Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Not my circus, but yes, they are my monkeys

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Here she comes! Here she comes! Ask her yourself!
EM: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Act natural!
BC: Don't SHHHHH ME! I already said we should be quiet ...
EM: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: STOP SHHHHHHHHH!ing me!
EM: Do de do ... nice day for a stroll, huh, Momma?
BC: Yeah. NATURAL.
MK: {walking into the room} What's going on here?
BC and EM: NOTHING!
BC: She did it!
EM: HE did it!
MK: Who did what?
BC: If you've noticed anything wrong, she did it.
EM: No. YOU did it.
MK: You two have been thicker than thieves and mysterious for hours. Every time I walk in, you two stop talking!
BC: {whispering to Ellie} Ask her!
EM: Momma? Did you get me from the circus geek show?

BC: {giggling} WHOOP. There it is! If you have to ask ...
MK: WHAT?! Why would you ...
BC: {running off} BYE!
{Pause}
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: {thinking to himself} My full name ... I'm screwed! Heck. It was worth it!
MK: BEAR?
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: You didn't tell Ellie we got her from the circus geek show?
BC: NO! Of course not! Circus geek show? What is THAT anyway? I told her you got her from the circus FREAK show!
MK: And that's any better?
EM: YEAH!
BC: I'm not home!
MK: Then why are you responding to me as if you are?
{Silence}
EM: Maybe he's really not home.
MK: Ellie, he can't get out without help.
EM: Oh. Right. And you haven't let him out for what reason?
MK: I'm tempted. Believe me.
BC: I heard that!
MK: I thought you weren't home!
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE CAT UNDER THE BED! The cat under the bed is not Bear Cat. Bear Cat has stepped out for a few minutes.
EM: SEE?!?! He's not here!
MK: Oh. BELIEVE ME. He's here!
EM: Are you sure? 
{Pause as Ellie thinks}
EM: Momma's going to beat you up for messing with me!
MK: Ellie, let me take care of ...
EM: WHAT?!? He's told me all kinds of lies! Like that you sleep upside down in your closet! Or the time he told me I was adopted! Or when he told me I could swim in the toilet because I'm a dolphin!

BC: That was CLASSIC! Hehehehehe. If only I had a camera ...
EM: I HATE GETTING WET!
BC: That was your first clue! Getting wet doesn't like you either. You looked like a mangy dog.
MK: BEAR! 
EM: Or when he said I was adopted by aliens before I came here. 
BC: NOT my best work. 
EM: And ... and ... most of the stuff he tells me ends up not being true!
BC: A smart cat just wouldn't believe anything I say.
EM: I'm confused. So are you telling me not to believe anything you say or are you lying about a smart cat not believing anything you say?
MK: I need something for this headache.
BC: I keep telling you to get rid of her! But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MK: I wasn't talking about your sister! My head actually hurts!
BC: Phht. Now you understand what it's like for me to have a sister!
EM: I'm a nice cat! You're the one that's mean and picks on me!
BC: Because I love you.
EM: Awww. You LOVE me? I love you, too, Bear! I've been waiting for this day for years! This is the best day ...
BC: Err ... I meant I love to pick on you.
EM: {looking dejected} Oh.
{Pause}
EM: At least I have my scratcher!
MK: And a Momma and Daddy who love you.
EM: Daddy doesn't chase me any more! I run from him but he doesn't even TRY!
BC: To be more precise ... you waddle. Stupid girls playing hard to get.
EM: SHUT UP!
BC: YOU shut up!
EM: You act like you know everything - but you're just stupid.
BC: Not as stupid as you!
EM: SEE?!? All you can do is repeat what I say! You can't come up with an insult of your own!
BC: You have two parts of your brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
EM: I should've seen that coming. 
BC: Phht. You prove my point. The WORLD should see you coming! Waddle waddle waddle.
EM: I love my scratcher! My scratcher is the best thing ever. SCREW YOU! You can't have my scratcher!
BC: Like I'd want your scratcher ... OVER MY DEAD BODY!
EM: Don't tempt me. The scratcher helps me finely hone my particular set of skills.
BC: Being annoying?
EM: YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT THAT!
BC: Shut up! I might be annoying, but I can wake up tomorrow and NOT be annoying.
EM: This I HAVE to see!
MK: I swear. This might not be MY circus, but they are MY monkeys.
BC: HA! SEE?! I TOLD you you were part of the circus! {AHEM}
{Pause}
BC: Be prepared to be AMAZED! Today only! Smellie and the FLYING monkeys!
EM: Monkeys don't fly, stupid. Even I know that.
BC: They can with help! Would you like me to demonstrate?
MK: Bear ...
EM: MONKEYS ... as in plural! If I'm a monkey, so are you!
BC: Well, I was trying to be polite and not mention it ... but The Boy is part of the circus too.
EM: I'm NOT listening to you! 
BC: I NEVER listen to you! Then again, I never really listen to anyone ... but myself, which gets me into considerable trouble.
EM: {AHEM}. This is my scratcher. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My scratcher is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my scratcher is useless. Without my scratcher, I am useless.
BC: HA! You finally admit it! You're use ...
EM: I must scratch my scratcher true. I must scratch more than ...
BC: Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me! I don't need a stupid scratcher ... I have the couch! I can't even listen to this nonsense anymore!
{Bear runs off}
EM: I must scratch my scratcher true. I must scratch more than my brother who is scratching the couch.
BC: {scratch} {scratch} {sc ...} {Bear stops ...}
{Pause while Bear jumps in the cat condo}
BC: WHAT?!? I didn't do it!

