Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Is Momma finally losing her mind?

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma's sitting at her desk mumbling to herself}
MK: I can't! You'd think I could ... but it's scary. Why did I decide to go? I've never been to this one before - so I don't know how it works. I'm totally out of my element. Woo hoo! I'm paying a lot of money just to torture myself! 
{Pause}
MK: I don't know many people! I know the bloggers - but the other writers won't have the slightest clue who I am. And they'll laugh when they find out. I just have a cheap, do-it-yourself blog because I refuse to spend money. I do everything myself - and the blog doesn't even have a professional design. And it shows! I wish I had an endless supply of money to put into the blog!
{Pause}
MK: I'm a fraud. I don't know why they accepted me to the organization! I don't fit in. I'll NEVER fit in. Or I'm making it into this monster that it's not. Maybe I make it scary. No. What one doesn't know is scary - I'm sure it won't be that bad.
{Pause}
MK: I bet people don't really like me - they just put up with me to be nice. I just KNOW it! Who would want to talk with me? I trip over my words - if I even manage to formulate a coherent comment. I'm so awkward and I'm always terrified people will think my awkwardness is related to how much I like them or something. I'M JUST AWKWARD! But I have done better with each subsequent BlogPaws Conference ...
{Pause}
MK: It's so hard ... the second I sense someone holding back or being distant, I disappear into myself so I don't impose on anyone. I don't do it on purpose and I haven't figured out how to stop it! I guess it's just a survival mechanism. But people don't understand - they just think I want nothing to do with them! When I crave interaction! Heck, I could sit and listen to a person talk about her cats for hours.
{Pause}
MK: I'm not very good at being social. I can't sell myself and I assume the person would rather be talking to anyone else but me! I should just stay home and hide! But I don't WANT to hide! I want to learn and be better.
BC: {whispering} Who's winning?
EM: I'm not sure yet.
BC: How long has she been at it?
EM: She's been mumbling and nodding for two hours.
BC: Maybe she's finally losing her mind. I knew it would happen eventually. The only time she gets like this is when she's ...

{Pause}
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no! I don't think so! She is NOT leaving me here among the peasants while she lives it up at some conference.
EM: What did you mean by, "she gets like this?"
BC: This droopy ... "I can't do this," "People don't like me, " "Just because they accept me, doesn't mean they like me." On and on AND ON.
EM: She's going to Cat Writer's.
BC: What about them?
EM: Who?
BC: CAT WRITERS!
EM: That's the conference she's going to. For the Cat Writer's Association!
BC: She's going to a conference for cats who write?! And I didn't even get invited! 
EM: I don't know that your signs count as writing.
BC: Maybe The Boy is right and Momma truly thinks she's a cat. Charlatan!
{Pause}
BC: Nah. Even SHE isn't THAT stupid.
EM: Daddy will be all ours!
BC: Correction: ALL YOURS.
EM: I'll have you know my Daddy is the bestest thing ever!

BC: No. MY MOMMA is the bestest thing ever.
EM: HMPH. MY Momma is the bestest thing ever.
BC: NO! MY Momma!
EM: NO! My Momma ...
BC: My Momma said KNOCK YOU OUT!
EM: Put that paw away before I break it!
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... we have the same Momma!

BC: Oh yeah. Huh. {GASP} That means we agree! Hmm ... I feel dirty.
{Pause}
BC: I feel the need to barf or destroy something. Just call me "Bear 'Destruction' Cat!"
EM: You're an odd cat. You never have a shortage of trouble-making schemes.
BC: Look who's talking, Miss "I-don't-use-my-PERFECTLY-FUNCTIONAL-claws-and-fangs!"
EM: HEY. Don't mock it until you try it!
BC: All I know is that if she starts getting weepy - I'm getting out of here before the grabby hands make an appearance.
EM: I love her hugs.
BC: You WOULD. There aren't enough tasty whole chickens in the world to compensate me for the hazard pay required after weepy and grabby Momma.
EM: You use her as a chew toy. Being a pillow isn't so bad.
BC: Who's side are you on anyway? 
{Pause}
BC: Then again, I guess if your brain function is limited to pillowing ... pillows aren't exactly known for their brutal and savage nature.
EM: Says the cat that will pick on anything inanimate or smaller than himself - but runs from everyone else.
BC: You're just jealous! When she hugs you, she squeezes the stuffing out of you.
EM: That's my favorite part!
BC: Too bad it doesn't work to squeeze out some of that Smellie Belly! You shame cats everywhere. This is just down-right embarrassing! I have a sister that bats for the other team!
EM: Why?! Because I keep my claws and fangs to myself?
{Silence}
BC: {to himself} I can't believe she's leaving me AGAIN! With THEM and their annoying Dweeble-ness!

