Friday, May 18, 2018

MORE words to live by ... from a cat

Cats are unique and glorious creatures - yet they have quirks that make even the most understanding of humans scratch their heads. A cat is the only pet that will destroy your couch and then blame you for its demise. Cats are easy to love but these aberrations can be hard to understand. It is with that appreciation, admiration, and love that I share Bear's words to live by. This is part 2 of a two post series. If you missed part 1, you may find it here: Words to live by ... from a cat.

* Finder's keepers. If I find a bug - it's mine. I don't hunt them down just for you to swoop in and rescue them. And don't think that means you get to confiscate my mousie when you find it in the toilet.


* If my claws were meant to not be sharp, they'd be that way naturally. Maybe if you stopped ticking me off, I could keep my claws to myself.

* Don't mess with me and then act all wounded that I bit you. If I'm not in the mood, you aren't going to change my mind, no matter how transcendental your ear rubs are.

* When it comes to treats ... 1 + 1 ≠ 2. It comes to TOO LITTLE.

* I see all the bags of treats you have in the pantry. I suspect you are either eating them yourself or feeding the cats within a hundred mile radius.

* I love to stalk ... it's not personal. I'm just a savage and ferocious hunter. Ditto with swiping, batting, and biting.


* I don't play in my litter box [much].

* Humans are a work in progress. Maybe "work" is a bit of a misnomer ... mess in progress is a better phrase ... with the progress meaning less of a mess.

* Treats are a food group.

* You might be able to kill toys, paper bags, facial tissue boxes, etc ... but you can't kill your sister without really upsetting your people.

* When I come to you for attention ... it's an emergency! I can't wait until you "just finish this."


* Just because you snore doesn't mean I'll leave you alone. No one could possibly make that much racket naturally and not on purpose.

* Doughnut butt. Giving me some of your food is good for you [to keep your ogre-ish figure]. You're welcome. Enough said.

* If you want to talk about your feelings ... please leave me out of it.

* If cats were meant to wear clothes or walk on a leash, we'd be born with them.

* A cat's neighborhood rep is a big deal - don't embarrass me ... you ... me ... you ...

* I hate the tooth brush and the claw clippers. HATE is not strong enough of a word. Let me show you where to stick them.

* I have preferences and whims just like you. Don't overanalyze and try to psycho-babble me. I'm a cat. What's YOUR excuse?

* Kibble isn't really food - until it's taken away and I refuse to eat anything else.

* If it says, "seafood feast," forget it. I like crab and salmon and tuna and tuna and more tuna ... I even like shrimp. But "seafood feast" tastes like ... err ... nothing good.

* Closed doors are not allowed. I know you keep the tasty whole chickens around here somewhere.

* I can sit and stare at you for hours, but you are not allowed to stare at me.

* If I turn my back to you, I want to be left alone.


* The life of a blogging cat almost makes up for the human factor. Food, accessories, toys ... we get to try it all! Plus, we get a built in audience for our beefs against our humans!

* I require payment IN ADVANCE for any services rendered. Petting, posing for pictures, etc ... I don't work for free.

* As soon as I hear, "I," all I hear is BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.


* No one else likes to listen to you ramble - why would I?

* What's mine is mine. What's yours is mine.


* Having a sister is like having a kid constantly pulling your shirt asking inane questions and getting all up in your grill ... and calling that "bonding." The only bonding I want to do with my sister is over her dead body.




* Sisters are NOT forever. HOPEFULLY. I'm still working on it.



* There is no such thing as too much catnip ... too much food ... or too many toys. But any sister count more than zero is way too many sisters.

* I don't HAVE to accept anything.

* The carrier, the vacuum, and your camera are at the very top of my kill list.

* If I find a way to break it, you buy it.

* Sometimes I can't help but ponder the big questions and the meaning of my lives. Examples ... if I owned a chicken farm, how many free samples would I get? Are torties really their own dynamic hottie species? Do tasty whole chickens leap over the moon and bring back cheese?! And what came first ... the chicken or the tuna?


* Pants are mandatory. There's not enough bleach in the world to wash away the memory of you without clothes.

* "Singing" and "dancing" is forbidden. When you sing you sound like a constipated dying cricket and when you dance, you look like a constipated caterpillar with back spasms.




* You could at least THANK me for all the help I give you. 



* It's a sign of your intelligence (or lack thereof) that any time you see a kitty you become a blubbering, incoherent, mess.

* If I want it, it's mine. Even if I don't want it, if I should change my mind in the future, it's mine.

* The sticky notes are mine. You are not allowed to move or deface my signs. But should the horrible happen, I am to be rescued from the sticky immediately.

* I break for food.


* I fix everything.

* When I'm in my window, you aren't allowed to touch me or disturb me. Leering at me from outside or crying because you're so happy to see me are strictly prohibited. This is important for my street cred. If I MUST interact with you in a place seen by the outside, I'll bite you.



* Food always tastes better when it's on the other cat's plate.

* My redecoration skills are second to none. I offer consultations in exchange for tasty whole chickens.




* I have a [really annoying] shadow. Everyone else calls her Ellie Mae; but I have a special name for her. "Smellie" is the PG version of that name.




* I'm a Momma's boy. When I want to take my rightful place by her side you should find another place to sleep.


* I come first, last, and every spot in between. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME. You are expected to drop what you're doing when I require assistance.

* If you see me on The Boy's lap, it doesn't mean I like him. And no, it's not cute.


* Ditto for me and HER. If you think you see Smellie and I touching, you should get your eyes checked. Your whole squealing thing isn't cute. We ARE NOT friends.


* A male princess requires a tiara, a tank, tasty whole chickens and a bazooka. 

