The hatchet

Latte tries her best to bury the hatchet with Ellie for the New Year. When Ellie gets confused, things do not go exactly as planned. And you'll never guess where (or should I say, at WHO) Ellie draws the line.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy lady cat] 
L: Latte [tortie/tabby lady cat aka "Kitten"] 
MK: Momma Kat [Latte and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance, Daddy to Latte and Ellie 

L: Ellie?
L: Ellie MAE?!?
L: Why aren't you talking to me?
EM: I'm not stupid! I know that as soon as I answer, you'll make fun of me. The only times you pay attention to me, you make me the butt of your joke.
L: That's what I wanted to talk to you about!
EM: Making fun of me? I didn't realize I had a choice.

L: No! For New Year's, we should bury the hatchet.
EM: Umm ... what hatchet? You have a hatchet? Or is it Momma's hatchet? Momma, did you get a hatchet for Christmas?
EM: {GASP!} Is Momma a closeted hatchet murderer?!?!
MK: Ellie, nothing is closeted about a hatchet murderer.
EM: So you're openly a hatchet murderer?!?
MK: I don't have a hatchet!
EM: But if you did, you'd murder people with it?
MK: NO! I don't have a hatchet. And if I did, I wouldn't murder people with it.
EM: What about cats?

MK: NO! Not cats, either!
EM: Because it seems to me that someone who gives their cats new toothbrushes for Christmas could have a hidden, darker side.
L: Yeah. You kind of did.
EM: When did we get our new toothbrushes?
MK: A week before Christmas!
EM: Exactly.
MK: But it wasn't FOR Christmas! You needed new toothbrushes! I also bought you litter and food!
L: What a cheapo. 

MK: If I were a cheapo, I'd make you hunt for your own food.
EM: That's not even funny as a joke, Momma!
L: You never know. You might be able to talk a mouse to death.
EM: At least I wouldn't run from it!
L: Give me a mouse and let's see!
MK: Let's not. Because if you both fail to catch it, I'll have to.
L: A toothbrush. Litter. Food. Getting your cats stuff they'd need anyway ... for Christmas!
MK: It wasn't FOR CHRISTMAS! I just happened to receive the order the week before Christmas!
EM: Did you get Daddy a toothbrush for Christmas?
L: Did you get him a new toothbrush a week before Christmas?
EM: It seems to me that if anyone should be a hatchet murderer around here, it should be me and Latte. Toothbrushes! For Christmas!

L: Yeah, that's even worse than the Valentine's Day when Momma bought Daddy socks!
EM: I wouldn't blame Daddy if HE were a hatchet murderer.
MK: You don't even like Daddy!
EM: But you got him socks.
L: A toothbrush for Christmas! Hashtag #WORSTPRESENTEVER.
MK: Hashtag #FAKENEWS.
EM: What's a hashtag? Is that some kind of rash?
MK: {sigh} What's all this nonsense about a hatchet? No one here is a hatchet murderer!
EM: Then why does Latte want to bury a hatchet?

L: THE hatchet. But it's not a real hatchet.
EM: WHAT? What does that mean? Why would you bury a fake hatchet? You know what we should bury? The toothbrushes Momma got us for Christmas! Now THAT'S a New Year's Resolution I'm all for!
L: It's not a FAKE hatchet. It's a figurative one.
EM: Is this a joke about my weight? That's why the hatchet has to do with my figure?
L: Well, since you brought it up ... you should go on a diet.
MK: Oh, geez. You BOTH should go on a diet.
L: No. The hatchet is figurative. It means metaphorical.
EM: Why would I want to meet a forical? Do they bite? 
MK: Ellie, when two people ...
L: Or cats!

MK: When two people or cats "bury the hatchet" they agree to stop fighting and get along.
L: We could be ... {cough} {cough} ... friends.
EM: You? And ... ME?
L: Yes.
EM: Friends?
L: {sigh} Yes.
EM: Like besties? BFFs? I've never had a BFF before! 
L: I'm already regretting this.
EM: I've never BEEN a BFF before! No one has wanted to be my BFF. Well, except for Momma, but she doesn't count.
EM: You're my Momma! It's not the same as having a BFF that isn't your Momma.
L: Erm ... no one wants to be your bestie ... where there's smoke ... there's fire.
EM: Wait! Is this like when you told me I could be a monkey's uncle?
L: Hahaha. THAT was funny. 

