Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Momma did WHAT to Ellie?!? #ChewyInfluencer

The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

{The Boy walks in the front door to find Bear on the table next to where Momma works and Ellie waiting for him at the front door}
The Boy: I'm ...
EM: Daddy! Daddy! You wouldn't believe what Momma did to me!
MK: Wait a ... what did I do to you?
EM: You call me Ellie Belly like I'm mostly belly! I'm not fat!
BC: Not fat ... for a MOOSE.
MK: Bear! You're not helping. Ellie, it's a term of endearment. 
BC: Yeah! Like how I call Momma, "Doughnut butt." I mean, her butt IS pretty big, but ...
MK: Okay, Bear? YOU'RE NOT HELPING!
EM: And Momma favors Bear ...
BC: Well, OBVIOUSLY ... I mean, I'm me and you're ... YOU.

EM: ... even though he's ornery, cantankerous, and downright rude! I'm a NICE cat! 
BC: Nice ... for biting. Nice ... for beating up. Hahahahahaha.
MK: Bear!
BC: I was just kidding ... err ... mostly.
EM: SEE?!?! He's mean to me and he can't do anything wrong and I get in trouble for everything!
BC: Phht. Momma and I have been together for twelve years ... she knows better. After six months, I was grounded for the rest of my nine lives.
EM: You say that like it's a good thing!
BC: It is! It means she can't do anything to me no matter what I do! I'm just the cute hemorrhoid she can't get rid of.
The Boy: There's nothing CUTE about a hemorrhoid. They're very painful ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Huh. Just like you.
BC: I'm the SHARK! Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
The Boy: I suddenly have to use the bathroom.
{The Boy runs back to the bathroom and slams the door}
EM: I know in your mind NICE and CAT are opposites. An oxymoron.
BC: HEY! No one talks about my Momma that way.
EM: What?
BC: You called Momma an oxen-moron! I mean ... she's not perfect ... and she's big ... but that seems a little harsh ...
EM: SEE?!?! He's mean to everyone and he can't do anything wrong and I get in trouble for everything!

MK: Ellie, what did you get in trouble for?
EM: Umm ... err ... but Bear didn't get in trouble and he does bad stuff.
BC: Not as bad as I'll do to you later.
MK: I'm just confused because you haven't described anything new.
{The Boy walks back into the room}
EM: I can't even think about what you did. It's traumatic. 
The Boy: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY CAT?!?!
EM: I don't want to talk about it. It ... {sniff sniff} hurts too {sniff sniff} much.
MK: Oh, for crying ...
The Boy: Tell me what she did!
EM: I'll fight the pain ... I was thinking of today when she pushed me off her lap.
The Boy: Why did you push my sweet Ellie-girl off your lap?!
MK: I didn't push her off my lap. But I love how the cats are YOUR cats when they're good.
BC: Phht. Because if she couldn't have me in her lap, she didn't want any cat to be there.

MK: Bear. You're not helping.
BC: Phht. I'm a CAT ... I'm not supposed to help!
The Boy: You pushed her off your lap?
MK: NO! She was sitting on one of my legs and purring wildly. Somehow she lost her footing.
EM: I was pushed!
BC: Then stop being a pushOVER. Hahahahaha.
{Silence as Bear looks at Momma}
BC: Not helping?
EM: So I did a belly flop to the floor!
BC: Thank goodness you have so much padding there!
EM: Oh, SHUT UP. 
MK: You left out the part where your back claws dug into my inner thigh as you struggled to get your balance.
EM: Everything's about you! I was just being a sweet girl and you pushed me off your lap!
MK: I did not!
EM: And that's not even the WORST part!
BC: You farted?
EM: NO ...
BC: Momma farted? I didn't hear the foghorn ... How are we still aliv ...