EM: Bear's mumbling to himself now? Maybe it's contagious. If I start mumbling to myself ... 
BC: And she's leaving me with YOU and THE BOY.

EM: Yeah, well, it won't be a picnic for us either! We're really not that bad.
BC: You're not that good either. All your collective Dweebling is annoying!
EM: You jumped on Daddy's lap last time Momma was gone. I know, because I was about to jump in his lap ... and there you were! How RUDE! You don't even LIKE him!
BC: That never happened.
EM: Yes, it did.
BC: Where are the pictures?
EM: You know you did.
BC: HMPH. If I did, it's because a lap is a lap. I don't pay attention to the head attached to the lap.
EM: You like us being here so you always have a butt to your jokes!
BC: I don't need you. Before you and The Boy, Momma was the butt of my jokes! Hahahaha.  I mean, given HER butt size ... it's oddly appropriate. I'd just go back to making fun of her all the time.
EM: You like us because you blame us for all the stuff you don't want to get in trouble for?
BC: Have you ever heard of Gary and Larry?! They came into my life a long time ago!
EM: Your imaginary aliens?
BC: BINGO! I don't need you and The Boy to blame stuff on - I have Gary and Larry ... and Momma's just paranoid enough that she won't hold me responsible just in case there really ARE two aliens wreaking havoc around here.
EM: Maybe she's just realized it won't make a difference.
BC: Phht. I don't need some HUMAN telling me what I can and can't do. I do what I want. End of story.
EM: What are we going to do about her?
BC: Her? WHO?!
EM: MOMMA! We were just talking about her!
BC: She's beyond help. That's why she eats so many doughnuts.

EM: Do something!
BC: YOU do something! I did something last time!
EM: Biting her doesn't count!
BC: Says YOU. It DOES count! No more weepiness after that ... just bona fide tears. She totally forgot about her problems! Hahahahaha.
EM: You're the cat that saved her life! DO SOMETHING!
BC: I'm retired from fixing.

EM: You can't retire from being a cat that fixes everything.
BC: RATS! Why didn't anyone tell me that in the beginning?!? The only thing I want to fix now is your face! Hahahahaha.
EM: When does The Boy get home from work? Maybe he can make her stop nattering on.
BC: He's even more useless than she is!
EM: I'm hungry.
BC: When are you NOT?
EM: It's hours and HOURS PAST our wet food treat time.
BC: RATS! Momma's so involved with her discussion, she forgot to feed us!
EM: DO SOMETHING!
BC: What am I supposed to do?
EM: I'm going to starve!
BC: Not likely. There's a reason Momma calls you, Ellie Belly!

EM: Oh, yeah? And why does she refer to, "Bear's big belly!"
BC: If you really wanted me to do something, you'd promise to leave if I do what you want.
EM: But ... but ... I LOVE my Momma and my Daddy! They give good ear rubs - and Momma knows just the right spot - and they let me crawl all over them like a monkey - and I get tons of love ... you'll have to share! I'm not going anywhere.
BC: I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just yet.
EM: I'm really hungry.
BC: Oh, FINE!
{Pause}
BC: Get with it woman. It's way past my wet food treat time. 
EM: OUR wet food treat time.
MK: Patience is a virtue.
BC: Remember what happened LAST time you told me patience is a virtue?
EM: Hahahahahaha. I have to give him that one.
BC: Ellie keeps bugging me so you better feed us or I'll kill her for bugging me!

MK: I'm busy!
BC: You've been sitting here talking to yourself for hours!
MK: So?
BC: FEED US OR ELSE!
{The front door opens}
EM: DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BC: Oh, great! Grabby hands SQUARED is here!
The Boy: Hi, Baby Girl.
EM: I missed you, Daddy! You're the bestest Daddy in the whole entire world! Sit down so I can jump in your lap.
BC: BARF. And Momma wonders why I mind being left alone with those two.
The Boy: Come on, Bear! There's room here for you too!
BC: Phht. As IF!
The Boy: You didn't mind so much ...
BC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING THAT UP?!?! You sit on ONE Boy's lap and you never hear the end of it!
EM: AHA! So you admit it! Technically, you've jumped on him multiple times ...
BC: Shut up, Smellie! Whose side are you on?
EM: I don't know. But DEFINITELY not yours!