EM: Until you told me I had to eat a banana!
L: And you ALMOST went outside to climb a tree!
EM: There's also the time you gifted me a polar bear.
L: I didn't GIFT you a polar bear. I paid for you to ADOPT a polar bear.
EM: And then you tried to mail me there!
L: I don't think you have enough fat to last in a frozen tundra. But just enough to be tasty to a polar bear.
EM: Do we need a secret handshake?
L: We don't have hands!
EM: Oh, right.
L: {sticking out her tongue} This is way more complicated than I expected.

MK: To be fair, you should know better by now. Ellie is ...
L: Ellie?
EM: If we're going to be besties, we should have a sleepover. We can braid each others' fur.
L: We don't have opposable thumbs. We can't braid stuff.
EM: So you mean I haven't missed out on not having friends to braid fur with?
L: {sigh}
EM: We can do facials! I have a ton of Halloween masks!
L: That's not what a mask is when referring to a facial!
MK: And we can do mani/pedis!
EM: That's just a fancy way of saying you'll clip our claws.
L: If we do a sleepover, you can't talk about Woodrow the whole time.
EM: But that's what sleepovers and besties are for! To talk about boys we like!
L: If I have to hear about how dreamy Woodrow is one more time ....
EM: If I can't talk about Woodrow, the sleepover is off! 

L: Darn. I'm going to miss out.
MK: Latte, you should know your sisfur doesn't understand sarcasm.
L: She's not THAT du ...
EM: HA! Take that! That's what you get for saying I can't talk about Woodrow! Feel the burn!
L: I stand corrected.
EM: I'll talk to MYSELF about Woodrow!
L: Can I get that in writing?
EM: You know what? I don't WANT to be your bestie!
L: Fine.
EM: FINE! You know where you can shove your hatchet!
EM: I meant that FIGURATIVELY! See? I'm smart! I can use fancy pants words! YOU can meet the forical!
L: {sigh}
MK: Oh, geez. In this house, when the train comes off the rails ... it lands on another continent.

© 2023 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Written and Published by Katherine Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2023. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact 

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  1. Replies
    1. Sometimes I wish I had a boy ... but if Bear is representative of his gender, I'm not sure I could handle that!

  2. Sounds like the metaphorical hatchet won't get buried after all. Hope you all had a great Christmas.

    1. Perhaps we should bury the toothbrushes Momma got us? ~Ellie Mae

  3. I got tickled! I have to say I am always on Ellie's side though...

  4. da tabbies o trout towneDecember 26, 2023 at 8:06 AM

    hay ewe galz…may bee de dood in red witha beerd iz late gettin two yur houz
    sure canned goodz iz grate, but we agreez….tooth bruzheZ, well….
    BAD MK..‼️‼️

    1. I think Ellie is planning on burying the toothbrushes in our litter box! ~Latte

  5. Things are definitely way more complicated with humans than with cats. Mrs H will say otherwise, I am sure. Closets are, after all, only good for laying in, sleeping in, or storing comestibles :) And why have doors on them? A good shelf ruined if you ask me. OL
    Have a lovely quiet family festival, no matter how you celebrate.
    PS Nip flavour toothpaste is the way to go!

    1. Apparently hatchet murderers don't like closets? ~Ellie Mae

  6. MOL MOL MOL Ellie is reigning queen an all should follow her lead and be happy she lets everyone live in her home.
    Hugs and Merry Christmas

  7. Snicker, snicker. You guys crack me up. 🐈 🐈‍⬛

  8. I think you can forget the hatchet and just be friends...and loving sisters!

    1. Erm ... no. I'll be nice to her when she's nice to me! ~Ellie Mae

  9. AMARULA: TOOTHBRUSHES! Toothbrishes for Christmas! I hope your human got nothing but coal in her stockings!

    1. I think this is why our humans don't use Christmas stockings ... ~Latte

  10. Ellie ~ you are too much ~ lol ~ hugs, Tooth brushes for Xmas ~ yuk! lol

    Wishing you good health, laughter and love in your days
    A ShutterBug Explores,
    aka (A Creative Harbor)

    1. You're not making fun of my weight by saying I'm too much, right? That's like my personality you're referring to? Just making sure. ~Ellie Mae

  11. Toothbrushes for Christmas. What is wrong with Santa?

  12. Dang. That hatchet sure causes a lot of problems. Maybe the tooth fairy knocked off Santa with a hatchet, because toothbrushes for Christmas???

  13. Toothbrushes? No thanks. Hope you had a good Christmas xx

  14. I'm glad I didn't get any toothbrushes for Christmas! ~Ernie

  15. Dreamy Woodrow says hi to Ellie Mae!


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