Ellie tries to text Woodrow

Ellie Mae might be incredibly sweet, but at times, we wonder if anyone is home in that beautiful head of hers. In our last post, we guessed what her text conversations with Kat would look like. This time, we're taking the more realistic approach, asking, could Ellie Mae learn to text if she were properly motivated? Her motivation to text,  in this case, is Ellie's crush, Woodrow, from Three Chatty Cats.





EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy lady cat] 
L: Latte [tortie/tabby lady cat aka "Kitten"] 
MK: Momma Kat [Latte and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance, Daddy to Latte and Ellie 




EM: Momma?! Can you help me?
MK: What's wrong?
EM: I want to text Woodrow!
MK: Why don't you call him?
EM: He might not have a phone!
{Silence}
L: If he doesn't have a phone, how can you ...
MK: Latte ... just leave it alone.
L: She doesn't even know how stupid she sounds!
EM: I don't sound stupid!
L: THANK YOU!
EM: You're welcome ... for being WRONG.


{Silence}
EM: And by texting, if Woodrow speaks Spanish, we can still talk by text.
L: Wait ... if he only speaks Spanish, he won't understand your texts ...
EM: Spanish is tricky. Bear taught me some words ...
MK: BEAR DIDN'T TEACH YOU ANY WORDS! No speak Englaish isn't Spanish!
EM: Spanish people might disagree.
MK: No. No one disagrees!
L: I don't disagree. But I know real Spanish. Loco gringa?
EM: You don't sound anything like Bear.


MK: THAT'S THE POINT!!! He didn't speak real Spanish!
EM: Why would someone speak fake Spanish? Does that mean there are fake Spanish people?
L: Just when I think you can't sound any stupider ... 
{Pause}
L: Maybe you two would be better off texting in pictures.
{Pause}
L: But don't worry. You and Woodrow speak the same language. 
EM: We DO have a lot in common! Everyone thinks we're dumb, our fursibs avoid us like the plague, we both like laps, and we LOVE food!
L: You both have tails.
EM: YEAH! That's a good one!
L: And ears.
EM: Well, yeah. Okay.


L: And mouths. And paws. And teeth.
EM: Are you making fun of me?
L: Of COURSE not!
EM: Phew! For a minute there, I thought I'd have to kick your behind.
L: I bet Woodrow can kick, too!
EM: THAT'S IT! You're just jealous you don't have a boyfriend. I can do sexting and you can't.
{Momma spits out her drink}
MK: ELLIE!
EM: What?
MK: You will not be sexting!
EM: I'm not allowed to text my boyfriend?
L: {whispering to Momma} I don't think she knows what sexting is! If she did, she'd know you don't "do" sexting. Sexting is a verb!
MK: Ellie, do you have Woodrow's phone number?
EM: I don't need his phone number because I'm not calling him!


L: To text .... oh, never mind.
MK: Does Woodrow know how to read?
EM: I don't think I like what you're implying about my boyfriend!
L: Yep. He's illiterate.
EM: You take that back! He doesn't eat litter!
L: What?
{Pause}
L: Oh. litter ate.
MK: Umm ... Ellie, can you read?
EM: Phht. I read this room just fine. Everyone is making fun of me and my boyfriend.
MK: Umm ... no, like words?
EM: OF COURSE I can read words! How else could we have a conversation if I didn't understand what you're saying!?
L: This isn't even worth it.
MK: Sexting is ... suggestive.
EM: Suggestive about what? Like Yelp?


L: About the birds and the bees!
EM: Why would people text about the birds and the bees?
L: That's a eu ...
EM: I'm what?
L: Euphemism!
EM: Leave my phemism out of this! What about YOUR phemism!?
L: You really need to work on your vocabulary!
EM: Well, you really need to work on your wide-load!
L: That's really mature. Boys like a little meat.
EM: Little meat? You're a whole flock of obese chickens!
L: I'm voluptuous!
EM: Whatever. How am I supposed to text about the birds and the bees when I know nothing about them? 
L: Truer words have never been spoken.
MK: Wait a minute ... Ellie, how did you learn about sexting?
EM: Latte said that's what women do with their boyfriends ...


L: @#*$%
MK: Oh, REALLY? Is that why there are texts on my phone of male cats with floofy tails suggestively posed?
L: I just read the articles!
EM: You better not have a picture of Woodrow looking like that!
L: Phht. His tail isn't floofy.
EM: There is nothing wrong with my boyfriend's ... err ... tail!
L: Do you and Daddy sext?
MK: NO!
EM: Yeah. That'd be gross.


MK: Why would it be gross?
EM: Because you're like related and stuff!
MK: Daddy and I aren't related!
EM: Well, you and he might not be from the same litter, but you live together! It'd be like if Bear and I did sexting! YECH!
The Boy: Hey! What are you guys talking about?
MK: Don't ask!
EM: Doing sexting!
{The Boy starts choking}
MK: Ellie, you shouldn't listen to any of Latte's advice about dating!
EM: Why?
MK: She's never had a boyfriend! And she can't sext because she doesn't have a phone!
L: Phht. The only cats who need cell phones are those that are needlessly dependent on their humans. I have dignity!
EM: Then why did you start a dating profile?



