Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae

The Boy: Chest tightness ... ooohh. Something's wrong. It hurts so much. Uh oh. I'm having a heart attack! OWW. It really hurts. It feels like a ton of bricks sitting on my ... can barely breathe ...
BC: You might want to revisit that estimated weight.
The Boy: Wait a ...
{Pause}
The Boy: THAT'S A CLAW IN MY BELLY BUTTON!
BC: It's a little early for "state-the-obvious," don't you think?
The Boy: What time is it?
BC: Who wants to know?
The Boy: WHO DO YOU THINK?!?
BC: Not my circus. Not my monkeys. Now. What did you do with my Momma?

The Boy: What are you talking about?
BC: Momma was here ... you left together ... and only you came home. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. MY. MOMMA!
The Boy: She's at the conference, remember?
BC: If you think you're going to fool me when I KNOW you did something to her, you'll regret it.
EM: Remember?!? Momma talked about going! She's okay.
BC: Did I ask you, Smellie?! NO! Shut up. I look out for Momma. That's how this works. You just suck-up.
EM: I was just saying ...
BC: If one were to want to murder my Momma, that would be the perfect cover! Not that I've thought about that kind of thing ... MUCH. And she'd never be seen again and I'll be stuck Dweebling at the funny farm for the rest of my life!
The Boy: Bear ...
EM: We're really not that ...
BC: Did you at least keep the body?
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: I call dibs.
The Boy: On what?
BC: Momma's body! I just figure since she tastes so nummy when I bite her, I kind of figured she might taste good to eat too. I was afraid she'd taste like doughnuts since she eats so many ... but no. I mean she's not as tasty as tuna or a tasty whole chicken ... but not too shabby either. I mean, with her percentage of fat ...
The Boy: Can this conversation ...
BC: Speaking of food ... I'm hungry. 
The Boy: I gave you a wet food treat ...
{Pause as The Boy looks at the clock}
The Boy: ... two hours ago.
BC: I ate it.

The Boy: Then you can't be hungry! 
BC: I didn't ask for your opinion. I TOLD you I want more wet food.
The Boy: Did Ellie eat your food again?
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about. No one messes with Bear Cat Kat's food. Though my big piggy of a sister tries ...
The Boy: Then you must not be hungry.
BC: I didn't think it was possible ... but this human is even stupider than my other one!
The Boy: I can't wait until your Momma comes home and SHE deals with your nonsense.
BC: Hmph. IF my Momma comes home, I'm going to tell her how you tried to starvatate me! She'll beat you up for being so mean to me! 
The Boy: Can you say ... "drama queen?"
BC: I might be a drama male princess ... 
The Boy: You do realize a queen trumps a princess, right?
BC: Phht. A male PRINCESS trumps everything ... except a Momma. She really knows how to throw her weight around. "It's for your own good!" Phht. If SHE knew what was for HER own good ...
The Boy: So what am I?
BC: Chopped liver? No. I've tasted you ... YUCK! Dweeble Dumber? Hahahaha. Err ... the court jester?
The Boy: I'd ask if this conversation could get any weirder, but I know better. You take that as a challenge! 
BC: The other times Momma's been gone, you at least made it worth my while with french fries!
EM: I didn't get any french fries!
BC: Where are my french fries?
EM: I WANT SOME TOO!!!!!
The Boy: Oh, for crying ... It's THREE AM! Where would I get french fries at this time of night?
BC: Phht. Don't try to lie to me. The potato farm! Potato chips ... french fries ... hash browns ...

The Boy: They don't grow like that.
BC: How ELSE would they grow?
EM: I'm hungry. I want some french fries!
The Boy: Now look what you started!
BC: Only because you refuse to give us french fries!
The Boy: I fed you both your wet food treat TWO HOURS AGO! One of you had to eat it!
BC: When I finish eating over-night and I'm still hungry, Momma gives me more wet food.
The Boy: Nice try. She does not!
BC: I demand you feed me!
The Boy: I demand you leave me alone! I'm not going to be manipulated. You put your Momma through a lot.
BC: Hey. If you can't pay the price ... you don't get to share in the awesome.
EM: The only "awesome" you are is an awesome pain in the ass!
BC: I don't remember asking you.
EM: I don't remember caring.
BC: Why aren't you scared of me?
The Boy: Can you two take this elsewhere? I'm trying to sleep!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP.

EM: Don't tell my Daddy to shut up. YOU shut up!
The Boy: Maybe you could at least get off my ...
BC: Bring that tail just a tiny bit closer and I'll make you a minx.
The Boy: I think you mean ....
EM: I've got just the right claw to shove up your ...
BC: If you want to be declawed. 
EM: I guess it's too late for you ... you've already been de-balled.
BC: HEY!
EM: Do you not like playing with balls because they remind you of what you lost?
BC: I didn't LOSE them! They were STOLEN!!! 
EM: You don't use 'em, you lose 'em.
BC: HEY! I'll have you know I was virile and masculine. 
EM: Compared to a facial tissue box.
BC: I fathered a lot of litters of kittens in my short eight months as a street cat!
EM: You let another cat get close to you?
BC: Phht. I was so virile, the ladies just had to look at me. 
EM: Laughing causes pregnancy?

