Tuesday, April 23, 2019

The secret in Momma's closet

The water is still running from the broken bathtub faucet because the landlord wants it fixed her way ... and nerves are frayed.  If you missed the start of the water calamity, you may read about it in Crazy 'R Us! We expect the resolution to the debacle will be posted Friday. Do the cats ever stop fighting? How about the humans? And will Momma and The Boy ever get a shower again? Plus, what is the secret in Momma's closet?!? Are you sure you want to know?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

The Boy: {walking in the front door} I'm home!
EM: You're just a jerk!
The Boy: WHAT?!? That's got to be some kind of record. I just walk in and people are mad. What'd I do this time?
BC: Well, I don't like you either you jumbo-sized kiss up!
EM: And you're a jumbo-sized jerk face!
BC: I'd rather be a jerk face than have your face!
EM: I've had it! I tried to be nice! But that was the last straw! Especially because you barfed on my scratcher again!
BC: I regret that I have but one hairball to barf on your scratcher. Well, at least for today.
The Boy: {looking around} Ah. Not about me. Where's Kat?
BC: You tried to be nice? You know what would be nice? If you BUZZED OFF!
EM: I'll buzz your ...
BC: I'm Momma's handsome stripe-y pants!
EM: Your stripe-y pants make your butt look big!
BC: You're just jealous!
EM: I'm Momma's precious princess!
BC: Don't you dare! This house already has a princess! Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest to be exact.

EM: But Momma never calls you that, does she?
{Silence}
The Boy: WHERE'S YOUR MOMMA?
EM: Where's YOUR Momma?
The Boy: NO! Where's Kat?
EM: Umm ... duh! We're right here!
The Boy: The MOMMA Kat!
EM: Is that some kind of joke because we're kind of busy!
The Boy: I just got home from work and I'm wondering where your Momma is.
EM: You were gone?!?! 
The Boy: I go to work every weekday at the same time and come home at the same time!
BC: Is "work" a euphemism for something?
EM: Don't you femism my Daddy! Femism yourself!
BC: EU-PHE-MISM.
EM: I'm a femism? I'M. A. FEMISM?!? YOU'RE A FEMISM!
The Boy: NO! It's not a femism ... oh, for pete's sake ... it's not a euphemism! I have a job!
EM: I thought being a not-the-momma was your job!
The Boy: Where do you think I am all day?
BC: Tending to the tasty whole chickens?
EM: Don't be ridiculous. Momma wouldn't trust him with her chickens. She doesn't even trust him to take care of us.

BC: So Momma DOES have chickens?!
The Boy: I ...
EM: "I?" You're a chicken? 
BC: Talk about an ugly bird.
EM: Cluck for us! Please!
BC: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
EM: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!
The Boy: Okay. That's enough. You two are both in a mood. I hate when you get like this.
BC: At least we only have moods vs. your personality. Moods can change.
The Boy: Now, where is your Momma?
BC: If you want to know, you have to cluck.
The Boy: {sigh} I'm sure she'll show up eventually. Have you two been fighting like this all day?
EM: Well, I found a potato chip under the couch when my sparkle ball got stuck ... and I played a lot of sparkle ball.
BC: You're going to regret this.

The Boy: I already do.
EM: I started playing with my green sparkle ball because it brings out the green of my eyes. But it got up in my face so I played with the red one because it's my biggest sparkle ball. That's when I found the potato chip ... and some kind of crunchy circle ...
The Boy: Cheer-i ...
EM: Whatever. 
BC: She'll eat anything! And she says MY butt is big!
EM: Anyway! The red sparkle ball fled under the couch and I couldn't reach it! I howled out in agony and the injustice of the situation. So Momma got it out for me, but I was too mad to play with the red sparkle ball again so I played with the blue one because that one listens to me.

BC: No one else does ...
EM: But then it copped an attitude so I got it stuck really far under the couch to cool off. 
The Boy: Okay.
BC: This is the best part ...
EM: But then I felt bad leaving him there with my yellow sparkle ball that was still in time out under the couch ...
The Boy: Sounds like an exciting day. Where's your Momma?
BC: MY Momma is around here somewhere.
EM: Phht. MY Momma!
BC: My Momma loves me best!
EM: Yeah, right. Momma loves ME best!
BC: You're annoying.
EM: You're a jerk!
The Boy: Huh. I think I know where she is.
BC: Tell her it's time to feed us.

