Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Giant tunas, the new year, and subjective objectivity

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Momma! Momma! I'm glad you're up! Did you know the first fish auction of the year happened in Tokyo ... and someone paid $3.1 million for a 613 lb bluefin tuna!!! I didn't know tunas could get so big! Momma, I want a really big tuna! Something modest in comparison ... like maybe in the 200 lb range ...
MK: I don't have that kind of money!
BC: A tuna that size would show you what's UP! Hard to believe in your current state of largeness ... but a 200 lb tuna might ...
EM: But ... but ... it would only be like a million dollars!
MK: As I was saying, I don't have that kind of money!
BC: Four ... three ... two ...
EM: PIZZA!
MK: Bear, New Year's Eve and the countdown was last night. Remember?
BC: Phht. I wish I DIDN'T remember! Like I could miss all the psychos with nothing better to do than set off fireworks.
EM: What do you have against fireworks?
BC: I saw you running around like you were being chased by lions.
EM: I was being chased by lions! It was scary! They were trying to eat me! I don't want to be eaten!

BC: Are you sure it wasn't gas?
{Pause as Ellie thinks}
EM: Or it seemed like it ... same difference!
BC: You seem like a moron. Therefore, I guess you are ... since it's the same difference.
The Boy: I think you missed your calling as a lawyer.
BC: I have all the fireworks I need RIGHT HERE. Explosive personality, tabby colors, claws, fangs ... what's not to ooh and ah at?
MK: Bear? Why were you counting down?
BC: I was trying to be dramatic ...
MK: At least you admit it ...
BC: In introducing ...
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Gather 'round kiddies.
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: What's going on?
{Ellie looks around wondering if she's included}
BC: I have new year's resolutions ...
The Boy: Be less cantankerous and grumpy? Retiring the shark? NO! How about less biting?
BC: Whoa. Maybe it's contagious.
The Boy: What?
BC: I'll add that to your resolutions. I didn't know you had a problem with biting ... don't even THINK about biting me! Let me add that to your list of resolutions ... L - e - s - s. b - i-t - i - n - g ... though I have to admit ... what's the fun in life if not for biting? More biting equals more fun, right?
The Boy: MY resolutions? Resolutions are about changes someone wants to make in the new year.
BC: I know! But resolutions are for chumps that will never be perfect. I'm already perfect. OBVIOUSLY.
The Boy: Oh, for Pete's sake!
BC: Who's Pete? Does he need resolutions? Because I'm getting good at making them up for other people.
The Boy: That's not how it ...
BC: Who better to make your resolutions than me?! I know how you all can improve! I live with you! Besides, I feel left out of the whole resolution thing because - I mean, like how could I improve? I'm PERFECT!
EM: Phht. Where do I ...
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: WHAT?!? Someone should tell him!!!

MK: It won't help!
BC: Tell me what? That I'm perfect? ALREADY KNOW. That I have handsome stripe-y pants? ALREADY KNOW. 
EM: Now wait a minute ...
MK: Believe me ... it can get worse.
{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: Wait a ... do we own a tasty whole chicken farm? Or a bazooka? Because it's about time if that's the secret! TELL ME! TELL ME!!! Do we have a tasty whole chicken farm? A tank? A bazooka?
EM: He DID include me in the resolutions ... I mean, that's something right?
The Boy: Not when being included means not being perfect like Mr. Perfect over there.
BC: Phht. That's GENERAL Perfect to you.
The Boy: I have plenty of things to call you.
BC: His Royal Catness of Beardom?
The Boy: Try again.
BC: Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest?
The Boy: Not quite.
BC: OH! I know this one! THE SHARK!
The Boy: While true ... I was thinking something with a couple more exclamation points and some cursing.
BC: The mother-meowing bomb?
The Boy: I knew it was wrong to go there with you.
BC: Does this mean we're married?
The Boy: EXCUSE me?
BC: Where you went with me!
The Boy: Not quite where I'd LIKE to take you.
BC: OH! A tasty whole chicken farm! Momma! Momma! The Boy's taking me to a tasty whole chicken farm!!!
EM: Are you really just THAT oblivious?
BC: My star shines brightly ... it kind of blinds everything else.
The Boy: That explains a lot.
EM: I think Momma's an ... err ... what's the word ... enabler?
BC: Phht. I don't need anyone to ENABLE me! I come fully enabled ... though I always appreciate encouragement. On that note ... here are the things you can improve, Momma.
MK: Oh, for the love ...
BC: SEE?!?