* I'M THE SHARK!!!


* I hiss for a reason. It's not my fault if you're too dull-witted around the sharp-fanged.

* In any room, corner, door way or hall, the cat - and more specifically - ME, has the right of way. The rest of you must get out of the mother-meowing way.

* These rules and words to live by are subject to change at any time - without notice - at the cat's discretion.

How many of these do your cat[s] agree with? Did we miss any? 

49 comments:

  1. I think earplugs could be a solution to many of your issues, Bear, followed by dark sunglasses then the key to the pantry and front door. Then the other thing you would need is a credit card, and a housekeeper! Mol

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    1. Humans. Why put up with them? Well, I mean beyond the thumb thing. ~Bear Cat

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  2. I think you have just about covered everything, Bear.

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  3. Those were all good Bear and you're so right about the food on the other plate tasting better!

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  4. Oh Bear, you are one busy fella. I bet you do like that sister of yours. And you do have such a good home. You all have a great day.

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  5. Who knew that had so many rules? They certainly don't follow any human rules...hahahahaha!

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    1. Bear just said “humans have rules? Really? Why didn’t they tell me? Not that I would have listened but they could at least try.....”

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    2. We train them well, don't we? ~Bear Cat

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  6. Bear, you sure do have a lot of rules that we must follow by. You take some great photos as well. You always make sure that your whole body is on the laptop keyboard at all times. You just want to order some new toys and treats. Thanks for the share. Have a great weekend.
    World of Animals

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    1. We train them well, don't we? Then again, we wouldn't NEED to plop on the keyboard if everything went our way! b~Bear Cat

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  7. Wow! You sure do have a lot of rules for your humans to follow. Although, we do agree with most of them. We don't know why treats can't be a food group!

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  8. Wow, BC, thats.. a lot of rules. We think you can get away with most of them, but not the ones about your sisfur. You know your mom and The Boy will guard her, right?

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    1. We train them well, don't we? Regarding my stupid sister ... yeah. They won't let me hurt her and I don't know why. ~Bear Cat

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  9. Okay, so I'm confused. First off, you're too cute in that shirt. But like you said, you'd be born with clothes if they were meant to be. But humans aren't born with clothes, yet you say pants are mandatory?!? Hmmmm....Can't have it both ways, Bear! Or maybe you can. I do agree that pants should be mandatory.

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    1. Err ... you've reached Bear Cat. He's not available at the moment. Please leave a message.
      ~Bear Cat
      Err ... BEEP!

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  10. Just because you have all this time to make up all these rules, doesn't mean you can change your cuteness. Just sayin' . . .

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  11. Bravo bravo bravo and I bet Mama won't be leaving you alone without something to do ever again.
    Idle kitty brains make up stuffs
    Hugs madi your bffff

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    1. I gave up three naps for this list! Now I'm sleep deprived! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Bear, all WE heard was . . . you and your sisfur Ellie look incredibly sweet together!! ;p


    the critters in the cottage xo

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  13. Finder's keepers doesn't work here :( I'm always finding really cool bugs that I want to play with, but Mommy *kills* them! It's like I find them and sign their death warrant. --Mudpie

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    1. WHY DO THEY DO THAT?! Would it really hurt anyone to have a a whack or two at them? ~Bear Cat

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  14. AMARULA: Every single one! Too true -especially -" A cat's neighborhood rep is a big deal - don't embarrass me ... you ... me ... you .." And Bear -- though of course I am against clothing on cats--I have to say that I love you in that t-shirt!!

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    1. It was a onesie! I really hate my Momma sometimes! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Bear, whatever you are smoking, pass some this way please lol

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  16. I really enjoyed these but could only read about half of them. I can't digest this much goodness in one day.

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  17. We so luv the fotos. We don't bite, tear up the furniture or the blinds, least not intentionally. That time me fell and broke them doesn't count. We don't eat kibble or tuna, so we're thinkin' our rules might be a little different. But, hey, we can't all be the same or what fun would that be, right? MOL big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. Your Mommy is how our Mommy wants to be ... she just gets lazy!

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  18. That's a lot of pawsome rules, Bear ! We didn't know your life was so organized ! Purrs

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    1. Somecat's got to make up for my Momma's messes! ~Bear Cat

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  19. All we know is that our mom and dad resemble that intelligence/seeing a cat graph. Seriously!

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one with that problem! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Of COURSE treats is a food group. Is someone sayin' it isn't? And speakin' of treats, who the mouses is sayin' they should be doled out only - ONLY - two at a time? I mean.... WHO? Oh sure, two PACKAGES might suffice. But two measly treats? MOUSES!

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    1. You guessed it, Sivvers. Life REALLY SUCKS here! ~Bear Cat

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  21. I don't know, Bear....you have a lot of issues and demands. Sam is not quite so demanding; maybe it's just because she's older and has mellowed out some. Do you think you will mellow with age? :)

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    1. I'm OLD too! I'm almost 13! A SENIOR! This is supposed to be my golden years ... tasty whole chickens and retirement ... but I have to train another human and Smellie! ~Bear Cat

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  22. I think my cats went to the same school for decorating- my chairs have the same design :) Cute post, as always. XO

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    1. Thank you! We're glad to know we're in good company! ~Bear Cat

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  23. I think you've covered a great deal of things in your list of words to live by, Bear. You are so-o thorough. I don't think I've ever landed a mousie in the toilet, but if I did I'd make Mom get it out! Mom keeps lots of treat bags in my pantry, too, but I don't seem to get served but a few at a time! I think she's been slipping some to the D-O-G! Winky winks!

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    1. UGH! Thank goodness I just have a stupid SISTER and not a doggie one! ~Bear Cat

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