BC: When Momma gets home, I'm going to tell her you were mean to me!
EM: Oh, grow a pair! She knows you even better than I do ...
The Boy: HEY!!! I'm trying to sleep here! No more monkey business!
BC: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
EM: Monkey see, monkey do!
BC: More fun than a barrel full of monkeys!
EM: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle ... err ... aunt.
BC: I've got a monkey on my back!
EM: Let me show you what to do with that monkey wrench.
The Boy: You two are enjoying this!
BC: I guess I should've known from earlier that this is "state-the-obvious" day.
The Boy: NIGHT! It's still dark!
BC: Phht. I hate having my naps ruined. That's why I sleep all day while you're not here.
EM: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
The Boy: Only one day, twelve hours, forty-five minutes and twenty seconds until the monkeys are reunited with their Momma. I might not last that long.
BC: Can you feed me? I'm hungry!
EM: And scoop the litter box!
BC: And refresh my water bowl!
EM: And play with me!
The Boy: It's THREE AM and I need to get up for work!!!
BC: And we're AT work.
EM: Just doing our job, ma'am ... err ... 
The Boy: Your Momma is right. You two together are more than a simple double of all the usual single kitty nonsense - having two means the nonsense increases exponentially. I don't know how she does it ...
EM: We love her.
BC: YEAH! When's Momma coming home?
EM: Although, I hate when she brushes my teeth!
BC: I hate when she clips my claws!

EM: Maybe we'd be better off ...
BC: We could lock her out!
The Boy: This isn't negotiable!!! YOUR MOMMA IS COMING HOME! Not soon enough though! I haven't sleep more than a few minutes since she left!

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46 comments:

  1. Your Momma is OK, we promise! Our mom told us she saw her this weekend and had a GREAT time with her! Too bad we all don't live closer together.

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    1. My Momma told us the same thing! We're glad she came back in one piece!

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  2. Sure looks like all three of you will have LOTS to tell your momma when she gets home. Who gets to go first?

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  3. It's never the same when our mom leaves--the dad can't seem to "remember" our food schedule!

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  4. Just think, when momma gets home the boy will have to live through a rerun of that all so you can tell her how you were ill treated whilst she was away. I suggest picking a time that is conducive to the depiction, maybe three AM?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    1. I'm going to fill out an evaluation of The Boy! It ain't gonna be pretty! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Actually, sitting on his chest was a brilliant idea, Bear! Look at the action you started!

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  6. Looks like when your momma is home, none of this kind of craziest goes on when she is there. Maybe you can give her hints to not go out so much for anything. So she can be with you and give you all the treats you need. Thanks for the share.
    World of Animals

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    1. As hopeless as our Momma is, The Boy is worse! And he doesn't even try to understand us! ~Bear Cat

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  7. guyz....we hope yur mom iz havin an awesum time at de conferenze N safe travelz home

    N now iz knot de time two make dad eye rate....pull de ole ******** trix and ******
    cat stunt on him and him will bee doin eggs act lee what cha want; inn cloodin goin out
    at threez aye em N gettin ya both sum friez !! ☺☺♥♥

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  8. Oh poor Boy he was very patient with the pari of them :-) I hope they settled down OK when you got home. The CWA conference looked awesome!! * giggle *

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    1. I had one lover and one "I'm going to pretend I don't care that you're home" ... guess which is which?

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  9. At least you both managed to occupy yourselves while the Mom was away!

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  10. AMARULA: OH Bear!! Please don't say you were virile and masculine--you STILL are!! And I love the idea of claws in the belly button-I'm gonna try it!

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    1. I'll always be virile and masculine for you, Amarula ... though I'm pretty sure you could beat me up with two paws tied behind your back! ~Bear Cat

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  11. You two don’t cut The Boy any slack, do you???

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  12. I've missed you two! I now have a serious french fry craving.

    I don't think the boy stands a chance. I hope your mama had a nice time at the conference.

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    Replies
    1. We missed Annie and Pierrot too! We didn't say that when we visited.

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  13. OMCs mom cringed at the claw in the belly button...at least NOW you know exactly how to get immediate attention.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    1. If I REALLY wanted his attention ... I'd sit on him a foot lower ;) ~Bear Cat

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  14. Oh, you two really are a couple of monkeys with exponentially increasing craziness! I feel sorry for The Boy sometimes :)

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  15. {snicker} "Laughter causes pregnancy?" Good one. We're hoping your mama is having a pawsome time wowing everyone at the kitty conference.

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    Replies
    1. I come up with a good one from time to time ;) ~Ellie Mae

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  16. The boy doesn't stand a chance against you. I know all about the claw in the belly button too, and it made my eyes water remembering it.

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  17. Ellie and Bear, The Boy should adjust his work schedule so he works during your nap times. And then when you're awake he could tend to your every whim. He only thinks he needs to sleep through the night. Maybe you could draw up a schedule for him? Tee hee hee. Winks!

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  18. It sounds to us like the boy doesn't need to GO to work, he's already got a full time job taking care of you two while Momma is gone! We think some sensitivity training classes might be in order next time she leaves! :)

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    1. You think he can be trained to be sensitive to our needs?! ~Bear Cat

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  19. I hope The Boy finally got some sleep with Momma came home. And I hope she had a wonderful time at the conference. I'm sure you two welcomed her back with open paws, right?

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    1. SHE slept for like DAYS when she got home and we were stuck with HIM even longer! ~Bear Cat

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  20. You poor kitty, I hope you let your Momma know how much you missed her.

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  21. Hope your mommy had a good time. We sure wish we could'a gone. Mommy says she's gonna look into becomin' a member this year. We'll see. MOL Uh, as fur those fries at 3 in the meownin', there are purrlenty of places still open that serve fries 24 hours a day. Ya'll tell the boy that. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. You betch'a. Anythin' kitty wants, kitty gets. Least that's the way it is in our house. MOL Big hugs

      Luv ya'

      Dezi and Raena

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