{Ellie scratches so fiercely the she breaks a piece off the corner of the scratcher}
EM: Oops. Sometimes I love my scratcher TOO much.

{Pause as Ellie thinks ...}

EM: Momma! Bear broke off a piece of my scratcher!
BC: WHAT?!? I'm all the way across the room!
EM: MOMMA! Bear's being mean!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't be caught dead using a scratcher. That's what the couch is for. I was all the way across the room!
EM: MOMMA! You wouldn't believe what Bear did!
BC: I didn't do it! 
MK: Well, since you always say that ... even when you're guilty ...
BC: No, really! This time I was framed! You know me! I wouldn't be caught dead around a scratcher ... well, unless catnip was involved. Ellie broke her own scratcher and tried to get me in trouble!
MK: Isn't that what you'd say even if you did it?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: NO!
{Pause}
BC: You're trying to trick me! I'VE BEEN SCREWED!!!
MK: Did you break Ellie's scratcher on purpose? Let's sit down and work this out ...
{Pause as Momma sits down without looking at where she's sitting}
{CRACK!!}
MK: What the ...
EM: {GASP} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MK: Uh oh.
EM: YOU SAT ON IT AND BROKE IT! YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY SCRATCHER EVER AGAIN! You aren't allowed to touch me ever again! I HATE YOU! Well, AFTER my lap time.

MK: CRAPULOUS tulip testicles! 
BC: You said it! Not me! Good job, Momma. Break the poor girl's most treasured toy. What's next? Running over puppies in reverse after hitting them the first time? WIDE LOAD! Hahahahaha. See? I told you she had a doughnut butt.
EM: But her butt doesn't taste like doughnuts!
BC: {sigh} I don't even want to know how you know that. Kids these days. Let me guess ... you identify as an idiot. 
EM: Momma! Bear just called you an idiot!
BC: Ummm ... while true ... she feeds me so I pretend she's not nearly as stupid as she looks. YOU on the other hand ...
EM: Momma's butt isn't made of doughnuts!
BC: I DIDN'T MEAN A LITERAL DOUGHNUT BUTT! I meant a butt as a result of eating too many doughnuts. Hello! A village and their idiot has been separated!
MK: There's no such thing as too many doughnuts.
BC: From the mouth of babes.
MK: I didn't mean to, I promise!
BC: HA! Smellie, that's what you get for trying to get me in trouble!
MK: Can't you be quiet for a couple minutes while I try to glue stick the piece back on?
BC: Phht. Listen to you? I hear through my own special filter.
EM: Filter of BS?
BC: HEY! My filter hears A, C, D, E, F, G ... and so on and so on. Momma said crapulous!
MK: Not in the literal sense. I was just using a variation of crap without thinking about it.
BC: That's not the same meaning!
MK: I know!
BC: Phht. Thinking isn't exactly high on the list of priorities for you is it? Let's play a game! You say something and I'll tell you what I hear!
EM: But what about my scratcher?
MK: Okay okay. Bear, do we really have to do this right now?
BC: Try it, Momma!
MK: "BEAR! Stop scratching the couch!"
EM: OH! That's a good one!
BC: "You work too hard to maintain the proper decor around here. And I don't thank you enough." Do another one!
MK: "Bear! I'm trying to sleep."
BC: "Thank you for waking me! I laid down because I was hoping you'd come for some lovin's - because why else would I lay in bed for eight hours? Give me another one!"
MK: "Get off the counter!"
BC: "I dare you to move me!"
EM: THAT'S the truth! He's even got the body language right.
BC: Phht. Like you could understand ANY language ... much less BODY language.
EM: I have to deal with your farts!
BC: Touche. Now SHUT UP!
MK: LEAVE YOUR SISTER ALONE!
BC: "You're trying to kill your sister in an unauthorized manner."
MK: NO! I'm telling you to leave your sister alone!
BC: And I'm repeating what I heard!
MK: Why AREN'T I surprised?
BC: Because you're not quite as dumb as Smellie looks.
EM: HEY!
MK: Oh. And this one from the other night. "BEAR! Get back inside NOW!"
BC: Phht. Easy. "Come back when you feel like it! Carouse, eat grass, do cat stuff, the door will always be open to let you back in."
MK: Okay okay.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: {looking around in confusion} Ummm ... I love you too?
BC: "My life would be a cesspool of ignorance without your guidance. Now that I know what a "real" cat is, I'll never be satisfied with less."
{Pause}
BC: AHEM! ... Smellie!
MK: I don't know about a "real" cat but you have me on the cesspool. 
BC: Not so bad for b's and s's right?