EM: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! I meant the worst part was Momma chasing me around because she wanted to be sure I was okay. The faster I ran, the more determined she was. I'm going to have nightmares! She chased me around like a cackling donkey with a serious mental health issue.
BC: I know that beast! Every time Momma almost steps on my tail or walks into me, she's like a crazy-pants afterward chasing me around. It's enough to make you think she might filet you and put you in a bun like a hot dog.
EM: But we're cats!
BC: FINE! Put us in a bun like a hot cat!
{Pause}
BC: Huh. That doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
{Silence}
EM: And ... and ... then Bear jumped me and something tiny was poking me ... and I couldn't get him off me! I was sure I was going to die by small cuts.
BC: HMPH. My equipment is not small. Nothing about me is small!
{The Boy snickers}
BC: That sounded better in my head!
MK: Bear ... you were POKING Ellie?!? With what exactly?
BC: It's unmentionable.
EM: HA! I told you it was so small it's unmentionable.
BC: HEY! Are we referring to my male-goodness?
EM: I'm not sure there's anything good about your male-ness. But I was talking about your claw. It was poking me.
BC: Wait ... wait ... WAIT! Is that this month's Chewy box in your grabby hands?

The Boy: It was on the porch.
BC: Huh. You ARE good for something.
The Boy: Thank you ... 
{Pause as he thinks}
The Boy: I think.
BC: I suppose you're going to expect a tip.
The Boy: That's really nice ... but not really ... last time you gave me a tip ...
BC: My tip - LEAVE. ME. ALONE. 
MK: Bear! That's not nice! He was kind enough to bring the Chewy box in. You can thank him.
BC: Phht. It's his job to be the errand boy. You don't have to thank someone for doing his job! I don't expect thanks for keeping all of you in line! But do I expect endless waves of appreciation?
{Silence}
BC: Hmmm. I mean, it would be nice to get a "thank you" every so often. I don't get ANY appreciation!
EM: Thank you for being a jerk!
BC: Umm ...
MK: No more name calling! 
BC: Whatever you say, Doughnut Butt.
EM: SEE! He's rude! And all you did was love him. I mean ... you pushed me off your lap ... but what's HIS excuse?
MK: {sigh}. It never ends.
BC: Why are you nattering on when we've got food to try?
MK: I only said THREE words! That's not nattering! You're the one that won't shut up!
BC:  I'm ready for work, Momma!
MK: Like the other day when you and Ellie robbed me blind of treats - but I didn't get one usable picture before I realized the con.
BC: Phht. I don't work for my food. I'm so tabby-licious that it falls at my paws.

EM: Sitting on it doesn't count.
BC:  You would know. Hot pot. Meet meddle.
EM: I think you mean, "Pot. Meet KETTLE."
BC: Phht. I'm hot ... you meddle.
EM: If you're going to use a colloquialism, at least get it right!
BC: Phht. Saying a colloquialism as everyone else says it is not very imaginative. I mean, if copying is all the intelligence you can muster ... true intelligence is coming up with one's own!
EM: You could just admit that you got it wrong instead of trying to make excuses.
BC: Phht. I'm never WRONG. WRONG is for peasants and stupid women-folk.
{Silence}
BC: Too far?
*** What did get from Chewy this month? And how does the story end? We'll post the rest of the dialogue on here five minutes after this half ***

MK: Just a bit. I need to take pictures of what we got this month from Chewy.
BC: Are you done yet?
MK: Bear, I haven't even gotten my camera out yet.
BC: Are you done now?
MK: I haven't even opened the box yet!
BC: Well ... DO SOMETHING instead of talking and making excuses!

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Disclosure: We received Instinct by Nature's Variety Grain-Free Minced Recipe with Real Tuna Wet Cat Food Cups (3.5-oz, case of 12) - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Nature's Variety nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post.
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MK: This month, our first product to try is Instinct by Nature's Variety Grain-Free Minced Recipe with Real Tuna Wet Cat Food Cups. Chewy says, "Guided by the belief in raw, this recipe unlocks your cat’s ability to thrive. It’s thoughtfully balanced with wholesome foods, like real tuna plus fruits and vegetables, with a delicious minced texture in a savory gravy. The result is a tasty, high animal protein diet that promotes maximum digestibility, strong muscles, and a healthy coat and skin." The food also doesn't contain any grains, potato, wheat, corn, soy, by-product meal or artificial colors and/or preservatives. And I always feel better with high protein foods for you two.
BC: The best way to ruin tuna?! Use the words "wholesome" and "fruits and vegetables." Are you done yet?

