Friday, May 11, 2018

Actually ...

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: THAT'S IT! I've had enough of your stupid female nonsense! Prepare to die.
EM: BRING. IT. You pompous male jerk-wad! 
BC: Are you ready?!?
EM: I'd be ready with two paws tied behind my back.
BC: This is gonna hurt!
EM: The only cat around here that's going to hurt is you.

BC: Prepare to die.
EM: You already said that.
BC: I know! For effect! You're quaking in your boots.
EM: Hardly. The movement you see is because YOU'RE quaking in YOUR boots.
BC: I'm going to hurt you so badly, you won't know what's up.
EM: So you keep saying. CHICKEN.
BC: I'm coming for you, Smellie.
EM: Want me to give you directions?
BC: Why would I need directions? You're the size of a bus! They can see you on satellites!
EM: You wouldn't have the first clue how to beat me up you spineless, impotent coward!
BC: Impotent?!? IMPOTENT?!?! I'll have you know I'm a virile male with all my faculties.
EM: Faculties as in napping ability? Being annoying? Being bellicose?
BC: ME? Bellicose? That my dear girl is your domain. The humans even call you Ellie Belly!

EM: That's not what it ...
BC: Don't mess with me. I know what it means! I'm not STUPID.
EM: ACTUALLY ....
BC: Just watch. I'm opening my can of ...
EM: You mean, CANS?! As in plural? Because I don't think you'd fit in one can. That's a whole lotta cat in one can!
BC: AHEM! Don't interrupt me! I'm opening my can of ...
EM: Wimpy cat?
BC: You'll regret that!
EM: PUSSY cat?
BC: It'll be a pleasure to flex my furry fury and teach you a ...
EM: BUG!
BC: I am NOT a bug! I'm a cat ... 
EM: ... Named Bear. 
BC: But that's not MY fault!
EM: No wonder you spend so much time in the closet.
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie!
EM: I wasn't calling you a bug. There's a spider!
BC: Let me at it! I'll pull the legs off one by one!
EM: I saw it first. It's MY bug!
BC: Don't let Momma see you with it. She'll steal it and set it free outside.
EM: I'm just going to teach it a little lesson ...
BC: Phht. The only lessons you can teach are ...
EM: HEY! I'm tough! And I'm going to make sure this spider knows what's up.
BC: You're more huff and puff than tough.
EM: Pot. Meet kettle.

BC: I'm not a pot! YOU'RE a pot! Come on. Give up the bug!
EM: {turning back for a second toward Bear} I won't let her steal my ...
{SMACK!} 
EM: HEY! That's my bug, Momma!
MK: We don't hunt and torture bugs in this house.
BC: Speak for yourself. YOU don't hunt and torture bugs. We're bad-@sses!
MK: No torture. You two should pick on something your own size ... make it fair.

BC: FAIR?!? Who cares about FAIR?! You sure didn't have a problem killing the bug!
MK: I knew I wouldn't be able to get it outside easily with two noses all up in my business.
BC: Who's a pussy cat now?!?
MK: WHAT?
BC: I'm talking to SMELLIE!
EM: ELLIE'S not listening.
BC: I told you to not let Momma see you with the bug!
EM: I didn't realize she'd be so good at murder!
BC: All the years ... all the spiders, flies, moths, crickets ... she's had plenty of practice. Personally, I think she likes to eat them when we're not looking. I mean, they couldn't taste any worse than her cooking.
EM: She killed the spider in cold blood!
BC: Are spiders cold-blooded? Like reptiles?
EM: I have no idea.
BC: Then how can you say Momma killed the spider in cold blood?
EM: It's a saying, DIMWIT! Now I know why you call everyone else names - you project yourself on all of us!
BC: Take that back!
EM: Over my dead ...
BC: That can be arranged!
MK: YOU TWO! KNOCK it off!
BC: Phht. That's hypocritical. Whenever I knock stuff off, I get in trouble!

EM: It's another saying! Don't take everything so literally!
BC: Well, I'M saying that human sayings are stupid. Just saying. Besides, you should be ashamed for parroting off the humans.
EM: No one asked you, genius.
BC: Shut up!
EM: NO! YOU shut up!
BC: BITE ME!
EM: I'm a NICE cat.
BC: I thought you were tough.
EM: When I need to be.
BC: Prepare to die ...
{Pause}
BC: OWWW! That's my eye!

MK: As much as I'm amused that Ellie's kicking your behind ...
BC: She's not kicking anything!
EM: Another saying ...
BC: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?
EM: Take a video, Momma! Take a video! This way I'll have proof that HE'S the pussy cat!
MK: You two ...
{The cats roll around under the kitchen table which is next to where Momma's working}
MK: What the ...
{Pause}
MK: Son of a biscuit monkey!
EM: I've never heard that saying before.
BC: Stop pretending you're human!
EM: Stop pretending you're a bad-@ss!
MK: All of a sudden, my computer went off! I don't understand ...
{Pause as Momma investigates the power strip}
MK: Son of a ... in your wrestling, one of you knocked the switch on the power strip - which turned it off!
BC: I didn't do it!
EM: Which means that he did.
BC: What? Because if I didn't do it, I'd say I did?