EM: Well, technically, it's always time to feed us.
BC: As annoying as that comment is, it's also true.
The Boy: {opening the closet} Kat?
MK: {taking her ear plugs out} SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: What's going on?
MK: The bathtub faucet was on the entire day since the thingee broke and I don't know if it was the noise or the novelty of the situation but neither cat settled down for more than a few minutes today. I had Bear following me around like I'd lead him to tasty whole chickens and I had Ellie all up in my business when I tried to work. I got absolutely nothing done. And then the fighting started ...
BC: {from the other room} UP YOURS!
EM: {from the other room} It's not MY fault something crawled up your butt and died!
BC: That's it!
EM: Bring it!
The Boy: {looking around} Is there room for me?
MK: Want ear plugs?
The Boy: You're always prepared. You don't think the cats will decimate the house, do you?
MK: {holding out a can of soda and a candy bar} Soda? A snack?
The Boy: You brought these in when you knew you were going to be here for a while?
MK: Phht. No. I keep a supply in the closet for these situations.
The Boy: You think of everything.
MK: I've had Bear for twelve years. You get good at it. At least now, Ellie distracts him. It was tricky back when I had to disappear with just him.
The Boy: Whoa! You ARE stocked! We could survive in here for days!
MK: SHHHHHHHH!

BC: Where's Momma? And The Boy?
EM: I'm hungry!
BC: You're always hungry!
EM: And you're always stupid!
BC: Say that again TO MY FACE!
EM: AND. YOU. ARE. ALWAYS. STUPID!!!!!
BC: Those are some balls.
EM: Thank you! 
BC: No, see, I wasn't referring to your sparkle ba ... oh, NEVER MIND! Momma and The Boy have to be here somewhere!
EM: Maybe they're tending to their tasty whole chickens.
BC: {GASP} They ARE! I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! No one treats Bear Cat Kat like this!
EM: I thought you wanted to be called Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest?

BC: NOT NOW! We have bigger chickens to fry!
{Whispering between the cats}
EM: MOMMA! I'm standing on your keyboard! Uh oh! The screen just flashed to blue!

BC: I'm on the kitchen counter and I'm about to knock off The Boy's glass! And his lunch bag! OH! And here's his cell phone! 

The Boy: Bu ...
MK: {whispering} Be strong!
BC: I think the police would like to know we've been abandoned here all alone! And at meal time too! I'm calling 911.
EM: But you don't know the number!
BC: What?!?
EM: To 911!
BC: NINE-ONE-ONE!
EM: Oh!
{Pause}
EM: But remember, last time you called they told you never to call back or they'll fine Momma two hundred dollars and issue a nuisance ordinance ticket! She'll be really mad!
BC: It was your idea.

EM: NO! It wasn't!
BC: HEY! Last time, our food bowl was EMPTY! If that's not an emergency, I don't know what is!
EM: Phht. Children. What about when I need laps? Now THAT'S an emergency!
BC: SMELLIE! Did you just poop? IN. THE. LITTER. BOX?
EM: Unless you dumped toxic waste around here ...
BC: That's the wrong side of the litter box for a stinky poop!
EM: I can poop anywhere I want! In fact, I have a bit left! I'll just leave it in The Boy's shoe! HA!
The Boy: NO!
BC: AHA! They're in the closet!
EM: WHAT?! Behind the WALL?
BC: That's a door.
EM: To outside?
BC: So stupid ... it hurts! MAKE. IT. STOP.
EM: I'll give you something that hurts!
BC: MOMMA! We're HUNGRY!

MK: {to The Boy} This is YOUR fault!
The Boy: Well, how was I supposed to know they were just trying to get a reaction out of us?
MK: Umm ... maybe because your cell phone is in your pocket. 
The Boy: Oh.
MK: Light-weight.
BC: He's as non-light-weight as they come!
MK: Hahaha.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: What are you laughing at, doughnut butt?
The Boy: If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!
MK: Will you just shut up?
BC: {sarcastically} Have you two been fighting like this all day?
EM: Are you paying attention? DADDY WAS AT WORK! They couldn't have been fighting all day!
BC: IT'S CALLED SARCASM!
{Pause as the sound of an outbound call comes from the head-set} 
BC: Yes? I'd like to report an escaped mental patient!
{Pause as the call receiver talks}
BC: NO! I don't know any Bear Cat! But if I did, I bet he's a handsome devil!
{Pause as the call receiver talks}
MK: BEAR! Hang up or I'm going to kill you!!!
BC: Did you hear that?!? She's going to kill me! I miscounted. There are actually THREE deranged, escaped mental patients! HELP! HELP! I'm not going to live much longer! I feel the life springing from my chest!
{Click of hanging up}
BC: HELLO? HELLO? HOW RUDE! And I pay taxes just like every other chump in this ...