{Momma snaps away with the camera}
MK: Yeah, the fruits and vegetables part is a little sketchy - as we've said before, cats are obligate carnivores that don't require fruits and vegetables for balanced nutrition - but it doesn't really hurt either.
BC: Are you done yet? I'm wasting away!

MK: I'm taking pictures as fast as I can.
{Momma snaps away with the camera}
BC: No. You're blabbing on about the food instead of giving it to us! NO TIP FOR YOU!!! The service in this joint is really getting incompetent. There goes the neighborhood!!! It should be about ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEME! FEED ME! Scoop my litter box! Pet me! Play with me! And don't make me wait! Are you done NOW?! 
EM: Be patient!!! And get out of the way of the pictures, DUMBASS!

MK: Almost done ...
{Momma snaps away with the camera}
BC: Whenever you please, woman!
{Momma snaps away with the camera}
MK: One close up ...
{Momma snaps away with the camera}

MK: Okay. That's enough.
BC: It's about time!!!
MK: Let's try this!
{Momma opens one of the cups and portions the contents on two plates - one for each cat}
MK: I know you two prefer two proteins in your wet food ... and this just has tuna. Plus, it didn't come in a variety pack of flavors - so we have twelve of the same thing. It might take a while to get it all eaten since you and Ellie don't like the same thing over and over. Now to take a few pictures ...
{Momma snaps away with the camera}

{Pause}
MK: Look at that rich gravy! The chunks are pretty big ... and sure enough! You can see the greens! 
BC: {AHEM!} I'm down here! I can't see anything! Get with it, woman! FOOD. NOW. Stop describing it and GIVE IT TO ME!
MK: Okay ... okay! 
{Pause}
MK: {setting down Bear's plate} Here you go, Bear.
BC: FINAL ...
{Pause as Bear sniffs}
BC: Hmm. NUMMY!
MK: {setting down Ellie's plate} Here you go, Ellie.
EM: Oooh! TUNA! I LOVE tuna! I LOVE gravy! YUM!

{The cats are too busy to notice Momma taking pictures as they continue to scarf down the new food}
BC: Nomnomnomnomnom ...

EM: OOH! This is ... nomnom ... GOOD! ... nomnom ... vegetables ... nomnom ... or ... nomnom ... not.

{Pause as Momma watches the cats chow down}
MK: Looks like everyone's happy!
{Pause as Momma sees both cats finish eating}
MK: Not quite a clean plate ... but a hit nonetheless. 
{Pause}
MK: As I've said before, Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?
{An hour passes}
{Momma walks into the bedroom where she finds Bear passed out on the bed, snoring}

MK: Look! He must've tired himself out!
The Boy: Being obnoxious.
{Pause}
The Boy: He is awfully cute ...
MK: ... when he's sleeping.
The Boy: One ALMOST can't remember that he's a pain in the butt while he's awake.
MK: Almost.
BC: {opening one eye} One more word and you'll have a real pain in your butt. My shark never sleeps.
The Boy: We'll just give His Royal Sharkiness some peace and quiet. 

Interested in trying Instinct by Nature's Variety Grain-Free Minced Recipe with Real Tuna Wet Cat Food Cups (3.5-oz, case of 12)? Go visit Chewy and order a pack for your favorite feline!

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag:#ChewyInfluencer

41 comments:

  1. Your food service girl is terrible, maybe you need a something off your next order? Or what you could do is contact Chewy and get them to send a new one..... I take it they do have food service girls and boys in their range?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Hmm. You can buy food service people from Chewy?! My Momma lied to me! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Well, at least the yum hit the spot or two!