EM: Shut up, Dumbo!
BC: Shut up, SMELLIE!
MK: BOTH OF YOU! KNOCK IT OFF!
BC: We're not actually fighting. We're playing.
MK: Maybe, but in your playing, one of you turned off my power strip. 
BC: She did it!
EM: HE did it!
MK: It doesn't matter. You're BOTH in trouble! I just lost a lot of work.
BC: You wouldn't have lost it if you'd saved regularly. It seems to me that you'd know by now to save your stuff frequently. It's not really OUR fault that you haven't the slightest clue in tech-ville.
MK: You both are in BIG trouble!
EM: He's a big cat!
MK: You're in trouble too, Ellie.
EM: Awww ... man! I didn't do anything! Does that mean I can't jump on your lap and avail myself of your services?
BC: Why can't you talk like a normal cat?
EM: What? You want me to make no sense when I talk, like you?
BC: SHUT UP!!! I'm taking a nap. I don't have the energy to deal with HER nonsense.

EM: MY nonsense? Yeah. I beat you up because you DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.
BC: Shut up! You sat on me! That doesn't count!
MK: {mumbling to herself} That's what I get for taking the spider away from them. Instead of fighting the bug, they're taking their antagonism out on each other.
{Bear falls asleep in his cat bed to wake up as Ellie passes a few minutes later}
BC: {seeing Ellie walk past} The ground is shaking! The ground is shaking! It's an earthquake! It's a herd of elephants! No, wait. It's just Ellie.
EM: Shut up, Bear!
BC: NO! YOU shut up, Smellie.
EM: Shut up, PEAR.
BC: {crawling out of his shark cat bed} That's RIGHT. I have a pair - and don't you forget it!
EM: P-E-A-R. The fruit! You're shaped like a pear.

BC: Stop making fun of my weight. You have no room to talk.
EM: Shut up.
BC: No, YOU shut up!
EM: Momma! Bear's telling me to shut up!
BC: MOMMA! Ellie's telling me to shut up!
EM: Shut him up!
BC: Shut THE BUS up!
MK: That's it. BOTH of you shut up. I take it you two are now fighting for real.
BC: No. We're telling knock-knock jokes.
EM: I don't know any knock-knock jokes!
MK: He wasn't being literal.
BC: This doesn't involve you, Momma.
MK: Then why did you both say my name?

BC: Hmph. Did either of us say, "talkative, annoying, grabby, ogre?" I think not.
EM: That's not nice!
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie.
EM: YOU shut up!
BC: You're a suck-up and a tattle-tail!
EM: You called for Momma too!
BC: Because you were annoying me!
EM: You annoyed me first.
BC: No, I didn't.
EM: Yes, you did.
BC: MOMMA! Tell her to shut up!
EM: Momma! Tell HIM to shut up.
MK: Ellie, SHUT UP!
BC: Hahahahahahahaha.
MK: Bear, SHUT UP!
EM: Hehehehehehehehehehe. You had that coming!

BC: You did too!
MK: I've had it.
{Momma walks out of the room as the cats continue to fight ... neither notices her leave}
{Fifteen minutes pass}
{The Boy walks in the front door after a long day at work and sees the stand-off between the cats}
The Boy: {turning to go back out the door} I'll just come back later.
BC: We're not actually fighting.
The Boy: Oooookay. Where's your Momma?
BC: How should WE know?! She was just here a minute ago! Though I must say that she needs therapy. Talk about unstable. Can you say ... CRAZY?!?
EM: Momma's not crazy! YOU'RE crazy! If Momma's crazy it's because you are.
BC: I didn't ask your opinion.
EM: It's not an opinion. It's FACT.
BC: Stupid human distinctions.
EM: Oh, shut up, Bear! 
BC: After you shut up.
EM: Lalalalalalalalala. I'm NOT shutting up! Take that!

BC: Then I'll make you!
The Boy: I see. Another day of "not actually fighting" ... that drove your Momma to the closet. For what? The THIRD time this week?
EM: It's all Bear's fault!
BC: It is NOT! Momma's just delicate!
EM: You should apologize!
BC: Don't tell me what to do!
EM: Oh, jump off a cliff!
BC: After you!
EM: Shut up.
BC: YOU shut up.
{The cats continue}
The Boy: {walking out of the room} Honey?!? Is there room in there for me? PLEASE?!?!
BC: What's wrong with him? Smellie! Ask The Boy! Boys rule.
EM: Where's Daddy?
BC: He was here just a second ago ... sheesh. He's just as unstable as Momma!
EM: You chased him away too!
BC: I keep trying with you - but you're still here!
EM: Shut up!
BC: No, YOU shut up!
{Continues ad nauseam}

42 comments:

  1. "Son of a biscuit monkey" mom has never heard that before but it's pretty awesome. And Bear.. umm.. we guys aren't QUITE as virile after our special surgery as we were before. Surely your mom explained that to you?