{Pause}
BC: Wait. I don't pay taxes. 

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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36 comments:

  1. Hmm, Bear, this cupboard/closet, does it also have 'facilities'? If not then things could get desperate for the inhabitants and they will need to come out. Now a naughty feline might pin them in there for a while with some heavy object, and do a deal to let them out.......
    Naughty Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! I could barricade them in there until they hand over the tasty whole chickens! And a bazooka! ~Bear Cat

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  2. So, it sounds like y'all were having a pretty good day just taking it easy MOL!

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  3. Yep, some days you just walk right into it without seeing it coming. Your landlord is not very bright. I hope she's paying for all this water. How hard is it to get a plumber out ??

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  4. The po-po have a limited sense of humor, I've discovered...*shrug*

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    Replies
    1. I know! They acted like it WASN'T an emergency! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Why do humans always ignore us when we're hungry? We have to cause a ruckus sometimes to get fed. Silly humans.

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  6. guyz....we iz glad dad final lee finded mom N we think sum mor investigatin kneadz done on what
    kinda "stored goods" yur mom doez have.....ya noe !! :) ♥♥☺☺

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    Replies
    1. Good point! Any ideas on how to get a closet open? ~Bear Cat

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  7. AMARULA: Bear! Can't you take care of the plumbing situation!? You're so clever--ask your sister to just hold her mouth open under the tap to see how much water she can catch!!

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    Replies
    1. I did tell Smellie that! And Momma ruined it and told Smellie she'd get wet! ~Bear Cat

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  8. I can't believe the Boy gave away their hiding place. Tricked by cats, really?! Is she hiding tasty whole chickens in there?

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  9. Hope you get your faucet fixed soon! You don't need more giving you a headache, Momma! MOL

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  10. What a good idea to hide in the closet. I might try that here when all these cats think they are hungry. Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hmm, I may have to find a similar bunker when my fur-kids turn up the volume on pester-cating. Nose nudges while typing produces some interesting words. Hope the sibling squabbles go back to slow simmer.

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  12. Oh Kittens, Things sure are innerestin' 'round your place. Mommy wants to know ifin she can come hang out in your mommy's closet fur a while too. She wants to know ifin there's donuts in there. MOL Have fun. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your Mommy's more than welcome ... and Momma promises doughnuts!

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  13. Sorry Ellie, but Bear is makes a pretty princess. I think cats sense our tension and it makes them tense too.

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    Replies
    1. That is true! Unfortunately, when Bear gets tense, it's not so great for the rest of us!

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  14. Oh dear me Bear...I send you vibes that I hope will lessen the tension and thus make for a happy house. PS you wear the Tiara with such grace and style
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! So many tiaras ... so little time! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Hiding in the closet, not sure that would work here. Woodrow and Olive like to sleep on my stuff in there. They'd surely find me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Drats! Bear only sleeps in the closet when we have people over. Scared the heck out of me because I couldn't find him until I pulled the clothes back!

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    2. Mom was about to wish she could call the police or something when she couldn't find Admiral once upon a time. She was sure Admiral somehow squeezed thru the door outside without mom seeing, It was hours later she happened to open her closet and out came Admiral. Mom was limp with relief.

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    3. What a scare! The last time The Boy and I came home from a trip - we couldn't find either cat anywhere. I was about two seconds away from a heart attack. I still have no idea where they were - but they showed up after like 15 minutes.

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  16. Ellie. I have to say I am surprised at your, um...observations and vocabulary. Perhaps your nearness to Bear's hoorays and huzzahs have taken root in your mind and they are there to be summoned at your will. In other words...whoa Nellie, girl! Bear, you make a most excellent Princess and your tiara is totes the bomb! The Boy...he should have backed out slowly and came back in several hours. MK..well, you had a solution.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bear rubs off on me ... and I doubt that's a good thing! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete

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