And now ... an exclusive sneak peek at the postcards Bear put together for Momma to hand out at the Cat Writer's Association Conference ...

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36 comments:

  1. I love the postcards! Wish I could make it to CWA to get one. We could be socially awkward together. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would be lovely!

      {Don't encourage her!!! ~Bear Cat}

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  2. Tell the Mom we said have a good time and just be herself, she's pretty special!

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  3. Have a great time at the conference.

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  4. guyz....yur mom iz gonna haza awesum time.....trooth....tell her... ta tell her self
    .... her iz two.... a: grate writer N fotoz taker N blog dee signer N friend N pal ta all oh
    uz N a total lee awesum mom ta dad N ewe catz N even tho her doez give ewe bass turd chckn
    herz still way kewl ~~~ safe travelz; happee timez, lurn lotz, haz FUN !!!! ☺☺♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Cool" is not the word I'd use to describe my misfi .... Momma ;)

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  5. Oooh, if you send me one of yours, I’ll send you one of mine...... and NO, Bear, I DONT mean you sending me Ellie or The fiancĂ©! Anyways Mrs H ate all the snickers bars and you just don’t want to know what happened the last time she tried to make doughnuts! Mol
    I’m sure MK will rock the conference, despite feeling awkward and such like, that is just an illusion of her own making to make life feel better. She is awesome in reality, nearly as awesome as a cat!
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin
    Ps it’s a great blog, and money doesn’t make the content special, it’s the writers skill!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, ERin. You gave my Momma a pep talk to hang onto! ~Bear Cat

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  6. I tell myself that I love to travel...until a few minutes before hitting the road and I start to cry that I don't wanna leave home, or leave my kitties...and The Hubby too...

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  7. Your mom is way too hard on herself! She's going to be a rock star at the conference :)

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  8. AMARULA: What could possibly go wrong indeed!? I love that sign - for a human your mom is pretty darn funny!!!! (and I don't even mean funny looking! ha ha)

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  9. Tell your mom she needs to go! She will have fun.

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  10. Your mom is gonna have a good time.

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  11. Your Momma doesn't need to be afraid, she is an excellent writer and deserves to be there. Very nice cards you made for her, I hope she doesn't forget to bring them. :) XO

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    Replies
    1. WHAT?!?! FORGET?!?! She could do such a thing? ~Bear Cat

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  12. My mom left me for a few days when she went out-of-town with Auntie. I sure hope she's not planning to leave me again soon even though I know she'd really like to attend that conference your momma is going to. You tell 'The Boy' to give you extra treats, Ellie! Bear, maybe you can talk him into getting you a bazooka and buying you tasty whole chicken farm while your momma is away! Tee hee hee! Tell your momma that she shouldn't doubt herself so. We believe in her! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep telling her that! She thinks I'm being nice! I'm a cat! ~Bear Cat

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  13. We love the cards Momma Kat had made up for the CWA Conference. We hope she has a wonderful time there!

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  14. Well, furstly awnty Kat, we thought you had the confurrence at the end of May. Mommy held onto that package cuz she wanted you to be home to get it. Anyways, also, all that mumbo jumbo you were mutterin'...Y, that's just nonsense!!! Our mommy and us are your furiends and like you just fine. Mommy actually unnerstands some of that retreatin' into herself and makin' assumptions 'bout other peeps feelings. it doesn't do her any good either. So, Stop It!!! and Stop It right now!!! We may look like froo froo kitties, but we can get down with the bestest of 'em. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know you girls don't shrink from a fight ... especially when whoever it is has it coming ;)

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  15. Our mom can't wait to see your mom again later on today! Don't worry, she'll set her straight. Your mom belongs there and she's a real writer, just like all of us bloggers!

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    Replies
    1. Momma hasn't even gotten there yet, and she's already in trouble?!?! FIGURES ;) ~Bear Cat

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  16. We hope Momma leaves a camera with the Boy this time....we need to see evidence of this lap sitting! We also think Momma sells herself way short, and we hope she enjoys the conference!

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    Replies
    1. She did enjoy the Conference. Now to convince The Boy to take pictures ...

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  17. Woo-hoo...how exciting your mum is going to the conference where we all know she'll WOW them. Have a blast and just be yourself-there's way more fun in that.

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  18. I hope your momma had a wonderful time at the conference, awkward or not! And how nice of you to make her some postcards. You’re so thoughtful. :-)

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    Replies
    1. I try ... wouldn't want anyone to think I'm like HER. ~Bear Cat

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