Friday, June 1, 2018

Ellie finally has enough

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: What the ...
{Pause}
EM: Hmmm ... maybe I'm sitting in the wrong direction.

{Pause}
EM: No. That's not right. 
{Pause as Ellie turns around and lays back down}

EM: How about this?
{Pause}
EM: This isn't right either!!! I just want to sit on a stupid lap and this lap is BROKEN! Now what am I going to do? 

{Pause}
EM: Monkey nuts! Stupid pants! This old piece of crap!
BC: {sauntering into the bedroom} What's wrong?
EM: THIS. LAP. IS. BROKEN.
BC: HA! That one never worked right to begin with. Not enough features.
EM: But ... I want THIS lap!!!
BC:  I TOLD you that you could wear a lap out! But did you listen to me? NO! I hope you're happy! You're lucky it isn't Momma's lap. That one is mine and I'll wear it out when I want to.
EM: We need a new one!
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. NO. MORE. BOYS. I won't have you dragging another boy in here just because you need a lap. There are less annoying ways of fulfilling your needs. Don't worry. 
EM: Why?
BC: Because I have it on good authority that it won't matter because you've been evicted.
EM: LOOK! I can't find a position to make it work! Where are the hands? And the warm? Wait a ... EVICTED? From where? Daddy's lap?

BC: Don't be ridiculous. Dweebles should stick together!
EM: PHEW!
BC: Hahahaha. You put your left paw in ... you take your left paw out ... you put your left paw in and you shake it all about ...you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around ...
EM: Help me, or SHUT UP!
BC: WOMEN! They never stop b!+ching! The problem is obvious.
EM: WHAT?!
BC: Your lap isn't in those pants!
EM: But it looks the same ... where's the lap?
BC: Who knows. The Boy is probably out Dweebling somewhere. I can help you make a lost sign!
EM: You know what Momma said about you making more signs ...
BC: Here! What do you think?
{Bear flashes his "Lost" sign}

EM: It's perfect! Oh, thank you so much! I'll certainly find my lap now! You're the best brother EVER!!!
BC: You should probably get outside and put signs up all over the neighborhood. Then walk door to door looking for ...
EM: You're right! You are so smart. And kind! I'm so lucky to have you as a brother!
BC: And I'll be sure to let you back in when you come back ...
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: Holy crap! She's finely honed her "spidey sense" of my misbehavior. I swear! I was going to let Smellie back in. Eventually.
EM: WHAT?!? You planned to lock me outside and never let me back in didn't you?
BC: Err ... is that a trick question?
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: Uh oh. My full name ... this is really bad ... I need to hide before ...
MK: {walking in to the room and seeing Bear} BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: RATS!
MK: BEAR!
BC: I DIDN'T DO IT!
MK: What's this sign about?
BC: I don't know anything about a sign!
MK: Here in the hall! It says ...
BC: HEY! PUT ME DOWN! This is Bear abuse! This is against my ... MROW!
MK: OW!
{Pause as Bear sees the "For Sale" sign on the wall}
BC: Oh. THAT sign. Because I just made another one for ...


{Pause}
BC: Never mind.
MK: Bear ...
BC: But everything I wrote is true!
MK: It doesn't matter!
BC: I have a sister for sale.
MK: Your sister IS NOT for sale! 
BC: Not according to the latest election.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Remember? The referendum on Smellie and The Boy.
MK: What "referendum?"
BC: YESTERDAY!
MK: You didn't tell me there was any ...
BC: HEY! I put up signs all over the house notifying voters of an election. Don't blame ME if you didn't take the time to vote. No vote. No voice.
{Bear shows Momma the sign notifying the house of the election}

BC: You snooze, you lose, Momma! SEE?!?! The sign notifying occupants of the election even says that if you don't vote, you can't complain!

MK: You offered cash in exchange for votes? Don't you think that's unethical?
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, YOU paid the cash. YOU'RE unethical.
MK: BEAR!
BC: HEY! I was just going to take kickbacks from each voter to finance my tasty whole chicken farm. The people have spoken.
MK: "People?"
BC: Err ... I meant VOTERS.
MK: Let me see the ballot!
{Bear shows Momma a blank ballot}

BC: I did refer to them as Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber on the first version of the ballot. In fact, I had a ton already made! But then I figured the voters are too stupid to know which is which, so I spelled it out for them.
MK: Thank goodness you're not a politician thinking voters are too stupid.
BC: They ARE stupid! 
MK: Bear! There's no choice to vote to keep The Boy and Sm ... ELLIE! 
BC: Why would anyone vote for that?
MK: It'd be fair!
BC: Don't you always tell me life isn't fair?
MK: I should know better than to get involved in these discussions. I shouldn't even bother to try to convince you of anything.
BC: Can I get that in writing?
MK: Who voted?
BC: SEE! I knew it wouldn't last! The toys!
MK: The toys voted for Ellie to leave?
BC: YEAH!
EM: Aww. But I like our toys!
BC: They don't like you!
EM: Awww.
MK: Ellie, don't worry! Bear doesn't speak for the toys.
BC: You're right. I don't. They speak for themselves! I have twenty-two ballots voting for her to leave!
MK: And you paid each one?
BC: YOU paid each one.
MK: And this "kickback" you levied?
BC: Phht. 100%! Don't be ridiculous! The toys don't need money!
MK: And how many voted against evicting Ellie and The Boy?
BC: NONE! DUH! There's not even a box for that on the ballot!
MK: Because that's fair!
BC: You always tell me life isn't fair! It's about time I'm on the beneficiary side of that one.
EM: And why didn't I get to vote?
BC: You're not a registered voter of the Momma Kat Household.
EM: What about my Daddy?
BC: Nope. Not registered.
MK: Bear ...
BC: You're not registered either.
EM: But ... but ... the toys don't like me?! I love to play! What am I going to play with?
BC: Don't even LOOK at my tail.
MK: Ellie, the toys didn't really vote.
EM: They didn't?
MK: Of course not. Your toys can't vote.
EM: WHAT?!? You're telling me my toys aren't good enough to vote?
{Bear snickers}
MK: No. I'm trying to say they didn't actually vote.
EM: But Bear said ...
{Pause as Ellie looks at Bear}
EM: You tried to trick me! 
BC: TRIED?!? Too bad I didn't get you out the door first.
MK: BEAR!
BC: You hear all this great stuff about free-range chickens ... Ellie can be a free-range-cat! Ethical! Responsible! NOT in this house!
{Ellie and Momma turn to look at Bear}
BC: Err ... I hear my Mom calling ...
EM: Your Mom's right here, dumb-butt.
BC: The OTHER one.
EM: Are you scared of me?
BC: Of course NOT!
EM: Because you should be.