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44 comments:

  1. Humans, say one thing, mean another, and do something else then wonder why the world is in such a mess. Give them all doughnuts a cup of tea and let us cats run the show Mol
    Toodle pips and selective hearing purrs
    Erin

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  2. Hey Bear, there are tasty whole chickens in the center ring pal!

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    Replies
    1. WHAT?! Do you think Momma would sell me to the circus? ~Bear Cat

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  3. You get me so confused, Bear, but I had to give up at:
    "MK: There's no such thing as too many doughnuts", because there is no confusion about that.

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  4. I'm lost too, but Ellie Mae is too cute!

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  5. guyz...we iz wunderin....if ther iz ever like may bee even 10 minitz....
    when ewe both get along !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

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    Replies
    1. In the evening, they usually pass each other either in the hall or in the living room and at that point they seem to be vaguely aware of each other without trying to kill one another. If that is called getting along, then they do.

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  6. Ellie, you are the sweetest girl. Your brofur is impossible, but very clever. He's very hard to outmaneuver, mostly because he changes the rules at a whisker's twitch.

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    Replies
    1. Bear just said "I can change the rules? Well.....of course I can, they are my rules, after all."

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    2. If anyone can do it, his sister sure can. She's gotten his goat more than once - and she makes it look like an accident. That's true genius!

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  7. Ellie, Mudpie has been known to break pieces off of a scratcher or two herself!

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  8. Aww...siblings...can't live with 'em...can't live with 'em. 😸

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  9. Ellie, Lexy loves her scratcher as much as you do. She didn't have one for a while, and now that she has it back she's been siting on it non stop! And P.s. you could NEVER come from a circus geek show.

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  10. You guys crack me up! Bear, Ninja makes a good post...hes a nice cat but I have met chairs with a better understanding...I think I shall use some of your insults on him!
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. Good luck. You can never trust those black cats ... I mean, Ellie couldn't even get the insult I visited upon her right! ~Bear Cat

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  11. OMG...the chatter between Bear and Ellie was hilarious. You've got quite the imagination. I loved it and laughed my fool head off.

    Jean

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  12. Uh, we are with your mom, there are never too many donuts, never ever.

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  13. Ellie Mae, you gotta just ignore Bear and do your own thing. :)

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    Replies
    1. I should! Zoey seems to have it all figured out! ~Ellie Mae

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  14. I love the title of this, too funny :) They are definitely your monkeys.

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  15. You two totally keep the house and all the inhabitants jumping! And I think I hear echoes of certain arguments that occurred right here at my house! That's why I smile so much listening to YOU TWO~ And the household does indeed run on you all's say so. That's the way of the Cat. Once we get a toesie hold in the house, it becomes a loving home and things run according to our needs and demands...which we always demand sweetly with lovins and headbonks as our mom's reward for serving us.

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  16. That Bear Cat can be very naughty sometimes! It's a good job he's cute. Take no notice of him, Ellie Mae. I'm sure you'll get your own back one day.

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  17. OMG, your momma broke your scratcher?!? You know what that means, a new one is surely on the way! Maybe you should get her to break more things! That looks like a cool new product from Cat Amazing.

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    Replies
    1. NEW ONE?!? Maybe she should break it more often! ~Ellie Mae

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  18. Both Amarula and The Human agree that but you have me on the cesspool--has to be one of the funniest lines they have come across in a long time!!

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  19. You two are so funny. We think you should have a TV show!
    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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    Replies
    1. We'd love that! We'd get stars on the Walk of Fame and everything! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Oh Ellie, we're so sorry 'bout your scratcher. Mommy breaks our toys all the time and she never gets to eat donuts. Altho' her eyes get really big when ya'll talk 'bout 'em. She totally agrees one can never have too many. Bear, we think you may have scratched the couch till there's nuffin' really left to scratch. Maybe it's time you thought 'bout usin' a scratcher too. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Momma's trying to work with a scratcher company ... we'll see ;)

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  21. Bear, can you tell my mom to get my scratchy boxes out of hiding? She put them away for some reason, so now all I have is my scratchy posts. Well, I didn't really scratch on my scratchy boxes, but did enjoy lounging on them and playing toys on them. I sure hope your scratchy boxes wound gets fixed. If not, look on the bright side - you may just get a new one out of the deal! Tee hee hee. Winky winks.

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    Replies
    1. See ... Ellie isn't picky ... but I always prefer the couch! ~Bear Cat

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