EM: What's it say? What's it say? Let me see! Let me see!!!
{Bear shows the sheet to Ellie}
EM: Mmm hmmm ... singing ... quit embarrassing ... DEFINITELY! mmm hmmm ... dancing ... HEY!  Get rid of me?!?  Why? I'm a NICE cat!
BC: A little dippy ... but mostly harmless.
EM: OH, YEAH! No clipping claws and no "It's a kitty," squealing nonsense! This is actually a pretty good list, Momma! Well, except for getting rid of me.
{Bear snickers}
MK: Great. Thanks. It's nice to know I'm loved.
EM: You ARE! But I mean, you can always be better ...
BC: See? That's the spirit! Here's yours, Smellie.
{Ellie reads it over}
EM: Really?!? I mean ... REALLY? A skunk? Selling me?
{Ellie looks to The Boy} 


The Boy: Yellie ... no wait ... Smellie Bellie... no wait ...
EM: TRAITOR! 
The Boy: I didn't mean to, I swear!
EM: Which time?
The Boy: All of them! I'm just used to what everyone else calls you!
{The Boy looks at Bear's face devoid of any amusement and shrugs}
EM: Stop saying everything is the bestest thing ever? But what if it IS the bestest thing ever? Like Momma?
BC: You're right.
EM: I AM?
BC: Right about what to do when it is the bestest thing ever. "Stop saying everything is the bestest thing ever, except when referring to Bear."
EM: WHY WOULD I SAY THAT IN RELATION TO ... Really. I mean ... REALLY!!! {Looking to The Boy} What's wrong with him?
BC: If you have to ask ...
The Boy: {to Ellie} I don't think I should answer that. Don't look at me! I don't know! Look at your Momma!
BC: NOOOOOOO! You'll turn to stone! Her hair's all up there in that ... that ... impersonation of a woolly mammoth.
MK: I JUST GOT OUT OF BED!
EM: But you're NOT the bestest thing ever, Bear!
BC: Tell it to the judge.
EM: Who's that?
BC: ME!
EM: That doesn't seem entirely fair ...
BC: I'm a cat! I don't do "fair!" just like I don't do nice! SUBJECTIVE OBJECTIVITY I call it.
{Silence}
BC: FINALLY! Yellie shut up! Miss "Just got out of bed" ... Do you know what time it is?
EM: Three hours since Bear stuck his wet nose in your ear!
BC: HEY! You were side surfing!
EM: You knocked me off!
BC: That's not all I'll knock unless you SHUT UP.
EM: Make me!
BC: My pleasure!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: What? I didn't do anything.

MK: Yet.
BC: Yet.
{Pause}
MK: Don't even think about it.
BC: Shut up, Smellie!
EM: I didn't say anything!
BC: I know. It was preemptive.
EM: Stop bossing me around!
BC: Then stop bossing ME around!
EM: What?!?
BC: Saying, "Stop bossing me around!" is bossing me around!
{Silence}
MK: Hmmm ... he's got a point.
BC: Phht. Actually, I have twenty-two points ...
MK: Yes, yes. We know. How could we forget?
BC: It's not your fault you all are stupid!
EM: How nice of you.
MK: SEE?! The list of resolutions isn't so great when it's about you!
BC: Phht. Nice?! I think not. I just tell the truth.
The Boy: {Picking Bear up so they can talk} We need to have a man conference!
BC: But there aren't any men here except for me! I can't have a conference with myself!
The Boy: HEY NOW! 
BC: Do you want your list of resolutions?
The Boy: No.
BC: Too bad. You're taking it! 
The Boy: No.
BC: There's a resolution on this list that addresses this very issue! Just take your list! NO TOUCHING!
The Boy: You love me, BuddyBear ... right?
BC: That's another thing on the list!
The Boy: Is it really that bad?
BC: YES! PUT. ME. DOWN!


The Boy: Wear pants? I always wear pants!
BC: Oops. That should've been on Momma's list.
MK: WHAT?!?! I wear pants! Err ... or what passes for pants.
{Pause}
MK: WHAT?!?! I do!
The Boy: "Refrain from talking to, touching, or otherwise acknowledging Bear - except when eating Cheez-its." Good grief.
BC: You're not eating Cheez-its. That resolution didn't last very long.
The Boy: You like playing whacky-paws with me.
BC: My whacky-paws are meant to kill.
The Boy: Cats. Who can figure them out?
BC: WOMEN! Who can figure them out!?
The Boy: AMEN to THAT! Err ... not you, honey. I don't really understand you ... but ...
MK: Maybe we ALL should strive for more understanding this year.
BC: {turning around and lifting up his tail} UNDERSTAND THIS!
{Ellie snickers and Momma and The Boy shake their heads}
MK: How ... err ... Bear-ish of you.
The Boy: That's not what I'd call it.
BC: Good thing what you say doesn't matter.
The Boy: HEY! You don't listen to your Momma either.
BC: Well, yeah. OBVIOUSLY. But there's a difference. When it's Momma talking, I let the words float into my head and I choose to ignore them. With you and Yellie, I just ignore the sound all together.
The Boy: I JUST CAN'T WIN!
BC: DING! DING! DING! It only took you TWO YEARS to figure that out! Good job! Great start to the new year!