BC: Uh oh. Hell hath no fury like a sister scorned.
EM: GET. BACK. HERE. I'm talking to you! You're going to sit quietly and listen while I tell you what's what. I've put up with a lot of your crap - but I've always been nice anyway. I've let you boss me around and make me the butt of all of your jokes. I let you beat me up. NO MORE. I've had enough of your crap. And it's going to end now.
BC: It's not MY fault you can't step around my crap in the litter ...
EM: SILENCE! Two can play this game. I'm going to make you sorry a catillion times over. GAME on, mother-meow-er!
BC: Technically, it's not a ga ...
{Bear sees Ellie's face}
BC: I'll just sit here quietly and listen to what you have to say.
EM: That's what I THOUGHT!
MK: {whispering} Ellie, when you're done, can you explain to me how you got Bear to listen to you?
EM: Not just listen to me ... he's my b!+ch!
BC: HEY! I'm no one's ...
{Bear sees Ellie face}
BC: Err ... I mean, yes. Yes, I am.


Featured posts:

43 comments:

  1. Yikes! Mrs Hudson blushed terribly when she saw your LOST sign, and wouldnt let me see the rest of the post! But she did mention the for sale sign. If you're selling your sister, you should be putting a warranty on too, just to encourage folk. You know, six months or five thousand pieces of kibble!
    Toodlepips and Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A warranty? You think it would be worth a tasty whole chicken or two? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Bear! She might retaliate and sell you!!! The internet is full of mischief and YOU might be next.....

    * whispers * GO ELLIE GO. WooHOOOOOOO

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's ok, Ellie, we know the toys like you a lot. Everyone does. Bear has been known to pull SHENANIGANS with past elections.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He pulls shenanigans with EVERYTHING! It gets exhausting! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  4. Good job Ellie. Get that Bear straightened out. Won't hurt him a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Uh oh, Bear. We think you better be nice to Ellie for a while to win her good graces back! On the other hand, we'd pay 100 tasty whole chickens for her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SOLD! PLEASE TAKE HER! PLEASE?!?! I'd even pay YOU! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. We thinks you need to set a vote to add MORE LAPS instead!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think you two really do like each other, you've just not figured out how to show it yet MOL!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well, Bear, how ‘bout we trade you Ellie for Zoey *evil laugh* ~Wally & Ernie

    ReplyDelete
  9. We think if someone took you up on your offer you would end up missing your sister, Bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not a chance. Well, until I misbehave and want a sibling to blame it on ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. Oh Ellie, you had me giggling so much about the missing lap. And that lost poster is just too much! Although it sounds like Bear had ulterior motives for making it for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bear and his signs! He slaps them up all over the place! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  11. WOW....Ellie Mae, you go, girl!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. MOL....I love it! A democracy within a Monarchy. We need a total dictatorship here. This democracy crap doesn't work here. If Tyebe disagrees she bites me and leaps on my head.....not a deterrent but close.

    I need lessons BC and EM.

    Shoko

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lesson 1: Sisters SUCK!
      Lesson 2: Sisters SUCK!
      Lesson 3: Sisters SUCK!
      Lesson 4: Sisters SUCK!
      Lesson 5: Sisters SUCK!
      Lesson 6: Sisters SUCK!
      ps - With the exception of Kali anyway ... she's one-of-a-kind wonderful!

      Delete
  13. MOL MOL MOL this was too funny. Does the boy know you were sleeping on his tie?
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. That's what the lint roller is for ;)

      Delete
    2. Best fur removal ever - clear packing tape. Works wonders.

      Delete
  14. MOL ! You told him, Ellie ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my, you have been very busy Ellie. XO

    ReplyDelete
  16. Every kitty has a limit, Bear. And it appears Ellie's been pushed to beyond hers. We hope you don't have to be her bee-otch for long!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only until he's nice to everyone! So, yeah, probably never. ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  17. You know of course if there is no sister or Dad, you'll have no one to blame your (mis)adventures on. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AMARULA: Ha ha! Brilliant telling her to go door to door -- and that you would let her back in!! I try the same thing with Frodo many times! I may have to borrow your poster too-- selling Frodo is a great idea!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ellie! Wow, you are a tough chic behind that sweet face! I bet you're like one of those Charlie's Angels - a be-au-ti-ful secret agent! Bear BEWARE! Tee hee hee!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well, seems like things took a turn. but you to kitties are far too smart to be usin' human dirty words. Those kinds of words are fur the uneducated idiots of the world. Anyways, it is good to stand up fur yourself every once in a while. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's ESPECIALLY important with our siblings that need to be put in their places! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete