Real [stupid] Housecats of St. Louis

When Latte tries to get some stuff done, Ellie's comments on her work aren't helpful. Then, the claws come out, and all their juicy secrets are revealed. Gather up your popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show!

ps - Kat's never actually watched any episodes of the Real Housewives ... but we're imagining this isn't too far off. Neither Latte nor Ellie Mae agreed to a tell-all episode at the end of this post. 

EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy lady cat] 
L: Latte [tortie/tabby lady cat aka "Kitten"] 
MK: Momma Kat [Latte and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 

L: Welcome to my first vlog!
EM: Where's the camera? A vlog means it's a video!
L: I'm working! Do you do this to Momma when she tries to write?
EM: Well, yeah. If she tried to write a blog post while away from her computer!
EM: Or because I want her lap.
L: Anyway ... I'm going to tell a story!
EM: Oh, good! I need a nap!
L: {sigh} There was once a cat named La ... err ... Watte.
EM (unedited): Are you making fun of my speech impediment?! Momma doesn't incwude it on our bwog on purpose! It's not my fauwt I pronounce aww 'w's as 'w's!
EM (corrected): Are you making fun of my speech impediment?! Momma doesn't include it on our blog on purpose! It's not my fault I pronounce all 'l's as 'w's!
L: She doesn't include it on our blog because it makes it hard to understand you!
EM: I should start calling you "Fatte."  THAT I can pronounce. AND it's ACCURATE.
L: Do you mind? I'm in the middle of something!

EM: Then you shouldn't make fun of my speech impediment!
L: I wasn't! I didn't want to say the story was about me! So I named the cat Watte!
EM: But that's how I pronounce your name!
L: YES! But our readers don't know that! Until now!
EM: Oh. Carry on.
L: So there was this cat named Watte. She was a torbie.
EM: Torbie can also be pronounced, "Pain-in-the-@$$."
L: If you keep doing that, this story will take forever!
EM: That's okay. I don't have anything else to do!
L: Anyway, this cat, Watte, pulled all the kitty weight in the house.
EM: Then you should use the name Fatte!
L: Watte pulled all the weight, because the OTHER cat in the house ...
EM: Oh! That's me! I'm in the story! I've always wanted to be in a story!
L: {sigh} ... didn't do any work to train their humans properly.
EM: Wait! That's not how it goes! Sure, you ...

L: You mean Watte?
EM: Err ... yeah. Watte pulls all the weight ... but that's because she carries all the weight. Because she weighs twice as much as the other cat!
L: I don't weigh twice as much as you!
EM: Last August, when you were weighed, you weighed 15 1/2 pounds!
L: I might've lost weight since then!
EM: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Your stripes keep stretching. Any more, and you'll have dotted lines!
L: And you weigh 12 pounds!
L: This is my vlog!
EM: You can't do a vlog without a camera!
L: I'm practicing!
EM: Your story is stupid!

L: No. YOUR story is stupid!
EM: I don't want to be in your stupid story!
L: Your boyfriend is stupid!
EM: You not having a boyfriend is stupid!
L: You not having a life is stupid!
EM: You being a pain-in-the-@$$ all the time is stupid!
L: Yeah, well, your Momma's stupid!
EM: And your Momma's stupid, too!
L: Wait. Don't we have the same Momma?
L: I think we just agreed because our Momma is the same person.
EM: You take that back!
L: When you come to sleep on your Momma, who's there?

L: Uh huh ...
L: You just realized ...
EM: YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY MOMMA! You already HAVE a Momma! You don't need mine!
L: {sigh} When Bear lived here ... did you have the same Momma?
EM: Yes, my Momma now is the same as the Momma I had when Bear lived here.
L: NO! Was Bear's Momma and your Momma the same person?
{The gears turn in Ellie Mae's head ...}
{.... they're a little rusty ...}
EM: Is this a trick question? 
L: Don't we have the same Daddy?
EM: No. I don't have a Daddy.
L: Then who gives you treats?
EM: The Treat Man!
L: What's another name for The Treat Man?
EM: Erm ... the Poop Scooper!
L: Oh! Wait! Is the Momma who feeds you the same as the Momma who feeds me?
EM: Yeah ... so? {GASP}

L: I quit.
L: You can't quit this conversation! I'm quitting this conversation because you're annoying. I'm not annoying!
EM: Says the cat that's trying to steal my Momma! What can be more annoying than that? Wait! No wonder you're so fat! You get fed by YOUR Momma and MY Momma!
L: Ellie Mae's deep thoughts.
EM: Don't be ridiculous. If they're deep thoughts, I wouldn't know what they are!
L: You don't know what any thoughts are! You couldn't identify a thought if it bit you in the behind!
EM: I think you're trying to steal my Momma! Which makes no sense ... because if what you said is true, and my Momma is stupid, why would you try to steal her?
L: Ummm ... hmmm ...
L: NO! See, my Momma IS YOUR Momma!
EM: You wish! My Momma will NEVER be your Momma!
EM: Over my dead body!