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    1. Phht. Momma doesn't have to explain anything to me! I already know because I know everything! Wait ... special surgery?! ~Bear Cat

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  2. You two sure do some energetic "playing"

    The Florida Furkids

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  3. I'm so glad you two get along so well!!!

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  4. Won't someone please think about the poor spider? Her name was Harriet and she had 7 million children and enjoyed knitting in her spare time. I'll be having a vigil at my house tonight at 6 p.m. est. Hahaha, just kidding. At least your Momma quickly put the spider out of it's misery. Next time carry the spider someplace where she can't see you playing with it.

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    1. Momma feels horrible about killing it. She doesn't necessarily believe in karma and reincarnation, but she does solidly subscribe to the whole, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" thing. She used to never kill bugs - but we get brown recluses here so occasionally, a spider looks iffy and she'll go with the safest course of action.

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  5. Sounds like you two are causing your mom a lot of stress! But you're right, she should know by now to hit SAVE often. Luckily, my cats haven't hit the power strip yet in their excited playing/fighting! Whew!

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  6. A pear! I'm rolling in laughter guys. Get along now you two!

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    1. Bear just said “I could get along with ol Smellie Neigh if she would just SHUT UP! And momma too! Can you make that happen?”

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    2. He does kind of look like a pear, doesn't he?!? Momma said it first! ~Ellie Mae

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  7. Hey, that powerstrip thing happens over here sometimes, too! Are you two visiting us in secret? 'Cause NO ONE here is the culprit. *wink*

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    1. But there's so many more of your to diffuse the responsibility! We believe you all are innocent anyway!

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  8. Uh oh! Our mom would be in big trouble cause she never saves things as she goes along. I think she's learning a lesson from this one.

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  9. Oh my, gosh, its just like living with two human kids. Mom says she had a friend who used to lock herself in the bathroom when she couldn't take anymore. Sounds like the same is happening at your house. Mom says that you two are more of a handful than all eight of us! MOL! XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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    1. We've had lots of practice ;) And we figure if we act like a CLOWDER of cats, Momma won't get anymore!

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  10. AMARULA: You are right Bear--humans are so confusing--sometimes they want you to knock it off and sometimes they yell at you when you know it off!!

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    1. I KNOW! It's like they have multiple personalities or something! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Now kitties, don't go for the eyes, that is not right. And I apologize Bear, buy you are shaped like a Pear- so am I :)

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    1. Everyone's a hater! My Momma makes sure to keep our claws clipped - especially the back ones ... those bunny kicks always go straight for the eye!

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  12. MeOW Great fotos. We so luv seein' ya'll together. We can't believe your mommy would actually let a bug live!!! OMC We've gotta be quick or mommy'll kill 'em right outta our mouths. She hate bugs of any kind, 'specially spiders. Big hugz

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. We get brown recluses around here - and we live in something that resembles a basement - so the ones Momma's uneasy about get smashed because she doesn't want to get bit either!

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  13. OMCs the pear cracked us up....that is hilarious
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  14. Oh you two! I bet when no-one is around that you are the best of friends.

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  15. Always entertaining and never a dull minute with you guys!

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  16. Oh yikes. It's always fun and games until somekitty accidentally turns off the power strip. That's how that saying goes, right???

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    Replies
    1. As long as the power strip doesn't connect to any of our toys or fountain ... eh. No need to stop.

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  17. Hmm, that spider, how many legs did it have as one of mine ran off without paying it's rent. Has five legs and answers to the name of Sid. Now as to this closet, (or cupboard as we call them but bast knows why as most don't have cups in them) do your lot spend time in there often. If it's like my cupboard then it's full of cleaners and spiders and...... oooh maybe thats where he is! I'll be back later but in the meantime, I hope when they come out they have some major revelations and have tidied up. MOL
    Toodle pips
    ERin

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    1. Left without paying rent?! How RUDE! But wait ... you said he had 5 legs ... did you charge him other other three?! That's what Bear likes to do!

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  18. Bear, you ARE shaped like a pear! I knew you were shaped like something, but I was never sure what it was. Humans in the closet leaves more room for cats to play and fight or whatever, right? :)

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    1. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like food. Hardy-har-har. ~Bear Cat

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  19. Bear and Ellie, maybe it was an ant searching for crumbs that accidentally turned off the power strip! They have amazing strength and determination. There was an army of them in my house not long ago. They found their way into my food cupboard even! EEK! Tee hee hee!

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    1. No ants in OUR food. Again. Stupid bandits! ~Bear Cat

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  20. We think Momma was really in the closet searching for spiders, because that would have been a much better alternative! :)

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    1. She would NEVER replace us with spiders! Err ... I think. ~Bear Cat

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