Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Ellie and Her Butt-worms

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Ready for our nightly terror before the wet food treat shake down?
BC: Leave me alone. I need a nap.

EM: Come on! What's a night without our nightly terror before the wet food treat shake down?
BC: You mean our nightly terror BEFORE we're terrorized BEFORE our wet food treat shakedown.
EM: The ... BEFORE the ... huh?
BC: You know! When Momma brushes our teeth, brushes us, and clips our claws? How WE'RE terrorized after our nightly terror - but before the wet food treat shakedown.
EM: Ummm ... sure.
{Silence}
EM: Wanna be friends and cause trouble together?
BC: GO AWAY!
EM: Are you still mad that I ate all the kibble in your bowl?
BC: YOU ATE ALL THE KIBBLE IN MY BOWL?
EM: Err ... NO! Of course not. I saw Daddy do that.
BC: I HATE YOU!
EM: But I'm your sister!

BC: When they say you can't choose your family, they weren't kidding! You're my stupid sister who's to blame for THREE of my FOUR vet visits since you got here.
EM: I didn't mean to give you worms, Bear.
BC: Yeah. WHATEVER. I don't HAVE butt-worms. That's just you! Worms know better than to mess with me.
EM: Then I have something to learn from them.
BC: At least now I know it's not just poop that you're full of.
EM: You don't want to play with me?
BC: NO! I don't even want to SEE you! Unless the "game" is KILL. MY. ANNOYING. SISTER.
EM: I've never played that one before.
BC: GO AWAY!!!
EM: Daddy's right! You ARE grumpy. You're even grumpier than usual!
BC: I've had to go to the vet THREE TIMES because of you! IN LESS THAN A YEAR! You eat my food, steal my attention, play with my toys, and make it necessary for me to see the vet. I should send YOU to the vet and then you can tell me what it feels like! You've been nothing but TROUBLE since you moved in.
EM: That's not ENTIRELY fair. If you hadn't kept licking my butt, Momma might have felt better about not treating you for roundworms.
BC: SHUT UP!

EM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ... speaking of us being terrorized ... if it weren't for YOU, I wouldn't get my teeth brushed, my claws clipped or my fur stolen! It's because of YOUR problems that I have to suffer too.
BC: I don't have any problems with my claws or my fur! I'm 100% awesome.
EM: You can't keep your claws to yourself! And you get regular hairballs! I have to suffer because YOU ...
BC: Phht. Like THAT'S a big deal.
EM: EVERY. OTHER. NIGHT. And you pitch a fit when it's your turn so you can't say it's no big deal.
BC: It's not a big deal for me because I'M Momma's favorite!
EM: You are not!
BC: Momma's smart enough not to mess with me. I'M THE SHARK!
EM: Oh, really? I could've sworn I heard you squealing and cursing last night when Momma clipped your claws.
BC: I. HATE. YOU. AND YOUR LITTLE WORMS TOO! Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get a nap in before the main event.
EM: We ARE pretty good at the wet food treat shakedown.
BC: GO!!! AWAY!!!

EM: Err ... I see that this might not be the best time. I'll come back later.
BC: If by later, you mean NEVER!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! HEY! Keep that paw to yourself!
EM: See? You want to play with me!
BC: Yeah. I want to PLAY with you. You can play dead ...
{Bear jumps Ellie and she squeals}
MK: BEAR! Your sister isn't a chew toy!
BC: Phht. I know THAT. She started it! Though, she makes an exceptional punching bag.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm trying to send her back to the vet because of me! See how SMELLIE likes it!
EM: Stop calling me SMELLIE!
BC: I call you Smellie because your butt stinks.
EM: And I thought you called me Smellie because you're a butt.
BC: Hmph.
EM: Maybe if you kept your nose away from my butt ...
BC: That's what cats do! We smell each others' butts!
EM: Oh, yeah? Then why do you lick my butt?
BC: Stop acting like your poop doesn't stink.
EM: I've only smelled your butt a few times and I learned my lesson.
BC: HEY! At least I'M not full of butt-worms ... among other things. You're full of $#!+-worms!
EM: It's not MY fault! I didn't do anything wrong!
BC: Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.