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  3. guyz.....thiz tuna food soundz awesum....for sure de land oh trout
    will knead ta chex it out !! :)

    ellie; I daresay you need to press charges for pain and suffering and indignation
    and humiliation and scandal and call me on my private number at *** *** **** and I
    will give you the name of my attorney because no one pushes my gal pal around; indeed
    ~~~~~~~~~ hugs from dai$y =^..*= ♥♥

    ReplyDelete
  4. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CATS!!!!!
    Your house is full of ongoing saga and trials and tribulations but you handle it with such grace and dignity.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  5. We tried the rabbit variety of this and two out of four liked it. Sadie and Lucy really like it, but they are adventurous eaters unlike our pickier boys.

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    Replies
    1. Bear won't eat rabbit either! I don't even try anymore!

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  6. Looks like the food was a hit. Nothing like have a good meal, and then you get to lay in the bed all day afterwards. Thanks for the share. Have a great day.
    World of Animals

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  7. Poor EM, you are clearly misunderstood and unappreciated. Pawhugs to you. - Leia

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Leia. I'll draw strength and inspiration from the tiny tabby that is a force to be reckoned with ;) ~Ellie Mae

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  8. Ellie Mae, we want you to get extra of this food for all you have to put up with from Bear.

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    Replies
    1. The humans say I'm even fatter than he is! HOW RUDE! ~Ellie Mae

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  9. "grounded for the rest of my nine lives"..."hemorrhoid she can't get rid of"...Bear, you are one of a kind!!!

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  10. Ellie Mae, you have our sympathies! The boys in The Tribe of Five are a bit pushy and they're always trying to steal The Male and Female Humans attention. What a bunch of bullies! Stand strong Ellie Mae and remember, girl cat power rules and boy cats drool!!!
    Jasmine & Lily

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    Replies
    1. You are right! Bear won't even see it coming! ~Ellie Mae

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  11. Nice review, glad the food was a hit. I feel bad for you Ellie, you get no respect, but I am sure you will get revenge.:)

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  12. Ellie Mae, you sure do put up with a lot from Bear! And we're sorry that "the lap incident" even happened. We're glad you are okay, even with Momma following you around to make sure you're okay (humans!). Glad you and Bear enjoyed that food, though. :)

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  13. Bear is just so cute in that last sleeping picture. I mean he's cute in all the pics but that one especially with his legs like that.

    Aw, Ellie, you sweet girl. I'd never push you off my lap. :) We know MK felt bad that you fell.

    That food sure does look good (according to my kitties)!

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    Replies
    1. Ellie is just as sweet as Annie! And Bear sure knows how to turn on the charm when he's sleeping!

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  14. Looks like you both enjoyed it when you eventually got it. Peace and quiet for a while now Bear has a full tummy.

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  15. Great review ! That food looks yummy ! Purrs

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  16. Woodrow feels your pain, Ellie. He's been known to roll off of things, too. Never a lap though. So it does sound like you may have been pushed...!

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  17. Oooh, Chewy's? That makes for some kind of pawsome day. "Hang' in there for the goodies and no more rolling, okay, Ellie?

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    Replies
    1. We love goodies ... hitting the floor ... not so much ;)

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  18. AMARULA: OH Bear! Only you could call yourself "I'm just the cute hemorrhoid she can't get rid of." and make it sound cute!!

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  19. Love your review!
    Looks like that was pretty tasty :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  20. Yeah, we wish the food companies didn't put all those veggies in our food either. Peas make us girlys break wind and mommy says the wind is horrific. MOL And, mommy found out carrots are really bad fur kitties when she was researchin' CKD with sis Lexi. Yet the food companies couldn't care less. Makes ya' wonder just how much meat is actually on the food they sell anyways. But, we're glad ya'll liked it. We luv the fotos of ya'll. And Bear, that last foto really is adorable. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I am fabulous! Hmph. VEGETABLES. Who ever thought of putting VEGETABLES in a cat's food? NO THANK YOU! ~Bear Cat

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