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37 comments:

  1. When will we get a status report on keeping all of those resolutions Bear?

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    1. THEY FAILED! They're FIRED. Err ... or something like that. ~Bear Cat

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  2. Those are some good resolutions. Wonder how many you all will keep. Just enjoy life which you do anyway.

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    1. I'd enjoy life much more if they worked on their resolutions! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Those are interesting resolutions ! Purrs

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  4. guyz...we hurd bout that toona N waz sad bee yond bee leef we couldna nab it for R selvez !!

    yur rez oh lewshunz iz grate.... well, sorta kinda dee pendin on whooz reedin whooz list ☺☺♥♥♥☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

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    Replies
    1. It seems that at over 600 pounds, they could find a way to share!

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  5. Interesting resolutions for everyone, Bear, but who is going to write out yours?

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    1. Bear said "Mine? I don't need resolutions. Those are for those that are not already perfect." I reminded him that believing oneself to be perfect could be a sign of delusion. He bit me.

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    2. I don't know how many of us are that brave to write resolutions for Bear!

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  6. We think a future post should be your family's resolutions for you, Bear!

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    Replies
    1. We've considered it ... I don't know how many of us are that brave!

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  7. Ha ha, well, now if only everyone could figure out that they just can't win with you, Bear! :)

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    1. Don't tell anyone ... but I think the entire thing is rigged ;) ~Ellie Mae

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  8. AMARULA: Bear once again you underscore your kind, wonderful, giving spirit by providing everyone with a resolution list!! If only you were in charge of Frodo and Zulus!!

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    1. I trust you're up to that job, Amarula! Actually ... I'd really enjoy reading that! ~Bear Cat

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  9. I swear , Mom said if she had a million dollars or pounds os something, she'd give a quarter of it to you, BC and EM for all the delight you give her...and me as well. She could use a smile and she sure gets one here and Ellie..those resolutions that say they are supposed to be yours...um...someone, not saying who, was naughty!

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    Replies
    1. Feedback like yours is why we do this. Brightening a day ... getting a smile ... Bear's given me all that and more. And friends like you are priceless.

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  10. Hmmm..something is missing- Bear's resolutions: 1. Be nice to Momma 2. Be nice to Ellie and stop calling her Smellie 3. Be nice to The Boy 4. East a tasty whole chicken daily. :)

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    1. Even The Boy's accidentally called her Smellie! Hahahahahahaha. ~Bear Cat

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  11. I have to say I have kept all of my resolutions ;) Mrs H has kept all her new years resolutions–thus far, and HAS lost weight and become a full time veggie, too, as meat actually poisons humans with various diseases. I whole heartedly support this resolution and have even cut back on eating mice in front of her and leaving the left overs for her so as to not cause too much temptation. MOL
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. My humans need to lose weight too! They've been talking about it - which is about as far as it will go considering how many pizzas and snacks they've brought home in the past week! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Umm, that's quite the list of resolutions. You know Bear, resolutions don't usually work. You need goals and a plan to get things accomplished.

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    1. My goal is to live with my sister for another year without making Momma mad because I kill her. Like that? ~Bear Cat

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  13. We didn't think of making resolutions for Mommy!We have some ideas, though. Is it too late?

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  14. Ellie, i gotta agree.. being eaten by lions = no fun.

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  15. Dang. It's tough making up resolutions for everyone else, huh Bear?

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  16. "Resolutions are for chumps who will never be perfect." MOL. Very wise words BC! XOXO, Rosie

    P.S.: Happy 2019!

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    Replies
    1. They're human. It's not really their fault. Much. ~Bear Cat

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  17. Bear, I think when the boy said less biting, he meant you, not him. :) Ellie, the kitties here are with you all the way about the big tuna! Annie has one resolution for me: give her more treats! Ellie, I love your expression when reading Bear's resolutions for you.

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  18. Oh Bear, we're not so sure all those resolutions are good ones. You know, our mommy oesn't wear pants in the summer. We don't really care to tell ya' the truth. So we're not sure why that even matters. After all, the less time she spends gettin' all purrtied up means the more time she has fur us. Good luck with your resolutions. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Hmm ... that gives me something to think about ... ~Bear Cat

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