L: Shhh!
MK: Dating profile?
EM: Duh. I mean, how else did you get those pictures of boycats? She's been giving out your information on her dating profile!
MK: Everyone is grounded!
The Boy: HEY! Why am I in trouble?
MK: Fine. You're not grounded.
The Boy: Phew.
L: Daddy told me about sexting.



MK: WHAT?!?!?!?
The Boy: I did not!
MK: Daddy's grounded too!
The Boy: HEY! I didn't tell Latte about sexting!
L: You showed me the meme of a sexting cat! I asked Google what sexting is!
The Boy: @#$%
MK: Everyone is grounded! Ellie, give me your phone!
EM: But ... I need to practice typing! Without opposable thumbs, it takes me FOREVER to type into the phone!
L: You don't know how to spell!
EM: What does that have to do with anything?
MK: Are we even having the same conversation? Don't worry, Ellie. Woodrow can wait.
L: Because she's worth waiting for? Hahahahahahahahaha.
EM: Are you mocking me?



L: NO!
EM: Okay.
MK: I have a headache. 
The Boy: I'm hungry.
{Pause}
The Boy: For food ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Hello?
{Pause}
The Boy: How come everyone disappears when I join the conversation?
MK: {walking back in the room} Give me your phone.
The Boy: What? WHY?
MK: Because you're grounded too!
EM: Ummmm ... Daddy's in trouble!
L: This is gonna be good!


MK: Don't get too comfy watching Daddy squirm. The next thing I'm looking for is your dating profile.
L: Uh oh.
MK: {from the other room} Adventurous?!? Since WHEN!? Outgoing? Like when you hid behind the bathroom vanity?!? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
L: Not exactly the reaction I was going for ...
MK: LATTE PHOTOSHOPPED A PICTURE OF HERSELF TO APPEAR SLIMMER! Wait! She says she's 10 pounds! Hahahahahahahaha.
L: It's not a lie! I'm 10 pounds ... plus another 5.5 pounds. Ellie, this is YOUR fault.
EM: Lies are not the right way to start a relationship!
L: Oh, SHUT UP! Or I'll tell Woodrow that sometimes you get distracted when cleaning your bloomers, leaving your leg hanging in the air until you remember that you didn't put it down.
EM: Oh, yeah?! Well, at least I don't lick the top of our water fountain!
{The Boy sits down with popcorn}
L: And you routinely put your tail in your food plate!
{The Boy eats popcorn ... crunching as he goes}
EM: {looking at The Boy} WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?




The Boy: Well, Kat took away my phone ...
L: Mind your own beeswax!
EM: Yeah! MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX!
The Boy: Huh. Look at that. There's something you two agree on!
EM and L: {at the same time} SHUT UP!
The Boy: Sheesh. Go back to ignoring me.
EM: OKAY!
L: Bye.
MK: Latte's user name is 2Hot2HandleTortiexxx?! Hahahahahahahahaha.
L: Will the indignities ever end?
The Boy: I've been asking that for years.


© 2023 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Written and Published by Katherine Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2023. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 


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30 comments

  1. I swear, THIS should be on TV! It's one of the funniest I have read. And there are many that Latte and Ellie Mae have done for us, that are! This takes the cake so to speak. And Ellie Mae IS my hero!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am? Really?!?! Can I put that I'm your hero on my resume? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  2. Ditto to Katie Isabella!!! Hilarious!!
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh kay….sew if EVER ….we texted sum one bout burd…it will bee
    a cold day in de place blazin with flamez that soundz like #eLLz

    ewe galz crack uz up ‼️πŸŸπŸ˜ΊπŸ’šπŸ€

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bwahahahaha! You guys crack me up. Feline sexting...who knew that was even a thing? 🀣

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh such adorable kitties and great photos ~ and what a fun post about texting ~ lol

    Wishing you good health, laughter and love in your days,
    A ShutterBug Explores,
    aka (A Creative Harbor)

    ReplyDelete
  6. AMARULA: Latte I believe that you're adventurous and outgoing and your photo looks great! I really don't know why you haven't eaten EM!

    ReplyDelete
  7. HA! Maybe you should just try calling him next time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or text in pictures ... erm ... but not THOSE kinds of pictures.

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. Thank you :) I feel so uninspired after losing Bear. I take these as a [moderate] accomplishment.

      Delete
  9. Had a giggle at this! "No speak Englaish isn't Spanish!" He-he-he!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Maybe voice to text would work for you and Woodrow, Ellie Mae!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Woodrow is STILL waiting for your text, Ellie Mae!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Erm ... I'm experiencing technical difficulties ... I can't spell. And I don't want my Mom to type for me like she does here. ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  12. I think you may want to change your user name, Latte. Just sayin'... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. LOULOU: Wow, we didn't know we were going to read an x-rated sitcome this morning....hahahahaha Floffy tails indeed....I'm high-tailing it outta here...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We never know either ... life with cats is ... unexpected :)

      Delete

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