EM: It clearly works for you.
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie Neigh!
EM: You shut up! I'm NOT a smelly horse!
BC: I hate you!
EM: I hate you more!
MK: You two guarantee that I'm never short on material.
BC: Butt-worms aren't exactly ... err ... a pleasant topic.
EM: LEAVE MY BUTT-WORMS OUT OF THIS!
BC: Hmph. You know what they say ... when life gives you lemons, join the band.
{Silence}
EM: I don't think that's what they say.
BC: OH! So now you know THEM better than I know them.
EM: No. I think it goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." And, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
BC: HUH. I always wondered how that makes sense. HUMANS. The thing is, that I never know whether the things they spout just don't make sense or I've got them wrong. Nonsensical either way!
EM: Maybe you should stop trying to be a know-it-all.
BC: I've got it! Your band can be called, "Ellie and Her Butt-worms!" What are their names?

EM: Whose?
BC: Your butt-worms!
EM: I don't really think I should be on a first name basis with my butt-worms.
BC: Well, if the worms are up your butt, you're probably justified in being on a first name basis with them.
EM: I don't know ...
BC: {AHEM} ...
EM: Uh oh.
BC: You know Slasher and Askancer and Chancre and Tricks-en. Vomit, Stupid, and Gonner-rhea and $#!+-zen. But do you recall…The most famous butt-worm of all?
EM: Uh oh.
BC: {to the tune of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"} William, Ellie's fat butt worm,
Wouldn't share his butt worm food.
And if you ever met him,
You'd know he's always in a bad mood.
All of the other butt worms used to stay far away.
They knew better than to join the butt worm fray.
Then ...
The Boy: Can you get any weirder?
BC: Is that a trick question? Or a challenge?

The Boy: Err ...
EM: I'm still not sure about being on a first name basis with one's butt worms. I wouldn't want to get attached. I mean, we did get the treatment for them. 
The Boy: And I thought your Momma was crazy.
BC: OH! She IS! Especially around cats!
The Boy: Because she squeals even though there's not one other thing she'll squeal about? Or because she's obsessed and hugs them to death?
BC: The struggle's real. I've seen my lives flash before my eyes more than once.
The Boy: You don't think that's just a TAD dramatic?
EM: He's actually right about this one. A cat gets nine lives because of how many lives we lose to compulsive hugging from our humans.
BC: Yeah. I'd love to see Momma squeal at you across a room and then hold you in her lap against your will!
The Boy: She loves you!
BC: I love tanks, tiaras and tasty whole chickens - but you don't see me squealing about them or making them my teddy bear!
EM: Well, if I had a pet fish, I couldn't make any promises.
BC: You HATE water! You wouldn't cuddle with a fish!

EM: Some things are worth getting wet for.
BC: Like drowning one's sister?
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: I'll remember that the next time you step in your own poop and Momma has to give you a bath.
EM: You promised to never speak of that again! Again!
BC: You already said, "again."
EM: I meant you promised not to speak of it again, for the tenth time. And you always bring it up!
BC: You must be really desperate for friends.
EM: Maybe if you weren't such a jack-@$$ ...
BC: Maybe if you weren't full of $#!+-worms ...
EM: At least my brain isn't full of mean-ness worms! 
BC: Don't talk about The Boy like that!
The Boy: Have either of you seen your Momma?
BC: Check the closet. She's been in there most of the past month!

EM: Because YOU'RE annoying!
BC: Not as annoying at you!
EM: Shut up!
BC: Shut up, Miss Full-of-butt-worms!
EM: Oh, YEAH?!?!?
The Boy: As much as I hate work ... some things are even worse. I really can't wait to get back to work so I don't have to listen to this all day. That or we need a bigger closet so your Momma and I both fit!
BC: Phht. You would if you both ate fewer doughnuts! Ellie and I would fit in the closet.
The Boy: You're right. You two in the closet makes more sense.
BC: WAIT! PUT ME DOWN! NO! I didn't mean LITERALLY! I HATE YOU! MROW!
EM: Brothers are good for one thing ... the show.

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36 comments:

  1. I've not had butt worms, only ear worms from time to time!

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  2. Oh,Ellie, what you must endure, you poor innocent angel !

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  3. When Angel and Chuck came to live with us, they had worms...and fleas. So, that's a lesson for those of you who take 'free kittens'!

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    Replies
    1. At least they were adopted by someone caring enough to treat both!

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  4. guyz...we iz all bout wermz heer in de land oh trout, red, earth, trout... butt; noe pun inn tended ☺
    ...thoz kinda wermz iz NOE GOOD !!!!!!! ♥♥

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    Replies
    1. Worms don't gross Momma out ... unless it crawls out of a butt.

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  5. We hope you two start getting along soon. You are both cute! And remember, life is short and family is important :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  6. Poor Ellie, Bear can be hard sometimes ! Purrs

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  7. Ohhhhh I hear smack talking and thing a smack down is about to occur unless Bear learns the words all men need to know 'yes dear'!! Bear did you see yourself as a roadie on our concert post yesterday?
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. Ellie's too sweet to be mean to ... ***THUNK*** ... OW! ~Bear Cat

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  8. I have a funny butt worm story! Years ago when I had Angel Tara a piece of her shredded wet food had fallen on the floor and later that even she was laying beside it. My mom noticed it and thought it was a worm! I knew right off what it was and cracked up.

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  9. Beat, you licked Ellie’s butt with butt worms??? Ewwwwwwwww!!!

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  10. Well Ellie, you're our furiend and welcome to come over and play with us anytime. Bear, we got mews fur ya', ifin you're lickin' her hiney with worms, then you've got 'em too. Sorry dude, but that's just the way it works. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. That's what my Momma said! The vet said there was no reason to treat me and my Momma insisted anyway. HMPH. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Oh, Bear, you have to be careful what you say! Sometimes the humans DO take you literally. But hey, it wasn't lonely in the closet, right? Momma was there with you?

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  12. Olive had butt worms when we found her as a stray. I'll have to ask her if she named them. Somehow I don't think a tortie would stoop so low.

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  13. Share and share alike.... But who is really the butt of the butt joke, and what is the worms take on this all? Mol
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. The butt of the butt joke ... embarrassingly Momma's rolling around on the floor laughing!

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  14. I'm sorry to hear Ellie got butt worms. My daddy, Nikolas, got them too. But he lives outside and eats fast food... Mom had to sneak the pill into his dinner. Maybe Ellie was nomming flies? Feel better!

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    Replies
    1. She had them when we adopted her - the vet thinks that's why she has them now.

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  15. Oh, poor Ellie! That must be very uncomfortable.

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    Replies
    1. At least it's not hookworms! I had those too when Momma adopted me and they made my litter box deposits bloody. ~Ellie Mae

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  16. Wormies, Bear? I feel your pain, 'cause I got treated for them a couple of weeks ago. I got the lung wormies. Mom says I have to get two more treatments! ICK! EEK! I think the D-O-G is responsible even though Mom says she can't pass them on to me. I don't believe her. Maybe you could make signs for us so the wormies go away? Purrs.

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    Replies
    1. I bet it IS the dog! Sisters are to blame for EVERYTHING! I don't care what the humans say! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Butt worms- ick! I feel bad for you.

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    Replies
    1. We're okay ... unless Momma sees one and then all bets are off ;)

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  18. Bummer. Having worms is no picnic, butt or otherwise. Sending oodles of poodles thoughts for a speedy recovery.

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