would have quickly put a case together for you. The breach of promise issues alone are enough for a nice fat lawsuit then there's the mental cruelty issue, who promises squeeze ups and then renigs?? I am outraged on your behalf.
    Your Furriend,
    Oliver, Barrister Extraordinaire 1-800-HELPMEOWT

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Mom totally cracked up at the 1-800-HELPMEOWT! Like she thinks this a game! ~Latte

      Delete
  19. I don't know, Latte, but I would replace that lawyer immediately for someone who listens well and in your case, for free😸 I also want to thank you for bringing comfort on the passing of my sweet Little Binky. It's good to know that she had so many friends here and that you were one of them. Thank You🌸 Pawkisses from Heaven to you all🐾😽✨

    ReplyDelete

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