L: That's looking increasingly attractive to me right now!
EM: Next thing you know, you'll try to steal my boyfriend!
L: I can't steal a boyfriend I never see!
EM: I never see him either!
L: Then how can he be your boyfriend?
EM: It's a long-distance relationship!
L: And how do you talk to him?
EM: Erm ... well, we try to text. Our Moms send each other pictures of us.
L: Would you share your treats with him?
EM: What is this world coming to?! YOU try to steal my Momma, and now he might try to steal my Treat Man?
L: NO! That was hypothetical!
EM: Did you just call me stupid?
L: No! I said I was being hypothetical!
EM: Oh. So you were saying you're being stupid! I agree!
MK: Why do I get the feeling that your conversations go in circles? We started at stupid ... and now, we're back at stupid.
L: That's because Ellie's stupid!
EM: I'm not stupid ... YOU'RE stupid!

L: You're not very bright.
L: It sure makes it less fun to insult you when you agree ...
EM: How is it insulting to say I'm not bright? My fur is black! Black isn't bright!
L: You're dull.
EM: Now, I know that's not true because Momma is always telling me how shiny my black furs are!
L: Let me insult you! It's seriously ironic that I can insult you by calling you stupid, but you're too stupid to get what I'm saying!
EM: You know what's stupid? You pretend you don't like the food you've had 387,493 times!
L: Not nearly as stupid as only eating one flavor of food!
EM: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't chow down my wet food in 15 seconds!
L: No, you make Momma chase you around with your plate.

L: You know what's REALLY stupid?! Her Royal Prissy Princess!
EM: No. That's Pretty Princess Panther. Or Princess Panther Pretty Pants.
L: No. You're Her Royal Prissy Princess! If the barometric pressure changes, the wind direction changes, someone looks at you, the humans do nothing, you hear noises .... Then you stop eating!
EM: At least I cover my business in the litter box!
L: At least I don't wait to use the litter box until Daddy goes to bed!
EM: At least I don't bury our toys in the litter box!
L: At least I don't act like I'm melting when I get wet!
EM: Well, at least I don't lick the top of our fountain!
L: No, but if Momma pours kibble from our bowl on the floor, you think it's new and gobble it up!
EM: But I don't drop our toys in our water bowls!
L: I don't howl like a banshee when I can't find my people!
EM: And I don't meow when I can't find my sparkle ball! When there are other sparkle balls ALL. OVER. THE. HOUSE.
L: I don't barf on our scratchers!
EM: Yes! You do!
{Latte flips the food bowl in frustration}
{Pause as Ellie looks at the food on the floor}
L: Oh. Right. But you do it more.

EM: And I don't make fun of your speech impediment!
L: That's because I don't HAVE ...
{Ellie starts eating all the kibble off the floor}
{CRUNCH ... crunch ... CRUNCH ...}
L: ... a speech impediment.
{CRUNCH ... crunch ... CRUNCH ...}
L: Really?! THIS is how our fight ends?!
{CRUNCH ... crunch ... CRUNCH ...}
L: I need a nap.
{CRUNCH ... crunch ... CRUNCH ...}
L: Can't you crunch any quieter?!
EM: {with her mouth full} THORRWY!
{crunch ... crunch ... CRUNCH ...}
L: {sigh}.

© 2024 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Written and Published by Katherine Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2024. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact 

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  1. Too funny! Makes me glad that I'm an only cat though. No way am I sharing my mum 😻

  2. Ha, funny girls! My boys are also rivals for Mom, or Dad, attention. Pet one, watch others perk up and give you looks!

  3. Hello my lovelies and Mom
    Whoa I just returned from the eye doc my eyes are still very dilated I am sorry I cannot read very well
    Will try to come back later
    Hugs Cecilia

    1. You probably saved yourself the headache that is my girls fighting!

  4. da tabbies o trout towneApril 30, 2024 at 1:34 PM

    anyone who can under stand da tabbies blog, can under stand any thing
    😺‼️. trooth 💙🐟

  5. You both must drive your momma to distraction sometimes!

    1. Not me! I'm a good girl! But Latte sure does! ~Ellie Mae

  6. We haven't ever seen that real Housewives show, either, but who needs that when we've got you??? MOL!

  7. You two are such a pair!! Honestly ;-)

    Marjorie and Toulouse

  8. I never watched any of the Real Housewives things either but I'm pretty sure you two nailed it!

  9. Replies
    1. Yes ... but Melissa ... you miss ALL THIS!! It's NEVER boring!

  10. Heeheehee! That's a great one. My Sweetie and Brother-in-Law, who are identical twins, have an insult they hurl at each other to make everyone laugh. One will say, "You're ugly!" and the other responds with, "Your mama's ugly!" Gets people every time.

    1. Hahaha! There's nothing like siblings ... furred or not!

  11. Lol ~ fun photos and captions ~ hugs,

    Wishing you good health, laughter and love in your days,
    A ShutterBug Explores,
    aka (A Creative Harbor)

  12. I hope one of these days you two will get along. Better to gang up on the humans together.

    1. That's what I tell Ellie! But as you've ascertained ... she's not very bright! ~Latte

  13. Girls, gosh, my mom has followed me with the plate too. I didn't make her do it every single day but I do insist on that service...but less now than I was doing before. Girls, this is kinda private so please put a magic spell on the words so only you can see them..., but I was constipated, so I and wouldn't eat. Now I have Miralax and I'm eating again.

    1. I use the poop powder, too! Momma thinks she hides it in my squeeze-ups ... but I know. A girl's gotta poop! ~Ellie Mae

  14. Three Chatty CatsMay 3, 2024 at 9:00 AM

    Well thank goodness Woodrow's name has Ws and not Ls!

  15. AMARULA: Pain-in-the-@$$!! How dare that feline menace call you such a thing? Give EM a good bite for me Latte!


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